Day 159 - Lacking leadership

The moment of self-direction is elusive and yet always here.

The pattern of the day I'm going to try and capture is the difference between giving up or giving in to a mind dominion state, and a self-honest directive. What I do is go into my mind when I perceive that I can't handle life or a certain aspect of it. For instance, I may be 'participating' in a social circle or even in conversation with one individual, and I find my own thoughts more interesting than what's going on in RL (real life). So, like an ADD child, BAMM, I'm off somewhere else. I've developed a nice set of consequences in so doing. I doubt myself, I wish I was more like the cool kids that seemed to be more socially invested and present with others more. It was leadership. It is leadership that I separate myself from others. I've long desired to be a leader. I lack leadership.

This is a key judgement & realization for me. I've been existing in separation of leadership, placing it very high on the pedestal, seeing it only in others and not myself. I read and long aspired to acquire leadership skills. I didn't really think to much about self-leadership and what that would entail.

SO, here's the deal. I'm going to map this one out and get back to you (me) tomorrow. There is a lot embedded in this separation/desire for leadership skills. I realize that I've been trying to show myself what I need to change through envying other's leadership qualities.

I ever commit myself to the self-discovery efforts required to exist as the change I see is best. I am here, writing for me and you if you want to read and join along. (Just join along, and start your journey to life. You'll thank you later.)

To be continued tomorrow.

Day 158 - Social Before Self...Why?

Continuing with the same theme in Day 25 - The social appeaser and several other days in between, I need to continue to lay down this design.

Last night stayed out later than I would have liked, and wasn't in control of my behavior as I submitted to female advancements. The story isn't as important as the forgiveness, let's go!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people at the bar as "slimy" on the basis of just wanting to get sex, and for not allowing myself to realize that I too was scanning for potential sex mates. Always bringin' it back to self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others because I do not drink alcohol. I have been continually allowing myself to suppress the ego-reaction that I think more highly of myself because of this, not realizing that I am no better or worse because others are using a "resource" to feel a release from their inhibitions, while I just refuse to use alcohol and still have the inhibitions. So, I forgive myself for allowing myself to have half solved this problem-point of social anxiety/fear of judgement, for which others justify using the "social lubricant."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually compromise myself by placing the importance of socialization much higher than being responsible for my health, primarily sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not further investigate why I allow myself to justify self-compromise for socialization. I am thinking that this is related to the belief that my here-now relationships with others are more important to my relationship with my total self. Being responsible is delayed as I brainlessly place others before me, in part because of my self-interest in them liking me...and also because I want to fix everyone's problems.*

*I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to want to "fix everyone's problems," and not realize that is because I crave the ego boost of "able to solve any given problem."

Oh boy, lots opening up here. Ok, so I need to fix others so I can think highly of myself...not so I can actually help others purely. I commit myself to deleting the character that yearns to help others for that feeling of "I am great, I can solve anything," and realigning myself to be an expression of the self-help that I have walked as/within, seeking no mental gratification or reward. Simply helping as I have helped  myself first and share to honestly, simply assist and support others as me, as all is one and equal.

When and as I see myself trying to solve someone's problem from the starting point of wanting to be right/correct/smart, I stop I breathe. I realize that only when I have learned through experience and have actually walked equal with that particular point, am I able to dispense any wisdom of value to another. I commit myself to sharing only the perspective that I have with an unconditional non-investment of how I will feel if the other chooses to accept or not accept what I have to say.

When and as I see myself in a bar scene having trouble relaxing with the crowd, I stop I breathe. I realize that from one perspective I am as drunk as the whole environment ("contact high") and I need not to participate in the mind as the thoughts that everyone around me is trying to suppress with alcohol (*this point will be detailed in posts to come). I commit myself to exposing to myself and others all of the thoughts that justify drinking alcohol so we can be "free" of the negative experience of them, so we can just dance and get sex. Haha.

When and as I see myself in separation from those around me at the bar, I stop I breathe. I realize that we are all there for a limited set of reasons. I commit myself to walking through each related point of the bar scene so that I can share with others my honest perspective of the moment and just simply enjoy myself in these situations (without alcohol).

I commit myself to put process before self-interest, before desire for sex, so that I may interact with the life that is here in all.

I commit myself to repeatedly giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness, so that I may simply breathe in, hold, breathe out, hold, and repeat as I live each moment with awareness of my physical body here. I realize this is not an overnight process, and I commit myself to allow myself the steadfast patience and to not judge myself for where I fall; rather, learn from my falls as I get up and take the next breath.

photo credit: ryumu


Thank you.

Day 157 - Shallow layout of pertinent points

So far, in this process of daily blogging for self-realization, I've been really getting to know myself. There is still more to discover, but I need to get serious and really start digging into all of the points I've opened up thus far. This post will serve to re-map and recap the most pertinent points of what I'm presently facing and give my self direction for the coming new year, which is not going to bring anything new without my doing. I'm not going to be one of those folks who waits/hopes for change in their lives. Process is proactive.

Rant to self:

I'm sick of biting my nails. Every thought participation that allows finger-to-mouth chewing action = many many. So, to start recording them and organizing them is a feat that easily moves me into overwhelmed --> shut down, don't try. Typical thought design is placing myself in a future/imagined event, so that I can protect myself against the opposition within my internal conversation with others. That's just one and it's extensive in itself. I say to me, it is important to not get discouraged by the up-play of who I am in action. This is me the nail biter, feeding my survival through the apparent impossibility of stopping the addiction to my nail biting. I commit myself to realizing how I can stop this habit effectively through discovering each related point of entry.*

Delay. I like to play an easy video game, like I see my mom doing at times within the same avoidance pattern. My dad is always working, and now I see me blaming my parents for who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents and justify my behavior and who I am through observing how similar I am to them. *Went for a nail bite with the thought of others/them reading this during the phrasing of the last part of the SF statement (after pausing on 'through').

Another pertinent delay point is related to above where I have a feeling of just writing it down -> then worry that I will not get around to going back to the point to address it (even if I tag this post accurately) -> based on past behavior. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be stuck in self-discovery mode without effectively applying myself to in transferring my self-findings into self-action through SF and corrective living statements of my new self-created law of self. I commit myself to really working through delay so I can free myself from this one dimension of of excuse related to "I don't have enough time to do it all." <-- more to this than delay. Check it out..

Procrastination. Same as delay though slightly different take on it. It is how I allow myself to delay. If I have enough time to rush this post (as I am, for example) before going out to socialize...I will. I don't will myself. I let time push me. It's a pattern that' I've been aware of for a long time and even started writing about it in this JTL Blog on Day 2. Get it together. Not to discredit all accomplishment so far. I am better than I was, but there is still less than 100% self-honest self-direction in every moment of every day. Do work Dan.

Money. I need to make money. I need to make a career for myself. How can I do both? A lot of work is required. No time to waste. 2013 is going to be fascinatingly productive for me, unless I fail hard. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing myself within the application of directing myself to learn and create my future. Law...not the original plan, but I like the stability and prestige. Creative works are not as certain, and stability is most of all important. If I try to leap from cracking ice on a pond, I'm less likely to be successful than leaping from a concrete foundation. Focus on personal foundation to create breathing room and launch successful ventures.

That's it for now. To be continued, as always. Desteni I Process is the most useful self-help course on the planet. Check out the Lite version if you don't believe me. Thanks to all those who really care about all life...which could easily be everyone...ego/minds suck.

Day 156 - Eating Relationship

credit goes to Art Sheep
I'm getting to that point of self-honesty where I can not much longer recklessly eat food that does not support me. Yeah, so certain foods are delicious and unhealthy, but we eat them anyway. Why? Experience has more value than the longevity of my physical life time. I used to say "I'd rather eat delicious foods and die sooner than have a long life of eating yukky vegetables." My standpoint is no longer this, and yet I still occasionally indulge in what I know is not best for my body. There is an addiction to tasty experience, and it's time to come clean with myself.

So why do I eat unhealthy?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my physical well being by eating unhealthy for the sake of a fleeting positive experience.

Since my post on Day 20, I have not bought anymore giant bags of peanut butter M&Ms, haha, but I have found excuses wherever I could to continue eating candy. It's quite ridiculous how a candy addiction can override will without a solid commitment to self. What's happened here is that I still have layers and related layers that I need to be honest with myself about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind within the multitude of excuse-thoughts that I can conjure to continue to pig out on unhealthy foods, like candy..

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that carbohydrates are also sugar in the body and for suppressing this point because of my outstanding enjoyment of bread and the like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the enjoyable, simple eating what tastes good because it tastes good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what my physical body needs and doesn't need so that I may simply eat junk food to avoid the experience of hunger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not more clearly define "junk food" by not doing my food research, and therefore fully leave myself the option to make excuses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into a pattern of "just this one more time" in relation to eating what I know is not best for my physical body. I highly recommend this related interview for context and self-support: Life Review - Only this ONE last Time...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my desires before common sense and ignore common sense because I don't want to lose my ability to satisfy my desire...WOW.

That's a big one. Fear of loss design for desire. I desire the next chew of finger nail, and do not want to lose or miss out on that, to the point that I just make a self-compromising decision. Same with sex (though there are many mind-dimension layers here), I fear losing my ability to indulge as I have, and so continue to cycle in the same personality expressions, instead of investigating what sex can be without mental desire initiation. These points will be covered in due time. Self, directing self, here to stay focused and keep to one point at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and dodge my responsibility I have to myself to keep in good health by simply eating well within common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be a health-nut where I allow myself to enter the counter culture of the mainstream unhealthy american culture, and not realize that I can direct my own culture of common sense as what is best for me AND all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use knowledge and information to place myself within a particular culture and separate myself from other cultures within the design of better-worse, instead of taking a breath and doing what's best for all.

I realize that it is a lot of work to do the research to support what is best for my body and the physical world as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within this realization, justify/excuse not doing the work because it is too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself within the necessary responsibilities I can see in common sense that I have toward myself and others because of a perception of 'too difficult' or 'unable' as a mental experience that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly experience and believe myself to be.

--

When and as I see myself within a perception of overwhelmed/too difficult/unable towards anything, and especially in relation to preparing myself a proper meal, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to walk the necessary steps when I slow down and actually consider all relevant points. I commit myself to taking that essential breath within every moment of realization of this point of becoming overwhelmed by 'too much' and moving into an expression of 'giving up' on my self-direction toward manifesting what is best for me within physicality.

When and as I see myself thinking "oh, just this one more time," I stop I breathe. I ask myself: am I being self-honest? And within self-honesty, I answer. I commit myself to move through this realization process and write about the points that are not yet stable, so I may work the point through self-forgiveness and corrective application.

When and as I see myself entering a counter culture, so that I can be better than the mainstream culutre, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a process of defining myself in separation of others and all. I commit myself to slowly but surely identifying all points of self-definition with a group where I have separated myself from all others as a point of ego, and letting go.

When and as I see myself fearing to let go of a particular self-definition or way of life, such as eating particular foods, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is a mental happenstance here. I commit myself to the self-honesty required to recognize the point and then to write, even just a brief note, so that I can surely face the fear.

When and as I see myself making a justification or excuse to maintain a preordained lifestyle movement, like eating candy, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can stop. I commit myself to stop, and redirect from within the moment of self-honesty as breath toward enacting what's best for all.

Day 155 - Glamorous Intentions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being effective or perfect in applying myself toward my intentions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my intentions separate from me, rather than walking within and as them as a self-honest expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe in the moment of allowing the resistance to direct me within a feeling of "not wanting to do what I intended."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the feeling of "not wanting to do my intended responsibility" as superior to me and disempowering myself accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe me to be unable to snap out of the laziness groove/feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-honest when I set intentions of doing work, where I have allowed myself to be separate from the "ideal day of accomplishment."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an "ideal day of accomplishment" as a construct of mind that seems perfect and desirable, where I separate myself from this perfect day within desire of reaching this higher goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cycle downwards into self-defeatism as I place my ideal day within a design of "impossible to get done" and so allow me to casually disregard my ideal intentions of the day.

--

When and as I see myself setting a day-plan that is ideal and glamorously attractive within my mind, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must assess the practicality of actually accomplishing all of the goals/intentions of my day within a moment of self-honesty, so that I do not create myself to live out a polarity. I commit myself to the realization of myself within this design.

When and as I see myself ignoring my daily responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I am unclear in myself with regards to my daily intentions/goals, I am likely not going to be effective within actual, real completion. I commit myself to setting concrete goals that I can practically guide myself to complete within a given amount of time. I commit myself to including the dimension of time when setting goals/intentions.

When and as I see myself setting lofty goals of which seem greater and glorified, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have now separated myself from my intention by lacking the conviction to walking the necessary steps to completion. I commit myself to seriously assessing my daily goals within a breath of life - a moment of self-honesty.

When and as I see myself within an energy-movement of laziness or "not wanting to face myself today," I stop I breathe. I realize that I am always a breath away from self-direction. I commit myself to immediately applying forgiveness on the point where I have allowed energy to move me in separation of my intentions. I commit myself to flagging and further investigating the point until it is able to be consistently directed from the starting point of self in doing what's best for me, and ultimately all.

When and as I see this process of self-direction as "too much to handle," I stop I breathe. I realize this point of resistance as equal with myself as what I've habitually accepted and allowed myself as. I commit myself to persist and breathe. I commit myself to direct myself from my breath in doing what's best for all.

:)  Thanks Desteni Artist

Day 154 - Ho Ho Holiday


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to get lots of presents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that 'getting lots of presents' is not free and creates a financial burden on my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am only burdening my parents and not seeing how my love & appreciation is being traded for these gifts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I can and should pay for the gifts that I get through simply showing a fleeting moment of emotional gratitude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty or in debt for receiving value that I did not earn and did not reciprocate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have justified only receiving gifts because this this is how it's always been for my whole life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the day of Christmas special in my mind by doing nothing but consume media and taking the day off as an easy day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my oneness and equality in this moment and be motivated to stand as the directive principle of what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spiritualize Christmas such that I do not realize the harm that is a result of complacently accepting myself to participate in this economic system for the purpose of having better stuff that I do not really need.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want stuff I do not need and justify this want with simply just partaking in Jesus' Birthday as instructed by our culture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from and blame our culture for the horrific, innocent and ignorant indulgence that Christmas has become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to separate myself from the essence of Christmas by negatively judging it, instead of standing as it and directing my best efforts to creatively align the holiday to support what's best for all.

When and as I see myself simply taking an easy day off from the hardship that life can be, I stop and I breathe, realizing that each moment can be a fresh directive. I commit myself to showing that I do not need to take a break from real life through my accepted participation in holidays.

I commit myself to not spiritualize holidays and remove myself from here to indulge in my programmed, self-interested lifestyle of glamour and free gifts.

I commit myself to the stark realization of what is here, as what is going on in the totality of our planet earth, and stop participating in the small world illusion of consciousness.

I commit myself to showing how ending world hunger is priority over my externally stimulated emotions and feelings.

I commit myself to explain to others that I do not want to be made happy by gifts, and would rather be supported by your investigation of Equal Money System and investment in EQAFE products that support world equality and self-realization.

I commit myself to no longer turning a blind eye or sitting in complacency during the holiday season because I am merely afforded the privileged to do so.

I commit myself to working through my guilt complex that practically serves nothing other then my own limitation by compromising my self-expression, here, as the breath of life that supports all equally.

Investigate becoming the real solution with the Desteni I Process or DIP Lite. Ask questions on the forums and support yourself to realizing oneness and equality that is here as life as all, so that together we can stand as an active, living expression of what's best for all.

Thank you.

Day 153 - Validity, Self-Worth & Clear Communication

In the environment of high school friends, the primary question that arises is: "What are you doing with your life?"  Everyone is curious to know who each other has become since those high school days that seem like they were long, long ago. I think the curiosity stems from a desire for feedback/validation. In explaining our "life position" to each other, we get to see the reaction of the group and use it to place ourselves into perspective from a relational standpoint. In fact, as I was getting ready for a particular quad-friendship reunion, I experienced a tad of nervousness..

"How well am I going to be able to articulate what I'm doing?"
    - Process doesn't fit into a preconceived idea for how one spends their time, and so it requires a more at-length explanation...assuming other's will ask about more information.
    - Have not yet established a comfortable relationship to explaining what Desteni is.

"Will they negatively judge my chosen life path thus far?"
    - the only reason this matters is because of the point of defining myself from others' feedback.

"Will I still have that same positive, 'funny-guy' personality?"
    - similar point to above. Fear of future, based from positive, past memories. Also fear of change here.

That's the basis of what I allowed my mind to do this morning. My actual experience was heavy on the first point: couldn't articulate what I was doing very effectively. Fear of judgment was lowly charged, maybe because I worked on the defining self within the perceived judgments of my friends a little bit yesterday (obviously still not clear). The third point was interesting, because I didn't have to try very hard at all to fall right back into my old personality. My carefree demeanor was more present than not, but in self-honesty, there was some backchat doubt that I wasn't as relaxed or cool and carefree as I could might have been in high school. Most of the nervousness came from this, but the experience was well suppressed, and overall I was pretty much "myself."

From: desteniartists.blogspot.com


Key point here is dealing with self defined by others, specifically past friends. Second point is related to uncomfortability with speaking about process and self-forgiveness. Let's begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on the reactions of others to establish my self-identity and self-worth. Within this mental worry, I've created unnecessary hindrance on self-expression because of fear of the future from living in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, from the past, project self-doubt into my future interactions and not realize how I've been manifesting the doubt in real-time for allowing myself to participate in the future fear projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my validity and self-worth exists within how others perceive my life's work and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that the need to convince my friends of my validity is all that matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear rejection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my past positive self/other-judgments as moments of accumulated validity and self-worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself according to the sum total accumulation of past positive experiences while suppressing the negative ones and creating personality characters to discredit the suppressed fears of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inarticulate with explaining the surface summary of the desteni message.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as 'inarticulate' through participating with the fear I've connected to not being understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear to not being understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopelessly misunderstood and not take the responsibility of clear communication within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others that they must have a hard time hearing me from the get go, before I even give myself the chance to establish effective communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from effective communication through the allowance of fearing the fear connected to ineffective communication.

--

When and as I see myself participating within my mental projections of possible future playouts, I stop I breathe. I realize that this fear of futures is built of the substance of past experience, and that only with my allowance of myself to define myself in and from my past do I create fear of future. I commit myself to letting go of each moment of accumulated self-definition that is a charged memory, positive and negative.

I commit myself to breathing when the tendency is to try and predict how I will be perceived or listened to, so that I may physically direct myself to be effective from the starting point of each breath.

I commit myself to patiently stopping the mental participation of past and future social interactions.

I commit myself to just be me, here, within the stability of every breath, and no longer worrying about future interactions that are nothing more than fear-born illusions that create my present interpersonal demeanor without me realizing it.

When and as I see myself worrying about my future presentation of myself in future interactions, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am. I commit myself to the continual realizing that my participation in mind creates a consequential outflow that affects my personality or personalities.

I commit myself to showing others that these personalities are self-created systems used to navigate the world, and that I can remain stable and effective within a fresh starting point of every breath without creating a personality to augment/manipulate my environment separate from me, here.

I commit myself to the realization process of myself as one with my environment and others so I can effectively create best for all outflows.

I commit myself to no longer simply living in fear of the past definitions of myself being or not being in the future as if the future already exists and is something to be feared.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a nonexistent future and simultaneously create that which I fear without realizing me as the creator of my world in each lived moment.

I commit myself to living each moment within self-honesty, so that I can correct myself from each new moment and stop the mental participation of which fear had been allowed to create my future.

I commit myself to realizing myself in and as fear, stopping it, breathing, and directing self in alignment with what's best for all.

Thanks and welcome.

Day 152 - Friends of Yesterday

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my friends of days past will not like me because I have changed.

Within this I realize that I have been dishonest with myself for having placed my worth and definition in the hands of those who can validate me.

When and as I see myself become anxious by placing me in the perception of others, I stop I breathe. I realize this as my mind. I commit myself to bringing myself back to myself within my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I accept the constant of change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to maintain a perception of self as unchanged.

When and as I see myself managing my perception of myself in the eyes of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not an effective method of conduct. I commit myself to holding myself, here, in my every breath and no longer compromising this stance for how I believe others may perceive me.

Until it is done, I will persist in bringing myself back into my breath as the all encompassing, self-honest existence that is here as me.

Day 151 - Initial Examination of My Relationship to Money

As I sit to work out some initial relationships to money, I move right into being overwhelmed.

Thoughts =
"There is so much I could writing about money."
"My whole life has been shaped by money."
"I can't possibly write a good blog post about my relationship to money. It's too extensive."

I realize that if I don't eventually begin to open this up, then I will continue to suppress the realizations...and after a long pause, I realize that if I stop typing then nothing gets written down, haha. Resistance is a buzz kill. As I take a look at resistance, it's like a doubt in my ability to capture what I was just trying to say, and funny how this doubt immediately creates, where now I'm talking about resistance and not money points. OK. Pushing through the resistance. Here we go. I'm going to stream the first money points to mind:
Pic: open clip art

- Money is how I can have fun, specifically fun with others.
- Money is how I can get to be close to a girl, specifically by spending time/money according to the standards of the dating scene.
- Money makes me more able, like having a nice computer and work space (buying ability)
- Money is how I vote; and I want to have many votes/much influence in the economic system that determines how life is/can be lived.
- Money is being able to go out to eat and not have to do dishes.
- Money is something to be accumulated and transferred into ability when needed or desired in the future. 

So, I've identified some resistance points and several over-arching money orientations that I have formed over the years. Focusing on money,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other will not like me if I do not have enough money to go out and have fun experiences with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to afford what is necessary to be able to participate online.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reoccurring bills.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women will not be interested in me if I can't/don't spend money on them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear spending money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect spending money with being bad, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold money so that I can be good later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate money in fear that I won't have enough to afford future taxes and/or luxuries. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future in relation of not being able to maintain a comfortable lifestyle because of not having enough money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my fear-based decision to save money will protect me from not having enough money to live comfortably.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire money so that I can be lazy and live the easy life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire money to spend on women so they will like me.

-

I commit myself to stopping participation with money within self-interest in buying experiences with others so that I am perceived as more likable. 

I commit myself to realigning my money orientation so that I am supporting myself and others as effectively as possible.

I commit myself to investigate where and how money is being abused so that I may release the habit through self-forgiveness, and persisting with corrected application.

I commit myself to showing others that I am not abusive with money in spending it on purely self-interested desires.

I commit myself to becoming a living example of how money can be used to be self and other supportive by no longer abusing money for personally selfish reasons.

I commit myself to living responsibly and only taking on reoccurring charges when the situation is thoroughly assessed, and I commit myself to further investigating the point of being in debt.

I commit myself to expounding on this point so I can take a close look at why I have accepted and allowed myself to gamble in the past among other points that are strictly related to a self-interested energy.

I commit myself to not supporting others within their self-interest and my own self-interest by design of me desiring for them to like me or be attracted to me. THIS is manipulation, haha.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by others wanting me to spend money on them.

I commit myself to continually assessing how my relationship to money is affecting my world from the starting point of every breath.

Day 150 - Responsibility of the Future


As 2012 December 21st comes to pass, I am in the middle of determining my future. So, this post is not going to emphasize today's date as more significant than I make it. I realize that I am the creator of my conscious orientation to events like today, or really any over-spiritualized point. In fact, no special happening of 2012 will produce real change for us. I accept the responsibility for my future. Who I am then, is born today. And it's this realization that's going to carry me into the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay the creation of my future within fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow my mind to direct my use of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am one with my future, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to break continuity of time by participating within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my self to be great or special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing my destiny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself as the creator of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to passively live life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be untrue to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from reality through pleasure seeking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a proactive solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself within each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct myself within each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be still/inert as I sit back and allow energy to direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the "easy life."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse money to stay high and separate from reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how much responsibility I can take on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having too much responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate fear with power and responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fears.


When and as I see myself wasting time, I stop I breathe. I realize I am in an energy flow.
I commit myself to re-aligning my actions with common sense and what's best for all.

When and as I see myself getting overwhelmed by my future, I stop I breathe.
I realize that this is not an effective, practical decision to direct myself within what's best for all.
I commit myself to participating in energy with awareness and agreement only.

When and as I realize that I am in an energy flow without my agreement, I stop I breathe.
I realize that here is a pattern/habit that I've programmed within me directly or by reaction-allowance.
I commit myself to deconstruct these patterns through writing and self-forgiveness so that I my birth a new rule of self within corrective living statements.

When and as I see myself afraid of the future, I stop  I breathe. I realize that I create this fear.
I commit myself to pushing through resistance and facing each source point of fear within me.

When and as I see myself missing the point of oneness and equality through abdicating my responsibility to producing real change for myself and others as me, I stop and take a breath. I realize I am you.
I commit myself to walking with you as an equal in supporting ALL toward the best possible outcome.

Thank you all.

Let's get together and produce real best for all outcomes. The world didn't end, so why not begin to make it an awesome place to be born for all life here?

Join us on the forums at desteni.org
Contribute to the global solution with your two cents at equalmoney.org

My Future is Your Future is Our Future. Become a global citizen.
Everyone's doing it!

Until peace for all, it's time to do work.

Day 149 - Becoming Self-Honest & Realigning Perspective

The points I've identified the past few days:

- Energy of defending what I've accepted and allowed myself to express myself with/as
   * Defending superiority / opinion / perspective
       - Denying common sense to protect expressed opinion within an energy-emotion

- Creating others' possible thoughts about me / abdicating responsibility for open & honest communication
   * Giving up on self and other to reach shared understanding

- Fear of failure
   * Projecting this onto others
      - Using this to determine what they're likely thinking
   * Leading to being overwhelmed by future and indecisive
      - fear of future -> BIG ONE to be gradually deconstructed

--



Specific forgiveness today is focused on the first two main points relating to judgement of others' and their perspectives in relation to where I perceive my perception to be greater, more encompassing, right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having superior/higher perspective than others and thus not facilitate equal and one communication as listening as I would like to be heard, and speaking as if speaking to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my perspective so that I do not have to experience the humiliation of being incorrect or having a lesser perspective. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the feeling of losing when my perspective is lesser, so that I only see what is good and reinforces the positive conception of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build and accumulate a positive perspective of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to build and accumulate a negative perspective of myself.

I realize that there are many specific circumstances/situations in my past that I have used to reinforce this self-perception that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the accumulation of memories of myself in relation to certain points that I did not consider myself as equal and one with, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the external within judgement so that I could benefit by having the best perspective for me.

There is a lot going on here, and when I'm this abstract and general in my writing, I am building each statement using specific memories/moments, and that is the meat I need to dig up to effectively disengage from my limited, constructed perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carefully construct my perspective so that I can more often have the superior insight and create a mental conception of myself to be superior within knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the times I'm wrong, so that I may continue to build myself up within ego and define myself as superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am treading on loved ones to get a higher perspective, when all along, all I ever really wanted was what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I only ever wanted what was best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have succumbed to programming defensive, superiority-seeking personalities from the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be enough, that I am inferior, unable, unable to communicate, unable to be understood, and thus have created myself with these fears, and created a personality set to "overcome" these fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to cover up my fears by copying what I saw as the opposite, and never really living my self expression without fear involvement.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to predict what others may be thinking and thus react to my projection onto them, never really giving them an equal and one opportunity to express themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that "I am right and they are wrong," as I enter a conversation. I commit myself to breathing and noticing the design of my reactive communication so not to perpetuate the limited understanding from a pre-conceived perspective of how a conversation will go. and apply self-forgiveness accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not patiently give others the floor and hear them as I would like to be heard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not assert myself when I would like to be heard and rather go on to have internal-conversation alongside a negative experience of frustration that I had not been able to have been heard/understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project that frustration onto others by blaming them for not listening to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to listen to myself and others while my focus is on perfection and superior perspective because of fear of being wrong, so all I'm hearing is that which contributes to being right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selectively listen for information that confirms what I've already come to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as inferior communicators while I suppress the facts that I am an inferior communicator because that is the fear that I've worked to overcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the belief of myself as an effective communicator by over-emphasizing the memories of when I have reached shared understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice common sense reality in the pursuit of higher knowledge, where I've allowed a thought train to appear so correct that I disregard everything that's not in alignment with that knowledge construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct knowledge as "special insight that only I have" instead of simply learning and applying knowledge to situations as needed within common sense and the purest pursuit of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give-up on others in reaching shared understanding, from the beginning point of doubting that the other will be able to hear me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of failing to be understood through an effective use of words, and not realize that I am projecting the doubt and fear that others can't hear me and having that lead to me manifesting my fear as not being able to communicate effectively because of fear of failure.

When and as I see myself fearing that I won't be understood by another, I stop I breathe, and continue to speak from the awareness of my breath. I realize that I am projecting my fear of failure onto my interactions and allowing that energy of failure to direct me. I commit myself to taking back my self-direction and speaking from self-honesty.

I commit myself to speaking from self-honesty. I commit myself to stop speaking strictly from knowledge and information. I commit myself to speak as an equal and stop trying to prove my perspective to be more correct.

I commit myself to purifying my perspective and so in relation to others' perspectives, all is considered, and I am no longer defending and justifying my limited mental existence. I commit myself to respecting others as equals with me.

I commit myself to recognizing when I am allowing moodiness to direct me in conversation, and realigning to reality, here, within the awareness of my breath.

I commit myself to stop predicting what others' perspectives are, and allow myself to be patient with others by giving them the space to express themselves fully.

I commit myself to allowing myself the patience to express myself fully.

I commit myself to decoding every branch of expression tied to the base anxiety I allow myself to exist as from time to time, and work toward the point of specifically forgiving the source of anxiety, to be able to ultimately allow myself the freedom and time to actually do the work, instead of getting overwhelmed by it within fear of failure or fear of the image of fear as messing up or not doing/saying something to yield desired results. < nice

I commit myself to stop trying to control conversational outcome within attempting to avoid my created fear-playouts where the result is not in the benefit of my self-interest as being understood and right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a multitude of mental failure playouts from which I guide my expression of myself or don't and turn inwards with an internal backchat conversation outflow.

I commit myself to stop backchat.

I commit myself to establishing clarity for myself and others in relation to any point by slowing down within my breathing application and not allowing fear to keep me from speaking WITH my words IN reality.

I commit myself to listening to myself and others.

I commit myself to recognizing when I leave the reality, here, to go off in thought as reaction to achieve greater insight than what is necessary to be effective because I fear not being effective.

I commit myself to stopping the fear that does not support me in common sense.

I commit myself to ditching the egocentric point of view where all I consider is how I am right and how to prove it to the other. I commit myself to stop separating myself from knowledge and information as placing it as something beyond me and to be proved to or validated by others.

I commit myself to understanding how & why I am not being self-honest when I've forgotten about breathing, so that I may utilize that point as writing substance to further understand myself through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to continue with a slice of my personalized design of fear of future and the related points recognized thus far.

Day 148 - Layers of projection dug up with Self-honesty

Having been taking a closer look at what self-honesty is in application, I'm finding some cool stuff! Today, I wok up with a call from an interviewer for one of those jobs that takes me nowhere I want to be going, one that's for the money. I got the lead for the job through my mother referring me to my neighbor, and for awhile now, my mom has been applying pressure to get my feet on the ground and earning a living. I assume she has a fear of me not doing anything and living at home for a long time.

I assure you mother, this is not my plan. Haha. And I am not doing nothing. I'm working on honest self-perfection. Not to some standard or notion of what perfection is. Rather, I'm writing for myself.

What does it mean to write for self?

"...self-writing is the process of walking oneself out of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions and into the physical, as you write out your inner chatter, reactions, and your physical behaviors, your inner most secrets, shame, guilt – all of it! You reveal it all and consequently allow yourself to let it go – and you open up the door for self-correction, self-creation and the eventual stand of yourself as self-perfection; it all starts with writing."

This quote is taken from the Self-Writing - Destonian Wiki webpage. I've included it to clarify how I'm not just sitting around doing nothing, rotting in my parent's home. I'm busy. This process of writing self to freedom is anything but passive.

The above perspective is how I've justified spending time at home in my mind. The problem: I've not yet clearly communicated that with my parents. And that leaves both parties looking towards our minds for the likely interpretation of what going on in the other's head. This is where the point of self-honesty comes in. I can't allow this back-chatter outflow if I'm going to be honest with myself and so too others. Without stable, written or spoken, agreements on the terms of our relationship in the context of the issue that is the "elephant in the room," we back-chat and build up suppressions until we come to resent each other. This is my primary fear in relation to my mother, and I now realize that if I stand-up within the principle of self-honesty, I won't accept or allow myself to escalate it to that point. So the fear is of self not doing what's best for all (aka failure). * Move this through SF (see below). Back to my story.

One of the first things I mentioned to my mother this morning had to do with the job interview call. In the background of my head, I had a building anger towards her for pressuring me to get conventional job. This was expressed as I blamed her for the 'negative' position I now find myself in, saying to her "I'm going just to entertain myself," that I wasn't serious about taking the job and that I wouldn't be dealing with this if YOU weren't "pressuring me to get a conventional job."

She responded very wisely in saying, "you're feeling the pressure, don't put this on me." And I immediately ignored her and went on to explain the justification I've long built up within me and that had come to define my expression. HERE is the moment of self-honesty. Typically, I would let my thoughts swirl on within the emotional heated train of justifying my feelings, haha. Today was different.

Today, I pushed myself to speak up in and apologize for blaming her. I followed by explaining how I realized that she was right about me creating the feeling of pressure, but my realization went deeper: I realized that I was acting out from from the repressed, back-chat anger I had toward her for that had been accumulating. I expressed this to her, in so many words, but I had not finished the realization (& explanation) of how I can bring this back to myself.

Bringing what I see back on me, looks like I have anger towards self. I was projecting it onto her. And by being honest-with myself, lead to sharing my realization with my mom, which later-now opened up even deeper with the realization of self-anger.

A list of points and the process of specific self-forgiveness and corrective application statements will commence tomorrow.

Day 147 - Becoming Self-Honest

Q: What does this look like?

A: Every thought is considered.

When existing within the energy of a thought, it's like you just go with it, not taking a moment to breathe and see the thought in the entirety of its creation. We don't typically understand how the thought came up. We don't even like to take responsibility for them, often blaming the external reality as the cause of the thought.

We tend to miss the point of self in relation to the thought, and just go with the thought as if it is us, or we own it. Yes. We take ownership of our thoughts and conceptualize self in separation from what we think. This can look like judgment, fear, love, etc.

The point is, if we don't consider every thought, how can we be trusted as equal creators of the external reality. Our internals are so messed up with layers upon layers of self-deception within fear that we hide from thy neighbors. We are co-creators, one with all. Self-responsibility is essential.

Q: How does self-honesty come about?

A: Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider each thought as equal and one with myself as the creator, and to have instead simply allowed myself to exist within the feeling or emotion that was associated with the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to selectively focus on the thoughts that produced the most positive feelings and within this miss where I am in relation to the thoughts while I ride the positive feeling for as long as I can through selective thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in a negative thought-train whilst completely forgetting about my breath, not realizing that I've left reality to indulge in fear-based what ifs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get deeper and more specific, focusing most of my attention thus far on the general aspects of thought design.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the negative emotion of self-judgment for not being effective within my corrective writing because I have shied away from thorough and specific, self-honest investigation of one particular thought design at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect failure to not seeing quick results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving slowly, not realizing why I desire to move quickly through this process of self-correction and alignment with best-for-all interest.

I see here that I've opened several points that can be taken much deeper to reach a thoroughness that I have not yet before pushed myself to do. The list:
- desire to move quickly through process
- fear of failure
- self-judgment
- lacking specificity and depth
- fear of future within what-if thought-trains
- selective thinking / thought suppression
- riding in the emotion/feeling --> not considering origin of thought

In self-honesty, I commit myself to the process of real-time assessment of:
- Why a particular thought comes up?
- Why did I allow myself to participate in the experience of the thought?
- What connections can I make to this thinking pattern?

In self-honesty, the answers to these questions should come easily. To promote self-honesty within and as me, I have to take the answers and follow through with them. Once I locate the pattern and it's components, I commit myself to writing and moving through self-forgiveness. As the layers open up, I continue, I persist.

I commit myself to showing all that I am self-responsible within my application of self-purification for self and all in creating best for all play-outs and correcting self-interested acts/speech that is dependent on energy in polarity where the other must lose so I can win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not see, realize and understand that best for all, as a way of life, is also self-interest. I realize that spite, and ego rewarding acts/speech is the self-interest that must come to an end within becoming self-honest. I commit myself to realizing how I am one with my thoughts, one with my neighbors, family and strangers, one with all life here on earth, etc. Until it is done. Until I can be proud of this existence as a whole. Until then, no bullshit. I will be watching my participation, until it is in alignment with oneness and equality. Then I participate strictly within the physical as breath, as utter self-honesty, where all thoughts are related to physical reality. Until I am directing self and thought as self here.

Still confused about Self-Honesty? There are some intensely supportive people on the forums. If you want to assist yourself with guided structure, I highly recommend this FREE course.

See you here.

Day 146 - Still Wasting Time

There is a moment in time where I can decide to direct myself or allow my mind to steer me towards enjoyment despite responsibility.

This is what I've been trying to capture, and based on Day 140, I thought I could map out all of what is contributing to my delay pattern, work it through in one solid burst of attention, and be done with it. Yesterday, I realized that I created an external pressure to work this through, and I was no longer doing it for myself. Even though I thought I was, I was suppressing the thought of being driven to perform because of this blog being public and my responsibility to the group to be effective. I had been missing myself in the equation. Now, as I write, I can tell that I'm in my words for me because I'm not mitigating and managing thoughts to appear a particular way. I'm just writing about what I had intended to write:

Why and how am I dodging responsibility in the context of not being utterly self-honest?

So, instead of trying to lay out every point as I did in Day 40 for delay, I'm going to simply move through self-forgiveness on the points that are relevant in this moment. Sometimes a list (like yesterday's fear of loss list) is beneficial just as a reference point FOR SELF. Not so others can keep watch on me and make sure that I've done what I said I would do...this is the externalized fear point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place the importance of my process onto the perception of others and them seeing me as effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been missing the point of self-honesty within my writing direction and thus compromising myself in accordance to my fear of being ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ineffective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to attach fear to being ineffective, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize this design of manifesting my fears and allowing backchat thoughts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to not realize the mind as safeguarding itself with backchat pertaining to a specific point, where I have not seen how I have been protecting my habits with the allowance of related, un-flagged thoughts to run as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be patient with myself in my process of actual self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush toward the future/end, that which I fear, in an attempt to overcome my fear by force, where the typical result is a fall accompanied by self-anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for failing to achieve success when I have not given myself adequate time to investigate myself thoroughly.

From here onwards, I commit myself to persist through resistance and get up after a fall without judging self.

When and as I see myself rushing to complete a point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process of self-perfection requires that I be patient and steadfast with myself and my application of forgiving the momentous manifestation of who I am today. I commit myself to providing the force of myself as life as all, within the application of myself in this process of decoding my mental accepted patterns that do not support me, here.

I commit myself to flagging self-anger and breathing as I stand up from it and immediately apply forgiveness on the related point that brought on the self-anger. I realize that this might need to be written down and that it will take practice to effectively apply immediate self-forgiveness. I commit myself to practicing immediate self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to persist in recognizing my fears that I have allowed as me, and to no get anger for what I see. Rather, I stop, breathe, and direct myself within the realization of what needs to be done in that moment.

I commit myself to bringing my process back to self.

Thanks all.

Excerpt from here
photo credit to Desteni Artists

Day 145 - Fear of losing ______.


As I'm working through my DIP course material I come across a rather intriguing statement:

     Fear of loss is the origin of our nature.

And I contemplated on it for a bit, which lead to me physically writing down whatever came to mind that I feared losing. And while I've been walking the point of delay, yesterday I noticed a trend of going into the particular delay pattern that I was about to write about. In self-honesty, I see that I was doing this from a starting point of fear of loss. I feared that I would no longer be able to freely and easily waste my time in whatever particular way that I was about to address within my public blog.

The fact is: if I'm not stable within my daily writing application, I must investigate. Reason being that instability is ineffective. The nail biting point was "cleared" through 3 days of writing back on Day 16, and because I had so many layers and so much time contributing to this habit, I fell. I am still a nail biter...and what's worse, I've been suppressing/ignoring/hiding it. Not wanting to face the point again because of fear that I will again fail. And if I fail again, I will continue to lose faith in myself to be able to effectively change myself within the writing of self-forgiveness and corrective application.

I now see, realize, and understand that I am creating all of these fears, and the fears, as me, create.

My priority is to determine when, where and how I am resisting self-honesty. These are excellent launch points for my daily blogging. So, I'll continue working with the delay point as it pops up, but now it's getting more serious. I can't just rush through all the dimensions of my delay tendencies. To be self-honest is not letting anything slide, and so I need to be thorough within my self-forgiveness and corrective application writings. And so that's what I'll do.

I'll be writing specific self-forgiveness in relation to what I've realized today within going into the point that I have decided to write about and "clear" because I want to say 'goodbye' to it, out of fear of losing it within directing myself in self-change. It's a significant point related to self-honesty.

For now, I'll share my initial list of what I fear loosing,
as written:
- Money
- Car
- Life
- Friends
- Family
- Brother
- sex
- ability
- physical integrity
- smarts
- balance
- opportunity *
- coolness
- sanity
- in a game
- superiority
- living stability
- time
- status
- credibility
- cats
- energy
- positivity
- hope
- connection
- fingernail!

Surely there are more. The biggest one is opportunity (hence *), as it leaves me petrified in indecision because I want to keep as many doors open as possible. Note, loss of fingernail as starting point of nail biting habit. Realize this list an opening point to fear of loss construct. See ya tomorrow.

featured photo by a Desteni Artist

Day 144 - Sleepy Delay

A common resistance expression: yawn!

It happens when I am tired and facing a point that I do not want to face, and I allow the tiredness to take me away from whatever it is, and I lie on the floor....like now....

....

...the next day. Here I am. haha

(There is a pattern of going into the resistance of that which I am facing, like I should indulge in it one last time before I address it)

To the point: This is a consequence of delaying my responsibilities until the later parts of the night. So, the tiredness can be justified from one perspective of needing rest; however, there are times when I move into a napping position, justifying it as necessary, but the starting point movement is within the resistance of not wanting to face the point at hand. The delay that's earlier in the day leads into this delay point's acceptance. Enough delaying..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay points of responsibility for the night time within the ingrained habit of becoming serious with accomplishing work at that specific time because I can typically reserve it as 'alone time.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a more effective worker at specific times of the day, where I allow myself to delay responsibility until those times based within a moodyness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to dynamically adjust to work levels at any time, within the fresh starting point of any breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an excuse to not face a point, with the background thought that "I can do it later, and later may not ever come, so I may not have to face this point."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest with myself in hiding from me my true intentions of directing or not directing myself through a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can escape the stress of the today's moment here, by falling asleep, where upon waking I am no longer faced with the same point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that sleeping off a point as such, only suppresses it, and I will always, eventually have to face myself in relation to any particular point.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to better manage my time in the day so that I am not stuck with a large workload at the end of the day.

I commit myself to better managing my time throughout the day and from day to day.

When and as I see myself yawning and desiring to sleep instead of finishing a task I've saved for the nigh time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this diversion tactic is as effective as I allow. I commit myself to not allow myself to simply move to the floor for a "quick nap," and realize that this is a dishonest motion.

I commit myself to making stable agreements with myself in relation to when I accomplish work, so that if I am in fact too physically tired to keep writing, I will note where I am leaving off, intentionally fall asleep, and intentionally complete what I was doing when I wake and am ready to begin daily tasks.

I commit myself to no longer use sleep as a means to possibly escape a certain point through a dishonest attempt to sleep, break continuity, and keep moving on to other things.

I commit myself to working strong and only moving into sleep when it is not a manifestation of delay from being overwhelmed with not wanting to face a point such as reading, writing, editing, or anything work related. I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that sleeping will not make anything go away and rather only delay my progress in becoming self-responsible.

I commit myself to sleeping when it is necessary. And within that, I commit myself to not delay sleeping with the lack of acknowledging the consequences. I commit myself to keep understanding my delay points through writing until, I can be stable within my directive force of self, here. I commit myself to surely stop the mind's directive control through submitting to the easy way of escapism.

This is a tough point, but that's exactly what my mind wants me to think, so that I am less likely to take back the directive control of my life as life.

The various points of self in relation to sleeping requires further investigation. Stay tuned..

from: wikimedia commons

Day 143 - Behavior Perpetuating Behavior

I'm noticing a general energetic pattern. The primary behavior I'm looking at is delay, where I allow delay to move me into more delay. It propagates, begets, brings about more of the same behavior. This running streak is obviously of a mental energy cycle because it doesn't consider everything. It narrows and refines the behavior, but nowhere is there awareness of breath, and common sense can be hidden from self.

I'm also writing this pattern with the energy of biting my nails in mind. Today, I did another number on my nails, which is intertwined with delay because the starting point is often within a thought not relevant to the task at hand...ha, and because the nail biting process occupies my hands, it often directly takes me away from any physical work process like typing. There's some kind of residual, perpetuating qualities of nail biting especially, and I've yet been able to decode it and so have since shied away from writing about it in fear of failure.

Delay has also been scary to tackle because there is this momentum or inertia quality to the behavior in the short term and long term perspective. So, you could say I've defined myself as a procrastinator over the years, and what I want to address thoroughly today is how a single moment of delay can fester and turn into all day delay. The first reason that comes to mind is the allowance. Once, I allow myself to give into the energy as my directive, it's very hard to pull out because "why would I? I already gave into it." Solid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive control to the energy of delay and perpetuate the behavior with the thought "I've already done it, might has well do it more."

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I've been allowing the continuance of energy infused behaviors because it's easier to stay consistent with my choices / past behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself when the energy cycle ends and I've realized what I've been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the anger is part of the system, where as I allow the outflow of anger in relation to what I've accepted and allowed, I charge my attachment to the habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been simply choosing the consistent behavior, utilizing it as my stability in not having to face the scary unknowns of directing myself without residual, behavioral energy.

When and as I see myself within the comforts of allowing energy to continually direct me within the same behavior, be it delay, nail biting, or whatever self-compromising behavior it may be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not the directive force when life is easy and I'm not supporting what's best for all. I commit myself to push myself through any and all resistance I have in facing myself within self-honesty. I commit myself to finding each and every point where I have simply allowed a self-compromising behavior to ensue because it is consistent with past behavior (immediate or long term).

I commit myself to stopping the perpetual behavior cycles from within them, not judging myself and missing the point of responsibility to self to stand up from within the behavior cycle and direct self into a more supportive use of time.

I commit myself to showing others that I can produce real change within me through writing about my systems, releasing them, and standing true to self within these commitment statements.