Day 380 - Careful Self-Branding and Personality Portrayal

Yesterday, I blogged about my starting point within blogging. Many times in the past, I have found myself writing to please you, the reader, instead of using this space appropriately for my individual process of self-supportive writing and investigation. The 'sharing it publicly' factor should only weigh in afterwards in the form of editing typos and clarifying what doesn't even makes sense to me.

The possibility of your negative judgment of my writing was the main backchat within my initial resistance toward starting this blog. Why? Because I wanted to make sure that when I started publicly expressing myself and producing content, that I did so in a strategic way to gain approval and influence on the interweb. I was so worried about carefully shaping my content, that I resisted and delayed producing anything. Even still I struggle with pushing myself to publish video logs because I am still justifying this point of needing to make a certain impression, especially because the video medium allows for higher visibility, transparency and is easier to consume.

I also experienced a high level of frustration yesterday when I had not successfully saved my new self summary on my LinkedIn profile. I had written it with extraneous care, considering how every sentence fragment could shape how readers perceive me. Funny enough, I was writing it simultaneously as I was working on yesterday's post, so the point eventually became obvious how I was writing within ego; however, I continued justifying that I need to carefully and consciously shape how others saw me, especially in the harsh world of business professionals. So, when I lost my self summary and had to rewrite it again, I was constantly reminded of how great I thought it sounded, how perfect it was, how I can never get it back exactly as it was. I recognized my intense reactive state and I wrote about it in my computer journal. I had let the point go for the night, and came back at it with a fresh brain today. I wrote it this time with a more carefree, 'give it my best' attitude, remembering that I can always change it again.

It is now time to walk the self-forgiveness on this point more thoroughly within the dimension of being paranoid about others are judging my online presence. In upcoming blog posts, I'll get more into the paranoia surrounding my perception of how others judge my offline presence, which is a biggie.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to firstly consider how other people may perceive and judge my online writing, not realizing that these judgmental people are actually in my head within a subconscious layer of my mind, and thus an extension of myself. Therefore, I am only really judging myself when I limit my expression in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to careful impression management creations as my written self summary on LinkedIn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when I lost my carefully crafted facade of myself as my written online identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach frustration to loss, not realizing the truth that I can never lose my authentic self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is imperative that I manage how others may or might perceive my character.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify with the characters that I create and (attempt to) portray.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure when I do not successfully portray a specific character to invoke a specific, positive response in others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am is not a character, and that the characters I present are simply either effective or ineffective. In this, I now see realize and understand that an ineffective character only requires to be adjusted, and that failing to invoke the desired response in others is not something to be taken personally. I am not the personality that I present. Who I am is life, as an expression of what is best for all. And I commit myself to continue this journey towards unhindered self-expression within oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect success with positive responses/judgement from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach my self-definition with the character or public representation of myself in a particular situation that requires a certain personality suit.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I will make many mistakes when consciously representing myself in a particular way.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to make these mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when making mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making mistakes to my self-definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes in how I represent or express myself, not realizing that this fear is rooted in the belief that I am the personality that I create and live through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, not realizing that this fear is holding me back from effective, authentic self-expression.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will not effectively portray myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that the way I present myself is not directly linked to who I am, and thus, I commit myself to stop taking it personally within judgments, manifested or subconsciously projected.

When and as I see myself projecting subconscious self-judgments in the form of personalities/voices in my head, I stop I breathe. I realize that writing from a starting point of validated projected judgments severely limits my capacity to authentically express myself. I commit myself to stop the internal self-judgment backchat in the moment that I become aware of it, take a deep in-breath, hold it for a few seconds, stabilize myself back into my physical, breath out and express myself authentically in whatever situation.

When and as I see myself justifying an elaborate process of impression management while writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can always edit and make adjustments to my writing to portray myself more effectively after I've expressed myself unencumbered by voices in my head. I commit myself to first write for myself in getting my main point out, before I criticize and edit my writing.

When and as I see that I have made a mistake when presenting myself a certain way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to make edits and test out another way of presenting myself in my writing. This process can be repeated until I am satisfied. When in a real life interaction, I commit myself to accept when I make a mistake, let it go, and transition my expression back to the here-now moment and direct the interaction accordingly within common sense. I commit myself to not fear making mistakes. I commit myself to flag point whenever I see that I fear making a mistake, to further investigate the point.

When and as I see myself identifying with my mistakes, I stop, I breathe. I realize that who I am is not directly represented by the portrayal of a particular character or personality that I have created (consciously or not); though within this, I realize my responsibility for my physical participation, as actions and words, regardless of personality suit. I commit myself to remain emotionally detached from my mistakes, and instead, utilize them to make changes and improvements.

When and as I see myself reacting to positive feedback/judgement by taking it personally, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this reaction indicates an ego-oriented perspective, that charges this mind construct and substantiates both the positive and the negative within my disillusioned perception of judgment. I commit myself to breathe, be here, and express myself for the sake of self-expression and value creation in this world. Any feedback from others does not define who I am. No matter how much they assert and believe they're judgment is correct, I know confidently that who I am is determined in my starting point of my expression.

I commit myself to continue practicing self/character expression through words until there is no interference from the voices in my head. I commit myself to stop the self-judgment system. I commit myself to express freely within what is best for all.

Day 379 - Why Do I Blog?

I'm an investigator of the Self. I am not pretending to know what the Self is. My purpose for writing here is to find out, while simultaneously sharing with you. This process of self-discovery through writing investigation is a bit awkward at first because I've been trained in school to write with a certain voice. I see myself often still writing while thinking about how others might think about my self-expression through words. This is continuing to feed the flame of my ego. Alternatively, I write with SELF as the starting point of reference.

"Who am I within this topic?" is the starting point from which I must align my writing. Why? Because this is authentically self-support. No lies, agendas, deceit, or framing that is meant to pull a 'quick one' on you. So if you're reading this with an active mind chatter, looking for the holes in my story to discredit my entire person, you may just find it. My goal from now on is to double and triple check my starting point within my writing so that I can be sure that I am considering myself first within supporting myself through my self-expression. Lucky for you, you can read about it. It's best this way because it would be more selfish to hoard my self-investigation in some random folder on my computer.

Join me in an alignment process of SELF-forgiveness and commitment statements, and in future blogs I will continue to consciously practice this point until it is stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a need to write with a certain style so that I could please my readers, and in this not see, realize, or understand how I'm compromising my process.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when and as I am writing for others instead of for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others matter more in this process, and in that place my self-importance in the background.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "others must hear this message and understand it and apply it, and if I can just get 2 or more people to see, realize, understand, and apply themselves within this journey to life, then I don't have to."

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand front and center in my own process.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face this point directly to see how I am compromising myself by writing within ego (desire for + attention / fear of - attention), and take responsibility for this point by stopping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I'm only just a breath away from realigning my starting point when and as I see myself writing within ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and defend my ego-stance within writing by claiming that others need to hear, and others will only listen if I write to and for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in thinking that others can do it better, wherein I am abdicating taking responsibility for myself to be effective and clear within this process for myself as well as others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arrogantly believe I already understand a point that I've been exposed to and thus believe that I do not need to walk the point through self-forgiveness and corrective application.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see or distinguish when I am existing within knowledge/information only in relation to a single point, OR when I have completely understood and defined who I am in relation to a single point.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to push through this resistance of releasing old habits/perceptions and defining new ones. This process will be lengthy, as I have already heavily defined 'who I am' in relation to this world and everyone in it. This egocentric 'who I am' now needs to be released and redefined within awareness. I create.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take ownership over 'who I am' as who I have created myself to be.

I commit myself to now take full responsibility for myself as 'who I am' as who I have become, and in the creation process of who I am to become.

When and as I see myself wanting to write in a way so that I am liked by others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am in ego, overly concerned about how others will perceive my writing. I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back into a stability in my physical body, and continue writing for myself.

I know I have mentioned this point before multiple times, and I have yet to become stable within it. This indicates that there are more dimensions of it to discover.

I commit myself to continue to my investigation on this one specific point of ego-based writing.

I commit myself to continue pushing through any resistance toward facing this point and redefining it.

When and as I see myself in an energetic resistance toward finishing a blog post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is only an energy experience that exists in the moments before physical application. I commit myself to the process of recognizing resistance energy for what it is, pushing through it, and applying myself effectively within a fresh starting point rooted in a breath.

When and as I see myself writing to be perceived or recognized positively, I stop I breathe. I realize that this starting point is not self-supportive. I commit myself to really check myself and see if I am writing in a voice that is special tailored in consideration of the reader before I consider myself within my writing.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am not good enough to stand and lead this process for myself and other, I stop, I breathe. I realize that if I don't stand, how can I trust anyone else to? I commit myself to giving 100% of my effort in understanding who I have become and redirecting who I am to be. I commit myself to stabilizing myself within a clear starting point of blogging and behaving within Self-Support so that I may support others effectively and enjoy my life!

More on this to come...until it is done.

Day 378 - Redefining LOVE

true love, heart

I've investigated this topic enough to confidently restructure or redefine what LOVE is to me. I'll start by describing what love seemed like to me before I ever knew I could consciously define this inner experience, implying that I subconsciously defined it from the examples in my life.

In my Day 375 - What is Love?! (Baby Don't Hurt Me) post, I briefly described some of the experiences that I associated with LOVE, but there is more dimensions to it. One example that comes to mind is this sense of care and completion. A past girlfriend I had seemed to provide this feeling of fullness in my chest. It was very relaxing and enjoyable. I never experienced "head-over-heels" love or "This is the One" love. Every one of my relationships in my past never contained that perfect mutual experience of love that you see in the movies. I never fully trusted my feeling of LOVE because it was never solid or stable.

My journey through all the emotions and feelings associated with LOVE could be written about for a very long time, but the underlying theme was instability. The relationship dramas of positive feelings and negative consequences all stemming from desires and fears all seems like water under the bridge given a bit of time. This alone should be enough to question the validity of mainstream/Hollywood love, despite how real it can seem in a single moment.

The Desteni message rather harshly kicked me in the face with some common sense perspectives I resisted extensively while I was still enthralled in my pursuit and desire of perfect love. I wanted to be special and awesome, and then have that be validated by a significant other. Desteni put me in my place with the reality that I'm not just automatically special. I'm just a consciousness programmed (ego) to think I'm special so I can justify abusing and mistreating others in My Name. So in relation to LOVE, I was willing to give it only if I would get it in return. My love was conditional. I gave it to get a particular feeling I desired. Bluntly, it was a game. This is not LOVE.

LOVE is only real if it is stable and inclusive of all beings in the world. Think about it. Unconditional LOVE can't be defined or determined by just a few people in your immediate world and reality. Then it would be dependent on those people. Essentially, you would be blaming them for causing your experience of LOVE or HATE. To stabilize LOVE, it must be rooted in and as Self. It must be an expression of Self that is not dependent on external circumstances.

True LOVE is supporting Self and Others, equally as one, to reach our highest potential of ability and expressive capacity in the physical world. I am learning how to really LOVE for the first time in my life. In the agreement-relationship that I am now in, my life partner and I are supporting each other to specify and define our expression of LOVE in this world. It's a process, and it's taking a lot of work. It's not easy or automatic like a mind consciousness system instigated relationship love. It's a commitment. Whatever the challenge, we are able to communicate and find the solution.
"an ‘Agreement’ is Not something that is ‘Rosy’ in the beginning – it’s something that’s required to be ‘Worked-at’, ‘Looked-at’, ‘Lived’ ‘Moment to Moment’, in an ‘Complete and Total Understanding’." - From When are you Ready for 'Agreement'?
LOVE is physically supporting each other in our process out of the preprogrammed consciousness, to develop an equal and one relationship with our physical bodies, and world.

More Resources:

What is Sex - Love as Sex (Part 1) - Part 35


Day 377 - The Art of Self-Love

I've not been showing myself the love that I know to be true.

As some of my readers may already know, I've not been so consistent with my "daily" blogging. In the beginning, I forced myself to pump out a blog every day, even if it meant producing a sub-par post. I did this because I was more concerned about proving myself to myself and my readers that I could maintain a daily blog. I realized that I was compromising myself by not giving myself enough time to get to the nitty-gritty of my inner self and mind consciousness systems that I was finding within my being, so I disbanded that external pressure to post everyday (before midnight) in an attempt to produce high quality content.

It turned into a backdoor for excuses to not push through the resistance toward writing publicly. These excuses would transform and upgrade over time. It's imperative to find a system to keep this in check, and that's exactly what I've been missing. Now, this applies to everything and everyone. Whatever it is that you really want to do, but don't - you must do. Why? This is self-love.

Now must be clear that this DOES NOT include the things that you want to do. This is art of self-love is a caring, compassionate, considerate giving of yourself to yourself. It's about what you REALLY WANT, which is nothing short of what is best for all. How do I know that? I've tested it. "Give as you would like to receive" is legitimate. I can't really enjoy myself if I'm in such a state of self-interest that I don't consider the wholesome consequences of my words/actions in the context of the biggest picture.

But here's the interesting part: I didn't realize the format of self-interest that I have been in these past few months. It didn't look like the expected form of self-interest which kind of looks like an egocentric, greedy person in my mind. It was on the other end of the spectrum. There was a new form of financial uncertainty that I was going through and I couldn't see it clearly because I hadn't experienced it before AND because I wasn't writing consistently. Being consistent in any venture is one of the pivotal for success. In the Journey to Life process, it's no different. Consistent application yields quantifiable results.

To do less than everything you can is a sign that you've let resistance determine your self-direction. To be stable and consistent allows an individual to thrive in their pursuit of any goal. What is self-love, but thriving and growing and becoming your highest potential to leave this world better off than when it was when you were born?

See, that's the kicker that us Destonians get. Self-Love is All-Love. Self is Other. You could argue that it's human nature to be self-interested pleasure seeking survivalists, but once you really understand the mind, and yourself in relation to the mind, to support what is Best for All is common sense. To embody and live by the principle of what is Best for All requires a process, hence this 7-year journey to life blog. And what does a process require? Consistency.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have been compromising my self-love by casually allowing myself to go into resistance energy instead of standing stable and walking my process consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine my process by not giving myself the structured commitment to remain consistent in my expression of self-love as self-support through writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to temporarily hide my acceptance of excuses/justifications, so that I could delay being self-honest, not realizing that this seemingly innocent delay of self-honesty is, in fact, self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my wants and desires that are a function of my individual satisfaction, before common sense that is rooted in wholesome consideration of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a system of self-application that would support me to be consistent within my process. For example: I started placing my #1 priority into a 'special box' and can only put one priority in at a time. This has helped me stay focused. There are many creative ways to support yourself. Find something that works for you!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences procrastination and inconsistency.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to clearly define each process and the steps I must take first to become successful in my pursuit of what is best.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize the pattern of self-abuse that is not self-love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive the importance/value of self-love as less than what it is.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to define self-love.

When and as I see myself in a state of inconsistent self application, I stop I breathe. I commit to take a look at who I've been within my recent decisions. I commit myself to create a shift within myself to get back to a physical process which can measured. I commit myself to do what needs to be done to create this alignment with me. I commit myself to always return to physicality and hold myself responsible to do so.

When and as I see myself delaying responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I must more clearly define why and/or how I must move myself to create in the physical reality, I shall do so. I commit myself to clarify uncertainties that allow me to more easily move into excuses and justifications.

When and as I see myself moving within self-interest and denial of the biggest picture, I stop, I breathe in, I hold this breath for 3 seconds, I stabilize myself in my physical body, I stop the energy that urges my involvement, I breathe out, I apply myself in the physical reality through/with/as the principle of doing what is best for all, because I realize that this is what I really want. This is Self-Love.

Day 376 - Resistance Toward Redefining LOVE

For context, read my last post to get the opening context for how I am opening up my relationship to love.

I have experienced a bit of resistance toward this LOVE redefinition process, and I wrote about the resistance and accidentally lost that initial writing when I refreshed my blogger page. I reacted to this with discouragement and delayed writing my next post even longer. Self-sabotage.

The plan is now to continue writing about my resistance toward this point, but I'm going to open up even more dimensions to it than I did initially. Those points were related primarily to fearing what others and past lovers would think about me, my philosophy and the direction I'm taking in my life in relation to LOVE. My writing and forgiveness process within it allowed me to see that I'm the one judging myself, which has been very disabling in my areas of this journey to life process. Behind this self-judgment was a lack of Self-Trust, which structurally looks like I've been allowing myself to continue to define myself based on what others do/say/think in reaction to my expression. I place my trust in others to reflect and define myself, my worth, my personality. If it wasn't so 'natural', I'd say it's insane.

My personal experience with the word LOVE also plays a significant role. The feelings and emotions that I associated with love were never stable, so I could never say for certain that I loved another because the feeling did not stand the test of time. I even used to say, "my definition of love upgrades with every relationship." Interesting that I used the word upgrades, which shows me that I've been climbing for higher and higher experiences of LOVE within each of my relationships. More on this in the next post.

Love as it is defined in various movies and media is really a peculiarity. They often depict the moments where that human emotion is strongest, and then there is some conflict, and then LOVE perseveres in the end. So now our culture has become obsessed with finding their happy ending. Reality is so much different, and yet we prefer ignorance because of a mental phenomena that allows us to quickly overlook reality before we even realize that it's real, and so go on with the delusion that feels right, that feels good. Self-Honesty would be to not overlook reality, no matter how much you may want to.

Another reason I was resistant toward writing this post is because I don't know enough about LOVE. "I'm too young. Too inexperienced. Too biased. Too detached." This general design of not knowing enough, or not being good enough is without question a mind pattern that must be stopped. It's rooted deep inside of my mind through my constant participation within it throughout my life. I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not good enough to be able to accomplish many things, and for that I forgive myself.

From here, I realize that I create today fresh. Unconscious belief systems that tie me to my past conditioning are serious mind problem, and I choose to let them go through self-forgiving. The resistance I've built up to writing about LOVE is unacceptable. I let it go. I don't need to have perfect coherence and solid tie ins to the title within every sentence. This is surely a limitation on my self-expression in writing. Is limiting myself through judgments and rules an act of Self-Love? What is Self-Love? I'll continue with this in my process of redefining LOVE.