Day 399 - Self-Leadership in a Relationship



I am quickly approaching the one year mark of living with my agreement partner. The past three weeks have been pivotal for me in realizing who I have become since moving in with my life partner, and who I want to be as a self-lead individual, acting to create that which is best for all within common sense.

We had little break for a weekend, and this space and time served as an opportune moment for me to reflect on who I have become. We have been constantly falling into the age-old pattern blaming each other as the problem and source of disharmony in our lives. Why would I continue unchanged when I see that the real problem is how I perceive and approach conflict in my life? Why am I here in this pattern? What happened to how I used to be?

I used to have this inner drive to excel and create, mind you, this drive is not free of energy. The desire for superiority, for praise and pride, for power, for longevity, for immortality through lasting creation, all of this contributed to the energetic personality that I specifically structured in my younger years.

That, I had to protect. Those false priorities of narrow and self-interested mind...they held my inner drive for excellence together. They comprised a very intimate sense of self. Before beginning my agreement-relationship, I was not fully ready to take on these dimensions of character. I was preserving them, and justifying how they can still exist in alignment with Desteni / best for all living. Living in close proximity with another process walker is an outstanding amplifier of self-honesty.

And because neither of us have walked this process of creating a comprehensive set of living agreements from which we define and shape our lives, individually and together, neither of us had an overwhelming quality of grace when trying to support the other to see themselves self-honestly. Lots of finger pointing, and disgruntled nights. It was uncomfortable for both of us. Reminding myself how the squabbling and reactive fights are revealing the mind's dominion of my vocal chords, and reminding myself of the end-picture, the potential that I know we will create together, is how I remained stable through the dark hours of the mind. It's only energy, and I'll be damned if I'm going to allow it to sabotage a physical potential for authentic love.

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What have I come to realize? I'll share that tomorrow.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to protect my self-dishonest nature of self as the desires for greatness, immortality through the creations that will outlast my lifetime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on manifesting moments with others in which I will feel praised, so that I can feel proud within the self-concept construct of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that who I believe myself to be is not who I am physically, and within this, for not realizing that who I am physically (in writing, in the spoken word, in action) is all that truly matters in the grand scheme of life on earth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really let go of who I am as the mind, as the self-concept, as the person I desire to be reassured by my external reality, of who I fear I'm not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the solution of covering up my own fears. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that hiding my fears is but a bandage bound to fall off.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, understand and ACT within the ultimate solution as facing all of myself within self-honesty, to dispel the illusion of grandeur, to forgive the fears, and to create lasting, best for all solutions that will stand into eternity.

And,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually blame my external world and the people in it when life isn't handing me ego-validation on a silver platter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this journey to life for granted, and within that, for taking my agreement partnership for granted.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've been taking these processes for granted by attempting to perpetuate constructs that support me as the mind, as my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project how I want the world to be and how I want others in my world to be and be toward me, onto the physical reality, and to not see how this is a serious force creating conflict in my life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider the physical first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run within the energies of the mind that pop up so nice and automatically for me...from me.


Thank you, my precious ego. You're prior ideas about the world and yourself in it are no longer of service.

Thank you, my dearest breathing body, for sticking with me through this horrible abuse that my ego perpetuates. I promise to diligently work through all the layers of dishonesty and bring myself home to the physical. I can, and I will.



*Picture attribution link

Day 398 - The 'Creation through Certainty' Character


I have created a character that allows me to feel comfortable in knowing that I am on track, and because I'm on track, I don't really need to exert myself. I'm going to call it "The Universe will take care of me" character. This stems from having a comfortable and privileged upbringing. My parents did a good job nourishing me and increasing my capacity to take on great challenges, but I didn't have a whole lot of practice taking on challenges. This probably connects to that feeling of anxious ambition that I have identified with for most of my life.

Now, I'm not completely spoiled nor unwilling to work. I like to envision and create some pretty cool stuff, but I haven't had many serious applications of this. I would create little, fun projects that yielded a sense of pride. For example, when I was in elementary school, about 9 years old, I saw a roll of raffle tickets in the store one day and realized that I could run my own raffle to make money! I sold several tickets to some of my school friends before I got sent in to the principal's office.

The the underlying point is: I've had lots of creative experience with ventures that were relatively easy. I could see the start through to the finish, and the amount of effort required by me was unmistakable. This way, I had enough overall certainty to determine that I would succeed before I started...

Here is where I messed up. I liked the certainty so much that it became the primary way through which I initiated creation. And that's the problem I did not foresee from the vantage point of youthful ignorance. Whether or not I could have is irrelevant because there's only one reality here, and that's what I have to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how creating within the confines of certainty is vastly limited in scope.

And I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I had created this habit for my creation process, and so have vastly limited myself and my potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear uncertainty, risk, and loss.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be okay with loss.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to welcome uncertainty and risk into my life so that I may challenge myself to ask the relevant questions and make decisions of greater magnitude without fear, but instead with common sense.

Here we go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe fear to be valid within my decision making.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by fear energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create thoughts and backchat within fear, and then accept this inner voice/perspective as valid, and at that, more valid than any other perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to substantiate my fear-spawned beliefs and opinions by acting and moving within them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that with common sense discernment, I can make significantly better decisions in life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully embody the realization that I can stop any energy - thought, feeling or emotion - that comes up within me in reaction to any specific circumstances. Breathe. Release. Forgive. Let it go.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the energies+thoughts that come up within me automatically, are self-creations of the past that must be updated.

I created me through the vastly limited perspective of my youth. I created me through an incomplete picture of reality. I created me in consideration of only my own interests: desires and fears.

I now commit myself to creating and recreating myself within expanding awareness of Self and All.

That's huge! The criteria with which I create myself is continually changing with expanding awareness. There's the full circle key insight. All my creations, external and within, were based on known certainties of the past. They were all neatly packaged up and ready to be executed. If something went wrong...I'd just abandon the mission. Remember how I mentioned only being comfortable with uncertainty and risk when the stakes were low? If the stakes were high, and abandoning the mission were not an option...

...I simply wouldn't try.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the end of the road, being left with no options, no alternatives, falling into the darkness of the unknown. It feels like death, or at least has a strong connection to the fear of death point.

Transmutation of perspective: There is always a way. Where there is a will, there is a way, as my dad would often say. (Why didn't I orient to this from the beginning?... I was lacking the will.)

Parkour Philosophy agrees. When there appears to be no path, keep looking. Regardless of if it truly is a dead end, real-time, solution-oriented focus is unyielding and may even become stronger.

This is my resolve.

I commit myself to breathe some life into my process.
I commit myself to persist with solution-oriented living.
I commit myself to create without fear of failure.
I commit myself to bring serious effort into all my pursuits.




Day 397 - Finishing a post

I commit myself to finish this post.

I have a long-standing behavioral pattern of starting lots of little projects and not finishing them. For example, I've now got 4 draft posts starting with "Day 397 - ..." Some of them have have only a sentence; others have enough content to be published.

An important question = WHY?! Why am I doing this? There are several angles to take on it, so I'm going to methodically work through them.

1)   Trying to blog about too many angles of a particular topic. This is what happened last time, and what I am now at risk of doing, but this time, I'm committed to finishing. When unexpected angles, dimensions, facets, factors, etc. come into play, suddenly the whole idea of the plan can become shaky. It's like the mind is driven to reach a goal within a rigid plan, and as soon as things aren't going as expected, then the drive vanishes and the beginning never meets the end.

2)   Nurture. It's far too easy to just blame my parents, but I can see similarities in myself and the way I approach projects and various activities in life. I could go on to make comparisons, but that's not direction that I'd like to take my writing. The key within this is to recognize the similarities between Self and parents/whomever, write and expand our understanding about the strengths and weaknesses, and then TAKE RESPONSIBILITY to leverage our strengths and strengthen our weaknesses.

3)   Focus. I have 11 tabs open in my browser, not including this one or the other 220 I have stored in my OneTab extension. Like I said, I have an issue with finishing what I start. Fret not! I've got this point in my sights and I'm not backing away. To stay focused is simple (see the first 7 words in the post). And if that fails, investigate what went wrong, and start again with a fresh commitment. Why is this so powerful? Because Self has all the power, unless you give it away through accepting and allowing mental programs to drive your thoughts and so your Self.

4)   Prioritization. Without it, we can cast our vision too wide and quickly become overwhelmed by it all. My relationship with the sensation of overwhelmingness has typically been avoidance. As soon as things become "too much," I turn in the other direction. So, "too many responsibilities to do right now" = avoid all responsibility and find bliss in a game of Sudoku. It hurts to write. Self-Honesty is easy, said no one ever. Solution = orient to only the top priority and go for it. If a higher priority comes up, then focus every fiber of your being on that task until it's done so that you may return to the highest priority you were previously working on.

5)   Habit. Procrastination is not just something to take pride or shame in. It's also a habituated behavior. The mental pathways that lead to this behavior over and over again become favored in specific situations. Throughout my school years. I did what I wanted to do after school, and I did my homework (sometimes very) late into the night. This was my preference, and whatever the negative consequences were, I simply wrote them off for years on end. Now, the pattern is basically the same, except now, I've got a new starting point: Do what is best for all. So, it's not just me considering me anymore. To build my future and create significant value for others, I need to shed this habit. How? Self-forgiveness and corrected application commitments...work damn well.


Wrapping it up: I realize now that I don't have to have the perfect post...

6)   Perfectionism. Almost forgot it. I've intentionally left the above line to show my willingness to no longer trouble myself with the impossible goal of perfection defined in comparison with the ideal. This haughty goal takes a lot of energy and has gone on too long. Enough! The correction is in realizing that what I've written so far is already perfect within the process of perfection. Meaning, it doesn't have to be perfect now, but through continually applying myself and adjusting things as I go along, I will ultimately get as close as I can to perfection. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is living to your highest potential.


It is important to realize that forward movement is essential to becoming a success in any endeavor. Trying to reach perfection in one fell swoop and giving up if any obstacle comes up is a recipe for regret. Practice the writing and Self-honesty (@DIPlite). Move within imperfection while striving for a well defined outcome, and be ready to parkour any obstacles that stand in your way. Be ready for anything. Focus on the outcome you want, and focus on the solution when problems arise.

Creation is a movement and it doesn't always go as planned. Expect the unexpected and move like water.


source: garinkilpatrick.com



Day 396 - Why Do I Make Rushed Decisions?




I have a propensity to want to take the fast route, and this is because I've trained myself over the years to do so based on obtaining desires and avoiding fears, namely Self-interest. This training of myself was a process of automating my decisions, so I wouldn't have to put in the effort of discernment when a similar situation arose in the future.

That's a really important insight. congruent

Now recognizing that this decision automation phenomenon works based on the assumption that similar situations that may or may not happen in the future are essentially, exactly the same. Sometimes the past and future situations may be so overwhelmingly similar that we confidently label them "the same," but this experience would primarily serve to reinforce/solidify the misconception that "similar = same." I'd like to propose that this may even be the source of all conflict in the world.

Solution: Slow down the decision processes to nearly the speed of initial learning/integration, allowing us the space and time to bring multiple dimensions into consideration. To have a clean slate going into a decision process, versus utilizing my brain's preprogrammed decisions that really only function according to one or a few dimensions at most. Therefore, creating new mind-programs for the sake of easy decision making in the future is really an obsolete use of the mind. It follows that I can no longer run from the "effort of discernment." I must embrace it.

For as I apply myself more and more in this moment to moment decision making, the process itself will become easier as would anything that is practiced. As the saying goes, 10,000 hours of decision making within here-moments of comprehensive consideration, and I'll be a master decider! :)

I conclude that trying to avoid the "effort of discernment" only perpetuates, if not strengthens, the perception of difficulty within making decisions without preconceptions. I now commit myself to practice making more real-time, moment to moment decisions.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I've automated most of my decision making processes based on what best served me, as a mind, within my past experiences.

Furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, perceive and trust that I am "knowing" because I've had multiple accounts of success while applying my self-pre-programmed decision processes throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the value of putting forth a fresh, unbiased perspective when facing a moment of deciding something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, as a central, subconscious justification for collecting knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to circumvent the effort of discernment by accumulating enough knowledge and information that I can trust will guide me through life successfully by allowing (old) knowledge and information to, in essence, make my decisions for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from knowledge and information through attempting to collect, gather and store as much potentially-some-day relevant information as I can to free myself from the responsibility and consequences of making decisions myself.

Wooooooooooooo. That's a doozy. *Breathes in*

*Breathes out*

Continuing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superiorize my self-concept based on the amount and quality of the knowledge and information that I possess, quality being determined by the number of experiences of success and being 'right' when employing it.

I believe that it is I who is right, when clearly it was the information that was correct. And practically by luck of the draw, my opinion aligned with fact, and my ego soaks that moment up to create myself within the Arrogant Character. What's really interesting is how the decision to apply past information was really me. The decision was actually made by me, as the mind, as the knowledge and information itself. Goes to show why I would fight tooth and nail to prove I am right...Because I believe that I am the mind/information.

Wow, perception is powerful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the information that I've gathered throughout my life experience.

And, I forgive myself for not accepted and allowing myself to realize how I've created and allowed my mind to automate my decisions and guide me through life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue protecting and defending myself as the mind, as information, and I now commit myself to reconsider everything.

I commit myself to flag-point my quick decisions to serve as a reminder that I may be in energy and of mind within the decision. Action plan: Check-in with self, and assess the starting point of the decision. If there is any memory, belief system or a dated mental construct, SLOW DOWN. Strive to bring more into consideration than what feels natural. Breathe.

I realize that decision making will become easier again. Understanding Self-honesty conceptually is a whole other thing from applying/living it. My self-interested, automated and pre-programed decision making within my mind consciousness system needs to be debugged. I have to recode and restructure how I make decisions...one decision at a time.

More on this to come!



Notes for further expansions:
- Impatience Character
- Trust in pre-existing knowledge
- Resisting responsibility
- Opinion as self-defining
- Parkour Philosophy
- Ego-death resistances

Day 395 - Remember the System Demon Portal Interviews?

Desteni - interdimensional portal, system demons

This is a YouTube Playlist of the 32 different mind system demons that came through the portal in 2011-2012

2011 System Demons 1 - Fear Demon
2011 System Demons 2 - Child Abuse Demon
2011 System Demons 3 - Prophet Demon
2011 System Demons 4 - Mother Demon
2011 System Demons 5 - Father System
2011 System Demons 6 - Time Demon
2011 System Demons 7 - Trust Demon
2011 System Demons 8 - Sex Demon
2011 System Demons 9 - Masturbation System
2012 System Demons 10 - Nervous Demon
2012 System Demons 11 - Fear of Loss Demon
2012 System Demons 12 - Obsession Demon
2012 System Demons 13 - Possession Demon
2012 System Demons 14 - Swear word Demon
2012 System Demons 15 - Peace Demon
2012 System Demons 16 - Money Demon
2012 System Demons 17 - Knowledge Demon
2012 System Demons 18 - Wisdom Demon
2012 System Demons 19 - Ascension Demon
2012 System Demons 20 - Health Demon
2012 System Demons 21 - Meditation Demon
2012 System Demons 22 - DIY removal of System
2012 System Demons 23 - Crocodile Tears Demon
2012 System Demons 24 - Energy Demon
2012 System Demons 25 - Embarrassment Demon
2012 System Demons 26 - Fear of Change Demon
2012 System Demons 27 - Sacred Geometry Triangle Demon
2012 System Demons 28 - Knowledge Demon
2012 System Demons 29 - Information Demon
2012 System Demons 30 - Belief System Demon
2012 System Demons 31 - Starting Point Demon
2012 System Demons 32 - Flagpoint Demon

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It's been too long since I've watched these! I can't even be sure that I've watched them all. This post is just to emphasize how supportive these interviews are, still today! I'll continue from this post expanding on specific System Demons, how they exist in my life, and how I will support myself to remove them.



Credit to Demons Daily on YouTube
Ask questions on the Desteni Forum

Day 394 - Inertia of Self



Inertia: (physics) the tendency of a body to maintain its state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force

I have been a body at rest. Life has thrown at me a myriad of impulses (external forces) that have moved me in a multitude of directions. The impulses that I accept and allow most, become the direction in which I most travel. Inertia.


Fascinating! My force within me has hardly been expressing. This force, this initiative force that comes from within me, not an external force, is a force that I must actively create and strengthen. It starts small and while I'm still within the storm of velocities that I'm traveling as a consequence of external influences that I took on. So, firstly, this inner force must be directed at understanding itself, myself. Knowing who I am as this inner force will require practice, testing and living. I no longer allow myself as a victim of inertia.

I create or allow movement. I am a being subject to inertia. I must see, realize and understand my velocities, or directions in which my personality has developed and so guides me currently. My current speed and direction that shapes my life path must be stopped if I am to create a new velocity for my life. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see this dynamic of how I am a product of my past, traveling down my life path with not even an ounce of 'free will'. I commit myself to create movement as a manifested stopping power for my pre-existing state of inertia. I commit myself to create myself as manifested movement in the direction that supports what is best for all.

Desteni has a very specifically created direction. The Desteni material was an external force unlike most of the others. It forced me to look at myself with Self-honesty, and for the first time I began recognizing my own inertia. I still have sooo much inertia that continues to move and create within the self-interest & survival principles. But now that I'm a Destonian, I have an understanding of my own inertia and my capacity to change it.

I'm not condemned to the direction my life was headed before I started investigating the Desteni material. I understand and see my Self-Directive, Principled Living Potential. Now I am continually faced with the awareness of my current movement and state of inertia. Now, I have the choice to be self-honest and direct myself according to what will create best for all outcomes for life.

Life has an inertia to it. It's unstoppable. The programmed mind also has an inertia quality to it, but it's much more easily stopped. It's just a program. I, as an internal and principled Life-Force, am able to direct effort toward rewriting the program. It's just an educated choice.

It's easy to remain inert, but at death...you don't want to look back and see that you were merely a creation of inertia. You want to look back and see the inertia you've created.


Start educating yourself. Investigate everything. Give yourself the choice to express as life. Best. Gift. Ever.




Day 393 - Realizing My Utmost Potential: Seize Moments of Opportunity




Never again will I wait and hope for opportunity to embrace me.


The eighth vow of success as written in Og Mandino's book titled The Greatest Salesman in the World, Part II: The End of the Story. I just read this "scroll" tonight for the first time, and it resonated with me in a very important way. Most of my life, I've been fortunate and had access to most earthly pleasures. I felt special. My world was filled with opportunities, and it was relatively effortless to move myself in the direction that best suited me. Opportunities came knocking, and all I had to do was say yes or no. For the first time in my life, opportunities are not overtly coming to me  as they had in my past. Going with the flow is no longer a viable option.

Now it is my turn to go knocking on opportunity's door. I am now responsible for recognizing potential, AND doing the hard work to create success from opportunity. This is the key take away I received from my reading tonight. Moving myself and taking the initiative in life is personally an underdeveloped skill. I hadn't need it in my passive approach to seizing blatantly obvious opportunities that would serve my best interests. No longer flowing down that easy river of predetermined direction that I called life, I now must lead myself in and as life to create my/life's utmost potential. The commitment to consider all as equals, as life, as one, as myself is a real game changer! I stand. I take on this challenge. I commit myself to finding and creating opportunities that are conclusive solutions in supporting what is best for all life.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to put forth serious effort in transforming opportunity into value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted my past living and lifestyle of going with the flow, of zombie-like decision making, of waiting for success to find me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I will always be taken care of by the universe because I am special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more special than other people in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel entitled to comfortable living.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that without taking the initiative to lead and create my life in specificity, I am not really living at all. To follow the automated living of consciousness is hardly living. I realize that if I am going to manifest my highest potential of myself and so contribute to manifesting the highest potential of humanity, I MUST MOVE.

Inertia.

What a great word to investigate! Join me tomorrow for my philosophical reflection here.



Declaration of Principled Living 1.2

Day 392 - On Writing: Sharing is Caring



As everyone in the universe has or will have noticed that I've not been posting regularly in this Journey to Life blog, I now commit myself to rejuvenate my blogging initiative.

What does this mean exactly? Rejuvenate as in "Return to life," and Initiative as in "a new program or strategy for dealing with a problem." Writing in my Journey to Life blog is a personal process, shared with all. Writing on my own private computer journal has been trending recently, and I've made all kinds of justifications for why I write there and not here, publicly. No more!

I'm going to get back into the groove of unconditionally sharing my process and writing with you all because then you are able to hold me accountable and check my words. If you can relate to a mind pattern that I've opened up for myself, great. It's not fair to myself or others for me to keep my writing private, with the exception of sensitive subjects that common sense wouldn't allow for publishing. The main point, I'm here to do what is best for all, and sharing my process writing is best for all.

So, welcome back Dan!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a coherent progression within my Journey to Life blog, and to have used this desire as an excuse to not write on the most salient process points on the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to first write privately and only later transfer the writing into a blog. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist editing and publishing previously written material from my private computer journal. In addition to the resistance, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like it is 'cheating' to "plagiarize" myself and not just write new material directly into Blogger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the negative perception I had toward copying and pasting my own writing as an excuse to not post at all. In this, I realize that the uncertainty and non resolution of this point within myself was leading me into a mental stalemate, a confusion that I didn't sort out, I didn't find a solution, I suppressed it, subconsciously figuring that I'd address it sometime. Not cool. If I let my mind move me into such suppressions, the problem persists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to write a perfect blog, and so create a resistance toward publishing until I've written a certain amount, found a picture, labeled the keywords, and crossed all the t's and dotted all the i's (as if that was a real problem these days)

If you haven't starting your writing process yet: lite.desteniiprocess.com
If you have, keep moving! :)


Day 391 - Submissive Conflict Avoidance, Ridicule & Leadership




In the Desteni leadership development group, we started investigating 'tough minds' in society and our responsibility in relation to them. There are people out there who react to their environment and people around them, having little or no time to stop themselves. Many others, myself included, have a mind that allows us to hold back or suppress our reactions, especially the reactions that would social conflict or awkwardness, for example. So our exercise is to find a person in our life that we reacted toward with blame and judgment toward their expression, and to bring that point back to self. Here I am sharing my process with this exercise:

Archetype/Character: goes with the flow to a fault, lacking leadership of others, submissive conflict avoidance.

Me in relation to this point- especially with women, I do not like this aspect of myself where I wait for another to lead/initiate to avoid facing the fear of failure/rejection/ridicule. When I also look at my brother in relation to me, I see how I've ridiculed him in a fool hearted attempt to distance myself from being the victim of ridicule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and fight for the position that I can be separate and protected from victimhood of ridicule by ridiculing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ridicule others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show affection for others by ridiculing them when they express anything that I deem worthy of ridicule because I am justified in showing them this point at home/in a close relationship, to help them prevent public ridicule or ridicule from a stranger or love interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that my justifications for ‘teaching’ others where/how they can be ridiculed through reacting to their expression through ridicule, are fears that I have within me that I have accepted and allowed to shape myself as mind, and so shape my life in the external.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ridiculed by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of an opportunity that is a result of a weakness within me that can be judged/ridiculed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to strengthen others through ridicule and judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear public ridicule, and within this, fear being defined by others in a negative/weak way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘weakness’ with the word ‘negativity.’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within myself by principle. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the reactions of others. And within this, I realize that who I am is who I am as standing principle within myself and without in my lived participation in this world and with every interaction.



I commit myself to now take the lead and go with it.

I commit myself to fail in my process toward self-perfection, within the awareness that I commit myself to always get back up and test a new way in the next moment, until I am stable in success.

I commit myself to stop ridiculing others’ weaknesses.

I commit myself to turning my ridicule back unto myself.

I commit myself to no longer fear public ridicule, as I now define myself by who I know myself to be as the principles I stand for and express myself through.

I commit myself to showing others that I am not swayed by their ridicule.

I commit myself to intentionally subjecting myself to ridicule, so that as the energy reaction comes up within me, I can utilize this moment to breathe and release this pattern that I no longer accept and allow myself to believe to be who I am.

I commit myself to stopping the self-construct belief system that is defined through me giving others the responsibility to define myself…interesting.

TBC

Day 390 - Responsible Self Creation


A fascinating point opened up for me this week. In short, I've been walking process in separation of it. What does this mean? I've defined this Journey to Life / Desteni I Process as a thing that sits on the shelf, and so when I was walking down the aisle and saw it, I threw it in my shopping cart. Desteni became for me just another 'thing' that I could have a relationship with and so define myself by it. When you investigate the process that Desteni outlines, you will find that it is impossible to passively consume the information and call yourself a Destonian. It is very much a participatory process.

Now, on one hand, I could say that seeing, realizing and understanding this point was also just part of the process, and that would be true; however, on the other hand, this point is essential to walk my process effectively. So let's just say that it is a critical stepping stone. Let me elaborate a bit more.

The corrective application for this point is what is so fascinating about it. It is as follows: Self is referenced first, then the external is referenced. I know, right? Awesome. Before, when I was walking process in separation of it, what I was doing missing Self in the equation of living. Don't get me wrong: I had an ego/self-concept that was constantly considered, judged, protected, etc. But Self, here, was in the background while my consciousness called all the shots. So, now I'm practicing including Self in the equation, and one specific experience of how I do so is best described as a shift forward within myself.

Example: Slouched over, at my desk, reading this blog post. I notice myself. I ask, "where am I [within my body]?" I sit up straight. I take a breath. And then it's like I, within myself, move closer to my eyes. My peripheral vision is slightly more in awareness as is my body. From here, I can consider my reality more expansively than a moment ago. And this is just the beginning of responsible self creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is hard to be here, aware of myself within physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire escaping into my mind to avoid my responsibilities and furthermore hide what I am doing from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an easy, automated way of transcending the mind, which is also accurately phrased as 'escaping the mind', wherein I now realize that this misconceptualization only feeds the mind and that I (Self) actually have to participate in process if this is going to get done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put forth the necessary effort to push through the resistances and fears that have long held me within my base set of personalities, and so perceptions, thus vastly limiting my potential to the point where it makes me sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the realization of who and how I have been living as, with an unease of self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within self-judgment, instead of moving forward in the realization that I now see the point, and I now commit myself to taking full responsibility for the point, and I commit to changing myself through living the corrective application.

When and as I see myself slumped over with my beingness shifted into the background, and/or I am reactive to my environment, not really considering everything INCLUDING SELF, I stop, I breathe. I realize I am here. I see where I am at within my daily responsibilities. I write. I create a game plan. I move myself.

This is my chance to responsibility create myself and reach my highest potential.

This is your chance too.
Just gotta walk the process ;)

Day 389 - Redefining RESPONSIBILITY for Myself



Continuing from yesterday:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility because I wanted the "freedom" of having little or no responsibility, not realizing the equation of responsibility = power = freedom. I realize that I've been deluding myself to believe that RESPONSIBILITY is a 'bad' thing...and now that I see the vast implications of this poorly defined word. I commit myself to continue with the redefinition of the word responsibility in my next post.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live myself in relation to 'responsibility' without fully understanding what this word means, what I've created it to mean, how I think and feel about the word, and who I am as my expression in the context of 'responsibility.'

What I found yesterday was that my definition of responsibility is tainted with an energetic charge. With just a moment's look at this point, a hazy memory activates where I recall making the choice to desire freedom from responsibilities. As I continue to introspect here, I see how I've attached the word 'restriction' to 'responsibility' where the backchat goes like "Having responsibilities means I'm obligated to do something, and if I don't do it, then I'd get in trouble...better off just avoiding responsibility whenever I can."

Man oh man, Dan. So this is some insight into my current definition of how I live/lead my life when it comes to responsibilities. Thanks for being self-honest Dan. Now I can redefine this word, and accordingly change myself. Now with awareness, I commit myself to creating my self-expression through responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative emotional charge to the word 'obligation' through a polarity equation of the positive word 'freedom'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I've created my relationship toward 'responsibility' through a negative charge in relation to positively charged feelings within my relationship 'freedom'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must also redefine all the related words to 'responsibility', like 'freedom', 'obligation', 'power', and even 'creation'. I realize there are many words that I have accepted into myself and lived/expressed myself through them without ever questioning my relationship to these words, these foundational building blocks of my self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'responsibility' as 'obligation' as negative and so better to be avoided.


Now, I'm seeing another dimension: Being responsible means that I am subject to judgment and criticism from others. "Best to keep my head low to avoid being blamed for doing something wrong," goes the backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, accept and allow the backchat: "Best to avoid the risk of being held responsible for something negative, where others can label me and define me in a negative light."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined negatively by others, through a belief that "if my social network disowns me, then I will not survive." The bottom line here is survival, though this extreme isn't in awareness when experiencing the fear of rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how I perceive others will judge me as a function that I have no control over. Within this pattern, I assume the worst case scenarios where I am a victim of bullying, and more specifically, social excommunication...so if I keep a low profile and assert myself only when I can be sure that I will be positively judged for my assertion, then I can dodge my fear of ridicule and rejection.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I've avoided responsibility in my life because I feared being ridiculed and rejected. This is a dimension of self-insecurity, wherein I am not standing as a pillar of stability within myself. Nope. I have been defining myself according how others see me, and so have shaped my entire social personality around being likable, and within this, I've avoided responsibility because there is more risk for failure, rejection, ridicule, and negative judgement which can lead to not being able to survive or have a great life.

So two main dimensions here:
1) Responsibility is not equal to freedom.
2) Responsibility is being subject to the judgement of others (which I have allowed me to define myself by)

For these points, I forgive myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these statements of self-disillusionment to live within me. I forgive myself that I had not given myself the time and opportunity to write out this whole system/definition of 'responsibility' in self-honesty, so I may from there walk myself through the living correction process.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for my definition of 'responsibility' so that I may live and express myself responsibly in the context of what is best for all. This is how I will actualize my utmost potential.

I've now exposed and released my old definitions embedded in the word 'responsibility'. Tomorrow, I will continue with completing the redefinition process, which is also known as: Self-creation.


Recommended additional reading on the Redefining of Word Process:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-116-re-defining-words-to-living.html


Day 388 - Realizing My Utmost Potential: Purifying Self-limiting Beliefs



I've now published my Declaration of Principle, and now it's time to start detailing what it practically means so as to provide a road map for myself. This is necessary because the process that is required to live by these principles constantly demands specificity. This is not an act of positive thinking. This is the real nitty-gritty of self-transformation, and it begins here.

I'd like to start with a quote from Sunette Spies:
"I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand how my “within” would become my “without” – where: I kept on accepting and allowing self-doubt, insecurity, fear, uselessness to sabotage my relationship to responsibility, then responsibility would come and accept/allow “I am not good enough” to take over – which then leads to me disappointing myself and others when it comes to responsibilities until eventually…I stopped placing myself in ‘responsible’ / ‘dependable’ situations and embraced the ‘irresponsible’ / ‘undependable’ persona."
 The original blog post can be found here. When I read this, I could instantly relate to it and could see how I am also sabotaging my relationship to responsibility through self-doubt, insecurity and fears that connect intimately with my self-concept, who I believe myself to be. What I notice about this point in particular is that I'm uncomfortable while contemplating it. It's like I don't have the words to fully understand what's going on, so I could extrapolate that I've never understood why I have been walking throughout my life with these 'heavy', self-limiting beliefs.

It follows that: I cannot live my fullest potential, if I have not yet realized my fullest potential; and I cannot see my fullest potential if I am perpetually am entangled with self-limiting belief systems that dominate my consciousness with a fierce fear-energy that I have not ever sorted out. What a mess! To map this out, it looks like: I'm accepting and allowing belief systems about who I am / who I can become because underneath of those beliefs lies the fear-energy that I've never faced.

Flowing with fear = never realizing or living to my utmost potential.

I now commit myself to expose these layers of the mind to myself, so that I may adequately support myself to become my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow beliefs about who I am and what I can/cannot do. I realize that this acceptance and allowance these internal, self-limiting beliefs, without questioning, is detrimental to my fullest living expression of myself, here on earth. I commit myself to question and examine all my beliefs more thoroughly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly accept and allow my beliefs so as to not see the exact details of how I had created these beliefs in the first place. I realize that a hasty acceptance of beliefs is likely propelled by systematic energy in my mind that I've created and compounded over and over through my perceptions, choices and habits throughout my life. I commit myself to firstly stop creating and accumulating these belief-substantiating energies of the mind; this I realize is a process preceding real self creation in the physical world. I commit myself to recognizing the hasty nature of self-limiting beliefs, so that I may then stop, breathe, and go into the details of the belief system, look at the fear and various systematic energies, and to from there go immediately into spoken self-forgiveness and/or writing. I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing unquestioned self-beliefs to direct me in ways that sabotage my responsibilities and capacity to take on additional responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shy away from taking on additional responsibilities because I believed I couldn't handle them or would fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "I can't handle more responsibilities," and/or "I may fail," not realizing the fears and justifications behind these thoughts that perpetuate self-limitation and prevent self-expansion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not, in detail, go through all of the justifications, beliefs, and the fears behind them, that have kept me from exploring and expanding my capacity to handle more responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility because I wanted the "freedom" of having little or no responsibility, not realizing the equation of responsibility = power = freedom. I realize that I've been deluding myself to believe that RESPONSIBILITY is a 'bad' thing...and now that I see the vast implications of this poorly defined word. I commit myself to continue with the redefinition of the word responsibility in my next post.

I commit myself to structuring my responsibilities in such a way that I can effectively accomplish more and more. I realize that doing this requires lifestyle changes. I commit myself to begin letting go of that which does not serve what is best for me, and so all.

To be continued...


photo source: flickr

Day 387 - I am, I stand, I create

In the last post, I began to just dive into this specific point of waiting for external environment to guide, shape and influence my walk of life, my decisions. Of course, this is natural to a degree, but my experience of myself is that I'm constantly just going with the flow, being swayed to and fro. I'm much less taking the initiative to create my life, to create opportunities and situations with Self as the Authority. As I walk this my process through the mind, utilizing the Desteni tools, I am garnering self-trust that I can and will create situations that are best for all. This is the unwavering principle that I commit myself to learn, practice, and live as my updated self-expression. The old programs in my mind, the structure of my thinking, are self-interest based and outdated.

 Here, I'm going to continue with the self-correction statements from the last post, but before I do, I'm going to specify, "I forgive myself for just going with the flow." Thanks for the feedback Adrian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the flow, wherein I limit my self-expressive capacity through only moving myself within reaction to external stimuli. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give to myself the responsibility to consider all relevant points, and from within that, take initiative and direct myself to create my myself and my external to become the highest potential. I no longer accept and allow myself to passively wait for life to hand me lemons. I commit myself to  go buy lemons and plant a lemon tree, considering what is best for all, here, now and in the future. This is an example of how I am starting taking the initiative in my life, an example of Creation, with and as, Self and All.

When and as I see myself in a state of uncertainty where I am waiting for my external world to tell me how to be, how to act, what to say, I stop I breathe. I realize that I, alone, and responsible for what I think, say and do. I commit myself to direct and create my life despite how uncomfortable it may seem at first.

When and as I see myself going with the flow of life because I see this as a form of stability, safety, freedom from judgement as I am not responsible for the direction my life takes, I stop I breathe. I realize that this belief about 'going with the flow' as a form of stable and safe living is only valid from the perspective of my ego that prefers to be infallible, and so making decisions becomes a risk where others can potentially judge me. I commit myself to continue expounding upon this specific point of fearing judgement from others as a catalyst for indecision. And I commit myself stop the pattern by recognizing when I'm awaiting external stimulus to react/respond to, take a breath, consider how I can create/initiate a best for all outcome and put it into action. Self-movement.

I commit myself to stop creating myself to be a victim of my environment, swaying through the tides of life instead of standing a pillar, standing on principle.

When and as I see myself desiring the easy way, to have the responsibility of guidance in my life to be given to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that by taking responsibility to direct my life, I am giving myself the greatest gift I could give myself: participating by co-creating life on planet earth.  I commit myself to giving myself this gift and working through any limitations that bar me from receiving this gift.

I commit myself to pushing through all limitations and self-sabotage points that keep me from realizing my utmost potential and contributing the the betterment of humanity on a global scale.

When and as I see myself in a state of complacency, assuming that my life direction is superb and that I will be remembered as a great man, I stop I breathe. I realize that it actually requires hard work and dedication to create value in this world. I realize that I can not passively glide through life AND leave a legacy behind that I can be proud of, so I commit myself sit and wait no longer. Every day, every hour, every breath, I have a decision to make: Will I be honest with myself and move to create value in alignment with what is best for all, or will I spend another moment deluding myself in a temporary realty wherein I only see a much smaller picture of myself, my potential and the world around me.

When and as I see myself in a state of fear of failure and/or rejection, I stop I breathe. I realize that this fear limits me from taking the initiative to express myself and create outcomes that are best for all. I realize that fearing rejection/failure is self-interest, protecting myself as ego. I commit myself to push through this fear over and over and over, until the prospect of failure and rejection does not unnecessarily weigh me down and become my directive principle. I commit myself to let myself risk failure/rejection in moments where I see that I can insert myself within a starting point direction of creating what is best for all.

When and as I see myself reacting to my environment with a perceived certainty and control within my reactions, I stop I breathe. I realize my reactions for what they are: reactions. I commit myself to stop justifying my reactions, however valid they may seem in a moment. I realize that by breathing in, I can take into consideration the relevant facts of any situation and who I am within it; and as I breathe out, I move myself to initiate and create the best possible outcome for all life.




Day 386 - Who's Creating My Life?



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my life to be directed and determined by external events.

This is the key understanding of this post. I will continue to specify the what, why and how through self-forgiveness statements. If you are able, I invite you to join with me in speaking these statements aloud:


I forgive myself that I have relinquished the responsibility to direct my life because it is easier to just go with the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that going with the flow is the best way to live my life, not realizing the perpetual victimhood this creates for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an easy life with minimal responsibilities and obligations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I want to create a life that is highly rewarding, and leave a legacy behind that will best benefit this world, I must create it to be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am destined to do great things. In this belief, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special and able to achieve this greatness and recognition merely because I am special, that my perception and point of view is superior.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize and OWN my personal responsibility to willfully direct my life.

I forgive myself for just going with the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to the circumstance within which I had fallen into with little or no effort. Specific example: I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to try harder in school, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leverage my intelligence to simply get by with passing grades without really applying myself to discover my highest potential.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really push myself to discover my true potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be passive and to wait for external events to react to in a calculated way ensuring that I could achieve my self-interested goals. Specific example: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for another to initiate relationship advances so that I could protect myself from fear of rejection. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a strong negative emotion to failure and rejection, create a fear of failure/rejection, and fear that fear so extensively that I severely limited my expression and potential when interacting socially with peers.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how extensively I've limited my self-expression through allowing my own internal fears guide me on the 'safe track' in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define failure/rejection as unsafe.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace failure, rejection and weakness within myself, such that I could then grow, improve and strengthen myself in the bigger picture of my life...instead of concerning myself so very much with the small/immediate picture of myself / my life that I couldn't see how narrow my life path is.

This is an important point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that a life lead by reactions to immediate circumstances, wherein I am accepting and allowing myself to define myself by each consequence (i.e. failure), is not a life at all. Living in such a way is like living as a program that doesn't comprehend the highest potential as a possibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into thinking that I am creating my life lead by reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am not my reactions; to realize that these reactions are mental programs that drastically limit who I become in this life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for directing my life within a stable consideration of all things relevant.

I forgive myself that I have not yet fully accepted and allowed myself to stop the reactive, self-interested programming, BREATHE, and create my life path through a self-honest consideration of what decisions and actions will contribute to creating what is best for all life and ultimately allow humanity to reach our highest potential.

Self-corrective application commitment will be placed in the next post.


Day 385 - Weak or Strong: Stopping Polarized Reactions

wikipedia

Writing out current relationship:

  • To be seen as weak is like admitting failure. The most significant source of emotion comes from looking at myself through how others will see/judge me. Of course, this is not real, because it’s an internal, mental process of my own.
  • Behind this is a fear that my projected, possible self-judgments will manifest in my world through other’s expressions. To protect myself from this fear, I utilize denial, blame, diverting attention, and physically avoiding the situation.
  • I want to be in a position of strength. Why? This is safe from the fear of others negatively judging me as weak. This is also a power, an ability to accomplish my goals.
  • Any signs of weakness reveal that I am not strong. Weakness becomes a hot button, setting myself into reaction.

Observation of above points:

            This is an EGO point. My ego is put into motion within fear energy and competition, being better than others. There is a desire to be more than others, and the fear of being less than others is even stronger. Why? The self-defining nature of weakness is perceived to penetrate through time, affecting who I believe myself to be, which means it will affect how I act “for the rest of my life,” which is in conflict with my vision for myself, my Religion of Self.

Goal:

            Letting go of this reactive programming that’s been limiting my expansion of myself from weak to strong in a specific dimension of self. To stop hiding my weaknesses from myself in various ways (i.e. blame, excuses, justifications, denial, distraction), so that I may accept myself as weak, and allow myself the opportunity to then strengthen myself within this dimension that I am self-honestly weak in.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being perceived as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with defending myself as ego when another points out that I am weak in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny within myself when I see that I am weak in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be strong without considering the process of moving from weakness into strength.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize the moments where I become aware of a weakness when another points it out to me, to commence a self-honest investigation of this weakness and how I can turn it into a strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through the perceptions of others of me, so that when another sees me as weak, I must defend myself and deny this perception to maintain my positive definition/perception of myself.

Corrective Application Statements:

When and as I am being referred to as being weak in some way or another, I stop I breathe. I realize there is a potential gift here, wherein I can realize an area of myself that I can improve. I commit myself to stop reacting to implied weakness within who I am or who I believe myself to be. Within this commitment, I also commit to apply self-forgiveness when I miss a breath and go into an unsupportive reaction when someone perceives weakness within me in one way or another.

When and as I see myself defending my self-concept / ego, I stop I breathe. I realize that by internalizing the perceived weakness in self through taking it personally, I am sabotaging an opportunity for self-growth. I commit myself to stop the systemized perceiving of weakness within self that calls for a defensive reaction.

I see, realize and understand that this defensive reaction is a function of mind, as well as: me. I commit myself to taking full responsibility for my reaction to defend my ego. Despite how it feels automated, I commit myself to fully let go of the relationship to my own mind where I am a victim of it. This is separation. The integrated honesty here is that I allow my mind’s reactions because there was a time in my past where I automated this specific reaction because it served my self-interest. I no longer need this program to protect the idea of myself because I now realize that who I really am is not the ego/self-image. I am life, manifested. I am my physical body.

And so, I commit myself to utilizing my physical body to serve as an indicator for when I am in reaction within my own perception of an attack on my self-image, as strength. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am ‘strength’ and that I must preserve this self-definition by denying and not accepting the notion that I am weak in one way or another.

When and as I see my body become elevated in discussion, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have initiated a mental program, I am reacting with a particular energy/emotion, and that I did not choose to behave this way in a single moment of self-awareness within and as the breath of myself as my body. I commit myself to, within a breath, assess who I have become, align the correction and live it as I exhale.


And this is how I transmute weakness into strength.

Day 384 - Mini-Day Scheduling: Resistance Dimension



In my last two posts, Day 383 - Directing Uncertainty & Day 382 - Uncertainty Flavored Resistance, I began to examine my relationship with uncertainty. Although it was more in relation to being halted by a fear of failure in some way, I realized that there is more that must be looked at within it.

Lately, I've been taking a more specific look at how to most efficiently structure my daily responsibilities. There is a methodology that I came across when I was only in the 6th grade that was referred to as the Mini-Day Schedule*. I'm taking a second crack at it now! I found it to be a little over my head when I was younger. So far, I'm finding that again, I'm facing similar resistances to putting this concept to work in my life. What's different this time is having many more explicitly known responsibilities. I can't afford to allow the uncertainty of how this new schedule functions to get in my way from practically applying this supposedly invaluable tool. Here's another dimension of how I've accepted and allowed uncertainty to sway me: procrastination. This is one of the very points that establishing this new Mini-Day schedule will support me to stop. This self-sabotaging game is done here.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I've been sabotaging myself through giving into the resistance and delaying my active effort to create an efficient schedule of my daily living participation.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and delay implementing new/foreign techniques that I do not have a mental certainty of the successful use and outcome thereof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be defined by my mistakes when trying something new.

I commit myself to now face this point and walk each step of creating a mini-day schedule for myself, so that I may establish a foundation from which I can make improvements until I am consistently effective in applying this tool of structuring my responsibilities.

Now, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist holding myself accountable for my use of time. I realize that to record all the physical movements throughout my day to day living requires self-honesty and the grace of accepting that I'm not as perfect as I think I am. (weakness & strength polarity) I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the self-honest truth of what I actually do with my time.

When and as I see that I am trying to protect and defend myself from the honest truth of how I currently spend my time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it's not something to take personally. Taking it personally is why we get stuck in reactive mode. I realize that many of my decisions are made by the programs in my mind that I've established over time through intricate and specific fears and desires. Within this, I realize that the key is to identify each Decision Maker Program that does not contribute to my ultimate interest, that which is best for all, and shut it down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing parts of myself when I am faced with the moment of making a decision either as a self-interested program or as a self-honest awareness of all relevant factors. Too often short term interests seem to be too appealing to deny. I do not want to deny myself something apparently 'great'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about the bigger picture for a moment of weakness where I allow a mental program to make a decision for me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the moment of self-dishonesty where I allow myself to delude myself for long enough to allow the program to choose for me.

I commit myself to self-honestly look at my day, record my actions, and begin this process of grouping my actions into fluid physical movements, allowing me to move swiftly through my daily responsibilities.


Thanks reader.
Leave a comment to share any perspectives or questions you may have.


*Credit for the Mini-Day Schedule concept goes to the writings of Mark Hamilton. For a brief overview, you can check out this blog post by D. Trauterman. Credit for the Self-Forgiveness process obviously goes to Desteni and the Desteni I Process.

Disclaimer: No tool can help you unless you are willing to use it properly.

Day 383 - Directing Uncertainty



In my last post, I started investigating my relationship with Uncertainty. Now, it's time to write out the process of changing it, and we'll see if anything new opens up along the way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as my nature in moments of uncertainty, and so allow myself to freeze up, become indecisive, and not take responsibility for directing myself in the situation that gave rise to the uncertainty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear uncertainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through desiring certainty, confidence, assuredness, safety, not realizing that within this desire, my starting point was a fear-based energy which is not who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the fear-themed thought, not realizing the separation of self within and through the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into a future projection and become attached to a desirable outcome, such that when I cannot be certain that the projection will manifest, I create a fear reaction that the projection will not manifest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that living according to future projections is a breeding ground for fear. I commit myself to start shifting into moment to moment, commonsense consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the future projections, wherein the uncertainty of it ever actually happening is a threat to myself as an ego. If failure happens, then I am defined by that failure, and I forgive myself for allowing myself to invest myself into this belief system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself be failures and success, instead of realizing that who I am within failure and success, how I respond to failure and success, is who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create 'what if' thoughts to justify a limited existence of myself, such as justifying myself as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "play it safe" when faced with uncertainty, by pursuing only what has a higher degree of certainty. I realize here how I've been taking more risks in other areas of my life to balance out this personality design. Example: Physical adventuring out into the unknown, balances psychological freezing up in the moment of making the first kiss happen. In this I am seeing that my fear of judgement from others weighs heavier in contributing to moments of uncertainty than does matters related to fearing for my physical well-being. This tells me that I still have a strong connection to the self-definition that I've built through the years in relation to other people in my world. This has to stop. I understand that my ego is not who I am, and yet I still fight to keep my ego alive...funny wording. As if the ego is actually alive!..hmmm. I haven't considered that I'm looking at my ego as a separate, living entity. It's an intricate system, yet it produces feelings and fears that feel real in the moments when they arise..

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my ego is an intricate system that obeys rules that I have set, based on all my past experiences. I have been seeing myself as the ego as living and as superior to myself. I built it. I created it. I want it to last...I AM THE ONE that is making my ego seem alive. I'm giving my life over to it. Wow, it's like the most fascinatingly integrated program ever, but I see it now. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see how I am substantiating my ego with myself through all my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the mind and direct my life from within my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a belief that it is difficult or "impossible" to stop the mind, my trusted program that protects me from exposing myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist exposing myself to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect and defend the idea of myself, where if there was a potential for others to see me negatively, I would resist interacting with them to keep my ego/self-image safe from discord. In this play out, I realize that the whole while I have been creating the discord I was trying to avoid, and 'what you resist, persists', so on goes my relationship with the programmed consciousness.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to bring myself into the awareness of what I've been doing to myself to the degree necessary to realize I must stop and change myself in relation to my participation within the mind, fear of judgement.

So the main point that presented itself today was that my specific system within uncertainty is related to fearing judgment of others onto self that would contradict my idealized self-image that exists in my head only, and has been created through future projections and past experiences of ego-validating moments with others. I realize that I this fear of judgement is substantiated in part by my own self-judgements, judgments toward others, and desires to be more than I am. To come: working on expanding my understanding of how and why I created these desire to be more than I am, to be better than others...yes. That's one of my original points walking into Desteni. I was a spiritual researcher, wanting to become enlightened and better than others to teach them all what's up. My ego drive went unfettered by me. This ends here.



Day 382 - Uncertainty Flavored Resistance



Yesterday, toward the end of my post here, I opened up an important point. I have known for some time that there is something significant about my relationship to uncertainty, but I'm now moving myself to push through the uncertainty around my relationship to uncertainty.

Let's start with what I do know:

  • When faced with uncertainty, a resistance comes up at least partially because the emotion of possibility of failing is accentuated because I am unable to predict a likely outcome.
    • Within this point, I am erroneously defining certainty as that which my mind determines to be probably (with confidence) true.
  • The uncertainty of succeeding produces an inner experience of being immobilized.
    • Why? Because I define myself by my successes and failures (ego/mind level)
  • Taking into consideration that my mind can't predict the outcome, I realize that facing uncertainty is inherent within personal growth; implying that solely acting within the parameters of what we know prevents us from discovering anything new about ourselves.
    • Why? Because our mind's predictions are based on past experiences....which means that the comfort of certainty promotes only the repetition of our past, limiting our perception of reality, and thus our initiative participation within reality.

Well that opened up nicely. I am even beginning to see how this design functions in a social platform and global platform. Today, I'm writing about just my personal level interaction with uncertainty. This is the first time I've used the phase initiative participation, and it works well to capture a key aspect in my experience of how uncertainty affects my decision making process. To take the initiative in any situation, there must be a clarity, a certainty, especially in relation to the end-goal. Key.

There is a bit of a Catch-22 going on here, but it's not an impossible one. One can be clear and certain of what one aims to achieve, without being clear or certain of the exact process required to achieve one's aim. There could be many ways, but none of those ways will be discovered if one passively waits for the clarity to arrive. There is an active search for the solutions that is needed, which is derived from the clarity of one's motivation. Having a clear 'why' creates the certainty needed to create the resolve to push through all resistance arising from uncertainty. Understanding our motivation is a Key to overcoming uncertainty.

But there's more than just understanding required. There is a relationship between Self and Self's Motivation that needs to be looked at. Then being able to push through uncertainty resistance is also an equation of drive. What drives us? Survival, Success, Pleasure, Pain, Fear. We have to become intimate with our driving forces. Okay, I'm going in a circle here. 'Understanding our motivations' is essentially the same as 'becoming intimate with our driving forces', so this is the point I needed to find. It's our relationship with our 'WHY' that allows us to grow.

Why buy what I'm saying? It's math. There is a certainty that arises from walking the processes. We take the initiative, we figure it out, we press forward. With uncertainty, it's just an emotional excuse we use to keep ourselves from exposing ourselves to potentially ego-shattering information. And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself to be my ego; and so, protect, defend and preserve this limited self-definition that is my ego. I commit myself 100% to ending all excuse-generating uncertainty, regardless of how the energetic resistance makes me feel. I stop. I breathe. I initiate my participation. Why?

Because I know my 'why'. I have the best interest of all in consideration, and I'm not going to continue to accept and allow an inner, reactive experience, intertwined with a limited, egotistical self-definition, stop me from investigating and navigating the uncertainty required to get to my certain goal.

What's your goal?
How clear is it?
Why are you passionate about this end?
Where is uncertainty holding you back?
Have you taken the initiative to determine the nature of your uncertainties?

I'll continue tomorrow with expounded self-forgiveness and corrective application statements before I open up 'uncertainty' even further. I hope you enjoyed the bacon.