Falling into such a familiar pattern of justified inaction..it's slightly insane. But what I'm starting to realize is that REAL self change, takes time and dedicated practice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify doing nothing, despite knowing that's exactly how nothing gets done.
Sometimes it's: Not feeling confident enough to post -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not writing because I am afraid that my expression isn't to par, participating in the vein of thoughts, labeled: "You are your own worst critic" - to diminish my confidence by comparison, both internally as a measure of where I think I should be or by hypothetical judgments from my readers... across the world... throughout time..
LOTS of space for my mind to play with me, when I'm not taking directive responsibility here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my writing about my audience, when this journey is firstly: self for self - me coming to terms with who I am, so that I can proactively reshape my destiny for the betterment of Self, and All.
Getting back to Self for Self -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quantumly prioritize the possible opinions of others, such that my subconscious chatter is getting in the way of my clarity and subsequent action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I'm here, leaving a physical impression everyday, and that I have a responsibility to direct and initiate my life to create physical outcomes that I can truly be proud of at the end of time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that obscure my starting point, and then remain distracted instead of driving myself toward inner clarity.
I commit myself to grounding myself in the physical, writing, clarifying my starting point and the physical action plan required to see something through - and to recognize when I get off track, so that I may create a a new plan that sets me back on course.
Then there's Misplaced Authority -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Authority, and create a void within me that needs to be fulfilled by an outside force of validation before I will take action.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, recognize and implement Self-Authority, wherein I substantiate myself, build the self-trust by seeing who I am in the physical reality, acknowledge my lack, and fill that void myself - getting specific about resolving the uncertainties that would otherwise undermine my inner authority as the power to make clear decisions and direct myself accordingly.
I forgive myself for living and leading my life according to how I could elicit desirable reactions in others, and in that process, severely diminish my ability to make decisions for myself that comes from knowing myself and my context more clearly.
I commit myself to breathing and aligning information within myself in clarity, so as to eliminate any excuses for NOT seeing the common sense of a situation.
I commit myself to returning to the innocence of a child-like expression when I sit to do self-discovery work in these posts or when I work on career challenges, to incrementally develop my self-authority.
--
During this blogging challenge to myself this month, I've noticed another interesting dynamic holding this self-sabotage pattern in place:
There's is oscillating polarity going on where I am writing for others, or I am accountable to no one and so do not need to write. Here, I'm completely missing the point of remembering "WHY am I writing?" I am writing for me, first and foremost. Publishing and having readers MUST be secondary and not interfere with this authentic self-discovery and self-perfection process.
When and as I see myself justifying, excusing, or limiting my self-expression through writing blogs, I commit myself to getting clear, and remembering why I started this journey.
I commit myself to recognizing all of my fears of judgement that I have in relation to others, are in fact judgements that I have of myself, and I'm only projecting them on the world.
When and as I see myself in fear of how others might judge me, I commit myself to owning my self-judgements, forgiving them, and returning to clarity I need to proceed in facing any point.
...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit on this post because I judge it & myself as disorganized, scattered and lacking depth.
I commit myself to expanding on the points above, as the devil is in the details.
In order to hurdle these self-destructive points, I need to get clear, know myself inside and out, so I may sooner catch myself when I fall.
More to come. Thanks for your patience and support.
Showing posts with label social acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social acceptance. Show all posts
Day 446 - Meeting People Online
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear that others will not like me and then harshly criticize me, which would further ruin my reputation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea of 'my reputation' and separate myself from it, so that I exist in constant paranoia around managing 'my rep', instead of living and expressing me genuinely, and having my reputation simply follow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to micromanage my expression, in any and all of my interactions with others, out of the fear of non-acceptance.
I commit myself to embrace self-acceptance, and journey on in my writing-expression, unencumbered by paranoid fears of potential judgments.
I commit myself to focus on my immediate, direct participation with the words I express, flowing with what comes up, so that I may channel my inner to my outer, and really begin to sort my existence out.
I commit myself to fear no troll.
--
There's a lot of parallels between meeting people IRL and meeting people online:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea of 'my reputation' and separate myself from it, so that I exist in constant paranoia around managing 'my rep', instead of living and expressing me genuinely, and having my reputation simply follow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to micromanage my expression, in any and all of my interactions with others, out of the fear of non-acceptance.
I commit myself to embrace self-acceptance, and journey on in my writing-expression, unencumbered by paranoid fears of potential judgments.
I commit myself to focus on my immediate, direct participation with the words I express, flowing with what comes up, so that I may channel my inner to my outer, and really begin to sort my existence out.
I commit myself to fear no troll.
--
There's a lot of parallels between meeting people IRL and meeting people online:
- Venue/Forum/Topic
- Participation
- One-on-One Interactions
- ...and surely more!
One of the first online communities I joined was about hypnotism. I found an interesting group of people supporting one another to reprogram themselves with hypnotic induction. I was curious, and when the new Forum went live on their site, I decided to participate. And with having an active role, I became a community leader. I eventually lost interest in this topic, but I learned a lot about being in an online, social environment during that first go-around.
From there, I realized that there is probably any kind of group online that one may want to find, so it becomes a question of: which topic(s) am I so interested in, that I would be willing essentially move to a new town (metaphorically) and commit my time and attention to actively participating in a new community?
To be a participant in an active community, seem like a daunting thing, and a mundane thing. Daunting if you're moving to a new country! Mundane, from the perspective that we've always been an active member in our own, personal communities. The internet has really given us access to stretching and expanding our "community." The capacity to broadcast my expression, subjecting myself to ALL, a.k.a. the biggest community, is not within my comfort zone.
My comfort zone / programming, is being able to manipulate one or several people into buying into my bullshit, so I see like the most right person. No, no. I need to stand by something more stable than your run-of-the-mill ego design.
Principle
I commit myself to standing by principle, unwavering, so that I may be vulnerable and strong at the same time: while sharing myself online.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to really meet me, and so have created difficulty with meeting and bonding with others, online or IRL.
I commit myself to continuing with my writing journey, so that I may see myself, as the words I'm willing to stand by and publish to the Interwebz.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cower, lurk, hide, believing that as long as I keep my head down, no one will see me, and so they won't judge me...all the while, not realizing that it was never about anyone else, anyway.
I commit myself to vulnerably participating in all information and groups that I take interest in, and not just lurking and reading. After all, "knowledge without application, is useless."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hoard information out of fear of survival, like, "I will need this info possibly in the future to have leverage over another."
I commit myself to integrating the common sense principles of life, equality and oneness - into my living practice as a human, so that I may be of sound support to others who too have had enough of this awkward self-created chaos we find ourselves in.
--
When we stand by principle, we can have really golden friendships.
The consistency is alluring to the masses who lose sight of themselves daily.
--
So, for this post, just a few layers of fears that I faced while approaching online/off-line community participation. Being a +1 in any group of other +1's is very rewarding! Self as a team is much more powerful than Self alone!
So whaddaya say Gang!?
Hiphip...
Day 432 - Strengthening Weakness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak, and so try to hide the weakness that I see in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak, and get caught up in the energetic experience of guilt and shame, and try to suppress it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if I am seen as weak by others, then I must be weak, and so take take extra precaution to not let others see my weakness.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace the exposure of my weaknesses with humility, strength, courage and resolve to take on the challenge of strengthening each specific weakness I identify within me.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the strength and courage it takes to be honest with myself about my weaknesses.
--
When and as I see myself hiding from my weakness, or trying to hide my weakness from others, I stop, I breathe. I realize that suppressing awareness of weaknesses in such a way, is a grave weakness in character. I commit myself humble myself and own my weaknesses. I commit myself to transforming weaknesses into strengths, through careful self investigation.
When and as I see myself fearing judgment from others because I don't want to be identified in any particularly negative manner, I stop, I breathe. I realize that such a fear would not exist in me if the self-judgment was not already present within me. I commit myself to face my inadequacies, own them, and direct myself into acceptance or a self-correction process.
When and as I see myself feeling shameful about a character flaw or weakness in me, I stop, I breathe. I recognize this flag-point with gratitude, for shame is the secret to self-realization. I commit myself to embrace shame, and utilize it to walk substantial self change.
I commit myself to embrace weakness, vulnerability and strength.
I commit myself to develop my living potential, in facing all that I have become.
I commit myself to be stronger everyday.
Day 417 - Damn Daniel! Back at it again...
...with the Journey to Life blogging!
In the summer of 2013, I had the great fortune of traveling to South Africa to live on the Desteni farm for a couple of months. During that time, I felt like I no longer needed to remain consistent with my daily blog because I had proven myself (to others) and made it there (feeling accepted), which reveals that my starting point in blogging wasn't fully for me. So, I let it slide and focused myself on interacting within the physically immediate relationships, despite Bernard emphasizing to me how important it is that I keep consistent with the writing, as a primary point of visibility in my process.
In retrospect, it was kind of like my social programming that I lived out in college, prioritizing the social scene over homework. I liked being judged by my immediate character rather than the permanent, anyone-can-see writings posted online. Managing the (projected) social judgments of a few personalities was kind of my forte, a skill I'd been developing since the sixth grade, when I moved from NY to CA and had the opportunity to recreate my self-perception without the baggage of my past social faux pas.
The consequences of orienting to a socially constructed self-perception, have become more and more...consequential. Building this inauthentic self-confidence, doomed to crack and crumble, was an uphill battle. Yeah, maybe I learned a few useful coping skills, like how to be "cool" in a small/dynamic social scene, but the real shit going on under the surface: low self worth, low self-esteem, fears of rejection and not being accepted by others - never went away. In fact, it only got worse, taking on new forms and intensities.
For example, my blogging tapered off because I couldn't so easily manage the perceptions of others. Posting publicly like this ultimately demands authenticity, which is totally cool because I still hardly know the authentic me! Another example: My agreement relationship demands that I reorient to my authentic self, because the facade-self only holds up for so long before breaking down.
Thus,
the Desteni "I" Process.
Which includes actively applying the tools of self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness, breathing and real-time self correction.
So, here I am, restating my starting point: I'm not interested in applying my efforts to maintain a crumbling self-conception, especially not when I'm surrounded by all the right information and support (thanks everyone). It's time to finally let it go and start getting to know who the real "I" is.
I don't have the white Vans, and I don't care. I commit myself to letting go of the importance of how others may or may not perceive me. I am cool in my own right, and I'm going to prove that to myself by giving myself the chance to really get to know me. Much to uncover in future postings.
In the summer of 2013, I had the great fortune of traveling to South Africa to live on the Desteni farm for a couple of months. During that time, I felt like I no longer needed to remain consistent with my daily blog because I had proven myself (to others) and made it there (feeling accepted), which reveals that my starting point in blogging wasn't fully for me. So, I let it slide and focused myself on interacting within the physically immediate relationships, despite Bernard emphasizing to me how important it is that I keep consistent with the writing, as a primary point of visibility in my process.
In retrospect, it was kind of like my social programming that I lived out in college, prioritizing the social scene over homework. I liked being judged by my immediate character rather than the permanent, anyone-can-see writings posted online. Managing the (projected) social judgments of a few personalities was kind of my forte, a skill I'd been developing since the sixth grade, when I moved from NY to CA and had the opportunity to recreate my self-perception without the baggage of my past social faux pas.
The consequences of orienting to a socially constructed self-perception, have become more and more...consequential. Building this inauthentic self-confidence, doomed to crack and crumble, was an uphill battle. Yeah, maybe I learned a few useful coping skills, like how to be "cool" in a small/dynamic social scene, but the real shit going on under the surface: low self worth, low self-esteem, fears of rejection and not being accepted by others - never went away. In fact, it only got worse, taking on new forms and intensities.
For example, my blogging tapered off because I couldn't so easily manage the perceptions of others. Posting publicly like this ultimately demands authenticity, which is totally cool because I still hardly know the authentic me! Another example: My agreement relationship demands that I reorient to my authentic self, because the facade-self only holds up for so long before breaking down.
Thus,
the Desteni "I" Process.
Which includes actively applying the tools of self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness, breathing and real-time self correction.
So, here I am, restating my starting point: I'm not interested in applying my efforts to maintain a crumbling self-conception, especially not when I'm surrounded by all the right information and support (thanks everyone). It's time to finally let it go and start getting to know who the real "I" is.
I don't have the white Vans, and I don't care. I commit myself to letting go of the importance of how others may or may not perceive me. I am cool in my own right, and I'm going to prove that to myself by giving myself the chance to really get to know me. Much to uncover in future postings.
 |
| Desteni.org | DesteniIprocess.com | EQAFE.com | wiki.destonians.com |
Day 407 - Writing Confidence
It's coming to a boiling point. This is my 4th "Day 407" draft, and I'm ready to move past this writing hangup that's now gone on too long. In this post, I will begin to open up what's been holding me back, so I can finally face it and recreate my expression here forward.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and empower the belief that I must write to a certain standard for my readers, and within that, compare myself to others in terms of having proper, grammatically correct, and/or just plain "better" writings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the value of my writing with a polarized energy of superior/inferior, and that if I deem it to be less than excellent by my own standards and judgment, I will abandon the writing, and never share it with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust inside of myself when I judge my writing/expression to be less than acceptable or straight up "bad."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my writing on the good/bad polarity construct, not realizing how I'm going into the mind-energy creation and experience; I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can stop it, forgive it, and direct myself despite it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and go into a positive energy experience when I judge my writing as 'good' or well above average.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of sharing my writings publicly.*
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in the narrow perspective of my ego, either relishing in the positive-reinforcement thereof, or fighting to protect it from any negative associations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my writings are not or will not be good enough to publish for public reading.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand on the excuse of not wanting to write blog posts because I fear that I will compromise my standing in the world system when those in my personal-physical networks read these posts and formulate opinions and judgments about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power of self-acceptance by anticipating and fearing that others will not accept me, and thus I cannot accept myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect self-acceptance to the reflection of other's accepting me, not seeing, realizing and understanding how my own self-honesty within my relationship to myself is the ONE and ONLY place from which I can develop and live Self-Acceptance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, become frustrated with myself, and hold myself in this self-sabotage pattern of fearing that my writing will not be good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the cyclical trap of fearing and feeling that I'm not good enough, and in turn manifesting the physical living of not being good enough. I commit myself to END the construct of not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've accepted and allowed myself to fall into this negative feedback and downward spiral of a fall that is this writing confidence point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not posting publicly by writing privately.
*
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see clearly the purpose of posting publicly:
- To share my process
- To cross reference my process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others cross referencing my process because I know that I'm not living self-honestly in every moment, and thus still am not walking my process to my utmost ability.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposure and transparency because I know my ego cannot exist the way it has been with fully integrated honesty and integrity from all perspectives.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not staying on topic, and within this, for creating a resistance toward blogging because I tend to open up points in a way that don't stay within the self-imposed boundaries of the blog title.
Ok.
I commit myself to write in this blog at least every other day.
(Wow. I have a lot of reactions going on inside of me with that one commitment statement. I'll open that up in the next post.)
When and as I see myself going into a self-judgment while composing a blog / walking my writing process, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I cannot compare myself to anything, in this self-honest process of perfecting myself. I commit myself to transmuting perfection-comparison energy into a physical resolve and motivation to walk the self purification/perfection process.
I commit myself to moving within a self-acceptance and knowingness that I am not perfect, that it's ok if other's laugh at me or talk bad about me with their peers. (ridicule point)
(Overwhelmingness feeling: too much information in my blog to keep it all nice and neat, connecting all the points to each other - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the information as I look at it in my mind, forgetting that all I must simply do is Breathe and move within each and every breath - point by point, from beginning to end)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the value of my writing with a polarized energy of superior/inferior, and that if I deem it to be less than excellent by my own standards and judgment, I will abandon the writing, and never share it with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust inside of myself when I judge my writing/expression to be less than acceptable or straight up "bad."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my writing on the good/bad polarity construct, not realizing how I'm going into the mind-energy creation and experience; I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can stop it, forgive it, and direct myself despite it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and go into a positive energy experience when I judge my writing as 'good' or well above average.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of sharing my writings publicly.*
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in the narrow perspective of my ego, either relishing in the positive-reinforcement thereof, or fighting to protect it from any negative associations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my writings are not or will not be good enough to publish for public reading.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand on the excuse of not wanting to write blog posts because I fear that I will compromise my standing in the world system when those in my personal-physical networks read these posts and formulate opinions and judgments about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power of self-acceptance by anticipating and fearing that others will not accept me, and thus I cannot accept myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect self-acceptance to the reflection of other's accepting me, not seeing, realizing and understanding how my own self-honesty within my relationship to myself is the ONE and ONLY place from which I can develop and live Self-Acceptance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, become frustrated with myself, and hold myself in this self-sabotage pattern of fearing that my writing will not be good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the cyclical trap of fearing and feeling that I'm not good enough, and in turn manifesting the physical living of not being good enough. I commit myself to END the construct of not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've accepted and allowed myself to fall into this negative feedback and downward spiral of a fall that is this writing confidence point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not posting publicly by writing privately.
*
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see clearly the purpose of posting publicly:
- To share my process
- To cross reference my process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others cross referencing my process because I know that I'm not living self-honestly in every moment, and thus still am not walking my process to my utmost ability.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposure and transparency because I know my ego cannot exist the way it has been with fully integrated honesty and integrity from all perspectives.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not staying on topic, and within this, for creating a resistance toward blogging because I tend to open up points in a way that don't stay within the self-imposed boundaries of the blog title.
Ok.
I commit myself to write in this blog at least every other day.
(Wow. I have a lot of reactions going on inside of me with that one commitment statement. I'll open that up in the next post.)
When and as I see myself going into a self-judgment while composing a blog / walking my writing process, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I cannot compare myself to anything, in this self-honest process of perfecting myself. I commit myself to transmuting perfection-comparison energy into a physical resolve and motivation to walk the self purification/perfection process.
I commit myself to moving within a self-acceptance and knowingness that I am not perfect, that it's ok if other's laugh at me or talk bad about me with their peers. (ridicule point)
(Overwhelmingness feeling: too much information in my blog to keep it all nice and neat, connecting all the points to each other - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the information as I look at it in my mind, forgetting that all I must simply do is Breathe and move within each and every breath - point by point, from beginning to end)
I commit myself to living within the realization that the writing and creations that I bring into the physical reality are me, and within this realization, I commit myself to create a life that I can be proud of when I'm gone.
I commit myself to end the abusive squandering of my potential.
I commit myself to find and abolish the threads of complacency in my life.
I commit myself to producing tangible support structures for myself and all those who honor life.
I commit myself to bring my excuses into awareness and process through them with self-honesty and writing.
I see now. Writing isn't for my audience. I need me to write for me. It's the only way I'm going to be able to navigate through my mind.
And I'm committed to living with integrity in the pursuit of my ultimate WHY, so I best share my journey with you. Thanks.
Day 389 - Redefining RESPONSIBILITY for Myself
Continuing from yesterday:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility because I wanted the "freedom" of having little or no responsibility, not realizing the equation of responsibility = power = freedom. I realize that I've been deluding myself to believe that RESPONSIBILITY is a 'bad' thing...and now that I see the vast implications of this poorly defined word. I commit myself to continue with the redefinition of the word responsibility in my next post.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live myself in relation to 'responsibility' without fully understanding what this word means, what I've created it to mean, how I think and feel about the word, and who I am as my expression in the context of 'responsibility.'
What I found yesterday was that my definition of responsibility is tainted with an energetic charge. With just a moment's look at this point, a hazy memory activates where I recall making the choice to desire freedom from responsibilities. As I continue to introspect here, I see how I've attached the word 'restriction' to 'responsibility' where the backchat goes like "Having responsibilities means I'm obligated to do something, and if I don't do it, then I'd get in trouble...better off just avoiding responsibility whenever I can."
Man oh man, Dan. So this is some insight into my current definition of how I live/lead my life when it comes to responsibilities. Thanks for being self-honest Dan. Now I can redefine this word, and accordingly change myself. Now with awareness, I commit myself to creating my self-expression through responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative emotional charge to the word 'obligation' through a polarity equation of the positive word 'freedom'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I've created my relationship toward 'responsibility' through a negative charge in relation to positively charged feelings within my relationship 'freedom'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must also redefine all the related words to 'responsibility', like 'freedom', 'obligation', 'power', and even 'creation'. I realize there are many words that I have accepted into myself and lived/expressed myself through them without ever questioning my relationship to these words, these foundational building blocks of my self expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'responsibility' as 'obligation' as negative and so better to be avoided.
Now, I'm seeing another dimension: Being responsible means that I am subject to judgment and criticism from others. "Best to keep my head low to avoid being blamed for doing something wrong," goes the backchat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, accept and allow the backchat: "Best to avoid the risk of being held responsible for something negative, where others can label me and define me in a negative light."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined negatively by others, through a belief that "if my social network disowns me, then I will not survive." The bottom line here is survival, though this extreme isn't in awareness when experiencing the fear of rejection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how I perceive others will judge me as a function that I have no control over. Within this pattern, I assume the worst case scenarios where I am a victim of bullying, and more specifically, social excommunication...so if I keep a low profile and assert myself only when I can be sure that I will be positively judged for my assertion, then I can dodge my fear of ridicule and rejection.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I've avoided responsibility in my life because I feared being ridiculed and rejected. This is a dimension of self-insecurity, wherein I am not standing as a pillar of stability within myself. Nope. I have been defining myself according how others see me, and so have shaped my entire social personality around being likable, and within this, I've avoided responsibility because there is more risk for failure, rejection, ridicule, and negative judgement which can lead to not being able to survive or have a great life.
So two main dimensions here:
1) Responsibility is not equal to freedom.
2) Responsibility is being subject to the judgement of others (which I have allowed me to define myself by)
For these points, I forgive myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these statements of self-disillusionment to live within me. I forgive myself that I had not given myself the time and opportunity to write out this whole system/definition of 'responsibility' in self-honesty, so I may from there walk myself through the living correction process.
I commit myself to taking responsibility for my definition of 'responsibility' so that I may live and express myself responsibly in the context of what is best for all. This is how I will actualize my utmost potential.
I've now exposed and released my old definitions embedded in the word 'responsibility'. Tomorrow, I will continue with completing the redefinition process, which is also known as: Self-creation.
Recommended additional reading on the Redefining of Word Process:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-116-re-defining-words-to-living.html
Day 318 - Am I Serious?
I just discovered an interesting design in myself that I had not really considered before. I was reading this post from A Skeptic's Journey to Life called The paranoia of "not being taken seriously", and when I started to relate to it, memories popped up of me deliberately going into an non-seriousness to avoid conflict and/or judgment.
What is it that's going on here when I feel I need to act less than seriously? There are a few things coming up, and I hesitate to slap a quick answer on this question. I will need to spend some serious time with point :)
First thing that comes up is not wanting to take responsibility for / own up to a particular perception that I have made. As if I'm trying to escape a potential embarrassing situation that I have created through thoughts in my secret mind (the stuff I don't want to share). Like for instance if I have made a negative judgement of someone, I would have departed from physical hereness to create this thought, and when I return there is a sense of needing to explain myself. Or maybe it's a shame for even having gone there. Perhaps this moment of internal discomfort is a reaction to not being able to be completely open and honest with my company. It appears there is compounding consequence for participating in the secret mind.
There is also this idea that I hold that being less serious is attractive. I am able to get more positive social reactions with a lighthearted and positive demeanor. I've always liked when people like me, so to be funny has held a value that outweighed being serious and honest with myself and others.
To be serious with myself...why does this point stand out to me? There must be a bit of sorting myself out to do before I understand what's going on here...Why am I not serious with myself? What am I afraid of? How has this relationship of seriousness with self affected how I've been living my life? interacting with others?
I stop, I breathe.
Reckless ego. Caring only about what appeals to me, not considering the totality of consequence and personal responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.
Without self-honesty, I'd still be lost in my mind creating consequence that I wouldn't even take responsibility for. I see now how I've hurt others and myself by not being serious, and just allowing my mind to keep selective focus and keep moving forward with little regard for anything outside of my narrow focus.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the total effect of my choices through and as not taking responsibility for my thoughts, words, and actions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what I do not like about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trying to hiding the personal responsibility of consequences that are not pleasant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selective with my perception and value placement. While I may have been aware of the consequences that I am responsible for, it is no longer acceptable to let particular incidents slide by because it is uncomfortable to recognize consciously.
Going deep. Stay tuned.
Day 284 - Party vs Blog
Today is the 'Cinco de mayo' excuse to party in the college scene. There are a plethora of sombreros and fake mustaches flying around the crowd. Here I am, thinking I should have........8 minutes of heavy dancing later...should have written earlier, knowing full well that I would be faced with this conflict of self-support vs socialization. It's a point of self-honest responsibility. Reminds me of my Day 54 - Other Distraction where I briefly discussed this dynamic of placing social time as a higher priority than time with and for myself.
It was effective to some degree because here I am. Thankfully, I can get away with missing the 'getting drunk' phase and join the group momentarily because I've practiced the art of sober partying since Fall of my senior year. The point of treating others in the social scene as a higher priority than myself is a huge point that is still rooted within me. On the cool side, here I am, pushing myself to be responsible to myself within process even in the moment when the music gets shut off and everyone is moving to the next party. It's intriguing how I want to be out there with everyone on my vacation, but I didn't consider this moment when I was delaying my writing earlier in the day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to blog without considering the potential of the situation I was in now. In this, I was vaguely holding the potential of just skipping my blog post today, but when the moment came, I chose to stay back and finish my responsibility. Why? I am on a streak in terms of not missing any days....that's the first reason to mind and I don't like it. I really do want to simply write as a method of effective self support, and when I am rushed like I am now, I could very easily just be pumping out the bear minimum 'to just get by.' In fact, I am doing that to some degree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in a position where I am rushed to pump out a blog post that isn't my best material, in terms of self-support. I realize that I started out very oriented to how I perceived others would judge my writing, but even as I write this sentence, I wonder how useful all of this post so far has been really supportive. Next moment, I feel that by writing/revealing that, seems very self honest and thus ultimately self-supportive as I imagine looking back to this post as I did for Day 54. It really does all build together. The important part is that I DO write. Also being mindful of who I am within my writing is essential if I am aiming to support myself in realizing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay asserting myself within myself, for myself, in finding/realizing what it requires to be balanced and effective with regards to self-support and social life. I realize that social life is equally as one important as my self-support, thus by delaying my self-supportive writing, I have compromised my social life. Through realizing this, and accepting my responsibility within it all, I sit and I write.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for making the choices that lead me to this moment by not really, and I mean really, considering how the practical consequences would likely be. It's obvious that I would find myself here, or out sober partying while worrying if I would be back before midnight with enough time to pump out a cheap blog. Within all of this, I realize that delay does not frickin serve me at all. I feel like a little baby-man, whining inside myself....only to ultimately find myself stuck with myself, alone. Very eye opening.
When and as I see myself delaying responsibility to support myself within process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am making a choice, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to that understanding of who I am within a choice of delay and what the consequences of doing so are. To hide the consequences from myself is the dishonesty, is the core problem here, is how I've been letting myself get into these situations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of inaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been hiding and/or quickly suppressing what the consequences are in the critical moment. This moment is where the only real choice exists: To be or not to be....Self-Honest....that is the question.
I commit myself to to continue this writing process to build awareness of myself within this critical, self defining moment. Thank you.
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| Halloween 2010 - picture credit |
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to blog without considering the potential of the situation I was in now. In this, I was vaguely holding the potential of just skipping my blog post today, but when the moment came, I chose to stay back and finish my responsibility. Why? I am on a streak in terms of not missing any days....that's the first reason to mind and I don't like it. I really do want to simply write as a method of effective self support, and when I am rushed like I am now, I could very easily just be pumping out the bear minimum 'to just get by.' In fact, I am doing that to some degree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in a position where I am rushed to pump out a blog post that isn't my best material, in terms of self-support. I realize that I started out very oriented to how I perceived others would judge my writing, but even as I write this sentence, I wonder how useful all of this post so far has been really supportive. Next moment, I feel that by writing/revealing that, seems very self honest and thus ultimately self-supportive as I imagine looking back to this post as I did for Day 54. It really does all build together. The important part is that I DO write. Also being mindful of who I am within my writing is essential if I am aiming to support myself in realizing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay asserting myself within myself, for myself, in finding/realizing what it requires to be balanced and effective with regards to self-support and social life. I realize that social life is equally as one important as my self-support, thus by delaying my self-supportive writing, I have compromised my social life. Through realizing this, and accepting my responsibility within it all, I sit and I write.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for making the choices that lead me to this moment by not really, and I mean really, considering how the practical consequences would likely be. It's obvious that I would find myself here, or out sober partying while worrying if I would be back before midnight with enough time to pump out a cheap blog. Within all of this, I realize that delay does not frickin serve me at all. I feel like a little baby-man, whining inside myself....only to ultimately find myself stuck with myself, alone. Very eye opening.
When and as I see myself delaying responsibility to support myself within process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am making a choice, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to that understanding of who I am within a choice of delay and what the consequences of doing so are. To hide the consequences from myself is the dishonesty, is the core problem here, is how I've been letting myself get into these situations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of inaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been hiding and/or quickly suppressing what the consequences are in the critical moment. This moment is where the only real choice exists: To be or not to be....Self-Honest....that is the question.
I commit myself to to continue this writing process to build awareness of myself within this critical, self defining moment. Thank you.
Day 282 - Self-Judgement Quicksand
While driving the 6 hour trip down to Santa Barbara, CA for a final visit before my remaining friends graduate, I listened to several EQAFE interviews. This one called Omnipresence of Self Judgement really stood out in terms of the descriptive visuals of the experience and dynamics of self-judgement.
In my own language, I conceptualize the judgements of myself feeling like quicksand. At first I wanted to say 'like cement,' but that word implies more of a hopelessness. Specifically, this comes up for me in the moment before I might assert myself socially or professionally. Instead of taking a breath and just speaking what I want to say, I find myself sinking backward into the center of the quicksand of my mind. The more I fight with myself in my mind, the fast I build up the resistance energy into a complete unlikelihood of speaking up.
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| cc |
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to freeze up in a moment of interpersonal interaction and continue within my mind domain through various negative backchat related to how or why I shouldn't assert myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate my relationship to my mind and internal reactions when I experience a fear of speaking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own inner dialogue instead of participating in reality in being here with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wander into potentialities that I create in my mind and not realize it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fail if I am to assert myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure in such a way that it feels like it would be the end of me if that failure were to happen. Within this there is a fear of embarrassment that comes from having to uphold a reputation or external definition of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take the safer route by not asserting myself at all, in this defining failure as a worse than not trying...which is a guaranteed failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my failure by inaction, so I do not have to recognize the failure consequence, and in this protect my 'shy' personality and remain within the belief that to try and fail is more scary and not worth it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that success only comes through failing, learning, and trying again. I only ever really fail when I stop trying.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try, and to justify that within fear based backchat, and to believe those justifications are valid.
When and as I see myself going into my mind when in the company of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I do not need to consult my inner self via thoughts to be able to effectively interact with my environment. I commit myself to giving myself the opportunities to try, to fail, and to learn and keep breathing.
--
I once read that the first step to getting out of quicksand is to be completely still..
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4
Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Today, I wrote an expansion on the components of resistance within my personal experience of it. The primary points I dug up are: Elusive, Justified & Uncomfortable. The order that they came up was interesting.
I find it hard to place myself within the awareness of myself when moving within an experience of resistance. As if I'm so quickly suppressing it that I can hardly even notice it. This is the first and most prominent layer.
Second layer is when I am aware of the resistance. Here, I allow myself to quickly find a way to be okay with my giving into the resistance -> desire outlet. In this, I know that I am not considering everything because I am having an internal fight with a bias for the excuse so that I so not have to face the resistance energy.
When the distraction excuses are not very good, I turn to face the point of resistance and this moment is quite uncomfortable. Here, I can see my mind race back to the 2nd layer, frantically looking for an excuse. This design is often why I find myself biting my nails or munching on candy. Perhaps the best excuse to not do work is related to social life.
This point of placing importance on the social scene deserves a lot of attention, but for right now, I'm just going to describe my related realization. Socializing is quite a positive experience for me. Fun with others is a positive experience that I prefer to doing hard work, obviously.
So, my realization of what needs to be done is to stop allowing myself to be recklessly thrown from negative experience into positive experience. How?
The first ideas to mind are:
- to firstly bring awareness to these moments
- by writing and applying realizations
- to expand my perspective of what's at stake, what the whole picture is, what are the consequences
- by slowing down & catching my breath
- to break down the relationships of +/- definitions toward
- hard work
- & the many desirable distractions
I've been doing the first point for a while now, and my awareness is slowly expanding; however, I have not been proactively living the change that needs to happen. The living application still needs work. I will best be able to apply my responsibility to myself through developing the relationship with my breathing.
The third point is a biggy! There are many +/- relationships that I've formed to numerous objects and experiences of particular situations. One bite at a time Dan.
For now, I'm going to leave this and attend a social event :)
Tomorrow I'll continue after further expansion to yield specific self-forgiveness statements and livable commitments to myself. What can I agree on with myself in relation to handling my experience of resistance?..
Day 263 - The Achievement Collector
The achievement collector is how I'm going to label this personality/drive that I've discovered. This is what it is to me:
- a way to become better & more powerful, to ultimately "save the world"/become famous
- climbing the ladder seemed like the best option for myself
- validation in and of my externalized self-definition
- do hard work now -> achievement; then take it easy and just ride the achievement
- as capital: achievement viewed as inherently valuable
- Competition, rush to gain as much achievement as I can to be safe & secure
- competing with the "general other"
OK, so with these above points, I can see how my starting point within achievement is skewed and tainted by self-interest. Achievement has nothing inherently wrong in it. I'm not trying to stop achieving things. I'm investigating my motivations to achieve, and gather accomplishments like a commodity that increases my self-worth. That's not cool. My self-worth is defined as the life that I am, not the ego/externalized self-definition/others' judgments of me. I must realign who I am within seeking achievement to fulfill my potential and not succumb to creating myself through how I believe others want me to be or expect me to be.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-worth in separation of myself, such that I would define myself according to my accomplishments that were valid in the eyes of others as if that was all that really mattered. This is the primary reason and starting point for going to college and I ended p cheating myself out of getting the most I could have, had I been there for me and not for society's sake.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue achievement in relation to others. This point of comparison as means to validate my value has been seriously detrimental to myself and others within how I would orient myself in relationships, needing to be superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'achievement' as being superior than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a value on achievement from an external perspective, where I would be able to eventually stop working when I accumulate enough achievement. This is like capitalism, work hard, have success, and retire on the work of yesterday.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to escape working hard by only working hard on things that I perceive will yield a residual benefit so I won't have to work hard. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard, and not realize that this desire plays out, and that there is no escape from my internal reality. I commit myself to seeing all of who I am within, so that I may own it, and change myself as who I really am into an expression of life, not ego/mind.
I commit myself to exposing to myself the entirety of my personality constructs that I have built to serve my ego/externalized self-definitions.
When and as I see myself working toward an achievement so that others will positively define me, I stop I breathe. I bring myself back to myself and see how I am motivated to accomplish whatever it is within the context of myself and what is best for all. If I was only motivated by how I think others will judge me, I realize this is a fear-based starting point. I commit myself to check my starting point within my motivation toward accomplishment to see if I am acting within a root of fear or have I really considered the implications/effects of a particular achievement.
When and as I see that I have not considered who I am within the starting point of obtaining achievement, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past behavior has momentum, it's my personality. I commit myself to breathe and create myself within an alignment of what is best for all when working toward achieving something.
When and as I see myself acting to become better than, more than, or superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize that achievement based in comparison and competition is not what is best for all, rather what is best for my self-image as who I am as an ego in separation of others. I commit myself to identifying where I am still attached to this idealized self-image that is my ego within my imagination based on how I think others perceive me. Through identifying my 'vices' related to desire for superiority, I commit myself to patiently walking self-forgiveness and corrective application until I no longer am drive to succeed by treading on others.
When and as I see that I have been working hard at something so that I can eventually stop working hard, I stop I breathe. I realize that this particular form of achievement desire is actually holding me back as my starting point is to 'not have to work hard.' I commit myself to hard work, for the rest of my life.
No shortcuts.
No easy living...
Not until all may live easy.
Investigate equal money system where basic human rights are guaranteed to all, and LIFE is honored.
Day 137 - Fear: Not cool enough to get the girl
Related to:
Day 136 - Self-Interested Assistance
Day 25 - The social appeaser
I have a memory of mentally constructing this perspective: I have to be cool/funny to be liked and get the girl that I like. It happened in elementary school while I observed the general social gravitation towards the "cool" kids. Why were they cool? I think it was about the easy goingness, kind of a relaxed funny. And then of course once the group of cool friends were support each others' coolness, it was done. It was valid that they were cool. The "in crowd" was like a machine that supported itself, where the 'kinda cool' kids wanted to be accepted, so they respected the cooler kids. At the top you had 2-4 kids (in the classroom) that were friends and accepted the "kinda cool kids" friendship as they supported their position at the top. It made sense that girls would also gravitate toward the coolest boys because they benefit their egos by associating with the coolest of boys and through the validation from the other girls for doing so, maybe in the form of jealousy or praise. Girls, especially the pretty ones, had social pressure/expectation from other girls to obtain relationships with the cooler boys. Of course this is just a simple one-dimensional insight that I drew when I was pretty young, and it lead to the defining decision to become as cool as I can be, so I can have a better choice/selection of women that would be interested in me.
The design: have more, cooler male friends to increase power/status for the primary purpose of attracting the more attractive women. And I suppose it makes sense also that women become as attractive as they can be to attract the most powerful/successful and good looking men. This program lasted throughout school and college, and now I'm going to pick it apart and forgive it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how I will express myself in this world based on how I can increase my cool factor - as looks/hairstyle, types of friends I associate with, ability to make others laugh and feel comfortable - where I have, through this, chosen to limit my expression to only what others will likely like, causing me to be uncomfortable within fear/doubt of nonacceptance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will not accept me, not realizing this fear if based in the polarity of my desire to be at the top of the social latter.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to be at the top of the social latter because of the insecurity I allowed myself to exist as in the form of a reoccurring thought that I will not be liked by the girls that I like.
Haha, there is a lot opening up here. This point is more heavily participated in than I initially realized. In all of my relationships to women, the focus was on getting to be with them....oh crap. I defined and lived as a character/personality that once satisfied with the energy as attention from women, the system would calm down and I would be looking onwards to the next challenge of acceptance. Almost like a fear addiction I realize that I am afraid of not being able to continually overcome that fear of rejection...
Ohhhhh K! This is a problem. I've always just seen it as simply liking the initial part of relationships, you know, with the butterflies and uncertainty. There are so many dimensions to this character that I can't keep my head from spinning right now.
Breathe.
I was listening to this series of interviews by this being, Lily, and right now, I can see that I am needing to stick to just one point, as much as my mind wants to take me everywhere, and walk it through to completion. I definitely recommend this product for getting an understanding the process of writing the mind out with self-forgiveness. Check it out at EQAFE: Self Awareness Steps for the Elite pt.1. Your purchase will be highly self-supportive, as well as supportive to me and all life equally.
Bringing it back:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire personality design, wherein I never gave myself a chance to simply be myself because I allowed myself to fear that I wasn't cool enough to be with the girl/s that I liked. I can see a circle here: I want the girl to validate that I am cool enough to be with the girl...so when I get the girl, I am validated, and ready to move on as I climb higher towards the elusive/imagined top of the social latter as defined by ultimate acceptance/power/influence and of course the most beautiful/perfect woman in the world.
HA.ha.
I'll be continuing with this point in depth over time now that I see it. For now, I'll continue with some corrective applications..
When and as I see myself desiring to be with a woman for the sake of validating my ability to get her, I stop I breathe. I realize that this character is supporting a limited, self-serving time-loop where I do not consider, at all, how I can make the world at large a better place.
I commit myself to self-respect, so that I no longer come from a place that needs to be validated by a women. Within this, I realize that without self-respect, I am not respecting the woman as an equal citizen of the earth, and rather just a means to charge my mental system: validation-insecurity
When and as I see myself in self-doubt, I stop I breathe. I realize now that this is a creation of my mind within and as a fear orientation toward self. I commit myself to further investigation of how and why I have chosen to live through this character that needs validation from the starting point of fear...fear of loss...fear of losing the girl of my dreams.
I commit myself to stopping this character within and as me.
I commit myself to stopping this character that seeks to be cooler for the end purpose of obtaining the most beautiful woman that I can.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to settle for a girl that I don't really like. Ha. This is a key driving force. I commit myself to breathing and walking out of my sick mind so that I may contribute as a one and equal participant in supporting global oneness and equality.
Thanks for reading. I know it was a long one...and it's not over yet. If this post resonated with you and you're not already destonian: Join us in walking self-honesty, if you dare to expose the characters you are responsible for creating (publicly is optional; just exposing self to self is quite a journey).
Day 136 - Self-Interested Assistance
Day 25 - The social appeaser
I have a memory of mentally constructing this perspective: I have to be cool/funny to be liked and get the girl that I like. It happened in elementary school while I observed the general social gravitation towards the "cool" kids. Why were they cool? I think it was about the easy goingness, kind of a relaxed funny. And then of course once the group of cool friends were support each others' coolness, it was done. It was valid that they were cool. The "in crowd" was like a machine that supported itself, where the 'kinda cool' kids wanted to be accepted, so they respected the cooler kids. At the top you had 2-4 kids (in the classroom) that were friends and accepted the "kinda cool kids" friendship as they supported their position at the top. It made sense that girls would also gravitate toward the coolest boys because they benefit their egos by associating with the coolest of boys and through the validation from the other girls for doing so, maybe in the form of jealousy or praise. Girls, especially the pretty ones, had social pressure/expectation from other girls to obtain relationships with the cooler boys. Of course this is just a simple one-dimensional insight that I drew when I was pretty young, and it lead to the defining decision to become as cool as I can be, so I can have a better choice/selection of women that would be interested in me.
The design: have more, cooler male friends to increase power/status for the primary purpose of attracting the more attractive women. And I suppose it makes sense also that women become as attractive as they can be to attract the most powerful/successful and good looking men. This program lasted throughout school and college, and now I'm going to pick it apart and forgive it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how I will express myself in this world based on how I can increase my cool factor - as looks/hairstyle, types of friends I associate with, ability to make others laugh and feel comfortable - where I have, through this, chosen to limit my expression to only what others will likely like, causing me to be uncomfortable within fear/doubt of nonacceptance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will not accept me, not realizing this fear if based in the polarity of my desire to be at the top of the social latter.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to be at the top of the social latter because of the insecurity I allowed myself to exist as in the form of a reoccurring thought that I will not be liked by the girls that I like.
Haha, there is a lot opening up here. This point is more heavily participated in than I initially realized. In all of my relationships to women, the focus was on getting to be with them....oh crap. I defined and lived as a character/personality that once satisfied with the energy as attention from women, the system would calm down and I would be looking onwards to the next challenge of acceptance. Almost like a fear addiction I realize that I am afraid of not being able to continually overcome that fear of rejection...
Ohhhhh K! This is a problem. I've always just seen it as simply liking the initial part of relationships, you know, with the butterflies and uncertainty. There are so many dimensions to this character that I can't keep my head from spinning right now.
Breathe.
I was listening to this series of interviews by this being, Lily, and right now, I can see that I am needing to stick to just one point, as much as my mind wants to take me everywhere, and walk it through to completion. I definitely recommend this product for getting an understanding the process of writing the mind out with self-forgiveness. Check it out at EQAFE: Self Awareness Steps for the Elite pt.1. Your purchase will be highly self-supportive, as well as supportive to me and all life equally.
Bringing it back:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire personality design, wherein I never gave myself a chance to simply be myself because I allowed myself to fear that I wasn't cool enough to be with the girl/s that I liked. I can see a circle here: I want the girl to validate that I am cool enough to be with the girl...so when I get the girl, I am validated, and ready to move on as I climb higher towards the elusive/imagined top of the social latter as defined by ultimate acceptance/power/influence and of course the most beautiful/perfect woman in the world.
HA.ha.
I'll be continuing with this point in depth over time now that I see it. For now, I'll continue with some corrective applications..
When and as I see myself desiring to be with a woman for the sake of validating my ability to get her, I stop I breathe. I realize that this character is supporting a limited, self-serving time-loop where I do not consider, at all, how I can make the world at large a better place.
I commit myself to self-respect, so that I no longer come from a place that needs to be validated by a women. Within this, I realize that without self-respect, I am not respecting the woman as an equal citizen of the earth, and rather just a means to charge my mental system: validation-insecurity
When and as I see myself in self-doubt, I stop I breathe. I realize now that this is a creation of my mind within and as a fear orientation toward self. I commit myself to further investigation of how and why I have chosen to live through this character that needs validation from the starting point of fear...fear of loss...fear of losing the girl of my dreams.
I commit myself to stopping this character within and as me.
I commit myself to stopping this character that seeks to be cooler for the end purpose of obtaining the most beautiful woman that I can.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to settle for a girl that I don't really like. Ha. This is a key driving force. I commit myself to breathing and walking out of my sick mind so that I may contribute as a one and equal participant in supporting global oneness and equality.
Thanks for reading. I know it was a long one...and it's not over yet. If this post resonated with you and you're not already destonian: Join us in walking self-honesty, if you dare to expose the characters you are responsible for creating (publicly is optional; just exposing self to self is quite a journey).
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| From Heaven's Journey to Life - Day 232 |
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