Day 344 - Actual Living, Walking, Breathing

I had small chat with my DIP buddy today, and there was one main point that stands out for me here: It's this notion that I must 'walk the point' sometimes even before I write a blog post. To 'walk the point' first, means to move through writing and into physically lived application of the correction. I've been doing a lot of self-deception by writing the realizations without living them. It's like an energetic outlet, a quick fix, diffusing of the pent up friction I am creating by not actually living the corrections within what I am realizing about myself.

I've been messing up. I've been not just deceiving myself, but I've also been creating all the specific consequences that I am facing. They are like secondary add-on points that I have not been realizing. Let me lay it down for you straight and simple. I thought I could change by writing alone. I haven't understood how to utilize self-forgiveness in a way that practically brings about change BECAUSE I placed the change-responsibility onto the self-forgiveness instead of myself. "Oooh, ahh, I've got the magic key, and it is self-forgiveness. Watch me be self-honest and change while using this great and powerful tool that is awesome and powerful."

Separation.

Who an I within self-forgiveness? Where am I within it, structurally speaking? I emphasized how I think about self-forgiveness as being "powerful" because I see this is the problem. I am not powerful, but the self-forgiveness is..? This is misuse. Misusing the tool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within speaking self forgiveness by placing myself as inferior to the self-forgiveness, and so placing the change-responsibility on to the self-forgiveness writing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the critical importance of taking the next step, to move and push myself to change within the context of the realization. In this, I realize that when there is resistance to change, as there damn near almost always is, I must stop the reaction. This internal reaction to change-resistance is not helping me to change. I commit myself to stopping the reaction/judgment of resistance.  I commit myself to realizing the importance of self-movement in each and every breath.

Okay, so here's the point coming up now. I can see the point clearly, and I want to believe that by writing my insight, I am a changed man. This point especially comes up when I take on a point that is too general or too large, wherein I overlook the smaller building blocks of a particular system consequence (i.e. nail biting). By taking on the large points, I am working in a realm of idealism (Idea-Prison), imprisoning myself within a system through a perspective-relationship of who I am as less than or as a victim to this larger system. There is an expression, "the devil (de-veil, de-evil)  is in the details." It's only in the finer details of a point that I can stand as a point of one and equal responsibility. And so I am empowered to change the point, one specific detail at a time.

Which brings me to my next point: what if I do not know the details? Nearly every time I'm within a reaction, I do not fully comprehend all the bits and pieces and components of the energetic reaction.

Solution: Write and define.

Example: I am mad at Bernard for dying. This experience has elusive details, as most energy-based perspectives do. The tendency is to be within it, not to understand the totality of it. Breathe, slow down. I am mad because he stood his point so effectively that he died doing what was best for all. Am I jealous? No. It's more of a comparison point. I am mad at myself, and projecting it toward him because he is showing me how I am not standing. Now I have to face myself, and that's going to require giving up a lot of energetic self-definitions that I've already accepted as myself, and this process of letting go is quite uncomfortable from within the energy perspective comprised of that which I must let go of. Fascinating.

So,

I forgive myself that I have also accepted and allowed my self to magicalize breathing, instead of seeing how the breath can be practically used as a tool to slow myself down and bring forth the underlying dynamics of an energy reaction.

When and as I see myself writing within a perceptual context that is not applicable, livable, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process is a slow but sure process. I commit myself to utilizing self-forgiveness and breathing as practical tools to be applied specifically in transcending all the relevant 'baby' points within the bigger, more general points of self-change.

When and as I see that I have been relying on self-forgiveness to change me, I stop I breathe. I realize that self-forgiveness is just a tool to assist me with SELF-change. I commit myself to structurally placing the responsibility to change back onto myself. A hammer doesn't hammer the nail without my input, common sense

I realize that I am doing this, and that it's now time to chip a way my systematized self and get really intimate with who I am, so that I may direct how I express myself in this world.

photo credit

Day 325 - Missing my friends

It's been just over a year since I graduated college, and one of the major associated events is the friends I had last year are graduating and leaving the area. I no longer have the ability to drive down and visit all of them as I had done last month. Loss. The design of the experience is fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to reconnect with all my past friends.

This is really my holding on to the memories that I had when I was going to school with them. I had a lot of fun when I went to visit recently, but it was different. I was chasing a memory and instead ended up creating a new memory to get attached to. Like a nostalgic feeling, but also strongly associated with the people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to, and define myself by a memory, wherein I fear losing that chapter, that part of myself, and being unable to ever relive those moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to relive my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back in time to live my past differently with the knowledge I have now. = regret

Soon after my visit was over, I had a dream that burnt into my memory banks forever. It was basically all of them singing this song with an elaborate movement performance in the streets of Isla Vista. It was like a 'goodbye' show directed at me, and there was this overall feeling of connection and honor. I didn't reflect on it too much, but now that I do, here's what comes up: I personally feel a connection and honor toward them. 

There is this concept that I like to apply, I call it "loving detachment." It's like a perceptual frame that I willingly live to keep moving through life and not really pay attention to my past relationships. It seems now like it exists as a coping mechanism to avoid my fear of loss of past relationship, whereas I have usually always considered it to just be a smart/superior way to move through life. In fact, I was protecting myself from being in the vulnerable position of being left behind myself. I can support this conclusion also by the fact that I always wanted to stay friends with my ex-girlfriends. I'm sure I had a few mental tools / programs that I implemented to avoid feeling sad or uncomfortable or inferior. It was a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chose to create and live in an illusionary perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this was the best way lead a life, by keeping myself in the positive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the affect I've had on others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others' perspectives less than my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about myself and my own experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like having friends to support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have friends just to support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my friends to support my ego/ superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends because they no longer support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends.

I realize now that the design of missing friends and attachment to memories is really me as a mind trying to preserve my characters / personalities that I enjoyed. The positive experiences of myself in a certain context. To get stuck in the past, to fear loss / letting go of my personal memories with my friends, is me wanting to preserve a part of myself as a particular personality and experience of myself.

This is silly. Not only does it take away from my creative powers that are here as me building myself by adapting to my immediate environment in a way that is best for all, but I'm also fighting to save an energetic layer of myself. This energy is a personality character that I created in my head and lived out in a social environment. It's an illusion that I built and lived, and thus validated. And when this version of me loses it's momentum, when the social and environmental stimulation no longer feeds it, I'm going through this feeling of loss.

When and as I see myself longing to be in the past, in a memory with specific individuals, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this past scenario will never again happen just the same. I commit myself to flag this self-compromising form of nostalgia and releasing my attachments to it through investigating it and speaking/writing specific self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself desiring to relive a moment of favorable, past interaction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, and my life can only be lived to it's utmost potential in this moment. I commit myself to realigning myself with hereness, with breath, whenever I see myself day dreaming in the past.

This process has to happen. I can't allow myself to define myself based on energetic personality interactions, and go my whole life from within a perspective of self-interest and experience seeking. At what cost is "fun"? To think about the many that can't afford fun, the many that die and will die because of world systemic inefficiency, and then to also be aware of how I can make a difference with a bit of hard work...and then still just sit around wanting to feel good...no.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good while being ignorant of my ignorance is bliss stance.

I know what is at stake. To live here and not support what is best for all is going out of style. The quicker we all educate ourselves on our individual responsibility to support what's best for the whole, the sooner we can all start living a dignified life. Research and support the BIG solution (example). This is our shot. The window of opportunity is a moment where you make a choice. Investigate who you are within that. Why did you go this route? Where do your priorities lie? How much longer can you justify regrettable pursuits? Aha! Hehe.

To all my college friends: I cherish and honor you all. Thank you for the range of experiences. Enjoyable to educational. My only regret is trying impress you. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than you and trying to disprove my self-doubt with a multifaceted facade of personalities that truly aren't who I am. The consequences of living to present myself in a certain way had unforeseen consequences. Thank your for the memories that I will always have and be able to work with in my journey of self-discovery. I commit myself to waste no more time trying to relive old personalities. I commit myself to further investigating the intent/motivations of my self-made energetic characters. You will be able to read it all here.

Thank you.

Day 318 - Am I Serious?

I just discovered an interesting design in myself that I had not really considered before. I was reading this post from A Skeptic's Journey to Life called The paranoia of "not being taken seriously", and when I started to relate to it, memories popped up of me deliberately going into an non-seriousness to avoid conflict and/or judgment.

What is it that's going on here when I feel I need to act less than seriously? There are a few things coming up, and I hesitate to slap a quick answer on this question. I will need to spend some serious time with point :)

First thing that comes up is not wanting to take responsibility for / own up to a particular perception that I have made. As if I'm trying to escape a potential embarrassing situation that I have created through thoughts in my secret mind (the stuff I don't want to share). Like for instance if I have made a negative judgement of someone, I would have departed from physical hereness to create this thought, and when I return there is a sense of needing to explain myself. Or maybe it's a shame for even having gone there. Perhaps this moment of internal discomfort is a reaction to not being able to be completely open and honest with my company. It appears there is compounding consequence for participating in the secret mind.

There is also this idea that I hold that being less serious is attractive. I am able to get more positive social reactions with a lighthearted and positive demeanor. I've always liked when people like me, so to be funny has held a value that outweighed being serious and honest with myself and others.

To be serious with myself...why does this point stand out to me? There must be a bit of sorting myself out to do before I understand what's going on here...Why am I not serious with myself? What am I afraid of? How has this relationship of seriousness with self affected how I've been living my life? interacting with others?

I stop, I breathe.

Reckless ego. Caring only about what appeals to me, not considering the totality of consequence and personal responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.

Without self-honesty, I'd still be lost in my mind creating consequence that I wouldn't even take responsibility for. I see now how I've hurt others and myself by not being serious, and just allowing my mind to keep selective focus and keep moving forward with little regard for anything outside of my narrow focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the total effect of my choices through and as not taking responsibility for my thoughts, words, and actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what I do not like about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trying to hiding the personal responsibility of consequences that are not pleasant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selective with my perception and value placement. While I may have been aware of the consequences that I am responsible for, it is no longer acceptable to let particular incidents slide by because it is uncomfortable to recognize consciously.

Going deep. Stay tuned.

photo credit

Day 317 - Supporting Myself Through Resistance

There is a fluctuation within my ability to effectively direct myself. In some moments, I have a clear sense of why I move. In other moments, I am noticeably in a reaction when I move into a distraction. The interesting thing here is that I can notice when I am not self-directive. If I can see when I am not in alignment with a particular goal that is of high priority, then why would I allow myself to not do what needs to be done? Simply put, I am not being honest with myself.

If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.

So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.

Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.

Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.

When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.

Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.

When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.

When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all.  I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.

I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.

Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
Become the solution. Support Equal Money.

To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview:

Day 308 - Intending to Wake Up

Last night when I was intending to write about 'intention', I was feeling a bit tired and intended to rest for a moment. Indeed, I rested for just long enough to have to skip writing a post that night. This brings up several points, but I'm just focusing on a particular aspect of intention: lack of doing.

When I had intended to wake up in a bit, to direct myself responsibly, later, I relinquished the moment to an unspecified future. I gave up my moment. This in itself isn't terrible, but everything going on within it is a brand of habit forming self-compromise that is not cool. It was like I was deliberately lying to myself so I could temporarily escape my responsibility.

I could apply this issue of intention without doing in many areas of my daily living - which I intend to do...

Ok, by taking a look at this, I see that I haven't specifically planned out how or when I will address these "many [undefined] areas" where I am able to stand up and move myself vs. intending, thinking, delaying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place tasks within intention, not realizing that I'm actually avoiding them through a string of justification of delay. Regardless of whether or not I need to do it right away, I am giving up that moment to do nothing better. I am not making effective self-agreements.

So, to get working at full strength, I need to be clear, explicit, direct, specific with myself and my intentions. Especially the starting point! Why must I set an intention and not act now? What is the 'better' use of my time in this moment? Can I apply self-forgiveness on this point and create an internal stability from which to decide and prioritize the use of my time here?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to feel like it's so difficult to be clear, explicit, direct and specific with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this feeling and not be clear, stable and direct with myself when the feeling comes up.

Defining this feeling: not now ex. "I don't want to" / (sigh)"really, why do it" / (tilt head to side)"I don't have enough energy [to face myself] right now" / "I can't. I am unable (for some reason that isn't clear/stable)."

The feeling lacks self-agreement and the willingness to establish it because so doing would nullify the feeling. This mind design stuff is so intriguing. Who can crack the code? I can crack the code! haha

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be clear, direct, stable and specific with myself and my intentions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize intention to escape having to be responsible for myself in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the necessity of self-responsibility externally, as in feeling like I owe it to someone other than myself to be self-responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I want to be responsible for myself in every moment. This would entail just living within self-agreements. I am not trying to perpetuate this internal conflict of intention vs. action, no. I am here to practice and develop a stable and effective self-application. To be self-honest.

I could go on for days. I just had a mini stress temper tantrum while trying to think about how to direct my writing next, and what to write about tomorrow and when. I stopped and I breathed. I realize that I'm only as effective as I am in this moment - which is the primary motivation to stop reckless, paranoid intention. I get paranoid that something's not right or won't be right, and then I become lost in the future - like a slow chess player that thinks too many moves ahead because he's afraid of / intimidated by his opponent.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when I start to feel a need to set an intention. Future tasks that are not able to be immediately directed in some way, probably do not need my attention.

I commit myself to asking the questions: "Why?" and "What triggered my intention program?" When I find that a paranoia or some form of self-interest comes up in my answer, I commit myself to apply self-forgiveness in that moment...

Click. I understand another perspective of "living commitment" now. Instead of intending to apply self-forgiveness in some distant future when some uncertain point comes up, I make a living commitment, a lasting choice of how I will live a specific moment whenever it comes up. How does that expression go?...googling..."The devil's in the details."

Well then, I invite myself to face the devil, because letting the details slide by without attention is making my life a living hell. I can't trust myself if I am not going to be intimately specific with myself. I commit myself to assist and support myself in bringing my attention to the details and no longer skating through life just based on how I feel in that moment.

Thanks. Check out these other related JTL posts (that I read prior to writing today):

http://kaitleeprocess.blogspot.com/2013/05/intent-i-didnt-mean-to-day-44.html

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-400-paranoia-of-intent.html

Day 305 - My Earliest Written Blog Post Yet

For some context, check out Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

source

This is the earliest blog that I've ever written. I my eyes opened at 7:57. I followed productively oriented thought back to sleep. Two minutes later, I awoke with an answer, though, it was not a spectacular arrival of insightful information. It was more like an intentionally hidden answer, so that I could excuse myself into sleepy, head-resting thought for just a little longer. (It had to do with listing something on eBay, needing a white backdrop and not knowing what I could use..."my bed sheets") The point is, I could have easily found a solution through a giving the question my full, alert attention.

I continued to ask myself questions that I can't recall exactly (even though it was 20 minutes ago). All the questions seemed to come from a genuine curiosity, while at the same time leading to a rewarding inaction. That's a new concept I haven't identified before. Basically, the indulgence of thought while morning tiredness is in full swing. I would ask the questions as a means to stay inert. The questions would also be aligned to genuine curiosity. This allowed me to justify my choice to continue resting / fall back asleep.

The actual process of awaking only happened as I started asking better questions, more in align with 'why am I still resting?' I looked at my laptop that I carefully placed within reach of my bed. This triggered my intention to wake up and write, so that I could get a better sense for why and how I delay my wake up process.

I still do not fully understand the effects that sleeping in has on my day, and I still am unfamiliar with what it feeling like to intentionally disparate the tiredness energy within a breath awareness. These two will be points will come next. Working with what I got so far:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I can find answers to my problems if I ask myself while falling back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can find better / "more real" answers by consulting my slumber self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the nature of how I operate in the mornings when I fall back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to remain physically inert in the morning wake up process, and allow my mind to take me away into an answer searching experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my self-directive responsibility within the morning tiredness energy, effectively starting my whole day off with a vague/subtle understanding that "I am just going to go with the flow today," suppressing the urgency to begin working on my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my thoughts for granted instead of realizing I have a choice to remember my breathing and direct myself here.

When and as I see myself resisting waking up, I stop I breathe. I realize I am the creator of my reality. Will I allow the energy of tiredness direct me in the morning, or will I live here, in absolute responsibility for myself in that moment of choosing how I want to experience myself. I commit myself to realizing my self-responsibility in the very initial moments of awareness when I awake.

When and as I see myself thinking about a question that I will try to answer as I fall back to sleep in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can answer my own questions without trying to dream up answers. I commit myself to actually breathe and give myself a moment to self-responsibly decide if I can wake up and answer my question-thought or if I actually would like to enter into dream world. If that's the case, I will write immediately upon waking up to solidify my dream findings, and attempt to validate if it was a worthy venture, comparing it to if I had just woken up and began writing first thing.

When and as I see myself feeling tired / lazy / unwilling to get up and start my day productively, I stop I breathe. I realize that by submitting to this feeling-energy, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to become in control as a directive principle in and of my life and to stop merely reacting to my mind as soon as I awake.

When and as I see myself taking my thoughts for granted, as in thinking and not thinking twice about it, I stop I breathe. I realize that these thoughts are reactions to and activations of other thoughts. I commit myself to stop, breathe, and regain control of my ability to decide who I am in a moment. If I fall and do not make the responsible, best for all choice: investigate all the dynamics that lead to that decision.

Ok Dan, enjoy the day. I'll report tomorrow about how my day differs having done my blog post earlier in the day. Thanks for reading me.

Day 297 - Doubting Myself

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It's vicious habit. When watch myself spiral and go into a state of being that I had no desire to be in, I play victim without a clear target for blame. In this type of situation, I'm pretty sure that I know I am responsible for my behavior and mental state, but I suppress it and turn to a confused state. This confused state is also uncomfortable, so it gets suppressed too. At this point, I've buried all evidence of self-responsibility, including the irresolution. I am left with no other option than to carry on, and so make the choice to do so as effectively as I can - meaning focus on the next motivation, stay happy, stay intrigued, be cool.

This is a pretty intimate writing investigation. I've never really spent the time to see this pattern, this doubt character and all the mental processes that are within it. Though I may exist as this, even presently, I have the power to change. The Desteni group has played a pivotal part in my path of self-introspection. They say write, I resist. I resist for a little over two years. Damn. I can't even begin to wonder where I would be now if I was serious and proactive from the get go, but I don't because I'm here now.

Getting stuck in the past is the cause of self-doubt. I mean, why would I doubt myself without a preconceived idea of how I might fail, based in my past? I wouldn't. If I was just here, I'd have no reason to doubt me. I would only be able to express me, and herein lies a key: If I am not simply here, where, how and why am I hung up on my past?

Like a little child, I must keep asking "why" to get to the bottom of any personality formation. I realize that I'm not going to walk through and release all the dimensions of my self doubt character in clump. I've tried that in earlier posts. Even now I have this same feeling of clarity and insight into myself, that I react to by thinking/feeling that now I see everything and I'm ready to change RIGHT NOW. Such an ego moment. Flag point: "I see it all" / desire for self-change right now. Now, I understand I need to give myself the time to really walk each and every step.

Step 1 was start writing, check.
Step 2 could be different for everyone I suppose. I focused on getting comfortable with forgiving myself while holding my sights on this mysterious concept of self-honesty. The more I slow down and really consider each thought/energy/movement within me, the more I see where I can apply self-honesty. It's certainly a process. They call it the process of self, and it looks something like this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have everything sorted out within me as soon as I reveal to myself the tip of the ice berg of a single personality manifestation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have it all sorted out before I start sorting it all out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my self-investigation because I fear failure / rejection / criticism because I have placed more weight on what others think of me than what I think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things would have played out differently, not realizing how this state of thinking is contributing to and creating myself here now and in the future. I am determining my future through my hang ups on the past. This has to stop. How? Be here. How? Breathe. Also, investigate the layers and patterns that I participate in given certain circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my past reactions, and thus play victim of my residual/momentous past self instead of breathing and being here with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix my past self. *click* That's what I've been trying to do all along. I've been focused and frustrated trying to change the unchangeable self of the past.

I'm going to let this settle. Join tomorrow for added depth.

Day 286 - Self in Context of Human Rights

Spending even a little bit of time researching the current human rights affairs leaves a feeling of overwhelming disappointment. There is all this and that going on about human rights, but no one* is really doing anything to prevent the atrocities that take place on this planet. No one can have peace of mind without a a sweet monetary cushion. So really, the only people who can have the luxury of protected rights are those who can afford them, those that can afford legal defense and mitigation....ooo, that word is charged negatively in me. I don't know about you but I become somewhat enraged with the thought of the fortunate humans taking advantage of their fortunes to mitigate life circumstances to remain in a bubble, whereas the less fortunate human beings get no other option but full force misery. Word of the moment: Unfair

I have particular relationship to unfairness that I've been half aware of since my little brother was born. Now, I realize that all this time that "I wanted things to be fair," I actually only cared I was dealt a hand of unfair cards. As long as I was moving through circumstance of fairness or better, I was content. Through this, I unfairly treated others and my brother in particular. He was the easy target that I used to practice getting my way. I didn't realize the consequences of my behavior until I started studying the Desteni material. It is here that I really started considering who I am, instead of just what I want. I welcomed the core message of Self-Honesty, and so began process.

So far, I'v been very focused on myself. I understand that I need to work out my quirks to stabilize with an awareness of self so I can prevent unnecessary consequence. I'm not with every breath just yet, but progress is being made as an accumulation of awareness. A practical example: Flag pointing that feeling of superiority. I've been much more considerate of the awareness/stance of others when in conversation. This is just one aspect of the superiority/inferiority construct, and I still have a lot to walk through related to my inferiority complex - which is where I started from when I began constructing my ego drive for superiority.

What does all my personal baggage have to do with human rights? This relates to the point I addressed in yesterday's blog: Day 285 - Responsibility to Myself as Existence as a Whole where I basically connected my self-responsibility to worldly-responsibility (with plenty of room to elaborate in posts to come; it's a process). For now, I commit myself to spend a nice blend of my time writing for self here and for self as all through the equal human rights campaign.

I commit myself to spending the time to investigate human rights as an equal and one relationship with how I've committed myself to spending time on my individual process. It's time to get crackin: All for One and One for All style :)

Special thanks to Marlen's Equal Life Rights post! Check it out.

Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment

I am not sure why I am titling these posts in retrospect, but I like how it's working out! I have a general idea of what I'll name today's post. See if you can guess it right! The answer will be revealed tomorrow :)

While I was writing part 5 yesterday, I was very tuned into that critical moment of deciding to keep writing or to fall into a distraction. So much so that for the first time, I had followed through on an older commitment: To write down what distractions call for attention so that I may address them after I am finished with my intended line of duty. By writing them down, I felt a release of the tension caused by the inner struggle of whether or not to act on the desirable distraction, going into delay vs. staying on task. I simply made a physical note, and I could focus on my task more easily.

Why? I no longer feared forgetting to do what I wanted to do. Big one. That fear of losing what I had once wanted to do is highly uncomfortable. Interesting how I lead myself here.

How am I directing myself and yet digging up something I didn't already know I was going to find? Silly question. Or is it? I can determine how well I stay on task if I have a title written before I write the blog post.. On the other hand, this question's answer will show me if I am actively discovering myself through writing, or if I'm just reporting, embellishing, elaborating, and/or putting into perspective a point that I've already discovered.

The dynamic here is interesting because I can hide behind 'discovery writing' when the self-honest truth is I am not directing myself. I have already given into a cocktail of internally structured energetic forces. Let's see how much I can reveal about my writing motivation today.

• I am rushed by the self-imposed time stamp rule.
• I am typing from within my procrastination character
• I justified my delay of this post through having a general idea for how I would start it
• No way was I planning to write about the self-honesty of discovering myself through writing point.
• Because I didn't have to do the prep work for the blog since I did it after my last post, I was able to continually use that excuse all day.
• And furthermore, once I had accepted that excuse/justification for delay, it became automated in a way that made it much harder to see when I was utilizing it. Which gives some perspective to the elusive nature of resistance that I found during part 4.
• Fear
• that I can't make a good post if I have time to doubt myself.
• I use the time pressure to assist with a flow
• Justified
• don't want to sound contrived
• easier to stay focused when I can't afford the time not to be.
• I choose to ignore that I can flow without time pressure
• I choose to ignore that I am less effective when forced to flow.
• The writing is not for me when I place a system of delay/rushedness onto myself from an external standpoint (i.e. time)
• Justified
• I spend less time blogging when I am rushed/limited than when I give myself plenty of time (1hr vs 3hrs is a likely example)

There's a lot here. And I could probably keep going, but I'm limited to just 8 more minutes. "It's ok though because I've written a 'good' amount (consistent length)." What's cool about throwing words out of my fingers like today, is that I actually do discover and open up lots of points. What's not cool is how this habit limits my potential to expand within depth on a single point. So far, in my JTL, I've been kind of skimming the surface. I knew I would be because I had the excuse that "I'm just a beginner at this" so "as long as I'm writing.." I now realize there is a quality factor that I can only give myself when I really give myself the time to walk my self-investigation process as well as the time to practice the living application.

This is what process is.

I commit myself to practice living a self-directed structure of activity tomorrow, and write about the moments when I give into my internal energy structure that is the habits that guide me from day to day without awareness of my physical body. Join me tomorrow for an exploration into what I wrote today and the answer to the secret question: What is the title of this post going to be?

question mark credit

Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

This is going to be a free flow writing to bring in more perspective on this wall of resistance. I have begun to solidify my realization that I do not require to let the feeling and emotions control me (Day 253 - Post Breaking Point). Even as I sit and write this entry several hours earlier than usual, the experience of distraction tendency/energy is all over the place.

I sit to write and BAM, I hit the resistance wall. Now, through all of my writing, as I described on Day 253, I am becoming able to direct myself instead of simply reacting. In most, if not all, of my prior experiences of hitting this wall, I would let the wall knock me on my ass.

I would suppress the fact that I need to get through the wall. I would distract myself with an array of alternative activities from media to food, even exercise. I try to ignore the wall, divert my attention, and ideally, still remain productive, taking on other mini-walls or whatever.

The only time I would put in the effort to overcome the wall was if I justified it with a need to do so. Usually this was time. "If I don't do it now, I'm screwed." And this life methodology was way more consequential than I ever realized. I created survival situations to motivate myself. Compounding laziness.

As I wrote about yesterday, all I cared about was moving fast. Instead of realizing who I am in relation to the wall and to breaking through the wall, I suppressed that and started running along the wall, hurdling the easy stuff (secondary tasks) until I was forced to face the wall.

Solution:  Examine my relationship to the wall.

For example:
What do I believe the wall is made of? A powerful energy
Who will I be on the other side? Unburdened 
Who am I by remaining within the current relationship with the wall? Weak
What does that say about me? Submitting to a force
Is the wall really more powerful than I? No, because I am able.
Did I create the wall somewhere along the way? Yes, because it's an internal relationship
What will it take to get through it? Perseverance
What will it take to completely remove the wall? ...

The wall is a residual energy of resistance. When I am forced to overcome the wall via some external force, the wall has won. The purpose of the wall is to delay me. So every subsequent wall of resistance is the same wall, the same internal relationship with procrastination. The only way to permanently remove the wall is by releasing my definition of it, as that which holds it in place and substantiates it.

This is interesting. It's time to get walking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the wall is a greater force, and not realize myself as the creator of the wall, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the wall, not realizing what this suppression means as a completion of the cycle and purpose of the wall (aka. the wall wins)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak/unable in relation to the wall and the resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather suppress who I am in relation to the wall than to stand and disintegrate the wall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can disintegrate the wall by removing the self-defined relationships that substantiate it.

When and as I see myself facing the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize what this wall is. It is a residual energetic programming that I created over time so that I could remain in a positive (easy) experience of myself. I commit myself to exposing the underlying dynamics of my relationship to this wall of resistance.

When and as I see myself within a feeling of "not wanting to do this right now," while scanning for distractions, I stop I breathe. I realize this moment is the breaking point. I commit myself to showing the wall what I'm made of. I am physical substance. The energy cannot and will not direct me without my acceptance and allowance. In this process, I become aware of how energy typically moves me, I forgive myself for allowing it to, and I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality.

When I say I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality, I mean I am not longer going to just allow my wall to stand as a more powerful energy. I am the wall. I am the consequences of the wall. Will I continue to accept myself as this, or will I assert myself as equal and one with the physical reality that is here as me?

When and as I see myself trying to suppress the wall and divert my attention to other 'worthy' tasks/activities, I stop I breathe. I realize that the wall isn't going to go away if I keep feeding into it like this. I commit myself to breathe and move, as I did today when sitting down to write my blog before the time pressure forced me to do so. As I breathe and move, I am realigning myself as the authority of the physical to build an existence that is best for all.

When and as I see myself sitting down next to the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not moving to get through the wall because the wall of energy manifested an excuse or justification within me to not try. I commit myself to patiently removing the wall brick by brick, pattern by pattern, until it is done.

photo credit

Related articles

• Day 228 - Becoming Consistent with Focus
• Day 241 - The Path of Least Resistance
• Day 249 - Getting Grounded in the Physical
• Day 250 - Dangerous Desire
• Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road

Day 239 - Becoming Responsible

I am getting a sense for what it means to grow up. This is a rite of passage that all kids go through when entering adulthood. Moving back home after college has prolonged this process a bit, but the cool part is that I've been writing and blogging about my daily experience for quite some time. I started my first process journal June 2010 and started this blog about 2 years later. Now, I'm beginning to feel like a year's worth of blogs is just around the corner.

This time creep, if you will, is an interesting experience. One day I'm young, the next I'm old. You hear this from older people all the time, and it's as if there is a disconnect between reality and perception of self. There is an imagined version of self that is idealized and able.

My college lifestyle

What I am realizing over broad period of time is that I too am growing up, and with that comes a multitude of responsibility. This type of responsibility is typically learned by necessity, but there are ways to delay becoming responsible, especially when one is able to do so. In my case, I have been able to delay the onset of responsibility. Perhaps a slower transition is will lead to a better outcome... Whoa, no, hold on. This is smelling like a justification. It sure is easier to transition more slowly, and it's a heck of a lot easier to postpone responsibility when the world is not pressing on me.

College was a place far from home that I was able to get a sense of what it's like to be on my own feet. While this is true in some regards, I was not funding my own education/rent/food. I had severally underestimated what it takes to make ends meet. I was simply following the groove of my destiny, boarding to class and living like a really chill cat. I took care of my pressed responsibilities (i.e. passing grades and cleaning dishes), and the rest of the time that was afforded to me, I just had fun. That was the plan: Get a degree and enjoy my social experience. I also enjoyed my own time in being creative or going to the beach (Ya, school on the ocean)!

My point here is there are several perspectives of responsibility, and I haven't considered them all. This is changing. I easily accepted that I was responsible by the definition of getting passing grades, not even good grades. I was weaker yet in terms of eating a healthy, physically supportive diet. I got my exercise through having fun, so I didn't even consider being responsible in that area (an issue in itself: that of ignorant irresponsibility). And that leads me into the big one...being responsible for this world as a participant.

I had this imagined version of myself, where I was great and leader-like, and I was going to study communication and talk to the world. Through this idealized version of myself that was just going to happen sometime in the future, I had lost touch with reality. I almost felt like that was who I was already, and no hard work would be required to become who I already am (fascinating).

In a way, I had reduced the definition of responsibility to "making the right choices." I wasn't very aware of this definition. I had always just made a decision and followed through, and doing hard work can simply be that. What I was doing though, was only choosing to expose myself to easy paths. Some verb-age from my fathers mouth "...path of least resistance," was said in a positive way, and so I adapted this into my program.

So here's the interesting end thought:

Above, I made the statement "I was simply following the groove of my destiny," and I meant it as kind of a natural unfolding of life. What I had long believed my destiny to be was to be someone really significant and change the world to be a better place. I have a vivid memory from 7th grade history of wanting to be written about in the history books. The problem was that I didn't think I had to work very hard to get to such a position, and later on, as I became exposed to 2012 readings and new age spiritualism, I saw a nice fit in being able to become the "great, enlightened world saver" I was destined to be with no real effort. All I had to do was meditate with mantras and cast violet light across the neighborhood (yes, I did that).

Now, I find myself in the shoes of a Destonian, as a member of Desteni. I am no longer within my simple destiny groove. The transition from destiny to desteni was similar to the derailing of a train. Had I spent several thousand more dollars on reaching higher consciousness, my train may have been moving too fast, too confidently to consider that I was wrong in any way. Fortunately, I had an open enough mind to conduct a thorough investigation.

And what did I find?

An overlap. I was on board with oneness, but I couldn't wrap my head around equality. I had wanted to make the world a better place by becoming better (than others) myself. That fit nicely with the "best for all" principle. One of the most mind boggling perspectives of oneness and equality that Desteni presents is becoming responsible for the entire world. I perceived that was what I wanted, not what I already was. That was the real source of the initial shock. Actually hearing the message of becoming responsible.

I am leaning what is means to be responsible in a practical, create myself through effort kind of way. This is not exclusive to Desteni, but the Destonians aren't kidding around. Desteni I Process is a fast track to removing the mental limitation and excuses for not being responsible for self and this world as a whole. All things considered, greed and self-improvement just don't make the cut. Aligning the expression of self as life, to support what is best for all life, through a process of self-perfection...is becoming responsible.

Investigate for yourself where you stand in this world.

Day 232 - Work Ethic: Unplugged

How hard I work is a relative perception. As I began to see yesterday, I have been overestimating my work ethic for some time now. I have been working a sales/marketing job for the past 4 days, 8 hours a day, and it's pretty hardcore relative to having no job. What I've realized is how much work I am able to accomplish when I am really working. So far, the best part of this job was seeing this factor. Seeing exactly how valuable an hour of time is.

It's not a completely foreign concept and I've done some writing about this is the past, but the relative perceptual factor I hadn't really been aware of. When my environment is fast paced, I feel charged and motivated to do more work, and this is the climate of the work culture that is implemented through various "stay positive" techniques. Even when I was in school I was motivated with regard to seeing how much everyone around me was doing everyday.

So my question is: How do I determine my work ethic without relating to anyone around me? Why haven't I already figured this out?? I've taken for granted my external circumstances for a long time, to the point that I didn't ever realize the internal-external point of separation for the source of my motivation. This is interesting.

When I come back to this first question, the obvious answer is self-honesty, FYI. I can only determine how hard I work relative to how hard I can work within being honest with myself. What I've done over time is lose sight of how hard I can be working through a repetitive and varying dishonesty within self (a.k.a. excuse). And there is shame here. Will this shame be my internal source of motivation? It's better than no internal motivation. And quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of all the external motives that have pushed and pulled me everywhere throughout my life.

My internal sense of motivation needs an overhaul. And this is my journey. To examine my self-interested motives, find which are abusive to Life, which are supportive, stable, practical; and within this examination, I must rebuild my internal motivation so that it aligns with what is best for all.

This latter part has been my hang up because of the resistance code. I've coded myself to react to giant undertakings such would be rebuilding my motivation structure. The typical reaction is to become overwhelmed. I have used this excuse to do nothing countless times.

Boom. Key point found. If I am going to be stable within my work ethic, I can no longer be self-dishonest. I can no longer allow internal excuses and fluctuation external environments to determine my work ethic. It's time to take back control of me. Join me tomorrow for some practical self-forgiveness and corrective application.

pic: wikimedia commons

Day 230 - Digging Deeper into Nails

cc: flickr

I received a comment on my post yesterday that got me thinking about how I have yet still to really consider who I am within my nail biting. I get that the actual nail biting isn't the source of the problem, and that's part of why my initial attempt on Day 14-16 didn't hold up. I was working within a reaction toward what I could directly see as "the problem,' which was that I was allowing my nail biting. I wasn't considering the layers behind it.

The point brought up in the comment by She who yesterday was working with the self-judgement that ensues from my nail biting. Indeed this is a layer of reaction that I need to let go of an stop participating in. While I was reflecting on that, biting my thumbnail and chatting with a friend online, I made an insightful connection between that self-judgement layer and a deeper layer of self-judgement. The relationship isn't clear, but I noticed that went I sent a text message to my friend online, I would be thinking about how it comes off to him, essentially worrying how he will react to my message. "Did it make sense?" was my most prominent concern. "Was it funny/witty?" "Would he respond favorably because of what I said?" Basically any thought pertaining to the successful continuance of a "good" conversation.

So, on the more apparent reaction layer of self-judgement, I have been getting lost in it and only seeing my nail biting habit through that layer. And within this connection of that layer and the deeper layer, I see that through really applying the concept of "who I am within it," my starting point of nail biting that is of anxiety (or at least one of the more common ones) is that fear of not being able to fit it with my word choice in a conversation. Nice, this is really opening up now.

Self-judgement on the deeper level has become an automated response to particular scenarios related to uncertainty of how others react to me. This indicates and confirms how much I have defined myself outside of myself, through others. I have placed much importance on how others react to me...maybe because I have been hurt in my childhood from receiving negative feedback to my natural self-expression. Even that hurt was caused because I placed an emphasis on how others think of me...at this point I'm feeling like I'm getting ahead of myself and getting too deep too fast.

Reeling it back a little: my automated response of self-judgement is the layer behind the automated response of nail biting. So, somewhere along the way, I have decided that I can hide my worry/self-doubt behind my nail biting....maybe nail biting was my coping mechanism as a form of distraction from my internal worry about how others perceive my expression. I don't like to see how I've separated myself in this way because it's an act of self-distrust. Boom, so that could be the source of the pain. Okay going deep again, bear with me.

I didn't trust myself to be confident within my expression, and that pain point was self-inflicted. Now I'm thinking that through childhood ridicule, I projected that self-inflicted pain. Others were just exploiting the weakness that I brought onto myself to show me who I have become. This could even be how/why I began emphasizing my externalized self-definition. Self-distrust snowballs. Writing and self-forgiveness are going to be how I make sense of this nail biting habit and release the automated programs of self-judgement.

I commit myself to walking through the difficult self-honest, self-exposure required to become really intimate with myself and really know myself and really change myself. Thank you for reading.

Day 227 - Sticking to one mission at a time

It is recommended by the Desteni group to walk through one point at a time, which contributed to my fear of opening up my nail biting again. It's interesting how fast that association happens and then becomes a part of my program. So, to release that specific thought association there: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I shouldn't attempt to really stop biting my nails unless I am more than confident in my ability to complete the process in one solid go. I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept my interpretation as the whole of truth and integrate it into my perspective without a second thought.

OK, off to a bad start, but the goal of this post is to reaffirm a personal awareness of deviation toward a particular task. This largely pertains to the point of delay, procrastination, ADD, etc. The basis of the concept is falling into the resistance energy when faced with work.

For examples: Biting my nails can be an escapism/release from the work that I am facing. Eating a delicious treat is a favorite go to when my mind is racing for a distraction. Another favorite distraction is other productive tasks that are looming in the background. Internet issue of having multiple tabs open, and wanting to cycle through all of them instead of just getting one task done at a time.

It's weird because I feel like multitasking with multiple tabs open on my computer will make me faster, more productive, and yet the opposite occurs. When I sit here with my focus, I am able to complete a single task faster than if I draw it out with other tasks. I believe the feeling of slowness happens with the resistance, so I am slowed down by it during the working, and then through the resistance I multitask and find ways to actually slow me down.

If I could stick to one thing at a time, I would be more effective. Hence the recommendation to walk one point at a time. Popping around to multiple points will take a long time AND prevent me from reaching depth within each single point = less effective.

Even when I misspell a word while typing these posts and the red swiggly line appears underneath, I am much inclined to stop my train of thought and fix the error before continuing.

So, there is a lot of multidimensional play here within my "ADD" issue. I will sort it all out in time, and I already understand that becoming overwhelmed is not the solution. Temporarily mitigating the resistance by altogether stopping my attempts at focusing on one task, gets me no where. Also, there is many different angles one could take on this perspective of taking on just one mission at a time: small scale, large scale, time frame, etc.

I realize that when I sit down to type a post, I can get that post done faster if I do not allow the resistance energy to guide me. Even as I wrote this sentence, a wave of tiredness brought up the thought, "go sit lay down on the couch, just for a little while." And it is precisely this that I need to work through.

This is tough. And I knew it would be. But I haven't actually considered how hard it is to move oneself through persistent resistance. I know that if I keep taking back control of my body within my breath, I can do this. It's not impossible to undo our nature as organic robots that only move with mind frequency. I remember that I can breathe and direct myself. And what's really cool about this flow right now is how I'm noticing all kinds of thoughts come up like how I'm doing a shitty job by not taking a rest, and that others will think I'm a bad writer if I keep writing through the tiredness. It's like my mind will throw anything it's got at me to ensure that I listen to at least one thought so that I am directed and controlled by the mind consciousness system.

So, where from here? I guess I'll stop here, and write early tomorrow to apply some practical self-forgiveness for these control points that lead one to hop around from task to task and believe that they're sick with Attention Deficit Disorder. Thanks

picture credit

Day 204 - There's a ache in my head

Putting together the picture:
    It's not a headache, per say, though it is a feeling that emanates from my head region. It's almost like tiredness; in fact, I would most likely say that it is. But his uncomfortable feeling is more of a last resort excuse to not have to push through the resistance and face my work. If I am out of distractions to move toward, the resistances manifests this aching in the head. It's that feeling, "oh, I just want to rest my head." "One more moment of non-work, please."

Get the picture? I've got it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance, instead of writing it out and facing the resistance point. After doing a bit of writing, I have come to find that there is a negative association toward effortful work that is the source of my skewd starting point that leads to each distraction/avoidance behavior.

Previous, related writings:
Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire
Day 106 - Living in Delay

Based on what I've just re-read. I see that I must add some more depth to the equation. I've know this would be necessary, but I mostly thought myself to have lacked the know-how.

Self-honesty is quite the key of all keys. Because when I see me/my mind/how I move, in self-honesty, I know what I need to do. I've already written about it.

Where my commitment statements do not stand, I must investigate what other factors I haven't yet considered. In this case. I haven't yet considered all of why and how I have this relationship toward effortful work. Waiting to figure it out, isn't a real option. Either I am investigating, through the written word as I am now, or I am moved by the delay/resistance into a submissive state, giving up my self-direction as life to my programmed mental self.

When and as I see myself simply allowing the uncomfortable feeling of resistance to move me, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an opportunity like any other, where I can investigate what's going on within me. Self-honesty vs simple allowance. Self-honesty says direct self here, simple allowance just goes with the flow of the aching internal reaction feeling. I commit myself to writing about resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing resistance to mutate and change and accordingly allow myself to be moved in its tides. I commit myself to breathing and moving. Until this is a natural self-expression, here, I commit myself to write about all my resistance points to discover all the little building-block points that contribute to the umbrella term: procrastination.

Adding depth = more perspective through writing.

It's time to amp up my writing commitment, instead of self-sabotaging within delay and resistance.

Day 201 - Fear in being Ineffective

This is a fear that must stop. The whole perfectionism disease where one prevents oneself from trying as to avoid the risk of failing. I identify with this some areas, mostly pertaining to my reflected self (judgement from others), and in other areas like skateboarding, I saw failure as motivating to get up and try again...this appears to fit the polarity design: +/- of acting on/in fear.

For the moment, I'm going to dig deep into the negative aspect of fear disabling / halting me from attempting something new or unfamiliar.

Additional perspective found here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixation on perfection as defined by  how others perceive me. Within this fixation, I feared being seen as less than perfect. I imagine myself in a karate school, and the only time I would go into the middle to fight is if I was certain I was going to win, so that no one could laugh at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of others laughing at me and in that feeling inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how the crowd might perceive me. There is a "but" here. It is, but the crowd's opinion matters from the perspective of a collective majority vote.Could this fear of failure/noneffectiveness be the reason we don't speak up? Yes, at least for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to speak up / ask questions / voice opinions / record a vlog because of fear of ridicule. In this is fear of nonacceptance by the crowd, fear of others attacking me, fear of nothing happening (back to the original point: don't try, and nothing is guaranteed).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that these self-forgiveness statement won't do anything, and within this fear I have created a doubt resistance toward the forgiveness process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to even try doing something that is unfamiliar to me because I fear others' perceiving me to fail. Ah. It's less of a fear of failure from an internal standpoint, hence my skateboarding example. It's a fear of failing from the public / others who don't know or accept me.

Cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends I never had through creating a bad first impression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  fear the groups reaction to my attempting something that I'm not perfect at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be perfect before I subject myself to public judgment. Pushing my self to write this blog from Day 1 has been an exercise in this. I didn't know how to write a PUBLIC blog back then. Now, my confidence is rising, though I have been delaying the next step of cleaning up the appearance and user-interface of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  feel like I have to have everything about my self-expression "the right way," as to fit in with the crowd. (Day 198)
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When and as I see myself afraid to try something new/unfamiliar because of how I perceive worry others may judge me negatively, I stop I breathe. I realize that behind this is fear of loss, fearing that I will lose in the context of being liked, fearing losing an opportunity to have my reputation go up / leave a positive impression, on strangers specifically. I commit myself to walking out all the details of this other-oriented fear to try things that I am not the master of. It will be an exercises in humility.

When and as I see myself within resistance toward writing a post or doing anything that is public, I stop I breathe. I realize that I do not have to compromise myself/my reputation by recklessly publishing my self-expression, no. I commit myself to practically applying myself to the best of my ability and not let an internally created experience of fear of judgment stop me from directing myself.

When and as I see myself not acting because of fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize this is just a mental occurrence that plays on my past memories and feelings to keep me in submission to fear. I commit myself to breaking these ties to fear of others' opinions of me so that I may work effectively toward what is best for all life.

When and as I see myself not speaking up or voicing my opinion because I fear ridicule and negative group judgement, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an allowance of an inferiority complex within myself. I commit myself to start expressing myself more in public settings, forgiving the points of resistance that come up.

When and as I see myself resisting to write a blog post, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me. I commit myself to writing for myself and others equally, and exposing any superiority/inferiority backchat to continue to diffuse the charges that have kept me silent.

I realize that fearing to be ineffective is what is keeping me to be ineffective. I commit myself to stop this pattern of manifesting my fear without realizing my participation within it as the propagating factor.

Future points that came up while writing:

• fear to clean up blog's appearance ("gotta do it right")
• polarity of fearing publishing = desiring publishing (special or different than side-journal wiritng
• both are for self, should be no significant difference for practically walking process
• Ego block: humble vs pride (self-reflection in others' reactions)
• "Best for all" protection blanket.
• Superiority complex = talking too much; words are energetic, not self here

Day 197 - Resurfacing Resistance Patterns

If this post is being displayed wonky for you too, you can read it more clearly here: http://forum.desteni.org/

I find once more that there is really no way possible to permanently the points that haven't been completely walked. I was aiming to open up my relationship toward yoga today, and I started going into a sorts of various delay patterns. The primary starting point was that of fearing my writing will not be good enough, acceptable, or that I won't effectively express the entire point all at once.

Then, I thought about writing about the resistance that I was experiencing. I did so in my side journal. I found that there is an intensification of the points that are not yet cleared, and so far, in general, I have not been going deeply into one point at a time.

There is a theme of increasing resistance as I hone in on the particular point. Today, as I sat to write I became overwhelmed by the attempt to conceptualize my entire relationship to yoga. Again, I am taking on too many points within it, and from there I go into fear that I won't complete the deprogramming of that one GIANT point, as if I had to do it in one post.

How did I react to the resistance this time? All the same old patterns started popping up:

- Ease of going into another thought, accompanied by nail biting

- Sleepiness

- Food and/or candy

The key difference between then and now is that I stuck to my commitment to write about the resistance I was experiencing, instead of just allowing it to guide me. Through the writing I realized that these old habits of resistance are my go to outlets for avoidance and delay: Personalized Escapism.

So, as a continuation of Day 183, I am finding that I can't just walk through all of my resistance points on one level and be done with it. Point by point, I have to give myself the room, the patience to pick apart one point, and make a stable commitment of self-change from within the working realizations I find. Being general within my writings was my adaption of being lazy. Like today, I would allow the resistance reactions to take over, and only at the last minute find the will to get out a quick post. It's not a point that I want to beat myself up over. I just want to get my act together, so to speak, and get real with myself.

I'm not here to prove that I can get a post published everyday. I post everyday because I can better see when I fall into energy.