Sputtering: to proceed or develop in a spasmodic and feeble way. (ex. The old car was running on fumes, sputtering down the road.)
Also continuing from my first post in this 30 day series, there's an apparent need to go deeper into why I keep blocking myself from writing.
One day, it's simple, I just let myself write.
The next day, well..
The resistance takes many forms, like sleepiness or jumping into distractions, but why am I giving way to the resistance so quickly each time I'm facing deeper dimensions of myself in writing?
All that comes up is fear as ego-protection. The what-ifs and the primary fear: been seen as the fallible human that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acknowledging my own imperfections, and try to avoid them by creating a personality of hesitancy in my self-expression, waiting for the right moment to assert myself in the right way - veiling my authenticity, cleverly even from myself, as I further develop a 'people-pleasing' personality and get further from myself, who I am, my wants, my goals and ambitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself, because I fear that just being me, isn't enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in personality constructs that are 'safe' because they work for me within my environment, not seeing, realizing or understanding how I'm then only ever building a 'house of cards', bound to come crashing down, because I'm not substantiating each relationship by bring my integrated self, my whole +1 to the table.
I commit myself to shedding the personalities, each time I recognize myself within one, and being vulnerable and raw, coming as I am, no self-judgement.
I commit myself to use my breath as cross reference in the physical, to assist with determining when/if I'm loaded up into a narrow personality construct, using breath as well to support my returning to presence and the authenticity that is always here, in real-time, breath-pace.
I commit myself to continue aligning my integrated character with what's best for all by removing personality systems that are outdated and/or in narrow in scope, and replacing them with an "okay-ness" or immediate self-acceptance, allowing me to walk vulnerably with any situation, and just allow my expression to come up. Whatever comes, I accept it, and then I face it as I continue to fine tune my standing character, as the expression living by principle, courage, and will to do best by me and others. No more personalities based of fear. #wasteoftime
There will be many parts to Going Deeper.. TBC
Showing posts with label personality design. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personality design. Show all posts
Day 416 - Word Critic Bully Character
A little backstory before opening up this character:
While working through level 10 of my vocabulary building program, I came across the word infer, and slowed down to read all the definitions for it because I have long had trouble distinguishing between inference and deduction. This lead to a journey of understanding, aided by the internet and, well, Yahoo Answers. Reading through all the contributions from others, I was definitely starting to refine the boundaries of these two words for myself. Below is one of the more poorly rated answers, but I resonated with it. I thought was a really effective expression of her understanding. Then I expanded the 1 comment, read it, and went through a semi-heavy reaction as I closed the page in disgust of the nasty meanness of humanity online.
I reopened the tab to investigate what this reaction was. Rereading this, O_hutch may have been simply saying that it was funny, and not in a derogatory way. Regardless, my interpretation/reaction of the situation, was such, as to reflect my own nature; and so, I walk the necessary self-forgiveness, take responsibility for my contribution to this uncool aspect of our world/internet culture.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own and others' words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize my understanding of the importance of clear understanding of individual vocabulary words, and create a positive experience attached to perfect word choice and execution, and a negative experience/judgment of fumbling my words, incorrect word use, nonsense - and within allowing my mind to polarize and energize this point, I now see, realize and understand that I am absolutely sabotaging an awesome potential to support myself and those around me, putting my understanding of vocabulary to its best use.
Scenarios:
- Listen for the definition mismatch when listening to others. This is accomplished by attentively listening to the whole of the other person to get their context and how it influences their understanding/use of particular words, and then comparing and contrasting it to my understanding. Additional cross referencing is often required, as my contextual associations with my words could just as well be misaligned.
- Use my Vocabulary Builder everyday. This is most clearly an expression of putting my understanding of vocabulary to its best use.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my definitions and understandings of words are more clear, more refined, more accurate, and thus judge myself as superior to all around me (straight up ego design), and TOTALLY MISS how others choose their words according to their own understandings of them! It's kind of a..."duh" thing, but this also shows me how stupid and compromising it can be when I let my ego steer my perception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to others superficially and from the narrow vantage point of my current understanding, reactively ready to pounce on/judge others when they speak/write with any word-definition discrepancies to my own; instead of (correction) leveling with others and working to understand why/how they use their words to convey meaning, and resolve discrepancies.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be fast and rush through information, and be the first person to correctly interpret what someone means, sometimes even before they finish speaking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as intellectual inferiors because of an inflated sense of having comprehensive understanding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others within and through operating from a partial understanding, inflated to seem to me like a better or more accurate understanding. I commit myself to humble myself and see the honesty of me operating within and from a partial understanding.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my own understandings, which are actually inferences that I've been making my whole life.
I commit myself to be humble and willing to reconsider everything (311, thanks again for this song)!
I commit myself to actively realizing that we all don't have the same positioning and reach within the English lexicon, and take responsibility for creating shared understanding within what is best for all.
I commit myself to apply active listening to cross reference my initial interpretations and understandings with other potential meanings, especially meanings relevant to the individual speaking. This requires a humbleness and slowing down. Patiently taking in more information than I would normally cruising through my life at mind-speed.
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It's a rather obtrusive personality program in my life, specifically in the realm of communication, which was my field of study in college. Damn, no matter how much I know, I really do need to humble myself and keep learning, all the time.
Bottom line: To have an inflated self-perception of mastery within understanding = not chill.
More to come on: listening, bullying, words, and my life experience. Thanks.
Day 325 - Missing my friends
It's been just over a year since I graduated college, and one of the major associated events is the friends I had last year are graduating and leaving the area. I no longer have the ability to drive down and visit all of them as I had done last month. Loss. The design of the experience is fear of loss.
To all my college friends: I cherish and honor you all. Thank you for the range of experiences. Enjoyable to educational. My only regret is trying impress you. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than you and trying to disprove my self-doubt with a multifaceted facade of personalities that truly aren't who I am. The consequences of living to present myself in a certain way had unforeseen consequences. Thank your for the memories that I will always have and be able to work with in my journey of self-discovery. I commit myself to waste no more time trying to relive old personalities. I commit myself to further investigating the intent/motivations of my self-made energetic characters. You will be able to read it all here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to reconnect with all my past friends.
This is really my holding on to the memories that I had when I was going to school with them. I had a lot of fun when I went to visit recently, but it was different. I was chasing a memory and instead ended up creating a new memory to get attached to. Like a nostalgic feeling, but also strongly associated with the people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to, and define myself by a memory, wherein I fear losing that chapter, that part of myself, and being unable to ever relive those moments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to relive my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back in time to live my past differently with the knowledge I have now. = regret
Soon after my visit was over, I had a dream that burnt into my memory banks forever. It was basically all of them singing this song with an elaborate movement performance in the streets of Isla Vista. It was like a 'goodbye' show directed at me, and there was this overall feeling of connection and honor. I didn't reflect on it too much, but now that I do, here's what comes up: I personally feel a connection and honor toward them.
There is this concept that I like to apply, I call it "loving detachment." It's like a perceptual frame that I willingly live to keep moving through life and not really pay attention to my past relationships. It seems now like it exists as a coping mechanism to avoid my fear of loss of past relationship, whereas I have usually always considered it to just be a smart/superior way to move through life. In fact, I was protecting myself from being in the vulnerable position of being left behind myself. I can support this conclusion also by the fact that I always wanted to stay friends with my ex-girlfriends. I'm sure I had a few mental tools / programs that I implemented to avoid feeling sad or uncomfortable or inferior. It was a choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chose to create and live in an illusionary perspective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this was the best way lead a life, by keeping myself in the positive experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the affect I've had on others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others' perspectives less than my own.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others poorly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about myself and my own experience of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like having friends to support my ego / superiority frame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have friends just to support my ego / superiority frame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my friends to support my ego/ superiority frame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends because they no longer support my ego / superiority frame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends.
I realize now that the design of missing friends and attachment to memories is really me as a mind trying to preserve my characters / personalities that I enjoyed. The positive experiences of myself in a certain context. To get stuck in the past, to fear loss / letting go of my personal memories with my friends, is me wanting to preserve a part of myself as a particular personality and experience of myself.
This is silly. Not only does it take away from my creative powers that are here as me building myself by adapting to my immediate environment in a way that is best for all, but I'm also fighting to save an energetic layer of myself. This energy is a personality character that I created in my head and lived out in a social environment. It's an illusion that I built and lived, and thus validated. And when this version of me loses it's momentum, when the social and environmental stimulation no longer feeds it, I'm going through this feeling of loss.
When and as I see myself longing to be in the past, in a memory with specific individuals, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this past scenario will never again happen just the same. I commit myself to flag this self-compromising form of nostalgia and releasing my attachments to it through investigating it and speaking/writing specific self-forgiveness.
When and as I see myself desiring to relive a moment of favorable, past interaction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, and my life can only be lived to it's utmost potential in this moment. I commit myself to realigning myself with hereness, with breath, whenever I see myself day dreaming in the past.
This process has to happen. I can't allow myself to define myself based on energetic personality interactions, and go my whole life from within a perspective of self-interest and experience seeking. At what cost is "fun"? To think about the many that can't afford fun, the many that die and will die because of world systemic inefficiency, and then to also be aware of how I can make a difference with a bit of hard work...and then still just sit around wanting to feel good...no.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good while being ignorant of my ignorance is bliss stance.
I know what is at stake. To live here and not support what is best for all is going out of style. The quicker we all educate ourselves on our individual responsibility to support what's best for the whole, the sooner we can all start living a dignified life. Research and support the BIG solution (example). This is our shot. The window of opportunity is a moment where you make a choice. Investigate who you are within that. Why did you go this route? Where do your priorities lie? How much longer can you justify regrettable pursuits? Aha! Hehe.
To all my college friends: I cherish and honor you all. Thank you for the range of experiences. Enjoyable to educational. My only regret is trying impress you. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than you and trying to disprove my self-doubt with a multifaceted facade of personalities that truly aren't who I am. The consequences of living to present myself in a certain way had unforeseen consequences. Thank your for the memories that I will always have and be able to work with in my journey of self-discovery. I commit myself to waste no more time trying to relive old personalities. I commit myself to further investigating the intent/motivations of my self-made energetic characters. You will be able to read it all here.
Thank you.
Day 321 - Each new moment following
What's cool is how I've got a firm grasp on how to refocus myself before going into a delay time-loop that could potentially cycle throughout the whole day. The tools are known, and I know how to use them to stop a resistance energy and refocus on my responsibilities.
What lies ahead is my steadfast application of these tools in every moment of recognition of an energetic personality take over. These personalities vary. I will interchangeably use the word 'personality' with 'character' until further notice. To exemplify how different characters come into play: I write now with a voice/tone that is different than perhaps yesterday or even the first paragraph. One of my favorite writing aspects is being able to capture this writing voice and reference it in the future and relate the experience of myself then to how I experienced myself now.
A few reasons why I would switch into different personalities:
- watching a movie = adopting some characteristics of the main characters portrayed
- at home with family = high comfort zone, well established relationships
- with friends = same as family with variations like more and less comfortability in specific dimensions
- with strangers / potential friends = shyness, desiring positive relationship / fearing negative judgement
- with a girl = similar as above, but there is more to gain/lose (shyness amplified)
All of these points of entry into different personalities must and will be investigated. Yesterday, I had a break through with my lethargic personality - recognized the energy, and in a moment stopped my participation within it just long enough to apply vocal self-forgiveness, followed by self-directive statements.
My goal remains to stabilize all personalities into a singularity. How? Why?
Because in every moment that I activate a particular personality, I have lost awareness of my one true character that is here in the physical. This one true character is a person with whom I have a severely underdeveloped relationship. My primary characters activate in certain social situations, and while alone, for various reasons typically pertaining to desire and fear from a self-interested perspective. The relationship to these characters are strengthened through a life of learning them and participating within them. I no longer accept and allow myself to go through life with an unstable world view, causing consequences in my life and the lives around me.
I will take on each and every character, until it is done. And with the one personality, I choose to support what is best, for myself and all other lifeforms that are in existence. It's an unregrettable decision. The how to accomplish this factor is the real feat. How does one go about learning how they've been living within predesigned, coded personalities, and then willingly reprogram self? This can be answered through investigating the message of Desteni. It's takes some time to acclimate and assess what is being said because 'self' as a programmed set of personalities has no time to question self. Cracking the ego code is not for the faint of heart. Most other groups in the self-realization category appeal to the ego. That's not self-honest. Study what is self-honesty. It is the concept that's going to change the world.
I challenge myself to continue with a steadfast self-honesty, to in each new moment following, no longer accept and allow energy to determine how I lead my life.
I am - here - I stand
to support self in actualizing what is best for all.
I challenge myself to continue with a steadfast self-honesty, to in each new moment following, no longer accept and allow energy to determine how I lead my life.
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| cc |
I am - here - I stand
to support self in actualizing what is best for all.
Day 310 - Splurge Time
I create a feeling of being able to splurge a little with my time whenever I've "been good." Kind of like a dietary splurge when one has been eating healthy, why not treat oneself to a little cheat-treat? It's a form of self-deception and it adds up more than I had realized thus far.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's ok to justify my resistance toward work and being productive after I have accomplished something.
A form of this came up today with my friend. We both agreed that we experience some kind of "I'm spent" and unable to do anything more after a day of work. It's a creation in my head. It probably stems back to when I was rewarded for being good as a child. I formed a habit of expectation. And it's even interesting to take a step back and look the design of reward after going through something undesirable. Instead of investigating the relationship toward the undesirable object (i.e. work, vegetables) and releasing that system, it appears that I've been conditioned to rather cover up my negative experience and forget about it by moving into a positive experience (i.e. video game, ice cream) for a moment. And then on to the next moment until the pattern repeats again. Silly human tendency.
My relationship to sugar will need extensive investigation. There will be a bit of overlap here, as sometimes I use food/sweets as a time related distraction, but my focus is on how I let myself be overly unproductive through justification of needing to balance/reward being productive with my time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define productivity through/as a positive charge that requires energy and a polarity out flow of negatively charged laziness/relaxation. There is an underlying dynamic that is interesting where productivity has a negative charge on it, making it hard to bring myself to this state vs. the polarity positive charge on lazy/relaxation/ease. So, there is a polarity balance within productivity alone, as well as lazy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that I am maintaining charges on these words 'productivity' and 'lazy' that are cycling through polarity and manifesting as experiential cycles that cause friction and conflict within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'lazy/relaxation' - instead of relaxing being simply that which it is - without a mental desire/avoidance mechanism in place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be lazy because I perceive it as easy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the easy life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see being lazy or relaxing as 'bad', as this is utilized by me to feel guilt or judge myself for not being 'good', effectively perpetuating the cycle of internal friction and conflict = no self-change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'productivity' - instead of seeing productivity simply as a necessary part of life to get stuff done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be productive because then I will be rewarded.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see productivity only in contrast to the positive reward, as something that I must to be able to move forward. In this, I have externalized my motivation and removed myself from the sole driver of me as being self-responsible, and in that productive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in a reward cycle, losing awareness of time in the context of the day and what else I can or should be doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say/think "just one more round" without realizing the design of perpetuating my abdication of my responsibility for myself, here in every moment.
When and as I see myself fighting with myself to get motivated and productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I'm in an internal polarity conflict because I have energetically charged who I am in relation to work. I commit myself to assist and support myself in becoming aware of how I have created myself in relation to productivity as difficult and relaxation as reward. This system is not helping me to be as effective as I can be.
When and as I see myself delaying work or maintaining distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have an ultimate responsibility for myself and my decisions within every moment. I commit myself to acknowledging that I am unable to divert, avoid, or excuse myself from the consequences that will ensue from me not wanting to take responsibility for myself here. *Here = one moment and all moments.
I commit myself to realizing the significance of what is here and who I am in relation to whatever is here. This is who I am. I am defined by my relationships, and yet I allow them to flow out from my past, and blame my past an the people that have shaped me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others, and not always recognize my self-responsibility for the entirety of myself within what is here. This being my past/present creating my future. I am responsible for this process even though it appears automated and uncontrollable.
I commit myself to continue investigating my automation AND taking responsibility for it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's ok to justify my resistance toward work and being productive after I have accomplished something.
A form of this came up today with my friend. We both agreed that we experience some kind of "I'm spent" and unable to do anything more after a day of work. It's a creation in my head. It probably stems back to when I was rewarded for being good as a child. I formed a habit of expectation. And it's even interesting to take a step back and look the design of reward after going through something undesirable. Instead of investigating the relationship toward the undesirable object (i.e. work, vegetables) and releasing that system, it appears that I've been conditioned to rather cover up my negative experience and forget about it by moving into a positive experience (i.e. video game, ice cream) for a moment. And then on to the next moment until the pattern repeats again. Silly human tendency.
My relationship to sugar will need extensive investigation. There will be a bit of overlap here, as sometimes I use food/sweets as a time related distraction, but my focus is on how I let myself be overly unproductive through justification of needing to balance/reward being productive with my time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define productivity through/as a positive charge that requires energy and a polarity out flow of negatively charged laziness/relaxation. There is an underlying dynamic that is interesting where productivity has a negative charge on it, making it hard to bring myself to this state vs. the polarity positive charge on lazy/relaxation/ease. So, there is a polarity balance within productivity alone, as well as lazy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that I am maintaining charges on these words 'productivity' and 'lazy' that are cycling through polarity and manifesting as experiential cycles that cause friction and conflict within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'lazy/relaxation' - instead of relaxing being simply that which it is - without a mental desire/avoidance mechanism in place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be lazy because I perceive it as easy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the easy life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see being lazy or relaxing as 'bad', as this is utilized by me to feel guilt or judge myself for not being 'good', effectively perpetuating the cycle of internal friction and conflict = no self-change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'productivity' - instead of seeing productivity simply as a necessary part of life to get stuff done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be productive because then I will be rewarded.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see productivity only in contrast to the positive reward, as something that I must to be able to move forward. In this, I have externalized my motivation and removed myself from the sole driver of me as being self-responsible, and in that productive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in a reward cycle, losing awareness of time in the context of the day and what else I can or should be doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say/think "just one more round" without realizing the design of perpetuating my abdication of my responsibility for myself, here in every moment.
When and as I see myself fighting with myself to get motivated and productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I'm in an internal polarity conflict because I have energetically charged who I am in relation to work. I commit myself to assist and support myself in becoming aware of how I have created myself in relation to productivity as difficult and relaxation as reward. This system is not helping me to be as effective as I can be.
When and as I see myself delaying work or maintaining distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have an ultimate responsibility for myself and my decisions within every moment. I commit myself to acknowledging that I am unable to divert, avoid, or excuse myself from the consequences that will ensue from me not wanting to take responsibility for myself here. *Here = one moment and all moments.
I commit myself to realizing the significance of what is here and who I am in relation to whatever is here. This is who I am. I am defined by my relationships, and yet I allow them to flow out from my past, and blame my past an the people that have shaped me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others, and not always recognize my self-responsibility for the entirety of myself within what is here. This being my past/present creating my future. I am responsible for this process even though it appears automated and uncontrollable.
I commit myself to continue investigating my automation AND taking responsibility for it.
Day 302 - I Process Competition
...is unacceptable.
Recently, a friend of mine started her Journey To Life blog (Breathe), and I am continually impressed. The writing is thorough and honest. My problem is how I am comparing myself, and the mental processes that come from that are utter self-sabotage and in no way supportive for self or other as what's best for all. My ego has revealing itself repeatedly, and I can no longer allow myself to suppress this design of wanting to be more/better than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another in the individual process of self-realization, self-responsibility, and self-honesty otherwise known as the Desteni I Process, with the intent to measure and weigh my effectiveness in my own process - treating it as a race.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I see another human being is doing well / better than I, by wanting to "one up" and do even better myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this desire to "one up" another so that I do not even see, realize or understand my motivation surge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-motivated to give my absolute / unconditional best effort for myself within my individual process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the energy play of competition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the creating a energetic game of competition in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I take on this orientation / perspective / relationship toward another, I am also motivated to see them do worse / fail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish, greedy and competitive, while holding the concept of what's Best for All on a pedestal instead of as a working principle to live into reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my personal responsibility to embody and live the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather support myself within an illusion that this process is a race because I find it easier to measure my value by comparison instead of within utter self-honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the spoken word to portray myself in a way that doesn't carry over into my living application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special, and thus react when this is threatened by reconstructing my perception and/or changing my behavior to prove myself as more/greater than.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this human race baggage into my process and not realize it by judging it as 'bad' and thus suppressing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I suppress what I think is bad so I do not have to face it and change. It is my mind trying to preserve the familiar program. This is not who I am and I do not allow this any longer.
This, specifically being the act of hiding what I don't want to see, to remain within my predictable, reaction relationships to others and my environment. To be self-honest is to not allow exactly this mental behavior. I realize it is a process, a process I commit myself to walking to completion regardless of how fast or slowly others move in their own process. My motivation comes from myself, here, wanting what is best for all.
When and as I see myself hiding my motivations from myself and/or others, I stop I breathe. I realize that NO ONE benefits when I allow shameful motivations to run rampant within me. I commit myself to investigate these points that I fear revealing. First to myself. Walk it through in writing. Understand self's motivations. Where they come from. Breathe. Forgive. Let it go. This fear is not required to live. This fear is in fact standing in my way from effectively applying what is best for all, as shown here today.
When and as I see myself comparing my effectiveness within DIP to how others are doing from an ego stance, I stop I breathe. I realize that no matter how this pursuit ends, my starting point isn't best for all, and so my result is not best for all. I commit myself to really breathing and considering what will yield a best case scenario for all participants.
I commit myself to learn from others and apply myself more effectively in my own process. In doing this, I can encourage others to also apply themselves more effectively. The design of this is similar to competition, but the motivation is stable as self doing what's best for self and all always, and the desire to undermine, cheat, compromise another being in their individual process is nonexistent. Best for all is incredibly better than pure self-interest, and become more and more apparent as I understand and let go of my personal fears that define me and separate me from my neighbors.
I commit myself to mapping my ego. This would be a fun self-directed project to see myself. I'll publish it here, so stay tuned!
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see my ego comparison / competition thought activation. I realize this is not me as life. This is my uncompassionate self-centered personality. Flag point it. I am here, committed to supporting myself as life as an inherent expression of what's best for all, and I will not continue to race with other humans.
Time is ticking. It's silly to waste it in an ego mind game that isn't real. This silly notion that I am special and need to constantly fight to prove it is not worth my effort. We are all special, so none is special. The question is: who is willing to put in the effort? Which means the real question is: Why don't I put in maximum effort? Much more journey to come.
Recently, a friend of mine started her Journey To Life blog (Breathe), and I am continually impressed. The writing is thorough and honest. My problem is how I am comparing myself, and the mental processes that come from that are utter self-sabotage and in no way supportive for self or other as what's best for all. My ego has revealing itself repeatedly, and I can no longer allow myself to suppress this design of wanting to be more/better than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another in the individual process of self-realization, self-responsibility, and self-honesty otherwise known as the Desteni I Process, with the intent to measure and weigh my effectiveness in my own process - treating it as a race.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I see another human being is doing well / better than I, by wanting to "one up" and do even better myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this desire to "one up" another so that I do not even see, realize or understand my motivation surge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-motivated to give my absolute / unconditional best effort for myself within my individual process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the energy play of competition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the creating a energetic game of competition in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I take on this orientation / perspective / relationship toward another, I am also motivated to see them do worse / fail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish, greedy and competitive, while holding the concept of what's Best for All on a pedestal instead of as a working principle to live into reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my personal responsibility to embody and live the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather support myself within an illusion that this process is a race because I find it easier to measure my value by comparison instead of within utter self-honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the spoken word to portray myself in a way that doesn't carry over into my living application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special, and thus react when this is threatened by reconstructing my perception and/or changing my behavior to prove myself as more/greater than.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this human race baggage into my process and not realize it by judging it as 'bad' and thus suppressing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I suppress what I think is bad so I do not have to face it and change. It is my mind trying to preserve the familiar program. This is not who I am and I do not allow this any longer.
This, specifically being the act of hiding what I don't want to see, to remain within my predictable, reaction relationships to others and my environment. To be self-honest is to not allow exactly this mental behavior. I realize it is a process, a process I commit myself to walking to completion regardless of how fast or slowly others move in their own process. My motivation comes from myself, here, wanting what is best for all.
When and as I see myself hiding my motivations from myself and/or others, I stop I breathe. I realize that NO ONE benefits when I allow shameful motivations to run rampant within me. I commit myself to investigate these points that I fear revealing. First to myself. Walk it through in writing. Understand self's motivations. Where they come from. Breathe. Forgive. Let it go. This fear is not required to live. This fear is in fact standing in my way from effectively applying what is best for all, as shown here today.
When and as I see myself comparing my effectiveness within DIP to how others are doing from an ego stance, I stop I breathe. I realize that no matter how this pursuit ends, my starting point isn't best for all, and so my result is not best for all. I commit myself to really breathing and considering what will yield a best case scenario for all participants.
I commit myself to learn from others and apply myself more effectively in my own process. In doing this, I can encourage others to also apply themselves more effectively. The design of this is similar to competition, but the motivation is stable as self doing what's best for self and all always, and the desire to undermine, cheat, compromise another being in their individual process is nonexistent. Best for all is incredibly better than pure self-interest, and become more and more apparent as I understand and let go of my personal fears that define me and separate me from my neighbors.
I commit myself to mapping my ego. This would be a fun self-directed project to see myself. I'll publish it here, so stay tuned!
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see my ego comparison / competition thought activation. I realize this is not me as life. This is my uncompassionate self-centered personality. Flag point it. I am here, committed to supporting myself as life as an inherent expression of what's best for all, and I will not continue to race with other humans.
Time is ticking. It's silly to waste it in an ego mind game that isn't real. This silly notion that I am special and need to constantly fight to prove it is not worth my effort. We are all special, so none is special. The question is: who is willing to put in the effort? Which means the real question is: Why don't I put in maximum effort? Much more journey to come.
Day 299 - Doing one thing, Thinking about another
Elaborating with an example: Here I am. Thinking about the near future. Why? I don't trust my future self, I am uncomfortable with uncertainty, I am worried/anxious, and it can be a source of motivation for the initial movement from here.
These are the initial justifications that come up supporting separation. Lacking self-trust, relationship with uncertainty, anxious/worried, and practical motivation. It's interesting to look at it now and see all the different movements, whereas in the past when I've seen myself doing one thing and thinking another, I would just focus on that practical motivation justification and dismiss the investigation with "well I must think about what I'm doing next." I realize now that many of my wandering journeys into thought are brought into motion by deep seated personality dynamics that I've spent little to no time investigating. So if I don't want to be a particular personality that manifests from a subconscious layer, I must give myself the time to map that personality and discover the inner workings of it/me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the totality of myself behind a single justification and not realize it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emphasize and stop at the contemplative solution that makes sense and requires no further effort or self-change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I can't give up my daydreaming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to think about the future because if I do not, then I will do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I can accomplish what is already on my to do list, given that I have allowed myself enough time to do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am worried and anxious when I begin thinking about what I will do later on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the uncertainty I have of myself, my direction in the future, and what that implies: abdication of self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to know everything now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know and control my future now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope I will do what I want to do, instead of realizing my responsibility to practically do that I want to do.
When and as I see myself justifying a personality or opinion that I have about myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may very well be missing something when I sense myself in fight/argument mode with myself. I commit myself to checking myself to see if I am emotionally invested in a contemplative solution, and if so, breathe and check myself again within self-honesty.
When and as I see myself thinking about what I have to do today from an anxious state of mind, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here right now, and I will be able to appropriately direct myself within a task when the time comes. I commit myself to spending time with myself here in this moment, to face me in self-honesty.
When and as I see myself worried about my ability to accomplish the tasks of my future, I stop I breathe. I realize that to frantically try to walk all the steps of my future tasks in my head instead of enjoying my breakfast, for example, is a futile waste of energy. I commit myself to breathe myself back to the moment here, and take a practical stance to assess how I will need to structure my day / budget my time.
Each of these components will need to be minded. I commit myself to watching myself keenly when and as I see myself in thought in separation of the moment here. This is going to be an interesting sub-journey, as I've long thought it impossible to stop thinking / worrying about my immediate future. Challenge accepted. Game on. Come at me Mind! Show me what you're made of! :)
picture from here
Day 262 - DIP Lite Spot: Am I Special or Am I Not
I'd like to start off by sharing how great my experience with DIP Lite has been. I starting walking it along side the regular Desteni I Process and find it to be a awesome source of additional support. No matter what you're doing or where you're at in your life, I wholeheartedly recommend this free online course to learn about effective self-support through writing.
After my blog post yesterday (Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?), I continued to expand on the fear of failure point within DIP Lite because my writing prompt tied in so nicely. Below, I've included a screen shot of what it's like to be on the inside of one of the modules. (Step 2 does not ask to place SF and commitment statements, I just felt like doing it) Click the image to go to the main webpage for the course!
In my life, I've noticed that the inferiority fear was the primary point that I reacted to in an interpersonal interaction. I've found that my desire to be more/greater was like a blinding self-interest, and I was simply not very considerate of others. In fact, for most of my life I've only cared about others as far as it involved me. If I didn't see the benefit to self, then I wouldn't really care. I was an asshole at times for certain.
It's interesting how this egocentrism has its root in being afraid of being less, unimportant, insignificant. Within upholding this self definition of being special, there is a desire to want to progress really fast. I even put on my resume "fast learner" haha. Identifying as a fast learner kind of implies that I am smart, better, more able than the average learner. Letting this self-belief go unchecked has more consequences than one would casually consider. I'll expand more on this fast learner character tomorrow.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider what directly affects me and solely benefits me in self-interest when interacting with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've sabotaged many relationships by considering only myself within the belief that "I am special and matter more than others."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is difficult to be one and equal with everyone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can learn how to act in alignment with oneness and equality faster than others, not realizing that I want to maintain superiority within myself.
When and as I see myself within a "I am special" state of ego where my equal and one consideration for others is nonexistent, I stop I breathe. I realize how I am abusing my relationships with others to suit my positive self-image. I commit myself to flag point the times when I come off as rude, harsh, or just plain inconsiderate toward others to stop, breathe and check who I am in relation to another.
When and as I myself complacently being mean to degrading toward others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am within a state of negativity that I do not even realize, and that breathing application is essential to bring myself back into a stable, considerate self. I commit myself to no longer allow myself to just go with it after I realize my superiority complex at play. I commit myself to change who I am in relation to another even if it might seem weird that I change my character mid-interaction with another.
When and as I myself justifying my superiority/specialness character with "ahh, it's too hard to change and humble myself," I stop I breathe. I realize it's as simple as that. I commit myself to flagpoint every moment I tell myself that I can't change, step down, humble myself for any reason (I.e. embarrassment, shame, anything that could deteriorate my reputation and specialness), so that I may investigate where I am still holding onto a pattern of personality that is strictly self-interested.
When and as I see myself attempting to hold onto superiority through being special, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is nothing wrong with having a superior skill set, but if I subscribe to the illusion that I am superior in ways that are not valid, that's not chill. I commit myself to educating myself in reality and stop thinking that I know everything already. BS. Will continue with this point tomorrow.
Thanks for reading :)
Day 198 - Embarrassed to Breathe?
Sounds silly, and yet I have identified this in me in small ways. Sometimes as backchat, sometimes as internal judgment of myself as some twisted excuse to remain in the mind. I remember this thought came up when I first started exploring Desteni: "...but other people will hear me breathing differently than normal." Haha. And I even have some fringe memory of worrying about my breathing pattern when I was conscious of it back in my younger years. Ooo, this is interesting.
When I was conscious of my breath, I would fear judgement as well as judge it myself: The way it sounds. "Is it normal?" "Will other notice me?" Fear of not fitting in. Fear of standing out.
Oh snap! This is crazy. I've defined myself throughout my years in school from the starting point of wanting to fit in and not stand out. From the moment of my breath, these were the first and foremost fears that came to mind, and through accepting and allowing that fear to direct me, I created some of my primary personalities throughout my social interactions over the past 15+ years. These still exist today.
Well, I've discovered some interesting realizations by examining my relationship toward my breath throughout time. This all started when I was in yoga noticing how loud my ujjayi breath was because my nose is a bit stuffed up. I decided that I should open up my fear of judgement in relation to my breathing, and I'm glad I did. I'll certainly be investigating these key-player characters as I move forward within my breathing purification process. For now I breathe and bring my focus back to this one point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by the way that I breathe.
As breathing is my expression of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to what others think of me, and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing what I think is my accepted version of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear loosing positive or potentially positive judgement by simply breathing and being myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change because I have defined myself externally by placing primary importance on projected self-judgement. Within this, I also forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize the starting point of self-judgement and projected self-judgement as fear of non acceptance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear simply expressing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to fit in and be/breathe a certain way to fit in or be liked by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that who I am as my breath is not normal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I could be rejected for breathing and being myself here.
--
When and as I see myself departing from my breath into a thought in relation to being accepted as my breathing expression, I stop and I again breathe. I realize that the doubt that others care about my breath is silly, and even more importantly, the fear that they might care must be disintegrated. I commit myself to disintegrating my fear of self-honest expression as who I am simply breathing.
When and as I see myself feeling embarrassment, I stop I breathe. I realize that behind embarrassment is a fear of loss construct that is based on defining myself in separation of myself. I commit myself to using embarrassment as a flag point tool to investigate where I have separated my self-definition from myself here.
When ans as I see myself in fear or worry about how others will perceive my breathing, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are rudimentary fears that have been compounded and deeply integrated into my being over years of participation. I commit myself to investigating the characters of myself that I have exposed today.
When and as I see myself trying to fit into a particular group with a certain set of accepted behaviors, I stop I breathe. I realize the question of whether or not it is appropriate to be considering how I am coming off to others. I commit myself to stopping the unreasonable moments of fear separation, and within this to allow myself to act according to what will effectively produce a best for all scenario outflow.
Thanks for reading.
When I was conscious of my breath, I would fear judgement as well as judge it myself: The way it sounds. "Is it normal?" "Will other notice me?" Fear of not fitting in. Fear of standing out.
Oh snap! This is crazy. I've defined myself throughout my years in school from the starting point of wanting to fit in and not stand out. From the moment of my breath, these were the first and foremost fears that came to mind, and through accepting and allowing that fear to direct me, I created some of my primary personalities throughout my social interactions over the past 15+ years. These still exist today.
Well, I've discovered some interesting realizations by examining my relationship toward my breath throughout time. This all started when I was in yoga noticing how loud my ujjayi breath was because my nose is a bit stuffed up. I decided that I should open up my fear of judgement in relation to my breathing, and I'm glad I did. I'll certainly be investigating these key-player characters as I move forward within my breathing purification process. For now I breathe and bring my focus back to this one point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by the way that I breathe.
As breathing is my expression of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to what others think of me, and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing what I think is my accepted version of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear loosing positive or potentially positive judgement by simply breathing and being myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change because I have defined myself externally by placing primary importance on projected self-judgement. Within this, I also forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize the starting point of self-judgement and projected self-judgement as fear of non acceptance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear simply expressing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to fit in and be/breathe a certain way to fit in or be liked by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that who I am as my breath is not normal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I could be rejected for breathing and being myself here.
--
When and as I see myself departing from my breath into a thought in relation to being accepted as my breathing expression, I stop and I again breathe. I realize that the doubt that others care about my breath is silly, and even more importantly, the fear that they might care must be disintegrated. I commit myself to disintegrating my fear of self-honest expression as who I am simply breathing.
When and as I see myself feeling embarrassment, I stop I breathe. I realize that behind embarrassment is a fear of loss construct that is based on defining myself in separation of myself. I commit myself to using embarrassment as a flag point tool to investigate where I have separated my self-definition from myself here.
When ans as I see myself in fear or worry about how others will perceive my breathing, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are rudimentary fears that have been compounded and deeply integrated into my being over years of participation. I commit myself to investigating the characters of myself that I have exposed today.
When and as I see myself trying to fit into a particular group with a certain set of accepted behaviors, I stop I breathe. I realize the question of whether or not it is appropriate to be considering how I am coming off to others. I commit myself to stopping the unreasonable moments of fear separation, and within this to allow myself to act according to what will effectively produce a best for all scenario outflow.
Thanks for reading.
Day 193 - Relating toward Desteni versus Self
Yesterday, I found an interesting point that I had long ago brushed aside: My relationship toward Desteni. As the material and the group of people, I have not been standing as a stable point of self within it. No.
Instead, I decided that I was in (referring to this review). I knew that pursuing this knowledge, and more importantly, the understanding of oneness and equality was the only courageous option. If I tried to ignore the group and this message, I couldn't shake the feeling of running with fear into ignorance. All the while, I had kept my distance by participating on the fringe, and mostly lurking around the forums: I'll call this my information gathering stage.
Within this stage of Destonian Development, I had most certainly created a relationship between Desteni and myself. Only now did the point resurface while further investigating my delay character. I realize that by maintaining my relationship toward the group, I placed me in separation of them, and through this separation, was creating a point of external motivation to get my process done. This was causing resistance within delay, similar to the design of delay in relation to my school work as I exposed yesterday.
Andrew's Vlog, here, helped me to understand a few things: 1. My process is really just ME doing self-discovery, and 2. I need to start Vlogging! haha. Thanks for the support Mr. Gable.
This point of bringing my process back to self, for self seems like a big one, yet it's rather quite simple. Self, living here with self, or Self in relation to what's here from the conceptual starting point of self elsewhere. By this, I mean I have created "self" in my head that relates to everything in my life. This is deeper than I originally thought. Stay focused Dan.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Desteni within a knowledge & information consumption-relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how Desteni stands as a point of support for self to walk self out of the mind, for self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about who I am in relation to Desteni and in relationship toward the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of myself alone, walking process for me alone, while supporting others in their lonely journey. Their 'only' journey.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bigger than life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be bigger than life, instead of realizing myself one and equal as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a relationship with life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've created relationships to externalized points through a process of of holding "myself" in separation of myself, where I am in my imagination and relating to the world from there.
--
When and as I see myself abdicating my responsibility to get my process done for me alone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must by in a relationship within my mind toward a physical/external point. I commit myself to flag pointing resistance toward work to check for additional points of relationship formation where self is not the starting point for self.
When and as I see myself in my mind's eye, relating toward my physical environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process of realizing self as All, one and equal, will take time and with persistence, I will gradually understand my source of motivation as self with all life. I commit myself to recognizing where I am in relationships toward anything or anyone to see how I've defined myself in separation and walk my process accordingly.
When and as I see myself walking process for others first, I stop I breathe. I remember that I am only public within all of this for the benefit of others and for self through feedback; however, I am first and foremost writing self to freedom for self. This is my goal. I commit myself to purifying my relationship with Desteni so that it exists as an establishment of support for all & me, not as something greater or bigger than life in any way.
I commit myself to ending my starting point of self elsewhere, to stop relating to everything around me within my imagination. One step at a time, I investigate myself for me. Simply so.
Instead, I decided that I was in (referring to this review). I knew that pursuing this knowledge, and more importantly, the understanding of oneness and equality was the only courageous option. If I tried to ignore the group and this message, I couldn't shake the feeling of running with fear into ignorance. All the while, I had kept my distance by participating on the fringe, and mostly lurking around the forums: I'll call this my information gathering stage.
Within this stage of Destonian Development, I had most certainly created a relationship between Desteni and myself. Only now did the point resurface while further investigating my delay character. I realize that by maintaining my relationship toward the group, I placed me in separation of them, and through this separation, was creating a point of external motivation to get my process done. This was causing resistance within delay, similar to the design of delay in relation to my school work as I exposed yesterday.
Andrew's Vlog, here, helped me to understand a few things: 1. My process is really just ME doing self-discovery, and 2. I need to start Vlogging! haha. Thanks for the support Mr. Gable.
This point of bringing my process back to self, for self seems like a big one, yet it's rather quite simple. Self, living here with self, or Self in relation to what's here from the conceptual starting point of self elsewhere. By this, I mean I have created "self" in my head that relates to everything in my life. This is deeper than I originally thought. Stay focused Dan.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Desteni within a knowledge & information consumption-relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how Desteni stands as a point of support for self to walk self out of the mind, for self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about who I am in relation to Desteni and in relationship toward the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of myself alone, walking process for me alone, while supporting others in their lonely journey. Their 'only' journey.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bigger than life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be bigger than life, instead of realizing myself one and equal as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a relationship with life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've created relationships to externalized points through a process of of holding "myself" in separation of myself, where I am in my imagination and relating to the world from there.
--
When and as I see myself abdicating my responsibility to get my process done for me alone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must by in a relationship within my mind toward a physical/external point. I commit myself to flag pointing resistance toward work to check for additional points of relationship formation where self is not the starting point for self.
When and as I see myself in my mind's eye, relating toward my physical environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process of realizing self as All, one and equal, will take time and with persistence, I will gradually understand my source of motivation as self with all life. I commit myself to recognizing where I am in relationships toward anything or anyone to see how I've defined myself in separation and walk my process accordingly.
When and as I see myself walking process for others first, I stop I breathe. I remember that I am only public within all of this for the benefit of others and for self through feedback; however, I am first and foremost writing self to freedom for self. This is my goal. I commit myself to purifying my relationship with Desteni so that it exists as an establishment of support for all & me, not as something greater or bigger than life in any way.
I commit myself to ending my starting point of self elsewhere, to stop relating to everything around me within my imagination. One step at a time, I investigate myself for me. Simply so.
Day 137 - Fear: Not cool enough to get the girl
Related to:
Day 136 - Self-Interested Assistance
Day 25 - The social appeaser
I have a memory of mentally constructing this perspective: I have to be cool/funny to be liked and get the girl that I like. It happened in elementary school while I observed the general social gravitation towards the "cool" kids. Why were they cool? I think it was about the easy goingness, kind of a relaxed funny. And then of course once the group of cool friends were support each others' coolness, it was done. It was valid that they were cool. The "in crowd" was like a machine that supported itself, where the 'kinda cool' kids wanted to be accepted, so they respected the cooler kids. At the top you had 2-4 kids (in the classroom) that were friends and accepted the "kinda cool kids" friendship as they supported their position at the top. It made sense that girls would also gravitate toward the coolest boys because they benefit their egos by associating with the coolest of boys and through the validation from the other girls for doing so, maybe in the form of jealousy or praise. Girls, especially the pretty ones, had social pressure/expectation from other girls to obtain relationships with the cooler boys. Of course this is just a simple one-dimensional insight that I drew when I was pretty young, and it lead to the defining decision to become as cool as I can be, so I can have a better choice/selection of women that would be interested in me.
The design: have more, cooler male friends to increase power/status for the primary purpose of attracting the more attractive women. And I suppose it makes sense also that women become as attractive as they can be to attract the most powerful/successful and good looking men. This program lasted throughout school and college, and now I'm going to pick it apart and forgive it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how I will express myself in this world based on how I can increase my cool factor - as looks/hairstyle, types of friends I associate with, ability to make others laugh and feel comfortable - where I have, through this, chosen to limit my expression to only what others will likely like, causing me to be uncomfortable within fear/doubt of nonacceptance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will not accept me, not realizing this fear if based in the polarity of my desire to be at the top of the social latter.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to be at the top of the social latter because of the insecurity I allowed myself to exist as in the form of a reoccurring thought that I will not be liked by the girls that I like.
Haha, there is a lot opening up here. This point is more heavily participated in than I initially realized. In all of my relationships to women, the focus was on getting to be with them....oh crap. I defined and lived as a character/personality that once satisfied with the energy as attention from women, the system would calm down and I would be looking onwards to the next challenge of acceptance. Almost like a fear addiction I realize that I am afraid of not being able to continually overcome that fear of rejection...
Ohhhhh K! This is a problem. I've always just seen it as simply liking the initial part of relationships, you know, with the butterflies and uncertainty. There are so many dimensions to this character that I can't keep my head from spinning right now.
Breathe.
I was listening to this series of interviews by this being, Lily, and right now, I can see that I am needing to stick to just one point, as much as my mind wants to take me everywhere, and walk it through to completion. I definitely recommend this product for getting an understanding the process of writing the mind out with self-forgiveness. Check it out at EQAFE: Self Awareness Steps for the Elite pt.1. Your purchase will be highly self-supportive, as well as supportive to me and all life equally.
Bringing it back:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire personality design, wherein I never gave myself a chance to simply be myself because I allowed myself to fear that I wasn't cool enough to be with the girl/s that I liked. I can see a circle here: I want the girl to validate that I am cool enough to be with the girl...so when I get the girl, I am validated, and ready to move on as I climb higher towards the elusive/imagined top of the social latter as defined by ultimate acceptance/power/influence and of course the most beautiful/perfect woman in the world.
HA.ha.
I'll be continuing with this point in depth over time now that I see it. For now, I'll continue with some corrective applications..
When and as I see myself desiring to be with a woman for the sake of validating my ability to get her, I stop I breathe. I realize that this character is supporting a limited, self-serving time-loop where I do not consider, at all, how I can make the world at large a better place.
I commit myself to self-respect, so that I no longer come from a place that needs to be validated by a women. Within this, I realize that without self-respect, I am not respecting the woman as an equal citizen of the earth, and rather just a means to charge my mental system: validation-insecurity
When and as I see myself in self-doubt, I stop I breathe. I realize now that this is a creation of my mind within and as a fear orientation toward self. I commit myself to further investigation of how and why I have chosen to live through this character that needs validation from the starting point of fear...fear of loss...fear of losing the girl of my dreams.
I commit myself to stopping this character within and as me.
I commit myself to stopping this character that seeks to be cooler for the end purpose of obtaining the most beautiful woman that I can.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to settle for a girl that I don't really like. Ha. This is a key driving force. I commit myself to breathing and walking out of my sick mind so that I may contribute as a one and equal participant in supporting global oneness and equality.
Thanks for reading. I know it was a long one...and it's not over yet. If this post resonated with you and you're not already destonian: Join us in walking self-honesty, if you dare to expose the characters you are responsible for creating (publicly is optional; just exposing self to self is quite a journey).
Day 136 - Self-Interested Assistance
Day 25 - The social appeaser
I have a memory of mentally constructing this perspective: I have to be cool/funny to be liked and get the girl that I like. It happened in elementary school while I observed the general social gravitation towards the "cool" kids. Why were they cool? I think it was about the easy goingness, kind of a relaxed funny. And then of course once the group of cool friends were support each others' coolness, it was done. It was valid that they were cool. The "in crowd" was like a machine that supported itself, where the 'kinda cool' kids wanted to be accepted, so they respected the cooler kids. At the top you had 2-4 kids (in the classroom) that were friends and accepted the "kinda cool kids" friendship as they supported their position at the top. It made sense that girls would also gravitate toward the coolest boys because they benefit their egos by associating with the coolest of boys and through the validation from the other girls for doing so, maybe in the form of jealousy or praise. Girls, especially the pretty ones, had social pressure/expectation from other girls to obtain relationships with the cooler boys. Of course this is just a simple one-dimensional insight that I drew when I was pretty young, and it lead to the defining decision to become as cool as I can be, so I can have a better choice/selection of women that would be interested in me.
The design: have more, cooler male friends to increase power/status for the primary purpose of attracting the more attractive women. And I suppose it makes sense also that women become as attractive as they can be to attract the most powerful/successful and good looking men. This program lasted throughout school and college, and now I'm going to pick it apart and forgive it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how I will express myself in this world based on how I can increase my cool factor - as looks/hairstyle, types of friends I associate with, ability to make others laugh and feel comfortable - where I have, through this, chosen to limit my expression to only what others will likely like, causing me to be uncomfortable within fear/doubt of nonacceptance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will not accept me, not realizing this fear if based in the polarity of my desire to be at the top of the social latter.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to be at the top of the social latter because of the insecurity I allowed myself to exist as in the form of a reoccurring thought that I will not be liked by the girls that I like.
Haha, there is a lot opening up here. This point is more heavily participated in than I initially realized. In all of my relationships to women, the focus was on getting to be with them....oh crap. I defined and lived as a character/personality that once satisfied with the energy as attention from women, the system would calm down and I would be looking onwards to the next challenge of acceptance. Almost like a fear addiction I realize that I am afraid of not being able to continually overcome that fear of rejection...
Ohhhhh K! This is a problem. I've always just seen it as simply liking the initial part of relationships, you know, with the butterflies and uncertainty. There are so many dimensions to this character that I can't keep my head from spinning right now.
Breathe.
I was listening to this series of interviews by this being, Lily, and right now, I can see that I am needing to stick to just one point, as much as my mind wants to take me everywhere, and walk it through to completion. I definitely recommend this product for getting an understanding the process of writing the mind out with self-forgiveness. Check it out at EQAFE: Self Awareness Steps for the Elite pt.1. Your purchase will be highly self-supportive, as well as supportive to me and all life equally.
Bringing it back:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire personality design, wherein I never gave myself a chance to simply be myself because I allowed myself to fear that I wasn't cool enough to be with the girl/s that I liked. I can see a circle here: I want the girl to validate that I am cool enough to be with the girl...so when I get the girl, I am validated, and ready to move on as I climb higher towards the elusive/imagined top of the social latter as defined by ultimate acceptance/power/influence and of course the most beautiful/perfect woman in the world.
HA.ha.
I'll be continuing with this point in depth over time now that I see it. For now, I'll continue with some corrective applications..
When and as I see myself desiring to be with a woman for the sake of validating my ability to get her, I stop I breathe. I realize that this character is supporting a limited, self-serving time-loop where I do not consider, at all, how I can make the world at large a better place.
I commit myself to self-respect, so that I no longer come from a place that needs to be validated by a women. Within this, I realize that without self-respect, I am not respecting the woman as an equal citizen of the earth, and rather just a means to charge my mental system: validation-insecurity
When and as I see myself in self-doubt, I stop I breathe. I realize now that this is a creation of my mind within and as a fear orientation toward self. I commit myself to further investigation of how and why I have chosen to live through this character that needs validation from the starting point of fear...fear of loss...fear of losing the girl of my dreams.
I commit myself to stopping this character within and as me.
I commit myself to stopping this character that seeks to be cooler for the end purpose of obtaining the most beautiful woman that I can.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to settle for a girl that I don't really like. Ha. This is a key driving force. I commit myself to breathing and walking out of my sick mind so that I may contribute as a one and equal participant in supporting global oneness and equality.
Thanks for reading. I know it was a long one...and it's not over yet. If this post resonated with you and you're not already destonian: Join us in walking self-honesty, if you dare to expose the characters you are responsible for creating (publicly is optional; just exposing self to self is quite a journey).
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| From Heaven's Journey to Life - Day 232 |
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