Day 166 - Got to get here quick! SF
This is a continuation of yesterday. I opened up / exposed a nice handful of working points yesterday and never really did the self-forgiveness specifically for the point related to the title, which is an anxiousness to get done with process. Instead I just anxiously hopped around, kind of dodging this point. Caught myself. What to do? What to do? Ah ha!
I forgive myself for having accepted and and allowed myself to want to rush through and get this process of self-purification over and done with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point of anxiety herein as an essential component of my current personality that can be dismantled and replaced with a more effective, stable expression of self in relation to completing work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride the energy high of haste, not realizing that, in this, I've created a relationship in my mind toward doing work, where I've become dependent on this energy to complete work effectively. I can't even imagine what productive looks or feels like when I'm not within that mentally stimulated energy of haste...yes I can, looks stable, clean, just working without pain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate work with pain, and not realize that I've been using the energy of haste to cope with that negative experience of directing myself to accomplish work/tasks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trying to imagine what it looks like to be productive without energy, not realizing that I am creating another relationships of separation from self-expression here. I realize that I may initially use these types of thoughts to identify who I am in relation to different parts of myself. I commit myself to patiently amalgamating all internal relationships, to eventually stand stable in my breath, here. Whatever that looks like is irrelevant. Imagining it is contrary to it.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a stable relationship with myself within my breathing.
I realize this point of relating to process, needs to be cleared so that I may effectively walk within and as process. This process is a one and equal expression of and with myself. Ah ha. No more judgement. More more haste. No more ego. Where I fail, I see where work is required. I am doing this for me, alone. Breathe. Do not over-spiritualize process. It is a simple self-direction. I am simply discovering how I've created myself in relation to everything that I found pertinent in my life. This takes time. Breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process about others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not walk this process for me, ad me alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in relation to others, for comparing myself to others, for getting distracted by comparison, for feeling rushed to get here faster...
When and as I see myself in a state of comparison of self and other in relation to walking process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must assist and support myself within my process. I commit myself to stabilizing within process for self alone.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see how I've created a relationship with haste out of the relationship toward others and wanting to be superior.
Ok, I have found a large point (many dimensions), and plan to stick to it. See you tomorrow for the third installment of Got to get here quick!