Day 107 - Relationship vs. Agreement

I started my morning with a google search: "relationship agreement desteni"

I'm sure I've done this search before, as this point of going into a relationship with a girl always spins my mind, hardcore. Especially in the beginning of all my relationships, my mind would rev up and over think everything until contact. Once there is at least a kiss, I start opening up, but never all the way. I've never let myself be vulnerable enough to give myself fully over to a girl. I had bright plans for future success, and girls only ever slowed me down with requests and feelings. So, my normal pattern in relationship with girls is to over-think the situation within my own self-interest, and then hide those thoughts from myself and her through focusing on the feelings and psychical sensations. I would vaguely justify the secret thoughts within me because I could still get physical and mental attention...vaguely thinking that means success.

When I first found Desteni and started reading about the point of self-honesty and agreements, I was straight scared. I avoided this aspect for a few years, because I wanted to carelessly "chase women" in my final college years. So now that I'm out of college, I've been looking for girl attention through dating sites and whatnot. Well I found a girl I'm pretty attracted to, and not just physically. Well 'bad' news, I can't just go with this like I always have. Falling into a relationship has always ended badly and I've identified the reason as the internal lies & backchat. Not being honest with another starts with self-dishonesty. My relationship to being honest has been pretty solid for awhile, since the spiritual stuff before desteni, I was into enlightenment and becoming pure/honest. So, I've been having trouble relating with girls, because I'm always thrown into a whirlwind of thoughts that I don't have the courage to speak out loud, because a fear of loss or a fear of hurting her.

Now, I have been playing it more slowly, as recommended by fellow destonians, and I am seeing how patience has been working. That google search this morning lead to this article When are you Ready for 'Agreement'? and as my morning reading, I've begun to see the the practical approach to supporting another being and self, within the framework of self-honest support of self and other in walking together in agreements. Good shit.

This post is just a warm up or breaking into of this point of relationships. There's a lot going within this, so I plan to take it slow and not let anything slide by. Self-honesty till I die!


To be continued...

Day 106 - Living in Delay

I sit down, and after a few moments of thinking about what to write today, boom! I went right into delay. Mind races to find any 'good' excuse to get up and walk away from my computer. First idea, smoke a cigarette, second, go to the bathroom, third, finish doing the laundry, and for that I got up. I emptied my clean laundry into a basket brought it half way up the stairs and realized what I've been doing. IT'S THE SAME MODE I'VE BEEN IN THROUGHOUT SCHOOL. Wait until the last minute, because I can and because I can get lots of unrelated work done when I put off the important/primary work. I've had a consistent pattern of using delay as motivation to get other stuff done. Anything that I would deem important was better than facing the work in front of me.

I'm on a delay kick because it's becoming more and more clear with writing about it. I write that my mind makes diversion attempts to avoid the negative experience of doing work, and the next day I catch my mind doing just that! Writing --> Awareness. Cool.

Thanks to Anna for her vlog response to my Day 105, I was able to really get a sense for the community at large who all share this point of procrastination. So, it is my specific experience of this point that I will write about, as my experience is the composition of the pictures in my mind that must be released. I commit to move myself through the correction within the application of my writing. To stay focused and specific is my goal here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of other viable/justifiable options of behavior when I approach the space to do work, not realizing my mind within polarity, labeling work as negative and frantically looking for a positive experience. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I'm precisely doing as covering up the fears* through delay into a positive reward behavior, like getting other work done or playing with friends, etc.

*Fears = fear of not completing my work sufficiently is primary here, which is strange because through this fear, I have aversion to doing work, causing me to produce work that's often less than sufficient. The fear manifests itself through my participation within it... More investigation on this will ensue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications for the activities I choose to do within delaying my primary objective, not realizing that in so doing, I'm compromising myself in being able to work effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of myself working as negative, and in this hiding myself from the enjoyable flow of work that I have also, often experienced.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I just procrastinate my work, I can focus on the enjoyment of my positive distractions, and skip quickly past the misery of rushed work, and then focus on the positive reward of having the work done, not realizing that this whole experience is orchestrated by me as a fear of work being a difficult and negative experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work as a difficult and negative experience within an assumption. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an assumption of work as a negative experience before I ever even gave myself the chance to approach the work without bias.

Refocusing: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue within a distraction without realizing the importance of applying myself effectively within the work that I am avoiding. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why I am in a state of avoidance with the work I choose to delay with distractions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blur my thoughts/feelings and make a hazy decision to delay my responsibilities.

When and as I see myself making a hasty decision to move into a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that this form of self-dishonesty renders me ineffective in accomplishing my daily responsibilities. This is not acceptable.

I commit myself to investigating the negative point within facing my work.

I commit myself to stopping the distraction attempts through realizing what they are, and why they pop into mind.

I commit myself to approaching work without bias through a patient process of investigating the nature of the work that I have a reaction to, so that I no longer support my assumption/projection of negativity onto work that I have not yet done.

I commit myself to stop justifying bullshit. Self-honestly prioritize actions, then act.

I commit myself to examining the energies that might take me out of my mode of effectively addressing the work I have placed in front of me.

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Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire

Hot. The feeling of friction. When my body wants one thing and my mind wants another = resistance. The experience of diminished or faltering will. When my true will is perceived/labeled as a negative experience (i.e. homework), and my short-term, pleasure seeking will takes dominion. I now understand this to be the work of the mind within the framework of polarity. Pos/neg experiences that are only such because of a repeat allowance of my mind telling me "that's the way it is." Why/how? Well, that's what I'm figuring out: The root of all perceptual bias, based in specific past experiences. Taking this for granted, just letting the machine run = unintended consequence. Like procrastination. Without further ado:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work/homework/writing as a negative and tedious experience that is to be avoided or spent as little time with as I possibly can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a negative experience to the word 'tedious,' and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the patience to do what needs to be done according to what's best for myself and others, equally. This means 'pleasure seeking' as self-serving only, has no place other than as a life-distraction for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into seeking pleasure as a habit that is used when avoiding a negative experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through pleasure seeking, I am existing as a starting point of pain, so in relationship to procrastination, I hide the experience of pain associated with my work as I move toward the positive experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ever wait until the last minute to do work, and in this not seeing that I've short changed myself out of an honest expression of myself within my work. Within the negative association that placed onto work, I suffered unnecessarily through the delay of that pain, trying to make it go away without having to honestly do the work. This is the way of the cheater that takes shortcuts and lies about it to hide the layers of experience created without understanding how or why experiences feel a certain way. I understand that it's all creations of my past, just gotta find where...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to acquire the perception that work is a negative experience from parents/others, and for accepting that perception as valid, and for projecting that experience onto any and all work that wasn't immediately aligned with my self-interests.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to rush through my process and delay facing the resistances, and temporarily hiding them from myself within a positive illusion. I commit myself to patiently walking through and writing down any resistance that gets in my way. I own it, I allow it, I stop it. Simple, the design is simple, yet from the perspective of limitation, the task seems daunting. tedious, hard, impossible, not worth the effort...ya, a limited perspective indeed, clouded by numerous thoughts/feelings/emotions.

Nice artwork by  Kelly Posey

When and as I see myself moving from self-direction into delay as the seeking of positive experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that within this act of procrastination, I've wrongly accused work as such a negative experience (within assumption or future projection) that my mind actively seeks positive experience distractions that do not benefit me within my process of self-realizing all as one. I commit myself to continue facing resistance. I commit myself to stop simply allowing resistance as mind to direct my actions from day to day. I commit myself to digging deeper into resistance, like fear of failure, wasting time, etc. and to patiently persist in facing them and letting them go. I am here. I direct me. Stopping the bullshit takes more courage than I initially estimated, so this is a process of unraveling layers and building momentum within the courage to persist as self-honest.

The mind is to predictable to be fun, "been there done that" sort of thing...until you're jaded.

Join me in the pursuit of doing what's best for ALL always. You owe it to yourself ;)
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Day 104 - Walking through resistance

As a continuation from the last two days, this post will serve as somewhat of a turning point for me. This is the first time that I've declined chasing a feel-good distraction before sitting in my bed to write. Having my brother home, means that I need to get fancy with where I set my work space up. So, within all that's transpiring at the moment, when and how I write is becoming a critical point that I am here to write about :)

I must give a shout out for the new Desteni I Process Lite course. I've been giving it a go, so that I could know what it is I'm sharing. To my surprise, I'm receiving a lot of support from it. It's concise and well done from what I can tell so far. The reason I bring this up is that Lesson 1.5 = The Solution to Resistance was the launch (read just prior) of tonight's writing session. The key point of this short lesson, is when writing resistance comes up, just take a big breath, get back into the body, and write about the resistance that just came up. Through this, I can investigate the resistance point THROUGH WRITING, hence breaking the writing resistance, and come back to the original point after the resistance is clear.

Now, the norm for me was and has been for a long time, to procrastinate or delay the writing with some kind of positive reward behavior. So I never investigated how I've attached a negative valence to work/writing. I just simply moved toward the positive, until that was no longer an option. So, my whole life, I've basically been waiting until I had no choice but to do the work, and in this, I had been taking less than 100% ownership of it because I was 'rushed' and 'could have done a better job if I had more time.' BS, I had more than enough time. No more BS = much more work than I had realized; however, the work is not negative from the perspective of doing it because I want authentic expression of myself, for self. If I have to force myself to write every night because of external time pressure, and the pressure to conform to daily writing, I'm not going to be able to ever slow down and write about each point that comes up.

No more trying to rush through points. I can and will simply commit to finishing what I open up, so then it is done and I can move forward with my self-investigation. Thanks for reading. Related and specific Self-Forgiveness statements to come tomorrow.
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Day 103 - Slowing down process

It's become apparent through the intensity of my energy fluctuation that I need to slow down. I have getting too far a head of myself (anxiety point) by creating a character that advances quickly through understanding, but lacks the discipline to act accordingly. I'll admit, I was pretty excited to begin my Journey to Life blog...meaning, I've set myself up for the experience of the opposite. And recently, I'm finding it difficult to write for myself or publicly. I've built myself according to some knowledge without a serious application thereof. So the past few days, since I decided to keep a side journal for this blog so that I can keep continuity more easily and bump up the level of seriousness within my participation.

Yesterday, I've identified a single point of fear that contributes to the program of delaying my writing: fear of failure / fear of inadequacy / fear of ineffectiveness. This point is one that I've been hiding from myself, so I couldn't easily realize that I was not self-honest. All the hype about self-honesty, but what does it really mean? It's more clear now. It's a concept of not letting anything slide by the radar. To essentially call myself out on every little detail of my thoughts, flag every thought for investigation, and stop what is detrimental to myself and/or others. Feel-good distractions cover up my fear of inadequately voicing myself, and then I just judge myself as a procrastinator, never really investigating what was going on in specific detail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate a thought/point thoroughly to see how it connects and charges different behaviors. Allowing distractions must end when I establish self-honesty because I won't allow be allowing what obviously doesn't support self and other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I know it all. I forgive me that I've allowed myself to seek no further knowledge when I hold the belief that I already know / can't learn more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inadequate. I forgive myself for believing that I can be more, and hiding the doubt that was existent before the desire to be more. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself missing the point of existing within and as self-doubt, creating a spiral of behavioral outflows that aligned with becoming more, greater, smarter. I forgive my creation, and me for my creation, and my allowance of it as me.

When and as I see myself thinking ahead of myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that to be serious about my life walk, I commit myself to be here, in the written/spoken words of space time with the rest of the physical.

I commit myself to patiently writing, where in I access all relevant points to complete the framework and back-structure of the original  point, letting nothing slide.

Day 102 - Resistance to the Writing Process

The past two days, I haven't sat down to write through the point of resistance. Since re-framing how I use my handwritten journal as a complement to this JTL blog, I've amped up the feeling of seriousness to the point that I hit a wall of resistance. What charges this resistance is what must be explored if I am to effectively move forward.

- Fear of not clearly articulating a point, or not being able to completely address a whole point.
- Not being organized with what I write.

Two primary points. I'll spend a day on each. I realize that I've been trying to move too quickly through this self-investigation, deconstruction & realignment process. I mean, what's the point of trying if it amounts to nothing. From one perspective, we must try because only through practice can we reach our goals. From the perspective of self-honesty, I can see how my writings thus far, have been weighed heavily on my perception of how the reader will interpret my life. Though this lie, 'writing for self,' I have been writing for others and trying to appear as if I have been moving quickly through understanding. That which is not real, won't hold up. So, I've set myself up for failing within my writing application of self-forgiveness and corrective statements. It's frustrating how elusive the perspective of absolute self-honesty can be when I think so quickly. The quickness of thought, covers up the immediate sense of what's here. I disregard what's here with a more positive spin on reality that I allow. My mind thinks up a way to position my self-image (ego) as great/superior/knowledgeable, and I just go with that interpretation of reality instead of just using the common sense. It's not cool that I'm doing this. It's not cool that it's so easy to cover up and lose sight of the common sense reality. It seems so simple, and yet we lie to ourselves a considerable amount each day without even noticing how disastrous this act is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not realize when I am deceiving myself with positive spins on reality that suit my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can just make it all go away through the mere subscription to a self-created belief, especially if I can have others validate that belief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others to validate my own created existence and for perpetually hiding through these built and reinforced belief systems about me and my relationships to the external physical reality.

When and as I see myself resisting to walk and write out a single point, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only effectively address one point at a time, so with patience, I let go of all the thoughts that come to mind so that I may write out and work with the first, most prominent point within writing. I commit myself to stopping the whirlwind of positive/negative spins on reality, and I commit myself to stop believing that my spin is the right interpretation of reality. I commit myself to stop creating illusions of myself wherein I attempt to escape the responsibility of actually facing a point in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate the point of self-honest responsibility within physical work for so long. TO be continued.

Day 101 - Writing Complement

To provide continuity within my writing in this blog, I will write in a complementary journal. Because I haven't already been doing that, and all that I could to become more clear and articulate with my writing, I see the point of laziness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take a highly proactive approach to working for myself within the application of writing. To clarify, it is the procrastination (reason why this entry is so short) & lack of realizing the seriousness of this writing process. It's as if I'm doing this not for myself...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my writing through the perception that someone or something external is the reason I write. This is quite a significant point. I commit myself to take the time to reflect on my blog posts in a handwritten journal, and be effective in addressing the points that come up. Here, I realize that I've been writing adamantly with the intention that if I just get it all down, I can go back to it later and pick it apart, wherein I separate myself from 'later' and it rarely to never gets addressed.

From this day forward, I commit myself to keeping continuity between all of my posts with a side journal so that I may clearly address each point to completion before I scatter on to the next one while placing the responsibility of decoding them on my future self.

Day 100 - The Self Honest Pulse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget myself as self-honest, and fall into the thoughts of my secret mind. Here, I hide from others and in time myself, layers of reaction pattern-imprints. In other words, the voice in my head talks out what I am impulsed to say. These impulses have an affect on my pulse.

I am born with a pulse. Straight life force. No mind imprints. I open my eyes and start making sense of the world. As a mind consciousness system, I began to learn and integrate with the world system that's already here from the generations before us. As I receive/perceive impulses from the world, my pulse begins to change.

Layers later, I have a fascinatingly complex system as my mind as me. I believed myself to be the thoughts I had, I existed only one and equal with my mind. From what I understand of the mind, fear charges self-interest. The interesting part of this is how my mind does mental gymnastics to hide my self-interest. This was maybe some kind of self defense mechanism, where I judged myself or would imagine the judgment of myself through other's eyes of my self-interested act. Now that I understand that my ego/mind as the self-interest system, it more clear how I've been hiding with the mental gymnastics.

In living a life that stands on the principle of doing what's best for all life, there is no feeling of shame that I need to justify or hide from myself or others. Through the Best For All lens, self-honesty becomes crucial, or else the same self-interested patterns emerge. To get back to my original pulse, I have to be honest with myself as who I am as a collection of impulses that is my current pulse. In other terms, I have to be self-honest to see my current pulse as an accumulation of many impulses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am existing through the perceptions of my impulsed conscious / worldly conditioning, and not remembering my original pulse of life that exist within me unexpressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am or could be more powerful by means of accumulating pulses and proving this power through successfully impulsing others to see my point is valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thinking of my secret mind as reactions to others and  and my own thoughts.

When and as I see myself pulsing to a beat of my own self-interest at the demise of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that the pulse of life supports all life equally as one, and when my pulse is aligned with what's best for all, I have nothing to hide. I commit myself to stop hiding my thoughts from others and myself. I commit myself to stop placing the value of life as it's ability to pulse 'better' than others.

I commit myself to walking this process back to the pulse of life through accepting responsibility for every impulse and releasing my attachment to all of me that does not support all life equally.

Day 99 - Stopping the whirlwind

Swirling and spiraling around in energy polarities is an ingrained habit. In my past, I've just turned away from what I couldn't understand, allowing the fluctuation to take me wherever. This is the opening of my self-honest approach to ending the creation of my experience. I can simply experience life without playing up the energy interpretations, and that is what I commit myself to doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost or believe that I am lost within the ebb and flow of familiar patterns of feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in the future and so acting in accordance with two separate versions of myself. This causes conflicts when I'm not being honest with myself and others through the realization of the continuity and connectedness of myself here, then, and to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from physical work by going off into the clouds of my head in an attempt to think myself to success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can think my way to greatness, and so fall into the habit of dodging/avoiding real responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my secret mind and not realize that this act of hiding is self-dishonest. To be honest with myself and others had been too easily overlooked/dismissed. Absolute, unconditional self-honesty. This is my priority, the new frame work from which I will assess my actions, thoughts, feelings and emotions. If it is unclear, I commit myself to sort it out within writing.

When and as I see myself using my secret mind to create a perception or experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that without thinking to create meaning or make sense, I can rely on the self-honest common sense that is present without cognitive effort. I commit myself to bring myself back the the stability of my breathing, here, when I get lost in my thoughts to the breaking point. I commit myself to push through the fears and face them all, in walking this process with self-honesty. Moving from fear, is vastly different than moving from here.

All for one and one for all, I move myself into the necessary points that must be taken care of. I commit myself to myself, here.

I commit myself to careful consideration of all points, and not just going with the flow of personal 'evolution' through fear pushes.

I commit myself to take responsibility in the physical accomplishing of what I set out to create

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself spiraling into a whirlwind of thought.

I will continue to face this point of letting go of my internal experience creations, and slow it all down to find the starting points. In this, I commit myself to seeking these points earnestly and walking the process of writing myself to freedom.

Day 98 - Spiraling out of control

If I don't do something, I'll continue to spiral out of control with the current level of commitment within self-direction. My relationships to everything and everyone have all been laid out for me. Either by my parents or by copying 'desirable' social traits. This filter was a chosen framework that I built and believed myself to be based on how to more easily obtain sex and money. This was how I've defined success, doing all that I can now to set myself up for the future. I used to label it within myself as "being a work procrastinator but not a life procrastinator." I see this separation as fundamental.

By investing into myself, or rather my future self, I was getting ahead in life; and this stood to excuse my lack of discipline in the moment. This equation balances, it is a polarity. I bounce back and forth not realizing this as mind playing a trick on me. Applying oneness and equality principles: I am not being honest with myself.

It's obvious! How can I possibly get ahead in life by procrastinating the work I have to do in the moment? By never asking myself that question, I never realized the detriment of being "a thinker." I thought is was a good thing to prepare for the future, and that by investing time in my head, I could figure things out more easily. I was lost in preparation, with a general lack of application. This point is baffling me on how widespread and ingrained it is. I see myself as a master in my mind (this is a particularly positive feeling when high), and then have nothing to show for it. Just an idea that goes straight to defusing the responsibility of action onto others, so I'm basically doing the heavy lifting with my mind. This isn't working. In fact, I'm spiraling (in my mind) out of control. Just a whirl wind of thinking that's slowing down my application of myself in the physical reality. By writing out the tornado of my thoughts, I'll be able to physically see all the pattern and recognize it for what it is instead of blindly just going with the flow.

I'm not being responsible or self-honest if I'm trying to walk the path of self-honesty. The partial approach to unconditional self-honesty, doesn't even make sense. Sure, it will take time to figure myself out and deconstruct and rebuild my internal structure of psyche within the flesh. But I can't get here by hiding. I feel spiraling out of control the more I think about how to hide. There's a strong charge in wanting to continue hiding. I'm more addicted to the secret mind than I thought...haha, because I was thinking with the secret mind, I didn't consider the frame, the absolute starting point of each thought.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am making progress along a path to realizing equality and oneness, instead of seeing that through 'progress', I have defined the existence of  not making progress, and allow myself to get lost in spirals of self-dishonest starting points, aka Time Loops.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate practically-applied-work from life-work. This seems like a huge point because there are many points where I've allowed this mental framework to govern actual behavior.

Tomorrow is going to be a long self-forgiveness day.

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Day 97 - Swirling in my head

When I don't write, I allow thoughts to swirl around in my head.

I smoked, right before doing this blog. It is a suppression. I didn't want to face the negative emotional conflict outflow of my own thoughts. So I leave here to go off into my own world of self insightfulness of thought. I like it. I enjoy how I get high, the feeling of it,, and I notice how there is a balancing thing going on here. I have a (will be) said amount of +'s for getting high and the -'s, well probably a fair share. I'll map this out now that I'm feeling ready to let go. One of the fears that was keeping me from wanting to expose this side of myself to the net, was how the opinions of me from 'others in my mind' might be that I must walk through what I state and be effective on the first try. Day 14-16, my little nail trio. I didn't hesitate with that because the negatives far out weighed the positives of the nail biting experience...unless the feeling is equal to the physical...shit.

I forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the positive feeling of chewing my nails by placing it in my mind as inferior to the superior physical damage going on, and so forget to consider the oneness and equality equation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself with the reaction "shit," because behind that negative view of my self 'why didn't I see this earlier' popped into my mind and quickly translated into this programmed shit response.

^ It's with this level of specificity I work towards. When I write, I catch myself. I see where and how my mind goes. Not in a sense that I am separate or in observer mode, but I can go back to kind of jog the experience again, and keep the writing flow going through the self-forgiveness. Many of my entries thus far were written sober, while many were not. It's funny (in the worst way possible) how some fears seem like a bigger deal than others, and so they just EAT away at us. I'm really done with allowing fears to ruin my life, this life, our life. As I continue to walk and build momentum within the courage to keep facing my fears, I realize that I can't hide anything. Haha! Nothing. So it all comes out. My super secret journal, published for all who care to see. haha, this is going to be fun...and I can already tell that there is going to be polar consequence for that :)

So, for now I will patiently walk myself through this design and addiction. I'm not looking forward to it. There are a lot of positive experiences in my past that have been associated with smoking the green smelly tree. Much in how I relate to others and much in how I relate to me....Woo, I shiver at the thought of how much I've been creating my self concept in relation to weed. It's doable. And I'm not going to give up. I will walk out of this addiction with the patience, honesty, and writing.

Sincerely thanks for reading.

Breaking this down and more self-forgiveness to come!

Day 96 - Forgiveness Variance

Thanks Damian Ledesma

There will be updates to this post.

My relationship to the concept of forgiveness is not easy to describe. When it's effectively done, its over, not a whole lot of thinking follows after a point is walked through self forgiveness statements. And I notice that with out laying down the corrective action statement, I can easily fall back into the same point, as if the SF cleared the structure but the imprint was still heavily laid in. To rewrite the structure of a relationship, we actually have to do it. So take responsability for all the relationships I've ever formed, forgive the specific points that hold a charge, then lay down the foundation of the new order within, best written down and so physicalized (you can't trust the mind...well you can trust it will reflect the nature of your allowed existence), and live within that framework as an example of self willed change. Doing all of this for self, with a self definition  of all life.
So far my commitment statements have been weak. Loosely slopped together partly within a starting point of 'having to do it' and so wasn't living with my words. I was "BSing" it, to use some school days lingo.

This is the first point of variation that I see: a reactive approach vs an authentic approach.
In reactive mode, I'm just doing the forgiveness as a reaction to events or thoughts, not considering myself fully equal with my words. I guess you could relate it to "half-assing" it. I don't like "half-assing."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a negative relationship to "half-assing" wherein I judge others as this but not myself. With a self-honest look, I am half-assing many aspects of life, relying on the assumption that I'm smart enough and would not half-ass serious projects, well I do & I forgive myself for that. When and as I see myself not completing a project, or not giving it my full potential, I stop I  breathe. I realize that I am only cheating myself, and without self-honesty in play, I'm screwed.

In self-honesty mode, I realize a point in my mind that is programmed and non-sensical, and then speak/write out a flow of honestly spoken self-forgiveness. The release is notable, and sometimes get distracted by my forgiveness and don't get around to laying the new inner law of myself. There is still a fear that comes up, the fear of failing, or not being effective or honest with myself, and I allow that to actually prevent me from longer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to exist with fear/doubt to the extent that I set myself up for failure/giving up.

I commit myself to keep strong with my efforts of releasing myself from the fears embedded inside me.
I commit myself to keep writing and practicing self-forgiveness and commitment statements, and not to allow my lack of perfection to get in the way of my process. I started, that was the toughest part. The ball is rolling and inertia is true. Time to get even more seriously invested in myself and to stop allowing falls and fear of falls to keep me down.

When and as I see myself wanting to move toward a positive experience and depart from here/reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that to be steadfast within my application of this journey to life, I must stop allowing the BSing and get to work. I also realize that without beginning I can't reach the end.
So, I continue to face my nail biting point until it is done, as I said yesterday. No more running/hiding/suppressing. It's all up to me to sort me out.

Thanks for reading.
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Day 95 - Continuing with my nails

I woke up this morning considering how pointless it is to bite my nails, and so I took a breath and said no more...

to my own disappointment  I nibbled throughout the day and while watching an action-adventure film, right back into a full blown nail biting frenzy. So there are several dimension of mind coming into play, and by nature of so many different factors I'd have to consider to completely unwrap my nail biting tendency, I've delayed facing this point for too long. And so I write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay facing my self within the relationship to my nail biting habit out of fear that I will not be able to stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself for having fallen...AGAIN. I realize that this disappointment is an energetic release that cycles and so aids in the bind of this addiction. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself experiencing frustration or disappointment with regards to biting my nails. With the lens of common sense, I see that I must stop. Stop the nail biting. Stop the reaction. Just stop, and proceed according to common sense. This should be how the mind is complex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so involved within an action film that as tensions rise in the movie, my tensions rise, leading to the familiar tension outlet of nail biting. It's becoming more and more clear how this habit lives off fear. If I'm not lost in a fear-base thought when my hand goes to my mouth, I am lost in the movie, taking on artificial fear/anxiety as my reaction is bite nails.

^ As I wrote that, I recalled how I have been using this pattern of hand to mouth for comfort since I was really, really young.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suck on my thumb for comfort when I was little and that I have, in a sense, upgraded to chewing off little bits of nail and numb skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that this habit is very deeply ingrained and that I must face each and every point behind the addiction to be able to stand stable, here, as my breath. They say it can be done in one breath, I have been unable to stop this habit in one breath, and so have lived in the definition of powerlessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as powerless when I fail to achieve, especially in comparison and desire to be the best or better than my comparison points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up when I see that I can not be the best, better, faster, stronger. I commit myself to a steadfast walk, a patient walk. And I will not stop until it is done. I commit myself to stopping the addiction of comfort from nail biting.

I commit myself to realize why and how I have begun the movement from hand to mouth, and to delete the thought and charge with self-forgiveness. Doesn't matter how many times I fall. If I keep getting up, nothing and no one can stop me.


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Day 94 - Nails and Fears

Ok, I planned to continue my doing work post from yesterday, but I haven't finished my mind map and self-research on the point. It will get done. So today, I wish to write about how I've been neglecting and repressing my nail biting point. I've been not wanting to write about it partly because I didn't want to look like a failure after believing I cleared this point over the course of 3 days (ending on Day 16).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the opinion of others that I am not effective.

When and as I see myself suppressing action because of a fear of what others may think, I stop I breathe. I realize that I'm only building up the the same point of ineffectiveness through the allowance of the fear of the label 'ineffective.'
I commit myself to push through this fear and work through my nail biting, in fact, regardless of how long it takes.

Continuing, today I realized that I still have quite the charge behind the fear of having my nail ripped off. This girl was sharing a funny story of how it happened to her and I reacted going as far as saying "I don't want to hear it," half jokingly.

This charge was set by one of my original memories that lead me into the nail biting lifestyle nearly 15 years ago. My brother had an accident with the screen door and his nail was ripped off his finger. There is a visual image that pops up and is strongly associated with a feeling of "ahhhhh!" or intense aversion. I will focus on this one point today, as it is the foundation for this habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the image of losing a fingernail to a negative experience of discomfort within my mind. I have not experienced this myself, but through the imagination of how it would feel, I created an imaginary fear experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an fear based on an imagined experience in my head in relation to what I've seen.

I just noticed an interesting connection. In the second paragraph above, I alluded to how a fear within self, manifests. Fear of ineffective -> being ineffective, through or because of the fear. Now, I see that my fear of the pain associated with having no nail, happens to me every time I bite or clip my nail too short. HA! I've experienced the pain of which I feared, many times over, through the biting of my nails that I justified: Having short nails means I won't easily get my nail ripped off. I feel pain every time my nails are too short! This is incredible, to see how my fear is the opposite of effective in accomplishing the goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by biting my nails I decrease the risk of pain from exposure of the flesh under my nails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my fear is worthy and effective in its expression.

I commit myself to realizing when any fear is driving itself and creating an experience related to that fear without me knowing.

I commit myself to making sure that I know why I'm doing any particular action so that I may break down the bullshit and support life with the entirety of my expression.

Day 93 - Doing work

It's time. I've long existed within a desire to work hard. 'Knowing' that I well could, is another justification that supports my inaction.

While speaking with a new friend about getting a job vs. making a one, I slowly realize that to make a job is the ideal that requires more work than I realize. Am I willful enough to take on the high workload of making a job? Yes. Why haven't I yet? Doubt and Indecision...a fear that I will make the wrong choice, 'wrong' being defined as anything less than the perceived utmost potential I imagine for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and experience of fear in relation to underachieving.


That's a solid point. Let's continue:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to not realize my inert physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing the point of my worth ethic through the participation/indulgence in the 'feel goods' like video games, cookies, and weed.

My relationship toward the desteni material has been, passes all filters, don't quite get it, throw myself into it. Their message is finally becoming more clear thank to doing DIP. I am ultimately responsible for moving myself through space-time, or I'm giving into my mind. Doing work within DIP is actually helping me become a more efficient worker by assisting with me with my resistances like procrastination, seeing the difference between allowing my mind to do the walking vs moving with the physical. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting a sense for what life from the physical is like.

And so I will breathe, and direct myself. I'm going for the life insurance job. I'm going to DIP agent as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't do both, and even 2-3 other side projects. If I direct my time and do work, instead of letting my mind direct my time, I will easily have the time to be more effective within any process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too hard to do lots of work, instead of breaking down each point of my life within self-honesty and stopping the behaviors that don't make sense from the perspective of wanting to accomplish my goals.

Now if you'll excuse me, I got to get back to the zombie game on my phone...

Ok, so my priority alignment will take some time and dedication :)

I'll continue to work this out and report tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

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Day 92 - No Alcohol and Ego

After looking at yesterday's post: Day 91 - My relationship with alcohol, I noted that I ended with a forgiveness statement that was specific, but it the structure indicates that I wasn't taking full responsibility.

From Yesterday:
"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, that others are judging me as superior to them through my choice not to drink."

And now:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am superior than those who do drink alcohol because I am in a higher degree of control.

Another perspective might prove otherwise. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have more control of myself than those who choose to drink alcohol. My personal choice is one and equal with theirs. Collapse the polarity by seeing the two sides of the same coin, and not investing oneself as one but not the other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as a non-drinker as opposed to a drinker, and for believing that I am better as one and not the other.

When and as I see myself comparing my life to another's life with overly generalized thoughts, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my mind fighting for it's powerful position in relation to others. I commit myself to stop participating in the thoughts of comparing my life and decision to another's life and decisions.

I commit myself to no longer identifying myself as a non-drinker wherein I take my decision to not drink personally, and from there feed my ego with the energy it needs to fuel the thoughts of separation.

I commit myself showing others that I am sober from alcohol because I choose to support whats best for all life and to no longer support the systems of the mind.

Day 91 - My relationship with alcohol

In discussion with a college buddy, I was trying to explain the primary perspective from which I reasoned the stopping of alcohol consumption: My cells.

I most often say "I stopped drinking alcohol, cause I figure, I am my cells, & my cells don't like it."

That's the simple honest version Sometimes it passes, sometimes I have to dig up more excuses to advert the peer pressure. I never was a big fan of losing control with alcohol, and there's a control point there. So, while I may also have the honest intention of "no longer supporting my mind with alcohol," I'm also covering up many related points from the relationship before I stopped drinking.

I used to drink primarily to lower my inhibitions and get the girl, and maybe it actually has become ..less easy to throw myself at a woman, but that in itself is a reason to not drink anymore. I don't want to meet and court under the influence...that's not a self-honest presentation of myself.

There is also a feeling of superiority that comes from a perceived possible judgment of others. As if I can't help but have the thought that when I reject the offer to drink with friends that they will think that I think highly of myself in comparison. This awkward feeling is my creation and I accept responsibility for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, that others are judging me as superior to them through my choice not to drink.

I got to get back in the bar and hang out... soba style!

to be continued

Day 90 - Trying to be more

A pattern I see in others and turned back to self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be something more than I am from the perspective of others' perceptions/judgements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of not being liked to motivate me to create a tailored presentation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within a created personality, placing the emphasis on others' opinions of me and their acceptance of me. Instead of seeing myself as an equal, I don't even know where I truly am in relation to others except as the creator of a personality front.

When and as I see myself fronting for another person because of a fear created from a misplaced emphasis on others' perceptions of me, I stop I breathe.

I realize that who I am in each moment of relating to others can be from the self-honest starting point of myself within my breath, and that allowing my mind to manage my interaction is a dishonest manipulation that serves one limited dimension of my self-honesty.

I've committed myself to living best for all, so

I commit myself to come original, to present myself authentically from the starting point of my breath, here.

I commit myself to stopping my self-interested desire to be liked from getting in the way of the self-honest living expression of myself.

I commit myself to realizing the illusion of fear judgement as separation.

I commit myself to live authentically. No more bs manipulation of my self-expression for the sake of supporting my mind within fear of judgement.

Day 89 - My Age as Me

Day 89 makes me think of my birth year. It's weird to imagine that I'll eventually reach Day 1989, haha. That's when I'll really check to see how/if my age age defines me!

For my entire life, I've separated myself from others through my age. Older kids had more power, younger kids had less. This in itself is a fascinating perspective that I've never investigated. Adults have always been on another level, with their ability to handle any issues and create reality. I've separated myself from responsibility through this dimension of relating toward adults.I recall enjoying the inherent dominance that came with dating a younger girl. It made it real easy to control the reality of the relationship.

Age has contributed heavily in the experience of who I am. As I get older, it seems that my birth year is of less significance. Society agrees. I don't like society telling me how to experience myself. I was always a bit baffled by the perspective shifts from year-to-year as I matriculated through school. It was as if my peers and I didn't age, and the older/younger kids were always outsiders.

Here, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am in my breath as each human being. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this all along, that my age was limiting me within the in-group/out-group fear construct. Rather than honing in on how a different age equates to differences between self and other, I now commit myself to seeing all as equal within the equality of each breath of self and other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my school mates, peers and adults with the differences in age holding some fundamental value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value differences on being older and younger. It's all relative perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others differently than how I would like to be treated myself based on age and how my ego felt accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my ego in relating toward others of different ages, not realizing that they are the same breathing life as I.


When and as I see myself ego tripping with age related authority-inferiority, I stop I breathe. I realize that each perspective is one, whole other perspective deserving equal respect as my own. I commit myself to be a living example of agelessness in my relationships toward others.

I commit myself to expand my perspective within my breath awareness and remove the bias that I am great or less then another being. I commit myself to recognizing when my ego is activated by age differences and humbling myself back to equality with the subject.

I commit myself to identifying all related points to in-group/out-group fear, so that I may patiently deconstruct all of them and stand stable in relation to all.

I commit myself to replacing the perceptual value of age with a perceptual value of the life within.

Thanks, and happy birthday.


Day 88 - Insurance Selling: Job Fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commitment and adherence to a particular line of career. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to explore other career paths more in depth. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize my options, turning this situation into an either-or based in the concept of success-failure in my ability to create my own ideal line of work.

Following my dreams consists of turning the lime-light onto Equal Money System, to assist the creation of a world that's best for all life. Also singing, and connecting mutually beneficial parties in any circumstance. I'd like to create an organization that employs 100+ people all working toward a goal that best for all. To create a 'best for all business' is the ideal dream.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear through doubt in not being able to accomplish many of the seemingly massive goals that I've defined as my dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my dreams as pre-constructs ends, to which I set no foundation and never see clearly the entirety of what it takes to actually accomplish my dreams in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on chasing my dreams through the allowance of external pressures that I haven't taken into consideration as myself. I now see that with the right frame as external pressures = internal pressures, I consider how I've not been taking responsibility for the directing of myself to accomplish my goals. The separation of self from external, leads to blame, emotions of anger, fear, and frustration, and within all of this, I would fail to see that I am trying to communicate with myself what I already know on some level: I wasn't moving to accomplish my dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the unacceptably slow pace at which I was moving myself to accomplish my end goals or dreams. There's no time to waste or take for granted. Wake up!

This life insurance job would be a great experience for myself within the sales industry, but if I already have a vague idea of what to expect, do I really need the negative experience? Learning to overcome this negative frame I have for sales might be accomplished by this job, or I might as well overcome this perceptual limitation with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the salesperson as a negatively associated con artist that only considers the sale, and not what's best for his clients in reality. If there is a worthy product and a willing customer, the job of pairing them together should hold no negative valence. So, I commit myself to stopping my perceptual bias that the sales person is inherently a deceiver.


When and as I see myself supporting a cause that I am not fully certain of it's alignment to what's best for all, I stop I breathe. I realize that I only have one life, and to let my fears get in the way of pursuing my real dreams is not something I'd be okay with on my death bed, so I'm not okay with it now either.

I commit myself to purifying myself to be a living example of acting in alignment of what's best for all in every moment.

I commit myself to stopping my blame of external pressures for my reason to let my fears win and not pursue my real dreams. I commit myself to bringing it all back to self, to see how if I am all, what am I communicating to myself.

I commit myself to choosing my direction based on the reality as the facts of what's really going on, for when I act in feeling, I risk not seeing the whole picture and so risk not acting in the best interest of all. I forgive myself for allowing myself to base my decisions on a feeling...but that's a different point for another day. I'm thankful for this job opportunity if for no other reason than having my eyes opened to my relationship toward the working world.

I commit myself to not allow my fears to govern my behavior and manifest through participation.

I commit myself to working for life as what best for all life. Just got to locate my niche and make some money along the way. I commit myself to facing my resistances and pushing forward with investigating everything.

Day 87 - Dan, Dan the Life Insurance Man..

In this hectic time between school and job, I have chosen to keep my doors wide open, everywhere. It's a goal I set for myself when I started college. Now that I'm here, I see how overwhelming the options can be. First world problems, eh?

So, in creating the experience of ability to move however I chose in this moment, I've created the fear of losing it, which essentially translates to fear of settling down with a 'system' job. Behind this fear lies the sense of my creative character dying. All of the possibilities I've laid out in front of me, all those possible pathways to success, all requiring more work than was evident from this brief thought perspective, all amounting to nothing. I fear that in becoming effective in the current money system, I will lose sight of my dreams and they will die.

This is a crossroads or rite of passage that most go through, in varying circumstances. We settle for a job, placing our dreams on the back-burner. In seeing the pattern, I create the experience of fear and muster a drive to avoid this experience of losing my dreams to the system. I create the belief that I'm different, that I can do both and actualize my dreams while making money...all that is required is a creative, unyielding approach to every problem. Steadfastness.

This mentality of working tirelessly and efficiently is a highly desirable trait for companies. So, if I desired to work for a company that I'm not fully behind, I could position myself to increase the total value of the company. No doubt in my mind that I can become of value to an organization. The thought follows, that a smarter person would create his job. The entrepreneur. A favorably defined role. Someone who takes the lead and trail-blazes his own path.

Today, I am faced with a system job opportunity. One I have never before considered. With a very competitive product, the name of the game is sales. Can I get my clients to see the value? Can I make their decision easier with the facts? This communication skill was the focus of my college study, but I get a bad vibe from sales. Why? Others. People in my past, existing as memories, spawning my thoughts, based on self-judgment as the desire to be liked/likable.

Technically, selling life insurance fits pretty well with my system alignment. My dreams, as unfocused as they may be at this moment, have nothing to do with selling life insurance; however, I do want to develop the skill of conversational confidence while making money, that much is attractive. Also, there is a negative motivation, as pressure to begin a venture (can't live at home for free forever)..

This opportunity will require some more research and a good night's rest. Ideally, I will follow my dreams. Ideally, I will focus on one dream and actualize it in the physical reality. Am I ready to embark on this journey? If not now, what preparation is necessary? Time to stabilize and weigh my options.

credit: enhy
UPDATE: Headquarters is over 2 hrs away. Over it! Back on the hunt for dough rakin' jobs!