Day 372 - Expanding on My Automated Lifestyle

Going with the theme of my last two posts:
Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior

I'm noticing more and more ways that I have subscribed to lifestyles that I don't necessarily want to have anymore. The nail biting opened this point up, where I became aware of myself biting my thumb nail, I stopped and I saw myself choose to continue biting while I distracted myself in a mental analysis of this act, and finally saw the consequential outflow of that choice being automatically repeated on a subconscious level. The general concept here being that the choices we make are stored and executed in future scenarios when applicable.

What's wrong with this? Oh, I'll tell you whats wrong with it! Mainly, it's the perpetuation of the past. The choices I made minutes to years ago may not necessarily be the same choice that I would make in the present moment. New information comes to light. It would be commonsense to adapt one's perspective to meet the most currant criteria, right? And I'm sure that some people are really good at doing this.

But what happens when...oh let's say you come across this online community going by the name of Desteni, and they proclaim that all is one and equal, which practically boils down to doing what is best for all. This destiny shattering perspective implies that one must now shift the starting point of the creation of one's automated lifestyle choices from self-interest to best-for-all-interest. I've been trying to just stop biting my nails for about 6 years.

The obvious point here is that this kind of self-transformation will take a long time. Rumor has it that if I take this process seriously, and everyday, every moment, every breath I apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and corrective application; in 7 years time I will have disintegrated enough of my consciousness programming to see as life. We're all just organic robots with this elaborate mind consciousness system telling us what to thinks, see, hear, and do. Life awareness is tremendously suppressed.

I imagine this life awareness embodied living to be much like freedom from automated lifestyles. There is only a breath and a commonsense action. Not even thinking is required, as the best for all answer is already here as self's instantaneous expression. Aware of every breath. The physical reality is the only reality that  is valid. Supporting other organic robots will be no different than how I supported myself throughout this long journey to life.

But here, it is important to note that creating a future projection of what it might be like to have finished my individual process is not something to get attached to, as that would perpetuate my current perspective. I see it, I let it go. I commit myself to live here in breath.

And now for the dreaded list of programs that I have running my life today. Also important to note here that a negative judgement and taking these habits personally will only prolong my process of realizing and applying the solution. I must stand as the problem and the solution simultaneously if I am to take responsibility for my past and intentionally create the best for all solution that I can practically apply in my daily living.
  • Sleeping in, or napping from a mental tiredness - induced when facing resistance; rather than physically induced tiredness.
  • Eating for pleasure (i.e. sweets) and eating as a way to delay facing resistance.
  • Shopping to get a good deal - allowing those who study the psychology of consumerism manipulate me into buying things I don't really need or even want, oddly enough.
  • Watching mini-marathons of TV episodes - allowing the hook at the end to pull me in to another hour that I wasn't really planning to kill.
  • Exercise, doing it to achieve a value in appearance/ego, rather than simply keeping my physical body in healthy, self-supportive condition.
  • Working for an ego desire to be seen positively by others, rather than working to create a systems that support what is best for all on all levels: personal, interpersonal, & universal.
There are most certainly more programs that I must face. This is just to give an idea of what I am still accepting and allowing at Day 372.

The only choice that remains: Am I going to be self-honest, see the bigger picture and take responsibility to manifest my fullest potential, or am I just going to go with the flow and allow my past to create my future?

...Perhaps realizing your fullest potential isn't going to happen automatically.

Day 371 - Accidental Self Programming

This blog post is a continuation from Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try an over analyze and make a moment of physical decision more than what it simply is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intellectualize my intellectualization by further removing myself from the basic facts of what happened and why, and to have instead written my last blog in separation of my experience, analogous to how I had removed myself from the experience of myself for that single moment of observing myself choosing to continue biting my nail in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue within a physical denial of responsibility when I see myself in a self-abusive pattern, specifically in this case, biting my thumb nail.

I forgive myself that I have continued accepting and allowing this automated decision to delay the stopping of my nail biting habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to make the physical changes that I see in a moment of clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will do as I have always done, within this, seeing how I haven't always done this behavior, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this habit more than what it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than my automated decisions, creating an experience of inability to change, rooted in fear, and confirming this fear with repetitive failure as I subject myself to the whims of these particular energetic parameters instead of realizing my response-ability to direct myself into and as change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the importance of breathing. When and as I see myself trailing off into a mind-moment, I stop, I breathe. I refocus who I am in my physical body, and I make a decision to live what is best in the context of everything and everyone, including myself and my fingernails.

When and as I see myself biting my nails, I stop and I breathe. I see myself, and I commit myself to immediately take a physical action because I realize that if I hesitate, even for a moment, I give my mind time to spin and take me away from the physical, here reality.

When and as I see myself in a repetitive behavior that I don't explicitly and confidently want as a part of my lifestyle, I stop, then I take a breath and look at how did this pattern originate. If I do not immediately see the starting point, I can be sure that this behavior pattern is an outdated automation that I had created in my past and reaffirmed over time. In this case, I commit myself to take note and put forth the time to write about this experience until I am clear within my understanding of how this program came to be. From there, I commit myself to writing/speaking the specific self-forgiveness and corrective application to support myself in the process of real self-change.

I commit myself to take a close look at the relationship wherein I continually allow myself to not change, even when I see the self-compromise within the pattern. I realize that I have the solution as writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application. Expand self-honesty, here. Wholesomeness. Integrity. Self-integrity.

Barring self-judgment, I see, realize, and understand the importance of adhering to true integrity, and I commit myself to move steadfast through my attachments/definitions and limitations that I have accepted and allowed of myself up to here.

Thanks me-I-you-us, for together we stand up for and as the solution.

Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior

This is a core concept that we study in the Desteni Group: How have we automated ourselves as human beings. It's a multidimensional point to look at because firstly there is the mind/body/awareness distinction, there's the unity amongst them, and there are the many layers of logic/emotion within the mind itself. Briefly, who we are is all three, but the distinction can be described as that awareness being who we are, enslaved by the past and future constructs of mind, with the body being our physical expression from which the mind generates or resources all it's energy from. It's like our physical body is a battery for the mental reality, just like in the Matrix! Here's an example of some Desteni material that actually illustrates this point and touches on what I'm going to elaborate on now.

The multi-layered mind holds within it a long history of decisions. We store many memories for the sole purpose of making future decisions easier. This process happens on various levels of consciousness, but primarily we integrate many decision frameworks on a subconscious level in childhood. We continue the process on a more conscious level later one, but the big kicker here is that our conscious decisions are built on the foundation of the subconscious layers. Big surprise: the basic motivations in making these decisions on all the conscious levels are based on avoiding pain and gaining pleasure; fear and desire.

So we've spent our whole lives automating our behaviors, our personalities, our entire perception of reality through a lens of fear and desire within self-interest. The Desteni principle of moving this starting point of self-interest into a starting point of best for all, is merely an act of compassion, integrity, and common sense really. I want what's best for all, but my preexisting mind programs that I've so carefully created to benefit me all those years of my past require an equal care to disengage and realign with my new decision to live by the best for all principle.

Now, putting this all into real life examples, and sharing with you how this point opened up for me. I have yet to stabilize my relationship to the nail biting habit, and I was doing well by not biting them at all for a week, in part because a friend saw my facebook post about breaking this habit and decided he'd strike up a conversation with me about it. We ended the conversation in an agreement to be a support for each other in stopping this obsessive habit. The day we were to speak again, I made a decision that changed everything..

I started to bite one of my nails, I stopped, I thought about what I was about to continue doing, I thought about it more, then I thought about the solution of not doing it AS I CONTINUED TO BITE. As you can see here, I fell. This playout was not a 'stop and breathe' movement. It was a stop and think movement. Interestingly, what really brought my attention to this point was how during the moment I was thinking about the solution and continuing to bite at the same time, my right ear started ringing. I referenced some of the desteni perspectives that I've come across in the past few years to relate the ringing to a misalignment in the structural/physical (right side) 'here' (h-ear) moment, which resonated really well. I was ignoring the physical correction that needed to be put into action in that here-moment.

For the next several days, I continued biting my nails, and I continued investigating the importance of that single moment of accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails, here. I was 'here' with me and my thoughts as I decided to continue biting. This was the moment that I automated an unwanted behavior.

What a silly thing to do. Why would I do that? It's moments like this, where the mind holds contradictions and yet directs us to pay attention to the just the information that suits our immediate desire/fear.

The solution: To stand back up, and begin again with the process of accumulating physical memories of asserting my self-direction with the relationship I have toward the nail biting habit. There are many dimensions of many contexts for which this solution is applicable. We create our reality. I created this relationship to nail biting primarily from a fear starting point of having a nail get ripped off in some freak accident with a screen door slamming shut (memory of this happening to my brother). I see, realize and understand that this relationship, born of fear, does not serve what is in the best interest of all, and thus, I must recreate my mental framework, layer by layer, until I am stable in relation to my nails.

Tomorrow I will continue with the self-forgiveness and corrective application writings. Still to come, How to Program Yourself and Automate Wanted Behaviors.

Day 369 - Playing the Fool

Things just got bumped to the next level of serious. I currently now reside in the small town of Medfield Massachusetts in a quaint little apartment house with Garbrielle Goodrow. She and I have recently embarked on a life venture together known as an Agreement by fellow Destonians. I've spent the past few days just settling in: unpacking, adjusting to the cold weather, getting sick, setting up the internet, the basics.

Tonight was unique in two ways. One, I now live with a dog for the first time in my life! Woo! Two, we tested out the Tarot Cards that I had just unpacked from my luggage of goodies. Our starting point was curiosity, but my reason for bringing them in the first place was to find process points we could walk together. By process points, I mean issues or relationships within ourselves that need to be corrected or aligned into a stability that supports what is best for self and all. It turned out to be the most intense, self-reflecting, reading I've ever done.

Without getting too much into it, I’ll just give the highlights that need to be focused on here in my journey to life. The main card that was pulled was the Fool, and all the following cards were to be read in the context of the first card. In essence, the overall message was not good, and the way that I interpreted it all was by seeing the choice to either continue playing the fool in and of my life, or get self-honest and start directing myself to create outcomes that are best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live a light-hearted and free spirited life, wherein I do not concern myself with real world problems, just enough to survive and support my little world inside my head where I am this awesome person that has nothing weighing me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the outcome of this tarot card reading is inevitable and that I will likely fail in achieving my goals. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to overcome my preprogramming: to act the fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through fearing the playout of my original destiny, I empower it by giving into this fear energy reaction, participating in it, and thus creating a starting point for manifesting it in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear in my self-creation process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed by this tarot card reading into a self-compromising belief and self-judgment, instead of simply acknowledging the information and investigating a practical solution within the creation of myself and how I live on a day to day basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of my past behaviors. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too difficult for me to actually change myself, to create myself in spite of my preprogrammed destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

Taking all into consideration, I commit myself to no longer fearing my own fears, because within this I realize that I disempower myself to overcome fear and direct myself creation efforts from a clear starting point of here and now, within and as a breath.

Also, when and as I see myself looking at my past mistakes and failures in relation to who I want to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not necessarily bound by my past. I commit myself to not judge my past, nor fear it. I commit myself to utilize my memories to see where I might has wanted to do something differently, and then write about it, align the solution within me, and map out how I will walk the correction from now onward, effectively putting the past to good use :)

When and as I see any fear building up within me, I stop, I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go willy-nilly about my world creating outcomes that started from an internal starting point of fear. Within this I realize that I must become more specific with each exact fear to effectively stop this process of mental programming creation. And so, I commit myself to get specific with the fears that still hold me back from unconditional self-expression, and release them through the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I commit myself to flagging all fears for processing as such.

When and as I see that I am desiring to live a care free life, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this luxury is not available in our current world system for anyone AND everyone. Therefore, I commit myself to putting in the man-hours to ensure that I am adequately supporting myself financially, and then putting the extra man-hours to contribute everything I can to the creation of a world system that supports what is best, from birth to death, for all.

Day 368 - Releasing Body Image Attachment

Wikipedia: Masculinity
This is one of those posts that I resist writing because I have an idea about how it won't get finished, it won't be effective, or it's too soon to make this process point public. I'm not standing for my mind to tell me how to behave anymore. If I see a point that I need to address, do I really want a fear of incapability to direct me away from the process of true self-change. Any significant and real change is a process. Which leads me to ask myself: Am I going to continue to allowing my immediate self-judgment mechanism sabotage the process of self-change before I even start?! Trust me it gets old. Save yourself the time and just push yourself to focus on physically verifiable moment-to-moment progress. Today I start with just a small chunk of this personality system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how others make judgments of my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a perfect body image so that I will have an easier time being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked without making an earnest effort or investment in my personal relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be desired, and within this be able to get closer to beautiful girls without having to initiate a conversation and risk being rejected.*

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work out within the starting point of wanting to look more fit and have a 6-pack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place personal value in how I look, where through doing so, I define myself by my appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach value to a mental construction of beauty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a socially constructed concept of what is beautiful or ugly, not realizing that I'm reducing my perception of others to an extremely superficial relationship. This is not how I want to be treated, thus I must stop treating others this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my appearance to the value of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that who I am as one and equal with this physical reality has nothing to do with my appearance as rated by a societal standard.

*I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider the dynamic of fear of rejection within my motivation to become better looking, that I have hidden my fear of rejection behind a wall of positive feedback about how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through others' compliments, where in I become more confident when someone would say I am handsome.

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to look more closely at this dynamic of processing compliments on my physical appearance. I know that I have always felt a little awkward when I get a compliment, and it looks like I have been trying to conceal how this affected my self-concept because I didn't want to admit that I do define myself by and through my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant about my participation in the beauty/ugly polarity mind construct, and so have feared/desired looking a certain way and have judged others for how they look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce my perception and reality of other people down to a snap judgment of sex appeal, completely missing the opportunity to form an authentic connection with another (piece of myself).

When and as I see myself judging another based on their appearance, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are many physical indicators that inform me about another, but limiting my interaction with others because of imperfect physical symmetry is unacceptable. I commit myself to unconditionally open myself up to others, and investigate when a reactive judgment takes place within me. When this happens, I commit myself to write self-forgiveness and release any attachments to the pre-judgment construct in my mind. Ex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my pre-judgments are valid and correct without being 100% sure, and I commit myself to make a physical effort of communication to assess an individual.

When and as I see myself sizing up myself or another on the scale of beauty/ugly, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a mind game, and it's a severe limitation on reality through a narrow perception. I commit myself to align my starting point in social interaction within a stabilizing breath, and to no longer allow my judgment of physical appearance affect who I am while interacting with anyone.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed withing this mind construct of beauty/ugly judgment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is just a mental usurpation of my awareness based on past perspectives, desires, fears, etc. I commit myself to stabilizing myself when and as I see that I am affected by my secret mind's judgment about another's appearance.

As more comes up in relation to this mental phenomena, I commit myself to write and walk the process of understanding myself as this mental phenomena first, so that I can take responsibility for creating with and through it, then forgive it and let it go. Who I am is not a mental judgment. I no longer support this system within consciousness. I will support myself in stopping my participation within it first, and then when I am stable within this one point, I commit myself to support others to see this point for themselves when the opportunity arises.

Thank you.

Day 367 - Participating in the Creation of a Shared Reality

As the only person at the new years party that doesn't drink alcohol, I found myself awkwardly putting my fist up into the mix of plastic red cups as one of the random party goers announces a toast. Just before I did so, I was standing back and observing the situation as an outsider. The spirit of togetherness was embedded in that 'cheers' speech, and the guy said to no one in particular, "come on! I know we can all get in on this." That's when I realized he was, in part, talking to me. Getting everyone involved was more important than the fact that I didn't have a drink in my hand.

It was at this moment that I could see the dynamic of a shared reality in contrast to just observing the scene without even a real awareness that you're even in the room yourself! I reflected on it a bit, and the implications of this realization are expansive, and I will do my best to articulate them here to solidify my understanding and embodiment of them, and to share them with you. I will expand on each with context in posts to come as I commence the process of integrating this concept into actions.

The first and coolest aspect of this realization is that regardless of whether or not you choose to participate in the group dynamic or not, one is still creating reality. In the context of the all-inclusive cheers example, my lack of participating would have had a particular effect on the rest of the group. The main point being that we each have a presence when in a room with other people, and when we're here with people in our immediate environment, we're either within a shared reality, or we're in our minds within a temporary alternate reality.

I don't know about you, but throughout my life, I've spent a lot of time in my own little personal reality, observing and judging those around me. This is where it gets extra interesting: In relation to those around me, I formed opinions and judgments about who I am. This 'who I am' is a mental projection reality version of myself that is idealized and likeable and successful in every area of life. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, my physical participation with others hardly ever matched my internal self-concept formed through judgment. In truth, I actually held myself back from shared reality creation because I have long held a dynamic judgment toward myself, a fear that I would be seen in the same negative light that I see in others.

Moral of the story: judgments are really self-limiting judgments projected onto others, AND this design of judgment is one of those individual alternate mind realities that take us away from the shared group reality. So, just one example of how the mind screws us out of having a good time. But see, the mind is not to blame so much as it is self's choice to go with the mind, into a reality that is not here, is not shared with those in our company. With that:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from others, and within that, suppress myself from fully participating with the shared here-moment, let alone initiate a shared reality. I see, realize and understand this critical moment of being swayed from physical reality up into a mind created reality that primarily includes just myself. I see, realize, and understand how the mind utilizes my identification with the ego-self as a way to justify a prolonged departure into a reality that looks at various dynamics in relation to self as ego only; general examples being fear of judgment, and desire for praise/recognition.

I commit myself to slowly working through each point of self-judgment that the mind uses to keep me invested in alternate realities instead of just walking with common sense from moment to moment. Illustrative personal example from last night: During a drinking game, I observed the only girl left standing in an utter state of inebriation as she continued to attempt getting the ping pong ball in the cup. She was ready to stop and no one would disagree, but the rules of the game and the unspoken need/desire to make it to the end prevented anyone from standing up and saying "enough!" I debated it in my alternate reality creation, playing out the consequences of what would happen if I did assert myself into the situation. The result of this internal debate tends to always favor the mind in terms of protecting the ego, and that's exactly what happened. I eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn't my place to interfere with her choice to play the game. I then projected this conclusion onto the other players of the game, and it seemed to fit their behavior, so I let it go...but did I really let it go? The length of this paragraph shows me that I'm still attached to this moment. There was a lot of mind participation in just this one moment, and I will need to break it down even further.

Side note: This is one reason I resist blogging. A story can open up into another point, and then that point opens up to reveal an interesting dynamic that runs even deeper. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist blogging because I fear that I might write too much on a point that's not directly related to the title of the post, and within this also fearing that if I don't continue to write on the tangent point, that I might miss a critically supportive insight. The solution: Breathe.Take your time. Moving fast is how the mind likes to move (feels good, ego). Moving slow is not, but allows for articulating complexity and bringing a concept into a structured understanding that can be integrated into living application.

More on all this to come. Thanks for reading.