Day 425 - Wishing vs Creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for things to be different, and not accepting that I am 100% responsible for creating my life.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that things are how they are because of me, and what I've chosen to create, accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-victimization, believing that my life circumstances have been determined and given to me by an outside force.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take 100% responsibility for my life and the circumstances I find myself in.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am the solely responsible for my life experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish for a better life, instead of creating one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disempower myself by not recognizing myself as the principle creative force of my life, and thus, not see my expanded responsibility as the principle creative force for all life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to recognize my ability and responsibility to create/manifest the best possible life for myself and those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to initiate and cycle within the sequenced pattern of blame and wishing/hoping for change.


When and as I see myself wishing or hoping for my life experience to change for the better, I stop, I breathe. I realize if it is to be, it's up to me. I commit myself to taking charge to create, with specificity, solutions of an enjoyable life, for me and for all.

When and as I see myself creating an unpleasant/mediocre life experience, I stop, I breathe. I realize that an extraordinary life is not something that is given to me, so I commit myself to initiate the physical, creative processes that resonate with an extraordinary lifestyle.

When and as I see myself blaming other people or external life events for my shitty experiences in life, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am the creator, and I commit myself to investigate exactly how I've manifested any particular experience in life that I want to change, so that I may take full responsibility for the self-change that needs to happen to end the specific manifestation of unwanted consequences.

Day 373 - Consistency is KEY: Realigning What I Want

So there is this point that's been opening up for me in my past few blogs (Day 372, 371 & 370), and it just keeps getting better. It is becoming increasingly apparent how exactly I'm automating my behavior, how I subscribe to a particular repetitive choice. A new dimension opened up for me just a moment ago: This feeling of need to finish what I've started.

I typically shame myself for not finishing what I start, and I've for a long time reconciled this personality flaw by calling myself "overly ambitious," which is really just a fancy way of saying 'lazy'. The more I dig at this point, the closer I get to locking in that unifying solution, that complete picture. But even here, I see myself standing in separation of the solution, placing myself structurally 'in need' of a grand solution, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding my self-responsibility to enact the commonsense best for all solution in moment by moment living.

Moment to moment: herein lies a great key to success. Why do I get caught up still in projecting an idea of success and then become anxious about how to get there? Why do I focus so much attention on fear of failure? Am I really so caught up in defining myself by external event/judgments? Is it not obvious that moment to moment, consistent application is all that is required?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not reach the goals that I see myself achieving, because in this, I am placing myself in separation of that achievement and thus am in relationship to it. This relationship is oriented through desire and/or fear, 'what ifs' and whatever energies that I am most comfortable participating with in my mind to keep me from stabilizing myself here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the here moment is the only moment where I may live as I want to live. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diffuse my ambition through a cycle of mental participation, instead of realizing my responsibility to create in the physical in the one, here moment.

Specifically, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "I can't do this right," "I don't know what to do," "I don't know how to be successful."

Ahh, I'm caught up in the how...classic mistake. What is my why? Why do I want to be consistent and achieve success? Do I really even want to make a success of myself? YES, so why not make a movement right now to define my hows and get it done. Translate my ultimate why into smaller, more practically applicable steps, and make them my habit.

This is the power of habit creation! What is the 'why' behind my bad habits? Forgive them. Why do I want the good habits, and why aren't I acting now to achieve my goal? Find the resistance points. Forgive self for accepting and allowing these self-created limitations to put a damper on my deepest motive. Live the correction immediately.

I am an expression of physical material in every moment. The trail I leave is composed of my every physical action I make within Earth's Journey through space-time.

What do I stand for? What is my ultimate why? And why am I not living every moment consistently in alignment with this?

A taste of my investigation. Hope you've enjoyed.

flickr photo credit

Day 372 - Expanding on My Automated Lifestyle

Going with the theme of my last two posts:
Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior

Day 371 - Accidental Self Programming

I'm noticing more and more ways that I have subscribed to lifestyles that I don't necessarily want to have anymore. The nail biting opened this point up, where I became aware of myself biting my thumb nail, I stopped and I saw myself choose to continue biting while I distracted myself in a mental analysis of this act, and finally saw the consequential outflow of that choice being automatically repeated on a subconscious level. The general concept here being that the choices we make are stored and executed in future scenarios when applicable.

What's wrong with this? Oh, I'll tell you whats wrong with it! Mainly, it's the perpetuation of the past. The choices I made minutes to years ago may not necessarily be the same choice that I would make in the present moment. New information comes to light. It would be commonsense to adapt one's perspective to meet the most currant criteria, right? And I'm sure that some people are really good at doing this.

But what happens when...oh let's say you come across this online community going by the name of Desteni, and they proclaim that all is one and equal, which practically boils down to doing what is best for all. This destiny shattering perspective implies that one must now shift the starting point of the creation of one's automated lifestyle choices from self-interest to best-for-all-interest. I've been trying to just stop biting my nails for about 6 years.

The obvious point here is that this kind of self-transformation will take a long time. Rumor has it that if I take this process seriously, and everyday, every moment, every breath I apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and corrective application; in 7 years time I will have disintegrated enough of my consciousness programming to see as life. We're all just organic robots with this elaborate mind consciousness system telling us what to thinks, see, hear, and do. Life awareness is tremendously suppressed.

I imagine this life awareness embodied living to be much like freedom from automated lifestyles. There is only a breath and a commonsense action. Not even thinking is required, as the best for all answer is already here as self's instantaneous expression. Aware of every breath. The physical reality is the only reality that  is valid. Supporting other organic robots will be no different than how I supported myself throughout this long journey to life.

But here, it is important to note that creating a future projection of what it might be like to have finished my individual process is not something to get attached to, as that would perpetuate my current perspective. I see it, I let it go. I commit myself to live here in breath.

And now for the dreaded list of programs that I have running my life today. Also important to note here that a negative judgement and taking these habits personally will only prolong my process of realizing and applying the solution. I must stand as the problem and the solution simultaneously if I am to take responsibility for my past and intentionally create the best for all solution that I can practically apply in my daily living.

• Sleeping in, or napping from a mental tiredness - induced when facing resistance; rather than physically induced tiredness.
• Eating for pleasure (i.e. sweets) and eating as a way to delay facing resistance.
• Shopping to get a good deal - allowing those who study the psychology of consumerism manipulate me into buying things I don't really need or even want, oddly enough.
• Watching mini-marathons of TV episodes - allowing the hook at the end to pull me in to another hour that I wasn't really planning to kill.
• Exercise, doing it to achieve a value in appearance/ego, rather than simply keeping my physical body in healthy, self-supportive condition.
• Working for an ego desire to be seen positively by others, rather than working to create a systems that support what is best for all on all levels: personal, interpersonal, & universal.

There are most certainly more programs that I must face. This is just to give an idea of what I am still accepting and allowing at Day 372.

The only choice that remains: Am I going to be self-honest, see the bigger picture and take responsibility to manifest my fullest potential, or am I just going to go with the flow and allow my past to create my future?

...Perhaps realizing your fullest potential isn't going to happen automatically.
lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 367 - Participating in the Creation of a Shared Reality

As the only person at the new years party that doesn't drink alcohol, I found myself awkwardly putting my fist up into the mix of plastic red cups as one of the random party goers announces a toast. Just before I did so, I was standing back and observing the situation as an outsider. The spirit of togetherness was embedded in that 'cheers' speech, and the guy said to no one in particular, "come on! I know we can all get in on this." That's when I realized he was, in part, talking to me. Getting everyone involved was more important than the fact that I didn't have a drink in my hand.

It was at this moment that I could see the dynamic of a shared reality in contrast to just observing the scene without even a real awareness that you're even in the room yourself! I reflected on it a bit, and the implications of this realization are expansive, and I will do my best to articulate them here to solidify my understanding and embodiment of them, and to share them with you. I will expand on each with context in posts to come as I commence the process of integrating this concept into actions.

The first and coolest aspect of this realization is that regardless of whether or not you choose to participate in the group dynamic or not, one is still creating reality. In the context of the all-inclusive cheers example, my lack of participating would have had a particular effect on the rest of the group. The main point being that we each have a presence when in a room with other people, and when we're here with people in our immediate environment, we're either within a shared reality, or we're in our minds within a temporary alternate reality.

I don't know about you, but throughout my life, I've spent a lot of time in my own little personal reality, observing and judging those around me. This is where it gets extra interesting: In relation to those around me, I formed opinions and judgments about who I am. This 'who I am' is a mental projection reality version of myself that is idealized and likeable and successful in every area of life. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, my physical participation with others hardly ever matched my internal self-concept formed through judgment. In truth, I actually held myself back from shared reality creation because I have long held a dynamic judgment toward myself, a fear that I would be seen in the same negative light that I see in others.

Moral of the story: judgments are really self-limiting judgments projected onto others, AND this design of judgment is one of those individual alternate mind realities that take us away from the shared group reality. So, just one example of how the mind screws us out of having a good time. But see, the mind is not to blame so much as it is self's choice to go with the mind, into a reality that is not here, is not shared with those in our company. With that:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from others, and within that, suppress myself from fully participating with the shared here-moment, let alone initiate a shared reality. I see, realize and understand this critical moment of being swayed from physical reality up into a mind created reality that primarily includes just myself. I see, realize, and understand how the mind utilizes my identification with the ego-self as a way to justify a prolonged departure into a reality that looks at various dynamics in relation to self as ego only; general examples being fear of judgment, and desire for praise/recognition.

I commit myself to slowly working through each point of self-judgment that the mind uses to keep me invested in alternate realities instead of just walking with common sense from moment to moment. Illustrative personal example from last night: During a drinking game, I observed the only girl left standing in an utter state of inebriation as she continued to attempt getting the ping pong ball in the cup. She was ready to stop and no one would disagree, but the rules of the game and the unspoken need/desire to make it to the end prevented anyone from standing up and saying "enough!" I debated it in my alternate reality creation, playing out the consequences of what would happen if I did assert myself into the situation. The result of this internal debate tends to always favor the mind in terms of protecting the ego, and that's exactly what happened. I eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn't my place to interfere with her choice to play the game. I then projected this conclusion onto the other players of the game, and it seemed to fit their behavior, so I let it go...but did I really let it go? The length of this paragraph shows me that I'm still attached to this moment. There was a lot of mind participation in just this one moment, and I will need to break it down even further.

Side note: This is one reason I resist blogging. A story can open up into another point, and then that point opens up to reveal an interesting dynamic that runs even deeper. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist blogging because I fear that I might write too much on a point that's not directly related to the title of the post, and within this also fearing that if I don't continue to write on the tangent point, that I might miss a critically supportive insight. The solution: Breathe.Take your time. Moving fast is how the mind likes to move (feels good, ego). Moving slow is not, but allows for articulating complexity and bringing a concept into a structured understanding that can be integrated into living application.

More on all this to come. Thanks for reading.

pic credit

Day 365 - Making it more than what it is

Ahhhhh, this point has been compounding in my psyche for the past year! It's perfectionism. It's a desire to be perceived in a certain light. It's fuel for procrastination even.

I was going to write a Desteni witness statement today and layout the changes that I've seen in myself since I started applying myself in this process. Turns out that I can write A LOT on the topic. The witness statement project was taken on by several others in the group while I was visiting the farm in South Africa. I didn't participate because I didn't feel confident in the actual progress I'd made so far in process.  Today, I am able to share some noticeable points of change, but I want to be clear and concise with it.

For now, I am just going to start with ironing out this relationship I have for making things to be more than what they really are. For the past year, I've made Desteni to be more than what it is. The result of this was unintentionally alienating myself from everyone around me. Foolish mortal! Lol. The fact is, Desteni is just a set of tools that assist in clarifying a tainted perspective, namely writing and self-forgiveness. Making it out to be anything more IS the tainted perspective that made it so much harder to be heard by others (especially those who have perspectives tainted in the other direction!). To neutralize my relationship to Desteni has been a long process, that I'm just now getting a grip on.

Bottom line realizations of the day: I don't have to be perfect. I don't care if others can't yet see the value of applying the Desteni tools. What I care about, is that I'm consistently moving myself. To allow procrastination is simply saying that I believe my mind has more power than my will. And all those little thoughts that say don't try because you will probably fail...I'm so over it.

I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination because of the relationship I have with actually doing something "difficult" and blowing it out of proportion, so that the risk of failure is too much to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a single outcome, which is how I create a self-movement action to be blown out of proportion, and within that accentuate the fear that paralyzes me while I sit and justify postponement...in many cases, this leads to a missed opportunity which is desirable from that limited, fear-tainted perspective, but looking back at the whole picture in self-honesty, it's much better to stand and face the fear, than to run from fear over and over again.

Herein lies a Destonian key. The principle of accumulation. Start standing up and transcending fears, one by one, and they add up. I have found that when you run away from one fear, you run right into the same fear in a new situation. Oh it is preposterous and shameful in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence of repeating the same fear experience when I give into that fear.

Examples of fears that I am referencing while I write this. Breaking the ice and talking to girls in grade school. Over and over, same fear, new face. Fear of rejection/ridicule blown out of proportion. So many times I've suppressed my self-expression within this fear. More relevant to today is...actually it's the same fear! With just a different context, I also fear rejection and ridicule of my self-expression through writing. This causes me to resist posting and relates to the perfectionism disease. Through the desire of the perfect outcome, I'm actually trying to control how other's judge me. Ahhhhhh! The limitation I'm placing on myself because of what I think you will think of me! Ahhhh! You think what you will, that's your deal. What I think about me in my writing, my self-expressive moments, the fears that I allow to suppress me to keep me safe from negative judgement is SUPER silly because of the circle. I'm experiencing the fear of the fear that I'm trying to prevent through that fear. This stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear experiences in an attempt to prevent my fears from manifesting, not realizing that through my relationship and participation within that fear, I am actually setting the stage for that fear to manifest in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inflate the fear of my fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I fear must be prevented at all costs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be defined by self-expression that isn't perfect or socially loved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape and conform my self-expression into and through a narrow set of social rules in hopes to be liked by my peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-worth according to the feedback I get from my peers in how cool they think I am, how much they talk to me and include me with the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in accordance to my inclusion within a group of people.

I forgive myself for making acceptance by a group of others more than what it really is, thus inflating the fear of being excluded.

That's the point. I overvalue what my expression means in the eyes of others. I care to much what they say. I define myself by their judgments. It's not useless information, but to allow fear in here, and then to allow myself to amplify that fear to the point that I massively suppress my self-expression and then end up sabotaging my relationships, manifesting that fear that I feared...this is unacceptable. And for doing this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed with the fear of my fears manifesting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself so narrowly as one miss-take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to blog everyday, for me alone, for me in my process, for actual movement through the layers of tainted-perspective. I'm accumulating a clarity within that I have never known before. To limit this process within a starting point of that same childhood fear of being excluded from the group is negligent self-sabotage. And for that I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my expression in fear of being excluded from the group, from power, not realizing that acting through this fear is the process of manifesting it.

--

This post went on longer than I wanted it to, but it's okay. This is for me and for those willing to walk with. The one's that would read 1/6 of the way down and say "this is stupid" are not my problem. I don't know why I have even been trying to remain in their group. Asking the question comes with the answer :)  - the coolest part of process. I wanted to remain in all or as many groups as possible in my quest for more and more power / influence. If you reject/ridicule me, I am less significant in your life, and that hurts my self-definition. Ouch. But the solution here is easy! I see the point, and now all I have to do is let go of that self-definition dynamic. How? Duh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is defined by the group of people that accept or reject me. Why did I do this?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to create my reality within and without, but to have instead relied on other to tell me what myself and my reality is.

Shoot. The point within and behind the other point. Okay, quick recap of today's points:

1. Making a desired/feared outcome more than it really is.
2. Fear begetting fear.
3. Trying to control the outcome / other's judgments of me.
4. Self-worth derived from public opinion
5. Yielding to others to create my world and reality.

This has been a cool post for me to see how I went from only looking at the surface point, to doing a self-honest investigation of what fears and beliefs compose that surface point. Digging deeper through self-forgiveness and self introspection. Realizing that this will go even deeper when I investigate the patterns of insecurity in relation to creating reality as an equal participant as anyone here on earth. 

It ain't over until I, as one and equal with the Fat Lady, sing! ;)

cc

(note: the change in writing voice from the beginning to the end. I went from explaining a point to walking process. check yourself)