Day 435 - A Fresh Start

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling to the past, find comfort and security in what is known, and so fear the creative self-movement in the here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself to direct my creative capacity within the sea of potential that exists in each moment here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT embrace the potentials in each moment, and so give in to fear and limitations of comfort.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace each new day as a fresh start, a blank canvas for creation.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself see, realize and understand the potential to start fresh in each moment, in every breath - to within this access my highest living potential and direct myself specifically in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that this is too tall a task, and so give into the mind, allowing the my past programming to be the authority within my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the mind, and repeat patterns of self-abuse because I have been too afraid to embrace the creative potential of a fresh start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be good enough when and as I take creative authority as the directive principle of life.

--

When and as I see myself fearing the potential saturated moment here, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can slow my mind down within the breath, and give myself more time to discover my optimal self-direction in any given moment. I commit myself to remain slow, giving, forgiving, and always willing to substantiate the best for all potential within a fresh start.

When and as I see myself in repeating patterns, substantiating the patterns of the past, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can broaden my perspective and consider more supportive ways. I commit myself to really giving my best effort to choose and direct myself to support what is best for all life here.

When and as I see my personal, inner-baggage interfering with my self-directive capacity to substantiate best for all movement, I stop, I breathe. I realize that even with walking my process at maximum resolve, in every breath, I still have a long way to go. I commit myself to constantly reassessing myself, my actions and my choices to cross reference them with the best for all simulations, so that I do not misstep for any extended periods of time.

When and as I see myself holding onto the past, I stop, I breathe. I realize the power and significance of orienting to 'here forward.' I commit myself to create me anew, until my living is purely aligned with the expression of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop fearing my potential. I commit myself to embrace my potential. I commit myself to stop sabotaging my process. I commit myself to clearing my head for a fresh start, when and as needed. I commit myself to walk what is here, and create a world that is best for all.

Day 425 - Wishing vs Creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for things to be different, and not accepting that I am 100% responsible for creating my life.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that things are how they are because of me, and what I've chosen to create, accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-victimization, believing that my life circumstances have been determined and given to me by an outside force.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take 100% responsibility for my life and the circumstances I find myself in.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am the solely responsible for my life experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish for a better life, instead of creating one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disempower myself by not recognizing myself as the principle creative force of my life, and thus, not see my expanded responsibility as the principle creative force for all life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to recognize my ability and responsibility to create/manifest the best possible life for myself and those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to initiate and cycle within the sequenced pattern of blame and wishing/hoping for change.


When and as I see myself wishing or hoping for my life experience to change for the better, I stop, I breathe. I realize if it is to be, it's up to me. I commit myself to taking charge to create, with specificity, solutions of an enjoyable life, for me and for all.

When and as I see myself creating an unpleasant/mediocre life experience, I stop, I breathe. I realize that an extraordinary life is not something that is given to me, so I commit myself to initiate the physical, creative processes that resonate with an extraordinary lifestyle.

When and as I see myself blaming other people or external life events for my shitty experiences in life, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am the creator, and I commit myself to investigate exactly how I've manifested any particular experience in life that I want to change, so that I may take full responsibility for the self-change that needs to happen to end the specific manifestation of unwanted consequences.

Day 389 - Redefining RESPONSIBILITY for Myself

Continuing from yesterday:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility because I wanted the "freedom" of having little or no responsibility, not realizing the equation of responsibility = power = freedom. I realize that I've been deluding myself to believe that RESPONSIBILITY is a 'bad' thing...and now that I see the vast implications of this poorly defined word. I commit myself to continue with the redefinition of the word responsibility in my next post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live myself in relation to 'responsibility' without fully understanding what this word means, what I've created it to mean, how I think and feel about the word, and who I am as my expression in the context of 'responsibility.'

What I found yesterday was that my definition of responsibility is tainted with an energetic charge. With just a moment's look at this point, a hazy memory activates where I recall making the choice to desire freedom from responsibilities. As I continue to introspect here, I see how I've attached the word 'restriction' to 'responsibility' where the backchat goes like "Having responsibilities means I'm obligated to do something, and if I don't do it, then I'd get in trouble...better off just avoiding responsibility whenever I can."

Man oh man, Dan. So this is some insight into my current definition of how I live/lead my life when it comes to responsibilities. Thanks for being self-honest Dan. Now I can redefine this word, and accordingly change myself. Now with awareness, I commit myself to creating my self-expression through responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative emotional charge to the word 'obligation' through a polarity equation of the positive word 'freedom'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I've created my relationship toward 'responsibility' through a negative charge in relation to positively charged feelings within my relationship 'freedom'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must also redefine all the related words to 'responsibility', like 'freedom', 'obligation', 'power', and even 'creation'. I realize there are many words that I have accepted into myself and lived/expressed myself through them without ever questioning my relationship to these words, these foundational building blocks of my self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'responsibility' as 'obligation' as negative and so better to be avoided.


Now, I'm seeing another dimension: Being responsible means that I am subject to judgment and criticism from others. "Best to keep my head low to avoid being blamed for doing something wrong," goes the backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, accept and allow the backchat: "Best to avoid the risk of being held responsible for something negative, where others can label me and define me in a negative light."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined negatively by others, through a belief that "if my social network disowns me, then I will not survive." The bottom line here is survival, though this extreme isn't in awareness when experiencing the fear of rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how I perceive others will judge me as a function that I have no control over. Within this pattern, I assume the worst case scenarios where I am a victim of bullying, and more specifically, social excommunication...so if I keep a low profile and assert myself only when I can be sure that I will be positively judged for my assertion, then I can dodge my fear of ridicule and rejection.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I've avoided responsibility in my life because I feared being ridiculed and rejected. This is a dimension of self-insecurity, wherein I am not standing as a pillar of stability within myself. Nope. I have been defining myself according how others see me, and so have shaped my entire social personality around being likable, and within this, I've avoided responsibility because there is more risk for failure, rejection, ridicule, and negative judgement which can lead to not being able to survive or have a great life.

So two main dimensions here:
1) Responsibility is not equal to freedom.
2) Responsibility is being subject to the judgement of others (which I have allowed me to define myself by)

For these points, I forgive myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these statements of self-disillusionment to live within me. I forgive myself that I had not given myself the time and opportunity to write out this whole system/definition of 'responsibility' in self-honesty, so I may from there walk myself through the living correction process.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for my definition of 'responsibility' so that I may live and express myself responsibly in the context of what is best for all. This is how I will actualize my utmost potential.

I've now exposed and released my old definitions embedded in the word 'responsibility'. Tomorrow, I will continue with completing the redefinition process, which is also known as: Self-creation.


Recommended additional reading on the Redefining of Word Process:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-116-re-defining-words-to-living.html

photo source

Day 377 - The Art of Self-Love

I've not been showing myself the love that I know to be true.

As some of my readers may already know, I've not been so consistent with my "daily" blogging. In the beginning, I forced myself to pump out a blog every day, even if it meant producing a sub-par post. I did this because I was more concerned about proving myself to myself and my readers that I could maintain a daily blog. I realized that I was compromising myself by not giving myself enough time to get to the nitty-gritty of my inner self and mind consciousness systems that I was finding within my being, so I disbanded that external pressure to post everyday (before midnight) in an attempt to produce high quality content.

It turned into a backdoor for excuses to not push through the resistance toward writing publicly. These excuses would transform and upgrade over time. It's imperative to find a system to keep this in check, and that's exactly what I've been missing. Now, this applies to everything and everyone. Whatever it is that you really want to do, but don't - you must do. Why? This is self-love.

Now must be clear that this DOES NOT include the things that you want to do. This is art of self-love is a caring, compassionate, considerate giving of yourself to yourself. It's about what you REALLY WANT, which is nothing short of what is best for all. How do I know that? I've tested it. "Give as you would like to receive" is legitimate. I can't really enjoy myself if I'm in such a state of self-interest that I don't consider the wholesome consequences of my words/actions in the context of the biggest picture.

But here's the interesting part: I didn't realize the format of self-interest that I have been in these past few months. It didn't look like the expected form of self-interest which kind of looks like an egocentric, greedy person in my mind. It was on the other end of the spectrum. There was a new form of financial uncertainty that I was going through and I couldn't see it clearly because I hadn't experienced it before AND because I wasn't writing consistently. Being consistent in any venture is one of the pivotal for success. In the Journey to Life process, it's no different. Consistent application yields quantifiable results.

To do less than everything you can is a sign that you've let resistance determine your self-direction. To be stable and consistent allows an individual to thrive in their pursuit of any goal. What is self-love, but thriving and growing and becoming your highest potential to leave this world better off than when it was when you were born?

See, that's the kicker that us Destonians get. Self-Love is All-Love. Self is Other. You could argue that it's human nature to be self-interested pleasure seeking survivalists, but once you really understand the mind, and yourself in relation to the mind, to support what is Best for All is common sense. To embody and live by the principle of what is Best for All requires a process, hence this 7-year journey to life blog. And what does a process require? Consistency.

--

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have been compromising my self-love by casually allowing myself to go into resistance energy instead of standing stable and walking my process consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine my process by not giving myself the structured commitment to remain consistent in my expression of self-love as self-support through writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to temporarily hide my acceptance of excuses/justifications, so that I could delay being self-honest, not realizing that this seemingly innocent delay of self-honesty is, in fact, self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my wants and desires that are a function of my individual satisfaction, before common sense that is rooted in wholesome consideration of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a system of self-application that would support me to be consistent within my process. For example: I started placing my #1 priority into a 'special box' and can only put one priority in at a time. This has helped me stay focused. There are many creative ways to support yourself. Find something that works for you!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences procrastination and inconsistency.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to clearly define each process and the steps I must take first to become successful in my pursuit of what is best.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize the pattern of self-abuse that is not self-love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive the importance/value of self-love as less than what it is.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to define self-love.

When and as I see myself in a state of inconsistent self application, I stop I breathe. I commit to take a look at who I've been within my recent decisions. I commit myself to create a shift within myself to get back to a physical process which can measured. I commit myself to do what needs to be done to create this alignment with me. I commit myself to always return to physicality and hold myself responsible to do so.

When and as I see myself delaying responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I must more clearly define why and/or how I must move myself to create in the physical reality, I shall do so. I commit myself to clarify uncertainties that allow me to more easily move into excuses and justifications.

When and as I see myself moving within self-interest and denial of the biggest picture, I stop, I breathe in, I hold this breath for 3 seconds, I stabilize myself in my physical body, I stop the energy that urges my involvement, I breathe out, I apply myself in the physical reality through/with/as the principle of doing what is best for all, because I realize that this is what I really want. This is Self-Love.

Day 373 - Consistency is KEY: Realigning What I Want

So there is this point that's been opening up for me in my past few blogs (Day 372, 371 & 370), and it just keeps getting better. It is becoming increasingly apparent how exactly I'm automating my behavior, how I subscribe to a particular repetitive choice. A new dimension opened up for me just a moment ago: This feeling of need to finish what I've started.

I typically shame myself for not finishing what I start, and I've for a long time reconciled this personality flaw by calling myself "overly ambitious," which is really just a fancy way of saying 'lazy'. The more I dig at this point, the closer I get to locking in that unifying solution, that complete picture. But even here, I see myself standing in separation of the solution, placing myself structurally 'in need' of a grand solution, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding my self-responsibility to enact the commonsense best for all solution in moment by moment living.

Moment to moment: herein lies a great key to success. Why do I get caught up still in projecting an idea of success and then become anxious about how to get there? Why do I focus so much attention on fear of failure? Am I really so caught up in defining myself by external event/judgments? Is it not obvious that moment to moment, consistent application is all that is required?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not reach the goals that I see myself achieving, because in this, I am placing myself in separation of that achievement and thus am in relationship to it. This relationship is oriented through desire and/or fear, 'what ifs' and whatever energies that I am most comfortable participating with in my mind to keep me from stabilizing myself here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the here moment is the only moment where I may live as I want to live. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diffuse my ambition through a cycle of mental participation, instead of realizing my responsibility to create in the physical in the one, here moment.

Specifically, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "I can't do this right," "I don't know what to do," "I don't know how to be successful."

Ahh, I'm caught up in the how...classic mistake. What is my why? Why do I want to be consistent and achieve success? Do I really even want to make a success of myself? YES, so why not make a movement right now to define my hows and get it done. Translate my ultimate why into smaller, more practically applicable steps, and make them my habit.

This is the power of habit creation! What is the 'why' behind my bad habits? Forgive them. Why do I want the good habits, and why aren't I acting now to achieve my goal? Find the resistance points. Forgive self for accepting and allowing these self-created limitations to put a damper on my deepest motive. Live the correction immediately.

I am an expression of physical material in every moment. The trail I leave is composed of my every physical action I make within Earth's Journey through space-time.

What do I stand for? What is my ultimate why? And why am I not living every moment consistently in alignment with this?

A taste of my investigation. Hope you've enjoyed.

flickr photo credit

Day 371 - Accidental Self Programming

This blog post is a continuation from Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try an over analyze and make a moment of physical decision more than what it simply is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intellectualize my intellectualization by further removing myself from the basic facts of what happened and why, and to have instead written my last blog in separation of my experience, analogous to how I had removed myself from the experience of myself for that single moment of observing myself choosing to continue biting my nail in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue within a physical denial of responsibility when I see myself in a self-abusive pattern, specifically in this case, biting my thumb nail.

I forgive myself that I have continued accepting and allowing this automated decision to delay the stopping of my nail biting habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to make the physical changes that I see in a moment of clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will do as I have always done, within this, seeing how I haven't always done this behavior, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this habit more than what it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than my automated decisions, creating an experience of inability to change, rooted in fear, and confirming this fear with repetitive failure as I subject myself to the whims of these particular energetic parameters instead of realizing my response-ability to direct myself into and as change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the importance of breathing. When and as I see myself trailing off into a mind-moment, I stop, I breathe. I refocus who I am in my physical body, and I make a decision to live what is best in the context of everything and everyone, including myself and my fingernails.

When and as I see myself biting my nails, I stop and I breathe. I see myself, and I commit myself to immediately take a physical action because I realize that if I hesitate, even for a moment, I give my mind time to spin and take me away from the physical, here reality.

When and as I see myself in a repetitive behavior that I don't explicitly and confidently want as a part of my lifestyle, I stop, then I take a breath and look at how did this pattern originate. If I do not immediately see the starting point, I can be sure that this behavior pattern is an outdated automation that I had created in my past and reaffirmed over time. In this case, I commit myself to take note and put forth the time to write about this experience until I am clear within my understanding of how this program came to be. From there, I commit myself to writing/speaking the specific self-forgiveness and corrective application to support myself in the process of real self-change.

I commit myself to take a close look at the relationship wherein I continually allow myself to not change, even when I see the self-compromise within the pattern. I realize that I have the solution as writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application. Expand self-honesty, here. Wholesomeness. Integrity. Self-integrity.

Barring self-judgment, I see, realize, and understand the importance of adhering to true integrity, and I commit myself to move steadfast through my attachments/definitions and limitations that I have accepted and allowed of myself up to here.

Thanks me-I-you-us, for together we stand up for and as the solution.

Day 351 - Attached to the Memories of My Habits

There are so many points to write about and realize, and I'm just delaying the whole process because I'm stuck in an emotional relationship to my past choices and unwittingly perpetuating destructive patterns because I haven't really forgiven myself specifically.

Writing is not a habit that I can afford to stop. I have seen how much I'm progressed through writing, why stop now? I have been writing less consistently for awhile now and in general I see it is because I'm stuck in memories. My past contains memories that are familiar in respect to who I am in relation to my environment. So, my comfort zone is literally composed of memories. In this process of self expansion, I have to let go of my familiar, comfortable relationships to people/places/things to discover who I am in relation to the new and unfamiliar people/environments. And I'm now realizing that it's not just expanding my relationship to various nouns, it's also letting go of and discovering new: verbs!

Changing a habit or two can change your entire life. I am finding myself in a position where I have the tools to change all my habits from self-interest based to best for all based. This will not just change my life, but will also have a significant ripple effect. Leading by example, with the example being a consistent, principled living, with the principle being to act in the best interest of all. But I've gotten ahead of myself before, and I recognize this haste pattern, so I commit myself to slow down, and walk a physical timeline that is in alignment with this principled living. Firstly, I have to change one habit. Funny, you'd think that'd be obvious.

I am now making a decision to change one fundamental habit that will most certainly make my life easier: Giving up.

There are many, many moments for which the decision to uphold a new habit, or shut down a bad habit, must be applied. This is the area where I stumble. I understand what it would take to change myself, but I don't yet have the practice to confidently stick to the commitments I make. This plays out most severely in my relationship with nail biting. Alcohol was the first habit I stopped, but with this point my memories were already mostly seen in a negative light. Stopping consumption of donuts wasn't very difficult because it was so specific...interesting. With donuts, my starting point was to test myself, and although I have been successful, I still occasionally pursue other sweets to satisfy that sugar craving. Stopping porn was a bit more stubborn, but once I was clear in my relationship to it as intentional disillusionment and saw how it was affecting my relationships with real life women, I stopped it permanently. (For more support with stopping porn, check out Porn+Alt+Delete)

What can I learn from here? Where exactly am I stumbling? It appears that the successful implementation of a new habit depends on a few factors, some of which include specificity of the new habit, comprehensively understanding the motivations of the old habits, as well as understanding the basis of the new habits. Through writing, I commit myself to slow down and expose my existing habits and all relevant components thereof, AND I commit myself to write the specifics of the new habits, to be clear within myself of the alignment and choice to follow through with a permanent self change.

I'll expand more on changing habits in the days to come. I am currently walking through nail biting, and procrastination (still)<--note: self-judgement. And I have to walk the physical process of writing, accepting my current state, so that I may choose to stop allowing what I've been accepting. The beginning and the end, together as one, the key to self-change. Remove this self-judgement, for in a stance separation, I am disempowering myself to be able to direct myself as one and equal with all parts of me that I have been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through a perspective of knowing what I should be doing, while my physical participation doesn't cooperate. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself, within myself, into and as an idealized concept/image and a real/physical. Within this, I realize that I am creating a friction and frustration from the mind perspective of the image/ego, looking at myself in the physical, in separation, and seeing inconsistency. I commit myself to take a breath and move within the realization that I am my physical body, instead of just judging myself and creating friction and then getting no where.

I commit myself to take the necessary step and do what it takes to produce real, lasting self change. Step by step, I forgive and release my inconsiderate, self(only) interested personalities and habit sets, to align my living, physical application and habits with what is best for all.

Day 346 - Prioritizing Purpose

Continuing from Day 345 Aligning Purpose with Participation.

To sum it up in 3 words:  Best for All


In my own words, this means applying myself to do what is best in the context of everything, all points considered. This is seemingly a tough to ridiculous standard to hold oneself to. Now why is that? Ahhh, that is the question. To be or not to be, principled and living in equality?

I have experienced much difficulty in living the principle of what is Best for All consistently. Walking with Desteni for some time, I've reached a level of knowing that it's physical process to become a constant expression within what is best for all. A physical process takes time, but in the mind, I can think about myself rather quickly. This inflated view of oneself (ego) is just like anything else that becomes inflated: It pops. The illusionary bubble pops when the physical reveals what is reality.

So this idea that living a life in alignment with what is best for all is something difficult or impossible, is the result of investing in the idea of oneself in and as the mind. We as minds don't want to see oneness and equality for many reasons. Check for yourself. (Prompt: Why don't I want to see oneness and equality?)

When and as I see myself out of alignment with what is best for all, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the director of myself, and that even the energies, feelings and emotions that I give in to is an acceptance and allowance of self as less than these energies. I commit myself to realizing the physical reward while letting go of the energy addiction that leads to procrastination.

This is where prioritization comes in. I had previously mentioned the importance of mapping out purpose in the physical, but what's more is that the priority system that must be used to discern what would bring the most benefit all to all must be based on the physical. When looking at priorities, there are many dimensions that once can take into consideration, and this is why 'Best for All' is so nice to work with. We check the alignment of purpose in a comprehensive and physical context, rather than the all too common, blind following of our own mind-energy movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my directive power to my mind by doing what I feel I want to do, instead of considering reality first, as my starting point for self-movement. When and as I see that I am feeling powerless to the desire to procrastinate, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am a physical being, living by the laws of energies that I have programmed throughout my life, and I commit myself to breathing and dissipating that energy, and walking the physcial process of bringing my self-directive will into full application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I must slow down and break down the physical process of moving myself in a context that MATTERs. When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed and unable to continue working toward my physically based, higher purpose, I stop I breathe. I realize here that I can redefine my problem, my context, and whatever I am facing in a moment by stopping the energy participation and having a real look myself in a physical reality context. Within this, I commit myself to mapping out my priorities to make sure that I am effective (first thing's first) and not compromising myself by just feeling my energy experience, and not having a comprehensive consideration of all relevant points.

Within all of this. I realize I am taking on a good chunk of my personality makeup. I commit myself to walk slowly and thoroughly through all of this, to not get ahead of myself and go into an energy reaction of disappointment/discouragement/self-defeat (another system that does not serve what's best for me or all. Mark for deletion.)

I commit myself to seeing my physical purpose, and prioritizing accordingly. The point of resisting the actual doing/work of each prioritized point is another system, of which I now commit myself to clearing, purifying. My mind no longer is allowed to direct me when I'm working on my physical reality purpose points. See ya!

Thanks.

DesteniArtists

Day 329 - My writing purpose

Since I've started writing this blog, I've known the true purpose is to support myself in understanding who I have become, so that I am best prepared to produce actual, lasting self-change. The conundrum was that I only knew it, and wasn't really living it. For some part I was, but my focus was oriented very similar to how I oriented my focus in school: Delay, and get it done at the last minute because I have to (because of some external reason). This attitude carried over into my Desteni I Process, because that's all I really knew when it came to doing work.

That being said, now I find that I have begun to actually write for me. How can I tell? I've released the concept that I need to have a post done everyday according to an external guidance or recommendation. Don't get me wrong. I do see the value in making the time to write a post everyday. There are benefits to it that I am still realizing the value thereof, such as stability, planning, follow through and dedication. So, now they've missed more days lately than I am used to, some different self-perspectives are popping up, and I'm starting to see how I'd automated my daily posts without considering my starting point purpose!

That now being said, I still feel like I'm writing in a voice for a general audience, rather than a raw, authentic, 'note to self' voice. So, I realize that it will be a process for me to get a hang of self-writing for self alone. As I remove the layers of my automation, I realize new patterns will emerge. I must face the entirety of me in time. One pattern at I time, I commit myself to deconstructing the specific qualities of my various characters, so that I can gain root access to my physical body, from which I then commit myself to restructuring myself in alignment with what is best for all in the context of when/where/how that specific quality of me is present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk process from a starting point of separation where I have defined myself in relation to how I think others will perceive me through my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my starting point in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist process because I believe I owe myself to my readers and others that might hold me accountable for my "daily" writing commitment, not realizing that I've only ever been sabotaging myself, alone. I realize this is for me. Others may or may not benefit on a side note, but I write for me.

Ok, this is going to to be interesting. I'll start experimenting with a more core writing voice, just naturally letting my self flow write to myself. I have have experience in doing this in my hand written process journal, but even there I recall writing while thinking about how what I write may come off to a future reader that isn't me. Contrived. Inorganic. Artificial. This must stop. It's not best for all, or even anyone. Self-writing is what is best for me and all, especially when I publicize my work.

Ok Dan, sleep. Tomorrow, write some awesome, articulate insight while finishing up that unfinished post from a few days ago. Self, out.

Day 327 - Uniting Past, Present and Future

Here. This is the moment that unites past, present, and future. Here, I may contemplate how my past self has played into who I am today. With this in mind, I can see the momentous personality characteristics that create my future self. This is the basis of today's post.

My relationships between the three different selves has long been not considered. My whole life has been much more locked into the present perspective. I hadn't realized that my 'unimportant' past was creating my future because the idea of my future was so vastly different and glorious. My future self had felt like he's already achieved greatness with no context based in the past or present. The separation between my past self, present self, and future self has been causing me much more grief and discord than I had realized. I've been isolated in my present self experience: very chill, "everything's going to be great," optimistic.

Without further ado,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my past self from my present self through deliberately not paying attention to the events of my past because I would rather maintain my optimistic perspective and not be accountable for the past that seems to be long gone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how my past self is connected to my future self, through my present self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing my present self to recognize the relationship between past and future selves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my future self is going to be glorious when there is no past evidence to support the fruition of this glorious self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my past, thinking that I can create a better future if I do not have the past weighing me down. In this, I now realize that I can't escape my past, as it is here as me. Ignoring it is actually to my detriment because then I can't address and take responsibility for my past, and thus allowing my past to automatically create my future. Ahhhh, here we go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the automation of my self-creation based on the past, flowing into the future, while my present self sits pretty in an illusionary perspective of control.

Timeline Example - A cool way to map myself...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my past doesn't matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all the power to create my future is in the present, separate from my past events, not realizing that the past is actually here in the present as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the multidimensionality of myself through time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my past self here, to be able to comfortably reside in a disillusioned state of consciousness in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an imagined future self that is beautiful and exciting, let those feelings take over glorify my present perspective, while ignoring the reality of myself here that is primarily composed of my past self.

When and as I see myself excited for my future, I stop I breathe. I realize that day dreaming about my future with no connection to the reality of myself here is a recipe for disaster/inaction. I commit myself to start practically assessing what I am able to accomplish in the near future. I commit myself to stop believing I am great because my future imagined self is great. I commit myself to forming applicable plans within a regard for past, present and future realities of self.

When and as I see myself in a state of carefree present reality, I stop I breathe. I remember that my past self is my self structure, and that without attention to detail, I allow my past to create my future automatically. This causes time-loops of experiences and consequences where I create scenarios to see the reality of myself. Each time I enter a loop, I must wait before I will face myself in a moment of ability to live the change and transcend that pattern. I commit myself to identifying these moments when my past unwittingly creates my future. I commit myself to then write and forgive myself extensively such that I am prepared and ready to STOP the next time my momentous past self begins to bleed into the future. I commit myself to recognizing the totality of my past, here. In so doing, I no longer react within a patterned past self, but instead create my future with a comprehensive awareness of the consequences that may ensue.

When and as I see myself creating a consequential outflow in the present, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past characters are coming out to play. I commit myself to fully investigate the patterned personality, let it go with the gift of self-forgiveness, and qualify my self-change by taking note of similar events in my future and how I act/react.

I am here: past, present and future. To attempt to escape myself is futile and unnecessarily consequential. One self, through time, here. I commit myself to uniting my perception of and responsibility for myself in all moments.

pic credit

Day 320 - Time Stop, Change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by this resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as less than this energy, and assuming that it will win, thus creating an experience of debate to validate my desire to stop the energy, yet do nothing to practically stop it.

I'm on the verge of a break through, and it's half exciting, half doubtful. The doubt comes in because I feel like I've been here so many times already, where "I've had enough" and "I'm ready to change." The excitement comes in because there is a subtle difference this time. I know that I don't know what it's like to actually live this change into a consistently self-directed individual supporting what's best (for all).

"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." - Mark Twain

It's a dangerous dance to think we know ourselves when in fact we do not. Dangerous because it doesn't seem dangerous. We could go through our whole lives creating consequences we wouldn't never admit responsibility for. Why? Because we trust the feelings. If it feels like another is surely at fault, we blame without question. I challenge self to question self.

Today I found an interesting success, and what's more interesting is the method used to create the window of opportunity. Let me break it down for you! I've been experiencing a building frustration with myself because I'm not changing. I'm not actually stopping my delay/procrastination character after, like what, 6+ months of writing about it. I feel embarrassed just admitting that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to an idealized version of myself who is able to learn, realize and change rapidly. In this, separating myself from the reality of myself, and repetitively missing the critical moments in actual space time when I can apply myself and live change for real.

This above statement here had taken a long time to hit home. I am finally starting to get a real sense of my perception of myself vs. the reality of myself (which is very difficult to face). Why has it been so hard to see the self-honesty of me? I would shatter the image of me. I would be embarrassed. I would feel bad.

And who wants to feel bad?

Going back to my interesting success and how I created it. I realized one of the most important equations: First thing's first. I realized that I needed a practical first step. The weird part about this realization is that it can totally exist as known information, and so I thought I've known this for a long time, but when that knowledge becomes really realized and applied: it starts working. How exactly? Great question. I didn't know how, so I asked myself: What is my first step? Answer: Actually investigate the resistance. Here's an interesting point as well. I can investigate the resistance and maybe acquire some knowledge and information about it, but if that's where it stops, then it stops there. The second step must be taken.

I'm sorry if this is all obvious to you ;)

So, quick outline/recap:
Step 1: Realize what the first step is.
Step 2: Take the first step - investigate, thoroughly
Step 3: Take the second step - application

That second step is when the rubber hits the road, so to speak. When I take that first step of information discovery, I NEED TO USE IT. It must be applied.


Enough already! What is this success that I had? In the critical moment of self-change. In the moment where I wanted to pick up my tablet and play a video game. In the moment of overwhelming resistance toward doing. I stopped. It was uncomfortable. I didn't want to sit back at my desk to read/type. Nope. But in this moment I decided to conduct a stable self-forgiveness. The 2 statements at the beginning of this post are very similar to what I had spoken aloud. I was able to clear the energy that was so uncomfortable that I've entered into countless time-loops by following it.

And then. I found myself in a bit of a null space. I wasn't sure what to do next. Then I recalled what I learned of the importance of self-commitment statements. I spoke out loud some direction for self. At that moment, the resistance energy was gone, and I had a stable directive that I literally just created.

This is one of my first actual breakthroughs in regaining control of myself using self-forgiveness and corrective application. The doubt that I experience here is utterly based on the past, and a fear of not being able to change. I know what I need to do now. I see, realize, and understand that through my fear, I am creating/manifesting that which I fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my inability to change myself, based on past failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my past alone, and not give myself the opportunity to create myself anew in every forthcoming moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate self-compromising beliefs without realizing my responsibility herein.

There is only one moment that change can happen. If you don't stop time to see this moment. If you are waiting for the moment to come when you feel ready. If you are thinking it would be better to do it later. STOP. See what you are doing. What is the motivation? STOP. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to sound the relevant self-forgiveness to this point that I am currently experiencing. And until clear, keep forgiving self. Now set the rule of self. What did you originally want to do? If resistance comes up again, self-forgive, specifically. Then commit self to move according to how you want to move.

And Voila!

You have stopped time for long enough to recognize and diffuse the reaction energy, and create effective self-change.

What's next? What is Step 4? Obviously it is to repeat Steps 1-3. Flagpoint the moments where one is not successfully directing self and investigate for the purpose of being able to identify what moves you and what to self-forgive.

On a final note: All of the information here is diddly squat. It sincerely can do nothing to support self, unless it is lived. That is the only real difference I feel here today. I actually applied myself, proactively. I didn't start write this post at 11 o'clock, reacting to the external reason as my starting point. No. I sat down on my couch with my mechanical pencil and my red process journal and investigated my resistance, and when I was ready to get back to reading/typing the resistance came again, BUT I WAS READY FOR IT THIS TIME.

Knowledge without application is useless, and this sentence is hard to understand until you actually literally apply it and see for yourself what you can do. Test yourself. De/Program yourself. Or don't.

Thanks.

Day 317 - Supporting Myself Through Resistance

There is a fluctuation within my ability to effectively direct myself. In some moments, I have a clear sense of why I move. In other moments, I am noticeably in a reaction when I move into a distraction. The interesting thing here is that I can notice when I am not self-directive. If I can see when I am not in alignment with a particular goal that is of high priority, then why would I allow myself to not do what needs to be done? Simply put, I am not being honest with myself.

If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.

So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.

Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.

Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.

When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.

Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.

When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.

When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all.  I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.

I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.

Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
Become the solution. Support Equal Money.

To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview:

Day 316 - Proving Resistance is Powerless

I'm peeling back the layers. The composition of my resistance energy is still not completely understood, and this means that further investigation will be required before I stabilize this stance of self-mastery. I've noted how I move from overwhelmed through a reaction to giving up. Example: "too much work to do > I can't effectively do it all" > delay & distraction. I abandon my whole task list because of an emotional reaction of being overwhelmed. It's utterly ridiculous from the stand point of doing what works. The emotion overrides the common sense application of myself.

Side note on self-mastery: To achieve self-mastery, there must be a self-slave. This is a polarity concept, and when it's participated in and lived, a split personality is created: Self as a Master and a Slave. To live as real self-change, there is only ONE self that acknowledges self as the problem and the solution, and takes the responsibility to move into and as the solution. In this specific case of mastering myself in relation to resistance, I will need to recognize and accept the responsibility of each relevant point that is part of this resistance feeling reaction that I've programmed into my living flesh over the years of participating in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and react by going into a powerlessness character, allowing the resistance energy to be accepted as greater and more powerful than I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the resistance energy through placing myself as a victim of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my resistance as separate and more powerful that who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the solution of pushing / willing myself through the residual effects of my relationship with resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance in separation of it - not realizing this is like feeding the fire, building friction and ultimately giving in to the same resistance that I thought I was fighting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unknowingly amplify my experience of resistance, through separating myself from it, placing myself in a victim relationship to my own mind, and secretly rooting for the resistance to win so my desire for the distraction can thrive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have not been seriously wanting to stop the resistance because I wanted to indulge in a desire that I was hiding from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the desires I am ashamed to admit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my secret mind to continue on in secrecy because...I am still attached to my ego.

I stop, I breathe.

Today went well. Not perfectly. Tomorrow is another day. Will I allow this writing release to disencumber me for the moment and then allow myself to fall back into the same habit? No. Why, I have been here too many times. Tomorrow will be a reflection with living commitments to self. Thanks.

photo credit

Day 278 - The History of a Nail Biter

Continued from Day 277 - Expansion and Growth

Yesterday, I opened up a few new perspectives to what's going on behind my nail biting habit. Today, I'm going to explore the major components as memories in my past that supported the nail biting character.

Going back to my past there are a few moments that stand out in relation to my decision to chew my nails. The most prominent memory was seeing my brother's fingernail get ripped off in a screen door accident.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape who I am through a fear of pain from having my fingernail ripped off.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to bite my nails even since I've realized that I repeatedly manifesting the nail pain that I fear through biting/clipping my fingernails too short.

The second memory that stands out is a vague remembrance of the thought that long fingernails are are feminine/girly and that was a risk to my social status. Striving to be cool and accepted back in elementary school was a challenge point that has largely shaped my socialization process throughout my life thus far.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how others might judge me if I were to have long fingernails, not realizing that I am actually judging myself within this.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being perceived as feminine, and in this compromising my reputation and ability to be accepted and liked by others, particularly females.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and create a relationship of dislike toward the image of having long fingernails as a male.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the picture representation of myself.
• I realize that I've constructed an archive of pictures connected to meanings within my mind for the purpose of comparison and positioning myself as ego.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my physical image to others, not realizing that the only purpose herein is to serve my ego by relative self-definition.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my ego-self-definition is 

The third significant component to my nail biting was a personality I created through backchat of comparative spite toward my brother. In our younger years, one of his key defenses against me was scratching me. I absolutely hated when he did it. Exactly why, I do not know, but definitely in part because I couldn't make it fair by scratching him back. Within this, a need for things to be fair between us was an internal reality that I enforced to the extent of my ability. Back then, I didn't care to be honest with myself about how unfairly I was treating him. I would throw a fit when he would get the best of me, I digress. I would also ridicule him in the context of the above (2nd memory) point to attempt to control him, to validate my fear/perspective. So, this was just a point I would think about that contributed to justification of biting my nails. It served primarily to increase the separation between my brother and I so I could build my ego up. Shucks.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself before my brother in such a way that I would construct a false confidence within me by putting him down and separating myself from him.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and not consider the consequences of my words and actions from his shoes.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the way I treated him was okay because "I only wanted the best for him" and would try to induce behavior change in him with derogatory insults.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails through a belief/backchat that it would make me superior to my brother.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define long fingernails as negative and worthy of ridicule within myself and with-out into my world.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my nail biting habit to achieve a mental superiority complex, not realizing how I am compromising myself, my brother, and our relationship.

The fourth and final point that comes up when I think back to why I originally started this habit is convenience. It was more convenient to just bite my nails, rather than go through the process of manicuring myself.

• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my relationship to self-maintenance and hygiene within difficulty.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails as a shortcut to practical hygiene, not realizing in self-honesty that this form of substitution is actually rather unhygienic.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer shortcuts and compromise to being thorough and honest with myself.

This post is an excavation of the historical justifications that I used while implementing the nail biting behavior. There is still more to be investigated within this point. As I walk this process of stopping my fingernail snacking through writing, I am strengthening my awareness of when I start to bite. I'm not going to make the same miss-take as I had before by imposing an expectation of myself of which I can fail and go into a depressive state of giving up on myself. I breathe, I walk. I develop self-honesty and stability as I sort myself out and apply myself to change myself.

I realize that there is nothing inherently wrong with biting fingernails. I have automated this behavior and infused anxiety such that it had become an unconscious outlet of my anxious state. I commit myself to persist in uprooting this nail biting habit to reveal to myself the nature of my mental programming. With this information, I commit myself to apply it practically through self-forgiveness and the process of thorough self-change.

Average appearance for over a decade

P.S. Yesterday, I also mentioned the relationship to nail biting as a potential alternate form of the thumb sucking habit that I "stopped"earlier on. Re-investigate this point later on.

Thanks reader!

Day 273 - Success and Failure pt.9

cc

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question
Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7 - Externalized Directive
Day 272 - Success and Failure pt.8 - The Problem with Mind-Self Separation

Failure Character

You see what I did there? Today is the first time I put a title ^ and from now on, I'm going to only not name my blog in the beginning with intention. This way I am either direct and focused on my writing point, or I am directing an exploration of myself through writing. Now, I wish to speak on a point that has held me back from expanding myself soooooo many times. It's one of those things that's shameful in retrospect and "if I could go back in time, I'd tell myself..."  SO, my solution here is to acknowledge this habit and forgive it. I will also begin applying the living correction, but there's an interesting dynamic at play in this.

When I commit to live the change that I have written about, and fail, my past tendency had been to retreat and isolate myself into myself. Like a very real, lived suppression, I hide inside of myself. It's some ass backwards self-protection mechanism that I picked up some where along the way. This is no longer allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure, create failure and to within failure, react to failure by suppressing myself into an alternate mind reality where I believe I am safer than if I am present within the physical space-time reality moment of here. In this, I realize now that I've been compounding the fear of failure by reacting to it within fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to failure within fear, not realizing that I'm completely entranced within circular fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I was compromising myself in a downward spiral of manifesting fear, when and as I perceive failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure according to something that is bad and needs to be avoided, run from, hidden from, within this allowing myself to react to failure by going into a mental, ego protection stance within myself. I've never before been directly aware of how/why I feared failure. It sure is nice to dig it up and face it!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing myself within not being able to uphold my commitments to myself such that when I do failure, I react instead of standing back up to resiliently persist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall and retreat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up and press forward with failure perceived as a supportive lesson to take with me.

Ahh, that is the key. My perception of failure needs to be gradually shifted and practiced like anything else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fail in applying what I have learned about my fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my backdoor, encryption programs that exist to ensure I do not change and realize my power to move myself one and equal within and as a directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been holding myself back by fearing to face my fear. It's a simple encryption when I see it, but it's rather effective when I'm in it.

When and as I see myself within a cyclical experience of fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not here, directing the situation effectively. I commit myself to remembering who I am with my breath, to stand up, and chose to move/speak within common sense.

When and as I see myself fearing my inability to produce practical, living change of myself, I stop I breathe. I now recognize how this 2 bit encryption (fearing fear) is me actually creating the conditions for failing and so compounding failure repetitively. I commit myself to seriously confronting fear when and as I experience myself within a fear fit. If that fails, I commit myself to reflect on the incident at the end of the day and speak self forgiveness aloud.

When and as I see myself brushing off failure, suppressing fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that my ego does not want to own up to fear. I commit myself to taking responsibility for the fear, as one and equal with me, the creator.

When and as I see myself directed by fear of failure, I stop I breathe. Too many times have I turned and went the other way because I did not have the courage to risk failing. I commit myself to shifting my perspective of failure such that I am willing to fail in front of the whole world. Why? Because I know I will keep trying until I succeed. With each failure, I have the opportunity to pick myself back up and continue, knowing how not to fail the same way. And if I do fail the same way twice, three times or more, I commit myself to investigate that point, and not allow myself to define myself with the failure, rather define myself by how I choose to react to failure. If I fail to change within failure, I realize I have as many times as I personally require to live the change. This is my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in such a way that I amplify my fear of failure. Dang, there's a whole different dimension to fear of failure. Will explore in posts to come. For now, I will continue with the last point I wish to address in this Success and Failure series. The key to success. Join tomorrow to read my solution of...

Day 262 - DIP Lite Spot: Am I Special or Am I Not

I'd like to start off by sharing how great my experience with DIP Lite has been. I starting walking it along side the regular Desteni I Process and find it to be a awesome source of additional support. No matter what you're doing or where you're at in your life, I wholeheartedly recommend this free online course to learn about effective self-support through writing.

After my blog post yesterday (Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?), I continued to expand on the fear of failure point within DIP Lite because my writing prompt tied in so nicely. Below, I've included a screen shot of what it's like to be on the inside of one of the modules. (Step 2 does not ask to place SF and commitment statements, I just felt like doing it) Click the image to go to the main webpage for the course!

In my life, I've noticed that the inferiority fear was the primary point that I reacted to in an interpersonal interaction. I've found that my desire to be more/greater was like a blinding self-interest, and I was simply not very considerate of others. In fact, for most of my life I've only cared about others as far as it involved me. If I didn't see the benefit to self, then I wouldn't really care. I was an asshole at times for certain.

It's interesting how this egocentrism has its root in being afraid of being less, unimportant, insignificant. Within upholding this self definition of being special, there is a desire to want to progress really fast. I even put on my resume "fast learner" haha. Identifying as a fast learner kind of implies that I am smart, better, more able than the average learner. Letting this self-belief go unchecked has more consequences than one would casually consider. I'll expand more on this fast learner character tomorrow.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider what directly affects me and solely benefits me in self-interest when interacting with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've sabotaged many relationships by considering only myself within the belief that "I am special and matter more than others."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is difficult to be one and equal with everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can learn how to act in alignment with oneness and equality faster than others, not realizing that I want to maintain superiority within myself.

When and as I see myself within a "I am special" state of ego where my equal and one consideration for others is nonexistent, I stop I breathe. I realize how I am abusing my relationships with others to suit my positive self-image. I commit myself to flag point the times when I come off as rude, harsh, or just plain inconsiderate toward others to stop, breathe and check who I am in relation to another.

When and as I myself complacently being mean to degrading toward others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am within a state of negativity that I do not even realize, and that breathing application is essential to bring myself back into a stable, considerate self. I commit myself to no longer allow myself to just go with it after I realize my superiority complex at play. I commit myself to change who I am in relation to another even if it might seem weird that I change my character mid-interaction with another.

When and as I myself justifying my superiority/specialness character with "ahh, it's too hard to change and humble myself," I stop I breathe. I realize it's as simple as that.  I commit myself to flagpoint every moment I tell myself that I can't change, step down, humble myself for any reason (I.e. embarrassment, shame, anything that could deteriorate my reputation and specialness), so that I may investigate where I am still holding onto a pattern of personality that is strictly self-interested.

When and as I see myself attempting to hold onto superiority through being special, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is nothing wrong with having a superior skill set, but if I subscribe to the illusion that I am superior in ways that are not valid, that's not chill. I commit myself to educating myself in reality and stop thinking that I know everything already. BS. Will continue with this point tomorrow.

Thanks for reading :)

Day 258 - How can I make a Commitment more Real? Part 5

TO SELF, FOR SELF

There is a noticeable distinction between just typing a bunch of commitments because I need to get my blog finished by midnight vs. speaking commitments aloud, on my own time, for myself.

This brings up an interesting point: I've set a goal to write everyday and I've externalized this by placing a time for which I may allow myself to procrastinate until. Interesting how I have ingrained procrastination into my work ethic (stay tuned for blogs to come).

Speaking and actually meaning a commitment within a self-honest starting point, is vastly different, and I now realize how under-practiced I am at this. In a recent blog (Day 255), I committed to breathing before I write each commitment statement and made a note at how different that is than just streaming commitment sentences like a typing machine. I'm reiterating this point. I had a doubt that I would remember to do that, and today, I not only remember that commitment, I'm putting my foot down and solidifying this

I commit myself to realize who I am here in a single breath, with my attention on all that is here of me, when and as I make a commitment to myself.
--
Something else that just came up is how I've not been thoroughly considering what' going on inside of me. Like, I can't just go and commit to always living in alignment with what's best for all, when I haven't even given myself the chance to understand the conflicting forces that are at work.

(Breathing)
I commit myself to being patient with myself to understand what is at play inside of me. What is making a commitment challenging? Where am I, when I am not able to be consistent within a commitment? These sorts of things require attention before I go willy-nilly with commitment statements.

I commit myself to stop dishing out self-commitments like they're going out of style. This is me I'm talking about. Why shortcut myself? Investigate that DAN!!

I commit myself to becoming the director of my writing and my voice.

I commit myself to begin verbalizing, sounding my commitments and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself rushing through this process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am doing myself a disservice by delaying/short-cutting within my JTL efforts. I commit myself to giving myself the time to really investigate all dimensions of each and every point.

This will take time. I commit myself to walking process. I leave you with a quote:

"Failure is delay, but not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead-end street."
- William Arthur Ward

photo source unknown 

Day 256 - What does Commitment mean to Me? Part 3

This is a cool perspective that I've recently contemplated. If I define commitment as something that stands indefinitely, I can apply this generalized statement to expand my perspective as I intend to do right now.

The first thought that popped into my head was the spoken word. They taught my in college that communication is irreversible and that resonated with me. You can mitigate and spin what you say, but once something happens, it has happened, and will always have happened. So, to think that I don't always consider the ramifications of what I say and do is a real bother. This was one of my key alignments with the Desteni message as well. I am the words I speak. I am my past actions and must take responsibility for them if I ever want to change how I live my life.

So, Commitment is simple. It undoubtedly stands throughout time. What are the implications of that? That indicates there is an alignment problem with all of the past commitments that I haven't been able to uphold? Why have I done that? Optimism. Not seeing the whole picture and all the dynamics at play. Like with the nail biting habit, I still haven't taken the time to investigate all the detail of why I start each movement. I erroneously clumped together a bundle of points and labeled them by a single physical manifestation. Why? Because anxiety seemed too big to take on...and who know what else I am missing? Well, I do.

I commit myself to the realization of my insight and ability to patiently walk through all relevant points until I can stand clearly within a commitment.

I get it now. I realize that self-commitments aren't something to just throw out in hope of self-change. Self-commitment is my living word. It is a tool to indicate to myself who I am. Great Scott! Behold the power!! Haha. Really though, if I continue with this bad habit of haphazardly writing self-commitments, I will prolong my process and deteriorate the the power of my spoken word. It's abusive. I will no longer tolerate myself wishing for my commitments to myself to magically/automatically take hold.

I commit myself to utilizing self-commitments as an extension of my beingness. And I realize that I will not be able to live out every commitment here forth in perfection. I must walk this process of consequence for all of the past abuse of my spoken word. Layers of self-doubt emerge nearly with my every move. Instead, I commit myself to recognizing which commitments falter, and to investigate the dynamics that lead to this failure.

I realize there is a lot at play, and especially as I dig deeper into the layers of my mind, I will need to have my self-commitment tool sharpened and functioning flawlessly. I so want everything to be done in an instant...like, "ok, I realize I'm one and equal with all life," the end. But at the same time, I am glad to pay penance for my sins by practically walking each point of myself into alignment with what's best for all. I dig the personalized challenge :)

Ha, and now I see that it is my mind that wants it all to be done in an instant, which acts as a fail-safe protective mechanism. Like with the nail biting, perfect example. I wanted it done in one moment, I can't maintain the temporary energetic 'change,' I become disappointed with myself as I live out my fear of failure. And so I spiral back into mind-controlled. A common sense, self-directed, lived application of myself through word and deed is the goal, and every moment of every breath is the measure.

So, human race, it's not a race. Who are you in a moment? Are you consistent?
Thank you.