Day 371 - Accidental Self Programming

This blog post is a continuation from Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try an over analyze and make a moment of physical decision more than what it simply is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intellectualize my intellectualization by further removing myself from the basic facts of what happened and why, and to have instead written my last blog in separation of my experience, analogous to how I had removed myself from the experience of myself for that single moment of observing myself choosing to continue biting my nail in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue within a physical denial of responsibility when I see myself in a self-abusive pattern, specifically in this case, biting my thumb nail.

I forgive myself that I have continued accepting and allowing this automated decision to delay the stopping of my nail biting habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to make the physical changes that I see in a moment of clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will do as I have always done, within this, seeing how I haven't always done this behavior, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this habit more than what it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than my automated decisions, creating an experience of inability to change, rooted in fear, and confirming this fear with repetitive failure as I subject myself to the whims of these particular energetic parameters instead of realizing my response-ability to direct myself into and as change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the importance of breathing. When and as I see myself trailing off into a mind-moment, I stop, I breathe. I refocus who I am in my physical body, and I make a decision to live what is best in the context of everything and everyone, including myself and my fingernails.

When and as I see myself biting my nails, I stop and I breathe. I see myself, and I commit myself to immediately take a physical action because I realize that if I hesitate, even for a moment, I give my mind time to spin and take me away from the physical, here reality.

When and as I see myself in a repetitive behavior that I don't explicitly and confidently want as a part of my lifestyle, I stop, then I take a breath and look at how did this pattern originate. If I do not immediately see the starting point, I can be sure that this behavior pattern is an outdated automation that I had created in my past and reaffirmed over time. In this case, I commit myself to take note and put forth the time to write about this experience until I am clear within my understanding of how this program came to be. From there, I commit myself to writing/speaking the specific self-forgiveness and corrective application to support myself in the process of real self-change.

I commit myself to take a close look at the relationship wherein I continually allow myself to not change, even when I see the self-compromise within the pattern. I realize that I have the solution as writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application. Expand self-honesty, here. Wholesomeness. Integrity. Self-integrity.

Barring self-judgment, I see, realize, and understand the importance of adhering to true integrity, and I commit myself to move steadfast through my attachments/definitions and limitations that I have accepted and allowed of myself up to here.

Thanks me-I-you-us, for together we stand up for and as the solution.

Day 334 - I'm so smart

I've long thought that I was better off being more intellectual, but only from a competitive win-lose perspective is this true. Today is the start of my internal humbling process. I don't know just how much it clicked or if I've completely grasped the point yet because I haven't had enough time yet to test it in the physical. That's also a relatively new phase in my conceptual arsenal: "test in the physical." I've heard it here in there in the desteni material, but I've not every really integrated with it, or tired to understand it more on a personal level. Let me lay it down for ya here as I understand it now:

To test in the physical, to walk it in reality, to prove it. It's like I can get so caught up in my headspace that I believe I'm making progress and becoming 'enlightened' as I move through layers of understanding. Cool, but what does it mean to move in my head vs. move in the physical. The difference is everything. If I'm evolving in my mind only, that's what I get, more mind. Could manifest into arrogance, or paranoia, or self doubt, or overbearing lust, or one of many mental dis-eases that you see today. To evolve in the physical, to live a change, to be the change, to walk a process, this all takes time. You can't become a lawyer overnight, simple example. It's really a simple concept, but the key recognition is where the value is placed: in self as who self thinks self is, or in self as the physical body.

My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I've placed more value in who I believe myself to be: A Glorious self, a winner, a person who is going to be famous. BUT, I've not ever been trained in how to actually create my life. All the training that is available from parents and school is just how to live and support this current world system, with all it's flaws accepted and allowed. My intellect and ability as advantage over others in a competitive system is the result of figuring out how to work this world system. Integrity is surely a nice word that I would like to have said I've had all this while, but alas, it will not hold when I test it in the physical.

So, now I'm here. I see myself, self-honestly. At least for this one crucial point, the point of my imagined self vs. my physical self (see yesterday). I have a choice to make here. Do I keep on "moving" along in my mind and evolving my ego through intellect, or do I start practicing / evolving within life?

I decide the latter, but the choice will only be self-honest if I test myself in the physical.

maybe not...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm so smart, and not realize I'm so dumb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can excel in life if I just imagine myself to.

...To Be Continued.

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