Day 14 - Stopping Nail Biting

     Perhaps the biggest fall point within self-honesty: the habit of biting my nails. I bite to escape the fear of having my nails ripped off. I bite off rough edges to make them "smooth." I bite without awareness to comfort my various states of anxiety. I bite for the addictive positive reward I feel in my brain when ripping nail away from finger, as if it's a productive moment. This frustrating habit of over a decade is only possible because of discontinuity from one moment of entranced indulgence, to the next, saturating in regret and consequence. This is self-dishonesty. And I've been creating a fear that I cannot stop, or not trust myself to stop.

Ok, so I want to start my self-forgiveness, but I've hesitated all day, and as my father would say:
"He who hesitates, is lost."

I am now creating an experience of being lost within my starting point. I doubt my ability to stop biting my nails & I doubt my ability to start stopping. Just before I sat down to finish Day 14, I was unconsciously biting while watching a movie with my sweet mother. It frequently happens as such: Movie with conflict/tension --> hand to mouth, realize it after an indeterminable amount of time because I was unconscious of when I began, THEN CONTINUE TO BITE!! Against my deepest wishes, I continue, as if I don't have the will power to STOP.

EVEN NOW I BITE IN THE ANXIETY OF GETTING THIS TYPED OUT!!!

I'm going to outline this point of nail biting, sleep on it, and get back to you tomorrow. I need to reach a point of stable trust within before I start. And if this works... I've tried for so long..



Whyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!???!!!!

Why do I doubt? How can I excuse my BS over, and over again. I am the one that allows this program to flourish. I am the one that accepts this crappy habit as a form of self-expression that is NOT best for all. ...Big breath in.....out,

To Be Continued...