Day 77 - Artist Ability

Since I was little, I've repeated to myself that I cannot do what great artists can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others who have practiced painting and drawing, that have refined their art and honed their skills, to the effect that I believe that I can never accomplish what they can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot draw or paint beautiful works of art.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself as a creative artist of any kind.

When and as I see myself existing within the same reaction train of thought toward 'great' artwork, generally something like "I cannot accomplish such a beautiful drawing," I stop I breathe.

I realize that the artist and myself are born of the same substance, and that I can accomplish great feats of art given enough patience and practice. The doubt of my creative ability is only that.

I commit myself to begin opening up to seeing myself through the eyes of an artist.

I commit myself to stop allowing self-doubt to halt my efforts at being a creative artist.

I commit myself to practice drawing. But for now, I will admire and reuse the work of others :)

photo credit: James Mylne

Day 76 - Enhancing enjoyment

Forgiveness Mandala by Wayne Stratz
Forgiveness Mandala by Wayne Stratz (Photo credit: Nutmeg Designs)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking a small amount of marijuana before playing soccer will increase my level of enjoyment and involvement in the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play into the feeling that I should smoke a little before playing soccer, so that I will be more comfortable on the field in terms of how present I am, which words I chose to speak and how I interact with the other players.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more in control of my expression when I'm high on weed, even just a little, and not connecting the truth that I am actually in less control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to hide from myself that I am not present in every moment when I am high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the feeling of weed as a trigger point to practice breathing with awareness and as a trigger point to improve self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be slack off with my drive to improve self when I am sober, and feed the desire to get high so that I can enjoy life from a 'better' perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the consciousness shift that occurs after smoking weed as 'better' than sober.

I know this is just a start, but I had to begin somewhere. I've been suppressing the point of my relationship to marijuana since I first became aware of it as a problem. Even to this day, I'm not 100% ready to let it go for good. So until then,

I commit myself to thoroughly investigating my relationship to marijuana within self-honesty, to pick it apart and lay it out in writing, so that I can forgive myself for this attachment that I've allowed within and as me.

When and as I see myself desiring to make an experience more enjoyable with marijuana, I stop I breathe. I realize that this action is typically not what's best for all, so I commit myself to share with others (if applicable) my perspective on the situation and honestly assessing whether or not smoking weed is beneficial to the group as a whole.

I commit myself to facing my relationship to weed within self-honesty.

I commit myself to perfecting myself within my breath, sober.

Thanks.

Day 75 - Supporting Equal Money System

equalmoney.org

     Today, I went to the library to search for creative avenues that will make me money. Since graduating, I've tried buying and reselling garage sale items, and raising money with Grassroots Campaigns. I like the idea of being a middle man, a sales man, a connector, but my negotiation skills need to be improved, and I don't know how well I can do as a transparent sales person. I liked talking to people to gather support for the Nature Conservancy, but the whole time I was working for Grassroots I was just wishing that I could implement this practice for Equal Money System.

     Now, I'm at the library to look into what the deal is with Tax Lien Certificates because my dad's coworker is making a bundle investing in them. Then I start considering how I haven't been following through with the idea of being an equal money supporter. It's funny how I've had an EMS badge on my facebook for quite awhile and yet neglected to really study how the system would work. So, I start researching how to find donors (with a lot of research still to come). I imagine creating an affiliate website where I could sell random life-improvement products and have the proceeds go to supporting Equal Money.

     I walk out of the library with The Complete Idiot's Guide to Cashing In On Your Inventions, so I guess I'm still keeping as many creative pathways as open as possible. I have defined myself as ambitious, but also as having trouble getting projects finished without a flame under my ass. So, it's time to start becoming more effective in this world system and simultaneously support the next.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am great and powerful with all of my ambitious thoughts, like writing a movie, running a business, and saving the world, and for not realizing that without creating/writing anything here in the physical, my circular thinking amounts to nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from who I am as an effective individual by fearing failure with the implementation of my own system. I've proven to myself to be a quick learner and readily adaptable to new systems. So why don't I start creating? Fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure within my application and my process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't be able to make ends meet or pull strings together. I have the ability. What am I waiting for? Validation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for others to validate my application to minimize risk, so within that I forgive me for NOT accepting and allowing me to take the responsibility  of all risk to consider how I might alleviate that risk in a more practical way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate in supporting Equal Money System. When and as I see myself waiting for external validation or momentum to move into doing what I want to, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I am going to apply myself exactly how I want to, I must take full responsibility for my outflow.

I commit myself to supporting Equal Money System.


Support me, EMS, and you to understand what it's about:

Buy this eBook ^
(It's a win, win, win for all)

Day 74 - Killing time with TV

photo credit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn to watching TV to avoid doing what I need to do. It's so easy to just take a sit and waste a few hours with a television program or two, forgetting about what ever responsibilities I have set for myself. So, maybe I'm missing a point. The point where I plan how and when I complete my responsibilities that I set for myself. So then, TV-escapism will have it's place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been using TV as an escape. This reason, I hid from myself through my general dislike toward TV. "Oh, I hate TV because it's such a waste of time." I forgive myself for not realizing that this separation judgement had become a personal point of defining how I use TV. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'waste time' watching TV.


When and as I see myself using television as escapism without awareness and permission, I stop I breathe. I realize that abdicating my responsibilities through neglecting them with distractions like television is not an honest and sustainable way to live. I am abusing TV. To properly use TV, I must do it with intention.

I commit myself to using self-honesty within an agreement with myself that it is okay to watch TV, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for watching TV.

I commit myself to writing down my daily responsibilities every morning, so that I will not slip up and ruin my whole day by wasting time with distractions like TV.

I commit myself to STOP delaying my life, and begin living an honest expression of self-direction.

Day 73 - Relationship to Knowledge


I know that I love knowledge. I like the way I feel when I know something. It's like being the hero of rightness when I am the one that brings the correct information to the table. To break this down and examine my relationship to knowledge, I'll take into consideration all of my thoughts and feelings within the experience of knowing. Let's hop right in:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a relationship toward knowledge in how much I like to have it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from knowledge through relating to it in the form of a positive or negative feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crave knowledge so that I may be better equipped to handle the future. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't be able to handle the future. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about not having enough knowledge to maintain superiority within knowledge in future situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over knowledge for most of my life, as knowledge provides comfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the feeling of comfort to having knowledge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having knowledge, so that I never have to feel uncomfortable in terms of not having everything all worked out in my head.

When and as I see myself obsessing over knowledge in how I need to know what it is, I stop I breathe.


I realize that organizing the details of my experience as knowledge that I can feel good (safe/comfortable) about is me within mind participation.

I commit myself to living out the self-forgiveness needed to clear my attachment to the feeling of knowing.

Photo credit: Jean
I commit myself to stop my participation within the 'know-it-all character' so that I no longer create polarity expressions around me within the domain of right-wrong.

I commit myself to walking deeper into the relationship that I have constructed over the course of my lifetime.



Day 72 - Some "ify" Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to ramble about knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regurgitate knowledge and information that has passed through my 'right filter' to hold it up against others' knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and buy into my own belief system of mind without first standing equal to the specific points that compose it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my way is the only way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand inside of my self-interested ego when I share desteni related points of information. I commit myself to only sharing what has worked for me in my life, and not throwing out information that I've only just started to become accustomed to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to participate within a polarity design of argumentation where neither side can ever actually win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with a series of thoughts, where in I've lost all sense of myself here within breath and have gone completely into thoughts justifying thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my stance is not 'correct enough' so that I go into thoughts justifying thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to justify my expressed thoughts with thoughts that come up because of a fear point in relation to what I just said, instead of allowing the other individual to equally voice his/her thoughts without me assuming what their reaction may be, as the idea opposition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume I know what the other person may think or say in relation to how I view my own words...therefore assuming that everyone thinks like I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that my thinking is so correct that I already know what others are thinking because it must be similar to mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know everything.

--


When and as I see myself in a conversation about life where I am reacting to my own internal dialog based on response guessing, I stop I breathe.

I realize that each is one, so I must give the equal respect and attention to others as I would myself. The respect that I give is the respect I receive, one and equal.

I commit myself to staying present within my own life experience when I chose to take a stance so that I am in fact a standing proof of what I speak.

^ that's the one. That's what I've been missing.

I now see how speaking from information, is the same as speaking from mind, is the same as speaking from ego, is the same as living within the mental framework of feeling right/superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek the feeling of superiority within knowledge and information.

...Funny how I title this post "ify" SF and then the pressure to perform/write 'correctly' drops, and I write with a new level of authentic, flowing expression for writing myself to freedom.

Desteni Artists

Day 71 - "ify"

Today I got into an interesting discussion about Desteni with an atheist. It was interesting for several reasons: 1) It seems I am better able to convey the general belief structure than each preceding time. This could indicate that I'm finally developing the knowledge within my mind enough to more confidently communicate about it. 2) It was easier because I wasn't pushing it, and he was asking good/specific questions relevant to his curiosity / information seeking style. 3) And this is the main point of today's post.

I saw how as I started to become uncertain of the information I was sharing, I used the wrong word to tailor off my communication: "ify." I was trying to express that I don't know all the details by saying "..and this is where it starts to get ify." And then he asked about it, "what do you mean by "ify" and the realization hit. I was using this word in place of ..."complicated" not just because I didn't speak my mind clearly, but also because of a hidden agenda where I wanted to "leave him an out." That's how I described it.

Basically, I felt that I was speaking craziness-truth, and out of consideration, I didn't want to ...pin him under a rock. It's like I was trying to balance the polarity equation, and trying to stand outside of it simultaneously. The best way I can describe it was "leaving him an out," meaning, to me: a way that he can perceive a hole, so that maybe he won't feel like I'm cornering him. Interestingly, he paraphrased my words as "leaving him an out" to equate to "trying remain social acceptable with a radical belief." I identified with his words. That's basically how I've been trying to position and create myself, so it was interesting to hear it from him. I may very well revisit this point of custom creating my self-image, because I don't yet quite understand what I'm doing, though it kind of seems like I'm actually shaping my stance to how I saw fit when I originally decided to take on the Desteni message and help to share it. Is it in alignment with what's best for all? Or am I just trying to play the familiar polarity game of right and wrong?

Self-Forgiveness to be walked tomorrow. Thanks for reading


Picture credit: jetxee
 

Day 70 - Resistance to process

sadness
photo credit: patries71
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by the specificity and detail that is required of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from facing myself so that I don't have to have moments of self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought 'this requires a lot of hard work' in relation to my process of self-forgiving each and every point that I have defined a relationship to that is not based in equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach the thought of 'equality' to the polar experience of myself where I am relating to another as inherently less than I, shaping the experience of false superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-forgiveness is 'too hard' when in reality, it flows rather easily once started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and turn away from the starting point of writing a post to this blog by consuming my time with distractions like video games, food, marijuana.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally suppress the point of smoking weed in such a way that only I know what I'm allowing myself to do, and within that justify the behavior as not having to be held responsible or accountable in that manner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cling to past definitions and fear losing qualities of my personality that are embedded into my past as positive memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to try to run and hide from myself...by only glazing the surface / doing the bear minimum of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the feeling of tiredness as an outlet for delaying facing myself through self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become tired when I force myself to write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become scared by the extensive amount of application that lies ahead of me. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to specifically fear that I am not doing self-forgiveness correct enough, so that I fear I am wasting my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting my time and effort by doing self-forgiveness because of doubt within my application.


When and as I see myself turn away from the moment of applying self forgiveness with a doubt that I can't be effective, I stop I breathe.

I realize that practicing self-forgiveness is the key. "Fake it, until you make it" style, I must push through the up front resistance to become proficient within my application of this process.

I commit myself to pushing through any and all self-inflicted resistance to my process.

I commit myself to staying focused and on task within the DIP course.

I commit myself to working through resistance and making a continual effort in being self-honest.

Day 69 - Running on an injury

While training to get in shape for an 11 mile obstacle run called Tough Mudder, I overused my tibial muscle creating the experience of shin splints. I told myself that I was going to educate myself on how to heal quickly so that I may still be able to run the race in 2 days. I wasn't thorough or disciplined enough to stay off it. I continued to work and play soccer today putting quite a strain on my left ankle. Here, I sit with with ice on it, and I will be resting the whole day tomorrow, to give myself the best shot at making it through the race.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to heal/rest my ankle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to run and play soccer without properly taping the injury for support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go on doing my normal amount of physical activity without researching and applying injury countermeasures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to run the coming 11 mile obstacle course.


When and as I see myself acting outside of what is common sense in relation to how I use my body, I stop I breathe.

I realize that if I want to stay in peak physical condition, I cannot ignore or downplay an injury.

I commit myself to listening to when my body has reached its limitation.

This really is a common sense point, and it's not wise for me to ignore when my physical body is in pain. This is a message that I ought to be taking it easy and learning about what is the problem. Proactively aiding myself is my responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the health of my human physical body. This is who I am. Let's treat me right!




thanks


Day 68 - Work Direction

Today, I was thinking about what is it that I want to do for work. Plenty of ideas have come and gone:

  • Computer programming / web design
  • SEO / online brand development
  • marketing / customer relations
  • sales / negotiations
and today, I figured that if I breath and have a moment of self-honesty to direct my thought to what I really want to do for a living, that I would come up with an answer. With my Communication Science Bachelors Degree, I image that I could build on what I know and become a communication consultant for companies. If I ran my own one man business, I would be combining the business part that I like with the communication aspect. I would have to sell/position my services as something that would help improve a company from within by making communication more effective and efficient within the organization. Right after that glorious  (feeling) thought/realization, in comes the doubt. "Maybe I want to do something else." "Maybe I would rather focus on customer outreach / marketing design." And what I realize about the doubt pattern is how it halts me. It leaves me with an excuse to delay figuring out my career path once again.

High density social network   cc

I will now apply forgiveness in this situation:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have one key high point of energy/thought as a conclusion to my career path search, where I then go into the polarity from sureness to doubt. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how this energetic dance, between sureness and doubt, balances out and leaves me, again, nowhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my direction, and so without a full follow through, I let the doubt negate the energy drive from the thought of finally figuring out my desired career path. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my thought with positive energy. I commit myself to observing my thought and moving according to basic common sense, rather than get involved with the feeling in relation to the thought.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to figure out exactly what I want to do in one moment, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can't figure it out in one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into distractions while I am investigating how I would like to spend the next 5-10 years of my life for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't be able to figure out exactly what I want to do, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must figure out my life's work in one moment. I commit myself to researching my interests related to my communication degree ("qualified knowledge") and begin driving myself to accomplishing true system work.

When and as I see myself delaying or doubting myself within the application of narrowing down how I would like to continue my education to become a paid professional, I stop I breathe.

I realize that that I don't need to figure out everything right now. I must just be taking steps to become qualified in a particular type of work that I would like to do for the time being. The goal is not to get locked up in fear or any emotion that will prevent me from becoming "more" within the system, so I can rake in the dough.

I commit myself to making full use of my free time to determine how and what I would like to learn in relation to having a real job in the system.

I commit myself to recognizing when I am participating within a feeling or emotion in relation to a thought, and STOP IT.

I commit myself to refining and developing Self-Direction.

I commit myself to stop getting lost / side-tracked from the thought-emotion of doubt.

I commit myself to staying present and not letting myself worry about what I will be doing in my future. I commit myself to directing myself to figuring out the beginning of my career here, within my breath.

Thanks for reading my life.

Day 67 - Self-Forgiveness on Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live each self-forgiveness statement as an unequivocal expression of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in a my mind as an automated mode of doing self-forgiveness, where in I am not here, in self-honesty within and as the breath of the physical.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when I am speaking authentic self-forgiveness and when I am not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat or perceive the act of self-forgiveness as an automated, push-button routine, instead of a application of self in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself within the application of myself as self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing within the application of self-forgiveness, not realizing that "failing" = need for more specificity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay facing myself with self-forgiveness. Often, I will leave the self-direction of writing to "multitask" around the internet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ineffective with my self-forgiveness by allowing myself to become distracted, essentially running from facing myself, here, with SF.


When and as I see myself doubting, fearing, or running from facing myself through self-forgiveness, I stop I breathe.

I realize that effective self forgiveness happens in a singular moment of self-honesty within and as my breath.

I commit myself to staying present with  my breath and my direction to conduct self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to recognizing when I am not applying self-forgiveness unconditionally and authentically within and as the moment of self-honesty as indicated by awareness of breath.

I commit myself to blogging and breathing...at the same time!

Check out: Viktor Persson on SF

Day 66 - My illusion of control

Today, while reading through the 3rd lesson of the DIP course, I fringed on the realization of something big. My attitude in life thus far was that I need not worry as everything will be provided for me. My philosophies and life experience have allowed me to believe that I am a powerful & fortunate being that need not worry about hardship. I was protected by my reality. "Bad things don't happen to me." I suppose I felt in control of my external to a degree because of my "accomplished" inner state of being and the Law of Attraction stuff I bought into.

Just watched an interview about Law of Attraction here, and Mykey said it well:

"What are human beings actually hiding & deceiving themselves by applying 'the secret'?...firstly, they're hiding within themselves, their responsibility that exists within them, to take responsibility not only for themselves but the world as one."

This is the point I am addressing here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have effective, lasting control over my world with positive thinking and having a positive frame of mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my external reality will not continue to provide for me, free of charge.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am being cared for, so that I can better taken on responsibility for myself when I get older.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I am equal with my external and must take responsibility for co-creating it with all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the external and become complacent within the provided level of comfort.


When and as I see myself in a state of being out of control of my reality, I stop I breathe.

I realize that attracting particular qualities of life is not a permanent solution.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for all as one and equal.

I commit myself to getting more specific with how I create my reality, so as not to fall into the illusion that I am in control without actually taking responsibility for myself and my world.

No more secret. No more abuse. Goodbye:




To support what's real:
http://eqafe.com/p/the-world-s-great-divide
http://eqafe.com/p/the-soul-of-money-fear-and-the-law-of-attraction-part-32
http://eqafe.com/p/the-secret-history-of-law-of-attraction









Day 65 - Big Dreams, Small Effect

     Often, I have very intriguing ideas for how I will make my life worthy. These giant dreams are just that, and without the drive to begin laying down the ground work, nothing happens. It is interesting how I will go off planning multiple ways of how I might strike it large, yet I don't ground the ideas. I don't get around to solidifying them. My mind just goes from thought, to thought, to positive feeling about the accumulated thoughts. I experience a positive reward for solving the problem in a nonphysical reality. I know I still have to do it, but I get lost in the dream, and let the unknowns, the doubt/fear & the laziness keep me from pursuing my dreams. I am responsible for all experience of myself, so why don't I start taking responsibility and do what needs to get done?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to end the pursuit of my dreams before I even get started.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I might not be able to accomplish my life goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear of failure prevent me from trying/taking the first step.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss my largest aspirations because the odds are against me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to work everyday on accomplishing long term goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for external reality to shift, instead of making full use of the creative moment here, in every moment. Why wait?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that I must make my life and am totally responsible for my reality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write down all my ideas, so that I can work through them in space-time and pursue realistic goals in a timely manner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be apprehensive about writing because I get overwhelmed with the task of trying to place all my dreams/aspirations on paper.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to organize my writing process so that I may comfortably express myself through writing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to learn how to type without glancing at the keyboard. I commit myself to becoming proficient with typing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the negativity I could receive for sharing my dreams and aspirations with others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act free from preconceived judgments and just do my thing. I have the ideas, where is the action? First step's first: Put it on paper.

cc


When and as I see myself going into the energy of self-doubt, I stop I breathe.

I realize that if I ever want to accomplish anything I must muster the courage to hurdle the obstacles, making sure to start at the starting point. If I anxiously get ahead of myself, I am prone to getting overwhelmed.

I commit myself to actualizing my dreams, step by step. Word by word.

Be the courage. Seize the moment. Delete the fears with self-forgiveness. Go.

Day 64 - Accomplishing goals



Step 1: Identify
Identify primary goals. In this stage we often do not see all the little sub-tasks required to complete the primary task. With out getting overwhelmed, briefly overview the entire project; quickly thinking about the obvious things that need to happen, and estimating the total time it takes. Helps with Step 2.

Step 2: Prioritize
Prioritize the primary goals of the day. It's fine to move from  one project's sub-task to another projects sub-task, especially when they are related or efficiency paired. The trouble is getting off track doing a sub-task for a lower priority, primary goal that doesn't accomplish as much for your overall daily work out put assessment. High work value for less time, should take priority over the tedious stuff that needs to eventually get done. "High work value," meaning doing what you really want to be doing, and focusing on each crucial step of that high priority goal.

Step 3: Act
Action. Any more preparation is only necessary if the nature of the work is highly specific. As the focus is placed on the 1st step, you then think about how you can most efficiently complete that first step. During this process, don't be afraid to let go of the operation to work on another goal/sub-task, just make sure the priority level is higher for any reason.

"this level 2 Menger Sponge is the most complex thing that I have ever folded." - by Ardonik

Some forgiveness statements related to how I have had trouble getting things done:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid/delay/escape the real work that must get done to accomplish the primary goal, spending too much time on sub-tasks with low work-to-time value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the real work that I most want to be doing is hard/difficult. This is just me making up excuses and getting overwhelmed. Go back to Step 2.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek pleasurable distractions when faced with the responsibility of either figuring out the next step or acting to carry it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get overwhelmed and lose energy during Step 1 and allow many projects to run rampant in my mind, nothing actually ever getting done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stopped by doubting my ability to successfully accomplish a goal on the first try. This doubt serves no beneficial purpose. Delete. To use discernment from a common sense perspective, fine. But the emotion of doubt as a blockade, I'm not ok with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself for accomplishing nothing/failure when I accept and allow my reality to be filled with self-doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I can accomplish anything I want with these 3 simple steps.

Proactive/Productive Power. We all have it. Why allow our minds to take over? Why accept the easy way when it's dishonest to begin with.


When and as I see myself moving further away from the top priority task(s), into productive distractions, I stop I breathe.

I realize that in one moment of breath which actions to take first are apparent, and that only with self-honesty can I determine when I am running and when I am here, directing myself.

I commit myself to accomplishing a lot in this lifetime.

Day 63 - Praise & Humility: Self-Forgiveness

For context, see Day 62 - Praise and Humiliation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a future, imaginary scene of others giving me praise. And in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this energy movement for a desired experience of myself in relation to others because of a root fear that I am not enough by myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a future scene of others humiliating me, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my expression will not be accepted/liked by others, reaffirming the fear that I am not enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control/manage the ego levels of myself and others so that I could be in the best position for personal gain/security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recklessly seek to achieve a desired amount of praise/self-praise by putting others down by invalidating their words/worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stubbornly cling to my opinions to avoid humiliation, and not see that I'm just prolonging an increased effect thereof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not openly accept all forms of humility through the realization that only my ego can get hurt, and I am not my ego, yet one and equal to it. Breath by breath, walking out of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not freely accept praise, and believe that I need to redirect or transmute that praise-energy, because my ego wants to be specifically placed as high, but not much higher than the other(s) in the room.

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this survival-of-the-fittest-ego game, and not realize that limited conception of self is a waste of my time. Any part of me standing for anything less than what's best for all, must and will be investigated, to find the root fear behind the thought/feeling/emotion and delete it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the picture comparisons I have of myself with others, thus defining my separation from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am one with everything and that I only started separating myself when my mind consciousness system first booted up with pre-designed fear points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the separation of self and other so that I can protect my learned ego/insecurities. Here I am, as I was, when I am. I can't trust my self-conception because it's unstable and I wasn't born with one. I am alive now, as I was then, when I was birthed.

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When and as I see myself attempting to direct or redirect praise-humility energy, I stop I breathe.

I realize that handling this energy is an act of self-interest, and to just take it for what it is without getting personally involved is the non-participation and stopping of energy used to keep us "systems" charged and believing we're separate from one another.

I commit myself to stopping the energy of ego/pride/humility through recognizing it for what it is. And stand in alignment with what's best for all. Supporting all beings equal to myself.


I commit myself to stop seeking for the external validation of how I express myself, and to patiently unravel the related layers that have been restricting me as the full unconditional expression of me.

I commit myself to stop supporting myself as mind in the participation of and with this praise-humility polarity system. I am here. I am stable. I will stop all energy fluctuation within my expression.

And I commit myself to never again abusing this energy to place myself higher and to place someone else lower. And I commit to no longer holding myself in comparison to another in my mind for reasons that have nothing to do with what's best for all.





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Day 62 - Praise and Humiliation

This is a continuation from yesterday. I just took an extended moment to think about how I've dealt with praise throughout my life. Sometimes it sinks right in, other times, not so much. To me it makes sense that praise is the polar opposite of humility. My ego likes likes praise and dislikes humiliation. But there is something more going on here. I dodge and deny praise. Here, a few points come up:

  1. The thought of others praising me in the future. It's motivating. Also, when I reflect back on praise, it is quite comfortable, satisfying. It's a reassurance of self-worth, where the building blocks are other people...it's pretty messed up. So, my point here is that praise from others in my own mind in a past or future context, is what feels good.
  2. Maybe this praise rejection is an attempt to balance out my ego relative to those around me. My ego wants to be the biggest in the room, but overkill isn't the goal either. So, when praise is sought and rewarded, it sinks into ego. When praise creates a large power imbalance, it's uncomfortable and awkward, probably because I still want to have friends/allies.
  3. When thinking about my childhood, and growing up next to my younger brother, I realize that my ego was at war with his. He started getting praise, I started getting jealous. My ego could not handle being 2nd best, so I took preemptive countermeasures to put him down and be superior in front of the audience in my head. Ego is strange.
To speak more on humiliation: It's an awkward feeling that arises when I realize I'm wrong. It's also when others tell me that I am not on top...this is f r i g h t e n i n g. A few more points are coming up that speak to this:
  1. The thought of being humiliated by others in the past has shaped sizable fears that pushed my personality toward the opposite. It charges my mind to think of how to avoid future humiliation. So, again, it is in the domain of my mind (future and past) when the praise-humiliation polarity has it's power over me. 
  2. In the moment of self-realized humility, it is actually a positive feeling of growth. So my ego likes when it is able to turn itself down, but when others do it...Being humiliated by others is a terrible feeling of nonacceptance. What's interesting here, is that awkward feeling of others praising me, is equal to the awkwardness of others humiliating me...and for the same reason: I want friends around me to be validated by.
  3. Humiliating others, to bring myself up is so dumb. Why did I do that so extensively? Ego wants to win. Perceiving the world through the ego, as most of us do, requires comparison, and a personal investment in one's self image in front of the audience in my head.
My ego needs to be close to other egos to survive. I can only create an image of myself in relation to others. To tirelessly pursue a higher and higher ego status in my own self-judgement...it's much more clear now that this is not what I want to be doing. The only reason I did it to begin with is FEAR. I worked myself up to believe that I'm inFEARior to others and so am less powerful, and so less free. Wow, there's a lot going on there.

Before I get heavily into my ego, I will continue tomorrow with Self-forgiveness and corrective action statements related to praise and humiliation.

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Day 61 - Accepting Due Credit

I react with kind of an awkward feeling when I get compliments or congratulated. It's an unsettling feeling that I tend to resolve by deflecting the personal accountability, responsibility or credit onto something else. There's got to be something more going on here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with feeling unworthy of praise.


When and as I see myself begin to feel a need to disperse this compliment energy, I stop I breathe.

I realize that this reaction is not who I really am in the physical; it's an energetic programmed experience.

I commit myself to digging deeper into why I struggle with receiving a positive entitlement.

Day 60 - Fear of Rejection

Today, I spent the my time campaigning to raise money for The Nature Conservancy. I noticed a familiar pattern that's held me back from freely expressing myself for as long as I can remember. I now see this as a mode of interaction where my starting point of my expression is in my mind, fearing an unfavorable outcome. This happened countless times in courtship, and it really sucked to have my confidence diminished before I ever gave myself a chance. Fear of rejection/failure is closely related to my perfectionist complex. None of this mind garbage is supporting what's best for all, so here I commit to living the correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected because this implies that I rely on others to validate my stance, and so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in such a way that I make it near impossible for anyone to believe in me...I suppose that in these moments, even I don't believe in me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not believe in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to align my stance to something that I do not believe in. This compromise for money is not how I want to make money. I commit myself to stand for what's best for all life, unequivocally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear imposing onto others a moment of discomfort when they must reject me. This fear of mine is mine. How others respond and react to me is not my concern unless it is part of the equation of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower in fear of rejection when attempting to present my best self, especially when interacting with attractive females. It's silly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to negatively judge myself in reaction to when I do not succeed in presenting a mind-tailored version of myself.

And, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to alter my presentation to achieve a goal that isn't openly agreed upon. There is no reason I can't be straight forward with folks unless I'm trying to hide something...so it makes no sense that I would continue the habit of convoluted communication when I have nothing to hide. Honesty with self and others, do it.

When and as I see myself operating within fear and self-doubt during normal human interaction, I stop I breathe.

I realize that when actions and words are aligned with what's best for me and all, they are pure and need not to be preconceived.

I commit myself to staying present with my breath and my words during human interaction in the physical realm.

I commit myself to recognizing the pattern of fearing failure/rejection within my personality based in perfection so that I may patiently walk out of it and into a real, authentic living expression of myself as what is best for all life.

Utilizing the tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-corrected & directed application, I take a stand for all, as me; one & equal.



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Day 59 - Litter Removal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to clean up after others from the starting point of ego and doing it to support my conception of myself as a "good person."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am cleaning up the world's trash to try and make it fit my concept of perfection/cleanliness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I can clean up the world's litter in the same way that I would clean my living area / desk / home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move from the starting point of doing what's best for all as me, which in one sense I have always been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just simply clean trash unconditionally, for no reason other than to provide living space that is best for everyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others in my mind who I label as the unknown culprits of the trash making. And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to clean trash in spite of others, leaving me feeling slightly angry and self-righteous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and project my preferences of world cleanliness onto the unknown culprits as any and all outside of me that doesn't share the same perspective on the issue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others/all within self-righteousness instead of realizing that I have my own mess to clean up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the "litter" in my life and my home by cleaning up and judging the other litter bugs out there.


When and as I see myself going into energy of my mind when I clean, I stop I breathe.

I realize that I can and must only clean for myself. I am the mess maker.

I commit myself to cleaning up the trash in my life whenever it makes sense to. Here, I see that this can be a best for all action, where I take all responsibility for my actions.

Clean up after your/my/our self.

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Day 58 - Perfection

Perfectionism of mind versus self-perfection.

The way I understand it as of now: When my mind is running on perfectionism, I'm trying to make the world around me fit a picture perfect image in my mind. This causes much strain as the world around me isn't perfect. The first example that comes to mind is my nail biting habit, where in I want my nails to be perfect and free of impurities, so I use my readily available teeth as an imperfect tool to try to make my nails "nice looking" and smooth...perfect. Somehow, I've disregarded the fact that this doesn't work for over a decade.

To walk to process of perfecting self, I have to stop allowing my mind to project what I believe is perfect and stand here, equal with all points of myself. Through this equality stance, I can clearly see where I am not perfect...like this finger nail biting. So, I suppose what I am saying is that to live with the imperfections, realize them for what they are (accept that I've allowed them), and be the change is this mode of self-perfection. Here, I am not trying to achieve an image of perfection. Rather, I am walking toward what is actually best for me and for all, in self-honesty, breathing. No mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be perfect, as what I have defined as perfect within my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in desiring to be perfect, I have gone into mind and separated myself from that perfect version of me that exists without trying. To purify myself. To live free of desire. To be. Here. Breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for perfection within my personality so that I can (ineffectively) dodge the fear of not being liked/accepted by others. I thought that I could get away with it, but perfection isn't as straight forward as the mind would have us believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and impose my version of perfect onto the world around me. Wow. I've really been doing that.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I've been imposing perfection on others and so judging everyone according to the measure of what I saw was perfect at the time.

Obviously, this point is ginormous, so I'll continue walking it out here in my blog. Stay tuned!

Day 57 - Fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to experience life through fear.

When and as I see myself running from a fear, I stop I breathe.

I realize that only I can create the experience of fear.

I commit myself to facing every fear.

Don't try to stop me.

Thanks.

Day 56 - Taking Direction

     In working for others, I've noticed how taking direction can be a challenge. This is typically because I have my own set of ways to get things done and it doesn't line up. When being paid by the boss, I'm not on my own time. I've agreed to allow another being direct me. So when I forget that, my mind will wander back into wanting to assert my own direction. I realize how I go into mind as justifications for why my way is better or more efficient. If not released in the form of verbal expression, the pent up energy goes into suppression. It's no wonder people hate their bosses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my thought of how something could be done better. If my boss is willing to hear me, I'll make a suggestion. If they would rather I execute the task according to their direction, that is the agreement I signed up for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry for accepting and allowing someone else to direct me. Because I am one and equal to what I accept and allow, I actually am directing myself though another's direction. It's still self-direction! So I must be getting angry at myself..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating conflict with my bosses. This fear that I allow is why I'm mad. Why be afraid? Either suggest an alternative direction, or accept what I've allowed. Simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my time is only "my" time, and that when others give me direction, I am giving up my time. I don't own time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unwittingly take the direction of another without considering the point of what is best for all.

And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am wasting my time in working for someone else. I can learn from others in any setting. Might has well find a setting that pays me to be there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to formulate any kind of opinion about giving up my time to  someone else, not realizing that I am giving my time to me, as the other. I can't waste my time unless I'm going up into my head and letting thoughts run rampid without a release.

The point here is, if I stay present within my given direction, I am still directing myself. If there is a more efficient way to accomplish something, and the situation permits, I'll throw it out there.

When and as I see myself inclined to argue how my method is better, I stop I breathe.

I realize that I am creating conflict, not resolution, by imposing my direction when it is uncalled for.

I commit myself to stopping the thought that "I know the best way," and the stopping the compulsion to express that (justified) thought, when the yield does not equate to what's best for all. When I am my ego, wanting to be the best, assert the best method and just plain be the best, I might be stepping on my boss' toes or not giving him the ability to direct me, as agreed upon by the nature of our relationship.

I commit myself to exposing this character of "knowing the best way." I do this a lot, and I see it as ego...finally.

Day 55 - Distracted by Consciousness

All too often, I let my mind wander. In this wandering, I am not the authority. It's my mind taking me along for the ride, all the while sending me through an experience of emotion and feeling. For most of my life, I have thought that having good feelings arise because my thinking, was the the yield of happiness that I would consider myself. It was the driving force. Who I am, come to find out, is not the positive feelings that I experience on my conscious distraction journeys.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wander about within the domain of mind/thoughts, not realizing that I am giving up my authority as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hand my life over to the programmed thoughts patterns of this one world mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my participation within consciousness, and instead seek for external points in reality to blame and separate my self-definition from. Attempting to run from who I've accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually smoke marijuana and support this consciousness wandering. Yeah, I just went there. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I more enlightened when I smoke weed because it makes me feel good, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support others' minds, as they're minds are one with my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just consider the positive aspects of wed and to ignore the negative ones. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to participate in my mind differently, without taking control myself, and so turn to weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become side-tracked, and to continue down that side-track that was inspired by the distraction of my consciousness, indicating that I was not present here, directing myself from the physical reality. *For more info about the difference between self direction and mind direction starting point, start investigating this desteni stuff with me.

It's free to write yourself to freedom.

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When and as I see myself thinking, I stop I breathe.

I realize that my thoughts as consciousness is a distraction from me, here.

I commit myself to continually recognizing when I am thinking in separation from the present moment that is here, and through this I commit myself to stopping the mind. No more mind control. I am here in every breath, so why do I keep giving me up to my mind?? I commit myself to stop giving myself up to the mind. ..This is going to be a long journey to life.


Day 54 - Other Distraction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a higher importance on being social than getting work done...and vice versa.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify procrastination when social opportunities arise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize other people/self, alternating which is more importance. Refocus to what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what is best for all so that I can have what's best for me as social-ego-pleasures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider all equally as me, and so the excuse of being distracted by others is really self-distraction with what I have allowed within me toward these social experiences.

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When and as I see myself go into justification for abdicating my self-responsibility as placing a higher value on social time, I stop I breathe.

I realize that through this value displacement, I am in fact telling myself that my time is less important than time spent socially.

I commit myself to seeing/realizing myself as equal to all parts of myself as others, and to within this direct how my time is spent according to what is best for all.

I commit myself to leading my life according to what's best for all life.

I commit myself to placing equal value on others as myself. Altogether equal and one. Thanks.

Day 53 - Self Distraction

     So I've noticed that as I go to write about a fear point or realization of myself, I will easily allow distractions to come into play. This is the same thing that was going on when I procrastinated throughout school. So now that I recognize me wanting to go off into a distraction, I must slowly & cautiously begin to direct myself as authority. No more of this mind leaping to the cookie jar distraction bullshit. That's just one example. I also love to play video games as distraction, and there really is no end to the internet. So, because I'm surrounded by nearly infinite distractions, my pace is dependent upon my willingness to direct my time according to what's best for all. Direction is everything, and lately I've fallen to this routine of distraction. I'm done with this lazy bull...all I need to do is get on my own case. I know how to use a calendar/planner. I know that I have enough time in the day to get everything done that I want. I know I don't really want to be shooting digital people on my tv screen. So what is this? It is escapism. It is an allowance of self-deception. It can be directed and this is the turning point. When I falter on this point, I will get back up asap, within the realization that I am not being honest with myself and that that is UNACCEPTABLE. Here I am, committing myself to self-direction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my mind's impulse as distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from the moment of honest application of myself for any reason, and specifically if I'm running because of a creation of fear. There is fear behind it all. It is the point of fear, which is only as real as I allow it to be, that drives and runs this the doubt and such that halts me. So,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to direct myself according to how I actually, really want to be doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to the ease of allowing my mental programs to direct me into the normal pleasure seeking modes of distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defeat myself when I am conflicted between honest application and time-wasting activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as less than my potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run toward distraction when I am reluctant to face a point or challenge (due to doubt/fear of failure) instead of at least investigating the reluctance. I commit myself to figuring out why I am resisting if and when I allow the resistance to win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist myself, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn over control to the ease of my mind as what's comfortable and familiar.

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When and as I see myself consider partaking in the distraction, I stop I breathe.

I realize that I will need to have excruciating honesty within this point, so that I may no longer run. 

I commit myself to no longer run from my responsibility or directed task.

I commit myself to realizing every moment of distraction, and within that realization make a real choice as an honest acceptance and allowance into the distraction. In situations where the distraction feels necessary and isn't in actuality, I commit myself to the investigation of the point that caused this energetic experience, so that slowly but surely, I will walk into self-honest direction in every moment.

Thanks. I'll keep you updated.

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Day 52 - Taking over control of my life

     For as long as I can remember, I've been under the guidance of my parents and of the school system. The decision I made to go to college was easy, my parents insisted. Now that I'm a recent graduate, I have no guidance other than myself. Thus, I must take 100% responsibility for my circumstance. This moment in my life is all up to me, so it's time to take the reins. Will I let myself be controlled by the programming of my mind, as reactive thoughts, feelings and emotions, or will I take a stand within the oneness and equality of my breath? I choose to be part of the whole, and within that I will take responsibility for all, one and equal to all as a part of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from the status of being one and equal with each and every part of the whole by allowing my mind to make up a reality other than what's here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can think myself out of this mess of my mind, instead of unconditionally applying the tools of breathing, self-honesty and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push blame and therefore responsibility for my life circumstance on to others, effectively reducing my power to create a reality that's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand how I am one and equal with all parts of LIFE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my mind to tell me what fears to run from and which to face. This conditional approach to process is not based in absolute honesty as one and equal to the wholesomeness of unconditionallity.

When and as I see myself in spiraling state of defeatism, I stop I breathe.

I realize that ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CIRCUMSTANCE, and that as one and equal with the world and all parts therein, that I am also responsible for the current state of the world. 

I commit myself to living and breathing.

I commit myself to realizing my individual responsibility within my life, and within all life.

Day 51 - People in my head

I slowed down enough today to witness myself go into mind.

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It is fascinating how subtle yet significant the difference is between the presence within my breath mode and going off into thoughts. One second I'm here, the next I've slipped off into my mind. It was the thinking about interactions between myself in imagined scenarios with others. Through this I saw my lack of presence, here in my breathing and the environment around me. I was going off and playing out a drama where I would have an outcome that's in my favor, like arguing about whatever, except in my mind, I always win.

These non-tangible, imagined social scenes that I conjure up are not obvious to me as mind play. I"m no longer trying to play with my mind without being fully sure that I am the director therein. This mind of mine, this ego wants to prevail. Who I am as life, is not thinking about how to win future arguments that will never happen the same way I see it play out in my mind. I don't know why I have been continually allowing this self-inflicted mind control to take me away from this moment.

I forgive myself, for accepting and allowing my mind to take dominion of me as life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave this moment, here, so that I can feed the starting points of fear. Fear as doubt in myself. This fear charges it. I'm so afraid that I can't control my reality that I have to think about it. It's subtle, familiar, and so different to stop thinking. To start trusting in self, moment to moment. STOP THINKING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that thinking is a better option than being physically present with each and every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the dramatic social scenarios of which I am seen favorably, winning an argument, winning, anything that serves my ego (aka the limited conception of self). I do not need this to lead a life that's best for all.

It's ends here.

When and as I see myself leave my mode of absolute presence, here, I stop I breathe.

I realize that these thoughts that I thought were serving me, that I have placed so much trust in my whole life, are a lie. I see how through walking this process, I will further develop the self-trust that is needed to remain present, out of my mind, in my breath. Self-honesty ==> Self-Trust

I commit myself to recognizing when I leave my breath, so that I may return from my mental trip (as just your normal everyday thoughts). In this, I will locate the source of the thinking, so that I may direct myself through the self-forgiveness statements that are specifically related; releasing the bind to mind, and moving forward into the next moment within and as my breathing.

This is fun.

Day 50 - Getting over my appearance

     Another big point, related to yesterday: Caring about how I look. To be really specific, I'm spending my energy to imagine how others might be judging me, so that I may manipulate my appearance to be more in control of the world around me. My hair style, dress and overall appearance are just the picture presentation of myself. Dressing effectively for the situations that life presents is different than worrying about how others judge my appearance. Through addressing this point, I will no longer go into my mind with concern for how others might be negatively or positively judging my appearance. So, if I need to be respectful or effective with how I choose my appearance, I will direct myself accordingly, but no more mental worry tolls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in my mind to attempt to figure out how another may be judging me so that I could change my appearance to be liked...this is one of the points behind the appearance concern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be liked, and to attempt to achieve this goal, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my appearance to be a certain favorable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control others reactions to me instead of just being me, here, as an authentic expression of myself.

I forgive myself for judging myself.


When and as I see myself imagining how others would think of me as the picture image of myself, I stop I breathe.

I realize that these thoughts support a comparison system that is not needed outside of self-interest. I had been desiring to be on the winning side of the polarity of appearance judgement, so that I could keep the fear of judgement in motion. I am done with this.

I commit myself to be a living expression of what's best for all life, and not what's just best for me in terms of opinions of my appearance. I will no longer be putting energy into appearing a certain way to achieve self-interested goals. Here I am. Judge me, or hear me.


Day 49 - Desire for Relationship

     This is a point I've been slowly working on because I've largely defined myself through the mission of becoming the best that I can be so that I can be with someone equally as driven to be their best. The more I write about it, the more I can see myself and that is key to understanding. I've received some really solid support related to this in a forum thread here, but it's hard to acclimate to because I have built my personality and perception of who I want to be with another. To let go of this desire point, I need to become intimate with myself and stand comfortably alone. I must stand stable so there is no dishonesty whatsoever. I woke this morning after a nice dream reunion with my dream girl...so, here I am, opening this up.

from wikimedia
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to be with someone to be content.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from facing this point through the fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life if I give up my desire for love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this type of love seeking is self-interested because I look for qualities in another that I do not believe myself to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to think about how wonderful a relationship with my dream girl would be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with a girl in my head.

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When and as I see myself looking to be with a girl in my head, I stop I breathe.

I realize that when I think about a woman I am interested in, I am not actually with her nor am I here in space time. I am lost within the unstable dimensions of my mind.

I commit myself to first becoming intimate with myself so that I may be able to support myself and another in an honest relationship/agreement, wherein there are no insecurities that I am hiding.

I commit myself to staying here in the physical reality where there is no separation within desire within my mind.

I commit myself to writing out all the points of which I desire in another so that I may see what points of myself that I have been reluctant to take responsibility for.

I commit myself to returning to my breath when and as I see myself in separate myself from the concept of another within these mental projections of desire.

Most definitely to be continued. Thanks for listening.