I saw how as I started to become uncertain of the information I was sharing, I used the wrong word to tailor off my communication: "ify." I was trying to express that I don't know all the details by saying "..and this is where it starts to get ify." And then he asked about it, "what do you mean by "ify" and the realization hit. I was using this word in place of ..."complicated" not just because I didn't speak my mind clearly, but also because of a hidden agenda where I wanted to "leave him an out." That's how I described it.
Basically, I felt that I was speaking craziness-truth, and out of consideration, I didn't want to ...pin him under a rock. It's like I was trying to balance the polarity equation, and trying to stand outside of it simultaneously. The best way I can describe it was "leaving him an out," meaning, to me: a way that he can perceive a hole, so that maybe he won't feel like I'm cornering him. Interestingly, he paraphrased my words as "leaving him an out" to equate to "trying remain social acceptable with a radical belief." I identified with his words. That's basically how I've been trying to position and create myself, so it was interesting to hear it from him. I may very well revisit this point of custom creating my self-image, because I don't yet quite understand what I'm doing, though it kind of seems like I'm actually shaping my stance to how I saw fit when I originally decided to take on the Desteni message and help to share it. Is it in alignment with what's best for all? Or am I just trying to play the familiar polarity game of right and wrong?
Self-Forgiveness to be walked tomorrow. Thanks for reading
|Picture credit: jetxee|