Day 76 - Enhancing enjoyment

Forgiveness Mandala by Wayne Stratz
Forgiveness Mandala by Wayne Stratz (Photo credit: Nutmeg Designs)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking a small amount of marijuana before playing soccer will increase my level of enjoyment and involvement in the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play into the feeling that I should smoke a little before playing soccer, so that I will be more comfortable on the field in terms of how present I am, which words I chose to speak and how I interact with the other players.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more in control of my expression when I'm high on weed, even just a little, and not connecting the truth that I am actually in less control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to hide from myself that I am not present in every moment when I am high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the feeling of weed as a trigger point to practice breathing with awareness and as a trigger point to improve self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be slack off with my drive to improve self when I am sober, and feed the desire to get high so that I can enjoy life from a 'better' perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the consciousness shift that occurs after smoking weed as 'better' than sober.

I know this is just a start, but I had to begin somewhere. I've been suppressing the point of my relationship to marijuana since I first became aware of it as a problem. Even to this day, I'm not 100% ready to let it go for good. So until then,

I commit myself to thoroughly investigating my relationship to marijuana within self-honesty, to pick it apart and lay it out in writing, so that I can forgive myself for this attachment that I've allowed within and as me.

When and as I see myself desiring to make an experience more enjoyable with marijuana, I stop I breathe. I realize that this action is typically not what's best for all, so I commit myself to share with others (if applicable) my perspective on the situation and honestly assessing whether or not smoking weed is beneficial to the group as a whole.

I commit myself to facing my relationship to weed within self-honesty.

I commit myself to perfecting myself within my breath, sober.

Thanks.