Day 361 - Enjoy the Process -OR- Focus on the Outcome

In Desteni, there are many tidbits of wisdom that can be breeze right through one's mind and not take hold. Today's topic is one of them:

Enjoy the Process
My initial relationship to this phrase was, "Yeah, sure, will do. Why wouldn't I?" And that relationship stuck with me for quite some time, and it wasn't until now that I realized the need to redefine this relationship for myself. I have been missing the point. Within my shallow acceptance of this phrase, I skipped over the practical application of it in my life. I hadn't taken the time to even see where/how exactly this phrase could be integrated as a self-support application. Well, now I see it.

I was discussing my progress, or lack thereof, on an DIP Pro assignment with my support buddy, and one of the points that came up was how I wanted to have the assignment done correctly, if not better. This is a familiar personality design I have known as myself for many years: The perfection character. To stop my inner perfectionist from sabotaging my progress, I'm beginning today with peeling back the layers of mental schemas that compose it.


  • I create an ideal outcome in my imagination
  • I get attached to that perfect outcome
    • Desiring to define myself by it
  • In fear of failure, I shut myself down before even trying
    • Fearing to define myself by/as a failure

(here is just the initial session of SF statements and corrective application statements - more to come!)
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for allowing myself to be overwhelmed, not realizing that within this judgment, I separate myself from the point and further disempower myself to stand up from within it, taking responsibility for it, and change.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay and procrastinate my responsibilities because I fear not having the perfect outcome, that I want to define myself by, instead of getting to know myself in exploring my expression of myself in the process of accomplishment.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing that which I created in a surreal and ideal dimension of my mind, not realizing the extent to which I allow this fear to direct my life.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to define myself by my magnificent accomplishments, not realizing the polarity energy of fearing to be defined by my failures, and how I allow these energies to make my decisions for me, all based on my own mental math to calculate gain/risk for me as ego.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this decision formula, and to have allowed myself to participate within it, unchecked, for so many years.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I have been creating myself through calculated, ego-serving mental energies.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully participate with Desteni and apply the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and corrective application, which I understand are in my best interest but have for too long decided that my energetic mind reality is too powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to the sway of my mental-energy programs.
  • When and as I see myself in a moment of resistance energy, I stop I breathe, I realize that this energy is not real in the context of physical reality. It is no more than my own creation, and it has only as much power as I allow it to direct me. I commit myself to stand up from within this energy experience, stop it, breathe, give myself direction in a way that reflects who I want to be (from the perspective of eternity). I move myself and I make decisions that I could live with forever. And when and as I see that I do not, I stop I breathe and I investigate the relationships in every detail.
  • When and as I see myself in separation of myself through judging myself or my decisions, I stop I breathe. I realize that the solution isn't so easy as self-judgement -> guilt. I commit myself to realigning my beingness with that decision, to take responsibility for it and face the consequences, so that I can actually produce lasting self-change through the process of accumulating insight and self-trust in applying that insight.
  • When and as I see myself procrastinating, I stop I breathe. I realize that my choice to procrastinate has been linked to my fear of failing to reach a desired outcome. I also realize within this that this mental reality always stops at the end-point of failure...meaning I've been basing my internally constructed reality on a timeloop. When a failure occurs in reality, I can then make the choice to try again until I succeed. I commit myself to give it all I got! And when fear of failure programs activate in the mind, I commit myself to recognizing that end-point that seems to be the end of the world, and breathing through it, moving myself into physical participation.
  • Less anxiety - no more dreading an undesirable outcome
  • Enjoying life - life is a process, not a reward at the end
  • Productivity - from stagnating within mental loops, to moving within self and the world outside
  • Supporting others - most effectively accomplished when the process of change is considered

So now, just need to do is apply some common sense reasoning, and presto! The obvious choice here is to walk through the energetic impulses and attachments to outcomes. As hard as that may seem in some moments, those are the critical moments from which I must stand up and stop the pattern. Who I am is equal to the sum of who I am in every moment, every breath.

Day 360 - Full Circle


When you turn three hundred and sixty degrees, where do you end?

At the beginning. At the starting point.

I've been experiencing many different forms of resistance in writing this post. I haven't yet given myself the time to self-honestly look at each form because I keep allowing the resistance to guide me away from facing myself. I must, I will...I commit myself to direct myself to write the specific self-forgiveness for the points with which I experience resistance toward writing in general, that I am still using to sabotage my process.

The connection I see here is how I've been feeling like I had at the very beginning of my Journey to Life. Before I started, I had very specific backchat that would come up in my mind that convinced me that I should just put off writing and participating in process. To not face myself is so easy. I have the vision of accomplishment, I sit to do the work, resistance comes up, and I go watch an episode on TV, or eat cereal, or play a game, or go socialize, really anything that I can just exist without having to question who I am...

That's pretty intense to write out. The purpose and reason that I started writing this blog was to start seeing the truth of myself...the very thing that I resist. I know I need to see all of me, take responsibility for each behavior I have in every relationship, especially if I don't like it. Only at this point of self-honesty can I stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burrow deep into layers of resistance to not have to face what I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my writing before I even begin writing and not realize how this is a self deception and self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my excuses and justifications aligned with the resistance energy are valid and worth following.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write with a specific style so that I can please my readers with a delightful digest of my self-expression, forgetting that I am writing for me,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back to the beginning and forget that I must continue to push myself to write and face myself, in every moment here forward, until it is no longer a push, and I stand stable, living what is best for all within equality and oneness.

It amazes me how I can just go into a time-loop like this. Meaning, where I shift into a perspective or personality for a certain amount of time and forget about the bigger picture. We all do it. I see it in everyone around me. It's like we all live in extended moments of limited experience, going from one to the next. We react to our environment with thoughts, and then we react to those thoughts, and BAM!! In it again. "One more round of pre-determined experience please!"

So, I dedicate today to realizing not only how I've time-looped my past 360 days, but also how I time-loop in my day-to-day living, as well as time-looping in my hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute...dare I say breath-to-breath?

I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment of presence, here, to check myself and take a look at how I'm looking at things. When and as I see that I am within a perspective that doesn't support what is best for me, I can be damn sure that I'm not operating within what is best for all, so I commit myself to then direct myself to right about the perspective based in limitation, so that I may begin to open up new dimensions of understanding myself.

When and as I see myself judging myself before I start writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's just an excuse based within a resistance feeling-energy. I commit myself to write about the specifics of my experience of that resistance energy before too long, while it's still here, so I don't hide it from myself. Within this, I realize that I must practice and become more disciplined to write and see me self-honestly, but within this, I commit myself to not use this realization as a backdoor to not give my full effort within my personal process of developing self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into thinking that "my process will take a long time, and I will fall a lot, so it's okay when I fall, it's to be expected, don't worry, it'll all work out in the end." No! This process is not the automatic, push-play and sit back kind of deal that I've been hoping it was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to wish and hope that my process to self-honesty would unfold naturally and without much more effort than the initial decision to walk it. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to walk each step of this process in real time, with myself, here, within and as each moment, every breath, the whole way through. I do this. I walk myself out of my time-looping mind programs. I direct myself to be a responsible care taker of myself and this world in doing what is best. I commit myself to end every time-loop I have created, even if it takes me 40 years to do so.

photo: deviant art

Day 359 - Fear of the Unknown - Part 1

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear
is fear of the unknown” 
― H.P. Lovecraft, Supernatural Horror in Literature

“Fear of the unknown and the other is the root of almost all hate. It is born of ignorance and fed by those who would keep us divided.” 
― Tinnekke Bebout

Starting this post was difficult. I keep asking myself: where and how do I start writing about this giant topic? There is so much to say about fearing the unknown that I didn't want to do a disservice by capturing but a minuscule of what is involved here. I realized a few days later that I can just start with where I started. Enjoy the story.

 It was Halloween night, and the street was crawling with masked civilians. I was no different. I gathered some sweetness from the neighbors house before I carried on, pondering the night. I made my way to a dark wooden bridge where few souls dared go on that frightful night. I began contemplating the multitude of attitudes that humanity has toward the celebration of Halloween. As naturally as a breath of fresh air, I began speaking aloud Self-Forgiveness:
"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the darkness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being mugged or raped. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear strangers. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear noises coming from places that are out of my view. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown."
There were several others pertaining to other possible fears such as witchcraft, paranormal events, etc., but when I came to forgiving myself for accepting and allowing the fear of the unknown to dictate who I am in a moment, I relaxed, I eased into my body, and I knew that I had to write about this.


Just to debrief you from that story, I have to say that was only the beginning. The ways of which fearing the unknown has affected my entire life are vast. I freeze up when trying to write about it because I'm racing through my mind. Stop. Breathe. I fear not knowing what people will think of me. I fear not knowing if I am accepted. I fear not knowing how another will react to my expression. I fear not knowing if I have written something that others would want to read. I fear not knowing in general. I fear not knowing what I do know. I fear not knowing how to be in control of a situation. I fear not knowing myself.

This is just the beginning. The beginning of the end of fearing the unknown.

Much more to come.

Thanks for reading.