Day 218 - Truth-Seeking Personality Design


I'm meeting a lot of resistance with this point. I wanted to simply open up my relationship to truth, and spent 2 days collecting my approach and ended up posting a prelude yesterday. I'm finding it easy to become overwhelmed with the extent that I have defined myself as a seeker of truth, but this point of overwhelmingness/too much is a mental design I'm quite familiar with at this point.

I will not accept and allow myself to be stopped by this puny little program of resistance any longer. When it does, I stop I breathe. I realize the statement I am making of who I am when faced with and moved by resistance. If you have had enough of this laziness energy steering your life, I recommend you research what is really going on in your head so you are prepared and then able to stand up and say no to this habitually ingrained mental pathway. This EQAFE interview was super supportive on the resistance point as well.

On with it:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am not the first/only person to seek Truth and that many religions are in place because of this innate desire to understand what is true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that truth and deception are polar opposites of the same system, and thus are one and equal. This is how religions have been able to deceive with truths.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that truth is mystical and somewhere out there.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been seeking truths outside of myself because I did not want to face the truth of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a beautiful truth that is powerful and superior, so that I could use this truth to become powerful and superior, so that others will be attracted to my truth-saying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely ego invested in my search for truth so that others, specifically my skeptic peers, will eventually submit to my superior knowledge of what is true and what is deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not cleared up my starting point within my relationship to Desteni, and have carried on within separation to satisfy my thirst for truth so that I may be right and others wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I had been defining my self-worth through my ability to acquire True truths that are superior, and that within this, my starting point self-definition was inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am worthless and inferior if I do not obtain something superior. I thought that superior truth would make me superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the Truth of myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to utilize truth to deceive others that I am superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what actually true exists here in every moment of my breath.
--
When and as I see myself in a belief system design of truth, I stop I breathe. I ask myself "who am I within this?" Why do I stand in a relationship to truth? I realize where I have separated myself from truth is often ego-related desire to be right/superior. I commit myself to bringing myself back to my breath to understand the truth of myself for me in that moment.

When and as I see myself in separation of the truth from the starting point of lacking knowledge about who I am, I stop I breathe. I realize that self-truth does not exist outside of myself, that is deception. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself and others with knowledge based truth. I commit myself to understanding self-truth and sharing it when appropriate as when it's supporting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself desiring to be special and superior so that other's will follow my and confirm/validate my self-worth, I stop I breathe. I realize that desire for truth is self-dishonest. I commit myself to investigating the truth of self as what is here in each moment of every breath.

When and as I see myself arguing with a jaded skeptic over what is truth, I stop I breathe. I realize that what is best for all in this scenario may be walking away, as the energy of mind has diminished shared ability for mutual understanding. I commit myself to only speaking of the self-truths I have found when others are willing and ready to listen. This will be clearly indicated by others asking questions. And unless, I have walked this point of understanding, I have no business guesstimating answers based on referencing a limited information database within my memory. This is abuse of communication; a severe reduction in the value of the spoken word. Self-dishonest, self-compromise.

When and as I see myself motivated to find truth because I want to prove others wrong, I stop I breathe. I realize that my starting point within separation will distract me from self-honestly investing my self for myself. I commit myself to bringing my starting point and motivation back to self before proceeding with my self-investigation.

I write. I open up my mind for me to see. I move from the starting point of my breath to support myself and others in discovering the truth of self from self's perspective in self-honesty. Consider the truth character officially opened. TBC


photo from deviantart


Day 217 - How I Was Able to Hear the Desteni Message


I vividly remember when I voiced my first philosophical question when I asked my mother,
"Why do I see out of my eyes?"
Alas, she knew not.

From that point on, I believe I had grounded my motivation to find answers within this reality. A burning curiosity set in. I needed to understand, and this developed into a desire to be understood. And so was born the Truth-seeking personality characteristic that became central to my existence. My curiosity of existence was largely, in part to my parents unobtrusive religious orientation. Perhaps, for that I am most thankful. When I got involved with the after school church groups, I could connect to socializing and playing the drums much more easily than I could with God. For whatever reason, I received no internal feedback from prayer. Maybe it was a case of underdeveloped faith, I don't know. All I knew, was that I could go home and get more tangible answers from my computer.

The internet search engine had been expanding my awareness since my pre-teens, and I to be quite good with keywords. Nearly all of my inquiries yielded a satisfactory answer, and I was solving problems left and right. So began a gradual process of investigating the unknowns. Hypnotism forums lead me lucid dreaming, which would be followed by a mutual interest in quantum physics with one of my high school buddies. What the Bleep do we know? lead me to The Secret and Law of Attraction. LOA was the beginning of my energy/spiritual obsession, buying up books like that was all that mattered. At this point I was firmly on a path of truth-seeking, addicted to finding information about metaphysical mysteries.

My spiritual ascension process become more expensive as I got more serious with it. I vividly remember the moment when I chose to pull the trigger on a $300 investment on this white powered gold product for "DNA activation" that would help me ascend more quickly. I had justified this cost in the name finding Truth, spiritual greediness, and a desire to be greater so I could ultimately better help others. Another $100 on some sacred geometry posters that were to be placed under the mattress and increase my vibration and learn my karmic lessons faster while I sleep. This was the capstone of my monetarily induced spiritual path.

December 2009, I find some rather intriguing YouTube videos of the portal. By that point, I had believed myself to have truth-seeking vision enabled, and when various beings spoke through this girl's body, I picked up on the sincerity in the voice and facial expressions. I became kind of obsessed in that same knowledge seeking way and spent the next two months just absorbing these videos. When I cross referenced my perception of sincerity from the videos with the key message of oneness and equality, I knew that this wasn't some new-age cult seeking to abuse my attention and take my money. Desteni put into perspective that I was already in the new age cult of spirituality, spending time, energy and money on becoming MORE.

Stopping my preprogrammed destined life of spiritual ascension was tough to let go of, but it was increasingly apparent that separating myself from others through raising my energy levels was not the solution to this world's problems. If any of the past truths lead to a actual solution that brought about world peace, then how could we still be in such a state of strife across the planet? I had realized, my personality had essentially been done before, and that was rather unsettling.

So the moment came when I asked myself: Do I just go onward with my promising life (my successful track record and ability to suppress fear and obtain desire), or do I really consider the implications of Oneness and Equality?

My favorite spiritual book at the time was called Oneness, but that book spoke nothing of practical equality. It fit right in with my ego design of wanting to become more, to become powerful, enlightened, special. It felt good to read it. While this Desteni stuff, not so pretty. More serious, and intriguing with the portal and all. At that point, I was not ready to take responsibility for all, as one and equal. But I also couldn't just turn a blind eye to this unfavorable message or else I would have to also throw away my defining personality characteristic of truth-seeker. And I did consider that. I recall thinking about other, more mundane life/career paths.

I had decided. No way was I going to let truth that I don't like stop my truth discovery process altogether. That would be shameful. And I just couldn't bear the thought consciously moving forward with intentional ignorance toward a point of truth that I had glimpsed and not liked. Cowering in fear wasn't my style. Fighting from fear wasn't either. I was all about understanding, and I didn't understand oneness and equality. So I patiently continued my investigation of the Desteni material.

For additional perspective
Eventually, I learned that I only I can walk my individual process of self-investigation, and that Desteni is only a point of assistance and support. And without discovering Desteni, I would never have started this proactive and comprehensive self-honest investigation of self through writing. I saved a lot of time and money because Desteni interfered with my destiny, and in turn, I strive to save us all time and money by writing my Journey To Life publicly. Investigate. Read. Enjoy.


See you tomorrow for the dismantling of my truth-seeking personality design.

Day 216 - Namaste = Respect Design



Tomorrow is my last day of my $30 month long trial at a local yoga studio. I have been going for the physical benefits, and have been trying to just simply ignore all "enlightened" spiritualism aspects; however, I found myself in a negative relationship toward this community of people. I've become annoyed, and that reaction is worth a serious investigation (link to be placed here). But for the moment, I would like to walk a point of showing respect for my yoga instructors.

In the world of spiritual identification, we use the word "Namaste" to convey respect. It's a ritual of placing prayer hands at heart center, bowing and saying the word to roughly signify my soul/spirit recognizes, honors and bows to your soul/spirit. So that's all groovy right? No it's not.

Why? The spirit is not who we are. We are the flesh. This a fundamental difference between religion and Desteni. I do not believe I am anything more than what is physically here. Yes, there is energy. Some people can even see the different colors of our auras. The mystical, mysteriousness indicates that it must be real, right? I once thought that these energies were the answer. I mean, they seem so great and powerful. When I started actually hearing the Desteni perspective of oneness and equality, it seemed legit but implied that I must stop my spiritual ascension process. If I was to keep up my identification with my energy body, that would mean that I am supporting separation within self-interest within fear. Contemplate that!

So, I do not respect the energy, the systems that we have become as self-interested robots continually covering up fear. I do not support myself as predictable energetic robot of mind, so why would I support that in you? The only reason I would respect, accept and allow you to be system is if I am wanting to protect  my own consciousness system. I no longer say Namaste. Join me in discovering who we really are as physical beings, as life, or remain enslaved to the apparent glory of energy that just seems too hard to let go of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the system design of respecting others as more than their physical from a starting point of separation and desire for validation of my own self-concept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am operating from a point of wanting to be respected in return for respecting another, together validating our existence as "more than" the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than the physical and will conquer all fear by being a positive person, despite the evidence of how effective the yogic community has been in stopping world-wide atrocity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'respect' the good parts of another, not realizing that I am thus wanting to be respected for the good parts of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this perspective does not consider the reality, just the positive part, and in turn, we support the negative by overlooking it within self and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change the world through being a positive person, not realizing that in so doing, I support (suppress/ignore) the negative polarity as evil in this world and in self. This is no real solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am giving my power away to the system of mind through respecting another / wanting respect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am being dishonest with myself by showing respect for other mind consciousness systems, and so desiring respect myself. Within this, I am not standing one and equal with others, and for that, I forgive myself. I have found myself within a self-compromising situation of unequal stance. I will go more into this when I get more into my negative relationship formation toward yogis.

--

When and as I see myself respecting another, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am being dishonest with myself in not seeing my starting point in separation of another, trying to maintain a respectable self-image. I commit myself to further investigating these subtle/buried points of self-interest.

When and as I see myself thinking that we are more than the physical reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that the appeal of these energetic perceptions are designed to lure us into consciousness enslavement. I commit myself to stopping the pursuit of higher and more energy as soon as I realize my breathing.

When and as I see myself accepting others as systems through respecting them, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a flag point indicating a relationship of self-preservation of self as a system (fear of loss). I commit myself to finding where, and understanding why I accept and allow myself to respect others whilst ignoring or bearing with their aspects/beliefs of which I do not agree. Simply put: what am I trying to protect within myself by hiding aspects of another from my verbal consideration through selective, partial respect?

This yogic relationship will continue to be deconstructed in blogs to come. The system design of 'respect' will also become more clear as I continue to investigate my experiences through writing. Thanks for reading...I respect you as one an equal within the reading/writing of my expression.

*Photo found all over the internet; source unknown

Day 215 - Where am I in Self-Movement?

As a continuation of the past two days:
Day 214 - Self-movement: Continued Expansion
Day 213 - Self-movement: Perspective

To sum up these days: I had begun to conceptualize being with the physical movements vs being involved in the mind while moving. Being in the physical, with the physical, and aware of the physical is the goal. Being in my mind while physically moving is how we get hurt and/or create unintended consequences. One of these mental layers is an effort overlay on physical tasks, where the delay/resistance steps in and makes things more difficult than they really are. It's these kind of energetic relationships that unintentionally sabotage our lives with. To get back to living, to walk the journey to life, we have to dispel these energetic, physical assumptions that are killing us. Here, I'm going to forgive the initial layer(s) of movement. From conscious distraction into physical awareness. This point will continue to unfold as time goes on.

cc flickr

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more efficient if I can think independently of space-time, where I allow my thoughts to wander unrelated and without regard for the present moment. Note: Big one; key attachment point to thought; multitasking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move my body in separation of my thought. Example: thought goes into an alternate reality while my finger nail starts finds its way to my mouth. Scary to think of how often this happens.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is too hard to stop this abusive pattern of nail biting, and I commit myself to reconsider this point with the knowledge that nail biting in itself isn't the problem, it's who I am behind the act that needs correction (i.e. the many dimensions of anxiety).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automate my physical behaviors without considering the starting point of the automation as what is behind the encapsulated energy relationship toward the physical movement(s).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships toward my physical movements. This opens up an overwhelming number of thought-trains. So much of me has been automated. Scary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of the extent of which my life is augmented by energetic relationships toward the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care that I have augmented reality and have chosen to live through this mental copy of reality, not realizing how/why I chose to live this way in the first place. There are many moments of which I encapsulated a physical experience into an augmented, energetic relationship. For examples: sex, money, truth, soccer, writing, work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by my existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation of my physical body through my mind. The mind is so quick and entertaining.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mind is me and superior to the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move my body without considering my environment in detail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know where my body is in space-time, as opposed to a constant, experiential awareness of my physical body and environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from awareness of breath into consciousness awareness on a regular basis. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the physical breath and energetically relate to it as 'less important than thought/energy.'

--

When and as I see myself in separation from my breath while exercising or doing any physical movement, activity or task, I stop I breathe. I realize that from a breath starting point, I am better able to consider reality and what is best for all. I commit myself to recognizing where difficulty arises as stubbornness of mind when attempting to regain breath awareness.

When and as I see myself moved by fear or anxiety, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's just a programmed, energetic relationship play-out and only I am too blame for for what I allow myself to exist as/through. I commit myself to taming the energetic relationships that have been automating my life through self-investigation, forgiveness, and these commitment statements. This process is me directing me in the physical, to move from energy into life awareness. Who I am in self-movement has everything to do with this entire 7 year journey to life. Please bear with me. And Dan, remember to bear with yourself.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed with my current self-existence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only work with myself one breath at a time. I commit myself to being patient with myself in this process of releasing energetic relationships that narrow my perceptual awareness of reality.

When and as I see myself existing in a dragged out head space, I stop I breathe. I remember that I am here within my physical body, one and equal with the physical. I commit myself to investigating the more apparent, repetitive thought patterns that I find myself participating in. For example, when I keep worrying about what others are thinking about me instead of remaining stable in reality, connected to my breath, I will examine the nature of my worry, the starting point, and related components.

When and as I see myself trying to take on multiple points, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can't walk all the points at once, and I also realize that it is more effective to laser focus in on one point. I commit myself to walking whatever comes up that is related to my top priority point that I'm currently walking. For instance, delay has been a predominate theme by choice so that I may more effectively walk process. And I'm glad to say I have seen a rise in my productivity levels.

When and as I see myself giving my directive power over to the mind, I stop I breathe. I realize that mentally induced experience is not really real, and that only through my acceptance and allowance of that experiential outflow, does it seem real. I commit myself to increase my comfortability with breathing through my energetic reactions so that I may calm down and find the source origin of the relationship.

This is a work in progress, and until my breathing application is consistent and my mind no longer dominates my awareness, I walk it out. My overall reflection of this post, I am been walking a large, broad point the past three days, and I intend to utilize this perspective (which is now more grounded) to reach for more depth and specificity of my favorite mental programs. Thank you(rself) for reading.

Day 214 - Self-movement: Continued Expansion

Every little movement taken into consideration. It was quite obvious when this wasn't happening, like some half zoned-out state where much less detail is taken and and I am simultaneously experiencing an energy/thought. As I sit down to write this post, I am really worn/tired from the long day on the hill. I find it interesting that this energy  fluctuation is how I've validating the resistance. I actually experience this strong desire to not have to write and face myself at this moment. I am tired, but I really just don't want to take the time and effort (interestingly enough) to push out another post. "Daily!? Seriously? This is what I committed to??" :)

What is interesting about the time & effort dynamic relationship toward this self-writing? Precisely that. That it is a dynamic relationship and requires a certain level of energy to get through it...which now leads me to believe that my energy infused writing is not of comprehensive detail.. fascinating connection. I'll explain.

While I was snowboarding, I had become much more aware of my movement and even my breathing, having  given myself the context from yesterday's post.What I noticed was how the quick movement through the bumps of snow and how I had to adjust my weight and move to adapt, it was a lot of fun. So in a similar regard to how I find parkour to be fun, it wasn't something that I could done while zoned out, off in my head space somewhere. Except there were times when my mind took a larger dominion than my physical, space-time awareness.

This happened when there was a straightaway, and when going off a rather large jump. With the straightaway, I caught me in my mind when I put my hands up like I was flying. I questioned the movement and realized it as a display for others, noting the moment as a departure from the physical. I scan/see that minimal adaptive effort is required and then I could release from the physical awareness effort and just bomb that section of the hill. With the large jump: fear.

Fear stepped in as doubt, uncertainty, hesitation. It was a relatively unfamiliar experience of flight. The take off is this experience of increasing extra gravity, and then before I know it, I'm wrestling for balance in mid air. Thankfully, I only fell hard once, and my butt absorbed most of the shock.

So there are a lot of cool parallel insights here: When and why I leave physical awareness (i.e. I think I know it enough detail to be able to check out/automate my physical). How it is that I stay within energy (i.e. internal resistance struggle).

Ok, I'll continue tomorrow...after this one:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride within energy fluctuation to get things done, not realizing that the flip-side is an experience of not having enough energy to get things done. When and as I see myself procrastinating within a starting point of internal resistance from not having enough energy to to something. I stop I breathe. I realize this is a consequence of my habitual participation within using positive energy experience to become motivated. I commit myself realizing what the resistance energy is composed of/from.

See you tomorrow.

Day 213 - Self-movement: Perspective

Today, I kept thinking about this perspective for some reason. It's the perspective of the detailed effort involved in a physical movement or set of movements to get a task done. This is hard to describe inside of myself, so I'ma write it out!

This perspective that I am going to do my best to describe it seemingly common sense movement. Great example: Walking across the street. What does it take to do that? FIRST, it's a turning of the head in both directions to check for cars. Then, there is a step, followed by another step, etc, but even before that there is a neck movement to place one's head slightly off balance in the direction we want to walk.

One of my real life examples from today: I waxed my snowboard for the first time, so maybe that was another reason why my movement-perception wasn't so automated. From one perspective it takes a lot of work, almost an overwhelming amount of work (thus the $8 alternative of paying someone else to do it). This overwhelming perspective happens before any time is spent. When one is willing to dedicate the time, the series of steps naturally unfolds when the tools and the know-how are available. Heat the iron, drip the wax, spread the wax with the iron, scrape off the excess, clean up the excess, turn off the iron. Even this quick description I didn't immediately think about having to toss the excess wax in the trash. Heck, we could have swept the floor if we wanted to be thorough.

The point of sharing this perspective is to unfold the decision process and bring a little awareness to the physical. I notice that I make quite a few decisions based on the perception of all the effort required to complete a set of physical movements for a given task. This "effort" is a loaded term. Effort is relative. How I relate to work determines effort perception. The relationship indicates a separation, and I think with today, for some reason, I was more tuned into what is required to complete physical tasks in a simplistic perspective that was intriguing. Just doing what has to be done.

The inverse perspective (instead of this perspective), is that the movement is automated. Decision to cross the street does not normally consider ALL of the physical movements/effort because there is a relationship toward these movements. Tilting the head forward is easy. Placing one foot in front of the other by bending the knee in conjunction with a minimal effort abdominal contraction is easy. The only real consideration that happens is how many of steps it will take.If the road is 7 miles wide (i know, crazy) then we may choose not to cross the road depending on the reward vs effort of walking that far.

Yes, this is a broad perspective, but I was intrigued with insight. It's not a new perspective, but I've never written about it before. It's a perspective I am drawn to and the primary reason I like to study parkour, free running, and everything related to balance. I really like trying to understand and gain mastery over the physical movement through space time...I think I like it because there is so much room to learn, grow expand my body vocabulary. The newness of learning how to balance on a unicycle is some kind of physical intimacy.

free use flickr image

Again, the inverse perspective would be that I already know how to...make a sandwich, or say with yoga, when I already know a posture or a movement, it is automated. I make a decision, and my mind just put my body there automatically, and I have room to think about something else. Ah, here lies the crux of it all. Long distance running, another example, on a treadmill even. The know-how of each physical body movement is squared away in the mind, and it leaves the space for us to zone out and think other thoughts and daydream. With parkour, there is more of a continual challenge and adaptation to the environment that keeps me more present with the physical reality. The main flag point of mind participation within parkour is when ego and pride step in, especially when others are saying "ohhhh, so cool, great job!" And that's how people get hurt: trying to uphold a reputation of being good or great instead of practically considering the physical limitations.

Ok, join me for some self-forgiveness tomorrow. There's a lot to this perceptual shift, and I want to see how deep I can go in releasing my physical movement programs. Also, I will report on what I notice in relation to daydreaming (separation from the physical) that occurs while I'm boarding down the mountain.

Day 212 - It's My Work

Continuing with the point from yesterday: Day 211 - Work for Me and many posts related to Delay.

Breaking news!
I've reached an insight that I can really work with.
Note: I commit myself to not work this up and have it turn into a temporary energetic high. (Note2: I may have already, keep flag set for this point of externalizing motivation source)

The culmination point of my writing efforts. I credit myself, Anu 152, and one of my critical friends. Myself for investigating this point for what was starting to seem like forever. The EQAFE interview for that final push of insight regarding self-change and who I am in process. And my friend for asking, "why don't you work in a soup kitchen?" I took this question into consideration to find a motivating concept I now coin: The soup kitchen opportunity cost evaluation of time usage.

Through in a bit of self-reflection in my side journal, and out comes a familiar realization in a new light. It's essentially the same points I found in Day 192 at the beginning of the month. So consider this post moving from discovery into application. So what is this (kinda) new realization?

I walk process for me.

Simple. Said it before. Today it clicked. This sentence is a note to self. And so is this one. I get it. You the reader can have fun reading, but that's your deal. My deal is am I writing for me in a way that practically assists and supports myself in realizing what I've accepted and allowed, so that I may effectively walk the specific process of self-change. Release the pattern and correct it. Self-forgive and live the correction.

Now, this is not the end of the road. Realize. As I typed "live the correction" right up here ^ I saw the mind move with backchat like "not always so easy." These points will be investigated. Who I am within the writing of these new laws of self, will be investigated as resistance arises. For now, a knock-out push of processing my realizations of the day.

-- Not For School --
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aim for the bare minimum level of effort/work required to walk process. In this I now see that my starting point is in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and the ultimate importance on how the external feedback judges my work. Life has always been about getting the good grades in school or getting others to praise me for doing "good work."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire others telling me that I am great at what I put my efforts to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need for this kind of positive validation from the hidden starting point of insecurity within me and my relation to my creations.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a relationship toward the Desteni group where I have put them in a similar position in my mind as I had with my grade-giving teachers. I believed that as long as I was getting positive feedback, I was doing great.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this separation and its implications.

I forgive myself for not realizing myself as the only measure of self-honesty and self-trust that is relevant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others' validation of my effort is required or needed in any way to be self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself with being self-honest. Obviously, this will take time to facilitate as I break down the relationships, definitions, separations and limitations within myself. I commit myself to giving myself the time to do so.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay work that is for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing that I am only delaying my own process through procrastinating self-support points such as this writing. It's not what I do, but who I am within what I do. Why am I delaying? I give myself permission to take a break within a clear starting point of self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take breaks and delay facing myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate who I am within my resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have lived my commitment to walk process for myself through never have fully understood it meant. If I do not understand 'walking process for self' entirely, then I commit myself toward deeper understanding of where I am separating myself from my process within the context of motivation. In self-honesty, can I say that I am stable within a choice to support what's best for all, or am I still trying to hold onto the self-interested pursuit of separation and inequality for power/sex/etc.
--
When and as I see myself placing my process in the category of "must-do for others and/or their perception of me," I stop I breathe. I realize this as a form of self-manipulation where I utilize a mentally constructed ultimatum to motivate myself from an external source. I commit myself to realizing when I am trying to manipulate and motivate myself from or through an unstable, external source point.

When and as I see myself unmotivated to walk process, I stop I breathe. I realize that none are free until all are free. I realize that there is still famine and poverty in the world. I realize I could be in a soup kitchen. I commit myself to pushing through the resistance of self-correction, so that I, sooner rather than later, become a stable point of living oneness and equality and able to take on more responsibility.

When and as I see myself resisting process for any reason, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not failure. I realize that I am effective within my process on a point-by-point basis, and I commit myself to not allow resistance to turn into doubt and discouragement before I investigate the experience and pinpoint thee specific source.

When and as I see myself getting by with less than 100% effort put into my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is resistance inside of me. I commit myself to locating that resistance and moving with it into correction, not fighting with it. I commit myself to stop the internal battle that fuels the resistance, gives reason to it. One system of internal resistance is moved into self-direction with a simple instruction and follow through. Will I let the friction guide me away from it or will I understand it is only as powerful as my belief in it?

When and as I see myself expecting positive validation or receiving praise, I stop I breathe. I note my reaction. I commit myself to applying immediate self-forgiveness for the allowed experience in relation to my externalized judgement of my creation of work.

When and as I see myself performing work for others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here by my choice, and thus I am to blame/credit for my position. I commit myself to bringing myself back into myself as I work, realizing that my work is for me, and when it isn't, to stop, breathe and investigate my allowances within the specific work relationship.
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Thanks for reading, but as you now know, this is for me to stand up and support myself as life, and for all to bear witness. Thanks to me for being here. If you aren't yet supporting yourself effectively, leave a comment and I'll temporarily provide some support for you to get on your feet too :)

Day 211 - Work for Me



To have self-directed mastery of scheduling my time, I need to assess where and why there is trouble. There are many points here where I allow myself to work at a less than optimal pace. Yesterday, I found that when I am externally motivated by others, I am either more effective because they rely or count on me to get work done, or I am "over it" from the perspective of not wanting to do something that isn't immediately and directly for me (i.e. school assignments). What's interesting about this is "immediately and directly."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my work to immediately and directly benefit me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only work my hardest when others are relying or counting on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work really hard for me in the context of doing the grunt work that does directly and immediately benefit me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist contributing my time when it does not immediately and directly benefit me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be reckless and irresponsible with my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and tired by my workload.
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When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by my workload and I move to a delay moment, I stop I breathe. I realize that the work will not go away for real if I distract myself for a moment. I commit myself to moving from delay moment back to focused work, giving myself time and breaks when necessary.

This is really all about who I am within what I am doing. This is a classic line from the Desteni material. And yet I so easily forget that, and find myself justifying my delay moment with "I'm not ready to give this up yet." Bullshit. (ok, self-anger)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the backchat justification of "I'm not ready to give this up yet."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I must investigate who I am within my delay moments. What is it I am trying to hide or run from? I can do anything I want...except deceive myself. Self-deception is no longer accepted.

When and as I see myself justifying a moment of delay in any way, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must not be self-honest in that moment if I am to utilize a justification to hide the truth from myself for a fleeting moment. I commit myself to flag point all justified moments of delay, and to place them under investigation so that I may stomp out this resistance program, slowly but surely.

When and as I see myself not working toward what is best for me/all, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have taken a series of self-dishonest moments to get to where I am. I commit myself to the best of my growing ability, back track how I have accepted and allowed procrastination/delay/resisting productivity.

This moment of self-honesty is but a breath away. Keep coming back to the breath. Thank you.

Photo: flickr

Day 210 - Shifting Motivation Source

I'm beginning to realize more the extent to which I've been relying on time pressure to get stuff done. This whole delay system fuses and takes over when I am not directing myself. I've started by writing and working with mostly the outside layers, that which is readily apparent. I yearn to dig deeper but have been reluctant primarily because I don't think I have the capability to completely uproot and disintegrate some of these more deeply ingrained patterns. It's an illusion.

In reality, I have the tools and the knowledge required to work with myself, investigate myself, find and release the personality patterns that do not support me and what is best for all. Yesterday, I went a little deeper into this overwhelmingness factor that stops me from digging because there is too much to dig. Another illusion. The only way to clear the giant pile is with one spade full at a time. So, this form of resistance is actually manifesting the underlying fear: that I won't be able to do it. I'm effectively rendering myself ineffective through allowing this fear to move my body to put down the shovel and think "too much."

Today, I want to apply this dynamic to really shifting my motive, my focus within this process of self investigation. Apathy has taken hold, just a little bit, but that's apparently enough to have me place this process in a similar position as I did with school work. Something to dread and delay until the last minute, where I would then be forced to produce work.  So my motivation has been determined by time. Why?

I've lightly discovered that it has to do with an externalization of reward. When my work is clearly benefiting me, I have no motivation issues. I really enjoy getting ahead of the life game. Interesting.

So, here I am. A new, shiny Destonian, pushing through resistance and writing about who I am. I'll admit to writing (quite a bit, actually) about who I'd like to be. And in this, I've essentially been rushing to get to the end result of self-change. There is an anxious thing going on here. And this anxiety, this haste, this desire to B-line it to the end, it's not effective. I am manifesting failure and then allowing that to amplify my fear of failure = discouragement. All illusion.

So what's the bottom line here? I've got an externalized source of motivation problem. I must bring it back to self. When I'm doing something for me: boom, bam, presto, done...er, well, the first thought that came to mind as I typed "boom, bam presto, done," was a flash image of another giving praise to me for having completed my work well. So, I guess I've even convoluted my internal motivation. And look here: I've been walking process for myself, and also I have misplaced my motivation within that, thinking that this blog is a necessary, expected piece of work. So there's a flipply-flop going on here, and I need to sort this erroneous perceptive out because it's affecting my process progress.
cc
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define "doing work for me" as that which yields praise from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach importance and priority to another giving me praise, where in this I have been motivated to do work / self-improve only when I get praise from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within external praise moments, real and imagined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought-image of another praising my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought image of another praising my work to importance/priority, that which motivates me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to externalize my motivation through this thought of anticipated positive feedback/reward from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach praise to primary motivation. Wow, through this I have made many decisions. (next thought is: extent of participation, then will take patience to clear this system)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've accumulated thoughts attached to feelings that affect my decision process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this process must be walked for me alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've externalized my motivation within process. Delay -> Time -> For Others. If I am truly walking process for me, then I won't be waiting until the last minute to produce a blog post in haste, where I am not the directive principle. Ah, yes.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own directive principle within walking this process for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't walk process alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need external sources of praise to accomplish work, not realizing how my motivation is misplaced. Bring it back to self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be more proactive about my self investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place process in the same relationship design as I had with school work, where I made a choice to submit to the system because I saw the benefit and that benefit was an external reason. I've always been highly passionate about the work I do for me, and I would say that I'm partially in this process for me from that perspective. I am passionate about self-improvement. So there is certainly a bad association here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Desteni I Process with any external motivation in the form of mental images of praise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to work at DP and write within this JTL so that others will praise me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do DIP and my Journey to Life for me.
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When and as I see myself postponing work in general, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have the tools of self-discovery and am able to figure out why I have resistance toward the work. I commit myself to pursuing this self-investigation in relations to resistance, FOR ME.

When and as I see myself thinking/imaging some form of praise to find motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not stable as the polarity of low/no motivation arises out of sourcing motivation from others' reactions. I commit myself to learning what true self-motivation is, step by step, not getting frustrated with myself if I don't immediately become a "self-motivated god." haha

When and as I see that my motivations are wacky and/or misaligned, I stop I breathe. I realize that the thought, "I can't figure out why my motivation is missing/misplaced," is an illusion of mind in the form of resistance. I commit myself to investigating the motivation point until I am clear and stable within self-motivation.

Day 209 - Moment by Moment, Through Resistance

...like these weeds from flickr
It's such a valuable life lesson. I've touched on it before but now I want to get it clear. Instead of getting overwhelmed by the entire workload and shutting down, it is to focus on just the one step at a time.

While I was outside pulling weeds, I had the thought that 'oh, this is going to take forever,' but I started anyways knowing that the only way it will get done is if I start doing it. Sometimes, the overwhelmingness overrides the common sense of just start working to get it all done. I have a bit of both in me and I see the contrasting orientations toward work in my parents. Mommy get frustrated and overwhelmed; Dad steps in to save the day with his "one bite at a time" philosophy. I flip flop depending on the day or type of work.

The bottom line is, I'm getting sick of struggling with resistance. It's a self-compromising allowance, and I'm going to hit every resistance point until I am stable in solidifying my decision of who I am in relation to completing my work. Thanks for the perspective Anu (20)!

Ok, so to the specific point of the evening. I want to capture the nature of this perspective shit, and move into related forgiveness (direction set :). There is an unclear attempt to conceptualize the whole. To quantify the whole. So when I am faced with some massive or tedious work, I try to fit it all into my brain and during that process, I give up. I become defeated by the extensiveness. "It's too much." And then I don't move to make any practical steps of completion. Quite silly, actually. This discouragement that arises out of trying to move to quickly through a process, IN MY HEAD, before I even start physically working on the task at hand.

Why is the inclination to capture the whole picture before starting? Ah, there is a key here.

This is why writing is so effective for the self-realization process. It gives the opportunity to conceptualize and quantify the bigger picture, AND THEN, one can process the realizations to produce real self-change. And here I am. I've been pushing through layers of resistance ever since I started this Blog. So easy to allow the overwhelmingness program to take over and shut me down. I say NO MORE!

(Just now, I went into the resistance, so obviously, this will not all happen all at once, as I repeatedly hope for it to work like that. I want each thing I look at to be fit into one moment, over and done. Instead of realizing/identifying with the step-by-step, moment by moment unraveling process, the tendency is to try to do it all, understand it all in just one moment. Mind.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to conceptualize and finish work before I start a physical process. In this I understand how I have been trying to "fit it all" in my head, with the excuse that only then can I start working on it. The past pattern is such that I give up in this stage of wanting to grasp all the steps or required work, and only when time constraints force me to work, do I physically do the work. So, I end up producing a lesser work, or rather a work that is not purely representative of my expression, because it is tainted with haste.

Within this self-forgiveness process, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay/resist my writing. I have been putting it off until the last moment because I do not want to actually face myself. I have not yet really stood up for myself purely, and it might be awhile before my motivation within this is pure. But simply allowing the repetitive procrastination to invade in on my process, not cool Dan. I commit myself to sort this out. What exactly does this entail? A plan. I can't continue to delay and pump out posts on a whim, and then hope to be successful. That's not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought "it's too much.."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within the thought "it's too much.."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that large/complex tasks are "too much," before I begin a physical process of discernment either through writing or taking the first few steps. I obviously can't trust myself to make decisions in my head. They are too biased by predictive programming as thought/feelings/emotions. Until I am stable in my application of or alignment with what's best for all, I commit myself to investigate through writing what is necessary within my decision to take on work in a moment.

When and as I see myself procrastinating, I stop I breathe. I realize who I am in that moment is making a statement that I am directed by my mind. I commit myself to standing up and directing myself from a clear starting point. OOoo, a key point that I see more clearly now.

Within my commitment statements and and self-forgiveness process in general, I am afraid that I will not be effective in producing real self-change. This is a struggle for many of the walking destonians, I'm sure. It is no more than another program of self-doubt. What I have just realized was the extent to which it is limiting me. And it's very related to this whole big picture/small step thing. The fashion of how it pops up varies, and specific forgiveness will be required for each...and yet there is another form of resistance, which is also tied in: the tendency to generalize and capture the whole thing all at once. Breathe.

A lot will come up as I investigate. I know this, yet I am still taken aback with the information overload sometimes.

When and as I see myself overloaded with information and trying to process it all at once, I stop I breathe. I realize that through writing, I am able to return and break down what I have written. I commit myself to diagramming my process. I've wanted to do this for awhile now, and now that I'm reaching a more serious level of application. It's time to start really making this a priority. I am figuring me out and I'd like to chart it visually. That's what I'll do.

When and as I see myself trying to fit the whole process into one moment of consideration, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only move as fast as space-time will practically allow, so no more rushing in my head because that typically renders me useless as I give up before a practical step is taken. I commit myself to slowing down, pacing my process, and giving myself more time of day to work with myself in understanding who I am within my daily events.

Ok, getting to be kind of a long post. Thanks for reading.
The linked interview above is highly recommended for newer Destonians struggling with resistance.

Day 208 - Unplanned Dayz








Continuing from Yesterday

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sink into laziness when my day has not gone how I had imagined or intended it to go.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get back on track with one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my potential to get back on track again with one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try focusing on my breath when I become overwhelmed from being behind the ball.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and defeated when my day does not go according to plan, perpetuating the consequence for a much longer amount of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the familiar excuses and justifications for falling into laziness, instead of realizing who I am within my breathing and moving to write about these reoccurring excuses and justifications for being lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my justification process for being lazy is not new, not valid, and can be disintegrated by walking it through this process of release (self-forgiveness) and renewal (corrective application; living commitments).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I don't have enough energy' to write a post today. Thank Dan, I push myself to write each day, for through this daily JTL writing, I am discovering and releasing patterns like never before. To hell with resistance rendering me inert for the rest of my life.
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When and as I see myself thinking that "the whole day is wasted" when I am off to a bad start, I stop I breathe. I realize that from my breath I can track why I ended up where I am now. I commit myself to utilizing this flag point: willingness to perpetuate a bad start into the rest of the day; to breathe and direct self to write about what (thought) processes lead me here.

When and as I see myself breathing and going straight back into the just prior thought pattern, I again stop and I breathe. From here, I realize that I must direct myself...and now I realize that without a solid sense of how/why I want to direct myself, it's real easy to go right back into the just prior thought pattern groove. I commit myself to practicing self-direction after each and every STOP & Breathe moment, until I am clear and stable within the process of redirecting the state of self.

When and as I see myself simply accepting the perpetuation of laziness, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not really how I want to spend my time. I am just within an energetic state of ease. I commit myself to no longer accepting the easy life as is. I realize that deprogramming myself will take serious work/effort/commitment. And so, I commit myself to this process of standing up within a breath, and moving from there within an action that is best for all.

When and as I see myself following along with my mentally pulsed excuses and justifications for being lazy in this moment, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to end this habit of energetic, unplanned laziness. First, I must write about each thought. As I write, I will get more specific and my self-investigation will yield forgivable self-defining moments. This is the plan.

When and as I see myself feeling too lazy or mentally tired to write a post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is me actually resisting my process as a whole. I commit myself to keep investigating myself within the awareness of the present resistance.

Until I am no longer resisting, I am determined to figure out why, for the sake of letting go of whatever predictive programming I've accepted and allowed to move me for X amount of years. Yeah, here I am.

Day 207 - Planning vs Energetic Motivation

My day was messed up today when I woke up later than planned. The order of events was screwed up and I allowed this to snowball for most of the day. Lots of patterns came up. Cool that I'm seeing them more clearly as I write about them, but I haven't been thorough enough to be effective. What is it to be effective within this Journey to Life? It is releasing the predictive programming with self-forgiveness AND writing a new law of self with a real commitment statement. Why have I not been effective with some of the patterns, like procrastination? I haven't finished. I haven't yet found each component to be able to specifically address them.

I can't beat myself up for not being effective. Obviously there is still work to do, so the real question is, do I react with my typical discouragement pattern when faced with "failure," or do I stop the reaction and direct the common sense response? Go into mind or be self-honest? Fall into the predictable self-destructive pattern or realize myself, here, able to act in any way choose? The cool part: indecision no longer exists from a self-honesty standpoint. Best for all is a no brainer.

Today, I realized that my writing on planning at the beginning of the year was not substantial. I have not become an excellent planner. I have not made a stable change of self, meaning I did not actually change. I rode an energized ideal for motivation to be a better planner. Probably like many others' new year's resolutions, the commitment fades until the next Jan. 1st. I begun to understand why new year's resolution do not work in this post, but I need to follow through with this.

I am realizing more and more what energetic motivation is because it isn't stable, it doesn't last, it's idealized, generalized and inconsistent. It's not in alignment with reality, it's a mental augmentation of what I would like reality to be. There is a separation through desiring a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that self-change is easy accomplished by one general investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself when I fail to remove a program on my first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my disappointment with discouragement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that process would be a simple plug and play program to erase all programs, not considering that I'd actually have to start living my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply revert to old habits without investigating why or why I allowed the regression.
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When and as I see that I am unstable within my Journey to Life because I am not giving myself the time to be serious with myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me. I walk process for me 1st, then I can support others in their self process of/for themselves. I commit myself to taking the necessary steps to start walking this process for me alone. No more energetic BSing. Here, stable, real.

When and as I see myself being ineffective within moving a single point through process, I stop, I breathe, and I realize there is work to be done. I realize that going into the disappointment -> discouragement program, I am neglecting my responsibility of my self-living, here. I commit myself to focus on my breath, and write out the energy experience for specifically moving through process.

There is a growing understanding that Desteni I Process is not an automatic cure for all my problems, as I had initially hoped for it to be. Rather, it is actually serious life training in becoming a responsible human being. There is nothing automatic about reversing what we have automated within and of ourselves. I have to be here with every step. And I commit myself to doing whatever it takes to ending the internal resistance to living within every moment, within every breath.


Day 206 - Freedom Forgiveness & Exploration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my freedom to act how ever I choose in any moment, and thus have created resistance toward decisions that might compromise my ability to act freely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of losing control of a situation be it because of forceful consequence or creating discord between self and other(s). This is a huge point that I need to further unpack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to address such a large point as this, not realizing that I can give myself as much time as I need to sort myself out. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and race through process from a point of comparison.

Okay. With regard to the 2nd SF statement, why would I lose control of my free will in any given situation? 1. Given: homework, Answer: disconnect between choice and desire through time
2. Given: in a group of peers (playing soccer), Answer: Don't want to let them down / inconvenience them
3. Given: Relationship, Answer: Fear of leaving bad impression

Well, I've sure opened up a lot with just this! Workin' it through:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my past choices from my present choices. In this, I see the disconnect occurs because of energy fluctuations: either because the past choice was unstable/energy based, or my present choice is unstable, energy based. So, in the case of doing homework, I defined my choice to go to college separate from myself as breath. I went to college because "that's the standard society expects of me" and "to have a good time (socially)." I can see here my past choice was not for me, but externalized. Also, my procrastination was justified by 2nd intention which was for me (to have fun). Cool. Opening up. Expanding.

For the second and third scenario, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require positive validation/judgement from others to define who I am. This in a deeply ingrained fallacy. I believe most humans have this condition because we are taught in school of the concept: looking glass self (see image #1).  One of the primary components of this concept is, "We develop our self through the judgments of others." (Yeung, et al. 2003). This is not our true self as breathing life. This is our mentally reflected self. So the concept is right, the definition of self is where everything gets messy, especially since Desteni message popped up on the internet.
image #1 (from wikipedia)
Now, I see a connection between all of these above scenarios. Loss of control happens when I am already out of control. That disconnect between my past choice and present choice is not consistently congruent because I was never stable within my choices. The choice was fluctuating based on energy and self-interest. Much like "wanting to have it all," I hadn't realized that I am my past AND present choices, not taking responsibility for all of me. Bam!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to evade the inevitable self-responsibility and accountability of my past/present choices. I now realize that this is a major component of delay/procrastination. Riding the tides of self-interested energy is not practical in reality, and this is how things get out of control. We are out of control.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for all of me, all of my decisions; past and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that it is me who has been robbing my freedom.
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When and as I see myself making a choice that is accompanied by a self-interested, energy fluctuation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for all my decisions throughout and across time. I commit myself to writing about when I have not taken the time to consider the consequences of my decisions, for in these moments I can discover the egoist program that moves with energy , delete it, and make room for the best for all choices.

Note: I just took a writing break and was amazed at how much/often I am moved by self-interest energy. I practically commit myself to at least acknowledging them, and I realize that only through writing can I decipher an event, find what are the motivating energies, and release the pattern through self-forgiveness and precise commitments. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the commitment statements seriously, as they are to be a new, written law of self. To be lived practically, in stability. Breath is the point of stability that connects past, present and future.

When and as I see myself resisting the writing of commitment statements because am unsure of my ability to uphold them, I stop I breathe. I realize that the only reason I would do such a thing is because I am not living my words, my words are not purified, rather based in energy. I commit myself to exploring the resistance toward making real commitment statements, and to stop creating energetic/unstable commitments to myself. Perhaps this issue may also pertain to being too general.

When and as I see myself out of alignment with a past decision, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can explore my past decision. I commit myself to giving myself the freedom to create a new starting point within a choice that may have once only considered what was best for me.

When and as I see myself experiencing an energetic low of consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a prime moment of self-investigation. I commit myself to writing about my experience and asking myself: how did I get myself into this situation? What decisions did I make? And why did I make those decisions? After these questions are answered, I commit myself to a steadfast process of releasing the patterns that lead to the unfavorable consequence through self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself (becoming) overwhelmed because of a large point that I have opened up, I stop I breathe. I realize that "the only way to eat an elephant, is one bite at a time." I commit myself to pacing myself within my own process. I commit myself to stop trying to race to the finish of process. Lao Tzu once said (probably in another language): "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." So, like this, I would like to calmly pursue purity of self. To be investigated.

When and as I see myself avoiding or resisting a choice that will limit my sense of freedom, I stop I breathe. I realize that making a decision is not to be taken lightly when the consequences are drastic. I also realize that making decisions based on an idealized energy is an act of irresponsibility within/toward self. I commit myself to becoming evermore responsible within my decision process.

There are many, many decisions made everyday. Will I stand up and vote for what's best for all? Will I accept less within myself? I commit myself to questioning my behaviors/choices that are not in alignment with what's best for all, so that I may see where and how self compromise exists, expose the pattern and walk process accordingly...patiently. There's no where else to go. Give me the time to really see me. Ahh, what a nice gift.

Day 205 - Loss of Control

Been examining resistance more deeply today.

I realized that the words like procrastination, delay  and resistance are mush to broad and general to use within the required specificity of this self-forgiveness process of releasing this energetic pattern. They are more initial, umbrella terms that serve a purpose, but just don't go deep enough.

So in light of my recent developments in examining resistance patterns and today being Valentine's Day, I'd like to cover two points that I found a connection between.

With the experience of resistance toward work there is this negativity association with work that I don't want to do. While writing about this in my side journal, the first point I came to was a loss of freedom to do as I please. So I've built a resistance toward anything that takes away my ability to do as I immediately please to do.

- And now -

Resistance toward Love. In my past Valentine's Days, I used to merrily go about using this excuse to treat a lady nicely (to get her to like me). What's interesting here is that I would willingly compromise my freedom (and wallet) to cater toward presenting a likable image of myself for another human being. In this, I am doing what I wanted to do in self-interest of making the girl feel special so she will like me and give me the attention that boosts my ego and I feel good about myself having another being that digs me.
Happy Valentine's Day ;)



As I grew up out of middle school,  and got into my first (& only 1 year long) relationship during highschool, a sense of wanting more came up. My focus was shifting toward wanting to better my self and my future. The girls started holding me back. In this, I developed a relationship of self-compromise within relationships.

I've held a belief that I haven't been ready to start writing about my relationship dynamics within process yet mainly because this point has been so central to who I've created me to be as a personality. I long resisted participating within the Desteni group for about 1.5 years because I was afraid to give up my lust for women. Sounded ridiculous from a college kid's perspective. I digress.

I created resistance toward relationships for the same/similar reason as I did with work, loss of control. Once I found myself in a moment of having to do something other than what I would like to do in that moment, I wanted out. I really have been uncomfortable with a loss of freedom.

So, today I've exposed a giant resistance point that wasn't clear before and connected it to another point within my past relationships. For Valentine's Day, I give the gift of self-love as self-discovery, and I share it with you.

I am not included to pump out any quick and light SF right now, this investigation will continue to develop and you can expect SF and CA (corrective application) statements tomorrow.

Flickr photo credit

Day 204 - There's a ache in my head

Putting together the picture:
    It's not a headache, per say, though it is a feeling that emanates from my head region. It's almost like tiredness; in fact, I would most likely say that it is. But his uncomfortable feeling is more of a last resort excuse to not have to push through the resistance and face my work. If I am out of distractions to move toward, the resistances manifests this aching in the head. It's that feeling, "oh, I just want to rest my head." "One more moment of non-work, please."

Get the picture? I've got it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance, instead of writing it out and facing the resistance point. After doing a bit of writing, I have come to find that there is a negative association toward effortful work that is the source of my skewd starting point that leads to each distraction/avoidance behavior.

Previous, related writings:
Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire
Day 106 - Living in Delay

Based on what I've just re-read. I see that I must add some more depth to the equation. I've know this would be necessary, but I mostly thought myself to have lacked the know-how.

Self-honesty is quite the key of all keys. Because when I see me/my mind/how I move, in self-honesty, I know what I need to do. I've already written about it.

Where my commitment statements do not stand, I must investigate what other factors I haven't yet considered. In this case. I haven't yet considered all of why and how I have this relationship toward effortful work. Waiting to figure it out, isn't a real option. Either I am investigating, through the written word as I am now, or I am moved by the delay/resistance into a submissive state, giving up my self-direction as life to my programmed mental self.

When and as I see myself simply allowing the uncomfortable feeling of resistance to move me, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an opportunity like any other, where I can investigate what's going on within me. Self-honesty vs simple allowance. Self-honesty says direct self here, simple allowance just goes with the flow of the aching internal reaction feeling. I commit myself to writing about resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing resistance to mutate and change and accordingly allow myself to be moved in its tides. I commit myself to breathing and moving. Until this is a natural self-expression, here, I commit myself to write about all my resistance points to discover all the little building-block points that contribute to the umbrella term: procrastination.

Adding depth = more perspective through writing.

It's time to amp up my writing commitment, instead of self-sabotaging within delay and resistance.


Day 203 - Shameful work

Haha. "Ahhh, what shame I have for this work I have done!"

This is the polarity of taking pride in my work. So, it is to understand that I'm not trying to stop doing work worth of pride. I am stopping my pride reaction toward my work because if I keep priding myself in certain instances of work, I will continue producing work where I react shamefully toward.

This is polarity. Same system of mind. One is positive, one is negative. No separation. One system.

Consequence of taking pride = feeling shame. One balanced system. Why does it have to balance out? asked the skeptic. I do not fully understand why but it relates to oneness and equality, where one system has to be balanced equally because the separation is the illusion. So the feeling of pride is the illusion that when participated within, is exactly the same as the consequence of shame. Both are participatory/feeling illusions, created by ourselves.

And so this is what process is all about: stop the illusion and stabilize with reality. This way, I am not creating polarity consequence that is an unnecessary illusion experience that must result from attempting to maintain the positive experience of the system design. And I go:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of participating in positive experiential reactions as the equal and opposite must manifest. The design of infinity: a sideways 8, as representative of each system. Stop in the middle and stop looping back and forth between the poles of experience that were never really real to begin with. We create them, they are real for us in terms of feeling them. They are bullshit when compared to reality. Maybe emotions are thought to be akin to drugs. Get high and come down. Wanna stay high, but can't. Guaranteed shitty come down. Had we never taken the drugs, that point would be stable from the get go. But since we do feel our programmed emotional responses, it takes a process to stop. I would consider Desteni to much like an emotional rehabilitation for the human conditioned minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself so that I may fulfill my underlying "feeling-need" to produce shameful work. This is what I had done tonight. I gave myself 45 minutes to write this post. And now I am here writing for the clock again, instead of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again use time as motivation, in that compromising my ability to really write for me and my own process. Writing for me alone, would be me writing me without this BS illusion that I MUST pump out one post a day, and that I DREAD having to do this HARD WORK that I have attributed to the process of self-investigation. More importantly, here, I must look at the relationship I have created within delaying hard work.

Points for further investigation:

  • The relationship to habitual resistance toward work
    • why unpleasant?
      • ha, it's like coming down off an emotional high
  • desteni i process = hard work
    • experience of difficult is a mental augmentation again (though DIP certainly requires work)
      • examine relationship to difficult
        • 1st thought = difficult yoga pose -> "breathe through it"
          • breath through resistance
When and as I see myself compromising myself because I feel a "feeling-need" that I must live out the consequences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must stop cycling through the infinite structural design of made-up feeling-experience. I commit myself to giving myself the permission to stop and breathe and chose self-direction. I commit myself to stopping the feeling experience that is off being to tired/unable to move myself.

Breathe. Move.

Breathe.

Day 202 - Pride in work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to complete my work, or even these daily writings, at a level of perfection as would be defined externally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set an "objective ideal" that is perfection outside of myself and to work toward that. Within that I am reaching for perfection from a state of desiring to be perfect. Why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear criticism of my work, indicating that it is not perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have perfect work to not have to experience the humility of producing work seen as bad or less than perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to reach a level of quality that is outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define what is quality work in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am participating in a mental polarity of producing bad/good work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just simply do work to the best of my ability. That is all.
--
When and as I see myself striving to complete a level of quality in my work that is defined according to what I think is perfection and only able to be praised, I stop I breathe. I realize that in desiring to produce work that would allow me to rest easy, knowing that it is perfect and not needing to be touched, or changed ever again, is a mental process within polarity of mind. I commit myself to stopping this self-judgement and bringing myself back here to produce the best quality of work by putting 100% of myself into my work.

This is a big point (as they all are). And within this statement, I see doubt. I fear that I am breezing by too easily, and that I will again experience a downfall in not being able to actually stop striving for perfection with my work. And, haha, within that statement, I see that I have an underlying desire to be perfect within this one post, such that I will have this point complete, over and done with by the end of this post.

When and as I see myself attempting to be perfect by completely walking through an entire mental construct in just one post, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is NOT a real, external standard of what or how one of these JTL posts is to be or accomplish. I commit myself to writing these posts within self-honesty as self-here, directing me fully, not hiding.

There is no 'right' and 'wrong.' There is only process, and it is a work in progress. When a point is clear, I move from here. Until then, I write and write, without judging my writing by any external standard, only discerning if I am self-honest within my writing. Self-honest writing is when I am directing my writing. This process is about self-investigation for the means of self-forgiveness to ultimately realize self, here. This is my focus. This is the orientation of my self-honest writing. Pride is something I'm giving up because it does not support self awareness within and as the breath. Pride is a mental construct intimately connected to the polarity of it, with is shame. I have produced shameful work. I have brushed it aside and chosen to just focus on the positive work that I could take pride in. This stops here.


Note:  Desire to not place picture, easier/faster. Also, prideless...vs prideful vs shameful. End it all and left with what? Placing a picture is to invite readers to read. It is effective. Simple. Mind is desiring to not place a picture (shame) which is the polarity of pridefully placing a picture. Stop the mind. What makes sense? A cute kitty picture.

"OMG. Is this perfect enough??"
...or 2

"thanks for reading!"