Day 397 - Finishing a post

I commit myself to finish this post.

I have a long-standing behavioral pattern of starting lots of little projects and not finishing them. For example, I've now got 4 draft posts starting with "Day 397 - ..." Some of them have have only a sentence; others have enough content to be published.

An important question = WHY?! Why am I doing this? There are several angles to take on it, so I'm going to methodically work through them.

1)   Trying to blog about too many angles of a particular topic. This is what happened last time, and what I am now at risk of doing, but this time, I'm committed to finishing. When unexpected angles, dimensions, facets, factors, etc. come into play, suddenly the whole idea of the plan can become shaky. It's like the mind is driven to reach a goal within a rigid plan, and as soon as things aren't going as expected, then the drive vanishes and the beginning never meets the end.

2)   Nurture. It's far too easy to just blame my parents, but I can see similarities in myself and the way I approach projects and various activities in life. I could go on to make comparisons, but that's not direction that I'd like to take my writing. The key within this is to recognize the similarities between Self and parents/whomever, write and expand our understanding about the strengths and weaknesses, and then TAKE RESPONSIBILITY to leverage our strengths and strengthen our weaknesses.

3)   Focus. I have 11 tabs open in my browser, not including this one or the other 220 I have stored in my OneTab extension. Like I said, I have an issue with finishing what I start. Fret not! I've got this point in my sights and I'm not backing away. To stay focused is simple (see the first 7 words in the post). And if that fails, investigate what went wrong, and start again with a fresh commitment. Why is this so powerful? Because Self has all the power, unless you give it away through accepting and allowing mental programs to drive your thoughts and so your Self.

4)   Prioritization. Without it, we can cast our vision too wide and quickly become overwhelmed by it all. My relationship with the sensation of overwhelmingness has typically been avoidance. As soon as things become "too much," I turn in the other direction. So, "too many responsibilities to do right now" = avoid all responsibility and find bliss in a game of Sudoku. It hurts to write. Self-Honesty is easy, said no one ever. Solution = orient to only the top priority and go for it. If a higher priority comes up, then focus every fiber of your being on that task until it's done so that you may return to the highest priority you were previously working on.

5)   Habit. Procrastination is not just something to take pride or shame in. It's also a habituated behavior. The mental pathways that lead to this behavior over and over again become favored in specific situations. Throughout my school years. I did what I wanted to do after school, and I did my homework (sometimes very) late into the night. This was my preference, and whatever the negative consequences were, I simply wrote them off for years on end. Now, the pattern is basically the same, except now, I've got a new starting point: Do what is best for all. So, it's not just me considering me anymore. To build my future and create significant value for others, I need to shed this habit. How? Self-forgiveness and corrected application commitments...work damn well.


Wrapping it up: I realize now that I don't have to have the perfect post...

6)   Perfectionism. Almost forgot it. I've intentionally left the above line to show my willingness to no longer trouble myself with the impossible goal of perfection defined in comparison with the ideal. This haughty goal takes a lot of energy and has gone on too long. Enough! The correction is in realizing that what I've written so far is already perfect within the process of perfection. Meaning, it doesn't have to be perfect now, but through continually applying myself and adjusting things as I go along, I will ultimately get as close as I can to perfection. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is living to your highest potential.


It is important to realize that forward movement is essential to becoming a success in any endeavor. Trying to reach perfection in one fell swoop and giving up if any obstacle comes up is a recipe for regret. Practice the writing and Self-honesty (@DIPlite). Move within imperfection while striving for a well defined outcome, and be ready to parkour any obstacles that stand in your way. Be ready for anything. Focus on the outcome you want, and focus on the solution when problems arise.

Creation is a movement and it doesn't always go as planned. Expect the unexpected and move like water.

source: garinkilpatrick.com

Day 386 - Who's Creating My Life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my life to be directed and determined by external events.

This is the key understanding of this post. I will continue to specify the what, why and how through self-forgiveness statements. If you are able, I invite you to join with me in speaking these statements aloud:


I forgive myself that I have relinquished the responsibility to direct my life because it is easier to just go with the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that going with the flow is the best way to live my life, not realizing the perpetual victimhood this creates for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an easy life with minimal responsibilities and obligations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I want to create a life that is highly rewarding, and leave a legacy behind that will best benefit this world, I must create it to be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am destined to do great things. In this belief, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special and able to achieve this greatness and recognition merely because I am special, that my perception and point of view is superior.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize and OWN my personal responsibility to willfully direct my life.

I forgive myself for just going with the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to the circumstance within which I had fallen into with little or no effort. Specific example: I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to try harder in school, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leverage my intelligence to simply get by with passing grades without really applying myself to discover my highest potential.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really push myself to discover my true potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be passive and to wait for external events to react to in a calculated way ensuring that I could achieve my self-interested goals. Specific example: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for another to initiate relationship advances so that I could protect myself from fear of rejection. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a strong negative emotion to failure and rejection, create a fear of failure/rejection, and fear that fear so extensively that I severely limited my expression and potential when interacting socially with peers.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how extensively I've limited my self-expression through allowing my own internal fears guide me on the 'safe track' in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define failure/rejection as unsafe.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace failure, rejection and weakness within myself, such that I could then grow, improve and strengthen myself in the bigger picture of my life...instead of concerning myself so very much with the small/immediate picture of myself / my life that I couldn't see how narrow my life path is.

This is an important point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that a life lead by reactions to immediate circumstances, wherein I am accepting and allowing myself to define myself by each consequence (i.e. failure), is not a life at all. Living in such a way is like living as a program that doesn't comprehend the highest potential as a possibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into thinking that I am creating my life lead by reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am not my reactions; to realize that these reactions are mental programs that drastically limit who I become in this life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for directing my life within a stable consideration of all things relevant.

I forgive myself that I have not yet fully accepted and allowed myself to stop the reactive, self-interested programming, BREATHE, and create my life path through a self-honest consideration of what decisions and actions will contribute to creating what is best for all life and ultimately allow humanity to reach our highest potential.

Self-corrective application commitment will be placed in the next post.

photo credit

Day 383 - Directing Uncertainty

In my last post, I started investigating my relationship with Uncertainty. Now, it's time to write out the process of changing it, and we'll see if anything new opens up along the way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as my nature in moments of uncertainty, and so allow myself to freeze up, become indecisive, and not take responsibility for directing myself in the situation that gave rise to the uncertainty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear uncertainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through desiring certainty, confidence, assuredness, safety, not realizing that within this desire, my starting point was a fear-based energy which is not who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the fear-themed thought, not realizing the separation of self within and through the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into a future projection and become attached to a desirable outcome, such that when I cannot be certain that the projection will manifest, I create a fear reaction that the projection will not manifest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that living according to future projections is a breeding ground for fear. I commit myself to start shifting into moment to moment, commonsense consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the future projections, wherein the uncertainty of it ever actually happening is a threat to myself as an ego. If failure happens, then I am defined by that failure, and I forgive myself for allowing myself to invest myself into this belief system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself be failures and success, instead of realizing that who I am within failure and success, how I respond to failure and success, is who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create 'what if' thoughts to justify a limited existence of myself, such as justifying myself as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "play it safe" when faced with uncertainty, by pursuing only what has a higher degree of certainty. I realize here how I've been taking more risks in other areas of my life to balance out this personality design. Example: Physical adventuring out into the unknown, balances psychological freezing up in the moment of making the first kiss happen. In this I am seeing that my fear of judgement from others weighs heavier in contributing to moments of uncertainty than does matters related to fearing for my physical well-being. This tells me that I still have a strong connection to the self-definition that I've built through the years in relation to other people in my world. This has to stop. I understand that my ego is not who I am, and yet I still fight to keep my ego alive...funny wording. As if the ego is actually alive!..hmmm. I haven't considered that I'm looking at my ego as a separate, living entity. It's an intricate system, yet it produces feelings and fears that feel real in the moments when they arise..

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my ego is an intricate system that obeys rules that I have set, based on all my past experiences. I have been seeing myself as the ego as living and as superior to myself. I built it. I created it. I want it to last...I AM THE ONE that is making my ego seem alive. I'm giving my life over to it. Wow, it's like the most fascinatingly integrated program ever, but I see it now. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see how I am substantiating my ego with myself through all my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the mind and direct my life from within my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a belief that it is difficult or "impossible" to stop the mind, my trusted program that protects me from exposing myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist exposing myself to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect and defend the idea of myself, where if there was a potential for others to see me negatively, I would resist interacting with them to keep my ego/self-image safe from discord. In this play out, I realize that the whole while I have been creating the discord I was trying to avoid, and 'what you resist, persists', so on goes my relationship with the programmed consciousness.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to bring myself into the awareness of what I've been doing to myself to the degree necessary to realize I must stop and change myself in relation to my participation within the mind, fear of judgement.

So the main point that presented itself today was that my specific system within uncertainty is related to fearing judgment of others onto self that would contradict my idealized self-image that exists in my head only, and has been created through future projections and past experiences of ego-validating moments with others. I realize that I this fear of judgement is substantiated in part by my own self-judgements, judgments toward others, and desires to be more than I am. To come: working on expanding my understanding of how and why I created these desire to be more than I am, to be better than others...yes. That's one of my original points walking into Desteni. I was a spiritual researcher, wanting to become enlightened and better than others to teach them all what's up. My ego drive went unfettered by me. This ends here.

photo source

Day 364 - Inertia Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly give myself over to the mind in allowing it to direct me throughout my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am being productive by getting my procrastination out of the way first :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain physically inert, as I give my directive principle of my body over to the mind, wherein the mind as me decides to take the easy way and produce nothing of value in the physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain inert for an extended period of time, allowing the mind to drag me deeper and deeper into a reactive psychological state where I only respond to my environment with what is necessary for my survival. In this, I note that my survival also extends to the survival of my ego (what others think of me), though this image maintenance is functioning at a bare minimum, just enough to avoid serious consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the passenger seat in the car that is my life.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to really assert myself, trust myself, be the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear an outcome for which I am responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it best to skate through life, relatively unnoticed, so that I can avoid potential negative judgement from others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to define who I think I am, based on how I think others think of me. Within this, I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself to judge others, and perpetuate this system of separation and judgment within me in multiple ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to how others might judge me by remaining as I am, inert, safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect inaction to safety within a positive relationship, where I seek safety, and so I seek inaction. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand this design of layered motivation that allows me to hide personality aspects from my perception. This alone is a solid reason to write the mind out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dig deeper into the rut of inaction, feeding the mind, strengthening the mind, giving into it, giving it my power; and for a moment, perceiving myself to be less than the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this feeling of compulsory procrastination (resistance energy) to manifest through my mind and into my daily living without questioning it, or who I am within it.

When and as I see myself sitting around the house and not doing anything productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have abdicated my responsibility to direct myself in reality in alignment with what is best. I commit myself to snapping out of it by taking a breath, recognizing the energy for what it is, and asking myself if this is really who I want to be: a slave to the mind.

When and as I see myself arguing for my limitations, I stop I breathe. I ask myself: Who am I deciding to be in this moment? Why? Taking into consideration that the feeling that I have to procrastinate is just a programmed mental reaction that I have accepted and allowed over many years to be my directive principle, is this really what I want to define me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand why delaying my process of standing up and becoming the directive principle of my life is not okay. In the very act of postponement, I give life to the system, I feed that program in the mind, I validate it, I contribute, support and strengthen the feeling/emotion within and behind it. I no longer accept and allow myself to continue to sabotage my process of self-change by giving in to my feeling/emotion reactions of delay.

When and as I see myself resisting the self-directive choice, and would rather prefer to give in to the mind, I stop in that moment, pause, lay down in my bed if that's what it takes, I breathe and stabilize the body by releasing that energy. From within the breath I look at my options. I realize my responsibility to direct the situation. I commit myself to direct myself within a practical consideration of what is best to do for myself and ultimately all. Currently, this mostly consists of walking this process and becoming an effective leader of my own life first. If I can't help me, I won't be any help to others.

When and as I see myself motivated to do what is best, I stop I breathe. I realize that acting within this positive energy of motivation is limited, and for this experience to exist the opposite must also exist, as per the law of polarity. I commit myself to give this motivated energy back to my body, breathe, and direct myself in alignment with the same goal, just without the energy as directive principle, but instead, myself.


Good for now. Reread this tomorrow and check the alignments. Reread this in a week, and write out which alignments didn't stick and why.

pic credit

Day 363 - Why did the chicken cross the road?

Some say the motivation was just to get to the other side...and it's funny. It's funny cause it's true. Because, we were expecting something more.

...I just spent a bit of time researching this classic "anti-joke," and I've found some interesting things. Here's the Wikipedia page, if that suits you...Also, here is a segment from an 8 minute video on the subject that interestingly goes into a neurological theory for why one might laugh at an anti-joke.

A realization I just had while looking more into why the chicken crossed the road: I must stay focused to clearly communicate my message, my conclusion, the point I'm trying to make. It's very easy to get off topic when there are so many directions that this could go, but the gift within this is the puzzle of finding the connection to the original point of discussion and articulating it in a way that readily makes sense.

This point of staying focused within the midst of a racing mind is a point that needs to be stabilized if we want to be effective in reality. To flow with the swaying of the mind is easier than disciplining oneself in physical reality context. This is the basis of what makes "ADD" kids less successful than the elite children in the private schools. I'll be using the Chicken to illustrate my concepts here on. You may see yourself as the Chicken.

Now, when Chicken is facing the road in front of him, and his mind is racing about all kinds of things, how is he going to get to the other side? The Chicken may even contemplate the 'how' as well as entertaining several what if's all related to one fear or another. But the question is: Why did the chicken cross the road? So, as the Chicken takes a deep breath and asks himself, Why?, he possess the power to make a choice and follow through. If a car is coming, it's a simple matter of common sense based in physical reality.

So, knowing your 'why' helps to focus. I'm pretty sure that a real life chicken would just operate with a 'why' starting point, and never even create a single thought. No energy is required for the chicken to motivate himself to cross the road.

So why am I crossing this metaphorical road? Let's first define the road. It's hard, difficult, risky, scary, real. On the other side of my road, I will define this as: being aligned with my physical body and all of physical existence through the principle of oneness and equality, unhindered in my expression (thought, word and deed) of what is Best For All in every moment of every breath. In this here 7-year Journey to Life blog, I'm writing about my process of crossing the road. In this process, I must face the road and forgive myself for creating energetic relationships (difficult, risky, scary, etc.) toward the road/process as well as all that constitutes who I have been in my journey before reaching the road. Getting to the other side is going to take some serious, focused introspection. 

If you took the time to check out that video segment I linked to at the beginning of this post, you get a nice visual for how the mind will operate in anticipation to reduce uncertainty. I most definitely am guilty of doing this, and the way I see it in how it breaks down is an ego desire to be right and the polarity fear of not knowing. This one information analysis/projection system of the mind is a major source of anxiety. Add it all up: Desire + Fear + Anxiety = petrified in uncertainty. Welcome to the world of being aware of being mind controlled.

The alternative is to be the Chicken who is so connected to his 'why' of crossing the road, it's clear, it's based in physical reality, that there is no need to think or worry or create projections and anxiety.

With purpose so clear

Focused fully, here

No need for fear

Ass is in gear

Fig. 2 - Ex. Immobilizing thought/desire

Day 355 - Specifying Clear Direction

I recommend reading yesterday's post: Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct  for context here,

Today I asked myself "what am I missing?" I am looking for solutions to my not doing what I really need to do. The procrastination system is so ingrained that even as I see it, I still don't make the decision to stop the pattern and do what is best. Now, typically asking this question threatens the system and my mind goes into being overwhelmed or just coming up with any diversion to not face the reality of my physical (in)action. Why is this?..also a great question. I fear failure on many dimensions and it runs deep. That's one of the reasons I perpetuate my bad habits, because if I commit to stop and then don't, I fail. Thus a commitment places me in a place of vulnerability through my specific definition of what 'failure' means. It's got a negative charge, my ego has a positive charge (perfection, flawless), and I can't maintain that ego illusion if I takes risks of failure.

Interestingly, without taking any of these risks, I'll surely fail. You know how it goes:

"You can't succeed if you don't try." - everyone
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." Theodore Roosevelt

That point is clear. What else am I missing? All that is coming up right now are the various dimension related to fear of failure. A perspective shift has to happen, and as I imagine myself moving without fear of failure, the point of allowing myself to be vulnerable is emphasized. Damn, I hate being vulnerable. That has to go. I'm limiting myself through a desire to be strong that I have placed in the hands of others perceptions of me. Meaning, I have long been defining myself by how I perceived others perceive me. Sometimes it was pure self-judgement (typically negative), and other times it was actual feedback from others (mostly positive)...That's an interesting dynamic in itself.

So what do I mean with 'Specifying Clear Direction'? My goal is to clarify the process of self-direction. By being ultra-specific with myself, I leave myself no backdoors. I am clear on all the relevant points of moving myself in a specific direction. I could produce 100 sentences using these 3 words to ensure that I am direct about specific clarity, but I'm going to allow some physical application and feedback happen while I patiently participate in the space-time continuum. For now, I commit myself to practice different forms of planning and investigating the what and how of individual task so that I am prepared to plan. BUT, importantly, it's not just about planning. The real meat is the execution. It's just to recognize that when execution isn't stable and consistent, that I must take a step back and introspect a little: "what am I missing?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get locked into a perspective that I know what I'm doing, while simultaneously not showing it. All back and no bite, as they say. I'm done barking. I commit myself to start going straight to the bite, and when I hesitate, I investigate whats going on inside of me.

"He who hesitates is lost." - My Dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking risks that could compromise my picture perfect self-concept that my ego has accumulated to be over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating within and as my ego. This must stop. Expanding my perspective to be able to see how my actions ultimately support what is best for all is not possible if I am stuck fighting to identify myself through, as and within ego. I commit myself to self-honestly exposing my ego-workings to myself so that I may continue accumulating the self-trust that is necessary to flow with clarity in my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be vulnerable in allowing myself to try new things, express myself without concern for how others may judge me, do something that might not work, create something that isn't perfect. Obviously there are several points related to my invincible character, and I commit myself to opening it all up and to start giving myself the space to fail, and experiment, and live free of fear of judgment, as am in the process of standing up and living by the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be extremely specific and clear with myself when determining my direction. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk myself through all the necessary points of understanding to be able to direct myself effectively, yielding physical movements that contribute to a specific goal. I commit myself to move myself through these practical guidelines that I've laid out for myself through today's writing. Until I am effectively contributing my daily efforts to what is best for life, I commit myself to investigating all of the finer details of myself, to remove the limited scope self-interest, and replace it with comprehensive consideration, a.k.a. common sense.

photo credit

Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct

By dancing around the issue, I've been leaving grey areas and back doors for myself to get out of my responsibilities. When I know I need to do something and don't do it, there was something missing from the picture. What did I not take into consideration when framing my tasks of the day?

And I'm talking about being clear and direct with myself to become more effective with my self-direction, but this would apply for communicating direction to others as well. I have found several instances recently where I wasn't communicating clearing within my questions, and the result was receiving frustrated questions in return instead of answers. So if I don't communicate clearly, direct and to the point, I find it much more difficult to work with others to meet really any goal. It would then make sense that if I'm finding it difficult to meet my own goals, perhaps I'm not being absolutely clear with myself.

To clarify ;) this is not a mere knowing what I want to accomplish. To be direct and clear in relation to a desired outcome, I need to factor in all relevant points. I must consider my current weaknesses and strengths, so I can recognize and stop a self-sabotage pattern and amplify my strong suits with strategy. I must consider the facts and my relationship with each of them. I must consider my why, my purpose, my operating principle, my who I am defined by the choices and physical outflow that I create. What am I missing? Also a question I need to ask myself.

When the answers start pouring at me, I must then also give myself direction. So being clear and direct allows me to have clear direction, but that self-direction is only worth as much as the follow through in physical reality.

Preparation should also be mentioned here. Without it, it is far to easy to get overwhelmed and cycle in self-defeat. Until I can clearly and directly see all relevant points in self honesty, in the moment of a single breath, I must prepare myself to stand. As I'm developing self-trust, I must show myself that I can trust myself. The best way that I can think to prove my trustworthiness is to first conduct the necessary research to fully understand what I am asking myself to do when setting a goal, and then to actually do it.

The current friction is coming from setting goals that I'm not prepared to accomplish. I need to sit myself down and directly show myself what is required to do, why, and how. A physical plan of action, of practical and immediate points, that I can move in alignment with what is best for me and all. To leave a hole or a way out of the understanding my role and accountability within this is to be dishonest with myself.

Self-honesty is no walk in the park. It's more like running down a rocky mountain. Each step must be specifically placed, so that the body weight can be effectively transferred, to be able to position the next step specifically. This very physical movement requires a flow of efficient decision making, which in turn requires a moment of foresight. If you aren't planning the next step before landing the current step, you won't be able to decide how the physical body must balance and shift accordingly. This is parkour philosophy.

I commit myself to parkour through my work day.

More on this tomorrow.

photo credit 

Day 350 - Deliberate Irresponsibility

I couldn't decide between 'deliberate self-sabotage' and 'irresponsible living' for this post title, so I combined the two. Basically, I have stayed up to extremely late hours of the night for the past two nights and for what? Entertainment. Some media shenanigans. To sit down, stare at a screen and wait for a chuckling experience.

I say, "no more!" This is a habit or pattern that I've been integrating into my beingness for many years. Just compounding the escapism. "I'm too tired to work or write a blog, but yeah let's do a TV show mini marathon." There's a similar design in bad eating habits too. "I don't want to eat responsibly because..., but sure I'll have a cookie. Oh that's a nice cookie...one more sounds good. Probably shouldn't have another..."(has another). And henceforth becomes pure denial and self destruction.

Okay. Now the point is here. Ready to be opened up! Reminder: do not move fast & self-honestly assess each and every dynamic that's with in this. First fear - Commitment. To actually walk a point through to completion requires a seriousness within/as the commitment to see it through. This is a fear relationship that I have long avoided. In fact, there are many points that I deliberately avoided because of some fear of loss or attachment that I've defined myself according to. I would get too overwhelmed to try and list them all here in one go, which is exactly how I as ego would approach assessing myself because through becoming overwhelmed, I delude myself into the mess that results when you do not investigate all things thoroughly.

So even now, my tendency is to just start looking for the other fears that are involved in this irresponsibility character I have going on. But ahhh; Till here no further. I stop, I breathe, and I investigate one point at a time.

I commit myself to actually investigating every single aspect comprising my relationship to the word 'commitment'. First and foremost, in the context of accomplishment. Within this, I realize that many dimensions will open up, and thus I commit myself to meticulously record all of what comes up while investigating this relationship to commitment and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing self-forgiveness, and to rather now sleep...

(several days later)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to do what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify on a whim, not being responsible by recklessly overindulging in media to intentionally avoid facing responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately delay responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must eventually, directly face the consequences of abdicating responsibility in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "I have the time" to waste from within a perspective of ignorance where I do not take into consideration all of those who literally do not have any extra time to spare. The single mother working two jobs to support her and her kids. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am responsible for the single mother of two through my acceptance and allowance of the system as it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am entitled to my financial position in the world.

That's a powerful one. I can't believe that I've had this belief still running in the background. There are some serious implications here, and this point must be realigned within me. I commit myself to realizing and understanding the limitation of myself in the context of all within my relationship to money. It's cool how the money relationship came up here because even though I wasn't expecting it, it's a crucial component involved with abdicating responsibility.

I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move slowly and thoroughly in my process, and within this for allowing a fast movement/reaction into delay and deliberate distraction. This is no long accepted in my life. I commit myself to leading a life filled with good habits in the absence of bad habits. To be more clear, I commit myself to be self-honest when deciding how to spend my time, and when and as I see myself in a pattern of choosing escapism over work, I stop, I breathe.

I breathe again, bring myself back into my body, breathe, and look at where I'm at, who am I here, and what is the bigger picture. Then I make a self directive decision.

More to come. Thanks for being patient with me.

photo source

Day 343 - The way forward

Continuation of yesterday's post

I commit myself to taking responsibility for myself to walk this process steadfast, moving consistently from my existing mind-based reality living to physical living.

I commit myself to recognizing others as equals, as life, as the potential of their physicals.

I commit myself to realizing that I am not as great as I think I am.

I commit myself to breathe and do what needs to be done.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing a personal reaction to continue.

I commit myself to living what is best, and investigating why I am not, until it is done.

I commit myself to realizing my potential.

I commit myself to standing as the directive principle of my life.

I commit myself to living toward my utmost potential.

I commit myself to flag and stop any thought of inability, i.e. "I can't..."

I commit myself to recognizing when I utilize any distraction to facilitate suppression, to then stop it immediately, or flag for priority processing (meaning: write that night to open it up; write and speak meaningful self-forgiveness; write corrective application statements and live them)

I commit myself to participate within the groups that support what is best, in the relevant context, for all.

I commit myself to live responsibly.

I commit myself to live in a way that supports what is best for myself AND by considering other beings as an extension of self, supporting and giving to them as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to realizing who I am in the context of oneness and equality.

Day 336 - Sleeping Awake

When I'm resisting a particular task or set of tasks, and I do not direct myself to work effectively, one of my mind's favorite ways to deal with this situation is to send a signal of tiredness. If I follow this pull to the bed, then I end up losing a lot of time. I certainly could have pulled myself together and finished at least one of the responsibilities, but I went for the feel good instead.

Lots to open up here. I can look at the relationships toward specific tasks / responsibilities. I can look at past moments where I've initiated tiredness. I can look at the practical process of 'pulling myself together'. With understanding there is a temporal process required to physically change the patterns that constitute oneself, I commit myself to finding any way I can make a small change in alignment with the goal of becoming the directive principle of my resting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "oh, let me just rest my eyes for a moment."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and hide the risk of falling asleep when I given into a tiredness moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am able to remain in control of my mind when I give in to tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there are practical physical support steps I can take to snap out of a tired state of mind, such as a cold face wash or a bit of water in the eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to direct myself out of the tiredness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this tiredness emotion that washes over me is a product of the mind and only as powerful as I allow it to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a victim relationship to the tiredness energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the tiredness energy, stand one and equal with it, and direct myself within a breath stability.

When and as I see myself nodding off while facing a set of tasks, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am going into a familiar reaction of avoidance through tiredness. I commit myself to flag this point, to take a breath, and really consider all of what is going on in this moment. Where am I going? How can I move myself into a directive awareness to stop this energy possession?

When and as I see myself "resting my eyes," I breathe and commit myself to an actual agreement of how much longer I will rest my eyes. I realize that there alternative solutions to warding off tiredness besides just sleeping it off. I commit myself to discovering these methods and baby steps toward stabilizing myself as a directive force.

When and as I see myself as inferior to my tiredness, I stop I breathe. I realize that I created this feeling. I commit myself to standing one and equal with my feeling tired, and directing it/me as the totality of myself in alignment with what is best for all. Get it done!

A key point within post is "taking baby steps." I'm now becoming increasingly aware of how I will not change if I do not change, but to Change can very easily seem like "too much." Then I get overwhelmed and resort to something like avoidance through tiredness. I am not finished with my relationship to sleep, but today was a step. Process happens one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. Change through tiny steps if necessary. To look back on my life and realize all the moments I could have changed but didn't, it's going to be displeasing. Solution = figure out how to take one step at a time.

Thank you.

pic credit

Day 331 - Fighting with Myself

A broad topic, but yes, I am becoming more aware of this internal conflict and struggle between doing what I know needs to be done and doing what I want to do. I've given myself plenty of time to study and look at this internal interaction that is utterly useless, only supporting the master design of procrastination. What I've found is consisting of two key insights: 1) I am reliant on reacting to the external to determine my drive and work ethic, and also imagining how others with judge me based on my efforts and accomplishments; 2) The act of the internal fight directly supports that which I'm resisting, manifesting the delay point.

1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire an external reason to motivate me. I realize that there is inherent separation of myself and that which is obtainable as a reward for my efforts. In this, I become addicted to and dependent upon a reward. Internal self-motivation is so foreign that I have allowed myself to keep taking the easy way, that which is known.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a source of external motivation to be personally better off in some way. I realize that this is not stable or sustainable through my experience. When there is now immediate reward, I postpone my responsibilities until I no longer am able to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to direct myself according to what is best for me and all in a moment of deciding what I will do in the next moment. This is the most pivotal moment, and to underplay the importance here is the beginning of the internal conflict, as back and forth, indecision.

2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this internal conflict and feel that I am in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a mind within a polarity oscillation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by participating within internal conflict as indecision, I am energetically charging this particular mental design of delay, giving it life, justifying its existence. I am enslaved to the systems in my mind and I do not realize it the majority of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too hard to self-realize as the breath, as life, as the physical that is here in equality and oneness.

credit

When and as I see myself waiting for a motive, reward or psychological benefit of some sort to commence working on a given responsibility, I stop I breathe. I commit myself to writing my decisions out on paper if I am having trouble reaching the common sense action in the context of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself in a critical moment of deciding what to do next, I stop I breathe. I give myself that one breath to bring myself back here, to myself in the physical. I commit myself to not give into the internal fight with myself, realizing that in doing so, I have handed my responsibility to direct myself over to my mind system that will bounce my consciousness back and forth (polarity), generate energy that builds and builds until I feel I have no/less power to will myself one way or the other, and I give in to procrastination.

Day 272 - Success and Failure pt.8

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question

Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7 - Externalized Directive

Yesterday I started exploring where and when I have abdicated my responsibility to direct myself. I found that there are many specific subjects/scenarios/situations that I let my mind simply choose my path, as if on auto-pilot. There are many ways that I allow my mind to day dream off into other things that I could be doing, other than the current task at hand. For example, since I've begun writing this paragraph, I've wanted to shower...but first maybe go for a run...and then I think about what points I want to write about for the rest of this post...and tomorrow. My focus in the moment wanders without my permission..

Is that what's really happening? Or am I making subtle choices to go into thought about what I want to do/write next?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mind, as a separate entity than myself, for making my mind wander, and so placing self as a victim of my mind that was created from my past. Wow. This is probably how everybody dodges the responsibility of self's choices. I have this awareness of what I know is the self-responsible thing to do, but then the desire steps in to suggest I do otherwise. NOW, the interesting thing: I place myself as a victim of my own desire. I separate myself from the desire. And within that, I place myself as inferior without even realizing this whole process.

All the while I have completely forgotten about my breath, forgotten that I am here, and my mind continues to have this internal battle, friction of right and wrong...but the curious thing here is that the purpose of this internal friction seems to just charge the desire. Back and forth until my argument for the desire wins.

This is a real problem. I could have just accepted that I have a hard time focusing and spent the rest of my life trying to focus, potentially medicating with mental aids like Adderall. Fortunately, I've been able to rely on my "do or die mode" to get the important stuff done when it matters. Doubly fortunate, I've stumbled upon an effective method of self-investigation through self-forgiveness to strengthen and bring my directive principle back to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mind and become a victim of my desire, not realizing that I am the creator of that desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility in having programmed my own mind to desire certain things based on past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that I am responsible for my desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to follow my desires when experiencing resistance toward writing/work, and within this I apologize to myself (I am sorry) that I have been foolish and let myself go when even faced with a little resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and give into my programming, to relinquish myself to the internal energies that I have structured to suit my self interest and that which makes me feel good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider how much my past influences who I am now, and in this, for forgetting that I created my perspective from past experiences and as the creator, I am responsible for all of me.

When and as I see myself within an internal battle, creating friction between two wants, I stop I breathe. I realize that I know what I really want to do is aligned with what's best for all (and me), and that by participating in the internal debate, I am actually building the argument for the self-compromising desire. I commit myself to live here, and continually bring myself back here, to my breath, when I make self-directive decisions.

I commit myself to make self-honest agreements with myself.

I commit myself to stop trying to spin/justify my choices without being self-honest and considering the whole picture, including the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the act from the consequence.

I commit myself to realizing the connection between the act and the consequential outflow when making a decision to move or speak. (thought, word, deed...interesting how I left out the thought dimension of this commitment...not ready?..thought dimension to come)

I realize that some of my commitments seem 'ideal' and may to some readers seem impossible. I commit myself to share with my readers my entire 7 year journey to life, the entire process of deconstructing my internal mind programs and recreating them with awareness of what is best for all.

I commit myself to continually investigating where my commitments do not hold up. This relates to 'failure' and my whole failure character. More on this tomorrow!

When and as I see myself experiencing resistance toward my work, I stop, breathe, and realize that I am now within a system/program where my goal is to abdicate my responsibility to be self-directive. I commit myself to write about resistance as it comes up. I commit myself to further exploring the starting point of that resistance. I commit myself to also explore the desirable distractions that I turn to when resistance comes up to investigate that side of the equation and find out how I've created that desire in the context of my past.

I commit myself to giving myself plenty of time to work this all out for myself. This is not a race. This is me effectively applying myself in every moment, every breath. This is me having fun! :)

For a cool, related perspective:

This interview nicely depicts
self-change vs self-compromise.

Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question

How am I directing myself today? I am directing myself to write on self-direction and write Self-forgiveness on what I find today and found yesterday.

How have I been directing myself today? There multiple moments of self-direction. So how can I effectively address this question? Bullet List!

• The moments where I was directing myself
• Study DIP material
• time pressure within it
• The moments when I was just going with the flow
• Went for McDonalds breakfast
• craving something delicious
• reason to ride my bike
• Helping out around the house / yard work
• earning my keep; obvious priority
• Little time distractions

So what's going on here? What patterns can I hone in on and focus on? It's interesting how the only moments where I am pushing myself to be a director of myself is when the time pressure point is present. Other than that, I am functioning within obligation and desire / resistance to be self-responsible. Within that, I recognize that I am creating an illusion that I have nothing pressing, by ignoring all that I could be doing. This is the primary point of self-sabotage within the design of procrastination.

Now that I'm seeing how much goes into my procrastination system, I will patiently move through the layers. First to recap my understanding: I procrastinate because I neglect work that I could do that is not forced upon me either by others or my own externally positioned decision. It will be a process to bring myself back to the here moment where I simply work for me without an external motivation. I look forward to breaking this system down and rebuilding myself as a self-responsible productivity man man man!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define success as according to achievement of externally imposed missions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create internal motivation ONLY according to desire and positive feeling experiences, not realizing how I am limiting myself and compromising my responsibility to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can accomplish my journey to life within a particular time frame such that I create a feeling of rushedness and desire to move fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to move fast will ultimately slow me down because without a stable starting point, I will not create stability.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to practice becoming stable within myself when and as I direct myself within accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring my past track record of moment to moment awareness and responsibility into mind and use it as an elusive and vague excuse to not remember my breath.

When and as I see myself waiting for an external point of motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am holding myself back from achieving success for myself in every moment that I choose the desirable distraction over self-responsibility. I commit myself to take responsibility for each moment that I choose to delay what I could be doing. In this, I commit myself to investigate why I gave into a particular distraction program within delay.

I realize that delay / procrastination is an umbrella system, not to be decoded with one fell swoop. Same with my nail biting habit. It's not the habit itself that needs to be addressed. It's the internally structured, energetic experience pattern behind it that I need to hone in on and take responsibility for stopping. I keep delaying that point because the anxiety system seems bigger than me....crazy. I need to get back to that, soon.

When and as I see myself wanting to move fast through a point, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is a significant difference between desire to accomplish more faster, and a stable application of myself that is effective, consistent and reliable. I commit myself to the restructuring of my internal motivation sources, slowly, and first by deconstructing the existing self-interest that really isn't serving what's BEST for me. What is best for me is also best for all.

When and as I see myself moving from a point of instability with regards to being productive or doing hard work, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not practicing a sustainable solution. I commit myself to stop looking at the keys on my keyboard so that I will ultimately type faster than if I keep cheating by looking, for example. I'll post more on this point as well. So many points. Point, point, point.

I commit myself to really be serious about understanding what is going on inside of me when I abdicate self-responsibility. What system is at play? When did I start doing this? Regret? Shame? Doubt? I commit myself to keep digging. No excuses for not taking responsibility for myself. Investigate.

picture credit

Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Yesterday, I ended pt.2 of this series with a commitment to begin making an application of breath a new habit when faced with resistance, and desirable distraction. What I haven't really taken into account is all of the step I need to take to establish this habit.

This is the basis of which I will achieve my success. With a plan. With diligence. With commitment to who I am in relation to work. As barriers come up, I work through them. No more wallowing in failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged when I fail. I commit myself to perceiving failure as opportunity for growth, and no longer allowing a spiral of negativity. In my past, I have been so good at suppressing the self-defeated, inadequacy, "I can't do it" character that I wouldn't even acknowledge it. Rather, I'd simply move into a distraction or diversion that would allow me to maintain an inner positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my own inner feeling in a single moment rather than considering how I would self-honestly feel about a situation while taking into everything into consideration. To procrastinate requires this dynamic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to temporarily ignore the inevitable consequence of delaying work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how much more proficient I could be if I didn't delay even one task. Delaying one task, delays all tasks. Unless I agree with myself that the delay is warranted through having task 2 take priority over task 1, I need to stay focused on achievement. That yields success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay achievement, not realizing the consequence of delaying my success. If this continues until I die, I will have failed.

So what I'm seeing now, is that delay leads to failure and could be considered one and the same. I commit myself to not become discouraged and spiral into delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how delay is a fail, especially when I don't get up and give my whole moment/hour/day away to a feeling-guided storm of 'unproductivity'.  I commit myself to stop this when and as I see myself in this behavior.

Before the behavior comes thoughts. I commit myself to flag point which thoughts occur when I move into delay so that I will be best able to walk my process effectively in dismantling those specific thoughts so my directive power lies within my breath. From here, I move effectively.

I commit myself to continue to with this point until I am a living, breathing example of self-direction in every moment. Enjoy.

Picture credit

Day 259 - The Longer Shortcut

Problem:

It amazes me how much I can do during a day and still not get around to the things I really wanted to do. This is the result of a particular type of laziness where I allow myself to justify delaying my original tasks because the secondary tasks are productive. Hence, I feel temporarily productive, on track, getting ahead on other responsibilities. So, there's a false sense of moving faster by moving quickly, YET chaotically. This is a 'slow and steady wins the race' kind of deal.

Typical run of the program looks like: Intention set -> excuse to not do it right now, which is a multitude of vaguely justifiable activities. This procrastination system is deep rooted, and I've dug in to it a bit here and there since Day 2 - Procrastinating on Purpose. I've accumulated enough moments of procrastination and build a solid laziness character. Is this who I want to be? A being bogged down by a residual energetic enslavement? I can't allow this anymore.

Solution:

I realize that I do not have to allow the energy/feeling of laziness be my directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually submit to the energetic movements of resistance and lethargy that pop up within me when faced with working on my primary responsibilities that I have set for myself.

The only way I'm going to stop this pattern is by stopping it myself. Waiting, hoping, wishing, wanting haven't amounted to much. I realize that I must stand strong and breathe through the moment of desire to divert from my work. When and as I see justifications come up, I stop I breathe. I consider the point in a practical, level-headed manor so that I do not sabotage myself with simply wanting to remain in the positive energy.

I commit myself to write down the tasks/points that need to be directed after I am done walking the current point. Within this, I commit myself to stop myself from walking down a windy road unnecessarily. A to B, point to point.

Reward:

Developing the skill of self-direction will serve me for all of my years to come. A stability will be my starting point when facing any "difficult" situation. The reactions no longer dictate who I am in relation to...'my hot buttons.'  Riding the breath, not the energy.

There will be time saved as I become more focused and able to organize tasks. Within this I'll be more able to clearly see when a secondary task has merit or if it's more a method of escaping the primary task.

Ability to take on more responsibility when I stop cycling between, 'having the time to waste' and playing catch-up.

--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cycle between having time to kill and barely having enough time to finish my primary responsibility of the day, not realizing that I have bought into my own excuses and justifications to ride within positive energy movements without any regard or consideration for the actual consequences.

When and as I see myself moving within a justification that supports delay, I stop I breathe. I realize that just because I'm doing work, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm being productive. I commit myself to breathe and consider the my work situation in common sense, write if it seems too much, and move myself within a directive principle that supports what's best for me and ultimately all as one and equal with me.

This blog is my birthing grounds. Thanks for reading.

photo credit

Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road

Ok, I'm at the breaking point.

How will I proceed?

I can write about self-change only so much more. If I do not start living the changes I want to see, then I need to reassess who I am in this process. Why do I continue to write with energy and not live my words as one and equal expression of myself?

Yesterday I wrote about this idealized inner self. That's what I am unleashing when I write. So there is this deattachment from reality as I write in separation of my actual, lived participation. This is a critical error that needs to be looked at from every angle because if I only see it through one dimension...I am a failure. And all I'm good at is failing. Not a healthy perspective.

The reality is that I'm walking a multidimensional process. To sort out all that is at play in my mind takes patience, I realize that. I also realize that my writing is only serving to clarify what's going on within me, FOR ME to take into consideration and apply what I discover in the moment that matters most. The moment of change. The moment of caving, and letting the desire/fear take over my directive capacity.

So I'm in this physical dimension, and walking many dimensions of my personalities through writing, so eventually I'll reach that point of having accumulated enough perspective to become more aware of my directive processes. This point, like a tipping point, is where I have seen enough of myself to no longer be able to stand within my energetic programmed existence of push and pull. And when I've had enough, I change. Can't bear the shame.

I stop, I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize the consequences of inaction, of being aloof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only attempt self-change through reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe when I want to align with what is best for me and all life equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop an inner self-concept that looks/feels better than the realistic version of myself, creating a false sense of security as who I am..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change through realization alone, therefore all I believed I was responsible for was this fun, structured blogging and then self-change would just naturally unfold.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to breathe and become the self-director of who I am in the moment of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself to be self-directive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not sound my self-forgiveness out loud to live and breathe the words to life. In this, I have been only walking my realizations of desired self-change in writing. Very similar to paying attention in class and yet not ever doing homework (another school personality of mine).

When and as I see myself faltering in the moment of self-change, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may or may not have the context to make sense out of what is moving me. I commit myself to study and examine the energies that move me without my permission. I commit myself to start standing up within myself as life within equality and oneness to direct myself in a common sense way. Self-sabotage is going out of style.


Tomorrow I'm going to dig deeper into my relationship to speaking self-forgiveness aloud and figuring out the differences of only writing vs sounding it as well.

picture credit

Day 244 - Where has my Attention Gone?

Continuing from yesterday, I am expanding here on how my attention like to wander. I realize that each individual instance of attention wandering may have various, specific points that require my attention, ha. So the basis of all my self-investigation work requires that I be attentive to what takes my attention away.

cc

I have labeled myself as having ADD, but what that actually entails, I have not thoroughly investigated. To define it, once and for all, Attention Deficit Disorder is, in my experience of it, an agility of thought that moves on to the next thought rapidly and frequently. I can pay attention to something for a long time if I need to/want to, but usually I just don't want to. So, ADD for me is kind of a positive mind state seeking. I want to be engaged with the next thought. That's the positive definition that I have utilized to cope with "ADD."

The negative side is how the willingness to not give too much attention to any one thing causes much unfinished business. I tend to have a difficult time with long and tedious work, and usually just let my mind jump around until I must stay focused (i.e. procrastination & delay patterns). When I used to smoke weed, my attention was diverted continuously within a favorable experience, and the primary consequence was a trail of unfinished work/projects/pursuits. I don't blame the flower, but it did positively amplify the experience of my attention frolicking.

So, this point of establishing a stable attention within myself and in reference to my own self-honesty that is here in every single breath is not going to be as simple and straight forward as I would like it to be. What I've liked is the "freedom" of a wandering attention. This is a major key: realizing that this "freedom" is not real freedom. It's more accurately a predictable out flow of lack of self-control over my attention. My willingness to jump around with whatever is impulsed my way is like the ultimate programming, isn't it? I've opened myself up to psychological attacks from the media, namely,sex and money appeal, but even just now the bag of cookies that my brother just put in front of my face (impulse) caused an internal debate that lead to an imagination and mouth watering that took over control and I ate a damn cookie. In this specific case, I realize that I need to investigate several dimension of my sugar eating character.

Bottom line: establishing a consistent self-awareness of myself AS my attention will be a great benefit to my discipline. Enough prelude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with the alternative attention outlet such that I build up an internal friction-energy that takes me away from my self-attention. So, a key realization here is that what I am correcting is my relationship to the individual subjects/objects of attention that seem to take me over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself go within an energy experience overlay onto whatever is calling for my attention without me considering who I am within that movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here with myself as breath in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my self-attention is who I am, and within this, every time my attention is diverted, I am responsible for that, it was my decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility and self-awareness when I become distracted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself within a series of attention grabs. In this my sense of awareness of self, of my breath, is nonexistent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about my breath of life as who I am in every moment when I blindly follow whatever catches my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive power away to whatever distraction that I have deem as interesting. In this process, I am not creating a self-honest agreement in relation to relinquishing my attention from one thing to the next. I am merely within a reactive, predictably programmed mind experience that I had once created within myself from a starting point of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define all self-interested pursuits as valuable and worthy of my attention  not realizing that through this program, I am placing control of my attention outside of myself as I passively seek fulfillment of this desire, which is the base program of my automatic attention diversion acceptances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally become distracted because I am experiencing resistance to what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not always be present with my breath, what is here, and what requires to be done.
--
When and as I see myself within the friction of an internal debate for my attention, I remember to stop and breathe. I realize that if I am with my breath, I may take into consideration a stable perspective and make a real self-directed decision. I commit myself to stop allowing my attention to move with distractions when I become aware of my who I am as my breath. I commit myself to moving from a common sense starting point, and when I am in discord with that, I commit myself to investigate my relationship to whatever had grabbed my attention without permission.

When and as I see myself in a series of attention diversion, I stop I breathe. I realize that I need to start writing down all the distractions, so that I can remember and analyze what I deem is worthy of my attention. I commit myself to the self-honest investigation of all attention grabs.

When and as I see myself deliberately moving into a distraction, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that this is just a well embedded system of conscious diversion. I commit myself to breathing through the resistance that lead me to make a deliberate choice to go into a distraction from whatever I was currently facing.

When and as I see myself in a loss of directive control of my attention, I stop I breathe. I realize I need to investigate the specifics of each particular attention preference that I have coded into my mind. I commit myself to bring myself back to my hereness with my breath, so that I may once again stand up and direct my attention to what is here, what requires to be done to create a world that is best for all.

Thank you.

Day 240 - Timing and Responsibility in my Hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into place with energy in such a way that I only know how to move within energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely when I do not have a positive energy guiding me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I know how to be successful only within and through energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for myself from a starting point of what is here physically.

At the moment I am experiencing a bit of tiredness, ran around a lot today, and with this tiredness, I am frantically searching for viable distractions, my mind races with ideas to not have to face what is here, which is the physical keystrokes and this computer screen. As I sit and choose not to participate in the distractions, I realize that I have to use like an inverse energy experience of imagining the dissatisfaction I would have with myself for indulging in the non-productive time sinks. For example, I could go down the stairs and eat some chocolate ice cream with peanut butter and watch a little of whatever my mother is watching on the television. I would typically just go for it through justifying it with backchat, "it won't that that long."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that each moment and activity related to delay add together and accumulate. I do not want to be accumulating the consequence of a immediate desire fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my responsibility into the hands of my future self, believing that I will be be able to just do everything later. This is not leadership. This is sneaky form of complacency. "Oh, I'm so able, I can just do it later." There is this underlying belief that I do not need to work as hard right now because I can catch up to the average work ethic. It's a perpetuation of my past ability to work under pressure and get things done at the last minute. This method seemed to free up a lot of time for the cost of being in slave-mode for only a brief sprint at the end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude my potential production by subscribing to the belief that I only need to just get by and fit in with the majority. At the same time, I had held the belief that I was a top tier human being, I was just to afraid to fail, so I had never put myself out there within leadership roles. I had inverted. I focused on becoming an effective leader of myself. It seemed like a smart choice, but what happened was no real accountability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me purely so I could feel like my imagined greatness of self was legitimate, not realizing that others were actually showing me myself. All this time I have been building this self-concept, and only occasionally acting to achieve my goals. There was always more time..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay the responsibility I have toward myself in developing my talents and abilities through applying myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on external motivation to produce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent of self-compromise at play through participating within my ego and believing I am who I think I am.

It's a curious thing, this allowance of my internal make-believe world as a reference point and a starting point. As I progress in diffusing the charges of limited perspective inherent in these personality programs, I start to wonder how I ever could have been so foolish, but that's just another program of self-criticism. The reality is, the chain of events that lead me to where I was and am today. All things considered, there is no secret. Only responsibility to direct oneself to support what is best, best for all.

I will continue to decipher my resistance in being a responsible citizen of this earth so that I may become increasingly effective within stabilized self-motivation and share with you how I did it. Thanks.

wikimedia pic

The direction of the world is related to how much responsibility

the individual is willing to take.