Day 365 - Making it more than what it is

Ahhhhh, this point has been compounding in my psyche for the past year! It's perfectionism. It's a desire to be perceived in a certain light. It's fuel for procrastination even.

I was going to write a Desteni witness statement today and layout the changes that I've seen in myself since I started applying myself in this process. Turns out that I can write A LOT on the topic. The witness statement project was taken on by several others in the group while I was visiting the farm in South Africa. I didn't participate because I didn't feel confident in the actual progress I'd made so far in process.  Today, I am able to share some noticeable points of change, but I want to be clear and concise with it.

For now, I am just going to start with ironing out this relationship I have for making things to be more than what they really are. For the past year, I've made Desteni to be more than what it is. The result of this was unintentionally alienating myself from everyone around me. Foolish mortal! Lol. The fact is, Desteni is just a set of tools that assist in clarifying a tainted perspective, namely writing and self-forgiveness. Making it out to be anything more IS the tainted perspective that made it so much harder to be heard by others (especially those who have perspectives tainted in the other direction!). To neutralize my relationship to Desteni has been a long process, that I'm just now getting a grip on.

Bottom line realizations of the day: I don't have to be perfect. I don't care if others can't yet see the value of applying the Desteni tools. What I care about, is that I'm consistently moving myself. To allow procrastination is simply saying that I believe my mind has more power than my will. And all those little thoughts that say don't try because you will probably fail...I'm so over it.

I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination because of the relationship I have with actually doing something "difficult" and blowing it out of proportion, so that the risk of failure is too much to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a single outcome, which is how I create a self-movement action to be blown out of proportion, and within that accentuate the fear that paralyzes me while I sit and justify postponement...in many cases, this leads to a missed opportunity which is desirable from that limited, fear-tainted perspective, but looking back at the whole picture in self-honesty, it's much better to stand and face the fear, than to run from fear over and over again.

Herein lies a Destonian key. The principle of accumulation. Start standing up and transcending fears, one by one, and they add up. I have found that when you run away from one fear, you run right into the same fear in a new situation. Oh it is preposterous and shameful in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence of repeating the same fear experience when I give into that fear.

Examples of fears that I am referencing while I write this. Breaking the ice and talking to girls in grade school. Over and over, same fear, new face. Fear of rejection/ridicule blown out of proportion. So many times I've suppressed my self-expression within this fear. More relevant to today is...actually it's the same fear! With just a different context, I also fear rejection and ridicule of my self-expression through writing. This causes me to resist posting and relates to the perfectionism disease. Through the desire of the perfect outcome, I'm actually trying to control how other's judge me. Ahhhhhh! The limitation I'm placing on myself because of what I think you will think of me! Ahhhh! You think what you will, that's your deal. What I think about me in my writing, my self-expressive moments, the fears that I allow to suppress me to keep me safe from negative judgement is SUPER silly because of the circle. I'm experiencing the fear of the fear that I'm trying to prevent through that fear. This stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear experiences in an attempt to prevent my fears from manifesting, not realizing that through my relationship and participation within that fear, I am actually setting the stage for that fear to manifest in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inflate the fear of my fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I fear must be prevented at all costs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be defined by self-expression that isn't perfect or socially loved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape and conform my self-expression into and through a narrow set of social rules in hopes to be liked by my peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-worth according to the feedback I get from my peers in how cool they think I am, how much they talk to me and include me with the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in accordance to my inclusion within a group of people.

I forgive myself for making acceptance by a group of others more than what it really is, thus inflating the fear of being excluded.

That's the point. I overvalue what my expression means in the eyes of others. I care to much what they say. I define myself by their judgments. It's not useless information, but to allow fear in here, and then to allow myself to amplify that fear to the point that I massively suppress my self-expression and then end up sabotaging my relationships, manifesting that fear that I feared...this is unacceptable. And for doing this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed with the fear of my fears manifesting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself so narrowly as one miss-take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to blog everyday, for me alone, for me in my process, for actual movement through the layers of tainted-perspective. I'm accumulating a clarity within that I have never known before. To limit this process within a starting point of that same childhood fear of being excluded from the group is negligent self-sabotage. And for that I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my expression in fear of being excluded from the group, from power, not realizing that acting through this fear is the process of manifesting it.

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This post went on longer than I wanted it to, but it's okay. This is for me and for those willing to walk with. The one's that would read 1/6 of the way down and say "this is stupid" are not my problem. I don't know why I have even been trying to remain in their group. Asking the question comes with the answer :)  - the coolest part of process. I wanted to remain in all or as many groups as possible in my quest for more and more power / influence. If you reject/ridicule me, I am less significant in your life, and that hurts my self-definition. Ouch. But the solution here is easy! I see the point, and now all I have to do is let go of that self-definition dynamic. How? Duh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is defined by the group of people that accept or reject me. Why did I do this?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to create my reality within and without, but to have instead relied on other to tell me what myself and my reality is.

Shoot. The point within and behind the other point. Okay, quick recap of today's points:

1. Making a desired/feared outcome more than it really is.
2. Fear begetting fear.
3. Trying to control the outcome / other's judgments of me.
4. Self-worth derived from public opinion
5. Yielding to others to create my world and reality.

This has been a cool post for me to see how I went from only looking at the surface point, to doing a self-honest investigation of what fears and beliefs compose that surface point. Digging deeper through self-forgiveness and self introspection. Realizing that this will go even deeper when I investigate the patterns of insecurity in relation to creating reality as an equal participant as anyone here on earth. 

It ain't over until I, as one and equal with the Fat Lady, sing! ;)

cc

(note: the change in writing voice from the beginning to the end. I went from explaining a point to walking process. check yourself)

Day 355 - Specifying Clear Direction

I recommend reading yesterday's post: Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct  for context here,

Today I asked myself "what am I missing?" I am looking for solutions to my not doing what I really need to do. The procrastination system is so ingrained that even as I see it, I still don't make the decision to stop the pattern and do what is best. Now, typically asking this question threatens the system and my mind goes into being overwhelmed or just coming up with any diversion to not face the reality of my physical (in)action. Why is this?..also a great question. I fear failure on many dimensions and it runs deep. That's one of the reasons I perpetuate my bad habits, because if I commit to stop and then don't, I fail. Thus a commitment places me in a place of vulnerability through my specific definition of what 'failure' means. It's got a negative charge, my ego has a positive charge (perfection, flawless), and I can't maintain that ego illusion if I takes risks of failure.

Interestingly, without taking any of these risks, I'll surely fail. You know how it goes:

"You can't succeed if you don't try." - everyone
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." Theodore Roosevelt

That point is clear. What else am I missing? All that is coming up right now are the various dimension related to fear of failure. A perspective shift has to happen, and as I imagine myself moving without fear of failure, the point of allowing myself to be vulnerable is emphasized. Damn, I hate being vulnerable. That has to go. I'm limiting myself through a desire to be strong that I have placed in the hands of others perceptions of me. Meaning, I have long been defining myself by how I perceived others perceive me. Sometimes it was pure self-judgement (typically negative), and other times it was actual feedback from others (mostly positive)...That's an interesting dynamic in itself.

So what do I mean with 'Specifying Clear Direction'? My goal is to clarify the process of self-direction. By being ultra-specific with myself, I leave myself no backdoors. I am clear on all the relevant points of moving myself in a specific direction. I could produce 100 sentences using these 3 words to ensure that I am direct about specific clarity, but I'm going to allow some physical application and feedback happen while I patiently participate in the space-time continuum. For now, I commit myself to practice different forms of planning and investigating the what and how of individual task so that I am prepared to plan. BUT, importantly, it's not just about planning. The real meat is the execution. It's just to recognize that when execution isn't stable and consistent, that I must take a step back and introspect a little: "what am I missing?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get locked into a perspective that I know what I'm doing, while simultaneously not showing it. All back and no bite, as they say. I'm done barking. I commit myself to start going straight to the bite, and when I hesitate, I investigate whats going on inside of me.

"He who hesitates is lost." - My Dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking risks that could compromise my picture perfect self-concept that my ego has accumulated to be over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating within and as my ego. This must stop. Expanding my perspective to be able to see how my actions ultimately support what is best for all is not possible if I am stuck fighting to identify myself through, as and within ego. I commit myself to self-honestly exposing my ego-workings to myself so that I may continue accumulating the self-trust that is necessary to flow with clarity in my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be vulnerable in allowing myself to try new things, express myself without concern for how others may judge me, do something that might not work, create something that isn't perfect. Obviously there are several points related to my invincible character, and I commit myself to opening it all up and to start giving myself the space to fail, and experiment, and live free of fear of judgment, as am in the process of standing up and living by the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be extremely specific and clear with myself when determining my direction. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk myself through all the necessary points of understanding to be able to direct myself effectively, yielding physical movements that contribute to a specific goal. I commit myself to move myself through these practical guidelines that I've laid out for myself through today's writing. Until I am effectively contributing my daily efforts to what is best for life, I commit myself to investigating all of the finer details of myself, to remove the limited scope self-interest, and replace it with comprehensive consideration, a.k.a. common sense.

photo credit

Day 312 - Taking Breaths for Granted

This is a cycling realization that each moment is a moment that I am either directing myself specifically or I am running on autopilot according to some outdated mental program that I created in my formative years.

It is a cultural phenomena to bounce around from distraction to distraction. Maybe we call it an occupation because we can make money. This form of distraction is "okay" because money is all that really matters, right? It defines us. Not only does it support our survival, but it's also very much a societal status thing. I'm slipping into a rant about money as I digress.

The concept I'm trying to share is the idea of I can take X amount of breaths a day for granted. I mean, what is up with that?! Why is this chill? How do I not realize the significance of who I am in each moment, with every breath? It's absurd, and yet commonplace. I know there are many readers (you) who can remember having at least a single moment where they felt alive! To enjoy life in that absolute simplicity of being life. To be alive....how awesome is that!

Alas, this accounts for only a small fraction of our lives, probably more during our childhood. So what happened? Where did I lose myself?

Since I've been walking with Desteni, one of the key tools they push is to breathe. And on my mind I kind of go, "yeah yeah, ok.," all while I'm totally missing the idea.  I realize this is going to be a long journey to life, BUT I don't intend to make it longer by repeatedly taking my breath for granted.

To be continued with specifically designed self-forgiveness.

Day 284 - Party vs Blog

Today is the 'Cinco de mayo' excuse to party in the college scene. There are a plethora of sombreros and fake mustaches flying around the crowd. Here I am, thinking I should have........8 minutes of heavy dancing later...should have written earlier, knowing full well that I would be faced with this conflict of self-support vs socialization. It's a point of self-honest responsibility. Reminds me of my Day 54 - Other Distraction where I briefly discussed this dynamic of placing social time as a higher priority than time with and for myself.

Halloween 2010         - picture credit

It was effective to some degree because here I am. Thankfully, I can get away with missing the 'getting drunk' phase and join the group momentarily because I've practiced the art of sober partying since Fall of my senior year. The point of treating others in the social scene as a higher priority than myself is a huge point that is still rooted within me. On the cool side, here I am, pushing myself to be responsible to myself within process even in the moment when the music gets shut off and everyone is moving to the next party. It's intriguing how I want to be out there with everyone on my vacation, but I didn't consider this moment when I was delaying my writing earlier in the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to blog without considering the potential of the situation I was in now. In this, I was vaguely holding the potential of just skipping my blog post today, but when the moment came, I chose to stay back and finish my responsibility. Why? I am on a streak in terms of not missing any days....that's the first reason to mind and I don't like it. I really do want to simply write as a method of effective self support, and when I am rushed like I am now, I could very easily just be pumping out the bear minimum 'to just get by.' In fact, I am doing that to some degree.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in a position where I am rushed to pump out a blog post that isn't my best material, in terms of self-support. I realize that I started out very oriented to how I perceived others would judge my writing, but even as I write this sentence, I wonder how useful all of this post so far has been really supportive. Next moment, I feel that by writing/revealing that, seems very self honest and thus ultimately self-supportive as I imagine looking back to this post as I did for Day 54. It really does all build together. The important part is that I DO write. Also being mindful of who I am within my writing is essential if I am aiming to support myself in realizing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay asserting myself within myself, for myself, in finding/realizing what it requires to be balanced and effective with regards to self-support and social life. I realize that social life is equally as one important as my self-support, thus by delaying my self-supportive writing, I have compromised my social life. Through realizing this, and accepting my responsibility within it all, I sit and I write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for making the choices that lead me to this moment by not really, and I mean really, considering how the practical consequences would likely be. It's obvious that I would find myself here, or out sober partying while worrying if I would be back before midnight with enough time to pump out a cheap blog. Within all of this, I realize that delay does not frickin serve me at all. I feel like a little baby-man, whining inside myself....only to ultimately find myself stuck with myself, alone. Very eye opening.

When and as I see myself delaying responsibility to support myself within process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am making a choice, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to that understanding of who I am within a choice of delay and what the consequences of doing so are. To hide the consequences from myself is the dishonesty, is the core problem here, is how I've been letting myself get into these situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of inaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been hiding and/or quickly suppressing what the consequences are in the critical moment. This moment is where the only real choice exists: To be or not to be....Self-Honest....that is the question.

I commit myself to to continue this writing process to build awareness of myself within this critical, self defining moment. Thank you.