Day 298 - Under the hood of Self Doubt

Continuing from: Day 297 - Doubting Myself

Yesterday was a little introduction to my self-doubt character. Today I want to add some depth, still maintaining the perspective that this personality is a huge umbrella of points that I must face.....I just wandered off into a cool thought of creating an info-graphic map of my mind. Perhaps when I get closer to Day 2555, I will build a visual based on this blog. Heck, I could get started now. Day dreaming aside...actually this relates. I've come to realize that these day dreams are one of the key components of self-doubt. How? Let me explain.

I was searching for some perspective on 'doubt' in the wiki and found this blob of self forgiveness (here, and scroll down a little) related to "Desire of being Special." From there I drew a little map of how I might connect my spaciness design to self-doubt. To verbally walk you through it: My self-belief that I am special, leads me to think I will be able to obtain 'easy wins' in life, then reality hits, and I go into conflict and uncertainty. From there fear of failure grapples me to the ground.

This little cycle is nice and neat! I'm happy to have drawn it out. There is still room to expand if need be, but for now I have plenty to work with. Altogether now, out loud:
;)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get what I want more easily than others can because I am special or gifted in some way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to day dream about how I will achieve great feats.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my imagination so powerful that once I have an idea, all the hard work is irrelevant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how important hard work is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can just get others to do the hard work, once they are on board with my great/special vision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape hard work my whole life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that my thoughts are special and superior to others' thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing reality and diminishing the realness of imagined greatness in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can beat reality if I am smart enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others seem dumb, so I could preserve and strengthen the idea that I am smarter than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the imagination of my ability, instead of realizing the actual value of practical application.

  • In this I realize that by emotionally investing myself as the imagination version of myself that I've created the circumstances of uncertainty and self-doubt, for I am constantly reminded of the reality that is all around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fight and suppress reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually attempt to validate my own inner reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wrong about who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know who I am though imagining the best version of myself that I could, without considering who I am in the context of reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure because then my inner, imagined reality of myself would shatter, and I would be lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in how I think others perceive me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct the belief of who I am, based on how I think others perceive me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear failure.

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When and as I see myself thinking about how great I will be in an imagined future, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, one and equal with the physical reality. I commit myself to start connecting my thoughts to reality by considering the practical steps that are required to achieve my vision. By doing this, I will have a grounded decision framework, instead of acting on an emotional whim whenever a 'brilliant idea' strikes.

When and as I see myself as inherently superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize I am in for an uncomfortable, humiliating experience of myself within the domain of my ego. I commit myself to remember to breathe when in the company of others, and thus realize myself as and equal and one expression of life / chunk of physical.

When and as I see myself afraid to face reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have built an expectation, based on past memories. I commit myself to start looking more closely at the memories with which I construct expectations that I invest myself in, causing fear of it not happening how I imagined it / failure within a moment of reality.

Much still to go. Thanks for reading me.