Day 308 - Intending to Wake Up

Last night when I was intending to write about 'intention', I was feeling a bit tired and intended to rest for a moment. Indeed, I rested for just long enough to have to skip writing a post that night. This brings up several points, but I'm just focusing on a particular aspect of intention: lack of doing.

When I had intended to wake up in a bit, to direct myself responsibly, later, I relinquished the moment to an unspecified future. I gave up my moment. This in itself isn't terrible, but everything going on within it is a brand of habit forming self-compromise that is not cool. It was like I was deliberately lying to myself so I could temporarily escape my responsibility.

I could apply this issue of intention without doing in many areas of my daily living - which I intend to do...

Ok, by taking a look at this, I see that I haven't specifically planned out how or when I will address these "many [undefined] areas" where I am able to stand up and move myself vs. intending, thinking, delaying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place tasks within intention, not realizing that I'm actually avoiding them through a string of justification of delay. Regardless of whether or not I need to do it right away, I am giving up that moment to do nothing better. I am not making effective self-agreements.

So, to get working at full strength, I need to be clear, explicit, direct, specific with myself and my intentions. Especially the starting point! Why must I set an intention and not act now? What is the 'better' use of my time in this moment? Can I apply self-forgiveness on this point and create an internal stability from which to decide and prioritize the use of my time here?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to feel like it's so difficult to be clear, explicit, direct and specific with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this feeling and not be clear, stable and direct with myself when the feeling comes up.

Defining this feeling: not now ex. "I don't want to" / (sigh)"really, why do it" / (tilt head to side)"I don't have enough energy [to face myself] right now" / "I can't. I am unable (for some reason that isn't clear/stable)."

The feeling lacks self-agreement and the willingness to establish it because so doing would nullify the feeling. This mind design stuff is so intriguing. Who can crack the code? I can crack the code! haha

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be clear, direct, stable and specific with myself and my intentions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize intention to escape having to be responsible for myself in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the necessity of self-responsibility externally, as in feeling like I owe it to someone other than myself to be self-responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I want to be responsible for myself in every moment. This would entail just living within self-agreements. I am not trying to perpetuate this internal conflict of intention vs. action, no. I am here to practice and develop a stable and effective self-application. To be self-honest.

I could go on for days. I just had a mini stress temper tantrum while trying to think about how to direct my writing next, and what to write about tomorrow and when. I stopped and I breathed. I realize that I'm only as effective as I am in this moment - which is the primary motivation to stop reckless, paranoid intention. I get paranoid that something's not right or won't be right, and then I become lost in the future - like a slow chess player that thinks too many moves ahead because he's afraid of / intimidated by his opponent.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when I start to feel a need to set an intention. Future tasks that are not able to be immediately directed in some way, probably do not need my attention.

I commit myself to asking the questions: "Why?" and "What triggered my intention program?" When I find that a paranoia or some form of self-interest comes up in my answer, I commit myself to apply self-forgiveness in that moment...

Click. I understand another perspective of "living commitment" now. Instead of intending to apply self-forgiveness in some distant future when some uncertain point comes up, I make a living commitment, a lasting choice of how I will live a specific moment whenever it comes up. How does that expression go?...googling..."The devil's in the details."

Well then, I invite myself to face the devil, because letting the details slide by without attention is making my life a living hell. I can't trust myself if I am not going to be intimately specific with myself. I commit myself to assist and support myself in bringing my attention to the details and no longer skating through life just based on how I feel in that moment.

Thanks. Check out these other related JTL posts (that I read prior to writing today):