Day 390 - Responsible Self Creation

A fascinating point opened up for me this week. In short, I've been walking process in separation of it. What does this mean? I've defined this Journey to Life / Desteni I Process as a thing that sits on the shelf, and so when I was walking down the aisle and saw it, I threw it in my shopping cart. Desteni became for me just another 'thing' that I could have a relationship with and so define myself by it. When you investigate the process that Desteni outlines, you will find that it is impossible to passively consume the information and call yourself a Destonian. It is very much a participatory process.

Now, on one hand, I could say that seeing, realizing and understanding this point was also just part of the process, and that would be true; however, on the other hand, this point is essential to walk my process effectively. So let's just say that it is a critical stepping stone. Let me elaborate a bit more.

The corrective application for this point is what is so fascinating about it. It is as follows: Self is referenced first, then the external is referenced. I know, right? Awesome. Before, when I was walking process in separation of it, what I was doing missing Self in the equation of living. Don't get me wrong: I had an ego/self-concept that was constantly considered, judged, protected, etc. But Self, here, was in the background while my consciousness called all the shots. So, now I'm practicing including Self in the equation, and one specific experience of how I do so is best described as a shift forward within myself.

Example: Slouched over, at my desk, reading this blog post. I notice myself. I ask, "where am I [within my body]?" I sit up straight. I take a breath. And then it's like I, within myself, move closer to my eyes. My peripheral vision is slightly more in awareness as is my body. From here, I can consider my reality more expansively than a moment ago. And this is just the beginning of responsible self creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is hard to be here, aware of myself within physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire escaping into my mind to avoid my responsibilities and furthermore hide what I am doing from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an easy, automated way of transcending the mind, which is also accurately phrased as 'escaping the mind', wherein I now realize that this misconceptualization only feeds the mind and that I (Self) actually have to participate in process if this is going to get done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put forth the necessary effort to push through the resistances and fears that have long held me within my base set of personalities, and so perceptions, thus vastly limiting my potential to the point where it makes me sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the realization of who and how I have been living as, with an unease of self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within self-judgment, instead of moving forward in the realization that I now see the point, and I now commit myself to taking full responsibility for the point, and I commit to changing myself through living the corrective application.

When and as I see myself slumped over with my beingness shifted into the background, and/or I am reactive to my environment, not really considering everything INCLUDING SELF, I stop, I breathe. I realize I am here. I see where I am at within my daily responsibilities. I write. I create a game plan. I move myself.

This is my chance to responsibility create myself and reach my highest potential.

This is your chance too.

Just gotta walk the process ;)

Day 382 - Uncertainty Flavored Resistance

Yesterday, toward the end of my post here, I opened up an important point. I have known for some time that there is something significant about my relationship to uncertainty, but I'm now moving myself to push through the uncertainty around my relationship to uncertainty.

Let's start with what I do know:

• When faced with uncertainty, a resistance comes up at least partially because the emotion of possibility of failing is accentuated because I am unable to predict a likely outcome.
• Within this point, I am erroneously defining certainty as that which my mind determines to be probably (with confidence) true.
• The uncertainty of succeeding produces an inner experience of being immobilized.
• Why? Because I define myself by my successes and failures (ego/mind level)
• Taking into consideration that my mind can't predict the outcome, I realize that facing uncertainty is inherent within personal growth; implying that solely acting within the parameters of what we know prevents us from discovering anything new about ourselves.
• Why? Because our mind's predictions are based on past experiences....which means that the comfort of certainty promotes only the repetition of our past, limiting our perception of reality, and thus our initiative participation within reality.

Well that opened up nicely. I am even beginning to see how this design functions in a social platform and global platform. Today, I'm writing about just my personal level interaction with uncertainty. This is the first time I've used the phase initiative participation, and it works well to capture a key aspect in my experience of how uncertainty affects my decision making process. To take the initiative in any situation, there must be a clarity, a certainty, especially in relation to the end-goal. Key.

There is a bit of a Catch-22 going on here, but it's not an impossible one. One can be clear and certain of what one aims to achieve, without being clear or certain of the exact process required to achieve one's aim. There could be many ways, but none of those ways will be discovered if one passively waits for the clarity to arrive. There is an active search for the solutions that is needed, which is derived from the clarity of one's motivation. Having a clear 'why' creates the certainty needed to create the resolve to push through all resistance arising from uncertainty. Understanding our motivation is a Key to overcoming uncertainty.

But there's more than just understanding required. There is a relationship between Self and Self's Motivation that needs to be looked at. Then being able to push through uncertainty resistance is also an equation of drive. What drives us? Survival, Success, Pleasure, Pain, Fear. We have to become intimate with our driving forces. Okay, I'm going in a circle here. 'Understanding our motivations' is essentially the same as 'becoming intimate with our driving forces', so this is the point I needed to find. It's our relationship with our 'WHY' that allows us to grow.

Why buy what I'm saying? It's math. There is a certainty that arises from walking the processes. We take the initiative, we figure it out, we press forward. With uncertainty, it's just an emotional excuse we use to keep ourselves from exposing ourselves to potentially ego-shattering information. And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself to be my ego; and so, protect, defend and preserve this limited self-definition that is my ego. I commit myself 100% to ending all excuse-generating uncertainty, regardless of how the energetic resistance makes me feel. I stop. I breathe. I initiate my participation. Why?

Because I know my 'why'. I have the best interest of all in consideration, and I'm not going to continue to accept and allow an inner, reactive experience, intertwined with a limited, egotistical self-definition, stop me from investigating and navigating the uncertainty required to get to my certain goal.

What's your goal?

How clear is it?

Why are you passionate about this end?

Where is uncertainty holding you back?

Have you taken the initiative to determine the nature of your uncertainties?

I'll continue tomorrow with expounded self-forgiveness and corrective application statements before I open up 'uncertainty' even further. I hope you enjoyed the bacon.

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Day 338 - What am I waiting for?

Why would one not walk process, especially when one understands the value? How is it that I can remain in my patterns of irresponsibility? What am I missing.

"Investigate: What are you waiting for?" said Bernard.

I took that and ran with it. It's a great question to ask oneself. And so I explored my innards with this question a bit and a few things came up from different contexts. What I found tonight is:

- not feeling comfortable within my effectiveness when applying self-forgiveness.
- embarrassment, which is ego related and multidimensional.
- fear, which I know is a nonsense creation of mind, except for physical, real danger.


In blogs to come, I will expand myself more with this question because it's such a nice way to expose the living patterns of limitation that I've accepted as my beingness. Once the investigation is to a satisfactory level of clarity, I'm ready to forgive myself in a specific and comprehensive manner. I may not get it perfect on the first try, hence the process, but I'm realizing something rather important: If I don't move myself, myself doesn't move.

So that leaves 100% of the change responsibility in my hands. Meaning, I must first go from realization, to understanding the change process, to actually implementing the steps of change. Now, the mind, I've noticed, becomes transfixed on the imagined end point. It's like being blinded by completion without physical movement, which is where real change must happen. So, the first step is to get properly oriented to the physical process of change, realizing it's going to take time. A commitment is required to change self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a commitment because I have placed myself into a risky situation where I could fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself, and thus create a failure anxiety before I've even tried to change or live myself into a new direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just go for it, try, potentially fail, learn, and get up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commitment because I would take failure personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take anything personally, not realizing that I've been living in the limitation of ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am defined by one failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mind into the future and limit my actions based on how I see myself minimizing the risk of embarrassing situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of how I use embarrassment to limit my self-expression.

When and as I see myself thinking about how I might fail at something in the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that the future has not happened yet, and that a projection is merely a possibility. I commit myself to start leading my life by principle, to start testing my projections, and shatter my self imposed limitations on how to express myself as living being.

When and as I see myself fearing failure or embarrassment from an ego platform, I stop I breathe. I remember to look at the situation practically and by principle: Is my participation what will be best here? I commit myself to stopping my thought and taking in all the relevant information of my environment with one inhale, make a principle based decision of my participation, and moving / speaking accordingly.

When a resistance is so strong that I move according to it, my pre-programming from the days of ego-oriented self-interest, the days of protecting my self-image, of fearing for it and wanting to nurture it, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the old me, the mind-directed me. I commit myself to clearing this mental paranoia, for a moment and acting within the principle of what is best for all.

When this happens, I commit myself to write about the experience and investigate the resistance, discover the underlying pattern, the consequences that I've created through accepting and allowing this outdated program to direct me.

Once the writing investigation is complete, I commit myself to walk the process of self change.

Thank you.

Day 308 - Intending to Wake Up

Last night when I was intending to write about 'intention', I was feeling a bit tired and intended to rest for a moment. Indeed, I rested for just long enough to have to skip writing a post that night. This brings up several points, but I'm just focusing on a particular aspect of intention: lack of doing.

When I had intended to wake up in a bit, to direct myself responsibly, later, I relinquished the moment to an unspecified future. I gave up my moment. This in itself isn't terrible, but everything going on within it is a brand of habit forming self-compromise that is not cool. It was like I was deliberately lying to myself so I could temporarily escape my responsibility.

I could apply this issue of intention without doing in many areas of my daily living - which I intend to do...

Ok, by taking a look at this, I see that I haven't specifically planned out how or when I will address these "many [undefined] areas" where I am able to stand up and move myself vs. intending, thinking, delaying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place tasks within intention, not realizing that I'm actually avoiding them through a string of justification of delay. Regardless of whether or not I need to do it right away, I am giving up that moment to do nothing better. I am not making effective self-agreements.

So, to get working at full strength, I need to be clear, explicit, direct, specific with myself and my intentions. Especially the starting point! Why must I set an intention and not act now? What is the 'better' use of my time in this moment? Can I apply self-forgiveness on this point and create an internal stability from which to decide and prioritize the use of my time here?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to feel like it's so difficult to be clear, explicit, direct and specific with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this feeling and not be clear, stable and direct with myself when the feeling comes up.

Defining this feeling: not now ex. "I don't want to" / (sigh)"really, why do it" / (tilt head to side)"I don't have enough energy [to face myself] right now" / "I can't. I am unable (for some reason that isn't clear/stable)."

The feeling lacks self-agreement and the willingness to establish it because so doing would nullify the feeling. This mind design stuff is so intriguing. Who can crack the code? I can crack the code! haha

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be clear, direct, stable and specific with myself and my intentions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize intention to escape having to be responsible for myself in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the necessity of self-responsibility externally, as in feeling like I owe it to someone other than myself to be self-responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I want to be responsible for myself in every moment. This would entail just living within self-agreements. I am not trying to perpetuate this internal conflict of intention vs. action, no. I am here to practice and develop a stable and effective self-application. To be self-honest.

I could go on for days. I just had a mini stress temper tantrum while trying to think about how to direct my writing next, and what to write about tomorrow and when. I stopped and I breathed. I realize that I'm only as effective as I am in this moment - which is the primary motivation to stop reckless, paranoid intention. I get paranoid that something's not right or won't be right, and then I become lost in the future - like a slow chess player that thinks too many moves ahead because he's afraid of / intimidated by his opponent.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when I start to feel a need to set an intention. Future tasks that are not able to be immediately directed in some way, probably do not need my attention.

I commit myself to asking the questions: "Why?" and "What triggered my intention program?" When I find that a paranoia or some form of self-interest comes up in my answer, I commit myself to apply self-forgiveness in that moment...

Click. I understand another perspective of "living commitment" now. Instead of intending to apply self-forgiveness in some distant future when some uncertain point comes up, I make a living commitment, a lasting choice of how I will live a specific moment whenever it comes up. How does that expression go?...googling..."The devil's in the details."

Well then, I invite myself to face the devil, because letting the details slide by without attention is making my life a living hell. I can't trust myself if I am not going to be intimately specific with myself. I commit myself to assist and support myself in bringing my attention to the details and no longer skating through life just based on how I feel in that moment.

Thanks. Check out these other related JTL posts (that I read prior to writing today):

http://kaitleeprocess.blogspot.com/2013/05/intent-i-didnt-mean-to-day-44.html

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-400-paranoia-of-intent.html

Day 307 - Falling Back to Sleep

Today marked the second day of experimenting with my morning boot up process. The investigative intention that I held today was slightly less charged than it was yesterday (interesting to note).  Still, I was mindful and taking careful notice of what went on in my head. I half rolled over to quickly check my emails on my phone, but there was a pretty persuasive energy drawing my head back to my pillow. I allowed it, BUT under the condition that I would be paying even closer attention to how I move within its effect. I even cracked a smile as I submitted to the energy with intention, trying to justify the act as further investigation, though while also aware that by laying back down = exactly what the energy's purpose is.

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Realizing this kept me alert enough to not actually fall back to sleep. In under 5 minutes, I willed myself upright and I tried to clear that strong feeling of go back to bed / lay down with breathing. It wasn't as magical as I had hoped. I struggled a bit, but I was up and moving before I was completely cleared of the head fog.

I titled this post Falling Back to Sleep because my day was overall less productive than the day before. It reminded of one of those past days of sleeping in and waking up with no intention/direction. My first thought as I sat down to write today was, "why?" and I associated it to how I woke up and gave into the energy while trying to circumvent the consequence through an "upgraded" justification. I believed that waking up in that groove of mindfulness with submission, flowed out into the rest of my day. But, during this writing, I also realized that my physical to-do list was not filled out for the day. In contrast, yesterday I had filled up my to-do list with more than I was able to complete the night before.

That 'slightly less charged' intention energy that I had noted at the top, that must be related to my empty day. I didn't give myself any direction the night before. To test this, I will try planning my day the night before and compare it to how effective I am by applying an intention the night before to plan my day when I wake up. I already know that when I don't know my day plan for tomorrow, I can easily continue to "not know," and my whole day lags, similar to how today went. This will be a test of self-honesty within intention, planning, and follow through. Creating a heightened sense of continuity between days has been a goal of mine. Glad to be working the angles on this point.

So, I'm pretty sure that I've narrowed down a critical relationship that needs to be purified. Join me tomorrow for a brief wake-up report, and I'll dive into how I've related to the word 'intention'. Note: I have written down morning plans, starting with 7:30 yoga.

Intense-ion

In-tents-e-on

Intent-see-on

Points to investigate

• Setting intention
• what is the starting point / the why
• Following through on intention
• resistance > intention?
• intention < self-agreement?
• Who am I without intention
• directive / responsible vs. aimless / carefree / ?

Day 305 - My Earliest Written Blog Post Yet

For some context, check out Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

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This is the earliest blog that I've ever written. I my eyes opened at 7:57. I followed productively oriented thought back to sleep. Two minutes later, I awoke with an answer, though, it was not a spectacular arrival of insightful information. It was more like an intentionally hidden answer, so that I could excuse myself into sleepy, head-resting thought for just a little longer. (It had to do with listing something on eBay, needing a white backdrop and not knowing what I could use..."my bed sheets") The point is, I could have easily found a solution through a giving the question my full, alert attention.

I continued to ask myself questions that I can't recall exactly (even though it was 20 minutes ago). All the questions seemed to come from a genuine curiosity, while at the same time leading to a rewarding inaction. That's a new concept I haven't identified before. Basically, the indulgence of thought while morning tiredness is in full swing. I would ask the questions as a means to stay inert. The questions would also be aligned to genuine curiosity. This allowed me to justify my choice to continue resting / fall back asleep.

The actual process of awaking only happened as I started asking better questions, more in align with 'why am I still resting?' I looked at my laptop that I carefully placed within reach of my bed. This triggered my intention to wake up and write, so that I could get a better sense for why and how I delay my wake up process.

I still do not fully understand the effects that sleeping in has on my day, and I still am unfamiliar with what it feeling like to intentionally disparate the tiredness energy within a breath awareness. These two will be points will come next. Working with what I got so far:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I can find answers to my problems if I ask myself while falling back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can find better / "more real" answers by consulting my slumber self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the nature of how I operate in the mornings when I fall back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to remain physically inert in the morning wake up process, and allow my mind to take me away into an answer searching experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my self-directive responsibility within the morning tiredness energy, effectively starting my whole day off with a vague/subtle understanding that "I am just going to go with the flow today," suppressing the urgency to begin working on my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my thoughts for granted instead of realizing I have a choice to remember my breathing and direct myself here.

When and as I see myself resisting waking up, I stop I breathe. I realize I am the creator of my reality. Will I allow the energy of tiredness direct me in the morning, or will I live here, in absolute responsibility for myself in that moment of choosing how I want to experience myself. I commit myself to realizing my self-responsibility in the very initial moments of awareness when I awake.

When and as I see myself thinking about a question that I will try to answer as I fall back to sleep in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can answer my own questions without trying to dream up answers. I commit myself to actually breathe and give myself a moment to self-responsibly decide if I can wake up and answer my question-thought or if I actually would like to enter into dream world. If that's the case, I will write immediately upon waking up to solidify my dream findings, and attempt to validate if it was a worthy venture, comparing it to if I had just woken up and began writing first thing.

When and as I see myself feeling tired / lazy / unwilling to get up and start my day productively, I stop I breathe. I realize that by submitting to this feeling-energy, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to become in control as a directive principle in and of my life and to stop merely reacting to my mind as soon as I awake.

When and as I see myself taking my thoughts for granted, as in thinking and not thinking twice about it, I stop I breathe. I realize that these thoughts are reactions to and activations of other thoughts. I commit myself to stop, breathe, and regain control of my ability to decide who I am in a moment. If I fall and do not make the responsible, best for all choice: investigate all the dynamics that lead to that decision.

Ok Dan, enjoy the day. I'll report tomorrow about how my day differs having done my blog post earlier in the day. Thanks for reading me.

Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

This is going to be a free flow writing to bring in more perspective on this wall of resistance. I have begun to solidify my realization that I do not require to let the feeling and emotions control me (Day 253 - Post Breaking Point). Even as I sit and write this entry several hours earlier than usual, the experience of distraction tendency/energy is all over the place.

I sit to write and BAM, I hit the resistance wall. Now, through all of my writing, as I described on Day 253, I am becoming able to direct myself instead of simply reacting. In most, if not all, of my prior experiences of hitting this wall, I would let the wall knock me on my ass.

I would suppress the fact that I need to get through the wall. I would distract myself with an array of alternative activities from media to food, even exercise. I try to ignore the wall, divert my attention, and ideally, still remain productive, taking on other mini-walls or whatever.

The only time I would put in the effort to overcome the wall was if I justified it with a need to do so. Usually this was time. "If I don't do it now, I'm screwed." And this life methodology was way more consequential than I ever realized. I created survival situations to motivate myself. Compounding laziness.

As I wrote about yesterday, all I cared about was moving fast. Instead of realizing who I am in relation to the wall and to breaking through the wall, I suppressed that and started running along the wall, hurdling the easy stuff (secondary tasks) until I was forced to face the wall.

Solution:  Examine my relationship to the wall.

For example:
What do I believe the wall is made of? A powerful energy
Who will I be on the other side? Unburdened 
Who am I by remaining within the current relationship with the wall? Weak
What does that say about me? Submitting to a force
Is the wall really more powerful than I? No, because I am able.
Did I create the wall somewhere along the way? Yes, because it's an internal relationship
What will it take to get through it? Perseverance
What will it take to completely remove the wall? ...

The wall is a residual energy of resistance. When I am forced to overcome the wall via some external force, the wall has won. The purpose of the wall is to delay me. So every subsequent wall of resistance is the same wall, the same internal relationship with procrastination. The only way to permanently remove the wall is by releasing my definition of it, as that which holds it in place and substantiates it.

This is interesting. It's time to get walking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the wall is a greater force, and not realize myself as the creator of the wall, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the wall, not realizing what this suppression means as a completion of the cycle and purpose of the wall (aka. the wall wins)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak/unable in relation to the wall and the resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather suppress who I am in relation to the wall than to stand and disintegrate the wall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can disintegrate the wall by removing the self-defined relationships that substantiate it.

When and as I see myself facing the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize what this wall is. It is a residual energetic programming that I created over time so that I could remain in a positive (easy) experience of myself. I commit myself to exposing the underlying dynamics of my relationship to this wall of resistance.

When and as I see myself within a feeling of "not wanting to do this right now," while scanning for distractions, I stop I breathe. I realize this moment is the breaking point. I commit myself to showing the wall what I'm made of. I am physical substance. The energy cannot and will not direct me without my acceptance and allowance. In this process, I become aware of how energy typically moves me, I forgive myself for allowing it to, and I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality.

When I say I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality, I mean I am not longer going to just allow my wall to stand as a more powerful energy. I am the wall. I am the consequences of the wall. Will I continue to accept myself as this, or will I assert myself as equal and one with the physical reality that is here as me?

When and as I see myself trying to suppress the wall and divert my attention to other 'worthy' tasks/activities, I stop I breathe. I realize that the wall isn't going to go away if I keep feeding into it like this. I commit myself to breathe and move, as I did today when sitting down to write my blog before the time pressure forced me to do so. As I breathe and move, I am realigning myself as the authority of the physical to build an existence that is best for all.

When and as I see myself sitting down next to the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not moving to get through the wall because the wall of energy manifested an excuse or justification within me to not try. I commit myself to patiently removing the wall brick by brick, pattern by pattern, until it is done.

photo credit

Related articles

• Day 228 - Becoming Consistent with Focus
• Day 241 - The Path of Least Resistance
• Day 249 - Getting Grounded in the Physical
• Day 250 - Dangerous Desire
• Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road

Day 214 - Self-movement: Continued Expansion

Every little movement taken into consideration. It was quite obvious when this wasn't happening, like some half zoned-out state where much less detail is taken and and I am simultaneously experiencing an energy/thought. As I sit down to write this post, I am really worn/tired from the long day on the hill. I find it interesting that this energy  fluctuation is how I've validating the resistance. I actually experience this strong desire to not have to write and face myself at this moment. I am tired, but I really just don't want to take the time and effort (interestingly enough) to push out another post. "Daily!? Seriously? This is what I committed to??" :)

What is interesting about the time & effort dynamic relationship toward this self-writing? Precisely that. That it is a dynamic relationship and requires a certain level of energy to get through it...which now leads me to believe that my energy infused writing is not of comprehensive detail.. fascinating connection. I'll explain.

While I was snowboarding, I had become much more aware of my movement and even my breathing, having  given myself the context from yesterday's post.What I noticed was how the quick movement through the bumps of snow and how I had to adjust my weight and move to adapt, it was a lot of fun. So in a similar regard to how I find parkour to be fun, it wasn't something that I could done while zoned out, off in my head space somewhere. Except there were times when my mind took a larger dominion than my physical, space-time awareness.

This happened when there was a straightaway, and when going off a rather large jump. With the straightaway, I caught me in my mind when I put my hands up like I was flying. I questioned the movement and realized it as a display for others, noting the moment as a departure from the physical. I scan/see that minimal adaptive effort is required and then I could release from the physical awareness effort and just bomb that section of the hill. With the large jump: fear.

Fear stepped in as doubt, uncertainty, hesitation. It was a relatively unfamiliar experience of flight. The take off is this experience of increasing extra gravity, and then before I know it, I'm wrestling for balance in mid air. Thankfully, I only fell hard once, and my butt absorbed most of the shock.

So there are a lot of cool parallel insights here: When and why I leave physical awareness (i.e. I think I know it enough detail to be able to check out/automate my physical). How it is that I stay within energy (i.e. internal resistance struggle).

Ok, I'll continue tomorrow...after this one:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride within energy fluctuation to get things done, not realizing that the flip-side is an experience of not having enough energy to get things done. When and as I see myself procrastinating within a starting point of internal resistance from not having enough energy to to something. I stop I breathe. I realize this is a consequence of my habitual participation within using positive energy experience to become motivated. I commit myself realizing what the resistance energy is composed of/from.

See you tomorrow.

photo credit

Day 207 - Planning vs Energetic Motivation

My day was messed up today when I woke up later than planned. The order of events was screwed up and I allowed this to snowball for most of the day. Lots of patterns came up. Cool that I'm seeing them more clearly as I write about them, but I haven't been thorough enough to be effective. What is it to be effective within this Journey to Life? It is releasing the predictive programming with self-forgiveness AND writing a new law of self with a real commitment statement. Why have I not been effective with some of the patterns, like procrastination? I haven't finished. I haven't yet found each component to be able to specifically address them.

I can't beat myself up for not being effective. Obviously there is still work to do, so the real question is, do I react with my typical discouragement pattern when faced with "failure," or do I stop the reaction and direct the common sense response? Go into mind or be self-honest? Fall into the predictable self-destructive pattern or realize myself, here, able to act in any way choose? The cool part: indecision no longer exists from a self-honesty standpoint. Best for all is a no brainer.

Today, I realized that my writing on planning at the beginning of the year was not substantial. I have not become an excellent planner. I have not made a stable change of self, meaning I did not actually change. I rode an energized ideal for motivation to be a better planner. Probably like many others' new year's resolutions, the commitment fades until the next Jan. 1st. I begun to understand why new year's resolution do not work in this post, but I need to follow through with this.

I am realizing more and more what energetic motivation is because it isn't stable, it doesn't last, it's idealized, generalized and inconsistent. It's not in alignment with reality, it's a mental augmentation of what I would like reality to be. There is a separation through desiring a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that self-change is easy accomplished by one general investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself when I fail to remove a program on my first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my disappointment with discouragement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that process would be a simple plug and play program to erase all programs, not considering that I'd actually have to start living my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply revert to old habits without investigating why or why I allowed the regression.
--
When and as I see that I am unstable within my Journey to Life because I am not giving myself the time to be serious with myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me. I walk process for me 1st, then I can support others in their self process of/for themselves. I commit myself to taking the necessary steps to start walking this process for me alone. No more energetic BSing. Here, stable, real.

When and as I see myself being ineffective within moving a single point through process, I stop, I breathe, and I realize there is work to be done. I realize that going into the disappointment -> discouragement program, I am neglecting my responsibility of my self-living, here. I commit myself to focus on my breath, and write out the energy experience for specifically moving through process.

There is a growing understanding that Desteni I Process is not an automatic cure for all my problems, as I had initially hoped for it to be. Rather, it is actually serious life training in becoming a responsible human being. There is nothing automatic about reversing what we have automated within and of ourselves. I have to be here with every step. And I commit myself to doing whatever it takes to ending the internal resistance to living within every moment, within every breath.

Day 203 - Shameful work

Haha. "Ahhh, what shame I have for this work I have done!"

This is the polarity of taking pride in my work. So, it is to understand that I'm not trying to stop doing work worth of pride. I am stopping my pride reaction toward my work because if I keep priding myself in certain instances of work, I will continue producing work where I react shamefully toward.

This is polarity. Same system of mind. One is positive, one is negative. No separation. One system.

Consequence of taking pride = feeling shame. One balanced system. Why does it have to balance out? asked the skeptic. I do not fully understand why but it relates to oneness and equality, where one system has to be balanced equally because the separation is the illusion. So the feeling of pride is the illusion that when participated within, is exactly the same as the consequence of shame. Both are participatory/feeling illusions, created by ourselves.

And so this is what process is all about: stop the illusion and stabilize with reality. This way, I am not creating polarity consequence that is an unnecessary illusion experience that must result from attempting to maintain the positive experience of the system design. And I go:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of participating in positive experiential reactions as the equal and opposite must manifest. The design of infinity: a sideways 8, as representative of each system. Stop in the middle and stop looping back and forth between the poles of experience that were never really real to begin with. We create them, they are real for us in terms of feeling them. They are bullshit when compared to reality. Maybe emotions are thought to be akin to drugs. Get high and come down. Wanna stay high, but can't. Guaranteed shitty come down. Had we never taken the drugs, that point would be stable from the get go. But since we do feel our programmed emotional responses, it takes a process to stop. I would consider Desteni to much like an emotional rehabilitation for the human conditioned minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself so that I may fulfill my underlying "feeling-need" to produce shameful work. This is what I had done tonight. I gave myself 45 minutes to write this post. And now I am here writing for the clock again, instead of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again use time as motivation, in that compromising my ability to really write for me and my own process. Writing for me alone, would be me writing me without this BS illusion that I MUST pump out one post a day, and that I DREAD having to do this HARD WORK that I have attributed to the process of self-investigation. More importantly, here, I must look at the relationship I have created within delaying hard work.

Points for further investigation:

• The relationship to habitual resistance toward work
• why unpleasant?
• ha, it's like coming down off an emotional high
• desteni i process = hard work
• experience of difficult is a mental augmentation again (though DIP certainly requires work)
• examine relationship to difficult
• 1st thought = difficult yoga pose -> "breathe through it"
• breath through resistance

When and as I see myself compromising myself because I feel a "feeling-need" that I must live out the consequences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must stop cycling through the infinite structural design of made-up feeling-experience. I commit myself to giving myself the permission to stop and breathe and chose self-direction. I commit myself to stopping the feeling experience that is off being to tired/unable to move myself.

Breathe. Move.

Breathe.

Day 196 - Sending Love and Light

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within energy to try to send messages to somebody in some sort of mystical way.

flickr

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize energy with an attempt to get others to like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put effort into raising my energy within a spiritual context to be great and desirable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize my starting point of this desire which is basically fear of rejection, insecurity, and being less in general.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire another person, and within that I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to attempt to manipulate them via sending love and light toward them in a secret hope that they will then like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by meditating, chanting or working with energy in any way can be beneficial for others that are not in directly in my physical environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can expand my aura and become of a higher and higher energy so that I will be more influential and ultimately more happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am benevolent within my use of energy because I only want positivity, and not realize that I was only considering what is positive for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into thoughts of desire and within them attempt to manipulate others to like me by fulfilling their desire to be liked too.
- Interesting. Within this I realize that I have been attracting..and have been attracted to..those with the same design/frame of mind in wanting/desiring another within the same starting point of insecurity of self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give me the opportunity to stabilize within myself, as who I am, through rushing from fear into desire, and then acting within that energy even in the subtlest ways, such as sending mentally created "love and light" to the girl next to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see this instruction "send love an light to the person next to you," as an excuse to try and fulfill my selfish desire to be with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have backchat about winning the affection of others and not investigating the source of this internal conversation.
--
When and as I see myself practicing yoga and slipping into desire thoughts for the beautiful women in the room, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am portraying that I am "showing up for me" to the point that even I start believing myself as a suppression of my desire for sex, ultimately. I commit myself to examining where and when I am not here for me when I go to practice yoga.

When and as I see myself utilizing energetic opportunities to attempt to court the mind of a female, I stop I breathe. I realize that energetic fishing will lead to an energetic relationship. I commit myself to flirting in the physical only.

When and as I see myself sending love and light to others for any reason, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have been foolishly just going with what the instructor says even though I dislike/disapprove/judge the spiritual side of yoga. I commit myself to further investigating my relationship within all dimensions of yoga.

When and as I see myself utilizing energy for a beneficial / positive means, I stop I breathe. I realize how polarity works enough to know that + must balance with - in the realm of energy. I commit myself to stop supporting the energy dominion over life.

When and as I see myself justifying the use of energy with selfish backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am in a bind with fear here, and that I must face every source point related to the internal dialogue. I commit myself to push through fear, stand within it, walk into it, feel it, accept it, so that I may forgive myself for what I have allowed myself to exist as with it.

I'm not done with you yet yoga..

Day 164 - Time Stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress out.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to uphold a stable, constant perspective of work ethic, and allowing myself to kill time until the 'last minute,' relying on the energy of imminence/necessity to motivate me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is to difficult to motivate myself when there is no time pressure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by the energy of mind when as task has a particular importance, based on time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place time before self, wherein I disregard who I am within any given task while focusing and amplifying time as the most significant factor in relation to completing work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize the energy pattern of 'stress' as a motivator, not realizing how I'm compromising myself within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with and in stress to get work done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this reliance on stress to be productive has consequences. These consequences are the polar opposite of productive, wherein stress leads to the coping mechanism of avoidance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize the movement from stress to overwhelmed to avoidance, and for not allowing myself to realize who I am in a moment of breath when and as I participate in this design.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stressed. I no longer support this energy. I no longer allow its dominion of my physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect stress to biting my nails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop coping mechanisms for the energy of stress instead of simply returning to my breath and directing self, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe stress is good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe stress is bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within stress.

--

When and as I see myself becoming stressed out, I stop I breathe. I realize that this energy is not an effective form of support. I commit myself to supporting myself within completing work tasks by developing my discipline to breathe and be a stable, directive force that is of life, here, breathing.

When and as I see myself postponing work so that I may have an easier time completing it from the starting point of energetic necessity/imminence, I stop I breathe. I realize that my participation within 'delay' has been extensive throughout my life thus far, and that this habit will take some time to deconstruct and rewrite. I commit myself to recognizing this delay pattern and consistently getting back up after a fall within a breath. I realize that repeatedly practicing self-direction is the only way to live within/as it. I commit myself to not getting discouraged. *food for tomorrow

When and as I see myself inside of an energy movement related to a work deadline, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can more effectively accomplish my work when I'm not taking a gamble with going into stress, as I have found that stress energy has two polar opposite outflows: productive and avoidance. I commit myself to stopping this energy, period

When and as I see myself biting my nails from within a stressed out energy pattern, I stop I breathe. I realize this indicator. I flagpoint the act stressed out nail biting.  I commit myself to utilizing this flagpoint for realizing my self-state & snapping out of the energy within a remembrance of my breathing.

When and as I see myself in delay, avoidance, procrastination, postponement, I stop, breathe and give myself a moment of self-assessment. I realize this energetic design may be an outflow from coping with stress. I commit myself to write out the point of participation, clarify what's going on inside of myself, and conduct specific self-forgiveness so that I may speak and live the correction as the new law of self, born from a stable breath, here, in self-honesty.

I commit myself to patiently discovering every point of my beingness that is not aligned with what is best for all life. I commit myself to self-correction. I commit myself to supporting others within the points that I have figured out within myself first. Thank you.

blog pic from here

Related articles

• Day 160 - Basis of Self-Leadership for 2013 and Beyond!
• Day 163 - Time Dimension: Nail Biting

Day 150 - Responsibility of the Future

As 2012 December 21st comes to pass, I am in the middle of determining my future. So, this post is not going to emphasize today's date as more significant than I make it. I realize that I am the creator of my conscious orientation to events like today, or really any over-spiritualized point. In fact, no special happening of 2012 will produce real change for us. I accept the responsibility for my future. Who I am then, is born today. And it's this realization that's going to carry me into the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay the creation of my future within fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow my mind to direct my use of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am one with my future, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to break continuity of time by participating within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my self to be great or special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing my destiny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself as the creator of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to passively live life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be untrue to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from reality through pleasure seeking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a proactive solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself within each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct myself within each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be still/inert as I sit back and allow energy to direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the "easy life."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse money to stay high and separate from reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how much responsibility I can take on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having too much responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate fear with power and responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fears.

When and as I see myself wasting time, I stop I breathe. I realize I am in an energy flow.

I commit myself to re-aligning my actions with common sense and what's best for all.

When and as I see myself getting overwhelmed by my future, I stop I breathe.

I realize that this is not an effective, practical decision to direct myself within what's best for all.

I commit myself to participating in energy with awareness and agreement only.

When and as I realize that I am in an energy flow without my agreement, I stop I breathe.

I realize that here is a pattern/habit that I've programmed within me directly or by reaction-allowance.

I commit myself to deconstruct these patterns through writing and self-forgiveness so that I my birth a new rule of self within corrective living statements.

When and as I see myself afraid of the future, I stop  I breathe. I realize that I create this fear.

I commit myself to pushing through resistance and facing each source point of fear within me.

When and as I see myself missing the point of oneness and equality through abdicating my responsibility to producing real change for myself and others as me, I stop and take a breath. I realize I am you.

I commit myself to walking with you as an equal in supporting ALL toward the best possible outcome.

Thank you all.

Let's get together and produce real best for all outcomes. The world didn't end, so why not begin to make it an awesome place to be born for all life here?

Join us on the forums at desteni.org

Contribute to the global solution with your two cents at equalmoney.org

My Future is Your Future is Our Future. Become a global citizen.

Everyone's doing it!

Until peace for all, it's time to do work.

Day 143 - Behavior Perpetuating Behavior

I'm noticing a general energetic pattern. The primary behavior I'm looking at is delay, where I allow delay to move me into more delay. It propagates, begets, brings about more of the same behavior. This running streak is obviously of a mental energy cycle because it doesn't consider everything. It narrows and refines the behavior, but nowhere is there awareness of breath, and common sense can be hidden from self.

I'm also writing this pattern with the energy of biting my nails in mind. Today, I did another number on my nails, which is intertwined with delay because the starting point is often within a thought not relevant to the task at hand...ha, and because the nail biting process occupies my hands, it often directly takes me away from any physical work process like typing. There's some kind of residual, perpetuating qualities of nail biting especially, and I've yet been able to decode it and so have since shied away from writing about it in fear of failure.

Delay has also been scary to tackle because there is this momentum or inertia quality to the behavior in the short term and long term perspective. So, you could say I've defined myself as a procrastinator over the years, and what I want to address thoroughly today is how a single moment of delay can fester and turn into all day delay. The first reason that comes to mind is the allowance. Once, I allow myself to give into the energy as my directive, it's very hard to pull out because "why would I? I already gave into it." Solid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive control to the energy of delay and perpetuate the behavior with the thought "I've already done it, might has well do it more."

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I've been allowing the continuance of energy infused behaviors because it's easier to stay consistent with my choices / past behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself when the energy cycle ends and I've realized what I've been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the anger is part of the system, where as I allow the outflow of anger in relation to what I've accepted and allowed, I charge my attachment to the habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been simply choosing the consistent behavior, utilizing it as my stability in not having to face the scary unknowns of directing myself without residual, behavioral energy.

When and as I see myself within the comforts of allowing energy to continually direct me within the same behavior, be it delay, nail biting, or whatever self-compromising behavior it may be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not the directive force when life is easy and I'm not supporting what's best for all. I commit myself to push myself through any and all resistance I have in facing myself within self-honesty. I commit myself to finding each and every point where I have simply allowed a self-compromising behavior to ensue because it is consistent with past behavior (immediate or long term).

I commit myself to stopping the perpetual behavior cycles from within them, not judging myself and missing the point of responsibility to self to stand up from within the behavior cycle and direct self into a more supportive use of time.

I commit myself to showing others that I can produce real change within me through writing about my systems, releasing them, and standing true to self within these commitment statements.

Related articles

• Day 140 - Delay Point Expounded
• Day 142 - '"I got time to delay"

photo from