Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?

Continuing from yesterday: Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

I've been writing a bit about this on the side, and I realize that there is a lot that goes into this force that the wall represents. Even inherently in the example, there is separation between myself and the wall.

Today's post is primarily about where I've found the illusion of separation playing out within my mind, as me in relation to overcoming a challenge, breaking through the wall, the resistance. For the longest time, I've been operating with the thought that I am special..and what are the consequences of that?

• I require to uphold a positive reputation in alignment with that
• I need other's to reflect that I am special
• When that doesn't happen, I am living & breathing my fear of failure/inferiority

Art by Kelly Posey

This thought is a killer. It kills my life, haha. It's not cool, and I commit myself to decomposing this system design. I realize that this will not happen fast. I realize that if this one particular system is allowed to exist within me, I will realize the consequence as a first hand experience of failure, failure to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think so highly of myself that if I were to fail, I would be ashamed and embarrassed, not able to recover, loss of self-definitions as "smart/cool/superior/able."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've separated myself within and as my ego, an imagined self that is shiny and perfect. This here is an essentially key. I hold myself as something superior within me. I've created this personality of striving to be that because I FEAR THAT I AM NOT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be great, wonderful, spectacular; not realizing that for this desire to exist, I embody the lack of these qualities. This system feeds into all of my interpersonal relationships where I am attracted to those that poses those qualities, so that I may learn them myself. In this, I now realize that by doing so, I am placing myself as inferior.

This is interesting. So, I could go my whole life climbing this ladder of power/coolness, all with the starting point of fearing what's inside me - this fear that I am less, I am inadequate. And heck, I could probably do a good job, I've been pretty successful with the personalities I've created for myself. It's like a suit for social situations. Only sometimes I hear myself thinking that "I can't do it" that I'm unable or not worthy. I have a little theory that the most successful people in the world are the most dishonest with themselves. That was my destiny. That was my version of success. That is how I learned to play the game of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life into a game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to move fast through process because I am special and able and I want to prove that to everyone, not realizing how I am compromising myself by separating myself from physical reality through/within my idealized ego representation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego. And in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my inner self-image through facing the reality of myself which is often in alignment with the contrary. I live in fear. I am motivated by fear to show myself that I am not what I fear.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to live out a scenario that is in opposition to that fear so that I can prove to myself that I am not this fear, I stop...I breathe. I realize that this inner struggle to trump my fear by acting in opposition to it, is the wall living it's purpose. My barriers are born of this internal battle. This friction is the composition of the wall in may cases.

I commit myself to stop making life a game where I require to overcome fear of failure by force and through dependency of my self-definition being my ego - the externalized self, based on how I perceive others to perceive me.

When I stop trying to uphold a tailored self-image of success, I give myself the space to work with the fear, forgive the fear, let it go, and create a self that is a living expression of success within and without, one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my inner reality of fear of failure/inadequacy is my reality and thus brought to life. As within - so without.

I commit myself to, at the end of the day, begin a process of taking a look at who I have been within myself during the events of the day. This reflection will serve to bring awareness to where I still allow my personalities to take the wheel because of a fear that I am still attached to.

And I let the writing flow. Self-honesty in every breath, here I come.

Day 198 - Embarrassed to Breathe?

Sounds silly, and yet I have identified this in me in small ways. Sometimes as backchat, sometimes as internal judgment of myself as some twisted excuse to remain in the mind. I remember this thought came up when I first started exploring Desteni: "...but other people will hear me breathing differently than normal." Haha. And I even have some fringe memory of worrying about my breathing pattern when I was conscious of it back in my younger years. Ooo, this is interesting.

When I was conscious of my breath, I would fear judgement as well as judge it myself: The way it sounds. "Is it normal?" "Will other notice me?" Fear of not fitting in. Fear of standing out.

Oh snap! This is crazy. I've defined myself throughout my years in school from the starting point of wanting to fit in and not stand out. From the moment of my breath, these were the first and foremost fears that came to mind, and through accepting and allowing that fear to direct me, I created some of my primary personalities throughout my social interactions over the past 15+ years. These still exist today.

Well, I've discovered some interesting realizations by examining my relationship toward my breath throughout time. This all started when I was in yoga noticing how loud my ujjayi breath was because my nose is a bit stuffed up. I decided that I should open up my fear of judgement in relation to my breathing, and I'm glad I did. I'll certainly be investigating these key-player characters as I move forward within my breathing purification process. For now I breathe and bring my focus back to this one point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by the way that I breathe.

As breathing is my expression of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to what others think of me, and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing what I think is my accepted version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear loosing positive or potentially positive judgement by simply breathing and being myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change because I have defined myself externally by placing primary importance on projected self-judgement. Within this, I also forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize the starting point of self-judgement and projected self-judgement as fear of non acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear simply expressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to fit in and be/breathe a certain way to fit in or be liked by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that who I am as my breath is not normal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I could be rejected for breathing and being myself here.
--
When and as I see myself departing from my breath into a thought in relation to being accepted as my breathing expression, I stop and I again breathe. I realize that the doubt that others care about my breath is silly, and even more importantly, the fear that they might care must be disintegrated. I commit myself to disintegrating my fear of self-honest expression as who I am simply breathing.

When and as I see myself feeling embarrassment, I stop I breathe. I realize that behind embarrassment is a fear of loss construct that is based on defining myself in separation of myself. I commit myself to using embarrassment as a flag point tool to investigate where I have separated my self-definition from myself here.

When ans as I see myself in fear or worry about how others will perceive my breathing, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are rudimentary fears that have been compounded and deeply integrated into my being over years of participation. I commit myself to investigating the characters of myself that I have exposed today.

When and as I see myself trying to fit into a particular group with a certain set of accepted behaviors, I stop I breathe. I realize the question of whether or not it is appropriate to be considering how I am coming off to others. I commit myself to stopping the unreasonable moments of fear separation, and within this to allow myself to act according to what will effectively produce a best for all scenario outflow.

Thanks for reading.

Day 150 - Responsibility of the Future

As 2012 December 21st comes to pass, I am in the middle of determining my future. So, this post is not going to emphasize today's date as more significant than I make it. I realize that I am the creator of my conscious orientation to events like today, or really any over-spiritualized point. In fact, no special happening of 2012 will produce real change for us. I accept the responsibility for my future. Who I am then, is born today. And it's this realization that's going to carry me into the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay the creation of my future within fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow my mind to direct my use of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am one with my future, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to break continuity of time by participating within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my self to be great or special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing my destiny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself as the creator of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to passively live life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be untrue to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from reality through pleasure seeking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a proactive solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself within each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct myself within each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be still/inert as I sit back and allow energy to direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the "easy life."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse money to stay high and separate from reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how much responsibility I can take on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having too much responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate fear with power and responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fears.

When and as I see myself wasting time, I stop I breathe. I realize I am in an energy flow.

I commit myself to re-aligning my actions with common sense and what's best for all.

When and as I see myself getting overwhelmed by my future, I stop I breathe.

I realize that this is not an effective, practical decision to direct myself within what's best for all.

I commit myself to participating in energy with awareness and agreement only.

When and as I realize that I am in an energy flow without my agreement, I stop I breathe.

I realize that here is a pattern/habit that I've programmed within me directly or by reaction-allowance.

I commit myself to deconstruct these patterns through writing and self-forgiveness so that I my birth a new rule of self within corrective living statements.

When and as I see myself afraid of the future, I stop  I breathe. I realize that I create this fear.

I commit myself to pushing through resistance and facing each source point of fear within me.

When and as I see myself missing the point of oneness and equality through abdicating my responsibility to producing real change for myself and others as me, I stop and take a breath. I realize I am you.

I commit myself to walking with you as an equal in supporting ALL toward the best possible outcome.

Thank you all.

Let's get together and produce real best for all outcomes. The world didn't end, so why not begin to make it an awesome place to be born for all life here?

Join us on the forums at desteni.org

Contribute to the global solution with your two cents at equalmoney.org

My Future is Your Future is Our Future. Become a global citizen.

Everyone's doing it!

Until peace for all, it's time to do work.

Day 137 - Fear: Not cool enough to get the girl

Related to:
Day 136 - Self-Interested Assistance
Day 25 - The social appeaser

I have a memory of mentally constructing this perspective: I have to be cool/funny to be liked and get the girl that I like. It happened in elementary school while I observed the general social gravitation towards the "cool" kids. Why were they cool? I think it was about the easy goingness, kind of a relaxed funny. And then of course once the group of cool friends were support each others' coolness, it was done. It was valid that they were cool. The "in crowd" was like a machine that supported itself, where the 'kinda cool' kids wanted to be accepted, so they respected the cooler kids. At the top you had 2-4 kids (in the classroom) that were friends and accepted the "kinda cool kids" friendship as they supported their position at the top. It made sense that girls would also gravitate toward the coolest boys because they benefit their egos by associating with the coolest of boys and through the validation from the other girls for doing so, maybe in the form of jealousy or praise. Girls, especially the pretty ones, had social pressure/expectation from other girls to obtain relationships with the cooler boys. Of course this is just a simple one-dimensional insight that I drew when I was pretty young, and it lead to the defining decision to become as cool as I can be, so I can have a better choice/selection of women that would be interested in me.

The design: have more, cooler male friends to increase power/status for the primary purpose of attracting the more attractive women. And I suppose it makes sense also that women become as attractive as they can be to attract the most powerful/successful and good looking men. This program lasted throughout school and college, and now I'm going to pick it apart and forgive it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how I will express myself in this world based on how I can increase my cool factor - as looks/hairstyle, types of friends I associate with, ability to make others laugh and feel comfortable - where I have, through this, chosen to limit my expression to only what others will likely like, causing me to be uncomfortable within fear/doubt of nonacceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will not accept me, not realizing this fear if based in the polarity of my desire to be at the top of the social latter.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to be at the top of the social latter because of the insecurity I allowed myself to exist as in the form of a reoccurring thought that I will not be liked by the girls that I like.

Haha, there is a lot opening up here. This point is more heavily participated in than I initially realized. In all of my relationships to women, the focus was on getting to be with them....oh crap. I defined and lived as a character/personality that once satisfied with the energy as attention from women, the system would calm down and I would be looking onwards to the next challenge of acceptance. Almost like a fear addiction  I realize that I am afraid of not being able to continually overcome that fear of rejection...

Ohhhhh K! This is a problem. I've always just seen it as simply liking the initial part of relationships, you know, with the butterflies and uncertainty. There are so many dimensions to this character that I can't keep my head from spinning right now.

Breathe.

I was listening to this series of interviews by this being, Lily, and right now, I can see that I am needing to stick to just one point, as much as my mind wants to take me everywhere, and walk it through to completion. I definitely recommend this product for getting an understanding the process of writing the mind out with self-forgiveness. Check it out at EQAFE: Self Awareness Steps for the Elite pt.1. Your purchase will be highly self-supportive, as well as supportive to me and all life equally.

Bringing it back:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire personality design, wherein I never gave myself a chance to simply be myself because I allowed myself to fear that I wasn't cool enough to be with the girl/s that I liked. I can see a circle here: I want the girl to validate that I am cool enough to be with the girl...so when I get the girl, I am validated, and ready to move on as I climb higher towards the elusive/imagined top of the social latter as defined by ultimate acceptance/power/influence and of course the most beautiful/perfect woman in the world.

HA.ha.

I'll be continuing with this point in depth over time now that I see it. For now, I'll continue with some corrective applications..

When and as I see myself desiring to be with a woman for the sake of validating my ability to get her, I stop I breathe. I realize that this character is supporting a limited, self-serving time-loop where I do not consider, at all, how I can make the world at large a better place.

I commit myself to self-respect, so that I no longer come from a place that needs to be validated by a women. Within this, I realize that without self-respect, I am not respecting the woman as an equal citizen of the earth, and rather just a means to charge my mental system: validation-insecurity

When and as I see myself in self-doubt, I stop I breathe. I realize now that this is a creation of my mind within and as a fear orientation toward self. I commit myself to further investigation of how and why I have chosen to live through this character that needs validation from the starting point of fear...fear of loss...fear of losing the girl of my dreams.

I commit myself to stopping this character within and as me.

I commit myself to stopping this character that seeks to be cooler for the end purpose of obtaining the most beautiful woman that I can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to settle for a girl that I don't really like. Ha. This is a key driving force. I commit myself to breathing and walking out of my sick mind so that I may contribute as a one and equal participant in supporting global oneness and equality.

Thanks for reading. I know it was a long one...and it's not over yet. If this post resonated with you and you're not already destonian: Join us in walking self-honesty, if you dare to expose the characters you are responsible for creating (publicly is optional; just exposing self to self is quite a journey).

From Heaven's Journey to Life - Day 232

Day 25 - The social appeaser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my own intentions, concerns and desires when in the presence of others that I want to like me because I am overly concerned with their judgments of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and surmise others' thoughts/judgments toward me by using my self judgment as a guessing framework and also from various points of information collected about the particular relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use information to define my relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the power of just being myself, one and equal with my breath, my mind, the other person's mind, as well as the other person's breath.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to dedicate lots of energy to becoming cool so that I might have an easier time in the social world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek that easy way out. < that's for another time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be honest with myself in expressing myself in every moment regardless of how I may perceive others' to perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making negative impressions of myself within others' minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a feeling of discomfort when I haven't conformed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others' reactions to my expression; within this, I forgive me for accepting and allowing me to behave differently.

--

I commit myself to a self-honest expression of myself, meaning that others' opinions and reactions to me shall not hinder my freedom within common sense reason.

I commit myself to STOPPING the discomfort I create as an internal experience when others' interject their beliefs at me.

I commit myself to STOPPING trying to guess what others' might be thinking about me, so that I may remain here within and as my breath.

I commit myself to showing myself and equal respect/regard as I do for others.

I commit myself to not making snap judgments and not using limited information to judge another's character.

I commit myself to no longer defining relationships based on information. Nothing but what's here will be real. No mental BS telling me the way it is or is supposed to be, not any more

I commit myself to taking this stand, and catching my mind in action as to promote the most pure relationships with others and myself, equally.