Day 289 - Anxious to Change the World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a positive affect on the world without first giving myself the time to learn and live the principle of what is best for all. I realize that I must first become effective and responsible within the world system. I commit myself to continual realization that I need to stand stable before I run to assist others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put others before myself, structurally in my mind, thus creating consequences of ineffective communication (i.e. hypocritical) AND promoting my own ego enslavement through a socially constructed (externalized) self-definition. I realize the tendency to help others without helping self first is essentially a desire to be validated and thus a design of ego fulfillment. I commit myself to recognizing when I am trying to make a point that I haven't yet walked myself in my own experience, stop, breathe, and self-realize along WITH my communication partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be up tight and anxious when I see how someone can benefit from the desteni tools, and then follow this emotion into a poorly construed attempt to teach another. I realize that I have been riding a feeling experience that I do not understand. I commit myself to stop and breathe whenever I see myself in this train of uncertain/ego motivation, even if it might look funny to change my starting point mid-interaction.

When and as I see myself desiring to move fast as a whole through the journey to process as a valid means of justifying the prioritization of my efforts to make others understand the desteni message, I stop I breathe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to undermine my own self-worth and responsibility to walk my own process first. I realize that my anxiousness is not nearly as effective as if I slowed down and really helped myself first. I commit myself to do that.

Day 263 - The Achievement Collector

This is an interesting perspective I've narrowed down within me.  A personality design, a character that comes out in many of life's scenarios. It's so deeply rooted that I can't remember for how long I've been this way, so it might take awhile before I can effectively address the entire system. I breathe, I walk.

The achievement collector is how I'm going to label this personality/drive that I've discovered. This is what it is to me:

• a way to become better & more powerful, to ultimately "save the world"/become famous
• climbing the ladder seemed like the best option for myself
• validation in and of my externalized self-definition
• do hard work now -> achievement; then take it easy and just ride the achievement
• as capital: achievement viewed as inherently valuable
• Competition, rush to gain as much achievement as I can to be safe & secure
• competing with the "general other"

OK, so with these above points, I can see how my starting point within achievement is skewed  and tainted by self-interest. Achievement has nothing inherently wrong in it. I'm not trying to stop achieving things. I'm investigating my motivations to achieve, and gather accomplishments like a commodity that increases my self-worth. That's not cool. My self-worth is defined as the life that I am, not the ego/externalized self-definition/others' judgments of me. I must realign who I am within seeking achievement to fulfill my potential and not succumb to creating myself through how I believe others want me to be or expect me to be.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-worth in separation of myself, such that I would define myself according to my accomplishments that were valid in the eyes of others as if that was all that really mattered. This is the primary reason and starting point for going to college and I ended p cheating myself out of getting the most I could have, had I been there for me and not for society's sake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue achievement in relation to others. This point of comparison as means to validate my value has been seriously detrimental to myself and others within how I would orient myself in relationships, needing to be superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'achievement' as being superior than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a value on achievement from an external perspective, where I would be able to eventually stop working when I accumulate enough achievement. This is like capitalism, work hard, have success, and retire on the work of yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to escape working hard by only working hard on things that I perceive will yield a residual benefit so I won't have to work hard. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard, and not realize that this desire plays out, and that there is no escape from my internal reality. I commit myself to seeing all of who I am within, so that I may own it, and change myself as who I really am into an expression of life, not ego/mind.

I commit myself to exposing to myself the entirety of my personality constructs that I have built to serve my ego/externalized self-definitions.

When and as I see myself working toward an achievement so that others will positively define me, I stop I breathe. I bring myself back to myself and see how I am motivated to accomplish whatever it is within the context of myself and what is best for all. If I was only motivated by how I think others will judge me, I realize this is a fear-based starting point. I commit myself to check my starting point within my motivation toward accomplishment to see if I am acting within a root of fear or have I really considered the implications/effects of a particular achievement.

When and as I see that I have not considered who I am within the starting point of obtaining achievement, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past behavior has momentum, it's my personality. I commit myself to breathe and create myself within an alignment of what is best for all when working toward achieving something.

When and as I see myself acting to become better than, more than, or superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize that achievement based in comparison and competition is not what is best for all, rather what is best for my self-image as who I am as an ego in separation of others. I commit myself to identifying where I am still attached to this idealized self-image that is my ego within my imagination based on how I think others perceive me. Through identifying my 'vices' related to desire for superiority, I commit myself to patiently walking self-forgiveness and corrective application until I no longer am drive to succeed by treading on others.

When and as I see that I have been working hard at something so that I can eventually stop working hard, I stop I breathe. I realize that this particular form of achievement desire is actually holding me back as my starting point is to 'not have to work hard.' I commit myself to hard work, for the rest of my life.

No shortcuts.

No easy living... 

Not until all may live easy.

Investigate equal money system where basic human rights are guaranteed to all, and LIFE is honored.

Day 255 - Who am I within Commitment? Part 2

I commit myself to writing out everything, not allowing personal shame or embarrassment hold me back.

I commit myself to show you that I'll still be alive and well by the time I add one more '5' to the end of 'Day 255.' This blog will be the proof of my commitment to full integrity because I'm not going to be able to bullshit 7 years of writing, especially with the premise of self-honesty. Check out all the Journey to Life Blogs to get an idea of what it takes.

Regarding that first commitment, this shame/embarrassment factor has played a significant role thus far. Since the beginning of my interactions, I had this fear of diminishing my reputation and through that, I held myself back from participating. I was around the Desteni material for over 2 years with a constant backchat that I didn't want to participate and compromise my self-image. What will people think of me?..and so on and so forth. I've recently realized how I've preserved this fear by defining my involvement within Desteni as something that will one day be seen as prestigious. Through that, I realized that I wasn't only still afraid to assert myself and participate, I was allowing myself to piggy-back on the Desteni name. Shame is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to transfer the fear of losing my reputation into a passive leech-like state of association with an organization that I perceive will automatically establish my positive reputation. Ah, the depth is nice.

" fear of losing my reputation"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how others perceive my by placing value in my reputation, not realizing that my true reputation will be a reflection of my own self-honest work.

I commit myself to the realization of my self-honest work ethic within everything that I do.

The issue of shame and embarrassment is a work in progress. Stay tuned. I want to briefly dive into other areas of troublesome self-commitments and expose a few reasons why I am struggling to produce lasting self-change. The first one to mind is my nail biting habit. I've tried stopping this habit several times, and I have  been able to stop for at most a month, but I typical falter much sooner. When I first began this JTL blog, I hit my nail biting habit over a three day period and it only provided a temporary charge of illusionary change. Since then I've sparsely and timidly made a few posts about the nail biting, but the truth is I was crippled by failure. I had manifested the failure that I feared, and I allowed it to spiral into defeated character. Boo hoo, poor me. Na, screw that. I realize now how dumb that is. Why would I not just get back up and keep trying until I succeed?

And on to the reasons for giving up on my commitments:

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not have enough information to carry forward with stopping my participation. By placing self-change as something great and significant, I had set myself up for failure.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make self-change something special that requires something more than what I can handle at that point in time, believing I need to be something more to stop myself.

The above here is my primary justification for allowing myself to to take a failure and let it define me. This is not a real self-commitment. This is me showing me who I am in relation to self-honest commitment. So the take away point from this parable is: don't give up so quickly! I only required to dig deeper and see where the problem is. What is the nature of the problem? How have I rendered myself unable/helpless/victim in relation to the point I am facing? What is it exactly that I don't understand? Breathe here. If I don't know what I don't know, AND I react to that = self-sabotage. If I don't know what I don't know, and I breathe, I can much more practically take on the situation = self-support.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to simply play victim of a greater force and give up on myself. I realize that I have support from all of humanity, and yet I am the one that must walk through the challenges  of applying and living self-commitments.

The second key factor in faltering on my commitments is my start point is wack. How can I make a commitment to myself if I make it for others?

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write commitment because I believed I had to as others were reading/watching me. In this separation, I placed the responsibility of accountability in others. I made my readers my policeman. In ways I still do this, and this point will need to be expanded on soon. I'm sick telling myself that I must get the blog done before midnight so my readers can see that I write daily.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make commitments to myself, strictly for myself. I never liked making promises to anyone, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to place others before self, where I write for them instead of me.

I commit myself to stop and breathe before I make any more commitments to myself. <-- This is a significantly different starting point. Typically, in the past, I've been spewing out self-commitments while considering if/how others will hold me accountable. This starting point is ineffective.

I commit myself to begin making all my commitments from the starting point consideration of practicality in the sense of my ability to actually carry them through into my actual living.

I commit myself to stop spewing commitments for the sake of a good show. Starting point is huge. This ties back into my reputation issue. I've for so long defined myself externally, that I've only ever tried to put on a good show. Self-honesty is HUGE game changer.

And I'm super down. So stop being a clown. Why do you frown? Get out of town. ...I'm done.

photo credit

Day 251 - Embarrassing to Underperform

Voluntary Embarrassment by Brittanysoup

Today, I had a lot to do, and a lot of time to do it all. It's embarrassing to admit...so I will, for the sake of self-honest investigation! I began the day with a solid work ethic/attitude, and it surprisingly decayed with the opportunity to allow it to.

Why did I allow distraction and mind system take over? Good question. I do not want to see this point. It is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing? In my DIP lesson material this month, I took a closer look at embarrassment. At the base of it, embarrassment is really just a fear of change with fear of loss at the root. To phrase it practically: I have this idealized idea of myself, and when it doesn't align with how others see me, I lose that idealized idea of myself because my externalized self-definition (a.k.a. looking glass self) doesn't mach. I construct who I see myself as through the feedback of who I am according to how others perceive me, and yet I also formulate this internal idealized self image.

Now, taking a step back to look at this design: It appears that I am holding myself back from a stabilized work ethic by living with an internal friction, created by the internal idealized self and the external feedback self. This is a point of polarity, and there are a few dimensions within it. It's starting to get messy, so I'm taking this slow and writing out each detail as it becomes clear to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a strong and hard worker in separation of my actual lived work ethic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this internal self-definition of strength as a positive work ethic when I cross reference with reality and what others would see/think of me if they were to know the truth of how I am actually spending my time. In this, I hadn't realized how others can be a point of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide from others the reality of myself as my lived application of myself to delay the onset of facing the reality of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to maintain an internal, positive self-concept with the impression that by doing so, I can avoid the negative feeling of actual, lived underperformance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear embarrassment and further compromise myself by suppressing the realization of the reality of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define positive thinking as valuable. In the face of reality, a positive, internal self-concept is an illusion and a deliberate denial of the harsh truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been living in denial so that I could simply maintain an internal feel-good happiness that I was able to manifest most of the time, completely suppressing all the bad shit I didn't want to see/acknowledge/announce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others will think of me if I am completely honest with myself.
--
When and as I see myself within an internal friction/conflict of trying to maintain an internal, positive self image, I stop I breathe. I realize that by ending this battle, I can see what is really here. What am I trying to hide from others? Why? I commit myself to breathing and asking myself these questions in preparation for writing self-forgiveness to release the pattern of self-compromise of semi-deliberate ignorance.

When and as I see myself embarrassed, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've created an unstable self-definition that I am afraid to lose. I commit myself to digging deeper into all points of instability within myself while breathing. Without the breathing, I am impossibly lost in polarity, reaction and overwhelmingness to be able to clearly see my dynamic participation in the mind.

When and as I see myself in a state of stubbornly fighting for my positive/idealized, internal self image, I stop I breath. I realize this as a subtle, yet deliberate ignorance of reality. I realize this as avoidance. I realize this pattern for what it is. I commit myself to stop accumulating consequence by choosing to be self-dishonest in a moment of necessary humility.

For now, this is all I am comfortable committing to. I have realized a consequence of writing/speaking when it's not for self, with self, of self. Tomorrow I'l get into sounding self-forgiveness, getting to work, and stabilizing as the living word. Thanks for reading me.

Day 225 - Group Effort & Me

In school, I had always liked group projects because it would seem that my effort was amplified through the group. Within this is this group structure of accomplishing work, I could kind of hide my real effort. On the flip side, solo efforts were purely reflective of my effort, so there was no ability to hide. So, this lack of direct accountability while working in a group, gave an easy way out. It was kind of a leaning on the others, in such a way that I wasn't putting in an equal contribution; however, I would tailor my appearance when interacting with other group members to always provide the appearance that I was giving 100%. And I wasn't a total slacker. I would just do less than if, I was directly accountable for my work.

Now, within the Desteni group, I am repeatedly faced with this concept of self-honesty. This implies that I am to be holding myself directly accountable for my work. Cheating the system is no longer an option from the perspective that my point of reference to self is not externalized. In school, they would say, "when you cheat, your only cheating yourself," but I only considered my grade as significant. Back then I had placed much more emphasis on who I am toward others, not realizing that I sabotaged my learning potential by carrying this point through into the school system. They were right.

And now, I am no longer interested in finding the shortcut. Who I am within me is the point of significance, and how I appear to others from that internalized starting point will be a natural progression from. Ever more self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to cheat the system by taking short cuts, not realizing that by putting in 90% and making it look like 100%, I'm lying to myself. 90% is 90%

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what others think of me is all that matters, so that as long as I was getting good grades and a college degree, I was doing fine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have been compromising myself through repeatedly searching for the way to amplify doing less work, and in this, how I have been taking advantage of group efforts by hiding my true work ethic within the group behind a smile and tailored presentation of my attitude toward working hard, so that others would think that I was one of the hardest working members of the group while I was still trying to just get by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of group situations to lie to myself and others about my work ethic, and then take credit as an equal for the final product.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than equal with my effort input while working in a group as equals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can get away with doing less work and hide behind the group's sum-total effort.
--
When and as I see myself pretending to be putting more effort into a project than I truly am for the sake of others' approval, I stop I breathe. I realize that this facade is detrimental to the group's potential, and even more so to me because I'm trying to exist as the illusion when I'm not being honest with myself AND I'm not giving myself the opportunity to put in my best effort. I commit myself to stopping the energy used to put up a false image of my work ethic, humble myself, and get to work within the context of my best efforts. I owe it to the group and to myself!

When and as I see myself desiring to do less work because I can get away with it, I stop I breathe. I realize that even if I CAN get away with it, make my efforts look all nice and pretty so that no one questions me, I will still be left with the truth of myself that I will have to face. I commit myself to no longer suppressing the deceit of myself within myself.

When and as I see myself working hard and motivate BECAUSE of the external pressure as expectation, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is in part why I have externalized and defined my value from the perspective of how I perceives others' perceptions of me. I commit myself to working hard within and for myself, building self-trust and self-worth from the starting point of myself. I and the value, and if others don't see it, I investigate why not. Ever more integrity.

Journey on.

photo cc

Day 221 - Developing Self-Trust

Where did it go missing? When?

Never had it? Yeah.

Why? ...more importantly, HOW do I establish it.

I think the why has to do with ease. The tendency has always been to seek truth outside of self. Like a game of accumulating things to trust, and the more stuff I found that I could trust, the more trust worthy I would be to others...

SNAP. There it is again. This 'others' orientation, this externalized self-definition. So my starting point has always been in separation of myself. Oh wow.

That's How I Haven't yet established Self-Trust. Shoot. I've gone my whole life trusting others to tell me what's what....even who I am!
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to show myself who I am, how I am existing; to give myself context within the moment that is here to determine who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust others to show me who I am, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others' negative reactions to me / my being because I feared having to face myself in that negative light. Inside of this is my reluctance to face or own up to others negative perceptions of me, and also having to deal with suppressing them to maintain my positively charged self-concept. Digging deeper.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have always placed trust in my external to determine truth. I now realize how little I thought of my self, my worth, my ability to determine or create reality. This goes deep. Into relationships even, where I have not trusted my self to lead anther through space-time. Leadership skills on the rise. Patience. Persist within my self-investigation process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than others through the design of placing all my trust into others.
--
The design of self-trust as/through self-honesty is not a "naturally" occurring realization. The process of developing self-trust through, with, and as developing self-honesty would not have occurred to me without the unexpected Desteni message. So, I realize and understand that to build self-trust, I must become self-honest. And that implies a lot. Simple, yet extensive. To be honest with myself is digging deep into myself and facing each point. No running. No allowed fear. Fear is examined to find the source point, to forgive myself for allowing that source point to define who I have become. Developing self-trust is not an overnight happenstance. I'm in it for the long haul. And I can't blame you for not trusting me, as I have never trusted myself. I encourage you to investigate where(when/who) you have separated trust from yourself in your world and why. This is it. This is the Journey to Life. Serious. Mind your mind, self-deceiver.
--
When and as I see myself looking to the external for feedback to determine who I am, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am as the starting point is in separation and in that I am not giving myself the opportunity to be honest with myself about who I am in that moment. I commit myself to writing about experiences where I have gone into a positive/negative reaction regarding myself from an external/reflected starting point perspective. This is my mind. Hello mind!

When and as I see myself as unworthy / unable / afraid to direct myself and/or others in any situation, I stop I breathe. I realize that my inferiority complex is not real, rather it is an accumulation of self-doubt. I commit myself to exercising all of my self-doubt programs through self-forgiveness and corrective application, until I am stable within my directive capacity from the starting point of breath. One and equal. Best for all. Duh.

on flickr

Day 220 - Decoding Ego-Battle Tendency

Continuing from yesterday, I posted a once private entry from my first process journal. To sum it up: I have been belittling my brother and then everyone around me to varying degrees so that I could build up my own sense of worth/value. It's an ego thing, and regardless of trying to justifying it as "okay because nearly everyone does it," I am choosing to stand up and take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. Putting others down so I can feel up is not responsible living. Peace out ego of mine!

Layout (written in side journal):

• Desire to be better/more/superior
• Fear of being out of control
• Fear of inferior state being called out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be superior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I desire to be better/more than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have control over my external world and interactions whenever possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being out of control in this context of being able to manage social outcomes.
In this, realizing that I have not ever been in control of myself...ahh, which makes sense that by attempting to assert control, the physical play out of that attempt was my focal point of establishing control within my world and reality. Nice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been heavily placing my self-definition in the hands of the external.
This is all I've ever known. I have never trusted myself within myself. Always looking to others/external to find who I am. How did that start? Distrust of self...next blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine who I am from only the context of my external relationships. Who I am is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize who I am is here within every breath, not needing validation or definition from any externalized, reflected source.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my reaction to other's reactions of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape/mold myself to manipulate my self-image in an attempt to invoke positive feedback from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge up my positive self-concept through a comparison construct, where I have purposely berated others into the lesser position to confirm/validate my higher authority.
Why did I do this? Inferiority complex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others exposing my inner monologue of self-worthlessness.
Interesting how the fear and self-doubt is primary...then, naturally, I try to assert the opposite to override the internal fear. This self-interested program has no care for how others feel about themselves. 'Best for all' was no where to be contemplated. Thanks for the assistance Desteni group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or care how I affect others and their relationship to themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in control of my world.
This is the crux.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be out of control within myself.
Process begins.
--
When and as I see myself out of control within myself, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that by allowing this inner state of confusion to continue, I seek a solution outside of myself. I commit myself to empowering myself to change myself by taking responsibility of my inner experience and guiding myself through the process of writing, slowing down, stopping, and correcting self.

When and as I see myself desiring my external to act/be a certain, particular way, I stop I breathe. I realize that the desire to be in control indicates a past allowance point where I have felt out of control and attempted to regain control through my external. I commit myself to investigating why I wanted someone or something to act under my will.

..Just investigated a little. Power design. Desire for power, indicates a self-perception of powerlessness. Power is for control. Without control = potential failure & potential loss. Therefore, desire for power = fear of failure / loss. So, I commit myself to asking myself in moments of wanting control/power, "What do I fear?" I commit myself to following through with writing out my experience and realizations into self.

Bite by bite, layer by layer. I reveal myself  to myself in the physical, and through seeing who I have become, I make the choice to stop and correct myself. Patience in necessary. I've built one heck of a piece of work as the multidimensional personality constructs that predictably react to my environment. Fear is here, and until it is clear, I got work to do.

Thanks. I'll continue soon with an investigation of my inferiority complex and diminished self-trust.

If your curious about what Desteni is, I highly recommend this vehicle for self-realization.

photo credit

Day 218 - Truth-Seeking Personality Design

I'm meeting a lot of resistance with this point. I wanted to simply open up my relationship to truth, and spent 2 days collecting my approach and ended up posting a prelude yesterday. I'm finding it easy to become overwhelmed with the extent that I have defined myself as a seeker of truth, but this point of overwhelmingness/too much is a mental design I'm quite familiar with at this point.

I will not accept and allow myself to be stopped by this puny little program of resistance any longer. When it does, I stop I breathe. I realize the statement I am making of who I am when faced with and moved by resistance. If you have had enough of this laziness energy steering your life, I recommend you research what is really going on in your head so you are prepared and then able to stand up and say no to this habitually ingrained mental pathway. This EQAFE interview was super supportive on the resistance point as well.

On with it:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am not the first/only person to seek Truth and that many religions are in place because of this innate desire to understand what is true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that truth and deception are polar opposites of the same system, and thus are one and equal. This is how religions have been able to deceive with truths.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that truth is mystical and somewhere out there.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been seeking truths outside of myself because I did not want to face the truth of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a beautiful truth that is powerful and superior, so that I could use this truth to become powerful and superior, so that others will be attracted to my truth-saying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely ego invested in my search for truth so that others, specifically my skeptic peers, will eventually submit to my superior knowledge of what is true and what is deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not cleared up my starting point within my relationship to Desteni, and have carried on within separation to satisfy my thirst for truth so that I may be right and others wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I had been defining my self-worth through my ability to acquire True truths that are superior, and that within this, my starting point self-definition was inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am worthless and inferior if I do not obtain something superior. I thought that superior truth would make me superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the Truth of myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to utilize truth to deceive others that I am superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what actually true exists here in every moment of my breath.
--
When and as I see myself in a belief system design of truth, I stop I breathe. I ask myself "who am I within this?" Why do I stand in a relationship to truth? I realize where I have separated myself from truth is often ego-related desire to be right/superior. I commit myself to bringing myself back to my breath to understand the truth of myself for me in that moment.

When and as I see myself in separation of the truth from the starting point of lacking knowledge about who I am, I stop I breathe. I realize that self-truth does not exist outside of myself, that is deception. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself and others with knowledge based truth. I commit myself to understanding self-truth and sharing it when appropriate as when it's supporting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself desiring to be special and superior so that other's will follow my and confirm/validate my self-worth, I stop I breathe. I realize that desire for truth is self-dishonest. I commit myself to investigating the truth of self as what is here in each moment of every breath.

When and as I see myself arguing with a jaded skeptic over what is truth, I stop I breathe. I realize that what is best for all in this scenario may be walking away, as the energy of mind has diminished shared ability for mutual understanding. I commit myself to only speaking of the self-truths I have found when others are willing and ready to listen. This will be clearly indicated by others asking questions. And unless, I have walked this point of understanding, I have no business guesstimating answers based on referencing a limited information database within my memory. This is abuse of communication; a severe reduction in the value of the spoken word. Self-dishonest, self-compromise.

When and as I see myself motivated to find truth because I want to prove others wrong, I stop I breathe. I realize that my starting point within separation will distract me from self-honestly investing my self for myself. I commit myself to bringing my starting point and motivation back to self before proceeding with my self-investigation.

I write. I open up my mind for me to see. I move from the starting point of my breath to support myself and others in discovering the truth of self from self's perspective in self-honesty. Consider the truth character officially opened. TBC

photo from deviantart

Day 212 - It's My Work

Continuing with the point from yesterday: Day 211 - Work for Me and many posts related to Delay.

Breaking news!

I've reached an insight that I can really work with.

Note: I commit myself to not work this up and have it turn into a temporary energetic high. (Note2: I may have already, keep flag set for this point of externalizing motivation source)

The culmination point of my writing efforts. I credit myself, Anu 152, and one of my critical friends. Myself for investigating this point for what was starting to seem like forever. The EQAFE interview for that final push of insight regarding self-change and who I am in process. And my friend for asking, "why don't you work in a soup kitchen?" I took this question into consideration to find a motivating concept I now coin: The soup kitchen opportunity cost evaluation of time usage.

Through in a bit of self-reflection in my side journal, and out comes a familiar realization in a new light. It's essentially the same points I found in Day 192 at the beginning of the month. So consider this post moving from discovery into application. So what is this (kinda) new realization?

I walk process for me.

Simple. Said it before. Today it clicked. This sentence is a note to self. And so is this one. I get it. You the reader can have fun reading, but that's your deal. My deal is am I writing for me in a way that practically assists and supports myself in realizing what I've accepted and allowed, so that I may effectively walk the specific process of self-change. Release the pattern and correct it. Self-forgive and live the correction.

Now, this is not the end of the road. Realize. As I typed "live the correction" right up here ^ I saw the mind move with backchat like "not always so easy." These points will be investigated. Who I am within the writing of these new laws of self, will be investigated as resistance arises. For now, a knock-out push of processing my realizations of the day.

-- Not For School --

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aim for the bare minimum level of effort/work required to walk process. In this I now see that my starting point is in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and the ultimate importance on how the external feedback judges my work. Life has always been about getting the good grades in school or getting others to praise me for doing "good work."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire others telling me that I am great at what I put my efforts to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need for this kind of positive validation from the hidden starting point of insecurity within me and my relation to my creations.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a relationship toward the Desteni group where I have put them in a similar position in my mind as I had with my grade-giving teachers. I believed that as long as I was getting positive feedback, I was doing great.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this separation and its implications.

I forgive myself for not realizing myself as the only measure of self-honesty and self-trust that is relevant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others' validation of my effort is required or needed in any way to be self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself with being self-honest. Obviously, this will take time to facilitate as I break down the relationships, definitions, separations and limitations within myself. I commit myself to giving myself the time to do so.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay work that is for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing that I am only delaying my own process through procrastinating self-support points such as this writing. It's not what I do, but who I am within what I do. Why am I delaying? I give myself permission to take a break within a clear starting point of self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take breaks and delay facing myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate who I am within my resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have lived my commitment to walk process for myself through never have fully understood it meant. If I do not understand 'walking process for self' entirely, then I commit myself toward deeper understanding of where I am separating myself from my process within the context of motivation. In self-honesty, can I say that I am stable within a choice to support what's best for all, or am I still trying to hold onto the self-interested pursuit of separation and inequality for power/sex/etc.

--

When and as I see myself placing my process in the category of "must-do for others and/or their perception of me," I stop I breathe. I realize this as a form of self-manipulation where I utilize a mentally constructed ultimatum to motivate myself from an external source. I commit myself to realizing when I am trying to manipulate and motivate myself from or through an unstable, external source point.

When and as I see myself unmotivated to walk process, I stop I breathe. I realize that none are free until all are free. I realize that there is still famine and poverty in the world. I realize I could be in a soup kitchen. I commit myself to pushing through the resistance of self-correction, so that I, sooner rather than later, become a stable point of living oneness and equality and able to take on more responsibility.

When and as I see myself resisting process for any reason, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not failure. I realize that I am effective within my process on a point-by-point basis, and I commit myself to not allow resistance to turn into doubt and discouragement before I investigate the experience and pinpoint thee specific source.

When and as I see myself getting by with less than 100% effort put into my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is resistance inside of me. I commit myself to locating that resistance and moving with it into correction, not fighting with it. I commit myself to stop the internal battle that fuels the resistance, gives reason to it. One system of internal resistance is moved into self-direction with a simple instruction and follow through. Will I let the friction guide me away from it or will I understand it is only as powerful as my belief in it?

When and as I see myself expecting positive validation or receiving praise, I stop I breathe. I note my reaction. I commit myself to applying immediate self-forgiveness for the allowed experience in relation to my externalized judgement of my creation of work.

When and as I see myself performing work for others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here by my choice, and thus I am to blame/credit for my position. I commit myself to bringing myself back into myself as I work, realizing that my work is for me, and when it isn't, to stop, breathe and investigate my allowances within the specific work relationship.

--

Thanks for reading, but as you now know, this is for me to stand up and support myself as life, and for all to bear witness. Thanks to me for being here. If you aren't yet supporting yourself effectively, leave a comment and I'll temporarily provide some support for you to get on your feet too :)

Day 201 - Fear in being Ineffective

This is a fear that must stop. The whole perfectionism disease where one prevents oneself from trying as to avoid the risk of failing. I identify with this some areas, mostly pertaining to my reflected self (judgement from others), and in other areas like skateboarding, I saw failure as motivating to get up and try again...this appears to fit the polarity design: +/- of acting on/in fear.

For the moment, I'm going to dig deep into the negative aspect of fear disabling / halting me from attempting something new or unfamiliar.

Additional perspective found here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixation on perfection as defined by  how others perceive me. Within this fixation, I feared being seen as less than perfect. I imagine myself in a karate school, and the only time I would go into the middle to fight is if I was certain I was going to win, so that no one could laugh at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of others laughing at me and in that feeling inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how the crowd might perceive me. There is a "but" here. It is, but the crowd's opinion matters from the perspective of a collective majority vote.Could this fear of failure/noneffectiveness be the reason we don't speak up? Yes, at least for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to speak up / ask questions / voice opinions / record a vlog because of fear of ridicule. In this is fear of nonacceptance by the crowd, fear of others attacking me, fear of nothing happening (back to the original point: don't try, and nothing is guaranteed).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that these self-forgiveness statement won't do anything, and within this fear I have created a doubt resistance toward the forgiveness process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to even try doing something that is unfamiliar to me because I fear others' perceiving me to fail. Ah. It's less of a fear of failure from an internal standpoint, hence my skateboarding example. It's a fear of failing from the public / others who don't know or accept me.

Cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends I never had through creating a bad first impression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  fear the groups reaction to my attempting something that I'm not perfect at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be perfect before I subject myself to public judgment. Pushing my self to write this blog from Day 1 has been an exercise in this. I didn't know how to write a PUBLIC blog back then. Now, my confidence is rising, though I have been delaying the next step of cleaning up the appearance and user-interface of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  feel like I have to have everything about my self-expression "the right way," as to fit in with the crowd. (Day 198)
--
When and as I see myself afraid to try something new/unfamiliar because of how I perceive worry others may judge me negatively, I stop I breathe. I realize that behind this is fear of loss, fearing that I will lose in the context of being liked, fearing losing an opportunity to have my reputation go up / leave a positive impression, on strangers specifically. I commit myself to walking out all the details of this other-oriented fear to try things that I am not the master of. It will be an exercises in humility.

When and as I see myself within resistance toward writing a post or doing anything that is public, I stop I breathe. I realize that I do not have to compromise myself/my reputation by recklessly publishing my self-expression, no. I commit myself to practically applying myself to the best of my ability and not let an internally created experience of fear of judgment stop me from directing myself.

When and as I see myself not acting because of fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize this is just a mental occurrence that plays on my past memories and feelings to keep me in submission to fear. I commit myself to breaking these ties to fear of others' opinions of me so that I may work effectively toward what is best for all life.

When and as I see myself not speaking up or voicing my opinion because I fear ridicule and negative group judgement, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an allowance of an inferiority complex within myself. I commit myself to start expressing myself more in public settings, forgiving the points of resistance that come up.

When and as I see myself resisting to write a blog post, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me. I commit myself to writing for myself and others equally, and exposing any superiority/inferiority backchat to continue to diffuse the charges that have kept me silent.

I realize that fearing to be ineffective is what is keeping me to be ineffective. I commit myself to stop this pattern of manifesting my fear without realizing my participation within it as the propagating factor.

Future points that came up while writing:

• fear to clean up blog's appearance ("gotta do it right")
• polarity of fearing publishing = desiring publishing (special or different than side-journal wiritng
• both are for self, should be no significant difference for practically walking process
• Ego block: humble vs pride (self-reflection in others' reactions)
• "Best for all" protection blanket.
• Superiority complex = talking too much; words are energetic, not self here

Day 198 - Embarrassed to Breathe?

Sounds silly, and yet I have identified this in me in small ways. Sometimes as backchat, sometimes as internal judgment of myself as some twisted excuse to remain in the mind. I remember this thought came up when I first started exploring Desteni: "...but other people will hear me breathing differently than normal." Haha. And I even have some fringe memory of worrying about my breathing pattern when I was conscious of it back in my younger years. Ooo, this is interesting.

When I was conscious of my breath, I would fear judgement as well as judge it myself: The way it sounds. "Is it normal?" "Will other notice me?" Fear of not fitting in. Fear of standing out.

Oh snap! This is crazy. I've defined myself throughout my years in school from the starting point of wanting to fit in and not stand out. From the moment of my breath, these were the first and foremost fears that came to mind, and through accepting and allowing that fear to direct me, I created some of my primary personalities throughout my social interactions over the past 15+ years. These still exist today.

Well, I've discovered some interesting realizations by examining my relationship toward my breath throughout time. This all started when I was in yoga noticing how loud my ujjayi breath was because my nose is a bit stuffed up. I decided that I should open up my fear of judgement in relation to my breathing, and I'm glad I did. I'll certainly be investigating these key-player characters as I move forward within my breathing purification process. For now I breathe and bring my focus back to this one point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by the way that I breathe.

As breathing is my expression of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to what others think of me, and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing what I think is my accepted version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear loosing positive or potentially positive judgement by simply breathing and being myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change because I have defined myself externally by placing primary importance on projected self-judgement. Within this, I also forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize the starting point of self-judgement and projected self-judgement as fear of non acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear simply expressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to fit in and be/breathe a certain way to fit in or be liked by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that who I am as my breath is not normal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I could be rejected for breathing and being myself here.
--
When and as I see myself departing from my breath into a thought in relation to being accepted as my breathing expression, I stop and I again breathe. I realize that the doubt that others care about my breath is silly, and even more importantly, the fear that they might care must be disintegrated. I commit myself to disintegrating my fear of self-honest expression as who I am simply breathing.

When and as I see myself feeling embarrassment, I stop I breathe. I realize that behind embarrassment is a fear of loss construct that is based on defining myself in separation of myself. I commit myself to using embarrassment as a flag point tool to investigate where I have separated my self-definition from myself here.

When ans as I see myself in fear or worry about how others will perceive my breathing, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are rudimentary fears that have been compounded and deeply integrated into my being over years of participation. I commit myself to investigating the characters of myself that I have exposed today.

When and as I see myself trying to fit into a particular group with a certain set of accepted behaviors, I stop I breathe. I realize the question of whether or not it is appropriate to be considering how I am coming off to others. I commit myself to stopping the unreasonable moments of fear separation, and within this to allow myself to act according to what will effectively produce a best for all scenario outflow.

Thanks for reading.

Day 195 - Writing Interference: Feeling Reactions

From Day 187:

So, I think I've discovered another layer: feeling good about my writing, insights, realizations, commitments vs. feeling bad about resistance to writing, lostness, not understanding, falling from commitments.

And shown throughout the past few days. I'm realizing that there is a feeling associated with a work/project/writing that varies based on the circumstances. Something like self-pride and self-pity, but the feeling is more internally felt as did I succeed or fail to be effective. What is effective writing?

Good
well done/nice job = thorough, yet concise and clear in capturing/framing the concept.

Bad
The polar opposite of good. Fear of failing to be good = overwhelmed, incoherent, inarticulate, skimming the surface by allowing fear/resistance to guide me away from a real investigation of self.

So far, I've done a lot of procrastination in my JTL posts. Why? Because I accidentally attributed  it to external point of working for the group. I better understand now, how this is a practice of writing for self. I'm here to write me out for me and all to see. The priority is not to prove that I am a certain way for others, or even logically for maintaining my sponsorship into the DIP program. I'm writing here for me to get clear within me, while allowing feedback/support from/for others.

So, another layer of resistance toward this writing can be found by investigating what is behind my feeling reactions toward my writing. Go!

Click Me ^

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply revel in the positive feeling of accomplishment without further investigating why this feeling reaction comes up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be taken over with pride when I write a 'good' post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into doubt and fear when I write a 'bad' post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within this, I am existing in a polarity reaction game and so compromising my stability within my writing application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I'd rather shoot for the positive reaction reward than stability within what is effective. In this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself participating in the polarity of positive-feeling rewards that balances the negative-feeling consequences in regard to my personal feeling-reaction toward my writings.
--
When and as I see myself driven to post a 'good post,' as defined by my personal, positive reaction towards it, I stop I breathe. I realize that operating within this framework is not a stable expression of self, rather an energy based motivation. I commit myself to decoding all energetic motivations, especially where I have made an external source point of motivation within my mind (i.e pride, pity).

When and as I see myself motivated to appease or please others with my writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that this mental participation is balanced with the polar fear of rejection, incorrectness, and/or negative emotions of worry, distress, anxiety overwhelmingness, etc. I commit myself to peeling back the layers of external motivation points so that I may gradually become more acquainted self-movement from within the physical. I commit myself to writing from the starting point of my breath, here.

When and as I see myself writing post with a forced external point of motivation, like when I have procrastinated and am being pushed by the clock to perform, I stop I breathe. I realize who I am within my writing is an important point of consideration. I commit myself to reflecting on what resistance lead me to wait to work with myself within this writing process of my Journey to Life. I commit myself to writing out the pattern of resistance for myself to learn from. I realize within a proactive approach to my process, and by writing about my reflection in my side journal, I will have plenty of content to write through self-forgiveness and corrective application statements on the daily!

Let us all take responsibility as the singular point of self. Write yourself to freedom..or don't. It's your "life" to live as you please, and incur the consequences. End the illusion of blame. It's all you.

Day 194 - Priority for Process

Self First. I repeat:

SELF FIRST.

I look around and what do I see? I see people going through the daily motions of considering their self first. Before I was walking process, that's all I cared about: How to get ahead, how make money, how to be happy and sociable. So, it is primarily a daily goal of managing or creating emotional experiences of satisfaction. Am I on the right track to fulfill my desires and be happy? With this aim, the fears of failure step in: Can I find my soul mate? How will I make money and still have time for my happiness?

Alright, so this is a broad depiction fear and desires that are largely my own, though we all may share them. What is the difference between me and non-destonians? I am still pursing my interests, thought with a vague interweave of the principle of what's best for all. I say "vague" because I am not yet standing absolutely within what is best for all in every breath. I still eat candy, bite my nails and desire the company of others. These are the three primary points for me at the moment. These points get in the way of my focused self-direction. There is an energy. Residual habits.

One reason for delaying my process of sorting out these nuances of my own allowed behavior is the point of others. I want to help others see, realize, and understand what Desteni stands for. It's like an impulsiveness to just advocate (like in Day 7). I have a tendency to want to blame this design on my parents, which is yet another externalization, or abdication of responsibility. I am responsible for myself first. And this is the point. I started a thread on the forums about this point back when I started, and this particular post about sums it up. Since then I've been resisting the urge to share my process in relation to being Destonian. Now, I'm finally starting to see how Self comes first, and I can assist and support others with myself and after I have helped myself, not first. Others are doing their own lives, and just because I have chosen to take responsibility for the entire world system...well, it doesn't make any difference unless I am in action. I have made a choice, and now I must follow through in word, action and deed to not be hypocritical and ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the process of manifesting world peace must start within Self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that "if I can only just convince others of the solution, I won't have to put in the work" or actually become the solution myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself in relation to everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in separation of myself, where I am conceptualized in my mind as "great/powerful" or the flip "nothing/insecure."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself here in and as every breath, not as a conception of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring my process of self back to self, for self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with the conception of myself, and so move into all sorts of thought & feelings reactions that contribute to the process of my self-definition.

Ok, key moment here: Process for self-concept or for Self-here. This is the answer to my question earlier: Why am I different than others in my life? It's because I am working a process toward identifying with self-here, and stopping my allowance of excuses and justifications for spending effort to work for the self-concept, which is largely defined by how others see us and how we feel internally.

Wooooooo! What a pivotal concept. Process for Self. Self-Here. It's going to take time to move the self-definition from an unstable mental conception into my physical. It's kind of a foreign notion. Before the Destonian Support Group, we all just "thought, and so we are." Welcome "breathing therefore we live." To discern where I am supporting what's best for my mental image (which comes with pre-loaded feelings; within the causal argument against free will, where past dictates the future, fulfillment of our destiny) vs. supporting what best for the physical Self and All (working for a new desteni, where all life will truly be supported; peace on earth).

Artwork by Anna

How this all ties in: working shit out for self first. I need to focus on my own process through the realization and understanding that I am one and equal with all parts of the universe. I am a fractal of the physical existence. WoooHooo! I'm stoked to be alive. Time to get serious and make this about me in the physical realm, so that I can most effectively support all life in the physical, instead of feeding the energies of the self-conception and egos of this world.

When and as I see myself judging others for not giving the same amount of attention and care to this physical reality as I, I stop I breathe. Realizing that each has their own process to walk, I commit myself to focusing my own process.

When and as I feel the urge to dispense knowledge and information, I stop I breathe. I realize that my internal self-concept is the driving force behind this, as I want, need and desire others to have a mutual understanding. I also realize that I do not fully understand all the points of becoming a physical breathing body that supports what best for life at all times. I commit myself to stopping this hypocritical tendency through flag pointing and writing about each occurrence, not getting upset with myself for failing, and to persist in this purification process of self.

When and as I see myself playing a part in Process for an externalized point, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must bring myself back to myself here in my breathing and do work for me. I commit myself walking process for self and others with the consideration of myself, within my process, first.

When and as I see myself working towards ego-fulfillment, I stop I breathe. I realize that standing within my physical is a mere breath and self-direction. I commit myself to taking that essential breath, and when the energy clears, to write about whatever experience I had in relation to attachment to myself as a mental conception.

Breathing. Until next time.

Day 189 - Unintended Breath Departure

Or UBD for short, is basically when I have forgotten about my breath as I move into mind. This happens a lot, and most would say it's normal, "we all do it," or "it's human nature." Maybe so. I'm done with the preprogramed life style. Tired of the cycles of thoughts and reactions. So, to be practical about this, I must walk it all out point by point.

I'm going to focus on the most significant point I dug up the past two days. Yesterday, I sadly noticed how I've been walking process through this confirmation orientation. Very related to my externalized self-definition system, I've been kind of walking my process from the perspective of others. Now, this isn't super new. I realized it in Day 179 and several other days. The reason I say "sadly," and in general have self-frustration toward this topic of Not walking process for self, is because I've realized this before and even written SF on the point. This also came up the past two days: becoming angry at self for not succeeding in pattern-system removal on the first try.

This, and many other points related to resistance and internal self-definitions/relationships are still in the works. I've been in a routine of just writing about whatever comes up, the problem with that being how I've just been skimming the surface, delaying the self-honest self-forgiveness as I give into the resistance feelings and run to a more comfortable state of being. So with a breath and a new perspective, I write from me to me for me. Enjoy the read.

[Note: I am expanding the process of organizing these timely points in my side journal, so I do not get overwhelmed (fear of lostness) by them, and will have a plan for writing myself to freedom, one point at a time.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write for validation, placing my self-definition externally, as I write for approval and only through feedback do I see myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instantly doubt myself, finding that I only trust what I can see of myself in others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself. ...Long pause here, as I go into all kinds of alterations and thinking that I should change the title so it'd be more relevant to this topic. Ahhh, it's so cool how I see myself not trusting myself while this aspect just intensifies, and I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can trust myself. Also funny that while writing about this one point, I am having many UBD's as I get side-tracked by my thoughts. Ahaha, now it's relevant again, and it stays :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow prolonged UBD's, forgetting to breathe and focus. And within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at myself and fear not being able to regain control of my directed attention, not realizing self is just a breath away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take a breath before every statement of forgiveness.
--
When and as I see myself writing in a flow where I have forgotten about me, here, within and as my breathing application, I stop I breathe. I realize that to start from breath is a point of stability. I commit myself to breathe through my self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself within self-doubt thought from over-analyzing my words, trying to consider multiple others' potential perspectives, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a very habitually ingrained thought-behavior. I commit myself to not get discouraged when and as I see myself anxoius with potential judgment.

When and as I see myself within a UBD for any length of time, I stop I breathe. And from this breath, I make a decision to refocus on the initial task, or an agreement to go with the departure and return to the initial task in a reasonable amount of time.

When and as I see myself doubting that I can trust myself within my writing application, I stop I breathe. I realize I am always only a breath away from me, here. I commit myself to keep breathing. I commit myself to breathe when I am overwhelmed with thought.

Consciousness is extensive. Breath is stable. Let's do this! @ Desteni I Process

Related articles

• Day 188 - Finding My Breath
• Day 169 - Got to get here quick! pt.5

Day 187 - Continued Delay Discovery

I'm not done. Which leads me to think that, "well, if I have to write about stuff that I've already covered than I must not have already been effective." This thought tends to be followed by discouragement (like with my nails: a fall of which I still have been reluctant to stand back up from). Why? This discouragement tendency is  because of an internal relationship. Self defeatism. Unable.

Next relevant point to mind is getting ahead of myself. I'm not speaking/writing as one and equal with the living word of myself. And for this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compose words into a statement that is not one and equal as an expression of myself as life.

Here, I realize that I must not go into the reaction of disappointment, discouragement, frustration, giving-up. This is also the mind's expression. I do not allow it to direct me when and as I see it.

OK, another serious point: There is a feeling of instability within my writing. A hazy glaze at times; others, in control, clear, on point. There is a polarity here, and the feeling fluctuates within it.

So, I think I've discovered another layer: feeling good about my writing, insights, realizations, commitments vs. feeling bad about resistance to writing, lostness, not understanding, falling from commitments.

Which then leads me to think that, "have I been messing up? Have I been wasting my time? Am I unable to be effective?" Back to the beginning: Self-doubt

It's not as if I've made no progress, the flag points I've set are in effect and there is indeed overlap between process and real life. I just don't want to compromise myself any longer my making this process secondary to my 'normal' life as a system. I don't want to indulge in the carefree indulgences any longer. I don't want to fail in freeing myself from the cycles of self-abuse.

Writing isn't a magical process. It's simply me with me, moving me to be free. Haha, sounds magical.

In ways I have 'magicified' this process. I have placed it in separation of me in one way or another. I see others that are more comfortable with the self-forgiveness writing process, and somehow I keep seeing myself as behind and needing to get up to speed, but I have only ever moved myself to get up to speed when time presses me. Throughout school, time pushed me to a point of 'must do' for the tasks that I resisted. Why? Because I have been in the routine of weakness, or submission to the guilty pleasure, specifically, guilt from postponing what I know I should be doing.

I've created a fully ingrained habit for pushing aside my work for the fun side of life. Always, I look for chances to combine the two. Sometimes that looks like procrastinating one ask to get other work done. Sometimes I will decide to move into something productive because the task is social in some regard,. where my other-self reflection/definition is on the line.
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I like how I can just flow and write as I would in my written journal for the two years before I started this JTL blog, but I realize that within this style I am just doing the fun part. I've long enjoyed self-discovery. What's relevant here is how I've defined self-forgiveness as not fun. Why? Fear of messing up = writing in separation as if the SF is not real/valid/appropriate/working. Where am I in the the SF statements? I am somewhere in the background, pushing myself to write through the resistance. Yet the resistance is linked to my ineffectiveness of separating myself from the living word....

A cycle. A positive feedback loop. If I do not become the directive principle of my words then why am I even writing the forgiveness? This is a key realization. So not only am I avoiding the depth, but the reason that I am avoiding depth is because of the resistance to process that is me actually/literally resisting process. Like we manifest our fear. Like I manifest my resistance. I didn't even realize that this experience of resistance is also literally me within resistance. I gotta stop this resistance, but first I have to find out where and why. I realize I have a long way to go to get this all out, but going to be with me and do it every step of the way.

Goal: Establish all points of resistance, all related outflows, each feeling/emotional experience, backchat, imagination, each part of me and my experience involved with each one point. That is process.

Bring self back here, and work with self practically through the turmoil and realizations. Breathe through the ups and the downs, breathe through the consequence.

I commit myself to making process a priority of my life. I no longer am going to sit back and wait for process to push me as I have been through allowing myself to wait until the last minute to compose each daily post.

When and as I see myself able to be existing for myself as what's best for me as all, I stop I breathe. Before the next moment comes into play without a full consideration for myself in that moment, I realize that I am able to direct myself and whatever direction I take there is consequence. Will I support what is best for me as life or will I compromise my self / my time?

To be continued...

From this YouTube Interview

Day 179 - Self Pride

I've clarified for myself that I am walking several dimensions of my procrastination character. In the past month I've opened a lot up but I haven't been seeing it through. I have been advised by my DIP Buddy to write out and complete one point at a time, as this is the general general suggestion that has worked for those that have already been walking process for longer than I. It makes sense cause, once it's done, it's done and no time is being wasted trying to energetically maintain a physicalized idea of self-change. This is what I did for the month after I "stopped" biting my nails. Obviously, there are many more layers that I need to investigate/discover and work through (forgive and correct) before I can stabilize within real self-change. I have had success stopping habits (alcohol & drugs) without addressing all of the layers behind it, but I will need to dig up and let go of any attachments to memories, because currently, I am suppressing various mental images because I haven't spent the time to investigate the source of accepted/allowed self-definitions & fears.

Yesterday, I started looking at how disappointment in myself has been an accepted and allowed barrier to changing myself. Today, I'm going to balance the negative energy with the polar opposite positive energy: Pride. I haven't written a whole lot about any positive energies, mostly due to being unfamiliar with how to and/or not wanting to let go of them, but I'm ready to start.

cc

So, pride hasn't been realized as a barrier to productivity yet so I'm going to explore a bit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be prideful when I make other happy or think positively of me.

Haha, ok, that opened up a clear path. My mind went straight to how I place an emphasis on making others proud of me, and then to how that is a limitation within an authentic expression of myself within doing work. There is forgiveness to be done here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in how others see me and my work efforts, such that I miss myself and do work because of others. I have long only worked for others' positive judgments of myself. Ahh. (breath out)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and value on how others view my work, where in doing this I am not working directly for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work for others' judgments about me, not for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to please others first and foremost, and define success by how well others are pleased and happy because of me and my actions.

Dang, I literally defined success as making others pleased with my performance rather than simply considering myself only. By only considering how my actions feel within me in self-honesty, there is no point of comparison to feed pride to the ego, whereas when the starting point and emphasis is on other, I am ego within comparison. Look how fun this is to just write and self-realize shit :)

I think this mostly started in childhood, you know, trying to please the parents. There is a link to Day 62 that needs to be here, and I will continue to work with pride later on. I'm working on productivity related concepts at the moment, remember?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work for others reactions that I could internalize as validation/proof that my actions were right/successful, and ultimately that I am right and successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the chance to work with positive energies and hence limit myself investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in other's opinions of me and undervalue or even completely miss my self-honest opinion of myself in the process.
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When and as I see myself being lazy because I am faced with no opportunity to please others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the only person that needs to be pleased by me within self-honesty, meaning that I am considering all aspects of how my action(s) are effecting everything and is best for all within that common sense consideration. I commit myself to redefining why I do work, so that I am working for me alone within the reference point of 'best for all.'

I commit myself to stop placing others before me to determine if I am successful.

I commit myself to take on my pride character, piece-by-piece, patiently, and miss nothing.

I commit myself to pleasing myself :)