Day 179 - Self Pride

I've clarified for myself that I am walking several dimensions of my procrastination character. In the past month I've opened a lot up but I haven't been seeing it through. I have been advised by my DIP Buddy to write out and complete one point at a time, as this is the general general suggestion that has worked for those that have already been walking process for longer than I. It makes sense cause, once it's done, it's done and no time is being wasted trying to energetically maintain a physicalized idea of self-change. This is what I did for the month after I "stopped" biting my nails. Obviously, there are many more layers that I need to investigate/discover and work through (forgive and correct) before I can stabilize within real self-change. I have had success stopping habits (alcohol & drugs) without addressing all of the layers behind it, but I will need to dig up and let go of any attachments to memories, because currently, I am suppressing various mental images because I haven't spent the time to investigate the source of accepted/allowed self-definitions & fears.

Yesterday, I started looking at how disappointment in myself has been an accepted and allowed barrier to changing myself. Today, I'm going to balance the negative energy with the polar opposite positive energy: Pride. I haven't written a whole lot about any positive energies, mostly due to being unfamiliar with how to and/or not wanting to let go of them, but I'm ready to start.

So, pride hasn't been realized as a barrier to productivity yet so I'm going to explore a bit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be prideful when I make other happy or think positively of me.

Haha, ok, that opened up a clear path. My mind went straight to how I place an emphasis on making others proud of me, and then to how that is a limitation within an authentic expression of myself within doing work. There is forgiveness to be done here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in how others see me and my work efforts, such that I miss myself and do work because of others. I have long only worked for others' positive judgments of myself. Ahh. (breath out)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and value on how others view my work, where in doing this I am not working directly for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work for others' judgments about me, not for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to please others first and foremost, and define success by how well others are pleased and happy because of me and my actions.

Dang, I literally defined success as making others pleased with my performance rather than simply considering myself only. By only considering how my actions feel within me in self-honesty, there is no point of comparison to feed pride to the ego, whereas when the starting point and emphasis is on other, I am ego within comparison. Look how fun this is to just write and self-realize shit :)

I think this mostly started in childhood, you know, trying to please the parents. There is a link to Day 62 that needs to be here, and I will continue to work with pride later on. I'm working on productivity related concepts at the moment, remember?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work for others reactions that I could internalize as validation/proof that my actions were right/successful, and ultimately that I am right and successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the chance to work with positive energies and hence limit myself investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in other's opinions of me and undervalue or even completely miss my self-honest opinion of myself in the process.
When and as I see myself being lazy because I am faced with no opportunity to please others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the only person that needs to be pleased by me within self-honesty, meaning that I am considering all aspects of how my action(s) are effecting everything and is best for all within that common sense consideration. I commit myself to redefining why I do work, so that I am working for me alone within the reference point of 'best for all.'

I commit myself to stop placing others before me to determine if I am successful.

I commit myself to take on my pride character, piece-by-piece, patiently, and miss nothing.

I commit myself to pleasing myself :)