Day 168 - Got to get here quick! p.4

Today, I'm going to lay out another dimension of my relationship with time that has to do with time orientation/perspective. I was reading something a while back and the essence of it was: What are you going to do with your next 5 minutes?

I was deeply intrigued by this. It opened up a new, multidimensional perspective on time for me. How we each related to time can be experienced by different emotions or lack there of, which has long been my preference. I saw people stressing out, and I didn't want to be like that, so I decided to relax, and treat time as if there was plenty of it. No rush, was more fun. This was before responsibility & maturity started to hit.

In this process of familiarizing myself with who I am as one and equal with the whole of existence, I've suddenly lost all my inessential time. I no longer can waste my free time on purely self-interested indulgences. Have I stopped them all yet? No.

My mission is to find why I am still wasting my time, work through all the layers of self-interested reasoning, let them go with self-forgiveness, and live in alignment with what's best for all. Why would one do this? Why give up fun experiences? It depends on how you frame it, but I call it responsibility. If I want to be effective, I can't waste valuable moments of potential.

This is not a simple point. Much to consider; however, the best-for-all perspective is an incredibly helpful tool of discernment. With it, I can see myself not being responsible. When not responsible, especially in the context of total responsibility for all, I know that I am in self-interest and compromising what's best for self and all.

And it's not about no enjoying self in this existence. There is a balance in being mature and responsible. I do work, I have fun. If I delay work, I don't have fun.

This is it.

I've reached another key to my time orientation problem. I am placing importance on fun, and in so doing, I delay work and compromise true enjoyment. If I just got my responsibilities done first and foremost, I can have fun and balance the equation within. I've been balanced, I suppose balance may very well be inevitable, except I'm not really enjoying myself in this game catch -up during the last minute.

The other side of the coin is captured in this self-definition created around 10 years go: "I procrastinate my work, but I am not a life procrastinator." Essentially telling myself and several others that I do what I can to get ahead in life so I'm successful and can avoid the struggle I associate with not planning.

So, there are a few things going on here, and it all relates back to the question: "What are you going to do with your next 5 minutes?" I've been ignoring the importance of my next 5 minutes, and allowing it because I oriented myself to a more long term perspective of making sure that I would be on track within my life. So as long as I knew where I was going in the long term, I only took care of daily responsibilities when I had to, to ensure that my long-term was stable.

That's how I could live with my delay: Through the mental conception of being ahead in life...and one of the determining points of reference for this self-assessment, was of course others. As long as my vision for the future of my life was looking better than others, I was happy, and I rested easy.

Being sober from alcohol for over a year, I've externalized this concept onto people who did get drunk, thinking that they can live with themselves and fuck up their nights, because they allow it because their long-term is on track. It seemed semi-reasonable, and I believed it possible to still be successful and get wasted, as long as the long-term was in check. I didn't let myself realize that I was compromising myself in the same way without alcohol.

Externalization, projection: it can all be brought back to self, and for this perspective I am eternally grateful.

So recap of today's perspective:

- Time is relative to perspective
- Getting ahead in life, permits delay of the moment (NOT)
- Having fun before work is only a good idea within effective planning.
   - Postponing work, unplanned, produces unpleasant outcome in retrospect, nearly every time.

So my goal within all of this, is to figure out why I still exist within delay (one major reason being, justified future/long-term plan), so that my 5 minute plan is responsible in producing an effect that is best for me and all. Simple.

Tomorrow I will continue with a concise version of the points from today followed by specific self-forgiveness.

I leave you with the question(s): How will you spend you next 5 minutes? hour? day? week? month? year? minute? :)

It's truly fascinating to consider: how you spend your next breath is reflective of how you spend your entire life. Welcome Self-honesty.