Day 169 - Got to get here quick! pt.5

I keep thinking about my afterthought from yesterday:
"It's truly fascinating to consider: how you spend your next breath is reflective of how you spend your entire life. Welcome Self-honesty."

Each breath is when I consider who I am in relation to every single breath, past and future. Current layers present themselves here in one breath's awareness of what's going on inside of me. For example: I have an urge to stop writing and play a silly time-wasting game, but I breathe and push myself to keep writing. This is a living self-direction, not instigated by a mental energy push or pull.

To stay on track and provide a concise version of what I was trying to capture yesterday and do the Self-Forgiveness on it, is less appealing than just moving on to the next point of how I want others to get here quick, but that will wait until tomorrow because today I push myself to stay focused and not hop around from point to point to point. This in itself is a point of anxiety, and it prevents me from writing out the depth that is required for me to really walk through a point in understanding and releasing it from existing as an automated function of my programmed beingness.

Ok, so yesterday I explained a bit about how I have been rushing through life and in that justifying procrastinating my day-to-day moments. It's time to work this out.

I'm finding my self still awkwardly participating in this. As I have been delaying the writing my self-forgiveness for this topic for the bulk of the day. It really is true how an open point is intensified..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind as self-doubt, believing that I won't be able to actually stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate this writing all day so that I would, again, be forced to finished during the final hour of the day.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize I've been compromising myself and my ability to freely accomplish much more by focusing on and delaying one point of work/application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an importance/significance/value onto a task such that I develop a resistance relationship toward it instead of simply directing myself through to completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify procrastination because I've planned to at least have whatever it is done by the deadline. This makes no sense. Why do I procrastinate simply because I can?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sense of my time perspective, and thus my awareness of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that each moment of every breath is indicative of who I am in relation to myself and my world. I can use this moment of awareness as a tool to self-discover my current program and stand up from within it to direct myself according to my will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and from that create a relationship of resistance toward particular, 'important' work and nonsensically delay it until I have to do it, ultimately ending up compromising my work by existing with "oh well, I did the best I could given the amount of time I had (given myself) to complete it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play as victim to time, when in reality it is I that is misusing time and responsible for saving work until the last minute because it's easier to stay focused because there is no other option.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose focus and stray off into a mental energy pull when faced with work that is not immediately due.

When and as I see myself moving away from my work, I stop I breathe and I give myself that moment to discover what is really going on here. I realize that I am compromising myself by allowing this participation in this energy and justifying it as valid or worth following without truly considering all the consequences. I commit myself to writing about resistances until I uncover what is behind each moment of allowed participation until I am undoubtedly self-directed in every moment within self-honesty.

When and as I see myself moving toward a time-waster when I am clearly avoiding work, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I really do not want to self-direct within responsibility in that moment, I must lay out an agreement for myself as some kind of strategy or plan to get back on track asap. Within this also, I commit myself to write about why I wasn't able to pull myself away from my time-waster. I commit myself to investigating all barriers to self-direction through writing.

When and as I see myself justifying delay because I certainly "will have enough time to complete it later," I stop I breathe. I realize that there is always more that can be done the self-honest responsibility of acting in the interest of what's best for all. I commit myself to practicing getting my daily-planned tasks done early, and giving myself the rest/break/reward after my duties are done instead of before.

When and as I see myself moving within an energy in relation to my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that even a positive experience toward work will have polar consequences and by simply directing myself through work within my breath is stable and will not need to be balanced out. I commit myself to investigating and developing my relationship with my breath so that I can recognize positive/negative relationship orientations toward work readily, stop them, and find a stability within self in relation to work.

Tomorrow when I wake, I commit myself to keep focused on my breath and my work pace. When and as I see the mental draw toward guilt-inducting time-wasting activities, I stop I breathe. I ask myself: Why? If? and How soon before I get back to my productive day plan. I realize that this process if a process and self-judgment is not supportive. I commit myself to supporting myself by stopping the judgement and thinking practically about my situation. I commit myself to catching when I move into a defeated character that just indulges in time-wasting so that I don't even have to face myself as/within being self-defeated.

I commit myself to "strength and honor."

I commit myself to stop hiding from myself. For example: No more repetitive indulgence to hide that I'm indulging. "Just one more video game round" "Just one more peanut butter cup" Just one more moment away from my work."

Whatever isn't clear, write. No more bs self-judgment -> back into same behavior repetition (i.e. fingernail biting) Grrr! < see, still self-judgment.

All for tonight. Thanks.