One Man's Journey to Life: one last time

Showing posts with label one last time. Show all posts

Day 176 - Point of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on within the same pattern of media consumption and ignoring my daily task list.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accentuate this point of change, believing it has a residual power that is larger than I, the creator of this internal conflict/friction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand equal as the point of change and with all associated energies that contribute to my downfall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not will myself to write about my limiting experience in that moment, and instead go deeper into delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am showing myself my accepted and allowed relationships through my habitual behavior patterns. I realize that I am my greatest teacher when I listen to my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be mindful of my habitual patterns, and when I am, I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept myself within it instead of stopping, breathing, and moving through the resistance in the point of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to follow the belief that "I have lots of time, I can do it later."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself in self-judgment for repeatedly falling into a familiar and undesirable habitual, physical pattern.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become equal and one with the point of change and all associated energies that contribute to the equation of my resulting behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to just go with the flow of my mind's desire, a.k.a., take the easy way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a fast learner to the point that I get frustrated with myself when I am not creating change within myself at a quick pace.

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When and as I see myself in self-judgment related to falling, failing, not learning quickly, or changing instantly, etc., I stop I breathe. I realize that my reaction toward myself is of mind and not assisting myself in standing one and equal with all parts and becoming the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to educating myself at a pace unrelated to anyone else's pace where in that I do not participate in reactions of being a (+)fast learner or a (-)slow learner.

When and as I see myself willingly accepting and allowing myself to waste my time without consideration of my daily responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that this only really occurs when I do not set a hard time-stop agreement that practically places a limitation on pass-times for myself. I commit myself to commence an action plan so that I know where I'm going next and know what to do when my self-agreed amount of fun-time is over, so that I may practically direct myself instead of just going "ah, just one more game."

When and as I see myself acting recklessly with my time, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a moment requiring brutal self-honesty to stand within and as self-change in relation to using time wisely. I commit myself to writing this behavior pattern our for myself to see clearly, disengage from it, and to continue to press on with this process of perfecting the self. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to hold myself back with feeling constructs that I do not understand. I commit myself to understanding all acceptances and allowances of/within my beingness and living the correction.

I commit myself to stabilize within the point of change, applying self-change effectively, and investigating when I do not.

openclipart

Day 169 - Got to get here quick! pt.5

I keep thinking about my afterthought from yesterday:

"It's truly fascinating to consider: how you spend your next breath is reflective of how you spend your entire life. Welcome Self-honesty."

Each breath is when I consider who I am in relation to every single breath, past and future. Current layers present themselves here in one breath's awareness of what's going on inside of me. For example: I have an urge to stop writing and play a silly time-wasting game, but I breathe and push myself to keep writing. This is a living self-direction, not instigated by a mental energy push or pull.

To stay on track and provide a concise version of what I was trying to capture yesterday and do the Self-Forgiveness on it, is less appealing than just moving on to the next point of how I want others to get here quick, but that will wait until tomorrow because today I push myself to stay focused and not hop around from point to point to point. This in itself is a point of anxiety, and it prevents me from writing out the depth that is required for me to really walk through a point in understanding and releasing it from existing as an automated function of my programmed beingness.

Ok, so yesterday I explained a bit about how I have been rushing through life and in that justifying procrastinating my day-to-day moments. It's time to work this out.

I'm finding my self still awkwardly participating in this. As I have been delaying the writing my self-forgiveness for this topic for the bulk of the day. It really is true how an open point is intensified..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind as self-doubt, believing that I won't be able to actually stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate this writing all day so that I would, again, be forced to finished during the final hour of the day.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize I've been compromising myself and my ability to freely accomplish much more by focusing on and delaying one point of work/application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an importance/significance/value onto a task such that I develop a resistance relationship toward it instead of simply directing myself through to completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify procrastination because I've planned to at least have whatever it is done by the deadline. This makes no sense. Why do I procrastinate simply because I can?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sense of my time perspective, and thus my awareness of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that each moment of every breath is indicative of who I am in relation to myself and my world. I can use this moment of awareness as a tool to self-discover my current program and stand up from within it to direct myself according to my will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and from that create a relationship of resistance toward particular, 'important' work and nonsensically delay it until I have to do it, ultimately ending up compromising my work by existing with "oh well, I did the best I could given the amount of time I had (given myself) to complete it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play as victim to time, when in reality it is I that is misusing time and responsible for saving work until the last minute because it's easier to stay focused because there is no other option.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose focus and stray off into a mental energy pull when faced with work that is not immediately due.

When and as I see myself moving away from my work, I stop I breathe and I give myself that moment to discover what is really going on here. I realize that I am compromising myself by allowing this participation in this energy and justifying it as valid or worth following without truly considering all the consequences. I commit myself to writing about resistances until I uncover what is behind each moment of allowed participation until I am undoubtedly self-directed in every moment within self-honesty.

When and as I see myself moving toward a time-waster when I am clearly avoiding work, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I really do not want to self-direct within responsibility in that moment, I must lay out an agreement for myself as some kind of strategy or plan to get back on track asap. Within this also, I commit myself to write about why I wasn't able to pull myself away from my time-waster. I commit myself to investigating all barriers to self-direction through writing.

When and as I see myself justifying delay because I certainly "will have enough time to complete it later," I stop I breathe. I realize that there is always more that can be done the self-honest responsibility of acting in the interest of what's best for all. I commit myself to practicing getting my daily-planned tasks done early, and giving myself the rest/break/reward after my duties are done instead of before.

When and as I see myself moving within an energy in relation to my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that even a positive experience toward work will have polar consequences and by simply directing myself through work within my breath is stable and will not need to be balanced out. I commit myself to investigating and developing my relationship with my breath so that I can recognize positive/negative relationship orientations toward work readily, stop them, and find a stability within self in relation to work.

Tomorrow when I wake, I commit myself to keep focused on my breath and my work pace. When and as I see the mental draw toward guilt-inducting time-wasting activities, I stop I breathe. I ask myself: Why? If? and How soon before I get back to my productive day plan. I realize that this process if a process and self-judgment is not supportive. I commit myself to supporting myself by stopping the judgement and thinking practically about my situation. I commit myself to catching when I move into a defeated character that just indulges in time-wasting so that I don't even have to face myself as/within being self-defeated.

I commit myself to "strength and honor."

I commit myself to stop hiding from myself. For example: No more repetitive indulgence to hide that I'm indulging. "Just one more video game round" "Just one more peanut butter cup" Just one more moment away from my work."

Whatever isn't clear, write. No more bs self-judgment -> back into same behavior repetition (i.e. fingernail biting) Grrr! < see, still self-judgment.

All for tonight. Thanks.

Day 144 - Sleepy Delay

A common resistance expression: yawn!

It happens when I am tired and facing a point that I do not want to face, and I allow the tiredness to take me away from whatever it is, and I lie on the floor....like now....

....

...the next day. Here I am. haha

(There is a pattern of going into the resistance of that which I am facing, like I should indulge in it one last time before I address it)

To the point: This is a consequence of delaying my responsibilities until the later parts of the night. So, the tiredness can be justified from one perspective of needing rest; however, there are times when I move into a napping position, justifying it as necessary, but the starting point movement is within the resistance of not wanting to face the point at hand. The delay that's earlier in the day leads into this delay point's acceptance. Enough delaying..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay points of responsibility for the night time within the ingrained habit of becoming serious with accomplishing work at that specific time because I can typically reserve it as 'alone time.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a more effective worker at specific times of the day, where I allow myself to delay responsibility until those times based within a moodyness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to dynamically adjust to work levels at any time, within the fresh starting point of any breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an excuse to not face a point, with the background thought that "I can do it later, and later may not ever come, so I may not have to face this point."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest with myself in hiding from me my true intentions of directing or not directing myself through a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can escape the stress of the today's moment here, by falling asleep, where upon waking I am no longer faced with the same point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that sleeping off a point as such, only suppresses it, and I will always, eventually have to face myself in relation to any particular point.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to better manage my time in the day so that I am not stuck with a large workload at the end of the day.

I commit myself to better managing my time throughout the day and from day to day.

When and as I see myself yawning and desiring to sleep instead of finishing a task I've saved for the nigh time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this diversion tactic is as effective as I allow. I commit myself to not allow myself to simply move to the floor for a "quick nap," and realize that this is a dishonest motion.

I commit myself to making stable agreements with myself in relation to when I accomplish work, so that if I am in fact too physically tired to keep writing, I will note where I am leaving off, intentionally fall asleep, and intentionally complete what I was doing when I wake and am ready to begin daily tasks.

I commit myself to no longer use sleep as a means to possibly escape a certain point through a dishonest attempt to sleep, break continuity, and keep moving on to other things.

I commit myself to working strong and only moving into sleep when it is not a manifestation of delay from being overwhelmed with not wanting to face a point such as reading, writing, editing, or anything work related. I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that sleeping will not make anything go away and rather only delay my progress in becoming self-responsible.

I commit myself to sleeping when it is necessary. And within that, I commit myself to not delay sleeping with the lack of acknowledging the consequences. I commit myself to keep understanding my delay points through writing until, I can be stable within my directive force of self, here. I commit myself to surely stop the mind's directive control through submitting to the easy way of escapism.

This is a tough point, but that's exactly what my mind wants me to think, so that I am less likely to take back the directive control of my life as life.

The various points of self in relation to sleeping requires further investigation. Stay tuned..