So, I have nice little serious going on here that started on Day 140, where I'm delaying responsibilities for various reasons. Responsibilities are defined as anything that necessarily supports me to be stable. Chasing an energetic experience is not being responsible with self, self in relation to self and others. So, avoiding my responsibility to self, like my responsibility to be self-honest within "Am I supporting what's best for me AND ALL, or am I letting this energy direct me into what's apparently in my self-interest, where I allow me to compromise self as all as me. And that's kinda of a big thing. Like, I imagine myself to be all, and if I am directing myself, I have a lot of work to do. Many atrocities in the world to be corrected, and those as me, mean I can correct the problem by aligning with best-for-all.So it comes down to best-for-all or not, and accidentally wasting a whole day playing video games because I thought I had enough time to eventually get to my responsibilities, is self-compromise. Now, in this case, I did get around to typing this entry before 11pm, but had I finished it in the morning with a simple "No" to the impulse to play video games for that "feel-goodness" of winning...that's another point....had I finished it, I could be doing more work until I go to sleep, ideally. Agreeing with myself to play an hour of video games is chill, but I'm being dishonest with myself when I sit down to play, because I'm avoiding/resisting letting go. Of what?
Today, I allowed myself to play video game in the early part of the day in part because I knew that I intend to writing this point through self-forgiveness today. Self-forgiveness is scary like that, like looking into a black hole as the end of a particular characteristic of myself. "I don't want to never play video games again in the mornings. Could I even do that? It's too hard." But as I work with the writing to get my thoughts out (like I've been doing this whole time, flowing), I end up writing more than I want, but it's out. I can take a breath and see myself right here in my words. For instance, this whole entry so far is all thoughts that take time to think, and by typing them out, they're all here at once. This whole point and the related thoughts are here in one stream of expression (I can't wait to get over what ever fears are stopping me from vlogging!) So, getting my thoughts physicalized is really supportive because now I can work with self-forgiveness and corrective application to produce real change of self, utilizing self-honesty to see when I fall (i.e. fall into self-judgement = not supportive of self/all)
Also, I wanted to mention that even as I sat down to write this out, i used a candy bar to delay facing the point for just a bit longer :)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am compromising self/other/all by moving with the energy of resistance into delay, instead of me directing me to do as I please, which is assuredly what's best for all, which is currently effectively supporting self towards stability for the end result of standing as effective support for all.
...haha, 2-3 hours later, I am back at the computer typing this. This is a case of resistance through this point that I'm facing in writing. I want to be done with delay and jump-start a superman work ethic. This want is contradictory to my past behavior, and is creating mental friction (a.k.a. Cognitive Dissonance, as I define as behavior inconsistent with beliefs about behavior, like smoking cigarettes and believing you shouldn't) that I believe is fueling my related thoughts of fear and self-judgement. So, I'm going to keep at this as to not let my fear of failure direct me away from being effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing within addressing my delay points and allowing delay to ensue.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastinating because I have enough time to also get done what I intend to get done, missing how this is causing me to produce less in general.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing about delay within and as the fear of the end, as the end of procrastination and so half-purposefully allowed myself to procrastinate as it being my last chance to freely indulge in reckless delay.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself within work by positively charging the delay behavior outlets. (to be expanded on in blogs to follow)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of delaying a responsibility/task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay because "I can."
When and as I see myself moving into allowed delay because I think I have enough time to do so, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is always more I could be doing, so any form of delay is compromising my work output when the whole picture is taken into consideration. I commit myself to taking a moment to consider ALL the consequences of delaying the task in mind, such as a relative productivity assessment between working hard first, playing later vs. carelessly playing first, and later working too hard (to produce less quality work).
I commit myself to realizing how I allow myself to compromise myself within delay. I commit myself to not judge myself and further compromise my work ethic. I commit myself to standing within my corrective application statements, equal and one.
I commit myself to delay within common sense and self-honesty ONLY.
When and as I see myself allowing a decision of delay to direct me, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a mind energy and that if investigated I may be able to specifically locate the resistance and release the fear program with self-forgiveness. I commit myself to be serious with myself. I commit myself to be true to myself. I commit myself to effectively addressing one point at a time, so that I do not get overwhelmed and move into delay.
I commit myself to returning the directive power of myself to myself, in part by longer accepting deceptive time concepts to allow the system of delay to run rampant.
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