I assure you mother, this is not my plan. Haha. And I am not doing nothing. I'm working on honest self-perfection. Not to some standard or notion of what perfection is. Rather, I'm writing for myself.
What does it mean to write for self?
"...self-writing is the process of walking oneself out of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions and into the physical, as you write out your inner chatter, reactions, and your physical behaviors, your inner most secrets, shame, guilt – all of it! You reveal it all and consequently allow yourself to let it go – and you open up the door for self-correction, self-creation and the eventual stand of yourself as self-perfection; it all starts with writing."
This quote is taken from the Self-Writing - Destonian Wiki webpage. I've included it to clarify how I'm not just sitting around doing nothing, rotting in my parent's home. I'm busy. This process of writing self to freedom is anything but passive.
The above perspective is how I've justified spending time at home in my mind. The problem: I've not yet clearly communicated that with my parents. And that leaves both parties looking towards our minds for the likely interpretation of what going on in the other's head. This is where the point of self-honesty comes in. I can't allow this back-chatter outflow if I'm going to be honest with myself and so too others. Without stable, written or spoken, agreements on the terms of our relationship in the context of the issue that is the "elephant in the room," we back-chat and build up suppressions until we come to resent each other. This is my primary fear in relation to my mother, and I now realize that if I stand-up within the principle of self-honesty, I won't accept or allow myself to escalate it to that point. So the fear is of self not doing what's best for all (aka failure). * Move this through SF (see below). Back to my story.
One of the first things I mentioned to my mother this morning had to do with the job interview call. In the background of my head, I had a building anger towards her for pressuring me to get conventional job. This was expressed as I blamed her for the 'negative' position I now find myself in, saying to her "I'm going just to entertain myself," that I wasn't serious about taking the job and that I wouldn't be dealing with this if YOU weren't "pressuring me to get a conventional job."
She responded very wisely in saying, "you're feeling the pressure, don't put this on me." And I immediately ignored her and went on to explain the justification I've long built up within me and that had come to define my expression. HERE is the moment of self-honesty. Typically, I would let my thoughts swirl on within the emotional heated train of justifying my feelings, haha. Today was different.
Today, I pushed myself to speak up in and apologize for blaming her. I followed by explaining how I realized that she was right about me creating the feeling of pressure, but my realization went deeper: I realized that I was acting out from from the repressed, back-chat anger I had toward her for that had been accumulating. I expressed this to her, in so many words, but I had not finished the realization (& explanation) of how I can bring this back to myself.
Bringing what I see back on me, looks like I have anger towards self. I was projecting it onto her. And by being honest-with myself, lead to sharing my realization with my mom, which later-now opened up even deeper with the realization of self-anger.
A list of points and the process of specific self-forgiveness and corrective application statements will commence tomorrow.