Day 180 - Attempting to do Too Much at Once

Wow! OK. So, when I drink coffee, especially, I try to do lots of things at once. What ends up happening is a multitude of distractions and side tasks that commence, and I often take much longer to get to what I intended to do from the beginning. This is delay/procrastination, but also an ADD-like symptom of needing to always be doing something. Also, I see avoidance in how I took 3 hours doing side-tasks before I finally got to sit and write about this very design playout. Interesting how every time I face a point in me, it becomes intensified, as if to make it more clear for myself or become discouraged and submissive to it. Ah ha!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged and submissive when a personality design becomes accentuated and intensified as I begin to examine it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from particular personality designs and places them as greater and more powerful than myself, and so I submit.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as one and equal with each personality design that's amalgamated within me.
--
So this is kind of a big, primary design for me. I wrote about it on Day 2! The point of multitasking...I find that it mostly begins because of a lack of patience or willingness to wait even a single moment. If I'm not doing something I need to be doing something. Anxious to be efficient.

In the moment I make a decision to act, sometimes I don't even allow myself the time to commence. I just have another thought and move on that one. I've dealt with this for a long time, so it's no wonder that I'm still struggling with this point. It's pervasive and intrusive...and here I am separating myself from "it" again, apparently.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my anxious personality in separation of myself where I perceive it as more than, or in control of, me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself as this anxious character.
--
So, what will it take to stay focused? Ah, yes. There is a notable fear of forgetfulness. It's like I'm consumed by fear that I'll forget the new, secondary task, so mindlessly, I start doing that to get it done or at least started. The problem is that this can happen repeatedly and before I know it, I've not even started the primary intention/task and several hours have past by.

pic credit

I get overwhelmed just thinking about trying to get myself habitually on track and focused. It's not been my favored mode of existence, since...(1st memory to mind) doing math in the third grade. I enjoyed the concentration and simplicity and competitiveness to be done with my problem set first. So what's the difference (heheh, like subtraction) between my attention cohesion then and now?

I think that the key component to this equation is perceived simplicity/complexity. Rudimentary math has a clear answer, while this self-purification process seems highly complex. In reality, it may be extensive and quite involved, but the solution is simple: Self-honesty and self-forgiveness. Hmm, why then does self-change seem so hard to do? I could come up with a ton of reasons, but they're all just excuses...fascinating.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive process from the perspective of difficulty instead of breathing and realizing that I MUST walk one point at a time, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not remember to do the secondary tasks, and that I have not allowed myself to simply write it down and bring my focus back to the primary task.

That is the key. If all I did was commit myself to write down what comes to mind and act only within the direction that I have already set out for myself, I will have overcome this tendency to allow the mind to direct me. This is too extensive for one commitment to be simply stated. I have more to explore before I can seriously commit myself to this application. I do not want to create a bunch of compounding consequence of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to uphold my commitments, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to make a commitment from an energetic starting point instead of investigating and clearing the relationship(s) to make a stable choice of self-direction that stands throughout all of time.
--
When and as I see myself moving from task to task, within and before completing my primary task, I stop I breathe. I realize this is my mind within an avoidance/ADD pattern. I commit myself to recognizing and becoming well acquainted with this dimension of myself. When and as it becomes unbearable, I remember to breathe. I understand what it is to be the self-directive principle. I commit myself to writing where & why I allow secondary tasks to commence with a dismissal of my previous & primary direction.

For the most part, I am still opening up my relationship to "Attention Deficit Disorder" (not that I actually think I have a "disorder" that needs treatment in the form of pills. I have the tools of self-forgiveness and breath to help me focus and permanently change my attitude/attention as my work ethic). Chipping away, one bite at a time, no more running, here I go! :)

Day 165 - Got to get here quick!

I was in a rush to drive somewhere today. Had to get there by 2, it was 1:44 and an estimated 20 minutes away. I did my normal 'rushed' routine to make up the time by driving faster and biting my nails. Having just written about stress last night, I stopped and took a breath. Actually, I found that taking that conscious breath helped to stop my energetically focused nail biting. It's cool that the stress behind my nail biting habit is opened up, because I'm ready to keep at this point and actually clear this pattern of literal self-consumption out of nervousness/anxiousness.

I noticed myself in the car, I stopped, and started speaking self-forgiveness. Much like:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails because I am afraid I won't be able to get there on time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this habit does not get me there faster. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get involved in the energy of hurriedness/haste, not realizing that I can only go as fast as humanly possible.

It was the realization I am limited by my external environment that calmed me down. It's crazy to think that stressing out will somehow make me faster than what's practically, most efficient. So, I drove fast, but not too fast, nor reckless.

Within all of this I realized that I habitually bite my nails when hurried and stressed. That's not the only dimension, but it sure is a significant one. When I was typing the title of this post, I realized that it's not only trying to get there quick, but also trying to get here quick. In other words, I am generally anxious to get this process over with. (My mind just raced through 3-4 thoughts really fast)

1. I've created a rushed character in separation of myself here

2. I'm generally anxious/rushed to get to point B.

3. Whenever I am learning something, I tend to bite my nails (anxious to integrate knowledge...hmm)

4. the #3 thought, has been extensively participated within...so much so, that I have to write more about it. All day I open up points, what?!

Throughout school, I bite and learn, bite and learn, learn while biting, bite while learning. Why? The first stable thought to mind is that sense of multitasking, where I can get my nails taken care of at the same time that I'm using my mental dimension...herein, I've automated the nail biting process from a starting point of anxiety: "not waiting until I got home to use my nail clippers for a proper self-manicure." This form of anxiety was easily and quickly justified at an early age. It made sense.

Ok, and now I'm opening up too many dimensions and feeling the onset of overwhelmed. *Takes a breath* Begin:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify biting my nails because it is time efficient multitasking for when I want to learn.

I've always been driven to learn fast...not sure when that started. I'll come back to this point eventually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails when I am unable to move faster / fast enough, out of fearing that I will fail in reaching a deadline or destination quickly enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeatedly give up on myself after I start chewing, and allow myself to continue with the abnormally accentuated desire to chew nail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my nail biting character, submit directive control to, and not stand not equal within and as it so that I may take responsibility for effective change. I commit myself to slowly disengage from this habit, locating every relevant memory and flag pointing each self-judgement, until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move within the energy of haste while driving. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see the stressful energy expenditure personality that effectively does nothing to get me to my destination faster. I stop I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to yellow lights in frustration for halting my momentum, and in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money as it takes more gas to get up to speed. Relax Dan. All in due time...ah,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spawn a bunch of what if thoughts while driving, effectively stressing myself out for not being 'there' 'then' when "I could have, if only I had..."

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated on the road, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are only a handful of relevant points to driving: gas, brake, steering, rules, and vectors of external objects. I commit myself to realizing when I am participating in thoughts and energy that do not serve me while driving.

When and as I see myself becoming hurried when I am running a bit late while driving, I stop I breathe. I realize this energy of haste for what it is, I stop it. I commit myself to taking a breath and noting how my mind wanders and which energies I begin to participate in while my thoughts run wild. I commit myself to making a habit of speaking self-forgiveness aloud while in the car where I am not restricted by any external personalities..

When I am alone, I have no motive to maintain face or uphold a particular personality. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be me while in the midst of others. I commit myself to begin slowly getting comfortable saying self-forgiveness out loud in the presence of others, especially when it flows with the conversation / is appropriate within the context of what's here.

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed while I open up as many points as I did today, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can stay organized in my side journal and that it is important to stay focused on one point at a time so that I can effectively clear my charges toward it instead of half-ass escaping from the individual responsibility of each dynamic. I realize there are many, many, many, many points I've separated myself from through relating to them. I commit myself to slowing down in my breath, and taking one step at a time.

I commit myself to driving moment to moment, staying here while in the car, and when I don't, to note and explore the point through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to effective planning for traveling such that I do not put myself in rushed positions, and when I do, make note of it for future prevention.

open clip art

Day 163 - Time Dimension: Nail Biting

Continuing with the theme of planning/time/delay, I would like to further investigate and open up how I am relating with Time. There is a lot going on so, I'm just going to start ranting. Enjoy!

First to mind: Nail biting = delay in so many ways. I have received feedback along the lines that biting nails = halting self-expansion. Personally, I believe my nail biting stems largely from a worry or fear of not enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious at the thought that there isn't enough time to figure/sort it all out and reach the goal or successful completion of anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mindlessly enter into the anxious state of chewing my nails, and disregard the physical reality: my breath and my actual nails/flesh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and receive psychological comfort within biting my nails.

Now, I realize the nail biting as an outlet for the anxiety. What is the source of the anxious orientation to time?  In my DIP lesson material, I am discovering common trigger point of the energy of haste and how it doesn't actually serve me. My whole life, I've utilized that "fire under the ass" to do what NEEDS to be done. Typical design is procrastinate until there is no time left. This way I don't ever have to push myself to do anything. I just relax while confidently assuming my anxious state will take care of things later, haha.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within the energy of haste, where I direct the responsibility of completing a task into that very last moment when I can possibly complete it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize this separation and take responsibility for my work within every moment of possibility.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to go off into my mind within haste energy or anxiety, effectively separating myself from my breath where I can most effectively apply myself in completing a task.

When and as I see myself biting my nails while anxious about completing some work, I stop I breathe. I realize this as an energy participation of mind that is self-limiting. I take responsibility for my decision to bite my nails, use it as an indicator for energy participation, and I forgive myself for the specific entry point into that energy. I commit myself to recognizing the break in continuity that exists when my time orientation jumps forward and energy takes hold of my beingness.

When and as I see myself prioritizing 'nail maintenance' when I am attempting to do work, I stop, breathe, and realize that this is a form of delay and general neglect of who I want to be in that moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction within me by placing myself where I do not want to be (i.e. nail biting), and releasing that friction-energy of cognitive dissonance by getting frustrated at myself. I commit myself to simply stop, breathe and no longer separate myself by getting anger at myself. Obviously, self-anger is separation. I am anger towards me. It takes two selves to stand in anger towards a part of me. Stop it. Here, I am one. I chose to bite my nails. I stop biting my nails. Simple.

Tomorrow, I will continue with more detail of the anxious energy that spawns the nail biting outlet. Tonight I continue with self-investigation in my side-journal, and you will see the results through straight up Self-For'gift'ness and corrective application statements. C ya.

Day 148 - Layers of projection dug up with Self-honesty

Having been taking a closer look at what self-honesty is in application, I'm finding some cool stuff! Today, I wok up with a call from an interviewer for one of those jobs that takes me nowhere I want to be going, one that's for the money. I got the lead for the job through my mother referring me to my neighbor, and for awhile now, my mom has been applying pressure to get my feet on the ground and earning a living. I assume she has a fear of me not doing anything and living at home for a long time.

I assure you mother, this is not my plan. Haha. And I am not doing nothing. I'm working on honest self-perfection. Not to some standard or notion of what perfection is. Rather, I'm writing for myself.

What does it mean to write for self?

"...self-writing is the process of walking oneself out of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions and into the physical, as you write out your inner chatter, reactions, and your physical behaviors, your inner most secrets, shame, guilt – all of it! You reveal it all and consequently allow yourself to let it go – and you open up the door for self-correction, self-creation and the eventual stand of yourself as self-perfection; it all starts with writing."

This quote is taken from the Self-Writing - Destonian Wiki webpage. I've included it to clarify how I'm not just sitting around doing nothing, rotting in my parent's home. I'm busy. This process of writing self to freedom is anything but passive.

The above perspective is how I've justified spending time at home in my mind. The problem: I've not yet clearly communicated that with my parents. And that leaves both parties looking towards our minds for the likely interpretation of what going on in the other's head. This is where the point of self-honesty comes in. I can't allow this back-chatter outflow if I'm going to be honest with myself and so too others. Without stable, written or spoken, agreements on the terms of our relationship in the context of the issue that is the "elephant in the room," we back-chat and build up suppressions until we come to resent each other. This is my primary fear in relation to my mother, and I now realize that if I stand-up within the principle of self-honesty, I won't accept or allow myself to escalate it to that point. So the fear is of self not doing what's best for all (aka failure). * Move this through SF (see below). Back to my story.

One of the first things I mentioned to my mother this morning had to do with the job interview call. In the background of my head, I had a building anger towards her for pressuring me to get conventional job. This was expressed as I blamed her for the 'negative' position I now find myself in, saying to her "I'm going just to entertain myself," that I wasn't serious about taking the job and that I wouldn't be dealing with this if YOU weren't "pressuring me to get a conventional job."

She responded very wisely in saying, "you're feeling the pressure, don't put this on me." And I immediately ignored her and went on to explain the justification I've long built up within me and that had come to define my expression. HERE is the moment of self-honesty. Typically, I would let my thoughts swirl on within the emotional heated train of justifying my feelings, haha. Today was different.

Today, I pushed myself to speak up in and apologize for blaming her. I followed by explaining how I realized that she was right about me creating the feeling of pressure, but my realization went deeper: I realized that I was acting out from from the repressed, back-chat anger I had toward her for that had been accumulating. I expressed this to her, in so many words, but I had not finished the realization (& explanation) of how I can bring this back to myself.

Bringing what I see back on me, looks like I have anger towards self. I was projecting it onto her. And by being honest-with myself, lead to sharing my realization with my mom, which later-now opened up even deeper with the realization of self-anger.

A list of points and the process of specific self-forgiveness and corrective application statements will commence tomorrow.