Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior

This is a core concept that we study in the Desteni Group: How have we automated ourselves as human beings. It's a multidimensional point to look at because firstly there is the mind/body/awareness distinction, there's the unity amongst them, and there are the many layers of logic/emotion within the mind itself. Briefly, who we are is all three, but the distinction can be described as that awareness being who we are, enslaved by the past and future constructs of mind, with the body being our physical expression from which the mind generates or resources all it's energy from. It's like our physical body is a battery for the mental reality, just like in the Matrix! Here's an example of some Desteni material that actually illustrates this point and touches on what I'm going to elaborate on now.

The multi-layered mind holds within it a long history of decisions. We store many memories for the sole purpose of making future decisions easier. This process happens on various levels of consciousness, but primarily we integrate many decision frameworks on a subconscious level in childhood. We continue the process on a more conscious level later one, but the big kicker here is that our conscious decisions are built on the foundation of the subconscious layers. Big surprise: the basic motivations in making these decisions on all the conscious levels are based on avoiding pain and gaining pleasure; fear and desire.

So we've spent our whole lives automating our behaviors, our personalities, our entire perception of reality through a lens of fear and desire within self-interest. The Desteni principle of moving this starting point of self-interest into a starting point of best for all, is merely an act of compassion, integrity, and common sense really. I want what's best for all, but my preexisting mind programs that I've so carefully created to benefit me all those years of my past require an equal care to disengage and realign with my new decision to live by the best for all principle.

Now, putting this all into real life examples, and sharing with you how this point opened up for me. I have yet to stabilize my relationship to the nail biting habit, and I was doing well by not biting them at all for a week, in part because a friend saw my facebook post about breaking this habit and decided he'd strike up a conversation with me about it. We ended the conversation in an agreement to be a support for each other in stopping this obsessive habit. The day we were to speak again, I made a decision that changed everything..

I started to bite one of my nails, I stopped, I thought about what I was about to continue doing, I thought about it more, then I thought about the solution of not doing it AS I CONTINUED TO BITE. As you can see here, I fell. This playout was not a 'stop and breathe' movement. It was a stop and think movement. Interestingly, what really brought my attention to this point was how during the moment I was thinking about the solution and continuing to bite at the same time, my right ear started ringing. I referenced some of the desteni perspectives that I've come across in the past few years to relate the ringing to a misalignment in the structural/physical (right side) 'here' (h-ear) moment, which resonated really well. I was ignoring the physical correction that needed to be put into action in that here-moment.

For the next several days, I continued biting my nails, and I continued investigating the importance of that single moment of accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails, here. I was 'here' with me and my thoughts as I decided to continue biting. This was the moment that I automated an unwanted behavior.

What a silly thing to do. Why would I do that? It's moments like this, where the mind holds contradictions and yet directs us to pay attention to the just the information that suits our immediate desire/fear.

The solution: To stand back up, and begin again with the process of accumulating physical memories of asserting my self-direction with the relationship I have toward the nail biting habit. There are many dimensions of many contexts for which this solution is applicable. We create our reality. I created this relationship to nail biting primarily from a fear starting point of having a nail get ripped off in some freak accident with a screen door slamming shut (memory of this happening to my brother). I see, realize and understand that this relationship, born of fear, does not serve what is in the best interest of all, and thus, I must recreate my mental framework, layer by layer, until I am stable in relation to my nails.

Tomorrow I will continue with the self-forgiveness and corrective application writings. Still to come, How to Program Yourself and Automate Wanted Behaviors.

Day 279 - Thumb Sucka

credit

Yesterday, I ended my post with a postscript as a note to self to go back and investigate the relationship between my nail biting habit and my early childhood thumb sucking habit. No time like the present.

Today, I was half aware and proactively examining my nail biting behavior while at the cinema. I did noticed that there was a factor of comfort that I haven't really been aware of in my past considerations of this habit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make the connection between my nail biting habit and my previous thumb sucking habit, never realizing that I maintaining the habit of comfort I received from this posture/behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that I have become orally fixated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thinks that I will stop my nail biting habit sometime in the future, not realizing how placing a future date on self-change directs self-responsibility to change self away from here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to wait until I am more able to take on a point that I believe is too deeply ingrained for me to be able to effectively address now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear change and will make up nearly an excuse to avoid self-responsibility, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to comfort myself within nail biting and not realize this as a reactive starting point to something I found makes me uncomfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate what drives me to discomfort when and as I bite my fingernails.

When and as I see myself biting my nails, I stop I breathe, and I hold that in-breath for 4 counts. I realize my responsibility of self-direction in that moment. I commit myself to understanding that I will only ever break this habit through applied self-will in every moment.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed with a sense that I cannot take on such a deep seated point as nail biting or thumb sucking, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the only person who can take on any points I discover within myself. I also realize that I am the one allowing myself to fear/resist self-change. I commit myself to identifying and breathing through the self-change fear as an experience of resistance.

When and as I see myself feeling fidgety with a desire to chew on my nails or surrounding skin, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I really breathe through this desire, I will prevent myself from entering another nail biting timeloop. I commit myself to repeatedly act within this principle of awareness of self, as who self is as thought, word and deed. As I practice applying my breath awareness, I become increasingly self-directive within and as my breath. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to bite my nails through suppressing my self, my will, my life, my decision to live and understand my automation so that I may walk the correction in moving myself into alignment with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time biting my nails.

To Be Continued

Day 278 - The History of a Nail Biter

Continued from Day 277 - Expansion and Growth

Yesterday, I opened up a few new perspectives to what's going on behind my nail biting habit. Today, I'm going to explore the major components as memories in my past that supported the nail biting character.

Going back to my past there are a few moments that stand out in relation to my decision to chew my nails. The most prominent memory was seeing my brother's fingernail get ripped off in a screen door accident.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape who I am through a fear of pain from having my fingernail ripped off.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to bite my nails even since I've realized that I repeatedly manifesting the nail pain that I fear through biting/clipping my fingernails too short.

The second memory that stands out is a vague remembrance of the thought that long fingernails are are feminine/girly and that was a risk to my social status. Striving to be cool and accepted back in elementary school was a challenge point that has largely shaped my socialization process throughout my life thus far.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how others might judge me if I were to have long fingernails, not realizing that I am actually judging myself within this.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being perceived as feminine, and in this compromising my reputation and ability to be accepted and liked by others, particularly females.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and create a relationship of dislike toward the image of having long fingernails as a male.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the picture representation of myself.
• I realize that I've constructed an archive of pictures connected to meanings within my mind for the purpose of comparison and positioning myself as ego.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my physical image to others, not realizing that the only purpose herein is to serve my ego by relative self-definition.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my ego-self-definition is 

The third significant component to my nail biting was a personality I created through backchat of comparative spite toward my brother. In our younger years, one of his key defenses against me was scratching me. I absolutely hated when he did it. Exactly why, I do not know, but definitely in part because I couldn't make it fair by scratching him back. Within this, a need for things to be fair between us was an internal reality that I enforced to the extent of my ability. Back then, I didn't care to be honest with myself about how unfairly I was treating him. I would throw a fit when he would get the best of me, I digress. I would also ridicule him in the context of the above (2nd memory) point to attempt to control him, to validate my fear/perspective. So, this was just a point I would think about that contributed to justification of biting my nails. It served primarily to increase the separation between my brother and I so I could build my ego up. Shucks.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself before my brother in such a way that I would construct a false confidence within me by putting him down and separating myself from him.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and not consider the consequences of my words and actions from his shoes.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the way I treated him was okay because "I only wanted the best for him" and would try to induce behavior change in him with derogatory insults.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails through a belief/backchat that it would make me superior to my brother.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define long fingernails as negative and worthy of ridicule within myself and with-out into my world.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my nail biting habit to achieve a mental superiority complex, not realizing how I am compromising myself, my brother, and our relationship.

The fourth and final point that comes up when I think back to why I originally started this habit is convenience. It was more convenient to just bite my nails, rather than go through the process of manicuring myself.

• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my relationship to self-maintenance and hygiene within difficulty.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails as a shortcut to practical hygiene, not realizing in self-honesty that this form of substitution is actually rather unhygienic.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer shortcuts and compromise to being thorough and honest with myself.

This post is an excavation of the historical justifications that I used while implementing the nail biting behavior. There is still more to be investigated within this point. As I walk this process of stopping my fingernail snacking through writing, I am strengthening my awareness of when I start to bite. I'm not going to make the same miss-take as I had before by imposing an expectation of myself of which I can fail and go into a depressive state of giving up on myself. I breathe, I walk. I develop self-honesty and stability as I sort myself out and apply myself to change myself.

I realize that there is nothing inherently wrong with biting fingernails. I have automated this behavior and infused anxiety such that it had become an unconscious outlet of my anxious state. I commit myself to persist in uprooting this nail biting habit to reveal to myself the nature of my mental programming. With this information, I commit myself to apply it practically through self-forgiveness and the process of thorough self-change.

Average appearance for over a decade

P.S. Yesterday, I also mentioned the relationship to nail biting as a potential alternate form of the thumb sucking habit that I "stopped"earlier on. Re-investigate this point later on.

Thanks reader!

Day 277 - Expansion and Growth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear growing and becoming more responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear, not realizing how I'm holding myself back from growing and expanding my self expression through fearing fear and fearing myself as fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I might find by expanding myself through self-honesty.

credit

I've realized some interestingly resilient resistance when it comes to self-change and ending some of those deeply ingrained habits. In particular, I am thinking about my nail biting habit that I keep turning away from. I have heard that biting fingernails is related to limiting self-growth/expansion. It makes sense from a literal perspective, and also from a psyche consideration. I begin nibbling whenever I am nervous, anxious, and/or fearful of a future oriented event, and through this frightfulness, I limit my range of expression to a mere quandary. It's like I shell up to to protect myself/ego from that which I fear. Finger tip to mouth is a closed posture, related to thumb sucking (which I also did)...and I overcame that through a reward system my parents had placed for me...oh dear.

I wasn't at all planning on this connection.  When I was really young, I stopped sucking my thumb so I could get the Grape Escape board game I saw on the television (commercial). All I had to do was stop the habit for 30 days, which took the visual form of placing gold stars on a calendar. I was excited for my prize, and each day I was motivated to get a gold star. Years later, the 'door opened up' for me to revive my oral fixation when the screen door closed on my brother's hand. His fingernail ripped right off, effectively traumatizing me. This vivid childhood memory has been what I thought was the start of this nail biting habit, but not I see there is more to it than just one incident. I also recall the thought that having long nails was a feminine attribute, deeming ridicule as valid. I also resented each moment when my brother would scratch me.

So, I have a lot more now to work with in relation to the nail biting point. Another point I wanted to make: The 'interestingly resilient resistance' that I've been experiencing in relation to stopping my habit is, in part, due to trying to take on too much at once by looking at the point from a distant perspective. I visualize it as standing up over a 5 foot diameter, 2 inch regression in the dirt, and I need to keep digging this hole until it's at least 4 feet deep. It also feels like I've been using the Self-Forgiveness trowel, and I really need to pick up the SF spade and begin shoveling more effectively. And by that I mean I can be using self-forgiveness more effectively by getting specific and thorough, instead of quick and general. I've been more of a big picture guy, so maybe that's another reason I resist getting into the nitty gritty. 

Back to my original point: (fear of) growth and expansion.  Nail biting is but one physical form of this fear. The internal resistance I feel in relation to putting myself 'out there' falls under this umbrella as well. I realize that the only effective way to deal with all of this is by focusing on one scoop at a time. 

Key points:

• Nail biting is just the surface conception or physical manifestation of what's going in relation to my fear of expansion and growing into self-responsibility
• Ending habits within a reward system has consequences:
• habit is transformed; not actually stopped through understanding and self-will
• strengthens relationship to being externally motivated, instead of internally self-willed
• Self-Honesty & Self-Forgiveness are keys to Self-change. Self-Will is using the key.
• Resistance flag point
• check if point is too general. "What else is going on within this?"
• check for fear of self-expansion. "What do I fear here? Why?"

I'll continue with self-forgiveness and corrective application tomorrow.

For now, I'm going to re-read my nail biting support from the Desteni forum here: Establishing Self-Trust to Stop Serious Habits. Thanks for being here to read me.

Day 229 - Self-initiated post about Nail Biting

In my past blog posts about nail biting, I was reacting to my nail biting. It was kinda of a self-anger that pushed me to write so that I could stop. The curious thing here is that I have always cycled between desire to pull away a thread of nail with my teeth (I know, weird), and the frustration of pain when I've take too much. From the physical pain or the pity pain from looking at my unattractive nails, I move into self-anger, and a desire to change / a frustration that I haven't or won't or can't.

So, with this post I am writing about nails on my own will. I realize that there are a ton of points within nail biting that contribute to this addiction, so I must disentangle the net gradually. But if I don't write, I won't build the foundation that I need to stop this cycle between enjoyment/desire of biting vs. anger/pain of biting too much.

Haha, as if! - flickr cred

And begin:

I realize that there are layers to nail biting and that this habit is much more than just nail biting. Sometimes it's merely an outlet for anxiety, and what triggers that anxiety require their own, yet integrated, investigation. Sometimes I commence a chewing motion because I feel roughness or even just feeling the length of my nails causes a reaction within me. It's interesting how strong this reaction is, that even when I am conscious, I will still consciously move my hand to my mouth to "fix" the problem.

That last sentence brings up two points: 1) I often begin biting my nails within a reaction that seems to skip my conscious awareness. 2) I believe that I can fix my nail roughness/impurity, by biting. When in reality, it is the biting that causes the roughness/impurity.

Both very interesting dynamics. They're like riddles that I comprehend, but haven't yet solved. It really does often seem like I just suddenly become aware that I am biting my nails after 5-40 seconds of doing so, but common sense tells me that I am my body and I am aware of me. So in order to not consciously aware of the nail biting movement, I must be suppressing a subtle moment of decision. And this moment has become subtle through my repetitive participation. It's very much like I have encoded myself, and the decision to bite is already made. That leads me to consider if this internal battle to stop biting my nails is even real.

This interview Only this ONE last Time... on EQAFE was my first exposure to the perspective of that internal battle/friction that arises when trying to stop a habit. I recommend it to anyone addicted to anything that's trying to stop. There is a lot of additional perspective I have received through all of the Desteni material and from the community on the forums. The concept of self-honesty is widely applicable and quite the challenge to master. The goal of this entire Journey to Life is to build self-trust and become self-honest within every breath. From there, common sense (that which is Best for All) is more easily applied.

My nail biting habit requires dishonesty because my starting point is not pure. I have all kinds of reactions and suppression that are buried within it. And it's not so much that the nail biting in itself is 'bad.' One of the more helpful realizations I picked up from Desteni and keep coming back to is:

It's not what you do, it's who you are within it.

So the challenge of self-honesty is accepted. And through self-forgiveness, I will unravel and reveal my decision processes that I have suppressed into my subconscious. With an accumulated perspective, insight, awareness of self, I move myself through and into self-change.

Okay. I have found my ground, and will begin to dig in the posts to come. The nail biting point is going to be walked thoroughly because I'm serious. It's time to start working with the character dimensions :)

Day 226 - Nail Biting: Failure

OK, I'm going to dispel a layer of resistance I've been facing with regards to my nail biting habit. Since my first attempt to stop biting my nails 210 days ago (damn), I've experienced a limiting shame, discouragement, and embarrassment associated with failing in the stopping of my nail biting habit. I have been delaying returning to the point because I've been waiting for some external help, knowledge, or just becoming more effective with my self-forgiveness.

And that's another point, I blamed my ineffectiveness on my weakness within self-forgiveness. Man, that's an ugly sentence. And the one following shows how my shame has been limiting me in refacing this point. AND that sentence show's my reluctance still yet to take responsibility for myself. I blame the shame, and go into delay. It's a 'mental route,' if you will, that leads me back into enslavement. I'm beginning to grasp just how dangerous blame can be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through manifesting my fear of failure by allowing my participation within the emotions of shame, embarrassment and discouragement, I have been justifying my reluctance to face this point more thoroughly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unmotivated to continue my investigation of my nail biting because of how I think others would see me as a failure, or "taking too long" or "writing too much" about this point of nail biting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by being honest with my self here, I am able to really walk this point in the necessary depth it will take to be effective, and in the process, other's may read the detail of my story How I actually stopped biting my nails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of going deeper into my mental patterns and habits because of a fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and justify the thought "If I am thorough, and fail, I am screwed."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am manifesting failure through the fear of failure based thought "If I really try hard, and fail, I am hopeless and all I've worked at through self-forgiveness is pointless." Ok, this is opening up. Amazing to actually see what self is thinking by placing it into writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the time to become intimate with myself through writing exploration of the various surface points that come up in relation to the "big" points that seem "impossible" to deal with. In this, I realize that I have not permitted myself a real shot because I want change to happen now, instantly, fast.

Realizing also, that I did in fact have backchat thoughts toward my initial attempt to stop nail biting on Day 14, 15 & 16; which was something like, "I'll span this one out over 3 whole days, so then it'll have to work."

When and as I see myself projecting how long it will take to change, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a subtle yet valid externalization of responsibility to time. I commit myself to the continual realization that I am responsible to living and changing me.

When and as I see myself desiring change to happen fast, I stop I breathe. I realize that change can only happen as fast as I allow, and that when there is resistance to change, further investigation is required. I commit myself to digging deep within the many layers contributing to my nail biting habit, and giving myself plenty of time and space to accomplish this. Thanks for this assistance Garbrielle.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be effective, I stop I breathe. I realize that through this fear, I manifest the result of that which I fear. I commit myself to the breath-by-breath walk of self-change, giving me plenty of time and space, and stopping only when the point is cleared and I am stable within the change.

When and as I myself thinking that "big" points are "impossible," I stop I breathe. I realize that there are multidimensional layers of mental relationships that I have placed within seemingly giant points, such as nail biting. I commit myself to not attempt to go for the quick and easy fix, but realize the amount of work and will that is required to STOP myself, AND THEN take the necessary steps to CHANGE myself.

When and as I see myself failing IF I were to try, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have entered the mental space and forgotten about my breath and the practical application of my physical toward an outcome that is best for all. I commit myself to never again letting fear of failure perpetuate my resistance toward a point for an extended period of time without an agreement with myself.

The specific emotions that come up in relation to how I judge myself for biting my nails will be continued in installments to come. Thanks for reading.

For some fascinating perspective that assist with the point of facing failure and self-change:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-316-sensitive-souls-how-to-face.html

Day 174 - No more New Year's Resolutions

"Don't let change get date raped" - Matti Freeman

New Year's Re-Solution : Recycled Solution...

English: New Year's Resolutions postcard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It's easy to forget that we committed to change so long ago (15 whole days!!)

This is a really interesting post for me. When I started this new year, I made 2 reasonable new year's resolutions: Be a more effective planner and, at some point, stop biting my nails. I didn't see the harm in utilizing a year change to motivate myself to change.

I have come to realize how by doing this, I compromise myself within change by pinning it to a particular date/time outside of myself, here.

This is a key.

Basically, if I change within the year's change, I am not only requiring an external definition for self-change, I'm also hindering my ability to change at ANY given moment.

This random free-use picture is nicely illustrating the perspective of someone ineffective, not armed with self-forgiveness, nor the awesome support offered by the Desteni group. Support yourself by investigating to understand real self-change and not end up asking: "What more can a poor man do?"

How about stop pretending to be a poor man and stand up for yourself by living real self-change absolutely!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change myself by depending on an externalized point, such as a new year, instead of realizing myself as the directive principle of self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the start of a new year can help me change, not realizing that only I can help me change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the the moment of change exists in each moment of applying that change, not just one moment in the past/future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to change within one breath, every breath, as me standing up inside myself within breath always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dis-empower myself through the design of hope, in that this year or this time, I will make a change because last time/last year, I wasn't able to.

When and as I see myself placing value within an something external to aid me in changing myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that true self-change happens inside myself and results in an everlasting agreement with myself. I commit myself to continue to acquaint myself with absolute change, where real, internal commitments with self stand eternally.

I commit myself to eternally standing within the principle of oneness and equality such that I will walk process until it is done, and then continue to assist and support all as me in realizing Self.

When and as I see myself inclined to make a new year's resolution with the rest of the people in my environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a moment of separation where I am placing the responsibility of change, at least in part, separate from me by giving it to the new year. I commit myself to investigating why I haven't already made the self-change in question. I commit myself to writing out the pattern of the desired self-change so that I can walk within real self-change absolutely.

When and as I see myself doubting that I can make a change in one moment of one breath that stands absolutely in all moments within every breath, I stop I breathe. Here, I realize my direct responsibility for myself and what I've accepted and allowed myself to become. I commit myself to not shy away from my acceptances and allowances, breathe, and direct myself in alignment with what's best for all life, no longer allowing the energy to direct me.

I commit myself to showing others that the process of self-perfection is real & possible. That no solution to our real problems can be due to the change of a calendar date. That we are all individually responsible to stand absolute in self-change made within, as and for self. I commit myself to exemplify this process of self-change for all.

Thanks, you're welcome, and to all a goodnight.

Day 165 - Got to get here quick!

I was in a rush to drive somewhere today. Had to get there by 2, it was 1:44 and an estimated 20 minutes away. I did my normal 'rushed' routine to make up the time by driving faster and biting my nails. Having just written about stress last night, I stopped and took a breath. Actually, I found that taking that conscious breath helped to stop my energetically focused nail biting. It's cool that the stress behind my nail biting habit is opened up, because I'm ready to keep at this point and actually clear this pattern of literal self-consumption out of nervousness/anxiousness.

I noticed myself in the car, I stopped, and started speaking self-forgiveness. Much like:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails because I am afraid I won't be able to get there on time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this habit does not get me there faster. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get involved in the energy of hurriedness/haste, not realizing that I can only go as fast as humanly possible.

It was the realization I am limited by my external environment that calmed me down. It's crazy to think that stressing out will somehow make me faster than what's practically, most efficient. So, I drove fast, but not too fast, nor reckless.

Within all of this I realized that I habitually bite my nails when hurried and stressed. That's not the only dimension, but it sure is a significant one. When I was typing the title of this post, I realized that it's not only trying to get there quick, but also trying to get here quick. In other words, I am generally anxious to get this process over with. (My mind just raced through 3-4 thoughts really fast)

1. I've created a rushed character in separation of myself here

2. I'm generally anxious/rushed to get to point B.

3. Whenever I am learning something, I tend to bite my nails (anxious to integrate knowledge...hmm)

4. the #3 thought, has been extensively participated within...so much so, that I have to write more about it. All day I open up points, what?!

Throughout school, I bite and learn, bite and learn, learn while biting, bite while learning. Why? The first stable thought to mind is that sense of multitasking, where I can get my nails taken care of at the same time that I'm using my mental dimension...herein, I've automated the nail biting process from a starting point of anxiety: "not waiting until I got home to use my nail clippers for a proper self-manicure." This form of anxiety was easily and quickly justified at an early age. It made sense.

Ok, and now I'm opening up too many dimensions and feeling the onset of overwhelmed. *Takes a breath* Begin:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify biting my nails because it is time efficient multitasking for when I want to learn.

I've always been driven to learn fast...not sure when that started. I'll come back to this point eventually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails when I am unable to move faster / fast enough, out of fearing that I will fail in reaching a deadline or destination quickly enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeatedly give up on myself after I start chewing, and allow myself to continue with the abnormally accentuated desire to chew nail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my nail biting character, submit directive control to, and not stand not equal within and as it so that I may take responsibility for effective change. I commit myself to slowly disengage from this habit, locating every relevant memory and flag pointing each self-judgement, until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move within the energy of haste while driving. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see the stressful energy expenditure personality that effectively does nothing to get me to my destination faster. I stop I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to yellow lights in frustration for halting my momentum, and in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money as it takes more gas to get up to speed. Relax Dan. All in due time...ah,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spawn a bunch of what if thoughts while driving, effectively stressing myself out for not being 'there' 'then' when "I could have, if only I had..."

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated on the road, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are only a handful of relevant points to driving: gas, brake, steering, rules, and vectors of external objects. I commit myself to realizing when I am participating in thoughts and energy that do not serve me while driving.

When and as I see myself becoming hurried when I am running a bit late while driving, I stop I breathe. I realize this energy of haste for what it is, I stop it. I commit myself to taking a breath and noting how my mind wanders and which energies I begin to participate in while my thoughts run wild. I commit myself to making a habit of speaking self-forgiveness aloud while in the car where I am not restricted by any external personalities..

When I am alone, I have no motive to maintain face or uphold a particular personality. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be me while in the midst of others. I commit myself to begin slowly getting comfortable saying self-forgiveness out loud in the presence of others, especially when it flows with the conversation / is appropriate within the context of what's here.

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed while I open up as many points as I did today, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can stay organized in my side journal and that it is important to stay focused on one point at a time so that I can effectively clear my charges toward it instead of half-ass escaping from the individual responsibility of each dynamic. I realize there are many, many, many, many points I've separated myself from through relating to them. I commit myself to slowing down in my breath, and taking one step at a time.

I commit myself to driving moment to moment, staying here while in the car, and when I don't, to note and explore the point through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to effective planning for traveling such that I do not put myself in rushed positions, and when I do, make note of it for future prevention.

open clip art

Day 163 - Time Dimension: Nail Biting

Continuing with the theme of planning/time/delay, I would like to further investigate and open up how I am relating with Time. There is a lot going on so, I'm just going to start ranting. Enjoy!

First to mind: Nail biting = delay in so many ways. I have received feedback along the lines that biting nails = halting self-expansion. Personally, I believe my nail biting stems largely from a worry or fear of not enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious at the thought that there isn't enough time to figure/sort it all out and reach the goal or successful completion of anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mindlessly enter into the anxious state of chewing my nails, and disregard the physical reality: my breath and my actual nails/flesh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and receive psychological comfort within biting my nails.

Now, I realize the nail biting as an outlet for the anxiety. What is the source of the anxious orientation to time?  In my DIP lesson material, I am discovering common trigger point of the energy of haste and how it doesn't actually serve me. My whole life, I've utilized that "fire under the ass" to do what NEEDS to be done. Typical design is procrastinate until there is no time left. This way I don't ever have to push myself to do anything. I just relax while confidently assuming my anxious state will take care of things later, haha.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within the energy of haste, where I direct the responsibility of completing a task into that very last moment when I can possibly complete it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize this separation and take responsibility for my work within every moment of possibility.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to go off into my mind within haste energy or anxiety, effectively separating myself from my breath where I can most effectively apply myself in completing a task.

When and as I see myself biting my nails while anxious about completing some work, I stop I breathe. I realize this as an energy participation of mind that is self-limiting. I take responsibility for my decision to bite my nails, use it as an indicator for energy participation, and I forgive myself for the specific entry point into that energy. I commit myself to recognizing the break in continuity that exists when my time orientation jumps forward and energy takes hold of my beingness.

When and as I see myself prioritizing 'nail maintenance' when I am attempting to do work, I stop, breathe, and realize that this is a form of delay and general neglect of who I want to be in that moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction within me by placing myself where I do not want to be (i.e. nail biting), and releasing that friction-energy of cognitive dissonance by getting frustrated at myself. I commit myself to simply stop, breathe and no longer separate myself by getting anger at myself. Obviously, self-anger is separation. I am anger towards me. It takes two selves to stand in anger towards a part of me. Stop it. Here, I am one. I chose to bite my nails. I stop biting my nails. Simple.

Tomorrow, I will continue with more detail of the anxious energy that spawns the nail biting outlet. Tonight I continue with self-investigation in my side-journal, and you will see the results through straight up Self-For'gift'ness and corrective application statements. C ya.

Day 157 - Shallow layout of pertinent points

So far, in this process of daily blogging for self-realization, I've been really getting to know myself. There is still more to discover, but I need to get serious and really start digging into all of the points I've opened up thus far. This post will serve to re-map and recap the most pertinent points of what I'm presently facing and give my self direction for the coming new year, which is not going to bring anything new without my doing. I'm not going to be one of those folks who waits/hopes for change in their lives. Process is proactive.

Rant to self:

I'm sick of biting my nails. Every thought participation that allows finger-to-mouth chewing action = many many. So, to start recording them and organizing them is a feat that easily moves me into overwhelmed --> shut down, don't try. Typical thought design is placing myself in a future/imagined event, so that I can protect myself against the opposition within my internal conversation with others. That's just one and it's extensive in itself. I say to me, it is important to not get discouraged by the up-play of who I am in action. This is me the nail biter, feeding my survival through the apparent impossibility of stopping the addiction to my nail biting. I commit myself to realizing how I can stop this habit effectively through discovering each related point of entry.*

Delay. I like to play an easy video game, like I see my mom doing at times within the same avoidance pattern. My dad is always working, and now I see me blaming my parents for who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents and justify my behavior and who I am through observing how similar I am to them. *Went for a nail bite with the thought of others/them reading this during the phrasing of the last part of the SF statement (after pausing on 'through').

Another pertinent delay point is related to above where I have a feeling of just writing it down -> then worry that I will not get around to going back to the point to address it (even if I tag this post accurately) -> based on past behavior. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be stuck in self-discovery mode without effectively applying myself to in transferring my self-findings into self-action through SF and corrective living statements of my new self-created law of self. I commit myself to really working through delay so I can free myself from this one dimension of of excuse related to "I don't have enough time to do it all." <-- more to this than delay. Check it out..

Procrastination. Same as delay though slightly different take on it. It is how I allow myself to delay. If I have enough time to rush this post (as I am, for example) before going out to socialize...I will. I don't will myself. I let time push me. It's a pattern that' I've been aware of for a long time and even started writing about it in this JTL Blog on Day 2. Get it together. Not to discredit all accomplishment so far. I am better than I was, but there is still less than 100% self-honest self-direction in every moment of every day. Do work Dan.

Money. I need to make money. I need to make a career for myself. How can I do both? A lot of work is required. No time to waste. 2013 is going to be fascinatingly productive for me, unless I fail hard. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing myself within the application of directing myself to learn and create my future. Law...not the original plan, but I like the stability and prestige. Creative works are not as certain, and stability is most of all important. If I try to leap from cracking ice on a pond, I'm less likely to be successful than leaping from a concrete foundation. Focus on personal foundation to create breathing room and launch successful ventures.

That's it for now. To be continued, as always. Desteni I Process is the most useful self-help course on the planet. Check out the Lite version if you don't believe me. Thanks to all those who really care about all life...which could easily be everyone...ego/minds suck.

Day 140 - Delay Point Expounded

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This post is about the point of delay that I've been opening up. Today, I re-experienced myself having idealized intentions (Day 123) and yet not wanting to face myself (Day 112). From one perspective, it seems that I've been failing in overcoming the addiction to delay, but I know this is not a self-supportive perspective. I've experienced this detrimental perspective in relation to my nail biting habit, where I've been afraid to touch that point since falling back into it, having already thought to have cleared it back on Day 16. I'll soon get back to correcting my nail biting as I am realizing just how connected it is to the delay point.

Today, I allowed myself to go into delay because others in my environment are also killing time. My mind goes, "ah well if they are playing games and wasting time, it's ok that I do the same." This thought happens so fast, I mean, I move into the experience of accepting it so quickly that I don't stop to consider this point in self-honesty. Then I go into all sorts of other reactions to my delaying, forgetting how I let myself start in the first place. And then I assume it's too difficult to figure out why I've let myself enter delay, and so going into the overwhelmingness reaction, and then look for different ways to delay. It's like I'm still spiraling out of control (Day 98), and my stopping the whirlwind (Day 99) post was not effective. I realize though: This is a BIG point, or rather a hefty accumulation of a lot of related points. It will take time to sort it all out, but that's why I've committed myself to walking this 7 year path of self purification: My Journey to Life.

My Journey to Self-Honesty.

--

Now this post was going to simply be about the one point of Procrastinating Because of Others, but I'm going to delay that until tomorrow because I really want to expand and expound upon the delay pattern. As it is significantly affecting my life and ability to produce, I need to take this head on. And so I write:

Delay points:
following suit with environment as others procrastinating/abdicating responsibilities
perception of having enough time to take care of responsibilities later
"just one more time" - dishonest & unprioritized
delay breeding delay (work inertia)
fear of work/production not being good enough, into delay (needing more preparation)
working on other productive activities not directly related to intended task
"purifying" fingertips
experiences with others - social play time, courting women, etc.
delicious snacks, feel-good foods/candy
     i.e. an early habit of eating cereal to delay going to bed
video games - virtual advancement/rewards
escaping into a mediated adventure (film or tv program)
getting out of bed
general, unnecessary consumption
physical exercise/conditioning
... (if others come up, I'll place them here)

I commit myself to working through each of the above delay points that I've identified within self-forgiveness and corrective application.

The point of self-honesty will be how I determine my pace. Simple question for myself: Am I in delay or am I working towards what's best for all?

For those who aren't clear on what best for all is (and to clarify for myself), it is a matter of establishing myself as stable within being effective to be able to supporting all others as me until the world's inhabitants exist in unquestionable harmony.

Thank you for reading this process.

Day 108 - All Day Delay

A day with a hazy reference to time...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay working all day with distractions like video games,   television programs, exercise, candy and smoking, not realizing that I was hiding from responsibility all day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste my time today and fuel this behavior through hearing another make the statement of not having enough energy to do work today and accepting this as permission to do the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from facing myself through writing about my night with the girl that I've been seeing, and not realize this point as contributing to my allowance of delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot completely clear a point that seems as large as stopping distraction, starting an agreement/relationship, and/or my nail biting habit, and not realizing that my delay was contributed to by this fear of not being able to clear a complex and integrated fear system within and as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply begin writing, and realize that I can continue to open up layers of understanding through the reflection of myself in writing and application through self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately move into thoughts of possible distractions when faced with a daunting task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to amplify any point by vaguely allowing myself to define the task/point as daunting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my relationship to work through the perception of 'daunting' or 'too much.' Delete. I commit myself to re-framing work from 'daunting' and/or 'too much' into a more self-supportive frame such as 'one bite at a time.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear work as "too much for me to handle."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear any point as "too much for me to handle," and not realize that any seemingly large point can be broken down into it's components.

I have these connections to thoughts/memories with positive/negative emotional attachment. To destroy these bonds to the mind consciousness existence as programmed polar emotional response based in self interest, I'm going to have to take this slowly, and STOP allowing the 'overwhelmingness fear' to keep getting in my way.

--

When and as I see myself at a point that overwhelming to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must write down this experience of thought and sort out the perspectives/characters to understand where I'm coming from. I commit myself to slowing down my lifestyle such that I allow myself to the time to see where I'm coming from in thought, and to know my direction...this is too open. I don't believe myself within this last commitment statement.

So without further delay, I am now writing about this experience as example for the above realization:

1. Slowing my lifestyle down is completely foreign and not grounded in reality, like a lofty goal.
2. To understand where I'm coming from within every thought that pops up in my head, woah, talk about 'Mission Impossible.' This is a daunting task/point.
3. To know my direction is a continual battle against clouded/hidden voices in my head. Typically, I am pleasure seeking because I haven't been 'exposed to the real world and hardened by tough times.'

There's a lot going on just here in breaking down one lofty/bs commitment statement. Food for tomorrow..

I commit myself to grounding myself within the application of work as a process. Within this I commit myself to writing about the experience I have in relation to the point of siting down to direct myself through working on a specific point.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to blame others through the excuse that if they waste the day that I can too. I commit myself to keep writing down my daily tasks the night before...this worked for two days, and it works in keeping productive and focused with a goal upon waking.

I commit myself to STOP running from points that seem daunting or like too much work for me to be successful. I commit myself to writing out each point, one at a time, grounded in space-time, not allowing the overwhelmingness direct me away from my goals.

I commit myself to staying self-honest within my writing. Most of today's post was an honest flow of my expression through writing. The lofty stuff, based on a thought of ideal = not real as myself talking about myself in self-honesty.

Thanks, that's all for tonight.

Day 95 - Continuing with my nails

I woke up this morning considering how pointless it is to bite my nails, and so I took a breath and said no more...

to my own disappointment  I nibbled throughout the day and while watching an action-adventure film, right back into a full blown nail biting frenzy. So there are several dimension of mind coming into play, and by nature of so many different factors I'd have to consider to completely unwrap my nail biting tendency, I've delayed facing this point for too long. And so I write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay facing my self within the relationship to my nail biting habit out of fear that I will not be able to stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself for having fallen...AGAIN. I realize that this disappointment is an energetic release that cycles and so aids in the bind of this addiction. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself experiencing frustration or disappointment with regards to biting my nails. With the lens of common sense, I see that I must stop. Stop the nail biting. Stop the reaction. Just stop, and proceed according to common sense. This should be easy...my how the mind is complex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so involved within an action film that as tensions rise in the movie, my tensions rise, leading to the familiar tension outlet of nail biting. It's becoming more and more clear how this habit lives off fear. If I'm not lost in a fear-base thought when my hand goes to my mouth, I am lost in the movie, taking on artificial fear/anxiety as my reaction is bite nails.

^ As I wrote that, I recalled how I have been using this pattern of hand to mouth for comfort since I was really, really young.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suck on my thumb for comfort when I was little and that I have, in a sense, upgraded to chewing off little bits of nail and numb skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that this habit is very deeply ingrained and that I must face each and every point behind the addiction to be able to stand stable, here, as my breath. They say it can be done in one breath, I have been unable to stop this habit in one breath, and so have lived in the definition of powerlessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as powerless when I fail to achieve, especially in comparison and desire to be the best or better than my comparison points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up when I see that I can not be the best, better, faster, stronger. I commit myself to a steadfast walk, a patient walk. And I will not stop until it is done. I commit myself to stopping the addiction of comfort from nail biting.

I commit myself to realize why and how I have begun the movement from hand to mouth, and to delete the thought and charge with self-forgiveness. Doesn't matter how many times I fall. If I keep getting up, nothing and no one can stop me.

cc

Related articles

• Day 34 - Finger Nail Biting Update
• Day 94 - Nails and Fears
• Day 35 - Dodging the discomfort of delay