Day 456 - Onwards

Ok, I'm in the final 18 minutes of the month, so it's time for a quick recap and resetting my sights for October 2018. This is going to be my 13th post of 30 days, without any doubling up, even though that was my intention while excusing myself from missing a day.

I've learned that a lot of the issues I'm creating for myself come from framing my reality in narrow ways. For example, approaching my writing like I would homework, procrastinating it until the final few minutes, turning it into this big monster, just like I would with a term paper.

In hindsight, to make the most of not reaching my goal - I've got to learn all I can about myself and how I operate, so I can make a more realistic goal for myself. One thing: I underestimate how much energy these posts can take, so doing one a day is a lot. I cannot let this perceptual mishap continue to burn me as it has. More grounded, realistic planning will go along way. I'll continue to unpack more dimensions here as I find them.

For October, I commit myself to write 15 days or more. Time to test a commitment to myself for every other day. My thinking is this will open up more room for writing longer posts with more specifics and depth in them, while then giving me a day to rest in between (if needed). Test all things, keep what's best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a failure, and so focus on failing instead of what I can do.

I commit myself to continue re-framing 'failure' in my living expression to catapult my success!

See you on the next calendar page.

Day 453 - Going Deeper, pt.2

Sputtering: to proceed or develop in a spasmodic and feeble way. (ex. The old car was running on fumes, sputtering down the road.)

Also continuing from my first post in this 30 day series, there's an apparent need to go deeper into why I keep blocking myself from writing.

One day, it's simple, I just let myself write.

The next day, well..

The resistance takes many forms, like sleepiness or jumping into distractions, but why am I giving way to the resistance so quickly each time I'm facing deeper dimensions of myself in writing?

All that comes up is fear as ego-protection. The what-ifs and the primary fear: been seen as the fallible human that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acknowledging my own imperfections, and try to avoid them by creating a personality of hesitancy in my self-expression, waiting for the right moment to assert myself in the right way - veiling my authenticity, cleverly even from myself, as I further develop a 'people-pleasing' personality and get further from myself, who I am, my wants, my goals and ambitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself, because I fear that just being me, isn't enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in personality constructs that are 'safe' because they work for me within my environment, not seeing, realizing or understanding how I'm then only ever building a 'house of cards', bound to come crashing down, because I'm not substantiating each relationship by bring my integrated self, my whole +1 to the table.

I commit myself to shedding the personalities, each time I recognize myself within one, and being vulnerable and raw, coming as I am, no self-judgement.

I commit myself to use my breath as cross reference in the physical, to assist with determining when/if I'm loaded up into a narrow personality construct, using breath as well to support my returning to presence and the authenticity that is always here, in real-time, breath-pace.

I commit myself to continue aligning my integrated character with what's best for all by removing personality systems that are outdated and/or in narrow in scope, and replacing them with an "okay-ness" or immediate self-acceptance, allowing me to walk vulnerably with any situation, and just allow my expression to come up. Whatever comes, I accept it, and then I face it as I continue to fine tune my standing character, as the expression living by principle, courage, and will to do best by me and others. No more personalities based of fear. #wasteoftime

There will be many parts to Going Deeper.. TBC

Day 452 - Trip, Fall, Catch

Publishing everyday is no joke.

It's a serious commitment.

Life with all it's dynamic demands often get in the way. But here's the cool part: I'm always at will to catch myself in a fall.

Parkour lesson #1: Falling with grace.

(This will probably turn into another post.*)

When the ground is coming at you, there's actually a lot of time to respond to its/our velocity. When I first started playing with this concept, I was really drawn to the 'damage control' aspect, minimizing the overall impact for longevity of the body. Especially considering how a simple fall can have devastating, life-long consequences, I'd say it's worth it to practice and hone the skill of physical response capabilities the moment your inner ear tells you gravity is not operating within normal perimeters.

So, with the blogging, I didn't catch myself in 1 or even 2 days, and I find that interesting. I had plenty of moments to correct and perhaps not even miss any days. As soon as my evening plans changed, I could have incorporated my blogging time into my early afternoon time, for example. When I break it all down, all the excuses are BS.

What's valid, what stands, is that I do need to redefine, reshape, reconfigure these posts, to fit a "daily" style. What does that mean? I'll let go of pictures. Sometimes, but not all the times. The pressure I put on myself with the picture can sometimes be a reason for me to go into resistance, verses just simply dropping into my keyboard and the blank post and sharing candidly. Self-honestly, if I didn't procrastinate till 11:55pm to post each night, adding a picture isn't really such a big deal, and probably worth my while.

What else? I'll still do basic formatting. And I'm keeping the once-over edit, which is how I say: giving my post a single re-read, fixing, adding and subtracting as I see fit, and then publish. I'll keep adding keywords or labels, but how I do it may change. Instead of trying to attract others by using words that may help my search engine ranking, I'm going to simplify it and just do the basic few + some to categorize the main point, instead of trying to hit every angle.

And: I'm going to create 30 posts in the 30 days of September. That's what I signed on for initially, and when I missed these past few days, that's the agreement I made with myself, that instead of forcing myself to skip a day, I would let myself make it up. It's an odd excuse, "I'm not allowed to post TWO Day's in one day!" - I'll give this point its own post (soon), but the idea that "I can technically do what ever the hell I want to do," is really empowering. I set my own rules because it's my own self-expression. When life throws a curve ball, I adapt to the circumstance in my unique way. I commit myself to completing 30 posts in 30 days, even if that means I have to double or even triple up on some days.

The point of facing myself in a fall can be challenging (posts on that to come as well). It's a humble, recognition process, and then it's a decision to change the outcome for the best. It happens at all different time-levels. Fast-fast, when you're changing from high speed or heights, and much slower, at a different pace altogether - a 'life fall' (using that term loosely) happens when we just fall out of touch with ourselves, our interests, our joy, our meaning, our decision to be our best self..

I forgive me for accepting and allowing me mistreat me, by being less than I can be, and hiding from myself the reasons for which I'm sabotaging my best-self, so that I can't be honest with myself enough to see, realize and change without further ado.

I commit to treating me, myself, my life, with a little more respect, as this is the foundation of me in the world. I am responsible, within my capability, to grow as a human. All habits and behaviors that are not supportive of myself and others, are suspect and require deep, written examination (in posts to come).

I commit myself to reshaping how I approach this blog, being 'okay' with utilizing it more as a processing space for myself, however, publicly. So, it'll be more raw and behind-the-scenes style Dan, and I'll reserve the more fancy, SEO compliant, picture populated posts for another platform.*

For now, rest assured, I'll continue my writing. Fathom that it's totally possible to blog two days in one day, and just be ok with it, don't judge me. Ok?

Here we go!

Day 450 - Nostalgia Redefined, pt.2

"Ah, those were the good ol' days!"

Reminiscing about times past, with a small sense of yearning to be where and/or how I used to be. This is lazy nostalgia, participating just when it comes up in conversation between peers. It's self-detached, not seeing self as equal with self at all moments in time, and it diminishes the present self by comparison.

What would be a more proactive nostalgia?.. To live in way where I would look back on the memory fondly, continually creating a trail of interactions for which myself and others could feel nostalgic about, and within that, be inspired to connect more with that quality in/of life, here, today.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the feeling of nostalgia, create a relationship to it, where I file and organize that which I am nostalgic about because I don't want to have a messy emotional life, but I also don't want to let go, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to replicate that which I feel nostalgic about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a certain quality to life and living, such as a childlike expression of exploring the mundane which a fresh inquiry, and so create a relationship to a memory, mark it with a positive feeling, and carry on, not realizing, seeing or understanding the many insights that can be drawn from a singular memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT question the emotion of Nostalgia more closely and clearly, so that I may better understand what it is brought on the experience of nostalgia, and the specifics of what it is that I fear loosing.


I commit myself to investigate myself when nostalgia feelings come up, so I may better understand how I've channeled myself into such a narrow framework of reality. See what it is I desire so much that I'm willing to chose ignorance over awareness.

I commit myself to honor the memories of which I've formed a nostalgic relationship to, by opening them up, celebrating the key/core words of that experience and finding way for which I can bring them back to life in my everyday living. Find the gift!

I commit myself to releasing all memories that I fear losing, for I realize that I can create the new me of today with just as much significance for nostalgia. Live here!

I commit myself to live like I'm worthy of living, and to honor myself at all points in time, past, present and future.

I commit to live nostalgically.

Day 449 - Nostalgia Redefined, pt.1

Definitions found for: nostalgia (n.)

1. longing for something past
2. a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations
3. the desire to return to some earlier time in one's life, or a fond remembrance of that time, usually tinged with sadness at its having passed

How or in which ways is nostalgia alive in my life?

• I have a file folder for it - paper stuffs that make me smile when remembering their creation, and would certainly make for good conversation with those who were directly involved, way back when!
• Mostly, it's about shared times with others, but there's also many nostalgic times with inanimate objects like pasta and meatballs.
• When something brings me to a time when I felt a certain way, like Free, Empowered, Content 
• Nostalgia also motivates me - like a reminder of myself in a different moment, I explore the differences from who I was then to who I am today? And what happened along the way?

In what ways would I like to redefine this word for myself?

1. Find the gift, for the me of today. When I have gone through the effort to create an emotional relationship for something in the past, then maybe I've bookmarked it for a reason. But the key is to not just float off into the feeling aspects of nostalgia, but to more scientifically extract the words around the feeling, to understand why I've created this emotional bookmark in the first place. What is the attachment for? What do I fear not having? Getting really specific with myself, so I can practically make use of this information, in terms of re-manifesting the best parts of me that I know I have been and can be.

Day 447 - Hooray!! I'm grateful for...

This life!

When I express the word 'hooray' (def: used to express joy or approval) inside of myself, gratitude comes up with it, so I thought I'd dedicate this post and ask:

What am I grateful for in my life?

The connection from hooray to grateful is interesting in itself. When I look at the feeling if it, it's kind of stored as a memory, but like a picture-archetype of a group of people all going "hooray!" after hearing news of an accomplishment or victory to which they all had contributed their blood, sweat and tears.

I connect 'hooray' to joy as gratitude, especially in a teamwork setting. And what I'm most grateful for, is what I most enjoy. So, without further adieu, my

#GratitudeList:

- Connection

First it was Mommy, we all know that. Then they cut the cord. Dad; eventually I became grateful for my brother.. Friends. Beings exchanging words....or more. It's this idea of understanding myself through others, 'two or more in my name. 'What are the similarities? the differences? Who am I in relation to another? Is one of the questions that I'm most grateful for.

- Education

Learning and the ability to learn. To understand and be understood. The process of familiarizing ourselves with what's here. I've not really been able to commit to a single area of deep investigation, (other than DIP), because everything is so fascinating. I'd be wise to calm down a bit, and focus my attention more, because specialization of applied understandings, is where the money's at.

By focusing education, we have access to create more value for the world, and fair compensation should be expected. It's the natural way. Not all education is perfect, and I tapped out of Academia after my bachelors to pursue a deeper understanding through...

- Vocabulary

Learning words has been nothing short of everything when it comes to learning new things. At a young age, word acquisition was one of the greatest ways we could apply ourselves, for it was a very powerful tool for getting our needs met. More words, more specific requests, more power. The early childhood education vocab lays the foundation for our thoughts, and thus, what we will create in our lives, over and over and over. Fascinating: how we kind of outsource our thoughts to the mind, automate them, and then we get stuck in weird thought patterns that just aren't helpful anymore, if they ever were!!

The more vocab words, the more choices of thought at my disposal. To all who played a part in my journey of realizing the importance of words: Thank You. I've realized it's not too late to be bound by our current vocabulary level, no matter where you're at, you can improve - and it's as worth it now as it was when you were 2. It's a big world out there, and we're all missing it, because we can't see beyond our own vocabulary. Learn Words.

- Body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and forget about my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain the mind, over my body. I.e. binge eating candy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dissociate from my breath, heart and living flesh, so I can go on a vacation in the mind for some energetic stimulation addiction.

I commit myself to take a breath, slow down, be with my body, cry if I need to, learn from my mistakes, and commit to new awareness.

I commit myself to eat better, to cook my own food more often, and to consider the long-time point of view for everything I ingest.

I commit myself to a daily routine, to honor my body, through exercise and stilling the mind from time to time.

I commit myself to honor my body.

- Me

None of this would be possible if it weren't for me.

Thank you Daniel, you've made many good decisions in your life so far. Keep it up! Don't let yourself get stuck in a rut. You can do what ever you set your sights on. Thanks for sticking with me, as me. We'll get this done! I believe in me.

Thanks for reading..

- All

(this is now a comprehensive list, goodbye)

Day 444 - Going Deeper

What was that?

This one, chill tab really enhanced my writing flow for this blog post!

Where was I?

How did I let myself stop writing for such a long time?

Fascinating, it is, to go deeper into what, why & how things have become they way they are in our lives.

Something cool I've realized in myself is that I have a lot to share. The uncool layer is that I was so wrapped up in my head about wanting to share in some ultra-specific, perfect way (and that's a deep hole!), that I would give way to simple resistances, such as "It can wait.." instead of pushing myself to be a better me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to share the gift of me, with me, and the rest of humanity. Unashamed. Raw. Humble. Whatever, just stop thinking about what/how others' care about my expression, prior to me just plainly & authentically being: me.

Who am I?

It's such a multidimensional question; and as such, it requires multiple answers. Let's take this one chunk at a time here, because I know there is a lot to who I am.

Prominently, I want to identify as a writer.....but today, it's more = "a writer, going through 'writer's block', for far long enough now."

But what's really going on, behind the scenes, that I'm using to justify such a long-standing act of limiting my own expression?

Today, I really wanted to keep this entry short, like the one prior, for ease of reading. Digestibility of my content, is one of my favorite criteria for publishing my works, and it's something of a gift, and a curse. I can either place myself in fear-paralysis that my expression will not be well understood, and build myself a "good enough" barrier that effectively bars my writing efforts; or I can simply take the principle into practice, work with improving my writing skills, expand the way in which I actively critique my writing, vs judging how I may be perceived from the stand point of others as the critics that I must impress. Done with that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to orient so severely to others' possible perceptions of me, that I have lost nearly all focus on driving my own divinity, as the authentic point of departure from my own breath. The me that isn't fucked with by the mind.

I commit myself to continue my journey to life, in writing, here for all to see. Maybe blogger, definitely steemit.com/@dan2all as I continue to work myself out of this lil slump I've been in. YouTube, I can't wait. I'm burning up wanting to share, stifled for way too long by only inner resistances. Fool.

I've worked on my writing and typing for YEARS...I am more than capable. Just need to see me and know that I can move in the ways I know I can move, and MOVE.

Can I write a blog every day this month?...of course I can. Who's going to stop me, but me and my own allowance of the mind's silly self-sabotage programming?! I've kinda been working myself into a corner, and I can't see many unknown variables at this point....I'm sure my mind could drum up something, naturally evolving in its self-preservation program, as it has, rising to the occasion to stop full life force flowin'.....but even this has gone on, and on, and on, and on...I'm starting to see the patters of patterns, and at this point, it seems I'd have to REALLLY want to hide, suppress, and give way to the mind, to keep choosing self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that, to any degree, I have accepted and allowed me to be dishonest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide/cover/suppress various truths of me from my awareness, so that I do not have to accept the responsibility of what it really is to be alive.

I commit myself to blog each day this month. To drop in to a breath and begin. As resistances or fears come up, rinse and repeat with that breath.

No need to pre-edit my expression with subconscious chatter of yesteryear. I commit myself to place myself in writing, with whatever judgements I or others have of me, self-acceptance, and from there, see how I can improve the conveyance of me, through this awesome new multi-dimensional communication medium, commonly known as....

(see you tomorrow;)

Day 410 - Processing Procrastination NOW

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can always do it later, and within this, not see, realize and understand my full capacity to accomplish something now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excuses that lead me into the belief that there isn't enough time to do something now. I commit myself to applying common sense here, and utilizing self-honesty to determine if I am simply making an excuse or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself delay taking full responsibility for myself in the current moment.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to recognize my potential to accomplish something NOW or immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient, and within that, not have enough time NOW, to accomplish something real, something physical, something that takes a length of time to create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can spend my time better by doing nothing in particular, than if I were to slow down and spend a few moments to complete a creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that procrastination is just part of who I am and how I do things, and that "I do not really want to change this behavior."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "procrastination is a skill that I do well and thus benefits me."

I commit myself to slowing down, to consider the real timelines of creation and determine what I can accomplish in this moment that is best for me and all.

I commit myself to realizing the power of the current moment.

I commit myself to STOP postponing that which can be accomplished now.

I commit myself to giving myself the self-honesty required to decide how I can apply myself within my utmost potential in this very moment.

I commit myself to stop running away from responsibility, suppressing it, and pushing it into the future (that never comes). And so within this, I recognize that self-empowerment comes from what I chose to create in the moment that is here, now.

When and as I see that I self-honestly do not have enough time to complete something, I commit myself to deferring the responsibility to a specific time in the future. I commit myself to utilizing a calendar or task list, when necessary, to ensure that I do not suppress my taking responsibility indefinitely.

Why wait when I can do it now?

I just wrote this blog and I only "lost" 35 minutes. Rather. I traded 35 minutes for a new depth of understanding within my decision process of taking immediate action.

WORTH IT!

Thank you.

Day 217 - How I Was Able to Hear the Desteni Message

I vividly remember when I voiced my first philosophical question when I asked my mother,

"Why do I see out of my eyes?"

Alas, she knew not.

From that point on, I believe I had grounded my motivation to find answers within this reality. A burning curiosity set in. I needed to understand, and this developed into a desire to be understood. And so was born the Truth-seeking personality characteristic that became central to my existence. My curiosity of existence was largely, in part to my parents unobtrusive religious orientation. Perhaps, for that I am most thankful. When I got involved with the after school church groups, I could connect to socializing and playing the drums much more easily than I could with God. For whatever reason, I received no internal feedback from prayer. Maybe it was a case of underdeveloped faith, I don't know. All I knew, was that I could go home and get more tangible answers from my computer.

The internet search engine had been expanding my awareness since my pre-teens, and I to be quite good with keywords. Nearly all of my inquiries yielded a satisfactory answer, and I was solving problems left and right. So began a gradual process of investigating the unknowns. Hypnotism forums lead me lucid dreaming, which would be followed by a mutual interest in quantum physics with one of my high school buddies. What the Bleep do we know? lead me to The Secret and Law of Attraction. LOA was the beginning of my energy/spiritual obsession, buying up books like that was all that mattered. At this point I was firmly on a path of truth-seeking, addicted to finding information about metaphysical mysteries.

My spiritual ascension process become more expensive as I got more serious with it. I vividly remember the moment when I chose to pull the trigger on a $300 investment on this white powered gold product for "DNA activation" that would help me ascend more quickly. I had justified this cost in the name finding Truth, spiritual greediness, and a desire to be greater so I could ultimately better help others. Another $100 on some sacred geometry posters that were to be placed under the mattress and increase my vibration and learn my karmic lessons faster while I sleep. This was the capstone of my monetarily induced spiritual path.

December 2009, I find some rather intriguing YouTube videos of the portal. By that point, I had believed myself to have truth-seeking vision enabled, and when various beings spoke through this girl's body, I picked up on the sincerity in the voice and facial expressions. I became kind of obsessed in that same knowledge seeking way and spent the next two months just absorbing these videos. When I cross referenced my perception of sincerity from the videos with the key message of oneness and equality, I knew that this wasn't some new-age cult seeking to abuse my attention and take my money. Desteni put into perspective that I was already in the new age cult of spirituality, spending time, energy and money on becoming MORE.

Stopping my preprogrammed destined life of spiritual ascension was tough to let go of, but it was increasingly apparent that separating myself from others through raising my energy levels was not the solution to this world's problems. If any of the past truths lead to a actual solution that brought about world peace, then how could we still be in such a state of strife across the planet? I had realized, my personality had essentially been done before, and that was rather unsettling.

So the moment came when I asked myself: Do I just go onward with my promising life (my successful track record and ability to suppress fear and obtain desire), or do I really consider the implications of Oneness and Equality?

My favorite spiritual book at the time was called Oneness, but that book spoke nothing of practical equality. It fit right in with my ego design of wanting to become more, to become powerful, enlightened, special. It felt good to read it. While this Desteni stuff, not so pretty. More serious, and intriguing with the portal and all. At that point, I was not ready to take responsibility for all, as one and equal. But I also couldn't just turn a blind eye to this unfavorable message or else I would have to also throw away my defining personality characteristic of truth-seeker. And I did consider that. I recall thinking about other, more mundane life/career paths.

I had decided. No way was I going to let truth that I don't like stop my truth discovery process altogether. That would be shameful. And I just couldn't bear the thought consciously moving forward with intentional ignorance toward a point of truth that I had glimpsed and not liked. Cowering in fear wasn't my style. Fighting from fear wasn't either. I was all about understanding, and I didn't understand oneness and equality. So I patiently continued my investigation of the Desteni material.

For additional perspective

Eventually, I learned that I only I can walk my individual process of self-investigation, and that Desteni is only a point of assistance and support. And without discovering Desteni, I would never have started this proactive and comprehensive self-honest investigation of self through writing. I saved a lot of time and money because Desteni interfered with my destiny, and in turn, I strive to save us all time and money by writing my Journey To Life publicly. Investigate. Read. Enjoy.


See you tomorrow for the dismantling of my truth-seeking personality design.

Day 207 - Planning vs Energetic Motivation

My day was messed up today when I woke up later than planned. The order of events was screwed up and I allowed this to snowball for most of the day. Lots of patterns came up. Cool that I'm seeing them more clearly as I write about them, but I haven't been thorough enough to be effective. What is it to be effective within this Journey to Life? It is releasing the predictive programming with self-forgiveness AND writing a new law of self with a real commitment statement. Why have I not been effective with some of the patterns, like procrastination? I haven't finished. I haven't yet found each component to be able to specifically address them.

I can't beat myself up for not being effective. Obviously there is still work to do, so the real question is, do I react with my typical discouragement pattern when faced with "failure," or do I stop the reaction and direct the common sense response? Go into mind or be self-honest? Fall into the predictable self-destructive pattern or realize myself, here, able to act in any way choose? The cool part: indecision no longer exists from a self-honesty standpoint. Best for all is a no brainer.

Today, I realized that my writing on planning at the beginning of the year was not substantial. I have not become an excellent planner. I have not made a stable change of self, meaning I did not actually change. I rode an energized ideal for motivation to be a better planner. Probably like many others' new year's resolutions, the commitment fades until the next Jan. 1st. I begun to understand why new year's resolution do not work in this post, but I need to follow through with this.

I am realizing more and more what energetic motivation is because it isn't stable, it doesn't last, it's idealized, generalized and inconsistent. It's not in alignment with reality, it's a mental augmentation of what I would like reality to be. There is a separation through desiring a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that self-change is easy accomplished by one general investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself when I fail to remove a program on my first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my disappointment with discouragement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that process would be a simple plug and play program to erase all programs, not considering that I'd actually have to start living my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply revert to old habits without investigating why or why I allowed the regression.
--
When and as I see that I am unstable within my Journey to Life because I am not giving myself the time to be serious with myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me. I walk process for me 1st, then I can support others in their self process of/for themselves. I commit myself to taking the necessary steps to start walking this process for me alone. No more energetic BSing. Here, stable, real.

When and as I see myself being ineffective within moving a single point through process, I stop, I breathe, and I realize there is work to be done. I realize that going into the disappointment -> discouragement program, I am neglecting my responsibility of my self-living, here. I commit myself to focus on my breath, and write out the energy experience for specifically moving through process.

There is a growing understanding that Desteni I Process is not an automatic cure for all my problems, as I had initially hoped for it to be. Rather, it is actually serious life training in becoming a responsible human being. There is nothing automatic about reversing what we have automated within and of ourselves. I have to be here with every step. And I commit myself to doing whatever it takes to ending the internal resistance to living within every moment, within every breath.

Day 108 - All Day Delay

A day with a hazy reference to time...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay working all day with distractions like video games,   television programs, exercise, candy and smoking, not realizing that I was hiding from responsibility all day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste my time today and fuel this behavior through hearing another make the statement of not having enough energy to do work today and accepting this as permission to do the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from facing myself through writing about my night with the girl that I've been seeing, and not realize this point as contributing to my allowance of delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot completely clear a point that seems as large as stopping distraction, starting an agreement/relationship, and/or my nail biting habit, and not realizing that my delay was contributed to by this fear of not being able to clear a complex and integrated fear system within and as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply begin writing, and realize that I can continue to open up layers of understanding through the reflection of myself in writing and application through self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately move into thoughts of possible distractions when faced with a daunting task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to amplify any point by vaguely allowing myself to define the task/point as daunting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my relationship to work through the perception of 'daunting' or 'too much.' Delete. I commit myself to re-framing work from 'daunting' and/or 'too much' into a more self-supportive frame such as 'one bite at a time.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear work as "too much for me to handle."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear any point as "too much for me to handle," and not realize that any seemingly large point can be broken down into it's components.

I have these connections to thoughts/memories with positive/negative emotional attachment. To destroy these bonds to the mind consciousness existence as programmed polar emotional response based in self interest, I'm going to have to take this slowly, and STOP allowing the 'overwhelmingness fear' to keep getting in my way.

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When and as I see myself at a point that overwhelming to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must write down this experience of thought and sort out the perspectives/characters to understand where I'm coming from. I commit myself to slowing down my lifestyle such that I allow myself to the time to see where I'm coming from in thought, and to know my direction...this is too open. I don't believe myself within this last commitment statement.

So without further delay, I am now writing about this experience as example for the above realization:

1. Slowing my lifestyle down is completely foreign and not grounded in reality, like a lofty goal.
2. To understand where I'm coming from within every thought that pops up in my head, woah, talk about 'Mission Impossible.' This is a daunting task/point.
3. To know my direction is a continual battle against clouded/hidden voices in my head. Typically, I am pleasure seeking because I haven't been 'exposed to the real world and hardened by tough times.'

There's a lot going on just here in breaking down one lofty/bs commitment statement. Food for tomorrow..

I commit myself to grounding myself within the application of work as a process. Within this I commit myself to writing about the experience I have in relation to the point of siting down to direct myself through working on a specific point.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to blame others through the excuse that if they waste the day that I can too. I commit myself to keep writing down my daily tasks the night before...this worked for two days, and it works in keeping productive and focused with a goal upon waking.

I commit myself to STOP running from points that seem daunting or like too much work for me to be successful. I commit myself to writing out each point, one at a time, grounded in space-time, not allowing the overwhelmingness direct me away from my goals.

I commit myself to staying self-honest within my writing. Most of today's post was an honest flow of my expression through writing. The lofty stuff, based on a thought of ideal = not real as myself talking about myself in self-honesty.

Thanks, that's all for tonight.

Day 97 - Swirling in my head

When I don't write, I allow thoughts to swirl around in my head.

I smoked, right before doing this blog. It is a suppression. I didn't want to face the negative emotional conflict outflow of my own thoughts. So I leave here to go off into my own world of self insightfulness of thought. I like it. I enjoy how I get high, the feeling of it,, and I notice how there is a balancing thing going on here. I have a (will be) said amount of +'s for getting high and the -'s, well probably a fair share. I'll map this out now that I'm feeling ready to let go. One of the fears that was keeping me from wanting to expose this side of myself to the net, was how the opinions of me from 'others in my mind' might be that I must walk through what I state and be effective on the first try. Day 14-16, my little nail trio. I didn't hesitate with that because the negatives far out weighed the positives of the nail biting experience...unless the feeling is equal to the physical...shit.

I forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the positive feeling of chewing my nails by placing it in my mind as inferior to the superior physical damage going on, and so forget to consider the oneness and equality equation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself with the reaction "shit," because behind that negative view of my self 'why didn't I see this earlier' popped into my mind and quickly translated into this programmed shit response.

^ It's with this level of specificity I work towards. When I write, I catch myself. I see where and how my mind goes. Not in a sense that I am separate or in observer mode, but I can go back to kind of jog the experience again, and keep the writing flow going through the self-forgiveness. Many of my entries thus far were written sober, while many were not. It's funny (in the worst way possible) how some fears seem like a bigger deal than others, and so they just EAT away at us. I'm really done with allowing fears to ruin my life, this life, our life. As I continue to walk and build momentum within the courage to keep facing my fears, I realize that I can't hide anything. Haha! Nothing. So it all comes out. My super secret journal, published for all who care to see. haha, this is going to be fun...and I can already tell that there is going to be polar consequence for that :)

So, for now I will patiently walk myself through this design and addiction. I'm not looking forward to it. There are a lot of positive experiences in my past that have been associated with smoking the green smelly tree. Much in how I relate to others and much in how I relate to me....Woo, I shiver at the thought of how much I've been creating my self concept in relation to weed. It's doable. And I'm not going to give up. I will walk out of this addiction with the patience, honesty, and writing.

Sincerely thanks for reading.

Breaking this down and more self-forgiveness to come!

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