Day 450 - Nostalgia Redefined, pt.2

"Ah, those were the good ol' days!"

Reminiscing about times past, with a small sense of yearning to be where and/or how I used to be. This is lazy nostalgia, participating just when it comes up in conversation between peers. It's self-detached, not seeing self as equal with self at all moments in time, and it diminishes the present self by comparison.

What would be a more proactive nostalgia?.. To live in way where I would look back on the memory fondly, continually creating a trail of interactions for which myself and others could feel nostalgic about, and within that, be inspired to connect more with that quality in/of life, here, today.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the feeling of nostalgia, create a relationship to it, where I file and organize that which I am nostalgic about because I don't want to have a messy emotional life, but I also don't want to let go, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to replicate that which I feel nostalgic about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a certain quality to life and living, such as a childlike expression of exploring the mundane which a fresh inquiry, and so create a relationship to a memory, mark it with a positive feeling, and carry on, not realizing, seeing or understanding the many insights that can be drawn from a singular memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT question the emotion of Nostalgia more closely and clearly, so that I may better understand what it is brought on the experience of nostalgia, and the specifics of what it is that I fear loosing.


I commit myself to investigate myself when nostalgia feelings come up, so I may better understand how I've channeled myself into such a narrow framework of reality. See what it is I desire so much that I'm willing to chose ignorance over awareness.

I commit myself to honor the memories of which I've formed a nostalgic relationship to, by opening them up, celebrating the key/core words of that experience and finding way for which I can bring them back to life in my everyday living. Find the gift!

I commit myself to releasing all memories that I fear losing, for I realize that I can create the new me of today with just as much significance for nostalgia. Live here!

I commit myself to live like I'm worthy of living, and to honor myself at all points in time, past, present and future.

I commit to live nostalgically.

Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior

This is a core concept that we study in the Desteni Group: How have we automated ourselves as human beings. It's a multidimensional point to look at because firstly there is the mind/body/awareness distinction, there's the unity amongst them, and there are the many layers of logic/emotion within the mind itself. Briefly, who we are is all three, but the distinction can be described as that awareness being who we are, enslaved by the past and future constructs of mind, with the body being our physical expression from which the mind generates or resources all it's energy from. It's like our physical body is a battery for the mental reality, just like in the Matrix! Here's an example of some Desteni material that actually illustrates this point and touches on what I'm going to elaborate on now.

The multi-layered mind holds within it a long history of decisions. We store many memories for the sole purpose of making future decisions easier. This process happens on various levels of consciousness, but primarily we integrate many decision frameworks on a subconscious level in childhood. We continue the process on a more conscious level later one, but the big kicker here is that our conscious decisions are built on the foundation of the subconscious layers. Big surprise: the basic motivations in making these decisions on all the conscious levels are based on avoiding pain and gaining pleasure; fear and desire.

So we've spent our whole lives automating our behaviors, our personalities, our entire perception of reality through a lens of fear and desire within self-interest. The Desteni principle of moving this starting point of self-interest into a starting point of best for all, is merely an act of compassion, integrity, and common sense really. I want what's best for all, but my preexisting mind programs that I've so carefully created to benefit me all those years of my past require an equal care to disengage and realign with my new decision to live by the best for all principle.

Now, putting this all into real life examples, and sharing with you how this point opened up for me. I have yet to stabilize my relationship to the nail biting habit, and I was doing well by not biting them at all for a week, in part because a friend saw my facebook post about breaking this habit and decided he'd strike up a conversation with me about it. We ended the conversation in an agreement to be a support for each other in stopping this obsessive habit. The day we were to speak again, I made a decision that changed everything..

I started to bite one of my nails, I stopped, I thought about what I was about to continue doing, I thought about it more, then I thought about the solution of not doing it AS I CONTINUED TO BITE. As you can see here, I fell. This playout was not a 'stop and breathe' movement. It was a stop and think movement. Interestingly, what really brought my attention to this point was how during the moment I was thinking about the solution and continuing to bite at the same time, my right ear started ringing. I referenced some of the desteni perspectives that I've come across in the past few years to relate the ringing to a misalignment in the structural/physical (right side) 'here' (h-ear) moment, which resonated really well. I was ignoring the physical correction that needed to be put into action in that here-moment.

For the next several days, I continued biting my nails, and I continued investigating the importance of that single moment of accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails, here. I was 'here' with me and my thoughts as I decided to continue biting. This was the moment that I automated an unwanted behavior.

What a silly thing to do. Why would I do that? It's moments like this, where the mind holds contradictions and yet directs us to pay attention to the just the information that suits our immediate desire/fear.

The solution: To stand back up, and begin again with the process of accumulating physical memories of asserting my self-direction with the relationship I have toward the nail biting habit. There are many dimensions of many contexts for which this solution is applicable. We create our reality. I created this relationship to nail biting primarily from a fear starting point of having a nail get ripped off in some freak accident with a screen door slamming shut (memory of this happening to my brother). I see, realize and understand that this relationship, born of fear, does not serve what is in the best interest of all, and thus, I must recreate my mental framework, layer by layer, until I am stable in relation to my nails.

Tomorrow I will continue with the self-forgiveness and corrective application writings. Still to come, How to Program Yourself and Automate Wanted Behaviors.

Day 325 - Missing my friends

It's been just over a year since I graduated college, and one of the major associated events is the friends I had last year are graduating and leaving the area. I no longer have the ability to drive down and visit all of them as I had done last month. Loss. The design of the experience is fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to reconnect with all my past friends.

This is really my holding on to the memories that I had when I was going to school with them. I had a lot of fun when I went to visit recently, but it was different. I was chasing a memory and instead ended up creating a new memory to get attached to. Like a nostalgic feeling, but also strongly associated with the people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to, and define myself by a memory, wherein I fear losing that chapter, that part of myself, and being unable to ever relive those moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to relive my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back in time to live my past differently with the knowledge I have now. = regret

Soon after my visit was over, I had a dream that burnt into my memory banks forever. It was basically all of them singing this song with an elaborate movement performance in the streets of Isla Vista. It was like a 'goodbye' show directed at me, and there was this overall feeling of connection and honor. I didn't reflect on it too much, but now that I do, here's what comes up: I personally feel a connection and honor toward them. 

There is this concept that I like to apply, I call it "loving detachment." It's like a perceptual frame that I willingly live to keep moving through life and not really pay attention to my past relationships. It seems now like it exists as a coping mechanism to avoid my fear of loss of past relationship, whereas I have usually always considered it to just be a smart/superior way to move through life. In fact, I was protecting myself from being in the vulnerable position of being left behind myself. I can support this conclusion also by the fact that I always wanted to stay friends with my ex-girlfriends. I'm sure I had a few mental tools / programs that I implemented to avoid feeling sad or uncomfortable or inferior. It was a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chose to create and live in an illusionary perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this was the best way lead a life, by keeping myself in the positive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the affect I've had on others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others' perspectives less than my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about myself and my own experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like having friends to support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have friends just to support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my friends to support my ego/ superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends because they no longer support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends.

I realize now that the design of missing friends and attachment to memories is really me as a mind trying to preserve my characters / personalities that I enjoyed. The positive experiences of myself in a certain context. To get stuck in the past, to fear loss / letting go of my personal memories with my friends, is me wanting to preserve a part of myself as a particular personality and experience of myself.

This is silly. Not only does it take away from my creative powers that are here as me building myself by adapting to my immediate environment in a way that is best for all, but I'm also fighting to save an energetic layer of myself. This energy is a personality character that I created in my head and lived out in a social environment. It's an illusion that I built and lived, and thus validated. And when this version of me loses it's momentum, when the social and environmental stimulation no longer feeds it, I'm going through this feeling of loss.

When and as I see myself longing to be in the past, in a memory with specific individuals, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this past scenario will never again happen just the same. I commit myself to flag this self-compromising form of nostalgia and releasing my attachments to it through investigating it and speaking/writing specific self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself desiring to relive a moment of favorable, past interaction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, and my life can only be lived to it's utmost potential in this moment. I commit myself to realigning myself with hereness, with breath, whenever I see myself day dreaming in the past.

This process has to happen. I can't allow myself to define myself based on energetic personality interactions, and go my whole life from within a perspective of self-interest and experience seeking. At what cost is "fun"? To think about the many that can't afford fun, the many that die and will die because of world systemic inefficiency, and then to also be aware of how I can make a difference with a bit of hard work...and then still just sit around wanting to feel good...no.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good while being ignorant of my ignorance is bliss stance.

I know what is at stake. To live here and not support what is best for all is going out of style. The quicker we all educate ourselves on our individual responsibility to support what's best for the whole, the sooner we can all start living a dignified life. Research and support the BIG solution (example). This is our shot. The window of opportunity is a moment where you make a choice. Investigate who you are within that. Why did you go this route? Where do your priorities lie? How much longer can you justify regrettable pursuits? Aha! Hehe.

To all my college friends: I cherish and honor you all. Thank you for the range of experiences. Enjoyable to educational. My only regret is trying impress you. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than you and trying to disprove my self-doubt with a multifaceted facade of personalities that truly aren't who I am. The consequences of living to present myself in a certain way had unforeseen consequences. Thank your for the memories that I will always have and be able to work with in my journey of self-discovery. I commit myself to waste no more time trying to relive old personalities. I commit myself to further investigating the intent/motivations of my self-made energetic characters. You will be able to read it all here.

Thank you.

Day 277 - Expansion and Growth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear growing and becoming more responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear, not realizing how I'm holding myself back from growing and expanding my self expression through fearing fear and fearing myself as fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I might find by expanding myself through self-honesty.

credit

I've realized some interestingly resilient resistance when it comes to self-change and ending some of those deeply ingrained habits. In particular, I am thinking about my nail biting habit that I keep turning away from. I have heard that biting fingernails is related to limiting self-growth/expansion. It makes sense from a literal perspective, and also from a psyche consideration. I begin nibbling whenever I am nervous, anxious, and/or fearful of a future oriented event, and through this frightfulness, I limit my range of expression to a mere quandary. It's like I shell up to to protect myself/ego from that which I fear. Finger tip to mouth is a closed posture, related to thumb sucking (which I also did)...and I overcame that through a reward system my parents had placed for me...oh dear.

I wasn't at all planning on this connection.  When I was really young, I stopped sucking my thumb so I could get the Grape Escape board game I saw on the television (commercial). All I had to do was stop the habit for 30 days, which took the visual form of placing gold stars on a calendar. I was excited for my prize, and each day I was motivated to get a gold star. Years later, the 'door opened up' for me to revive my oral fixation when the screen door closed on my brother's hand. His fingernail ripped right off, effectively traumatizing me. This vivid childhood memory has been what I thought was the start of this nail biting habit, but not I see there is more to it than just one incident. I also recall the thought that having long nails was a feminine attribute, deeming ridicule as valid. I also resented each moment when my brother would scratch me.

So, I have a lot more now to work with in relation to the nail biting point. Another point I wanted to make: The 'interestingly resilient resistance' that I've been experiencing in relation to stopping my habit is, in part, due to trying to take on too much at once by looking at the point from a distant perspective. I visualize it as standing up over a 5 foot diameter, 2 inch regression in the dirt, and I need to keep digging this hole until it's at least 4 feet deep. It also feels like I've been using the Self-Forgiveness trowel, and I really need to pick up the SF spade and begin shoveling more effectively. And by that I mean I can be using self-forgiveness more effectively by getting specific and thorough, instead of quick and general. I've been more of a big picture guy, so maybe that's another reason I resist getting into the nitty gritty. 

Back to my original point: (fear of) growth and expansion.  Nail biting is but one physical form of this fear. The internal resistance I feel in relation to putting myself 'out there' falls under this umbrella as well. I realize that the only effective way to deal with all of this is by focusing on one scoop at a time. 

Key points:

• Nail biting is just the surface conception or physical manifestation of what's going in relation to my fear of expansion and growing into self-responsibility
• Ending habits within a reward system has consequences:
• habit is transformed; not actually stopped through understanding and self-will
• strengthens relationship to being externally motivated, instead of internally self-willed
• Self-Honesty & Self-Forgiveness are keys to Self-change. Self-Will is using the key.
• Resistance flag point
• check if point is too general. "What else is going on within this?"
• check for fear of self-expansion. "What do I fear here? Why?"

I'll continue with self-forgiveness and corrective application tomorrow.

For now, I'm going to re-read my nail biting support from the Desteni forum here: Establishing Self-Trust to Stop Serious Habits. Thanks for being here to read me.

Day 137 - Fear: Not cool enough to get the girl

Related to:
Day 136 - Self-Interested Assistance
Day 25 - The social appeaser

I have a memory of mentally constructing this perspective: I have to be cool/funny to be liked and get the girl that I like. It happened in elementary school while I observed the general social gravitation towards the "cool" kids. Why were they cool? I think it was about the easy goingness, kind of a relaxed funny. And then of course once the group of cool friends were support each others' coolness, it was done. It was valid that they were cool. The "in crowd" was like a machine that supported itself, where the 'kinda cool' kids wanted to be accepted, so they respected the cooler kids. At the top you had 2-4 kids (in the classroom) that were friends and accepted the "kinda cool kids" friendship as they supported their position at the top. It made sense that girls would also gravitate toward the coolest boys because they benefit their egos by associating with the coolest of boys and through the validation from the other girls for doing so, maybe in the form of jealousy or praise. Girls, especially the pretty ones, had social pressure/expectation from other girls to obtain relationships with the cooler boys. Of course this is just a simple one-dimensional insight that I drew when I was pretty young, and it lead to the defining decision to become as cool as I can be, so I can have a better choice/selection of women that would be interested in me.

The design: have more, cooler male friends to increase power/status for the primary purpose of attracting the more attractive women. And I suppose it makes sense also that women become as attractive as they can be to attract the most powerful/successful and good looking men. This program lasted throughout school and college, and now I'm going to pick it apart and forgive it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how I will express myself in this world based on how I can increase my cool factor - as looks/hairstyle, types of friends I associate with, ability to make others laugh and feel comfortable - where I have, through this, chosen to limit my expression to only what others will likely like, causing me to be uncomfortable within fear/doubt of nonacceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will not accept me, not realizing this fear if based in the polarity of my desire to be at the top of the social latter.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to be at the top of the social latter because of the insecurity I allowed myself to exist as in the form of a reoccurring thought that I will not be liked by the girls that I like.

Haha, there is a lot opening up here. This point is more heavily participated in than I initially realized. In all of my relationships to women, the focus was on getting to be with them....oh crap. I defined and lived as a character/personality that once satisfied with the energy as attention from women, the system would calm down and I would be looking onwards to the next challenge of acceptance. Almost like a fear addiction  I realize that I am afraid of not being able to continually overcome that fear of rejection...

Ohhhhh K! This is a problem. I've always just seen it as simply liking the initial part of relationships, you know, with the butterflies and uncertainty. There are so many dimensions to this character that I can't keep my head from spinning right now.

Breathe.

I was listening to this series of interviews by this being, Lily, and right now, I can see that I am needing to stick to just one point, as much as my mind wants to take me everywhere, and walk it through to completion. I definitely recommend this product for getting an understanding the process of writing the mind out with self-forgiveness. Check it out at EQAFE: Self Awareness Steps for the Elite pt.1. Your purchase will be highly self-supportive, as well as supportive to me and all life equally.

Bringing it back:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire personality design, wherein I never gave myself a chance to simply be myself because I allowed myself to fear that I wasn't cool enough to be with the girl/s that I liked. I can see a circle here: I want the girl to validate that I am cool enough to be with the girl...so when I get the girl, I am validated, and ready to move on as I climb higher towards the elusive/imagined top of the social latter as defined by ultimate acceptance/power/influence and of course the most beautiful/perfect woman in the world.

HA.ha.

I'll be continuing with this point in depth over time now that I see it. For now, I'll continue with some corrective applications..

When and as I see myself desiring to be with a woman for the sake of validating my ability to get her, I stop I breathe. I realize that this character is supporting a limited, self-serving time-loop where I do not consider, at all, how I can make the world at large a better place.

I commit myself to self-respect, so that I no longer come from a place that needs to be validated by a women. Within this, I realize that without self-respect, I am not respecting the woman as an equal citizen of the earth, and rather just a means to charge my mental system: validation-insecurity

When and as I see myself in self-doubt, I stop I breathe. I realize now that this is a creation of my mind within and as a fear orientation toward self. I commit myself to further investigation of how and why I have chosen to live through this character that needs validation from the starting point of fear...fear of loss...fear of losing the girl of my dreams.

I commit myself to stopping this character within and as me.

I commit myself to stopping this character that seeks to be cooler for the end purpose of obtaining the most beautiful woman that I can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to settle for a girl that I don't really like. Ha. This is a key driving force. I commit myself to breathing and walking out of my sick mind so that I may contribute as a one and equal participant in supporting global oneness and equality.

Thanks for reading. I know it was a long one...and it's not over yet. If this post resonated with you and you're not already destonian: Join us in walking self-honesty, if you dare to expose the characters you are responsible for creating (publicly is optional; just exposing self to self is quite a journey).

From Heaven's Journey to Life - Day 232