Day 325 - Missing my friends

It's been just over a year since I graduated college, and one of the major associated events is the friends I had last year are graduating and leaving the area. I no longer have the ability to drive down and visit all of them as I had done last month. Loss. The design of the experience is fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to reconnect with all my past friends.

This is really my holding on to the memories that I had when I was going to school with them. I had a lot of fun when I went to visit recently, but it was different. I was chasing a memory and instead ended up creating a new memory to get attached to. Like a nostalgic feeling, but also strongly associated with the people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to, and define myself by a memory, wherein I fear losing that chapter, that part of myself, and being unable to ever relive those moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to relive my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back in time to live my past differently with the knowledge I have now. = regret

Soon after my visit was over, I had a dream that burnt into my memory banks forever. It was basically all of them singing this song with an elaborate movement performance in the streets of Isla Vista. It was like a 'goodbye' show directed at me, and there was this overall feeling of connection and honor. I didn't reflect on it too much, but now that I do, here's what comes up: I personally feel a connection and honor toward them. 

There is this concept that I like to apply, I call it "loving detachment." It's like a perceptual frame that I willingly live to keep moving through life and not really pay attention to my past relationships. It seems now like it exists as a coping mechanism to avoid my fear of loss of past relationship, whereas I have usually always considered it to just be a smart/superior way to move through life. In fact, I was protecting myself from being in the vulnerable position of being left behind myself. I can support this conclusion also by the fact that I always wanted to stay friends with my ex-girlfriends. I'm sure I had a few mental tools / programs that I implemented to avoid feeling sad or uncomfortable or inferior. It was a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chose to create and live in an illusionary perspective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this was the best way lead a life, by keeping myself in the positive experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the affect I've had on others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others' perspectives less than my own.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others poorly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about myself and my own experience of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like having friends to support my ego / superiority frame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have friends just to support my ego / superiority frame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my friends to support my ego/ superiority frame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends because they no longer support my ego / superiority frame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends.

I realize now that the design of missing friends and attachment to memories is really me as a mind trying to preserve my characters / personalities that I enjoyed. The positive experiences of myself in a certain context. To get stuck in the past, to fear loss / letting go of my personal memories with my friends, is me wanting to preserve a part of myself as a particular personality and experience of myself.

This is silly. Not only does it take away from my creative powers that are here as me building myself by adapting to my immediate environment in a way that is best for all, but I'm also fighting to save an energetic layer of myself. This energy is a personality character that I created in my head and lived out in a social environment. It's an illusion that I built and lived, and thus validated. And when this version of me loses it's momentum, when the social and environmental stimulation no longer feeds it, I'm going through this feeling of loss.

When and as I see myself longing to be in the past, in a memory with specific individuals, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this past scenario will never again happen just the same. I commit myself to flag this self-compromising form of nostalgia and releasing my attachments to it through investigating it and speaking/writing specific self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself desiring to relive a moment of favorable, past interaction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, and my life can only be lived to it's utmost potential in this moment. I commit myself to realigning myself with hereness, with breath, whenever I see myself day dreaming in the past.

This process has to happen. I can't allow myself to define myself based on energetic personality interactions, and go my whole life from within a perspective of self-interest and experience seeking. At what cost is "fun"? To think about the many that can't afford fun, the many that die and will die because of world systemic inefficiency, and then to also be aware of how I can make a difference with a bit of hard work...and then still just sit around wanting to feel good...no.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good while being ignorant of my ignorance is bliss stance.

I know what is at stake. To live here and not support what is best for all is going out of style. The quicker we all educate ourselves on our individual responsibility to support what's best for the whole, the sooner we can all start living a dignified life. Research and support the BIG solution (example). This is our shot. The window of opportunity is a moment where you make a choice. Investigate who you are within that. Why did you go this route? Where do your priorities lie? How much longer can you justify regrettable pursuits? Aha! Hehe.

To all my college friends: I cherish and honor you all. Thank you for the range of experiences. Enjoyable to educational. My only regret is trying impress you. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than you and trying to disprove my self-doubt with a multifaceted facade of personalities that truly aren't who I am. The consequences of living to present myself in a certain way had unforeseen consequences. Thank your for the memories that I will always have and be able to work with in my journey of self-discovery. I commit myself to waste no more time trying to relive old personalities. I commit myself to further investigating the intent/motivations of my self-made energetic characters. You will be able to read it all here.

Thank you.