Day 253 - Post Breaking Point

Continuing from yesterday's post: Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road, though I've been working on this point of self-directed, self-leadership since before the beginning of the year. See posts:
Day 160 - Basis of Self-Leadership for 2013 and Beyond!Day 141 - Establishing Self-Leadership.
Prepare for a long post. I'm going to hit every angle I can in this moment, and also recognize whatever comes up while I'm writing. Like, I can even recognize how I'm loaded with this energy, wanting to get this all out in one moment. There is a feeling-undertone that I've already succeeded and overcome all obstacles all at once. It's like a positive feeling reaction to realization, insight. I realize this as an energy, and I'm ready to address it, here, in every lived moment of every breath.

I've been working to get myself grounded with the physical, to be here, and be the change I want to see within my living. A lot of my struggle has been with delay, and giving into temptation in the face of any experienced resistance. Check out my my Day 140 - Delay Point Expounded to see how I've expanded my perspective of how delay affects me in such a way that I give up on myself, submit, and give all of my power over into the mind energetic movements. This is the reality of me that I have been reluctant to face, a point that's reached a new level of clarity in my recent Day 251 - Embarrassing to Underperform post.

And now, I've reached a rather interesting and exciting point in my process. I have gone through enough material, built enough context and perspective to realize who I am in a moment. Through my own self-investigative writing, through reading heaven's blog (particular excerpts to follow), and through the totality of my participation within the Desteni group, I have reached an understanding of what I need to do. What is at stake in every decision moment. How I am able to get a grip on my inner quarrel. And it's not as easy as writing this post. (An assumption I had been making that came to surface yesterday)

The Desteni I Process is not a 'push play' procedure. It's more of structured way to begin really looking at self, to develop self-honesty so that we may stand up on our own feet and thoroughly investigate the totality of self. No more fear movement to self-distraction. It's a decision of free will, to stop the determined flow of our individual destiny of comfort/discomfort via external stimuli. There are a lot of things that it is and is not, so don't let my words be the extent of your comprehensive investigation. I can't effectively walk this process for anyone but me. The ultimate responsibility for self, is here as self. Ya, you!

EQAFE has been a major support within this current realization. A small snowball started a month ago when I listened to an interview that gave perspective on how I am Deliberately Sabotaging my Own Change. Today, I enjoyed my first listen to the Atlanteans' Support part 68 - The Living of Self Forgiveness, and this particular interview was of great assistance in seeing how to handle some of key struggle points in relation to living self-change.

Which brings me to my next point of support I wish to briefly outline. The recent (Day 321-335)  Heaven's Journey to Life blogs have been supporting this same point as the detail of self-change, self-movement, self-responsibility, the problems/barriers and solution. I've found then highly supportive and well worth the investment of time. Walking with heaven's blog reveals the nature of walking one's own process: Necessarily slow and thorough, as opposed to my earlier attempts to correct self with a quick, shallow investigation and writing of self-forgiveness. "Not so fast, tough guy!" I say to myself.

Here are some key selections that I found rather insightful:

Perhaps my favorite post of the series, and one I highly recommend a full reading of:
Self Change through Self Movement: DAY 332
"First and foremost – it is to not go into that energy polarity between fear of failure or laziness that then accumulate enough from the negative to then transfer into the positive as desire. We are not saying within this that “you are not going to become disciplined or successful” - You are going to change in becoming disciplined / successful, but it is going to be done within a starting point of a decision and a commitment. And from that decision / commitment, a self movement emerge in how you are going to change yourself to practical application; not with energy, but within an awareness, with self as a starting point, with a decision as a starting point - and from that self awareness, as decision, as a starting point: one will move self and not be moved or be dependent on energy to be able to move or to change."

The last post of the series, showing how we are like sleeping observes inside of ourselves:
Waking up from the Consciousness Dream world: DAY 335
"I forgive myself that I haven’t ever accepted and allowed myself to, REALLY for a moment STOP and realize that what comes up within me in my mind, my ME, my environment, my physical body: I am the directive principle of - meaning that, there is most certainly, most definitely not another human being within me, there is not another being occupying this physical body. Therefore, that I had never accepted or allowed myself to, really have a look at the power, the ability that I have within this relationship, to ME, in terms of what I accept and allow to exist within me, as me and what not. That it was like, I was in this constant, continuous slumber or sleep, within me – you know, registering what’s going on within myself, but not realizing that I have the ability to change it.And it’s actually exactly the same, now that I look at it, in terms of what happens in dreams. In dreams, we register that it’s happening, but we don’t realize that we can actually wake up in our dreams and direct them and change them. And so within this: I commit myself to assist and support myself to wake up within my relationship to myself, in what I accept and allow to exist within my ME, my mind, my environment, my physical body – to start registering, start realizing what it is that I’m accepting and allowing within and as it. Primarily seeing, realizing and understanding that the energy polarities of the positive and negative are most certainly not the solution. I decide to be here, to live here, to ground myself, to stabilize myself within my physical body, to explore and discover and find out what it means to express me, to live me, to know who I am in every moment of breath."
I could go on, but it's pretty difficult to take a paragraph out of context and preserve the impact it had on me. So, if you are struggling at all with self-change (as most of do), take some time to build perspective on how and why it's so difficult. To understand the difference of creating a character/personality within energy for temporary change vs. a stable commitment, is priceless information. Have slow read through What will it Take for Human Nature to Change?: DAY 329 for more on that.

To sum up my realization of the day/month/several months: I am the the only one standing in my way. I am the director of my moment-to-moment movements, as well as the one that allows myself to be directed by energy of the mind as fear, desire, resistance, and every variant of felt push/pull that isn't a stable directive application of myself. Here, as one and all, I choose to act in alignment with what's best within a common sense, comprehensive consideration for every point of affected out flow. Am I perfect? No, it is a process. We must embody patience if we're ever to give ourselves the chance to really become intimate with ourselves, and work through the the creation of our characters that prevent us from considering what's best for all.

In posts to come, I'll work through the structure of self-forgiveness and corrective application in a way that is practically lived. For now, I stop I breathe, I realize that within energy I can get ahead of myself and create ineffective time-loops of self education. I commit myself to begin really living my process, my change. Thanks for the support all.