Over the past few months of practicing yoga, I began utilizing my savasana as a time to practice staying in my body, with my breath. I do this by applying the 4-count breath technique. Lindsay Craver did a blog post that gives a good idea of what this tool is and how it is used here.
I've tried this technique many times to support myself to remain present and grounded, here, within my physical body. Today I finally noticed a pattern of having the most trouble with holding the in-breath.
I contemplated on what this could mean. The first thing to mind was my presence. By anxiously rushing through the in-breath hold, I was severely compromising my presence. I associated this phenomena/habit of cutting my in-breath short with self-doubt and impatience. I experimented: When I held my in-breath, I was really, really present for it. I could visualize myself moving more effectively from this starting point.
Now, I am noticing myself fall into another consciousness trap. From that in-breath, I decided to direct myself into a visualization/imagination of potential out flow. That in itself isn't the trap. The trap is buying into or becoming vested in the feeling of being in control, unencumbered as a result of my imagined successfullness. I walked that point in the beginning of my 10 day series on success.
- I realized I've been short changing myself by not being present with my in-breath.
- I realized the power of staying present within my in-breath is presence itself,
- and the ability to direct self.
- I directed myself into an experiment of testing the difference in my relationship to my in-breath when cut short vs when I am patient and give myself the full 4 counts.
Why might I be rushing through the in-breath:
- I do not trust that my breath will carry me.
- weird fear, maybe related to my underwater fears post.
- Related to not trusting myself
- fear of being present
- fear of being self-responsible.
- trusting the mind consciousness system
- feels safe, known, & comfortable
By not embracing my in-breath, I am not present. It's the difference between automatic living mode and self-directed living. It's very easy to forget about the breathing...must set lots of flag points!
Utilize flag points to prevent full system possession states of being. Acquire awareness and build flag points through writing. Awareness of every breath is not a goal I hope to achieve tonight...or ever (within the context of hope). I will stay consistent within my process of self-realization within self-honesty to realize my breathing in every moment. To hold an expectation, goal, or hope is to externalize the responsibility to live as this mental/behavioral change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to undervalue my breathing application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to just breathe and be the breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is hard to be aware of my breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am my breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that becoming aware of every breath is a process that will be walked over the course of many years, that my mind is the starting point of wanting it done as soon as yesterday.
I commit myself to repeatedly bring myself back into my breath, not to fight the mind, but to work with it in discovering why and where I am still afraid to fully be with every in-breath.
I commit myself to becoming evermore acquainted with my breath, until it's of my nature to be within and as every breath.
I redesign myself here.
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