Day 255 - Who am I within Commitment? Part 2

I commit myself to writing out everything, not allowing personal shame or embarrassment hold me back.

I commit myself to show you that I'll still be alive and well by the time I add one more '5' to the end of 'Day 255.' This blog will be the proof of my commitment to full integrity because I'm not going to be able to bullshit 7 years of writing, especially with the premise of self-honesty. Check out all the Journey to Life Blogs to get an idea of what it takes.

Regarding that first commitment, this shame/embarrassment factor has played a significant role thus far. Since the beginning of my interactions, I had this fear of diminishing my reputation and through that, I held myself back from participating. I was around the Desteni material for over 2 years with a constant backchat that I didn't want to participate and compromise my self-image. What will people think of me?..and so on and so forth. I've recently realized how I've preserved this fear by defining my involvement within Desteni as something that will one day be seen as prestigious. Through that, I realized that I wasn't only still afraid to assert myself and participate, I was allowing myself to piggy-back on the Desteni name. Shame is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to transfer the fear of losing my reputation into a passive leech-like state of association with an organization that I perceive will automatically establish my positive reputation. Ah, the depth is nice.

" fear of losing my reputation"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how others perceive my by placing value in my reputation, not realizing that my true reputation will be a reflection of my own self-honest work.

I commit myself to the realization of my self-honest work ethic within everything that I do.

The issue of shame and embarrassment is a work in progress. Stay tuned. I want to briefly dive into other areas of troublesome self-commitments and expose a few reasons why I am struggling to produce lasting self-change. The first one to mind is my nail biting habit. I've tried stopping this habit several times, and I have  been able to stop for at most a month, but I typical falter much sooner. When I first began this JTL blog, I hit my nail biting habit over a three day period and it only provided a temporary charge of illusionary change. Since then I've sparsely and timidly made a few posts about the nail biting, but the truth is I was crippled by failure. I had manifested the failure that I feared, and I allowed it to spiral into defeated character. Boo hoo, poor me. Na, screw that. I realize now how dumb that is. Why would I not just get back up and keep trying until I succeed?

And on to the reasons for giving up on my commitments:

  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not have enough information to carry forward with stopping my participation. By placing self-change as something great and significant, I had set myself up for failure.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make self-change something special that requires something more than what I can handle at that point in time, believing I need to be something more to stop myself.

The above here is my primary justification for allowing myself to to take a failure and let it define me. This is not a real self-commitment. This is me showing me who I am in relation to self-honest commitment. So the take away point from this parable is: don't give up so quickly! I only required to dig deeper and see where the problem is. What is the nature of the problem? How have I rendered myself unable/helpless/victim in relation to the point I am facing? What is it exactly that I don't understand? Breathe here. If I don't know what I don't know, AND I react to that = self-sabotage. If I don't know what I don't know, and I breathe, I can much more practically take on the situation = self-support.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to simply play victim of a greater force and give up on myself. I realize that I have support from all of humanity, and yet I am the one that must walk through the challenges  of applying and living self-commitments.

The second key factor in faltering on my commitments is my start point is wack. How can I make a commitment to myself if I make it for others?

  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write commitment because I believed I had to as others were reading/watching me. In this separation, I placed the responsibility of accountability in others. I made my readers my policeman. In ways I still do this, and this point will need to be expanded on soon. I'm sick telling myself that I must get the blog done before midnight so my readers can see that I write daily.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make commitments to myself, strictly for myself. I never liked making promises to anyone, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to place others before self, where I write for them instead of me.
I commit myself to stop and breathe before I make any more commitments to myself. <-- This is a significantly different starting point. Typically, in the past, I've been spewing out self-commitments while considering if/how others will hold me accountable. This starting point is ineffective.

I commit myself to begin making all my commitments from the starting point consideration of practicality in the sense of my ability to actually carry them through into my actual living.

I commit myself to stop spewing commitments for the sake of a good show. Starting point is huge. This ties back into my reputation issue. I've for so long defined myself externally, that I've only ever tried to put on a good show. Self-honesty is HUGE game changer.

And I'm super down. So stop being a clown. Why do you frown? Get out of town. ...I'm done.