The idea of only being able to commit to certain things, kind of blows my mind. It's like I am leaving room for excuses to not become committed. For example, women. I've never wanted to commit to one woman before/yet because of all the reasons I can come up with related to loss of freedom. Oh dear, what have I opened up?
Loss of freedom will be a point I'll have to walk later because it's still heavily set and I don't feel confident in taking this on yet. The point I'm trying to illustrate is how I can still have excuses and justifications that are valid according to my per existing perspective. Hence, there is a journey to be walked here.
I have committed myself to walking this process of realigning my interests to serve what is best for everyone instead of only just me. That wasn't too difficult of a commitment, and yet so many challenges lie within. I definitely did want to hold onto my specialness or the idea of how great I am. I didn't realize that as a limitation in the beginning. And it seems that I'm considerably challenged everyday as I move and see who I am or have been. There's a lot that is not in alignment with best for all, and the secret here is simply to give oneself patience. I am responsible for my flaws, and I give myself the time to properly address them. Sometimes I suppress them. Like with women and my desire for lots a sex, I suppressed that because there's like this huge, momentous energy of self-definition that I fear losing. Again, patience within process, else I'dd not be able to stay focused and walk anything through effectively. Right now, I'm discovering where I can practically commit to change, and where I am telling myself that I can't so I may further investigate.
I have committed myself to stop using porn. Not sure exactly when, but it was a while ago. I fell 5 times before I stood stable within that decision. This was certainly a struggle point, and I bet there are several men who straight up think I'm lying. But it is true. I got to the point of realizing the cycle of desire and then unsatisfied. I was becoming aware of how my real world relationships are effected through judgments of beauty conditioned by the porn industry. Now that's some shit. People are getting paid the big bucks to subconsciously tell me who to date and find attractive. It's like no one really knows what's happening, and worse, no one wants to know. If you're at all curious about your relationship to masturbation, I encourage a listen to these FREE interviews from EQAFE. They are only recently being released for free to support the people that are wasting their lives with an addictive relationship to a fantasy world. Without porn, self-intimacy can emerge, producing infinitely less guilt/regret, and a much more stable relationship with oneself.
I have committed to eating no more donuts. Kind of a random one, but one day I just had enough and told myself that I was eating my last donut. The basis was sugar plus simple carbs that quickly break down into sugar = SUGAR BOMB. And eventually, I'd like to stop my sugar consumption. It's often a reckless pursuit of a desired experience of pleasurable taste stimulation. I don't care, nor am I aware of the affect within my body. I know that diabetes comes from abusing our insulin response mechanisms. And I know people can live without sugar. So with limiting this commitment to just donuts, I was able to test my ability to stick to a commitment. And I have.
Final big point of commitment that I've already begun living: no more weed! This one deserves a post all on its own, so I won't go into it too much here. Basically, I decided vaguely that my stop date would be December 21st, 2012 so that "when the world ended, I could start the new world sober." (oh yeah and I quit alcohol sometime in Fall 2011; more on that in another post as well). I do miss smoking at times, but more so the positive memories of social bonding and that whole irresponsible lifestyle that I was leading...which makes my wonder why I really miss it...I don't. It's just as silly attachment to the past, like being a child and not having a care in the world. I've grown up. I'm learning what it is to really become a responsible citizen of this earth.
I've been itching to get out what my prior commitments are. Not sure if I'm really benefiting from this post by simply reporting my past commitments, and perhaps my primary aim was at the readers who struggle with some of these relationships. As I go deeper into what's at play in each of these relationships, I'll link to the future before. I suppose I have benefited by laying the framework of my past decisions so that I can see and reference who I am. I think another reason I was timid to bring up my commitments was a subtle underlying doubt that I've actually committed. After all I wouldn't want my readers losing faith in me, haha, another fear of loss that acts to hold me down.
I'll continue tomorrow by expanding on some of the areas where I still struggle living commitments to. Thanks for reading, reader.