Day 381 - Living Life: It's Not So Hard

This post is a general post about several specific instances where I found that applying myself wasn't nearly as bad as I was making it up to be in my mind.

• Public speaking
• Reading a book
• Writing a blog post
• Learning a 'difficult' subject
• Making a sandwich
• Waking up and getting out of bed
• and many other physical movements

In my past, I've avoiding this issue by going with the flow of it. If there was a discomfort in relation to doing or saying something, I wouldn't do it unless there was a really high reward, or a really negative consequence motivating me. Which brings into question: Was I every really making choices, or was I just being continuously swayed by my inner, reactive experiences to external stimuli?

As I've been walking this Journey to Life process, the aspect of my driving motivation has come into question often. I see that I'm moving from a self-interested, zombie-like human being, into a more considerate and responsible human being. Part of that process requires that I push myself to speak and act within an honor and integrity, even if I don't feel like it. So there is a battle between mind-consciousness generated feelings and emotions and other mind-consciousness generated feelings.

This is the nature of the inner struggle. It is the design of polarity that the mind uses to ensnare us in dilemmas that were not ever real to begin with. The solution is to create a structure for oneself. We are only ever a breath away from stabilizing in our physical body. The trick is to realize when we're in the throes of our mind reality, and this is accomplished largely by placing in a structure that serves as a self-supportive flag point to realize who self is in the bigger picture. As soon as the realization hits: STOP, BREATHE.

What I've noticed more vividly in recent times is that when we get to the point of applying ourselves within any physical movement, it's almost never as bad as we've worked it up to be in our heads. So, to begin phase one of implementing a preventative structure, I'm going to walk the self-forgiveness to disengage myself from the magnetic-like adherence of Self to/within/as Mind. Then the commitment statements serve to provide a new set of rules or structure for how I will direct myself when external stimulus comes in, essentially rewriting my inner script with awareness, moving from self-interested self-abuse into self-aware expression of what is best for all life.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my living expression through participating in the throes of consciousness when faced with a physical participation act that I have resistance toward. In this, I realize that the initial resistance is the first sign of participating in the energetic struggle of the mind. When and as I see myself desiring to do something else, something other than what I originally intended to do, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to consider the biggest picture, to sit and write everything out on paper if I must, and to push myself through any resistance-energy that comes up so that I may focus on my responsibilities with the highest priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts that come up as excuses and justifications are valid. I see here that with my self-generated excuses comes a specific energy signature that resonants: "this is true; I am right." Within that, I realize that I am automatically believing the thoughts that come up in my mind because I believe myself to be those thoughts, and I don't want to contradict myself! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to fight for my excuses to be right. Just because they came up first and automatically, doesn't mean that I must obey this initial thought. When and as I'm in resistance energy, and I see myself going into and with my first thought, I stop, I breathe. I remember that I am making a decision of who I am in a single moment. Do I really want to be with/as an excuse? Is that all I choose to express, my own limitations? I commit myself to breathe and sort out my decision process, in retrospect, when I see that I am not the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to applying the tool of asking myself: "Is this really what I want to being doing right now?" And answering this self-honestly.

When and as I see myself thrown into the inner consciousness struggle through a moment of fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not an expression of fear, unless I am within and as the mind consciousness system. I commit myself to breathe into my physical body and push through the fear, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I realize that this commitment will require time and constant application. I realize that I will not be perfect in the beginning, and thus I commit myself to allow myself to fall and fail; however, I also commit myself to investigate the timeline of external and internal events that produced that consequence, so that I may walk the self-forgiveness and align the correction within me, so that next time, I am prepared to direct myself despite the energetic draw into a mental self-sabotaging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of inner conflict when faced with such a simple task as making a sandwich. I realize that the deeper issue within this is facing uncertainty. This relationship with uncertainty requires further investigation and structure. I commit myself to bringing this point through into writing in a future post. For now, I commit myself to recording the experience and flow of events when faced with uncertainty. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the mind entry point of uncertainty. More on this to come.

I see, realize, and understand that there are many versions of resistance energy. The nature, the experience, how they feel and the perception of the power they have over me - it is all what I make it to be, what I accept it to be, what I allow it to be. Within this, I realize that I must create a structure for each form of energy that scoops me up into a mind-based perception of reality. Every specific instance where I allow myself to become thought, feeling or emotion requires a specific structured flag point. At the end of this process I will only ever exist as a breath, as one and equal with all existence, as a participant who chooses to direct himself and his world within the common sense principle of what is best for all.

Until then, I commit myself to investigate everything and keep what is best.

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Day 377 - The Art of Self-Love

I've not been showing myself the love that I know to be true.

As some of my readers may already know, I've not been so consistent with my "daily" blogging. In the beginning, I forced myself to pump out a blog every day, even if it meant producing a sub-par post. I did this because I was more concerned about proving myself to myself and my readers that I could maintain a daily blog. I realized that I was compromising myself by not giving myself enough time to get to the nitty-gritty of my inner self and mind consciousness systems that I was finding within my being, so I disbanded that external pressure to post everyday (before midnight) in an attempt to produce high quality content.

It turned into a backdoor for excuses to not push through the resistance toward writing publicly. These excuses would transform and upgrade over time. It's imperative to find a system to keep this in check, and that's exactly what I've been missing. Now, this applies to everything and everyone. Whatever it is that you really want to do, but don't - you must do. Why? This is self-love.

Now must be clear that this DOES NOT include the things that you want to do. This is art of self-love is a caring, compassionate, considerate giving of yourself to yourself. It's about what you REALLY WANT, which is nothing short of what is best for all. How do I know that? I've tested it. "Give as you would like to receive" is legitimate. I can't really enjoy myself if I'm in such a state of self-interest that I don't consider the wholesome consequences of my words/actions in the context of the biggest picture.

But here's the interesting part: I didn't realize the format of self-interest that I have been in these past few months. It didn't look like the expected form of self-interest which kind of looks like an egocentric, greedy person in my mind. It was on the other end of the spectrum. There was a new form of financial uncertainty that I was going through and I couldn't see it clearly because I hadn't experienced it before AND because I wasn't writing consistently. Being consistent in any venture is one of the pivotal for success. In the Journey to Life process, it's no different. Consistent application yields quantifiable results.

To do less than everything you can is a sign that you've let resistance determine your self-direction. To be stable and consistent allows an individual to thrive in their pursuit of any goal. What is self-love, but thriving and growing and becoming your highest potential to leave this world better off than when it was when you were born?

See, that's the kicker that us Destonians get. Self-Love is All-Love. Self is Other. You could argue that it's human nature to be self-interested pleasure seeking survivalists, but once you really understand the mind, and yourself in relation to the mind, to support what is Best for All is common sense. To embody and live by the principle of what is Best for All requires a process, hence this 7-year journey to life blog. And what does a process require? Consistency.

--

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have been compromising my self-love by casually allowing myself to go into resistance energy instead of standing stable and walking my process consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine my process by not giving myself the structured commitment to remain consistent in my expression of self-love as self-support through writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to temporarily hide my acceptance of excuses/justifications, so that I could delay being self-honest, not realizing that this seemingly innocent delay of self-honesty is, in fact, self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my wants and desires that are a function of my individual satisfaction, before common sense that is rooted in wholesome consideration of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a system of self-application that would support me to be consistent within my process. For example: I started placing my #1 priority into a 'special box' and can only put one priority in at a time. This has helped me stay focused. There are many creative ways to support yourself. Find something that works for you!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences procrastination and inconsistency.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to clearly define each process and the steps I must take first to become successful in my pursuit of what is best.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize the pattern of self-abuse that is not self-love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive the importance/value of self-love as less than what it is.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to define self-love.

When and as I see myself in a state of inconsistent self application, I stop I breathe. I commit to take a look at who I've been within my recent decisions. I commit myself to create a shift within myself to get back to a physical process which can measured. I commit myself to do what needs to be done to create this alignment with me. I commit myself to always return to physicality and hold myself responsible to do so.

When and as I see myself delaying responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I must more clearly define why and/or how I must move myself to create in the physical reality, I shall do so. I commit myself to clarify uncertainties that allow me to more easily move into excuses and justifications.

When and as I see myself moving within self-interest and denial of the biggest picture, I stop, I breathe in, I hold this breath for 3 seconds, I stabilize myself in my physical body, I stop the energy that urges my involvement, I breathe out, I apply myself in the physical reality through/with/as the principle of doing what is best for all, because I realize that this is what I really want. This is Self-Love.

Day 372 - Expanding on My Automated Lifestyle

Going with the theme of my last two posts:
Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior

Day 371 - Accidental Self Programming

I'm noticing more and more ways that I have subscribed to lifestyles that I don't necessarily want to have anymore. The nail biting opened this point up, where I became aware of myself biting my thumb nail, I stopped and I saw myself choose to continue biting while I distracted myself in a mental analysis of this act, and finally saw the consequential outflow of that choice being automatically repeated on a subconscious level. The general concept here being that the choices we make are stored and executed in future scenarios when applicable.

What's wrong with this? Oh, I'll tell you whats wrong with it! Mainly, it's the perpetuation of the past. The choices I made minutes to years ago may not necessarily be the same choice that I would make in the present moment. New information comes to light. It would be commonsense to adapt one's perspective to meet the most currant criteria, right? And I'm sure that some people are really good at doing this.

But what happens when...oh let's say you come across this online community going by the name of Desteni, and they proclaim that all is one and equal, which practically boils down to doing what is best for all. This destiny shattering perspective implies that one must now shift the starting point of the creation of one's automated lifestyle choices from self-interest to best-for-all-interest. I've been trying to just stop biting my nails for about 6 years.

The obvious point here is that this kind of self-transformation will take a long time. Rumor has it that if I take this process seriously, and everyday, every moment, every breath I apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and corrective application; in 7 years time I will have disintegrated enough of my consciousness programming to see as life. We're all just organic robots with this elaborate mind consciousness system telling us what to thinks, see, hear, and do. Life awareness is tremendously suppressed.

I imagine this life awareness embodied living to be much like freedom from automated lifestyles. There is only a breath and a commonsense action. Not even thinking is required, as the best for all answer is already here as self's instantaneous expression. Aware of every breath. The physical reality is the only reality that  is valid. Supporting other organic robots will be no different than how I supported myself throughout this long journey to life.

But here, it is important to note that creating a future projection of what it might be like to have finished my individual process is not something to get attached to, as that would perpetuate my current perspective. I see it, I let it go. I commit myself to live here in breath.

And now for the dreaded list of programs that I have running my life today. Also important to note here that a negative judgement and taking these habits personally will only prolong my process of realizing and applying the solution. I must stand as the problem and the solution simultaneously if I am to take responsibility for my past and intentionally create the best for all solution that I can practically apply in my daily living.

• Sleeping in, or napping from a mental tiredness - induced when facing resistance; rather than physically induced tiredness.
• Eating for pleasure (i.e. sweets) and eating as a way to delay facing resistance.
• Shopping to get a good deal - allowing those who study the psychology of consumerism manipulate me into buying things I don't really need or even want, oddly enough.
• Watching mini-marathons of TV episodes - allowing the hook at the end to pull me in to another hour that I wasn't really planning to kill.
• Exercise, doing it to achieve a value in appearance/ego, rather than simply keeping my physical body in healthy, self-supportive condition.
• Working for an ego desire to be seen positively by others, rather than working to create a systems that support what is best for all on all levels: personal, interpersonal, & universal.

There are most certainly more programs that I must face. This is just to give an idea of what I am still accepting and allowing at Day 372.

The only choice that remains: Am I going to be self-honest, see the bigger picture and take responsibility to manifest my fullest potential, or am I just going to go with the flow and allow my past to create my future?

...Perhaps realizing your fullest potential isn't going to happen automatically.
lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 369 - Playing the Fool

Things just got bumped to the next level of serious. I currently now reside in the small town of Medfield Massachusetts in a quaint little apartment house with Garbrielle Goodrow. She and I have recently embarked on a life venture together known as an Agreement by fellow Destonians. I've spent the past few days just settling in: unpacking, adjusting to the cold weather, getting sick, setting up the internet, the basics.

Tonight was unique in two ways. One, I now live with a dog for the first time in my life! Woo! Two, we tested out the Tarot Cards that I had just unpacked from my luggage of goodies. Our starting point was curiosity, but my reason for bringing them in the first place was to find process points we could walk together. By process points, I mean issues or relationships within ourselves that need to be corrected or aligned into a stability that supports what is best for self and all. It turned out to be the most intense, self-reflecting, reading I've ever done.

Without getting too much into it, I’ll just give the highlights that need to be focused on here in my journey to life. The main card that was pulled was the Fool, and all the following cards were to be read in the context of the first card. In essence, the overall message was not good, and the way that I interpreted it all was by seeing the choice to either continue playing the fool in and of my life, or get self-honest and start directing myself to create outcomes that are best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live a light-hearted and free spirited life, wherein I do not concern myself with real world problems, just enough to survive and support my little world inside my head where I am this awesome person that has nothing weighing me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the outcome of this tarot card reading is inevitable and that I will likely fail in achieving my goals. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to overcome my preprogramming: to act the fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through fearing the playout of my original destiny, I empower it by giving into this fear energy reaction, participating in it, and thus creating a starting point for manifesting it in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear in my self-creation process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed by this tarot card reading into a self-compromising belief and self-judgment, instead of simply acknowledging the information and investigating a practical solution within the creation of myself and how I live on a day to day basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of my past behaviors. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too difficult for me to actually change myself, to create myself in spite of my preprogrammed destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

Taking all into consideration, I commit myself to no longer fearing my own fears, because within this I realize that I disempower myself to overcome fear and direct myself creation efforts from a clear starting point of here and now, within and as a breath.

Also, when and as I see myself looking at my past mistakes and failures in relation to who I want to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not necessarily bound by my past. I commit myself to not judge my past, nor fear it. I commit myself to utilize my memories to see where I might has wanted to do something differently, and then write about it, align the solution within me, and map out how I will walk the correction from now onward, effectively putting the past to good use :)

When and as I see any fear building up within me, I stop, I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go willy-nilly about my world creating outcomes that started from an internal starting point of fear. Within this I realize that I must become more specific with each exact fear to effectively stop this process of mental programming creation. And so, I commit myself to get specific with the fears that still hold me back from unconditional self-expression, and release them through the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I commit myself to flagging all fears for processing as such.

When and as I see that I am desiring to live a care free life, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this luxury is not available in our current world system for anyone AND everyone. Therefore, I commit myself to putting in the man-hours to ensure that I am adequately supporting myself financially, and then putting the extra man-hours to contribute everything I can to the creation of a world system that supports what is best, from birth to death, for all.

Day 367 - Participating in the Creation of a Shared Reality

As the only person at the new years party that doesn't drink alcohol, I found myself awkwardly putting my fist up into the mix of plastic red cups as one of the random party goers announces a toast. Just before I did so, I was standing back and observing the situation as an outsider. The spirit of togetherness was embedded in that 'cheers' speech, and the guy said to no one in particular, "come on! I know we can all get in on this." That's when I realized he was, in part, talking to me. Getting everyone involved was more important than the fact that I didn't have a drink in my hand.

It was at this moment that I could see the dynamic of a shared reality in contrast to just observing the scene without even a real awareness that you're even in the room yourself! I reflected on it a bit, and the implications of this realization are expansive, and I will do my best to articulate them here to solidify my understanding and embodiment of them, and to share them with you. I will expand on each with context in posts to come as I commence the process of integrating this concept into actions.

The first and coolest aspect of this realization is that regardless of whether or not you choose to participate in the group dynamic or not, one is still creating reality. In the context of the all-inclusive cheers example, my lack of participating would have had a particular effect on the rest of the group. The main point being that we each have a presence when in a room with other people, and when we're here with people in our immediate environment, we're either within a shared reality, or we're in our minds within a temporary alternate reality.

I don't know about you, but throughout my life, I've spent a lot of time in my own little personal reality, observing and judging those around me. This is where it gets extra interesting: In relation to those around me, I formed opinions and judgments about who I am. This 'who I am' is a mental projection reality version of myself that is idealized and likeable and successful in every area of life. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, my physical participation with others hardly ever matched my internal self-concept formed through judgment. In truth, I actually held myself back from shared reality creation because I have long held a dynamic judgment toward myself, a fear that I would be seen in the same negative light that I see in others.

Moral of the story: judgments are really self-limiting judgments projected onto others, AND this design of judgment is one of those individual alternate mind realities that take us away from the shared group reality. So, just one example of how the mind screws us out of having a good time. But see, the mind is not to blame so much as it is self's choice to go with the mind, into a reality that is not here, is not shared with those in our company. With that:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from others, and within that, suppress myself from fully participating with the shared here-moment, let alone initiate a shared reality. I see, realize and understand this critical moment of being swayed from physical reality up into a mind created reality that primarily includes just myself. I see, realize, and understand how the mind utilizes my identification with the ego-self as a way to justify a prolonged departure into a reality that looks at various dynamics in relation to self as ego only; general examples being fear of judgment, and desire for praise/recognition.

I commit myself to slowly working through each point of self-judgment that the mind uses to keep me invested in alternate realities instead of just walking with common sense from moment to moment. Illustrative personal example from last night: During a drinking game, I observed the only girl left standing in an utter state of inebriation as she continued to attempt getting the ping pong ball in the cup. She was ready to stop and no one would disagree, but the rules of the game and the unspoken need/desire to make it to the end prevented anyone from standing up and saying "enough!" I debated it in my alternate reality creation, playing out the consequences of what would happen if I did assert myself into the situation. The result of this internal debate tends to always favor the mind in terms of protecting the ego, and that's exactly what happened. I eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn't my place to interfere with her choice to play the game. I then projected this conclusion onto the other players of the game, and it seemed to fit their behavior, so I let it go...but did I really let it go? The length of this paragraph shows me that I'm still attached to this moment. There was a lot of mind participation in just this one moment, and I will need to break it down even further.

Side note: This is one reason I resist blogging. A story can open up into another point, and then that point opens up to reveal an interesting dynamic that runs even deeper. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist blogging because I fear that I might write too much on a point that's not directly related to the title of the post, and within this also fearing that if I don't continue to write on the tangent point, that I might miss a critically supportive insight. The solution: Breathe.Take your time. Moving fast is how the mind likes to move (feels good, ego). Moving slow is not, but allows for articulating complexity and bringing a concept into a structured understanding that can be integrated into living application.

More on all this to come. Thanks for reading.

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Day 358 - Why do I fear making decisions?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision. Some of the most prevalent contexts:

• Determining the future direction of my life path
• When my choice might/will cause others to judge me
• To be productive or procrastinate
• Self-interest vs. integrity

Within all my decision making, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself by playing the endless skeptic, jumping from question to question without ever realizing my responsibility to stand as an answer. The indecisiveness that follows yields consequences that have had a real impact in my life. To stand within myself as less than the authority of myself is something I wish upon no one.

I was never before taught what it means to stand as an authority within myself. My perspective defaulted to the passive, background observer type. Perhaps this is one of life's lessons that comes in the dark of night or as a punch to the face. For me, I investigated what Desteni was presenting: self-honesty, self-responsibility, self-this and self-that. Self as one with, and equal to, all of existence...still figuring out the implications of that. Through slowly studying the whole message over several years of patience and perseverance, I conquered many of the fears that held my in my passive, background, observer perspective. I stand before myself today with a clear purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I will make a correct decision, separating myself from the decision and judging it before I've investigated the outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rule my life from the starting point of anxiously choosing the first option that suited me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how I had deluded myself into thinking that by choosing what best serves my self-interest, that I will become superior to others and then be more able to save the world. I forgive myself for never questioning my egoist motives before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on having a quick fix or desirable experience, not even considering the consequential outflows.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that aligning my decisions with what is best for all, is also best for me, except here I can lead my life with real integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the perceived authority of others and passively agree without considering the common sense stuff  like do onto others as you would have done onto you.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place importance in how other's perceive or judge me because I accepted and allowed that to define me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own self-interest of avoiding negative judgment from peers before the interest of what is best for everyone. I didn't even give myself the chance to critically look at my self-interest in this context. When and as I see myself doubting myself through the anticipated or feared judgment of others onto me, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the authority within myself, and I direct myself through a quantum decision to do what is in the best interest of all.

I forgive my past, so that I may move forward. I embrace my past, so that I may learn. I am here, and I decide to stop all the abusive patterns I have accepted and allowed within and as me. I commit myself to stand up, and take responsibility for doing what is best for all. On a practical level, this means writing, sharing, investigating, writing, sharing, eating, sleeping, working, writing and sharing the perspective that I know works: Standing as an authority within myself to live, to act, to lead with the principle of considering all things and keeping what leads to an outcome that is best for all.

I commit myself to breathe, to be real, to be here, to stand stable, to practice, to live, to share myself, to express myself, to end irrational fear, to be practical, to finding the win-win-win (me-you-all) solutions in every moment.

There is nothing to fear about decisions when all is considered.

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Day 353 - Movement Responsibility

Related to this theme I've been working with the past few days, I am realizing that if I don't do it, it doesn't happen. While it may seem obvious, my life experience thus far has been very...automatic. I've just been going with the flow of life, and it's been working out fine, so why would I ever question it? Well, it's not working out so fine anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i'll be okay at the whims of my external world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe that all I have to do is manage and control my reactions to be successful in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to do or say something first so that I could manage and feel in control what happens next....okay, here my mind is spinning trying to get a handle on all the dynamics going on within this one point. This indicates I need to stop, breathe, and take on the first point first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and control others to prevent them from having control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being controlled by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by waiting for others to move first, that I have actually much less control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving first, being a directive principle, because then if others react to me in a negative way, then I would take it personally and risk shattering the idealized image of myself in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and believe in the image of myself in my own mind, not realizing how this function of the mind has been limiting my self expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself desire to move through life and personal interactions passively, because then I don't risk hurting my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am in fact stands on principle and is consistent day to day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is be determined by my external environment and the personal interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am defined according to how others see me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I decide who I am in relation to all circumstances, and in this, I am either reacting in a specific way that matches my past behaviors and/or experience set, or I am standing on a principle that I would live for all of eternity.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for moving myself without an external stimulus. Taking initiative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on external input to be able to move myself. Reaction only.

I commit myself to realizing my directive principle.

I commit myself to realizing I am the directive principle of myself.

I commit myself to realizing my responsibility to direct myself based on principle.

I commit myself to walking the process of becoming a responsible human being that stands for what is best.

I commit myself to start taking the initiative when there is nothing pressuring me to do anything, and within this initiative, I will do what is best.

I commit myself to showing others that I exist as a directive principle, as a person who does what is best for everyone without being told to do it.

I commit myself to stand up and do what is best.

I commit myself to stop allowing past patterns to continue to repeat and stifle my self expression.

When and as I see myself waiting for my environment to inform me of what to do, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can either wait and react to the external movement, or I can take the initiative and utilize common sense to direct myself, and the environment as an extension of myself, to a best for all outcome. Until this is effortless, I commit myself to constantly evaluate the integrity of my stand, and locate all points and patterns of weakness and petty self-interest. By doing this, I take responsibility for how I currently lead my life, and I commit myself to walk the correction into a stable living of the principle of what is best for all.

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Day 346 - Prioritizing Purpose

Continuing from Day 345 Aligning Purpose with Participation.

To sum it up in 3 words:  Best for All


In my own words, this means applying myself to do what is best in the context of everything, all points considered. This is seemingly a tough to ridiculous standard to hold oneself to. Now why is that? Ahhh, that is the question. To be or not to be, principled and living in equality?

I have experienced much difficulty in living the principle of what is Best for All consistently. Walking with Desteni for some time, I've reached a level of knowing that it's physical process to become a constant expression within what is best for all. A physical process takes time, but in the mind, I can think about myself rather quickly. This inflated view of oneself (ego) is just like anything else that becomes inflated: It pops. The illusionary bubble pops when the physical reveals what is reality.

So this idea that living a life in alignment with what is best for all is something difficult or impossible, is the result of investing in the idea of oneself in and as the mind. We as minds don't want to see oneness and equality for many reasons. Check for yourself. (Prompt: Why don't I want to see oneness and equality?)

When and as I see myself out of alignment with what is best for all, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the director of myself, and that even the energies, feelings and emotions that I give in to is an acceptance and allowance of self as less than these energies. I commit myself to realizing the physical reward while letting go of the energy addiction that leads to procrastination.

This is where prioritization comes in. I had previously mentioned the importance of mapping out purpose in the physical, but what's more is that the priority system that must be used to discern what would bring the most benefit all to all must be based on the physical. When looking at priorities, there are many dimensions that once can take into consideration, and this is why 'Best for All' is so nice to work with. We check the alignment of purpose in a comprehensive and physical context, rather than the all too common, blind following of our own mind-energy movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my directive power to my mind by doing what I feel I want to do, instead of considering reality first, as my starting point for self-movement. When and as I see that I am feeling powerless to the desire to procrastinate, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am a physical being, living by the laws of energies that I have programmed throughout my life, and I commit myself to breathing and dissipating that energy, and walking the physcial process of bringing my self-directive will into full application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I must slow down and break down the physical process of moving myself in a context that MATTERs. When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed and unable to continue working toward my physically based, higher purpose, I stop I breathe. I realize here that I can redefine my problem, my context, and whatever I am facing in a moment by stopping the energy participation and having a real look myself in a physical reality context. Within this, I commit myself to mapping out my priorities to make sure that I am effective (first thing's first) and not compromising myself by just feeling my energy experience, and not having a comprehensive consideration of all relevant points.

Within all of this. I realize I am taking on a good chunk of my personality makeup. I commit myself to walk slowly and thoroughly through all of this, to not get ahead of myself and go into an energy reaction of disappointment/discouragement/self-defeat (another system that does not serve what's best for me or all. Mark for deletion.)

I commit myself to seeing my physical purpose, and prioritizing accordingly. The point of resisting the actual doing/work of each prioritized point is another system, of which I now commit myself to clearing, purifying. My mind no longer is allowed to direct me when I'm working on my physical reality purpose points. See ya!

Thanks.

DesteniArtists

Day 314 - Taking Breath for Granted (LSC)

(LSC) = Living Self-Commitments

Continuing from:
Day 312 - Taking Breaths for Granted
Day 313 - Taking Breath for Granted (SF)

For additional support and perspective, I use this wiki page to understand what it is to just breathe.

I commit myself to assist and support myself in realizing myself as my breath.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself excuse and validate my self-dishonesty; to no longer deliberately maintain separation of my breath. I am here with it.

I commit myself to realizing that I am inevitably here with every breath, and through this realization, observe and investigate my state of separation.

I commit myself to keep breathing.

I commit myself to breathe then direct myself.

I commit myself to continue breathing.

I commit myself to breathe and be aware of myself.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when and as I see myself in separation of my breath.

I commit myself to breathe when I am participating in any action, or moment of decision.

I commit myself to actively participate with my breath as soon as I wake up.

I commit myself to breathe throughout the day and reflect on these moments to understand where and when I take breaths to give context and clarity to the moments that I am not yet breathing.

I commit myself to prioritizing my breathing application, and within that

I commit myself to effectively applying myself within my daily responsibilities. When and as I see that I'm not, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can halt an energetic possession and breathe into stability to apply myself effectively within the principle of What's Best For All.

I commit myself to continue breathing and being with my breath, until I breathe no more.

Day 302 - I Process Competition

...is unacceptable.

Recently, a friend of mine started her Journey To Life blog (Breathe), and I am continually impressed. The writing is thorough and honest. My problem is how I am comparing myself, and the mental processes that come from that are utter self-sabotage and in no way supportive for self or other as what's best for all. My ego has revealing itself repeatedly, and I can no longer allow myself to suppress this design of wanting to be more/better than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another in the individual process of self-realization, self-responsibility, and self-honesty otherwise known as the Desteni I Process, with the intent to measure and weigh my effectiveness in my own process - treating it as a race.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I see another human being is doing well / better than I, by wanting to "one up" and do even better myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this desire to "one up" another so that I do not even see, realize or understand my motivation surge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-motivated to give my absolute / unconditional best effort for myself within my individual process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the energy play of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the creating a energetic game of competition in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I take on this orientation / perspective / relationship toward another, I am also motivated to see them do worse / fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish, greedy and competitive, while holding the concept of what's Best for All on a pedestal instead of as a working principle to live into reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my personal responsibility to embody and live the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather support myself within an illusion that this process is a race because I find it easier to measure my value by comparison instead of within utter self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the spoken word to portray myself in a way that doesn't carry over into my living application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special, and thus react when this is threatened by reconstructing my perception and/or changing my behavior to prove myself as more/greater than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this human race baggage into my process and not realize it by judging it as 'bad' and thus suppressing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I suppress what I think is bad so I do not have to face it and change. It is my mind trying to preserve the familiar program. This is not who I am and I do not allow this any longer.

This, specifically being the act of hiding what I don't want to see, to remain within my predictable, reaction relationships to others and my environment. To be self-honest is to not allow exactly this mental behavior. I realize it is a process, a process I commit myself to walking to completion regardless of how fast or slowly others move in their own process. My motivation comes from myself, here, wanting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself hiding my motivations from myself and/or others, I stop I breathe. I realize that NO ONE benefits when I allow shameful motivations to run rampant within me. I commit myself to investigate these points that I fear revealing. First to myself. Walk it through in writing. Understand self's motivations. Where they come from. Breathe. Forgive. Let it go. This fear is not required to live. This fear is in fact standing in my way from effectively applying what is best for all, as shown here today.

When and as I see myself comparing my effectiveness within DIP to how others are doing from an ego stance, I stop I breathe. I realize that no matter how this pursuit ends, my starting point isn't best for all, and so my result is not best for all. I commit myself to really breathing and considering what will yield a best case scenario for all participants.

I commit myself to learn from others and apply myself more effectively in my own process. In doing this, I can encourage others to also apply themselves more effectively. The design of this is similar to competition, but the motivation is stable as self doing what's best for self and all always, and the desire to undermine, cheat, compromise another being in their individual process is nonexistent. Best for all is incredibly better than pure self-interest, and become more and more apparent as I understand and let go of my personal fears that define me and separate me from my neighbors.

I commit myself to mapping my ego. This would be a fun self-directed project to see myself. I'll publish it here, so stay tuned!

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see my ego comparison / competition thought activation. I realize this is not me as life. This is my uncompassionate self-centered personality. Flag point it. I am here, committed to supporting myself as life as an inherent expression of what's best for all, and I will not continue to race with other humans.

Time is ticking. It's silly to waste it in an ego mind game that isn't real. This silly notion that I am special and need to constantly fight to prove it is not worth my effort. We are all special, so none is special. The question is: who is willing to put in the effort? Which means the real question is: Why don't I put in maximum effort? Much more journey to come.

Day 296 - SHADOWGUNing my life away

Popular Android game - here

Ok, finally. Time to face this bullony. I am addicted to an addictive video game. I have wanted to write about it before but the thought of actually changing and letting this particular addiction go is rather frightening. Very similar to weed actually, so I know I can do it. I realize this is not just about the game. This is about who I am in relation to it. That is what needs to be examined and purified.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay responsibilities and hide that decision by immersing myself within this virtual world of killing virtual people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I am driven to play this game because of my ego desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize the feeling of winning before facing reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally moved by the excitement and opportunity of winning, as well as the frustration of losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed, frustrated and driven to win whenever I lose a battle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly immerse myself in a video game to not have to face/realize the importance of time and opportunity in the context of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point because of shame/humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't do it, because I don't want to give up something that feels so good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can still indulge responsibly by considering my responsibilities in the context of my day/week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with whatever means necessary as not to have to face myself in this moment here.
--
When and as I see myself entering a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I continue along this path, I have made a choice of self-deception and thus prioritized and justified self-dishonesty. I commit myself to identifying and investigating these moments of distracting myself to determine where my value system is not in alignment with what is BEST for me and all.

When and as I see myself emotionally invested in the outcome of a video game, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow. I commit myself to setting agreements with myself when I am participating in an indulgence so that I remain the authority of myself and not simply let my emotions determine the length of time that I indulge.

When and as I see myself possessed with an energy to win, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is who I am, and I commit myself to not suppressing who I am so that I may face myself in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself suppressing points because I am ashamed, I stop I breathe. I realize there are several dynamics at play here: I don't want people to see who I am ESPECIALLY if I fail in producing actual self-change. In a way this is a helpful reference point to keep me honest within my writing, but if I allow the fear to discourage me from walking the corrective actions, I go nowhere and potentially project blame. I commit myself to run at my problems, accentuate the shame, until even I cannot bear it, what ever it takes to realize that I am the creator and the created of who I think I am in the experience of myself.

When and as I see myself playing SHADOWGUN, I stop and take a self-honest breath. Is this really what I want to be doing? What is my justification? Valid? - meaning is this something that I have agreed with myself is okay to do? Will I not regret this? I realize that more often than not, I play video games to procrastinate responsibilities and in so doing, I compromise a lot of time to be doing things I would actually much rather be doing. I commit myself to walking through every delay design that I still subscribe to, so that I may stabilize within self-agreements and enjoy life to the fullest expression, and within this, assist and support others to also enjoy life to the fullest expression.


If you're new to this blog, and the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I congratulate you to making it to the bottom, for one :)  Secondly, check out the DIP Lite course and see if it's something that interests you. It's life changing stuff when you begin giving to yourself as you have wanted to receive all along. Enjoy.

Day 292 - Living Best For All

Continuing with the theme of these recent posts:
Day 288 - Best For All Support
Day 289 - Anxious to Change the World

There is this feeling that I identified today that has been looming. I've written a little about it and now I have reached enough understanding to express myself in words. It's a shameful realization, but that's great because the SF releases my once buried program that has had a detrimental effect in my interpersonal interactions.

Here's a direct transcription of what I've hand written earlier today:

My drive to share the Desteni Message is tainted. It is logically justified through "Best for All," and is not purely an expression of what is best for all.

What comes up?

• Shame 
• Failure
• Fake
• Success through persistence w/ SF 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure & a fake through my initial attempts to adapt/orient to the message of what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time within self-pity. 

-- expanding now --

I understand that I've been basically mad at myself for not applying/living the best for all principle. I've taken a long path of projecting this and then trying to get others to understand the merit here, before I personally embody and bring this principle to life within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a lack of understanding of what it is to live in alignment with what is best for all, and to within this establish myself within a superior teaching position based on knowledge and information of the principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I know what is best for all through a limited knowledge construct that I've established after a few years of reading. Silly.

I commit myself to being patient with myself in this journey to life in becoming a living expression of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself teaching or wanting to teach others about the best for all principle, I stop I breathe. I realize that my ego has gotten the best of me for most of my reactive life. I commit myself to continue educating myself on when and where I am living within the limitations of mind as reactions that serve my ego, until it is done.

Until it is done, I breathe, and I continue my self-investigation. This is my right to life. Through educating myself first, I commit myself to support others when and as I am able.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure in supporting others. I stop I breathe. I can really only speak to what I know as my personal experience. Live here, and all will be clear :)

The Equal Life Foundation support all in equality and oneness. It's a group worthy of your 'Like.'
First step's first. Educate oneself. Breath in: I commit myself to educate myself within every personally relevant pursuit in alignment of whats best for all.

Desteni Art

Day 289 - Anxious to Change the World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a positive affect on the world without first giving myself the time to learn and live the principle of what is best for all. I realize that I must first become effective and responsible within the world system. I commit myself to continual realization that I need to stand stable before I run to assist others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put others before myself, structurally in my mind, thus creating consequences of ineffective communication (i.e. hypocritical) AND promoting my own ego enslavement through a socially constructed (externalized) self-definition. I realize the tendency to help others without helping self first is essentially a desire to be validated and thus a design of ego fulfillment. I commit myself to recognizing when I am trying to make a point that I haven't yet walked myself in my own experience, stop, breathe, and self-realize along WITH my communication partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be up tight and anxious when I see how someone can benefit from the desteni tools, and then follow this emotion into a poorly construed attempt to teach another. I realize that I have been riding a feeling experience that I do not understand. I commit myself to stop and breathe whenever I see myself in this train of uncertain/ego motivation, even if it might look funny to change my starting point mid-interaction.

When and as I see myself desiring to move fast as a whole through the journey to process as a valid means of justifying the prioritization of my efforts to make others understand the desteni message, I stop I breathe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to undermine my own self-worth and responsibility to walk my own process first. I realize that my anxiousness is not nearly as effective as if I slowed down and really helped myself first. I commit myself to do that.

Day 288 - Best For All Support

Desteni Artists

Breaking down what is means to practically apply oneself in alignment with what's best for all.

What is Best For All?

This above link directs to the wiki page where a significant amount of perspective has been placed to clarify the mystery. Read on for my perspective on it.

--

There is a common excuse that one does not and/or can't know what is best for all. “How do you know what is best for all?!” they say. Within this question, it is implied that such a perspective is not practical or even possible. There isn't even a moment's consideration for what it would mean to take this stance. There is just a quick reaction to defend the principle of self-interest. What's not realized is that a 'best for all' interest is also in self's interest.

To Clarify: What's best for self, can also be best for all.

I'm sure you can imagine several instances where a self-interested inclination wasn't even good for self, let alone best for self. Common sense with self-interest will likely reveal whether or not there is best for all alignment. You can ask yourself: Is there a fear-based motive behind this interest? Will this interest serve what's in my best interest by expanding of my ability to ultimately support what's best for others? 

A key differentiating factor which is often unrealized is the preservation of fear. (I fear others will 'get the best of me' and so) I must do what is best for me (before I lose in relation to other self-interested people). This is justified because people really are like this. So, one might proceed to blame the world for having to protect their self-interest (in fear of others). The solution to this problem has never been for others to change before self changes.

It is critical to realize the power of leading by example. Try on the best for all perspective. Examine the fears that come up. Forgive the fears and create a common sense solution.

Ex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I do not become the best in spite of others that they will spite me and I will lose my worth/ability/standing in this world system. I realize that the only way the human race will stop racing to the top is through an accumulation of self-leaders acting within the principle of what's best for all. I commit myself to lead by example by first studying where and when I fall in my application of what's best for all, so I may walk the self-forgiveness process and clean up my relationship to fear and stabilize, here.

Thank you.

Day 285 - Responsibility to Myself as Existence as a Whole

To elaborate on yesterday's post: Day 284 - Party vs Blog I want to share my perspective on how being responsible for myself relates to taking responsibility for the entire world.

I was reading through one of the student newspapers here and came across an article about how our rotating, 20,000 student community is undergoing city changes. It lead me to think about how as a student, I hardly took any responsibility for any community structural planning. I justified it as something "left to the higher ups, the government. And besides I wasn't here long enough to care about our future.” Interesting when I compare this attitude to how I might see the purpose of my life in the context of this entire existence.

cc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am only responsible for my own experience within a complete disregard for all others, past, present, future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will only ever be able to be responsible for myself and maybe a family in the future, not seeing how this is a contradiction with my childhood dream to make it into the history books.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be famous by solving the problems in the world with a simple brilliant idea, not realizing the amount of work, through responsibility, that would I would require to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the true power of self is within becoming responsible for my life first and expanding that responsibility through a corporate climb. That's how this world is currently set up. I realize that I need to prove my work ethic within the world system to open doors of more responsibility.

Side thought: It's too bad that being responsible for others doesn't inherently require to act in the interest of what is BEST for all within that range of responsibility. On the flip side: Acting in the interest of what is best for all inherently requires self-realizing responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how my becoming responsible for the entity of myself is a fundamental prerequisite of becoming responsible for others, and within this to understand that by giving to myself the gift of self-trust & self-responsibility, I am preparing the way before me to be most effective and able to support the all life on earth.

When and as I see myself delaying or abdicating my responsibility to myself in a moment, I stop I breathe. I realize that by doing this, I am having a detrimental effect on not only my life, but all life as one and equal within the context of a best for all motivation. I commit myself to facilitate the necessary environmental  conditions for me to thrive and be able to become the best that I can be before I start to really expand my responsibility into my world around me.

When and as I see myself desiring to save the world, I stop I breathe. I realize that prematurely trying to assist and support the world before I have assisted and supported myself is an act of ego, and within this, I am avoiding responsibility to lead through example. I commit myself to move myself within a motivation that yields what is best for me AND ultimately everyone.

When and as I see myself believing that I can't take responsibility in this moment, I stop I breathe. I realize that through common sense I can see if I can, in fact, take on that piece of responsibility. I commit myself to asking myself why I resist taking responsibility for any particular subject, to through this, actually take responsibility for myself in relation to any particular point of responsibility.

That's power. Not letting myself get away with abdicating responsibility and not looking back. The NOW of consciousness can be a dangerous trap with the suppression mechanism our ego loves to utilize. I commit myself to taking as long as I need to see, realize and understand who I am in relation to a point of responsibility. In doing so, I am taking responsibility in a way that will allow me to accumulate self-trust and expand my responsibility as an equal and one participant, living and apply what is best for all.

Day 280 - Why I Write

Who am I within my writing? What is the reason? What is the experience of myself when I initiate my writing?

These are valuable questions I should ask myself before I begin a post. Why? By answering these questions, I am solidifying my intention and writing objective with affirming the purpose. This is important because if I am not writing for my own sake, I am wasting my time.

When I was writing papers in school, I didn't ask these questions, which was partially why I experiences so much resistance and procrastinated until it was imperceptive that I at least get something written down. I were to answer these questions then, the answer would most likely be "rushed" and "desperate." Since that's all I've really known to be within my writing, I have been struggling a bit in learning how to write for myself. When I am writing for me, I want to be confident that I am effectively achieving my best work, something that I wasn't very concerned about when my writing reason was to just get a passing grade.

To answer these questions now: I am writing here to best support myself in understanding who I've become for the purpose of taking responsibility for my life experience within and without. My experience of myself while I write should be focused and stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through my journey to life writing because I placed more value on needing to get one post a day finished, not realizing that by externalizing my writing reason, I have stolen my opportunity to most effectively support myself within a stable, focused starting point.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize how my starting point determines the direction and quality of my self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay writing in any moment by forgetting/suppressing my reasons for writing just long enough to initiate a distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with myself when I am writing, not realizing how the instability dilutes the quality of my writing support and unnecessarily increases the time it takes to finish.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inconsistent in my approach to writing, making it harder to realize why I write and thus make it a better point of self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse writing to achieve status as an external motivation, not realizing how I'm compromising myself by not writing for me alone.

When and as I see myself writing for an external point, such as time and/or the judgments of others, I stop I breathe. Really though. I breathe. I realize that the purpose of my writing is essential when considering how to best support myself through writing. I commit myself to be clear within myself as I continue writing on a single focus point.

When and as I see myself delaying my writing process while I've already begun, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have experienced some form of resistance within my writing that lead me astray. I commit myself to bring myself back to my writing within a clarified writing objective/reason.

I realize I am here writing for me. This is how I am effective in achieving my purpose of self-support through writing. Dilution of why I write must be promptly investigated. Here, I walk this writing process to ultimately realize myself as life, one and equal within this entire physical existence, and take responsibility for what I have become and direct myself in alignment of what is best for all.

Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1

Yesterday I forgave myself for living within a projected dream reality of myself as successful. I had realized that I've been holding myself back from achieving success in the real, physical reality by existing in the glorious realm of ego and imagination. Furthermore, I'm now realizing how desire is a barrier to success. How? Why?

When I self-honestly take a look at what's behind the desire, I'm suppressing facing myself in reality. The uncomfortable nature of resisting facing reality becomes enough to cave and cascade into desirable distractions such as chowing down on some delicious candy pieces, grooving to music videos on youtube or playing cheap video games that call for my attention pretending to be something that matters. These two points could warrant their own blog posts, but what matters, what really counts here, is doing what it takes to change my behavior.

Being thorough with exploring my motivations really helps in the writing process. It opens up my ability to understand myself and really, I mean really, self-intimately, forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as such a program. At that point of release, I open a door for myself to change my behavior which is the whole point of process. The commitment statements are the forging of the new program that I am creating for myself, except this time, I'm not doing it as an automated reaction. This time, I am the directive principle creating myself in alignment with what is best for myself and all others, equal and one.

Today, I commit myself to ending the abuse of my time. I realize that I can take breaks and enjoy life, but to be irresponsible and suppress reality with abusive consumption is no longer accepted or allowed. This is my life and despite the resistance I experience toward doing hard work, I commit myself to drive myself through it all and live here, in the moment to moment awareness of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize or understand the self-compromise and imminent consequence that accumulate through abdicating my responsibility to direct myself within the common sense of each moment in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who I am in relation to how I am spending my time through moving into distractions that are of fleeting enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate who I am within one breath, what I can accomplish within one breath, how I can change within one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility of self-direction and give into the persuasive forces of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the feeling of resistance through allowing it to expand and develop while I participate in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am the creator of the resistance energy, and that if I allow it to direct me it, I've given myself to the resistance program. The program of resistance being a feeling of discomfort when facing certain moments of reality that I have told myself I don't like doing (i.e. working hard), followed by alleviating that discomfort through suppression/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'hard work' within the parameters of the resistance program, when the reality is that I rather quite enjoy myself while working hard to achieve success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through the design of resistance -> desirable distraction -> compounding consequence.

When and as I see myself moving into a time sink (distraction) with little to no consideration of time management, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am habitually allowing myself to suppress resistance to maintain a positive experience of self without investigating why I feel resistance in the first place. I commit myself to breathe through resistance, and to continually do this until this becomes the new habit.

...letting that one sink in...overnight

Picture credit

Day 254 - So, what can I actually commit to? Part 1

The idea of only being able to commit to certain things, kind of blows my mind. It's like I am leaving room for excuses to not become committed. For example, women. I've never wanted to commit to one woman before/yet because of all the reasons I can come up with related to loss of freedom. Oh dear, what have I opened up?

Loss of freedom will be a point I'll have to walk later because it's still heavily set and I don't feel confident in taking this on yet. The point I'm trying to illustrate is how I can still have excuses and justifications that are valid according to my per existing perspective. Hence, there is a journey to be walked here.

I have committed myself to walking this process of realigning my interests to serve what is best for everyone instead of only just me. That wasn't too difficult of a commitment, and yet so many challenges lie within. I definitely did want to hold onto my specialness or the idea of how great I am. I didn't realize that as a limitation in the beginning. And it seems that I'm considerably challenged everyday as I move and see who I am or have been. There's a lot that is not in alignment with best for all, and the secret here is simply to give oneself patience. I am responsible for my flaws, and I give myself the time to properly address them. Sometimes I suppress them. Like with women and my desire for lots a sex, I suppressed that because there's  like this huge, momentous energy of self-definition that I fear losing. Again, patience within process, else I'dd not be able to stay focused and walk anything through effectively. Right now, I'm discovering where I can practically commit to change, and where I am telling myself that I can't so I may further investigate.

I have committed myself to stop using porn. Not sure exactly when, but it was a while ago. I fell 5 times before I stood stable within that decision. This was certainly a struggle point, and I bet there are several men who straight up think I'm lying. But it is true. I got to the point of realizing the cycle of desire and then unsatisfied. I was becoming aware of how my real world relationships are effected through judgments of beauty conditioned by the porn industry. Now that's some shit. People are getting paid the big bucks to subconsciously tell me who to date and find attractive. It's like no one really knows what's happening, and worse, no one wants to know. If you're at all curious about your relationship to masturbation, I encourage a listen to these FREE interviews from EQAFE. They are only recently being released for free to support the people that are wasting their lives with an addictive relationship to a fantasy world. Without porn, self-intimacy can emerge, producing infinitely less guilt/regret, and a much more stable relationship with oneself.

I have committed to eating no more donuts. Kind of a random one, but one day I just had enough and told myself that I was eating my last donut. The basis was sugar plus simple carbs that quickly break down into sugar = SUGAR BOMB. And eventually, I'd like to stop my sugar consumption. It's often a reckless pursuit of a desired experience of pleasurable taste stimulation. I don't care, nor am I aware of the affect within my body. I know that diabetes comes from abusing our insulin response mechanisms. And I know people can live without sugar. So with limiting this commitment to just donuts, I was able to test my ability to stick to a commitment. And I have.

Final big point of commitment that I've already begun living: no more weed! This one deserves a post all on its own, so I won't go into it too much here. Basically, I decided vaguely that my stop date would be December 21st, 2012 so that "when the world ended, I could start the new world sober." (oh yeah and I quit alcohol sometime in Fall 2011; more on that in another post as well). I do miss smoking at times, but more so the positive memories of social bonding and that whole irresponsible lifestyle that I was leading...which makes my wonder why I really miss it...I don't. It's just as silly attachment to the past, like being a child and not having a care in the world. I've grown up. I'm learning what it is to really become a responsible citizen of this earth.
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I've been itching to get out what my prior commitments are. Not sure if I'm really benefiting from this post by simply reporting my past commitments, and perhaps my primary aim was at the readers who struggle with some of these relationships. As I go deeper into what's at play in each of these relationships, I'll link to the future before. I suppose I have benefited by laying the framework of my past decisions so that I can see and reference who I am. I think another reason I was timid to bring up my commitments was a subtle underlying doubt that I've actually committed. After all I wouldn't want my readers losing faith in me, haha, another fear of loss that acts to hold me down.

I'll continue tomorrow by expanding on some of the areas where I still struggle living commitments to. Thanks for reading, reader.