I've been messing up. I've been not just deceiving myself, but I've also been creating all the specific consequences that I am facing. They are like secondary add-on points that I have not been realizing. Let me lay it down for you straight and simple. I thought I could change by writing alone. I haven't understood how to utilize self-forgiveness in a way that practically brings about change BECAUSE I placed the change-responsibility onto the self-forgiveness instead of myself. "Oooh, ahh, I've got the magic key, and it is self-forgiveness. Watch me be self-honest and change while using this great and powerful tool that is awesome and powerful."
Who an I within self-forgiveness? Where am I within it, structurally speaking? I emphasized how I think about self-forgiveness as being "powerful" because I see this is the problem. I am not powerful, but the self-forgiveness is..? This is misuse. Misusing the tool.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within speaking self forgiveness by placing myself as inferior to the self-forgiveness, and so placing the change-responsibility on to the self-forgiveness writing.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the critical importance of taking the next step, to move and push myself to change within the context of the realization. In this, I realize that when there is resistance to change, as there damn near almost always is, I must stop the reaction. This internal reaction to change-resistance is not helping me to change. I commit myself to stopping the reaction/judgment of resistance. I commit myself to realizing the importance of self-movement in each and every breath.
Okay, so here's the point coming up now. I can see the point clearly, and I want to believe that by writing my insight, I am a changed man. This point especially comes up when I take on a point that is too general or too large, wherein I overlook the smaller building blocks of a particular system consequence (i.e. nail biting). By taking on the large points, I am working in a realm of idealism (Idea-Prison), imprisoning myself within a system through a perspective-relationship of who I am as less than or as a victim to this larger system. There is an expression, "the devil (de-veil, de-evil) is in the details." It's only in the finer details of a point that I can stand as a point of one and equal responsibility. And so I am empowered to change the point, one specific detail at a time.
Which brings me to my next point: what if I do not know the details? Nearly every time I'm within a reaction, I do not fully comprehend all the bits and pieces and components of the energetic reaction.
Solution: Write and define.
Example: I am mad at Bernard for dying. This experience has elusive details, as most energy-based perspectives do. The tendency is to be within it, not to understand the totality of it. Breathe, slow down. I am mad because he stood his point so effectively that he died doing what was best for all. Am I jealous? No. It's more of a comparison point. I am mad at myself, and projecting it toward him because he is showing me how I am not standing. Now I have to face myself, and that's going to require giving up a lot of energetic self-definitions that I've already accepted as myself, and this process of letting go is quite uncomfortable from within the energy perspective comprised of that which I must let go of. Fascinating.
When and as I see myself writing within a perceptual context that is not applicable, livable, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process is a slow but sure process. I commit myself to utilizing self-forgiveness and breathing as practical tools to be applied specifically in transcending all the relevant 'baby' points within the bigger, more general points of self-change.
When and as I see that I have been relying on self-forgiveness to change me, I stop I breathe. I realize that self-forgiveness is just a tool to assist me with SELF-change. I commit myself to structurally placing the responsibility to change back onto myself. A hammer doesn't hammer the nail without my input, common sense
I realize that I am doing this, and that it's now time to chip a way my systematized self and get really intimate with who I am, so that I may direct how I express myself in this world.