Day 344 - Actual Living, Walking, Breathing

I had small chat with my DIP buddy today, and there was one main point that stands out for me here: It's this notion that I must 'walk the point' sometimes even before I write a blog post. To 'walk the point' first, means to move through writing and into physically lived application of the correction. I've been doing a lot of self-deception by writing the realizations without living them. It's like an energetic outlet, a quick fix, diffusing of the pent up friction I am creating by not actually living the corrections within what I am realizing about myself.

I've been messing up. I've been not just deceiving myself, but I've also been creating all the specific consequences that I am facing. They are like secondary add-on points that I have not been realizing. Let me lay it down for you straight and simple. I thought I could change by writing alone. I haven't understood how to utilize self-forgiveness in a way that practically brings about change BECAUSE I placed the change-responsibility onto the self-forgiveness instead of myself. "Oooh, ahh, I've got the magic key, and it is self-forgiveness. Watch me be self-honest and change while using this great and powerful tool that is awesome and powerful."

Separation.

Who an I within self-forgiveness? Where am I within it, structurally speaking? I emphasized how I think about self-forgiveness as being "powerful" because I see this is the problem. I am not powerful, but the self-forgiveness is..? This is misuse. Misusing the tool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within speaking self forgiveness by placing myself as inferior to the self-forgiveness, and so placing the change-responsibility on to the self-forgiveness writing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the critical importance of taking the next step, to move and push myself to change within the context of the realization. In this, I realize that when there is resistance to change, as there damn near almost always is, I must stop the reaction. This internal reaction to change-resistance is not helping me to change. I commit myself to stopping the reaction/judgment of resistance.  I commit myself to realizing the importance of self-movement in each and every breath.

Okay, so here's the point coming up now. I can see the point clearly, and I want to believe that by writing my insight, I am a changed man. This point especially comes up when I take on a point that is too general or too large, wherein I overlook the smaller building blocks of a particular system consequence (i.e. nail biting). By taking on the large points, I am working in a realm of idealism (Idea-Prison), imprisoning myself within a system through a perspective-relationship of who I am as less than or as a victim to this larger system. There is an expression, "the devil (de-veil, de-evil)  is in the details." It's only in the finer details of a point that I can stand as a point of one and equal responsibility. And so I am empowered to change the point, one specific detail at a time.

Which brings me to my next point: what if I do not know the details? Nearly every time I'm within a reaction, I do not fully comprehend all the bits and pieces and components of the energetic reaction.

Solution: Write and define.

Example: I am mad at Bernard for dying. This experience has elusive details, as most energy-based perspectives do. The tendency is to be within it, not to understand the totality of it. Breathe, slow down. I am mad because he stood his point so effectively that he died doing what was best for all. Am I jealous? No. It's more of a comparison point. I am mad at myself, and projecting it toward him because he is showing me how I am not standing. Now I have to face myself, and that's going to require giving up a lot of energetic self-definitions that I've already accepted as myself, and this process of letting go is quite uncomfortable from within the energy perspective comprised of that which I must let go of. Fascinating.

So,

I forgive myself that I have also accepted and allowed my self to magicalize breathing, instead of seeing how the breath can be practically used as a tool to slow myself down and bring forth the underlying dynamics of an energy reaction.

When and as I see myself writing within a perceptual context that is not applicable, livable, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process is a slow but sure process. I commit myself to utilizing self-forgiveness and breathing as practical tools to be applied specifically in transcending all the relevant 'baby' points within the bigger, more general points of self-change.

When and as I see that I have been relying on self-forgiveness to change me, I stop I breathe. I realize that self-forgiveness is just a tool to assist me with SELF-change. I commit myself to structurally placing the responsibility to change back onto myself. A hammer doesn't hammer the nail without my input, common sense

I realize that I am doing this, and that it's now time to chip a way my systematized self and get really intimate with who I am, so that I may direct how I express myself in this world.

photo credit

Day 293 - Externally Induced Distractions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my inner drive to be productive.

cc flickr

Through back to back distractions, I have robbed myself of this whole day. At times, I would blame others when they wanted to share time watching a movie or a television show, but interestingly, as soon as I had my full volitional control back, I would continue to participate in distractions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate as is, in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of externally induced distractions to project blame and hide my self-responsibility to come to a living agreement within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk my day unplanned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the moments of choice when I turn away from my work and responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame.

See, the point of all this forgiveness is to really just say sorry to myself, acknowledge what I've been accepting and allowing, take responsibility to change that relationship/point within my beingness, and live self-direction, live self-will, live my intention to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of self-responsibility for myself in EVERY moment, where even when I decide to take the less responsible way, TO NOT HIDE IT from myself or PRETEND that it's nothing, or that it's "OKAY" to just stay focused on the distraction.

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When and as I see myself distracting myself from being self-honest while participating in a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that this breath is a new moment where I face myself and choose how and what I accept and allow. I commit myself to realizing the power of breath as a moment of choice between self-honesty and self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to investigating my attachments to whatever consistently yields a choice-relationship of compromising my self-honesty.

When and as I see myself projecting blame within frustration, I stop I breathe. I realize I am within an ego design of abdicating my responsibility to myself. I commit myself to realizing that I am actually frustrated with myself and within this realization, move myself into acting responsibility for myself in the current situation.

I commit myself to bringing blame back to self and living self-honesty as best I can, progressively.

I commit myself to realizing my responsibility to my self and all in creating a world that is best for all.

Shout out for ELF!!
Contributing to the solution is to become the living solution.

Day 257 - Character Shifting vs. Living Commitment (Part 4)

Continuing with my mini-series on Commitment:

• Day 254 - So, what can I actually commit to? Part 1
• Day 255 - Who am I within Commitment? Part 2
• Day 256 - What does Commitment mean to Me? Part 3

This post is going to add perspective on how I am going to achieve lasting self-change. First point that came up: achievement. This word set off a flag for me. In the context of a living commitment, it's not something to be achieved. There is not an 'end,' per say, where I will not have to try to keep my commitment anymore. No. Very similar to how people in AA are forever a recovering alcoholic, a self-commitment that is lived, is alive and here in each moment that's applicable.

The Character Shifting dynamic of changing self is an interesting point in contrast. For example: I accumulate a frustration with my nail biting habit. This frustration is builds and I base my change in relation to this reaction. This is not real change as a living self-commitment because I am operating within the same mental construct. The basis of my self-change is a reaction to point that wasn't real to begin with. The more one studies how the mind operates in polarity, the more it makes sense how feeding the positive is the same as feeding the negative. Another example: If I'm inclined to maintain happiness, I can ask myself why am I sad. I must fear being sad or lack happiness in order to desire to be happy. One system, two poles.

The point of this illustration is to help me have the context when the moment arises, so that I do not charge a system of illusionary change, rather create a living statement of self-direction. It's not so black and white though because I am the MIND as I walk this process into the physical. I must give myself the breathing space to practice the application of my commitments. When I reach the point where I feel comfortable/confident that my commitment will stand, I will move forward with the next point. BUT, I am not done living my commitment. The mind will throw a situation at me to test me. I can't tell you how many donuts have grimaced at me (context: Day 254). The question is, will I stand?

There are still desires, movements, and triggers that activate in relation to the commitments I have upheld, and I will eventually release those as well. The key is am I able to remain in directive control of me, or will I allow resistance/desire/energy to move me? The more I build perspective on how I as the MIND operate, the more equipped I will be to thoroughly forgive the charged point and establish a living commitment. Without a comprehensive perspective, I am prone to reacting within one system and fueling a a change that will not last. The polarity cycle operates like an infinity symbol.

Tomorrow, I will continue with another dimension of living commitments and begin self-forgiveness.

A special thanks to Heaven's post I AM the Mind: DAY 330 for my writing launch pad today:

"So, many people may argue that – shifting from one Character/Personality to another within Energy/Energy-Reactions, such as from the Lazy/Failure Character (Negative) to the Discipline/Success Character (Positive) means ‘Change’, because there is Change evident within Physical Reality. In the sense that, one do in fact become more disciplined and slowly but surely assimilate into and as the Process of becoming Successful. However, what we’re going to show here is that: SELF has not changed WITHIN self, but what has shifted and adapted through REACTIONS: is one’s Mind and one’s experience within the Mind and so also the content/nature of what one participate within, in the Mind."

Day 254 - So, what can I actually commit to? Part 1

The idea of only being able to commit to certain things, kind of blows my mind. It's like I am leaving room for excuses to not become committed. For example, women. I've never wanted to commit to one woman before/yet because of all the reasons I can come up with related to loss of freedom. Oh dear, what have I opened up?

Loss of freedom will be a point I'll have to walk later because it's still heavily set and I don't feel confident in taking this on yet. The point I'm trying to illustrate is how I can still have excuses and justifications that are valid according to my per existing perspective. Hence, there is a journey to be walked here.

I have committed myself to walking this process of realigning my interests to serve what is best for everyone instead of only just me. That wasn't too difficult of a commitment, and yet so many challenges lie within. I definitely did want to hold onto my specialness or the idea of how great I am. I didn't realize that as a limitation in the beginning. And it seems that I'm considerably challenged everyday as I move and see who I am or have been. There's a lot that is not in alignment with best for all, and the secret here is simply to give oneself patience. I am responsible for my flaws, and I give myself the time to properly address them. Sometimes I suppress them. Like with women and my desire for lots a sex, I suppressed that because there's  like this huge, momentous energy of self-definition that I fear losing. Again, patience within process, else I'dd not be able to stay focused and walk anything through effectively. Right now, I'm discovering where I can practically commit to change, and where I am telling myself that I can't so I may further investigate.

I have committed myself to stop using porn. Not sure exactly when, but it was a while ago. I fell 5 times before I stood stable within that decision. This was certainly a struggle point, and I bet there are several men who straight up think I'm lying. But it is true. I got to the point of realizing the cycle of desire and then unsatisfied. I was becoming aware of how my real world relationships are effected through judgments of beauty conditioned by the porn industry. Now that's some shit. People are getting paid the big bucks to subconsciously tell me who to date and find attractive. It's like no one really knows what's happening, and worse, no one wants to know. If you're at all curious about your relationship to masturbation, I encourage a listen to these FREE interviews from EQAFE. They are only recently being released for free to support the people that are wasting their lives with an addictive relationship to a fantasy world. Without porn, self-intimacy can emerge, producing infinitely less guilt/regret, and a much more stable relationship with oneself.

I have committed to eating no more donuts. Kind of a random one, but one day I just had enough and told myself that I was eating my last donut. The basis was sugar plus simple carbs that quickly break down into sugar = SUGAR BOMB. And eventually, I'd like to stop my sugar consumption. It's often a reckless pursuit of a desired experience of pleasurable taste stimulation. I don't care, nor am I aware of the affect within my body. I know that diabetes comes from abusing our insulin response mechanisms. And I know people can live without sugar. So with limiting this commitment to just donuts, I was able to test my ability to stick to a commitment. And I have.

Final big point of commitment that I've already begun living: no more weed! This one deserves a post all on its own, so I won't go into it too much here. Basically, I decided vaguely that my stop date would be December 21st, 2012 so that "when the world ended, I could start the new world sober." (oh yeah and I quit alcohol sometime in Fall 2011; more on that in another post as well). I do miss smoking at times, but more so the positive memories of social bonding and that whole irresponsible lifestyle that I was leading...which makes my wonder why I really miss it...I don't. It's just as silly attachment to the past, like being a child and not having a care in the world. I've grown up. I'm learning what it is to really become a responsible citizen of this earth.
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I've been itching to get out what my prior commitments are. Not sure if I'm really benefiting from this post by simply reporting my past commitments, and perhaps my primary aim was at the readers who struggle with some of these relationships. As I go deeper into what's at play in each of these relationships, I'll link to the future before. I suppose I have benefited by laying the framework of my past decisions so that I can see and reference who I am. I think another reason I was timid to bring up my commitments was a subtle underlying doubt that I've actually committed. After all I wouldn't want my readers losing faith in me, haha, another fear of loss that acts to hold me down.

I'll continue tomorrow by expanding on some of the areas where I still struggle living commitments to. Thanks for reading, reader.

Day 247 - Simple Breathing & Living Application

There is this perspective that if you are aware of your breath...go ahead try it right now...really...stop reading and take a solid breath. STOP HERE, and breathe.

Now, how fast did you begin reading this next paragraph. Did you not want to participate? Were you aware of that moment from the breath perspective that everything stood still, in motion. It's not like we can't function when we are aware of our breathing. On the contrary, I have a more stable sense of direction when I take a breath and move from there.

Here is a fellow JTLer that posted this great point of support just before I started my JTL:
4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

It's a very well written example of how to slow down and see who self is in a moment. What I've noticed in the past few minutes of bringing myself back to my breath is that there are many thoughts racing through my head at pretty much any given moment. The thoughts move me and yet, I do not consider where they come from. Automated thinking patterns from an unknown origin. The cool part is that I can figure it out.

Imagine calling out a friend. How easy is it to see their flaw or their biased starting point? Now, imagine becoming self-accountable for each of self's thoughts. Where they come from? To source every reaction, every mind initiated starting point, being brutally honest with self in every moment of awareness..

Seems impossible. Or rather perhaps the most challenging challenge of life. Whatever. I'm doing it. I'm excited to see what 7 years of self-honest self-investigation reveals about who I am. And I'm stoked for the mindful reader as well. This blog is already becoming a solid document of self-change...oo, and interesting point to consider:  Where it is not, is to be reevaluated. Why have I not yet produced change in self (i.e. nail biting habit)? Where can I dig deeper? How can I understand the processes behind my predictive programming? Yes, the tools and prep work that is this writing.

So my blog stands for self-investigation for all to see as well as a document of self change. I've been too focuses on the former, and my self-change has been something I've been waiting for to happen, not realizing that I actually have to do the leg work and make it happen, as I opened up yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within and as every breath from the self that is here writing. There is a disconnect between the realizations and living the correction. This point must be investigated until I am effective in this regard to stop wasting time from an energy loaded, perspective spewing writing that results in no self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my daily living with out the simple awareness of my physical breathing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to slow down within the awareness of my breath to give myself the chance to really see who I am in that moment, how I am reacting to what, why. I realize that I can't hide the truth of self's existence within the brutal self-honesty that is here with every breath.

I commit myself to stop writing because I have to, and start writing to support and facilitate self-change through self-realization.

When and as I see myself within a strong emotion or thought chain, I stop I breathe. I realize my breath. I commit myself to breathing until I make a stable movement, practicing the living of what is best for me and all in that moment.

Day 246 - Self-Awareness: Gift of Life

"And the most important point within this process is our awareness." - Sunette

The above quote is from a recent HJTL post Self Change through Self Movement: DAY 332, and it was a really cool point of support for the moments when the "I am useless" thought comes up. I encourage the curious to check this one out.

My actual living process has been... under-realized, in a way that I have a more clear sense of direction while I am writing, but when I get back to "normal life/living" the old habits and patterns start to emerge. And in this I realize that the writing process can only take me so far. The self-discovery tool of writing with that intent, is an outstanding method of self support. I gain clarity whenever I write in this proactively self reflective way.

Artwork by Carrie Tooley

What I think I have been missing is the part where the real work comes in. Because I can flow within writing. Sometimes more easily than others, but moving my realizations into practical living application...it's a whole different dimension of process. It takes an acute and persistent effort to change self.

And as I've walked through some various layers of resistance to this self-uncovering process, I haven't yet walked through much of the resistance that comes up in moment of actually living the moment of self-change. I have less experience in that regard. My whole life has been more go with the flow and maximize personal benefit from what I already have. Hard work is unfamiliar because I've not had to work hard to get by within my pre-existing flow of life circumstance. Now that I find myself over 245 days into a 7 year Journey to Life, I am facing every obstacle that I have ever suppressed.

What is now coming up is fear, inadequacy and various forms of holding myself back from acting to give myself Life. "I can't do it" is like a nagging backchat that is just there even if I don't want to believe it, so I fight it. "Oh yes I Can!" and sometime this works and sometimes the inferiority complex wins the internal battle. This is not stability. This is not an expression of who I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget who I am within a moment of breath as the awareness of self, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go off into my mind with a false sense of confidence that I know whatssup because I am writing daily about how I see myself within mental patterns, and not yet realizing what it takes to bring written realization through into physical living. It takes commitment.

Real living commitments. A living agreement with self.

I commit myself to living self-change.

When and as I see my self-defeatist characters come up, I stop I breathe. Realizing that I have entered a mental space in separation of myself as life, here with my breath, I commit myself to bringing myself back to the moment of my in-breath, check how I am living, breathe out, and live in alignment with the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop wavering in and out of desire and fear, creating a tornado of uncertainty experience that fuels my inferiority, ineptness. Here, I commit myself to stop the accumulation this internal experience before it gets to the point that I am living that out, instead of the self-awareness that is here in every breath.

To not get overwhelmed. To not unwind into uselessness and delay. I stand.

I commit to stand. I commit myself to not beat myself up with a spiraling, self-inept belief. I commit myself to getting up and remaining steady within my self-investigation AND living self-correction.

Yea!