Day 246 - Self-Awareness: Gift of Life

"And the most important point within this process is our awareness." - Sunette
The above quote is from a recent HJTL post Self Change through Self Movement: DAY 332, and it was a really cool point of support for the moments when the "I am useless" thought comes up. I encourage the curious to check this one out.

My actual living process has been... under-realized, in a way that I have a more clear sense of direction while I am writing, but when I get back to "normal life/living" the old habits and patterns start to emerge. And in this I realize that the writing process can only take me so far. The self-discovery tool of writing with that intent, is an outstanding method of self support. I gain clarity whenever I write in this proactively self reflective way.

Artwork by Carrie Tooley
What I think I have been missing is the part where the real work comes in. Because I can flow within writing. Sometimes more easily than others, but moving my realizations into practical living's a whole different dimension of process. It takes an acute and persistent effort to change self.

And as I've walked through some various layers of resistance to this self-uncovering process, I haven't yet walked through much of the resistance that comes up in moment of actually living the moment of self-change. I have less experience in that regard. My whole life has been more go with the flow and maximize personal benefit from what I already have. Hard work is unfamiliar because I've not had to work hard to get by within my pre-existing flow of life circumstance. Now that I find myself over 245 days into a 7 year Journey to Life, I am facing every obstacle that I have ever suppressed.

What is now coming up is fear, inadequacy and various forms of holding myself back from acting to give myself Life. "I can't do it" is like a nagging backchat that is just there even if I don't want to believe it, so I fight it. "Oh yes I Can!" and sometime this works and sometimes the inferiority complex wins the internal battle. This is not stability. This is not an expression of who I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget who I am within a moment of breath as the awareness of self, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go off into my mind with a false sense of confidence that I know whatssup because I am writing daily about how I see myself within mental patterns, and not yet realizing what it takes to bring written realization through into physical living. It takes commitment.

Real living commitments. A living agreement with self.

I commit myself to living self-change.

When and as I see my self-defeatist characters come up, I stop I breathe. Realizing that I have entered a mental space in separation of myself as life, here with my breath, I commit myself to bringing myself back to the moment of my in-breath, check how I am living, breathe out, and live in alignment with the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop wavering in and out of desire and fear, creating a tornado of uncertainty experience that fuels my inferiority, ineptness. Here, I commit myself to stop the accumulation this internal experience before it gets to the point that I am living that out, instead of the self-awareness that is here in every breath.

To not get overwhelmed. To not unwind into uselessness and delay. I stand.

I commit to stand. I commit myself to not beat myself up with a spiraling, self-inept belief. I commit myself to getting up and remaining steady within my self-investigation AND living self-correction.