Yesterday, I uncovered quite a serious point of externalizing my trust, where my internal sense of trust in and of myself has long been missing. To expand on this point within the dimension of practically establishing self-trust, I am further grasping the importance of self-movement.
Just moments ago, I listened to this interview with Enlil, and he reiterated a familiar notion throughout the Desteni material: Self-movement or practical corrective application. I suppose it one of those concepts that takes hearing it many times for it to click. Well, I've been kind of wavering between walking this process for externally justified reasons and for self, and more so recently, I'm getting a feel for that starting point. The past week I've been much more on top of the ball in terms of starting my blog earlier in the day, with the self-honest starting point of investigating myself for myself (and sharing it). Today, time steps in and tells me, "write! Or who the hell are you?"
I've already written about how time is an external point of motivation, but obviously that is not the whole picture as to why I procrastinate. Elaboration is required for the sake of building perspective and, hey, that self-trust! But the point I am working with today is specifically the second component.
1) Elaborate, build perspective and increase awareness through writing and self-forgiveness.
2) Move this into a practically applied correction.
The support found through Desteni really emphasizes Self-Forgiveness, and that is often a necessary first step to self change, but what I am finding, is that SF will not take me all the way through to self-change. I have underestimated the second point of corrective application. In the midst of becoming accustomed to the writing of self-forgiveness, I had experienced quite a fair amount of resistance to "corrective application." So much so, that I even hid from myself that I was just writing it because it was expected of me.
So, how do I move me into practically correcting my relationship to corrective application? First with self-forgiveness to bring in awareness (although I already feel I have a good amount of awareness here, I usually find more when digging with SF). Then, I will place into writing commitment statements that are able to be practically lived. No more half-hearted commitments to self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the importance of self-corrective application statements.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write my commitments because of an external motivation of expectation from others, instead of allowing myself to write commitments solely for the purpose of directing self-change effectively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that "corrective application" is a process onto itself, where I am writing real, practical self-direction statements that serve no purpose if I do not practically live them out in the physical. I actually have to move me physically if I want to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will change automatically so long as I commit to writing self-forgiveness. Yup, this is the point I was reaching toward.
When and as I see myself writing these self-commitment statements from the starting point of energy, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have often breezed through this section because of time pressure, not really considering my commitments practically, and thus effectively wasting my time. I commit myself to take a breath before every commitment statement, if only to see for myself who I am in that moment. For instance, just now I resisted right after typing "I commit myself," and as I took that breath, I saw my resistance was doubt. Self-doubt. Opposite of self-trust.
It is this singular point of self-distrust that is making commitments so difficult, to the point that, in self-honesty, I am not taking the commitments seriously. Just waiting for the day that they become more effective automatically. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my commitment statements will become more effective without actually having to move myself with effort to live them out in the physical. I commit myself to taking my commitment statements seriously. In that, no longer accept or allow myself to just simply write them for show.
When and as I see myself resisting commitment statements because I do not trust myself to practically live and apply them, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my opportunity to change myself. I commit myself to seizing this self-gifted opportunity to change myself by practically living my new, written laws of self.