Day 220 - Decoding Ego-Battle Tendency

Continuing from yesterday, I posted a once private entry from my first process journal. To sum it up: I have been belittling my brother and then everyone around me to varying degrees so that I could build up my own sense of worth/value. It's an ego thing, and regardless of trying to justifying it as "okay because nearly everyone does it," I am choosing to stand up and take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. Putting others down so I can feel up is not responsible living. Peace out ego of mine!

Layout (written in side journal):

• Desire to be better/more/superior
• Fear of being out of control
• Fear of inferior state being called out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be superior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I desire to be better/more than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have control over my external world and interactions whenever possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being out of control in this context of being able to manage social outcomes.
In this, realizing that I have not ever been in control of myself...ahh, which makes sense that by attempting to assert control, the physical play out of that attempt was my focal point of establishing control within my world and reality. Nice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been heavily placing my self-definition in the hands of the external.
This is all I've ever known. I have never trusted myself within myself. Always looking to others/external to find who I am. How did that start? Distrust of self...next blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine who I am from only the context of my external relationships. Who I am is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize who I am is here within every breath, not needing validation or definition from any externalized, reflected source.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my reaction to other's reactions of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape/mold myself to manipulate my self-image in an attempt to invoke positive feedback from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge up my positive self-concept through a comparison construct, where I have purposely berated others into the lesser position to confirm/validate my higher authority.
Why did I do this? Inferiority complex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others exposing my inner monologue of self-worthlessness.
Interesting how the fear and self-doubt is primary...then, naturally, I try to assert the opposite to override the internal fear. This self-interested program has no care for how others feel about themselves. 'Best for all' was no where to be contemplated. Thanks for the assistance Desteni group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or care how I affect others and their relationship to themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in control of my world.
This is the crux.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be out of control within myself.
Process begins.
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When and as I see myself out of control within myself, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that by allowing this inner state of confusion to continue, I seek a solution outside of myself. I commit myself to empowering myself to change myself by taking responsibility of my inner experience and guiding myself through the process of writing, slowing down, stopping, and correcting self.

When and as I see myself desiring my external to act/be a certain, particular way, I stop I breathe. I realize that the desire to be in control indicates a past allowance point where I have felt out of control and attempted to regain control through my external. I commit myself to investigating why I wanted someone or something to act under my will.

..Just investigated a little. Power design. Desire for power, indicates a self-perception of powerlessness. Power is for control. Without control = potential failure & potential loss. Therefore, desire for power = fear of failure / loss. So, I commit myself to asking myself in moments of wanting control/power, "What do I fear?" I commit myself to following through with writing out my experience and realizations into self.

Bite by bite, layer by layer. I reveal myself  to myself in the physical, and through seeing who I have become, I make the choice to stop and correct myself. Patience in necessary. I've built one heck of a piece of work as the multidimensional personality constructs that predictably react to my environment. Fear is here, and until it is clear, I got work to do.

Thanks. I'll continue soon with an investigation of my inferiority complex and diminished self-trust.

If your curious about what Desteni is, I highly recommend this vehicle for self-realization.

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