Day 229 - Self-initiated post about Nail Biting

In my past blog posts about nail biting, I was reacting to my nail biting. It was kinda of a self-anger that pushed me to write so that I could stop. The curious thing here is that I have always cycled between desire to pull away a thread of nail with my teeth (I know, weird), and the frustration of pain when I've take too much. From the physical pain or the pity pain from looking at my unattractive nails, I move into self-anger, and a desire to change / a frustration that I haven't or won't or can't.

So, with this post I am writing about nails on my own will. I realize that there are a ton of points within nail biting that contribute to this addiction, so I must disentangle the net gradually. But if I don't write, I won't build the foundation that I need to stop this cycle between enjoyment/desire of biting vs. anger/pain of biting too much.

Haha, as if! - flickr cred

And begin:

I realize that there are layers to nail biting and that this habit is much more than just nail biting. Sometimes it's merely an outlet for anxiety, and what triggers that anxiety require their own, yet integrated, investigation. Sometimes I commence a chewing motion because I feel roughness or even just feeling the length of my nails causes a reaction within me. It's interesting how strong this reaction is, that even when I am conscious, I will still consciously move my hand to my mouth to "fix" the problem.

That last sentence brings up two points: 1) I often begin biting my nails within a reaction that seems to skip my conscious awareness. 2) I believe that I can fix my nail roughness/impurity, by biting. When in reality, it is the biting that causes the roughness/impurity.

Both very interesting dynamics. They're like riddles that I comprehend, but haven't yet solved. It really does often seem like I just suddenly become aware that I am biting my nails after 5-40 seconds of doing so, but common sense tells me that I am my body and I am aware of me. So in order to not consciously aware of the nail biting movement, I must be suppressing a subtle moment of decision. And this moment has become subtle through my repetitive participation. It's very much like I have encoded myself, and the decision to bite is already made. That leads me to consider if this internal battle to stop biting my nails is even real.

This interview Only this ONE last Time... on EQAFE was my first exposure to the perspective of that internal battle/friction that arises when trying to stop a habit. I recommend it to anyone addicted to anything that's trying to stop. There is a lot of additional perspective I have received through all of the Desteni material and from the community on the forums. The concept of self-honesty is widely applicable and quite the challenge to master. The goal of this entire Journey to Life is to build self-trust and become self-honest within every breath. From there, common sense (that which is Best for All) is more easily applied.

My nail biting habit requires dishonesty because my starting point is not pure. I have all kinds of reactions and suppression that are buried within it. And it's not so much that the nail biting in itself is 'bad.' One of the more helpful realizations I picked up from Desteni and keep coming back to is:

It's not what you do, it's who you are within it.

So the challenge of self-honesty is accepted. And through self-forgiveness, I will unravel and reveal my decision processes that I have suppressed into my subconscious. With an accumulated perspective, insight, awareness of self, I move myself through and into self-change.

Okay. I have found my ground, and will begin to dig in the posts to come. The nail biting point is going to be walked thoroughly because I'm serious. It's time to start working with the character dimensions :)