Day 224 - Process/Reality Disconnect

There are a few dynamics within my relationship toward writing this blog and the writing through self-forgiveness process, where I do not make a connection into reality. I've been writing about this a couple times already in how my commitments are either not holding or so simple and general that it requires virtually no effort on my part to uphold them. Fear.

I'm afraid to take this process into my own hands, because then it's real...yet that's what it takes. Why am I writing otherwise? To uphold an image of myself through the nature of publishing. I would like to get to the point where I am 100% working with these tools for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write myself out for all to see from a starting point of having to do it to uphold an image or tailor my online appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write for my online presence personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my online self from myself, here on the ground. This is a big point as I've been living a lie to certain degrees while I'm online. Tailoring my internet image to be as ideal as possible. This is not a full disconnect, and I do identify with my internet activities. The concerning issue is that there is a relationship to my online identity, and that it is not simply just me, as one with my online presence, expressing myself without effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this disconnect earlier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can walk process with/through my online identity in separation of myself in my everyday physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to express myself equally online and in real life. *needs expansion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conceptualize online in contrast to real life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk process within an alternate mind dimension, separate from my breath, as who I am. There are a few reasons why I might do this, and it will require a deeper investigation. Why have I attempted to walk process within separation of myself? Ahhh, okay. (I am a fan of asking the self questions)
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When and as I see myself attempting to walk process for any other reason than for myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that through this, I am moving through/with another character of mind. I commit myself to investigating the nature of my primary characters and writing a map for them so that I can effectively lead the investigation of myself for the purpose leading myself through self-change.

When and as I see myself attempting to walk process in separation of myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that this separation can be traced to a fear, as self-doubt, as a fundamental insecurity within that has guided me to strive to become better. I commit myself to walk this point through to completion to give myself the necessary insight into my inclinations for this mode of existence that has long been a starting point for all self-expression. I commit myself to walking myself back into my physical breath, and STOP this desire to prove to myself that I am not the weak/unable/inferior person that I believe myself to be.

When and as I see myself posting/publishing anything online as if it is NOT a an equal expression of self in my physical environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that the disconnect is an illusion perpetuated by a lack of understanding of the technology that is the computer/internet. I commit myself to treating each online action just as real as I would in my offline environment. No trolling for me!

flickr photo