Day 245 - Coffee & Attention

cc: pixabay

I've accidentally exposed myself to my relationship to coffee today. At 8:30PM, I decided to brew a pot. I wanted to get my head into that space of mental focus. I wanted that drive to perform at my peak. I wanted to find an easy way around resistance. K, haha, just going to hop into forgiveness for this one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize coffee as a crutch to find a level of willpower that I had believed myself to not have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship of dependency to coffee.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can focus better and maintain my attention for longer when I consume coffee, not realizing that I can just as easily waste my time while hyped up on caffeine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse coffee and drink it just to feel the high of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my attention to wander, and with coffee, just wander faster :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that coffee is not to blame or credit for my work ethic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship to coffee such that I am less able to complete work and stay focused without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that coffee will solve my problems for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell others, in relation to my schoolwork, that "It wasn't me. The coffee got me A's," and within these the mental backchat justification was that I wouldn't have been able to stay focused and productive without coffee.  Call it ADD or whatever, it's time for me to start taking responsibility for my work ethic, and how and why I drink coffee.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more in control when I drink coffee.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less in control when I do not have coffee, such that I allow the resistance and grogginess experience to shut down my work efforts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within an energetic relationship of belief in my productive ability that "I cannot do it" without external motivation such as coffee and time pressure.

--

There is probably more dimensions to my coffee drinking character that I've created through separation, and I will face these points as it comes up. I really like coffee, so I will continue with my correction and realignment of who I am in relation to coffee/caffeine/stimulants in posts to come. For now,

I commit myself to experiment with my sober self and write about what is going on in my head when I am desiring coffee to expand my understanding of the relationship I have created there.

When and as I see myself wanting to drink coffee for the purpose of getting things done without having to push through resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am slowly embedding a program of dependency into myself, essentially stating "I am weak and unable to overcome resistance (of hard work) unless I drink coffee." I commit myself to showing myself that I can still work strong, fast and effectively without the use of stimulants as an external motivation to stay focused and attentive.

I commit myself to practicing my self-application without coffee, to stabilize my productivity and work ethic while sober, and end the abuse of drinking too much coffee.

When and as I see myself drinking lots of coffee (3+ cups) so that I can get lots of work done, I stop I breathe. I realize that I actually do not need this much coffee ever. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse coffee in this way. I commit myself to toning down my coffee consumption until I have cleared my unfettered relationship to it, so that I may once more enjoy coffee for it's basic expression of itself. I am the coffee. I am me. I am with coffee, most simply.

A moment of my past:

I had developed a strong affinity toward this segment of a Futurama television episode: