Day 366 - Year 2: Adjusting My Starting Point

It's simple to write, and yet there are all these reasons, excuses, and resistances that can come up in the mind. You can probably relate to the inner thought, "I just don't feel like it right now."

I'm coming to realize that we are constantly and continuously creating our reality through these perceptual moments AND I too often seem to be at the whim of my fluctuating feelings and emotions. It's like I could learn a thing or two from my heart: the way it just keeps beating, doing work; not just when it feels like it, but constantly and continuously. Until that moment when it stops, of course. So I look at myself, and I see a person that moves himself rather inconsistently at the moment, and yet the day when I stop completely grows nearer constantly and continuously.

The point: Will I continue to accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own conditioned mind patterns? If I do that, then I'm going to end up with the conventional life that I set out to leave behind when I dedicated my life to understanding. To really understand self, there are some mental phenomena that need to be stopped. It's not cool to sulk within a lethargic energy experience because I've trained myself to rely on internal energy experiences to motivate myself. It's not alright that I am deliberately making multiple decisions from the starting point of serving the mind (seeking positive experience or avoiding negative experience). It's most certainly not groovy to think all that matters in the world is my experience of myself within it.

ego philosophyFor too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I get from others.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I fear I would get from others.

During my first year of Journey to Life blogging, my starting point was based on this socially constructed self-belief. I did realize that I wouldn't have it all perfectly sorted out from the get go, so I allowed myself to go into it with this energy-motivation that specifically fulfilled my ego needs. I enjoyed the recognition and the feeling of writing a good post. I hadn't considered the consequence. Feeling good has to balance out with feeling bad, regardless of how much we try to suppress the bad from our conscious remembrance (this is where self-honesty comes in). I didn't make the connection between that positive feeling reward from writing a good blog post, to the negative emotion of fearing that it wouldn't be a good post.

All the speculation, and worry, and need to be seen as awesome and fear of being judged as not; it's all shit. It's all a product of how I've structured my mind to best suit the idea of myself! This ego. This socially constructed and validated idea of who I am in this reality.

I stop. I breathe.

This is the choice I commit myself to start getting more acquainted with while walking my real-time process. I have spent a long time investigating the Desteni Message, and honestly it did take awhile to sort through it all. But I was already on board with the Oneness idea when I was in my spiritual phase, spending a bunch of money to activate my DNA and become an ascended master to leave my mark in the world. Haha, so it took a few years wrestling with the contradiction of equality before I could no longer remain stubbornly in my pursuit of wanting to become more than others. I saw how I wanted to be better than others because I held a semi-suppressed belief that I was worse than others.

Oneness and Equality: Best for All

Eventually, it just makes absolute sense. When the mentally induced resistance subsides. When the ego-preservation mechanism is trumped by self-honest consideration of the whole picture. When I begin to let go of the belief of who I am that is an externally constructed idea. When I start coming to terms with the fact that I'm not so special. When I start looking at the reality of myself in contrast to the idea of myself. When I put myself in the shoes of another...

I realize I want what is best for all.

The problem is, I've created my mind for 2 decades within the objective parameters of wanting what was best for me. I CONDITIONED MYSELF TO THROW MY NEIGHBOR UNDER THE BUS. In literal terms, I ridicule and judge others to make myself feel superior. All I've ever cared about was me and my success. Sure I wanted to make a positive impact in the world, but I had no concern about a hypocritical means to a glorified end.

Now, I can't sit here in this perceptual reality of self-judgment. I take responsibility for who I was and here is how I'm going to do it: I'm closing the gap between my past self, my present self, and my future self. They are all here, and I take responsibility for directing each aspect through a process of forgiveness and corrective application.

Over the course of this next year:

I commit myself to clearly exemplify my process of writing and self-corrective application.
I commit myself to write more frequently than I have been the past 6 months.
I commit myself to start deciding to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in a mind-created reality.
I commit myself to support what best for myself and others through reformatting my mind and reprogramming it with awareness.
I commit myself to see who I am as one and equal with who I've been and who I want to be.
I commit myself to prioritizing physical actions to create in reality.

AND for the final point of this post:

I commit myself to adjust my application within process to include equal parts of self-forgiveness to corrected application, 1:1, meaning: this game of glorifying self ends here. I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing and writing and writing until I am clear and stable within self-understanding AND practice the correction until my self-change is lasting and real.

Thank you.



Day 365 - Making it more than what it is

Ahhhhh, this point has been compounding in my psyche for the past year! It's perfectionism. It's a desire to be perceived in a certain light. It's fuel for procrastination even.

I was going to write a Desteni witness statement today and layout the changes that I've seen in myself since I started applying myself in this process. Turns out that I can write A LOT on the topic. The witness statement project was taken on by several others in the group while I was visiting the farm in South Africa. I didn't participate because I didn't feel confident in the actual progress I'd made so far in process.  Today, I am able to share some noticeable points of change, but I want to be clear and concise with it.

For now, I am just going to start with ironing out this relationship I have for making things to be more than what they really are. For the past year, I've made Desteni to be more than what it is. The result of this was unintentionally alienating myself from everyone around me. Foolish mortal! Lol. The fact is, Desteni is just a set of tools that assist in clarifying a tainted perspective, namely writing and self-forgiveness. Making it out to be anything more IS the tainted perspective that made it so much harder to be heard by others (especially those who have perspectives tainted in the other direction!). To neutralize my relationship to Desteni has been a long process, that I'm just now getting a grip on.

Bottom line realizations of the day: I don't have to be perfect. I don't care if others can't yet see the value of applying the Desteni tools. What I care about, is that I'm consistently moving myself. To allow procrastination is simply saying that I believe my mind has more power than my will. And all those little thoughts that say don't try because you will probably fail...I'm so over it.

I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination because of the relationship I have with actually doing something "difficult" and blowing it out of proportion, so that the risk of failure is too much to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a single outcome, which is how I create a self-movement action to be blown out of proportion, and within that accentuate the fear that paralyzes me while I sit and justify postponement...in many cases, this leads to a missed opportunity which is desirable from that limited, fear-tainted perspective, but looking back at the whole picture in self-honesty, it's much better to stand and face the fear, than to run from fear over and over again.

Herein lies a Destonian key. The principle of accumulation. Start standing up and transcending fears, one by one, and they add up. I have found that when you run away from one fear, you run right into the same fear in a new situation. Oh it is preposterous and shameful in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence of repeating the same fear experience when I give into that fear.

Examples of fears that I am referencing while I write this. Breaking the ice and talking to girls in grade school. Over and over, same fear, new face. Fear of rejection/ridicule blown out of proportion. So many times I've suppressed my self-expression within this fear. More relevant to today is...actually it's the same fear! With just a different context, I also fear rejection and ridicule of my self-expression through writing. This causes me to resist posting and relates to the perfectionism disease. Through the desire of the perfect outcome, I'm actually trying to control how other's judge me. Ahhhhhh! The limitation I'm placing on myself because of what I think you will think of me! Ahhhh! You think what you will, that's your deal. What I think about me in my writing, my self-expressive moments, the fears that I allow to suppress me to keep me safe from negative judgement is SUPER silly because of the circle. I'm experiencing the fear of the fear that I'm trying to prevent through that fear. This stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear experiences in an attempt to prevent my fears from manifesting, not realizing that through my relationship and participation within that fear, I am actually setting the stage for that fear to manifest in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inflate the fear of my fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I fear must be prevented at all costs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be defined by self-expression that isn't perfect or socially loved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape and conform my self-expression into and through a narrow set of social rules in hopes to be liked by my peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-worth according to the feedback I get from my peers in how cool they think I am, how much they talk to me and include me with the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in accordance to my inclusion within a group of people.

I forgive myself for making acceptance by a group of others more than what it really is, thus inflating the fear of being excluded.

That's the point. I overvalue what my expression means in the eyes of others. I care to much what they say. I define myself by their judgments. It's not useless information, but to allow fear in here, and then to allow myself to amplify that fear to the point that I massively suppress my self-expression and then end up sabotaging my relationships, manifesting that fear that I feared...this is unacceptable. And for doing this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed with the fear of my fears manifesting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself so narrowly as one miss-take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to blog everyday, for me alone, for me in my process, for actual movement through the layers of tainted-perspective. I'm accumulating a clarity within that I have never known before. To limit this process within a starting point of that same childhood fear of being excluded from the group is negligent self-sabotage. And for that I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my expression in fear of being excluded from the group, from power, not realizing that acting through this fear is the process of manifesting it.

--

This post went on longer than I wanted it to, but it's okay. This is for me and for those willing to walk with. The one's that would read 1/6 of the way down and say "this is stupid" are not my problem. I don't know why I have even been trying to remain in their group. Asking the question comes with the answer :)  - the coolest part of process. I wanted to remain in all or as many groups as possible in my quest for more and more power / influence. If you reject/ridicule me, I am less significant in your life, and that hurts my self-definition. Ouch. But the solution here is easy! I see the point, and now all I have to do is let go of that self-definition dynamic. How? Duh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is defined by the group of people that accept or reject me. Why did I do this?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to create my reality within and without, but to have instead relied on other to tell me what myself and my reality is.

Shoot. The point within and behind the other point. Okay, quick recap of today's points:

  1. Making a desired/feared outcome more than it really is.
  2. Fear begetting fear.
  3. Trying to control the outcome / other's judgments of me.
  4. Self-worth derived from public opinion
  5. Yielding to others to create my world and reality.
This has been a cool post for me to see how I went from only looking at the surface point, to doing a self-honest investigation of what fears and beliefs compose that surface point. Digging deeper through self-forgiveness and self introspection. Realizing that this will go even deeper when I investigate the patterns of insecurity in relation to creating reality as an equal participant as anyone here on earth. 

It ain't over until I, as one and equal with the Fat Lady, sing! ;)

cc


(note: the change in writing voice from the beginning to the end. I went from explaining a point to walking process. check yourself)

Day 364 - Inertia Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly give myself over to the mind in allowing it to direct me throughout my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am being productive by getting my procrastination out of the way first :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain physically inert, as I give my directive principle of my body over to the mind, wherein the mind as me decides to take the easy way and produce nothing of value in the physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain inert for an extended period of time, allowing the mind to drag me deeper and deeper into a reactive psychological state where I only respond to my environment with what is necessary for my survival. In this, I note that my survival also extends to the survival of my ego (what others think of me), though this image maintenance is functioning at a bare minimum, just enough to avoid serious consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the passenger seat in the car that is my life.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to really assert myself, trust myself, be the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear an outcome for which I am responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it best to skate through life, relatively unnoticed, so that I can avoid potential negative judgement from others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to define who I think I am, based on how I think others think of me. Within this, I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself to judge others, and perpetuate this system of separation and judgment within me in multiple ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to how others might judge me by remaining as I am, inert, safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect inaction to safety within a positive relationship, where I seek safety, and so I seek inaction. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand this design of layered motivation that allows me to hide personality aspects from my perception. This alone is a solid reason to write the mind out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dig deeper into the rut of inaction, feeding the mind, strengthening the mind, giving into it, giving it my power; and for a moment, perceiving myself to be less than the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this feeling of compulsory procrastination (resistance energy) to manifest through my mind and into my daily living without questioning it, or who I am within it.




When and as I see myself sitting around the house and not doing anything productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have abdicated my responsibility to direct myself in reality in alignment with what is best. I commit myself to snapping out of it by taking a breath, recognizing the energy for what it is, and asking myself if this is really who I want to be: a slave to the mind.

When and as I see myself arguing for my limitations, I stop I breathe. I ask myself: Who am I deciding to be in this moment? Why? Taking into consideration that the feeling that I have to procrastinate is just a programmed mental reaction that I have accepted and allowed over many years to be my directive principle, is this really what I want to define me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand why delaying my process of standing up and becoming the directive principle of my life is not okay. In the very act of postponement, I give life to the system, I feed that program in the mind, I validate it, I contribute, support and strengthen the feeling/emotion within and behind it. I no longer accept and allow myself to continue to sabotage my process of self-change by giving in to my feeling/emotion reactions of delay.

When and as I see myself resisting the self-directive choice, and would rather prefer to give in to the mind, I stop in that moment, pause, lay down in my bed if that's what it takes, I breathe and stabilize the body by releasing that energy. From within the breath I look at my options. I realize my responsibility to direct the situation. I commit myself to direct myself within a practical consideration of what is best to do for myself and ultimately all. Currently, this mostly consists of walking this process and becoming an effective leader of my own life first. If I can't help me, I won't be any help to others.

When and as I see myself motivated to do what is best, I stop I breathe. I realize that acting within this positive energy of motivation is limited, and for this experience to exist the opposite must also exist, as per the law of polarity. I commit myself to give this motivated energy back to my body, breathe, and direct myself in alignment with the same goal, just without the energy as directive principle, but instead, myself.


Good for now. Reread this tomorrow and check the alignments. Reread this in a week, and write out which alignments didn't stick and why.



Day 363 - Why did the chicken cross the road?



Some say the motivation was just to get to the other side...and it's funny. It's funny cause it's true. Because, we were expecting something more.

...I just spent a bit of time researching this classic "anti-joke," and I've found some interesting things. Here's the Wikipedia page, if that suits you...Also, here is a segment from an 8 minute video on the subject that interestingly goes into a neurological theory for why one might laugh at an anti-joke.

A realization I just had while looking more into why the chicken crossed the road: I must stay focused to clearly communicate my message, my conclusion, the point I'm trying to make. It's very easy to get off topic when there are so many directions that this could go, but the gift within this is the puzzle of finding the connection to the original point of discussion and articulating it in a way that readily makes sense.

This point of staying focused within the midst of a racing mind is a point that needs to be stabilized if we want to be effective in reality. To flow with the swaying of the mind is easier than disciplining oneself in physical reality context. This is the basis of what makes "ADD" kids less successful than the elite children in the private schools. I'll be using the Chicken to illustrate my concepts here on. You may see yourself as the Chicken.

Now, when Chicken is facing the road in front of him, and his mind is racing about all kinds of things, how is he going to get to the other side? The Chicken may even contemplate the 'how' as well as entertaining several what if's all related to one fear or another. But the question is: Why did the chicken cross the road? So, as the Chicken takes a deep breath and asks himself, Why?, he possess the power to make a choice and follow through. If a car is coming, it's a simple matter of common sense based in physical reality.

So, knowing your 'why' helps to focus. I'm pretty sure that a real life chicken would just operate with a 'why' starting point, and never even create a single thought. No energy is required for the chicken to motivate himself to cross the road.

So why am I crossing this metaphorical road? Let's first define the road. It's hard, difficult, risky, scary, real. On the other side of my road, I will define this as: being aligned with my physical body and all of physical existence through the principle of oneness and equality, unhindered in my expression (thought, word and deed) of what is Best For All in every moment of every breath. In this here 7-year Journey to Life blog, I'm writing about my process of crossing the road. In this process, I must face the road and forgive myself for creating energetic relationships (difficult, risky, scary, etc.) toward the road/process as well as all that constitutes who I have been in my journey before reaching the road. Getting to the other side is going to take some serious, focused introspection. 

If you took the time to check out that video segment I linked to at the beginning of this post, you get a nice visual for how the mind will operate in anticipation to reduce uncertainty. I most definitely am guilty of doing this, and the way I see it in how it breaks down is an ego desire to be right and the polarity fear of not knowing. This one information analysis/projection system of the mind is a major source of anxiety. Add it all up: Desire + Fear + Anxiety = petrified in uncertainty. Welcome to the world of being aware of being mind controlled.

The alternative is to be the Chicken who is so connected to his 'why' of crossing the road, it's clear, it's based in physical reality, that there is no need to think or worry or create projections and anxiety.

With purpose so clear
Focused fully, here
No need for fear
Ass is in gear


Fig. 2 - Ex. Immobilizing thought/desire

Day 362 - What Happened to Daily Writing?!

Slip. Fall.

oops. Now what?

Get back up.


Here, I am standing back up to share my realizations, insights, and process through the mind that's gotten me into this position.

I realize now that I can't walk this physical process in my head. Duh, but why did I think I could? I suppose I forgot the whole physical aspect. My starting point and purpose within writing had become muddled and my foundation of self-support was no longer clear. How? The mind. I took stock in my own thoughts. I casually dismissed writing, as I was "too busy." Right. That's like a level one, primary excuse when giving into resistance energy. As I've now personally seen myself, giving into that resistance energy/feeling produced in the mind is not all it seems to be.

When I move according to the demands of resistance energy, I loose my footing in reality. That's what happened to me, at least in part. My physical foundation from which I am able to direct/lead myself as life into an expression of what's best for all, was a world away. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trusted that I would manifest my dreams sometime in the future while I repeatedly give my self control over to the mind, instead of realizing my responsibility to direct myself within my mind into physical participation.

Okay, now looking at writing, specifically. Why did I forget about the importance of writing in stabilizing myself  in physical reality? For this answer, I have a poem:

I resisted looking at me
Self-honestly
For what I saw
I didn't want to see.

This is unacceptable, and yet I accepted it within a frame of mind that is my own self-interest. It's awkward that my automated self-interest is to protect me from confronting my fears...as if it was really in my interest to suppress them. That's a reality shattering insight. You get to the point where you see you can't trust your own self-interest, and then what? We write.

You don't "need" support, but you kind of do need it. I could have kept 'running my process' in my mind, and not realize how I was running in circles in my mind, believing myself to be busy, while the physical proof thereof was null. These circles, they are time-loops. A concept I deeply enjoy and have yet to fully grasp. By fully grasp, I mean to understand, to see myself within, to recognize in real time -> stop -> breathe -> move myself in the physical reality.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the impact that writing has in physicallizing my inner, and giving me the space-time to see me self-honestly. Within this, I recognize that I am holding myself accountable in the words that I see appear before me by my will. This is self-expression in the physical. This is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts, my mind, and my inner ability to organize my external living. I have seen the power of organization through writing in simple to-do lists, in spreadsheets, mind maps, business plans, cooperative agreements. This is where power is!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can still just do it all in my mind. A blind and ignorant ego doesn't help create a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the nature and design of my time-looping participation in the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify remaining in the mind through "a need to prepare" before I start living / working toward my aspirations. I'll expand on this in upcoming posts.

I forgive myself for justifying a physical movement, in alignment with other stuff I also have to do, that's initially directed by an internal energy of resistance toward writing or any other primary task that brings up resistance. I've been here before, hence the link. And so I wonder: How many time-loops must I make before I stop and change for real? I must decide this for myself through physical action.

Finally, I UNDERSTAND why the chicken crossed the road...




photo credit: wikipedia

Day 361 - Enjoy the Process -OR- Focus on the Outcome


In Desteni, there are many tidbits of wisdom that can be breeze right through one's mind and not take hold. Today's topic is one of them:

Enjoy the Process
My initial relationship to this phrase was, "Yeah, sure, will do. Why wouldn't I?" And that relationship stuck with me for quite some time, and it wasn't until now that I realized the need to redefine this relationship for myself. I have been missing the point. Within my shallow acceptance of this phrase, I skipped over the practical application of it in my life. I hadn't taken the time to even see where/how exactly this phrase could be integrated as a self-support application. Well, now I see it.

I was discussing my progress, or lack thereof, on an DIP Pro assignment with my support buddy, and one of the points that came up was how I wanted to have the assignment done correctly, if not better. This is a familiar personality design I have known as myself for many years: The perfection character. To stop my inner perfectionist from sabotaging my progress, I'm beginning today with peeling back the layers of mental schemas that compose it.

Problem:

  • I create an ideal outcome in my imagination
  • I get attached to that perfect outcome
    • Desiring to define myself by it
  • In fear of failure, I shut myself down before even trying
    • Fearing to define myself by/as a failure
Solution:

(here is just the initial session of SF statements and corrective application statements - more to come!)
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for allowing myself to be overwhelmed, not realizing that within this judgment, I separate myself from the point and further disempower myself to stand up from within it, taking responsibility for it, and change.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay and procrastinate my responsibilities because I fear not having the perfect outcome, that I want to define myself by, instead of getting to know myself in exploring my expression of myself in the process of accomplishment.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing that which I created in a surreal and ideal dimension of my mind, not realizing the extent to which I allow this fear to direct my life.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to define myself by my magnificent accomplishments, not realizing the polarity energy of fearing to be defined by my failures, and how I allow these energies to make my decisions for me, all based on my own mental math to calculate gain/risk for me as ego.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this decision formula, and to have allowed myself to participate within it, unchecked, for so many years.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I have been creating myself through calculated, ego-serving mental energies.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully participate with Desteni and apply the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and corrective application, which I understand are in my best interest but have for too long decided that my energetic mind reality is too powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to the sway of my mental-energy programs.
  • When and as I see myself in a moment of resistance energy, I stop I breathe, I realize that this energy is not real in the context of physical reality. It is no more than my own creation, and it has only as much power as I allow it to direct me. I commit myself to stand up from within this energy experience, stop it, breathe, give myself direction in a way that reflects who I want to be (from the perspective of eternity). I move myself and I make decisions that I could live with forever. And when and as I see that I do not, I stop I breathe and I investigate the relationships in every detail.
  • When and as I see myself in separation of myself through judging myself or my decisions, I stop I breathe. I realize that the solution isn't so easy as self-judgement -> guilt. I commit myself to realigning my beingness with that decision, to take responsibility for it and face the consequences, so that I can actually produce lasting self-change through the process of accumulating insight and self-trust in applying that insight.
  • When and as I see myself procrastinating, I stop I breathe. I realize that my choice to procrastinate has been linked to my fear of failing to reach a desired outcome. I also realize within this that this mental reality always stops at the end-point of failure...meaning I've been basing my internally constructed reality on a timeloop. When a failure occurs in reality, I can then make the choice to try again until I succeed. I commit myself to give it all I got! And when fear of failure programs activate in the mind, I commit myself to recognizing that end-point that seems to be the end of the world, and breathing through it, moving myself into physical participation.
Reward:
  • Less anxiety - no more dreading an undesirable outcome
  • Enjoying life - life is a process, not a reward at the end
  • Productivity - from stagnating within mental loops, to moving within self and the world outside
  • Supporting others - most effectively accomplished when the process of change is considered

So now, just need to do is apply some common sense reasoning, and presto! The obvious choice here is to walk through the energetic impulses and attachments to outcomes. As hard as that may seem in some moments, those are the critical moments from which I must stand up and stop the pattern. Who I am is equal to the sum of who I am in every moment, every breath.

Day 360 - Full Circle



360°

When you turn three hundred and sixty degrees, where do you end?

At the beginning. At the starting point.

I've been experiencing many different forms of resistance in writing this post. I haven't yet given myself the time to self-honestly look at each form because I keep allowing the resistance to guide me away from facing myself. I must, I will...I commit myself to direct myself to write the specific self-forgiveness for the points with which I experience resistance toward writing in general, that I am still using to sabotage my process.

The connection I see here is how I've been feeling like I had at the very beginning of my Journey to Life. Before I started, I had very specific backchat that would come up in my mind that convinced me that I should just put off writing and participating in process. To not face myself is so easy. I have the vision of accomplishment, I sit to do the work, resistance comes up, and I go watch an episode on TV, or eat cereal, or play a game, or go socialize, really anything that I can just exist without having to question who I am...

That's pretty intense to write out. The purpose and reason that I started writing this blog was to start seeing the truth of myself...the very thing that I resist. I know I need to see all of me, take responsibility for each behavior I have in every relationship, especially if I don't like it. Only at this point of self-honesty can I stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burrow deep into layers of resistance to not have to face what I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my writing before I even begin writing and not realize how this is a self deception and self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my excuses and justifications aligned with the resistance energy are valid and worth following.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write with a specific style so that I can please my readers with a delightful digest of my self-expression, forgetting that I am writing for me,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back to the beginning and forget that I must continue to push myself to write and face myself, in every moment here forward, until it is no longer a push, and I stand stable, living what is best for all within equality and oneness.



It amazes me how I can just go into a time-loop like this. Meaning, where I shift into a perspective or personality for a certain amount of time and forget about the bigger picture. We all do it. I see it in everyone around me. It's like we all live in extended moments of limited experience, going from one to the next. We react to our environment with thoughts, and then we react to those thoughts, and BAM!! In it again. "One more round of pre-determined experience please!"

So, I dedicate today to realizing not only how I've time-looped my past 360 days, but also how I time-loop in my day-to-day living, as well as time-looping in my hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute...dare I say breath-to-breath?

I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment of presence, here, to check myself and take a look at how I'm looking at things. When and as I see that I am within a perspective that doesn't support what is best for me, I can be damn sure that I'm not operating within what is best for all, so I commit myself to then direct myself to right about the perspective based in limitation, so that I may begin to open up new dimensions of understanding myself.

When and as I see myself judging myself before I start writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's just an excuse based within a resistance feeling-energy. I commit myself to write about the specifics of my experience of that resistance energy before too long, while it's still here, so I don't hide it from myself. Within this, I realize that I must practice and become more disciplined to write and see me self-honestly, but within this, I commit myself to not use this realization as a backdoor to not give my full effort within my personal process of developing self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into thinking that "my process will take a long time, and I will fall a lot, so it's okay when I fall, it's to be expected, don't worry, it'll all work out in the end." No! This process is not the automatic, push-play and sit back kind of deal that I've been hoping it was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to wish and hope that my process to self-honesty would unfold naturally and without much more effort than the initial decision to walk it. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to walk each step of this process in real time, with myself, here, within and as each moment, every breath, the whole way through. I do this. I walk myself out of my time-looping mind programs. I direct myself to be a responsible care taker of myself and this world in doing what is best. I commit myself to end every time-loop I have created, even if it takes me 40 years to do so.



photo: deviant art

Day 359 - Fear of the Unknown - Part 1


“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear
is fear of the unknown” 
― H.P. Lovecraft, Supernatural Horror in Literature

“Fear of the unknown and the other is the root of almost all hate. It is born of ignorance and fed by those who would keep us divided.” 
― Tinnekke Bebout


Starting this post was difficult. I keep asking myself: where and how do I start writing about this giant topic? There is so much to say about fearing the unknown that I didn't want to do a disservice by capturing but a minuscule of what is involved here. I realized a few days later that I can just start with where I started. Enjoy the story.

 It was Halloween night, and the street was crawling with masked civilians. I was no different. I gathered some sweetness from the neighbors house before I carried on, pondering the night. I made my way to a dark wooden bridge where few souls dared go on that frightful night. I began contemplating the multitude of attitudes that humanity has toward the celebration of Halloween. As naturally as a breath of fresh air, I began speaking aloud Self-Forgiveness:
"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the darkness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being mugged or raped. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear strangers. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear noises coming from places that are out of my view. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown."
There were several others pertaining to other possible fears such as witchcraft, paranormal events, etc., but when I came to forgiving myself for accepting and allowing the fear of the unknown to dictate who I am in a moment, I relaxed, I eased into my body, and I knew that I had to write about this.

End.





Just to debrief you from that story, I have to say that was only the beginning. The ways of which fearing the unknown has affected my entire life are vast. I freeze up when trying to write about it because I'm racing through my mind. Stop. Breathe. I fear not knowing what people will think of me. I fear not knowing if I am accepted. I fear not knowing how another will react to my expression. I fear not knowing if I have written something that others would want to read. I fear not knowing in general. I fear not knowing what I do know. I fear not knowing how to be in control of a situation. I fear not knowing myself.

This is just the beginning. The beginning of the end of fearing the unknown.

Much more to come.


Thanks for reading.





Day 358 - Why do I fear making decisions?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision. Some of the most prevalent contexts:
  • Determining the future direction of my life path
  • When my choice might/will cause others to judge me
  • To be productive or procrastinate
  • Self-interest vs. integrity
Within all my decision making, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself by playing the endless skeptic, jumping from question to question without ever realizing my responsibility to stand as an answer. The indecisiveness that follows yields consequences that have had a real impact in my life. To stand within myself as less than the authority of myself is something I wish upon no one.

I was never before taught what it means to stand as an authority within myself. My perspective defaulted to the passive, background observer type. Perhaps this is one of life's lessons that comes in the dark of night or as a punch to the face. For me, I investigated what Desteni was presenting: self-honesty, self-responsibility, self-this and self-that. Self as one with, and equal to, all of existence...still figuring out the implications of that. Through slowly studying the whole message over several years of patience and perseverance, I conquered many of the fears that held my in my passive, background, observer perspective. I stand before myself today with a clear purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I will make a correct decision, separating myself from the decision and judging it before I've investigated the outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rule my life from the starting point of anxiously choosing the first option that suited me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how I had deluded myself into thinking that by choosing what best serves my self-interest, that I will become superior to others and then be more able to save the world. I forgive myself for never questioning my egoist motives before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on having a quick fix or desirable experience, not even considering the consequential outflows.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that aligning my decisions with what is best for all, is also best for me, except here I can lead my life with real integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the perceived authority of others and passively agree without considering the common sense stuff  like do onto others as you would have done onto you.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place importance in how other's perceive or judge me because I accepted and allowed that to define me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own self-interest of avoiding negative judgment from peers before the interest of what is best for everyone. I didn't even give myself the chance to critically look at my self-interest in this context. When and as I see myself doubting myself through the anticipated or feared judgment of others onto me, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the authority within myself, and I direct myself through a quantum decision to do what is in the best interest of all.

I forgive my past, so that I may move forward. I embrace my past, so that I may learn. I am here, and I decide to stop all the abusive patterns I have accepted and allowed within and as me. I commit myself to stand up, and take responsibility for doing what is best for all. On a practical level, this means writing, sharing, investigating, writing, sharing, eating, sleeping, working, writing and sharing the perspective that I know works: Standing as an authority within myself to live, to act, to lead with the principle of considering all things and keeping what leads to an outcome that is best for all.

I commit myself to breathe, to be real, to be here, to stand stable, to practice, to live, to share myself, to express myself, to end irrational fear, to be practical, to finding the win-win-win (me-you-all) solutions in every moment.

There is nothing to fear about decisions when all is considered.


Day 357 - The Decision to Decide


A very cool point to consider is who we are when making decisions. Maybe it makes more sense to ask: "Where am I in this decision process?" Whatever language you use to see yourself in the moment of making a decision, the important part is to really consider all the motivating factors. Writing can help to slow things down and open up the space for more clarity in this process. When I don't write out my internal process for making an important decision, I notice I am more susceptible to just go with whatever I feel in that moment without considering all the relevant points.

It's those darn feelings that just come up. They're not typically based in common sense, and it's even less likely that we would realize this simply because we don't consider the common sense when we're just quickly going by our gut feelings. We make many, many, many decisions all day, every day. It would make sense to automate the decision process because then our cognition would be less tasked, and that's what we do. The framework for how we have automated our many daily choices is based on the many memories we have stored where our decisions have resulted in a scenario that is has some positive value for self.

Really consider that for a moment. We've spent our whole lives programming our minds to make decisions for us, based in self-interest as what produces the most favorable outcome for me. Maybe we will occasionally consider a few others in an immediate environment, or perhaps even the world, but if we are self-honest about why we are making that decision, we will commonly find a thread that connects our self-interest within that decision. An example, vacuuming the common area so my roommates will like me/not hate me. This action is even benevolently aligned, but my starting point within it was based in self-interested backchat, a subtle form of manipulation even.

So now imagine having to deconstruct this decision framework and rebuild it with intention. The self-interested decision framework that we've been building for our whole lives, happened pretty much automatically, and why question it? Automated as it may seem, I can remember moments where I created, accepted and allowed a new decision parameter because I benefited from it...NOT because I considered all things and chose what is BEST. My benefit could be as simple as feeling good after eating a whole bag of candy or wasting the whole day playing an exciting video game.

HERE

I must realize that I am responsible for the decisions I make.
I must practice and develop my awareness of who I am while making decisions.
I must answer to every question I ask myself with a thorough consideration of all relevant points.

Draw out a map of consequences if that's what it takes. If I delay my writing my blog until the night, I may end up not doing a blog at all because other things will come up, even excuses like "oh, I just don't feel up to writing right now."

My core point of this is to move self through making decisions. If I'm indecisive, sit down and write. Taking the time to consider what is best for all before making a physically lived decision, is the key here. If I don't decide to decide, I could let life slip right by me while my automated decision frameworks controls every aspect of my (regretful) existence. This relationship to decision making needs to be clear and direct. I will no longer stand by and watch my life play out according to some outdated mind program I created back when. This is a new moment, a new breath, and I commit myself to decide who I am within my decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decisions on how I am best able to get a positive reaction from others so that I will be liked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be liked through the external validation of how others respond to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to how others respond to me, never realizing that I am the one that is actually deciding who I am within each and every decision that I make. For example, I decide to allow my roommates to determine if I'm socially accepted. Through this, I take responsibility for this point of allowing others to tell me who I am, and I correct my self-definition through the process of determining for myself, what I accept and allow myself as.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand who I am within making decisions, and within that, not seeing all the relevant criteria that I should really consider when making any particular decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the flow and not question my decision process from a self-aware perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the results of my decisions because I didn't want to see my responsibility within that circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to fear making a decision...

...And this can be opened up quite a lot. To be continued.



Day 356 - Redefining 'Acceptance'



My partner and I were discussing and coming to an agreement on how we define the word 'trust' when I got hung up on the word 'acceptance.' She was using the word in a way to take responsibility for where we are in process. To me, I had for a long time been using the word 'acceptance' more in the context of what I do not 'accept and allow' in/as/of me. So I had placed things in my mind in two categories, what I do accept and what I don't accept.

Now at first, I had on my 'I am right' hat (character), and I was fighting more to make her see how I use the word 'acceptance', which is more to describe what I do not accept. And she was trying to show me how I was creating friction and conflict through only defining the word within polarity. Eventually I realized that I had to hear her perspective and consider it equally as my own. At that point, I dropped my barriers and started to really listen to the point she was raising.

Once I started seeing her perspective that by separating myself into what I do and don't accept, I encourage the split-self syndrome (new term :) and essentially judge the parts of myself that I don't like or don't want to accept. The result being that I am disempowered to change myself. So then I had to reconsider and investigate how I was defining acceptance within the context of her definition. She was making the point that we have accepted ourselves to be a certain way, and that only through acceptance of what I am can I stand up and change myself. I reconciled our definition conflict through bringing in the time component, where I accept my flaws, but only for the moment until I do the writing and self-forgiveness to reach the understanding that is needed to proceed to produce real, consistently applied change within myself.

To clarify my original perspective, I did not accept and allow this world (me, her, you, them, us) to continue as it is unchanged. That was my frame of the definition for 'acceptance' that I had solidified over time. This definition made sense for me and was also reinforced by passing as a point of motivation to walk my process and become an effective and responsible leader...that I do accept.

Now, I do see and realize that I have accepted and allowed this world (her, me, us, them & you) to exist the way that it does, AND with that realization, I take responsibility to move points into practical, corrective application. The difference is subtle but so significant! In the first case, I am defining all my relationships within polarity. In the second case, I define myself in relation to everything in such a way that I give myself the chance to see my responsibility within it, and then the ability to change and correct the points within myself first becomes available as a movement of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have separated myself into aspects that I do and do not accept, not realizing the self-judgment within and behind this.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to project this 'acceptance' judgment system onto others, whereby doing so, I do not see the nature of my reactive judgments in their true light as self judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically believe that I have the correct definitions within all of my words. This false assumption is based on my inner over-confidence which is a pattern that needs correction because through it, I am currently placing value in being dishonest with myself to protect that pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my own process of coming to knowledge.

I trusted my knowledge integration within every moment of my past learning. In the process of realigning from self-interest to best for all interest, I am finding that much of the knowledge and information that I have was acquired through a tainted filter of ego perspective. When I consider all angles and choose what is best, it takes an effort. All the angles don't automatically get added into the equation. So, I commit myself to investigating more angles than just my own, and within this, I commit myself to expand my capacity to consider more and more angles and begin to consider the bigger picture.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at information objectively, instead of placing value in it and in myself for possessing the 'valuable' knowledge and information. Through a more objective starting point perspective, I will more clearly be able to direct myself and choose what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take all the information that I have for granted and not consider the means and methods with which I integrate knowledge.

When and as I see myself protecting my preexisting knowledge and information, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must consider all angles before I can trust myself within any one point of knowledge. I commit myself to redefining every word with which I have a charged relationship.


Updates to come.

Day 355 - Specifying Clear Direction



I recommend reading yesterday's post: Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct  for context here,

Today I asked myself "what am I missing?" I am looking for solutions to my not doing what I really need to do. The procrastination system is so ingrained that even as I see it, I still don't make the decision to stop the pattern and do what is best. Now, typically asking this question threatens the system and my mind goes into being overwhelmed or just coming up with any diversion to not face the reality of my physical (in)action. Why is this?..also a great question. I fear failure on many dimensions and it runs deep. That's one of the reasons I perpetuate my bad habits, because if I commit to stop and then don't, I fail. Thus a commitment places me in a place of vulnerability through my specific definition of what 'failure' means. It's got a negative charge, my ego has a positive charge (perfection, flawless), and I can't maintain that ego illusion if I takes risks of failure.

Interestingly, without taking any of these risks, I'll surely fail. You know how it goes:
"You can't succeed if you don't try." - everyone
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." Theodore Roosevelt
That point is clear. What else am I missing? All that is coming up right now are the various dimension related to fear of failure. A perspective shift has to happen, and as I imagine myself moving without fear of failure, the point of allowing myself to be vulnerable is emphasized. Damn, I hate being vulnerable. That has to go. I'm limiting myself through a desire to be strong that I have placed in the hands of others perceptions of me. Meaning, I have long been defining myself by how I perceived others perceive me. Sometimes it was pure self-judgement (typically negative), and other times it was actual feedback from others (mostly positive)...That's an interesting dynamic in itself.

So what do I mean with 'Specifying Clear Direction'? My goal is to clarify the process of self-direction. By being ultra-specific with myself, I leave myself no backdoors. I am clear on all the relevant points of moving myself in a specific direction. I could produce 100 sentences using these 3 words to ensure that I am direct about specific clarity, but I'm going to allow some physical application and feedback happen while I patiently participate in the space-time continuum. For now, I commit myself to practice different forms of planning and investigating the what and how of individual task so that I am prepared to plan. BUT, importantly, it's not just about planning. The real meat is the execution. It's just to recognize that when execution isn't stable and consistent, that I must take a step back and introspect a little: "what am I missing?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get locked into a perspective that I know what I'm doing, while simultaneously not showing it. All back and no bite, as they say. I'm done barking. I commit myself to start going straight to the bite, and when I hesitate, I investigate whats going on inside of me.

"He who hesitates is lost." - My Dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking risks that could compromise my picture perfect self-concept that my ego has accumulated to be over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating within and as my ego. This must stop. Expanding my perspective to be able to see how my actions ultimately support what is best for all is not possible if I am stuck fighting to identify myself through, as and within ego. I commit myself to self-honestly exposing my ego-workings to myself so that I may continue accumulating the self-trust that is necessary to flow with clarity in my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be vulnerable in allowing myself to try new things, express myself without concern for how others may judge me, do something that might not work, create something that isn't perfect. Obviously there are several points related to my invincible character, and I commit myself to opening it all up and to start giving myself the space to fail, and experiment, and live free of fear of judgment, as am in the process of standing up and living by the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be extremely specific and clear with myself when determining my direction. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk myself through all the necessary points of understanding to be able to direct myself effectively, yielding physical movements that contribute to a specific goal. I commit myself to move myself through these practical guidelines that I've laid out for myself through today's writing. Until I am effectively contributing my daily efforts to what is best for life, I commit myself to investigating all of the finer details of myself, to remove the limited scope self-interest, and replace it with comprehensive consideration, a.k.a. common sense.



Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct



By dancing around the issue, I've been leaving grey areas and back doors for myself to get out of my responsibilities. When I know I need to do something and don't do it, there was something missing from the picture. What did I not take into consideration when framing my tasks of the day?

And I'm talking about being clear and direct with myself to become more effective with my self-direction, but this would apply for communicating direction to others as well. I have found several instances recently where I wasn't communicating clearing within my questions, and the result was receiving frustrated questions in return instead of answers. So if I don't communicate clearly, direct and to the point, I find it much more difficult to work with others to meet really any goal. It would then make sense that if I'm finding it difficult to meet my own goals, perhaps I'm not being absolutely clear with myself.

To clarify ;) this is not a mere knowing what I want to accomplish. To be direct and clear in relation to a desired outcome, I need to factor in all relevant points. I must consider my current weaknesses and strengths, so I can recognize and stop a self-sabotage pattern and amplify my strong suits with strategy. I must consider the facts and my relationship with each of them. I must consider my why, my purpose, my operating principle, my who I am defined by the choices and physical outflow that I create. What am I missing? Also a question I need to ask myself.

When the answers start pouring at me, I must then also give myself direction. So being clear and direct allows me to have clear direction, but that self-direction is only worth as much as the follow through in physical reality.

Preparation should also be mentioned here. Without it, it is far to easy to get overwhelmed and cycle in self-defeat. Until I can clearly and directly see all relevant points in self honesty, in the moment of a single breath, I must prepare myself to stand. As I'm developing self-trust, I must show myself that I can trust myself. The best way that I can think to prove my trustworthiness is to first conduct the necessary research to fully understand what I am asking myself to do when setting a goal, and then to actually do it.

The current friction is coming from setting goals that I'm not prepared to accomplish. I need to sit myself down and directly show myself what is required to do, why, and how. A physical plan of action, of practical and immediate points, that I can move in alignment with what is best for me and all. To leave a hole or a way out of the understanding my role and accountability within this is to be dishonest with myself.

Self-honesty is no walk in the park. It's more like running down a rocky mountain. Each step must be specifically placed, so that the body weight can be effectively transferred, to be able to position the next step specifically. This very physical movement requires a flow of efficient decision making, which in turn requires a moment of foresight. If you aren't planning the next step before landing the current step, you won't be able to decide how the physical body must balance and shift accordingly. This is parkour philosophy.

I commit myself to parkour through my work day.

More on this tomorrow.


Day 353 - Movement Responsibility



Related to this theme I've been working with the past few days, I am realizing that if I don't do it, it doesn't happen. While it may seem obvious, my life experience thus far has been very...automatic. I've just been going with the flow of life, and it's been working out fine, so why would I ever question it? Well, it's not working out so fine anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i'll be okay at the whims of my external world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe that all I have to do is manage and control my reactions to be successful in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to do or say something first so that I could manage and feel in control what happens next....okay, here my mind is spinning trying to get a handle on all the dynamics going on within this one point. This indicates I need to stop, breathe, and take on the first point first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and control others to prevent them from having control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being controlled by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by waiting for others to move first, that I have actually much less control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving first, being a directive principle, because then if others react to me in a negative way, then I would take it personally and risk shattering the idealized image of myself in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and believe in the image of myself in my own mind, not realizing how this function of the mind has been limiting my self expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself desire to move through life and personal interactions passively, because then I don't risk hurting my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am in fact stands on principle and is consistent day to day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is be determined by my external environment and the personal interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am defined according to how others see me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I decide who I am in relation to all circumstances, and in this, I am either reacting in a specific way that matches my past behaviors and/or experience set, or I am standing on a principle that I would live for all of eternity.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for moving myself without an external stimulus. Taking initiative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on external input to be able to move myself. Reaction only.

I commit myself to realizing my directive principle.

I commit myself to realizing I am the directive principle of myself.

I commit myself to realizing my responsibility to direct myself based on principle.

I commit myself to walking the process of becoming a responsible human being that stands for what is best.

I commit myself to start taking the initiative when there is nothing pressuring me to do anything, and within this initiative, I will do what is best.

I commit myself to showing others that I exist as a directive principle, as a person who does what is best for everyone without being told to do it.

I commit myself to stand up and do what is best.

I commit myself to stop allowing past patterns to continue to repeat and stifle my self expression.

When and as I see myself waiting for my environment to inform me of what to do, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can either wait and react to the external movement, or I can take the initiative and utilize common sense to direct myself, and the environment as an extension of myself, to a best for all outcome. Until this is effortless, I commit myself to constantly evaluate the integrity of my stand, and locate all points and patterns of weakness and petty self-interest. By doing this, I take responsibility for how I currently lead my life, and I commit myself to walk the correction into a stable living of the principle of what is best for all.


Day 352 - Back on Track

cc

Ahhh 'tis but a mere decision!

The process of application is that decision. Meaning that it's not a win-lose relationship when trying to change oneself. If I have a goal or a task in any given moment, then it's not to stand in a relationship of separation to the completion of that movement. It is a movement, period. Failure just indicates that that I'm in a process of learning how to not fail. If I have a self-judgment relationship to failure, then it's rather natural to get down on myself and compound the consequence of that failure OR simply suppress that failure so I don't have to deal with the cognitive dissonance.

So, let's say I want to start writing my blog again on a daily basis. If I can and do not, then I have a particular relationship toward it that is not supportive of what is best for all. To be able to do what is best for all, it is a simple matter of choice. And when that is "difficult" then I must investigate my relationship to the task (i.e. blogging, nail biting, etc.) and/or the alternative activities that I choose to participate in during a moment of weakness / not feeling like doing the original/intended task.

If I am to restructure my habits, I need to slow down and really consider what works and what doesn't. To just go with the flow of doing what I feel like doing, I am not standing as the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a relationship of being okay with not directing myself in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I look back on the memory of my day and see that I did not do what I really wanted to do, but instead just chose to keep myself busy and avoid my daily goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be a loser in an ultimate sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate moments of failing to stay on task and then define myself by those moments. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure, in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a winner. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the polarity of success and failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am directly responsible and obligated to making decisions that are aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this process of self-perfection is a decision alone, not realizing that a decision is substantiated with action and follow through.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that consistent application of myself within a decision is how to create self-directed habits and to stop the reactive habits that have accumulated through memories and relationships to past events.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as a perfect man, and thus sabotage myself by suppressing everything contradictory to that idealize self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than able to change myself, not realizing that is actually really only me who must stand and take the responsibility to change myself.

See, I once had a thought (many times, actually) that with just the decision to walk process was all I had to do. Just like getting on a roller coaster, once I put on the seat belt, my efforts were finished. I now realize that this process of writing myself to freedom is more than just a single decision. Yes, the decision is crucial, but the self-movement in alignment with that decision is just as important.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe the process of realizing myself in the context of oneness and equality, as all life, would be easy, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself when I realize it's not.

When and as I see myself recklessly pursing activities unrelated to my responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that I, alone, am responsible to stop and make the decision to get back on track. Within this I realize that this decision is only as valuable as the actions which substantiate it, and so I commit myself to just doing what needs to be done in the moments that I have available.

When and as I see myself abusing my available time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I chose to be here. I commit myself to not get frustrated with myself in self-judgment, but to rather focus on the solution as self-change.

When and as I see myself as a failure, I stop I breathe. I realize my obligation to investigate my acceptances and allowances. I commit myself to investigate the patterns that lead to self-abuse. I commit myself to doing what is necessary to grow as an individual that effectively contributes to what is best for all.

I commit myself to stay on track, and when I'm off track, to immediately get back on track. I commit myself to walking process steadfast, to get up after a fall, to not allow what I've allowed to perpetuate self-abuse.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my habits.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my relationship with myself.

I commit myself to revolutionizing this reality.

Day 351 - Attached to the Memories of My Habits



There are so many points to write about and realize, and I'm just delaying the whole process because I'm stuck in an emotional relationship to my past choices and unwittingly perpetuating destructive patterns because I haven't really forgiven myself specifically.

Writing is not a habit that I can afford to stop. I have seen how much I'm progressed through writing, why stop now? I have been writing less consistently for awhile now and in general I see it is because I'm stuck in memories. My past contains memories that are familiar in respect to who I am in relation to my environment. So, my comfort zone is literally composed of memories. In this process of self expansion, I have to let go of my familiar, comfortable relationships to people/places/things to discover who I am in relation to the new and unfamiliar people/environments. And I'm now realizing that it's not just expanding my relationship to various nouns, it's also letting go of and discovering new: verbs!

Changing a habit or two can change your entire life. I am finding myself in a position where I have the tools to change all my habits from self-interest based to best for all based. This will not just change my life, but will also have a significant ripple effect. Leading by example, with the example being a consistent, principled living, with the principle being to act in the best interest of all. But I've gotten ahead of myself before, and I recognize this haste pattern, so I commit myself to slow down, and walk a physical timeline that is in alignment with this principled living. Firstly, I have to change one habit. Funny, you'd think that'd be obvious.

I am now making a decision to change one fundamental habit that will most certainly make my life easier: Giving up.

There are many, many moments for which the decision to uphold a new habit, or shut down a bad habit, must be applied. This is the area where I stumble. I understand what it would take to change myself, but I don't yet have the practice to confidently stick to the commitments I make. This plays out most severely in my relationship with nail biting. Alcohol was the first habit I stopped, but with this point my memories were already mostly seen in a negative light. Stopping consumption of donuts wasn't very difficult because it was so specific...interesting. With donuts, my starting point was to test myself, and although I have been successful, I still occasionally pursue other sweets to satisfy that sugar craving. Stopping porn was a bit more stubborn, but once I was clear in my relationship to it as intentional disillusionment and saw how it was affecting my relationships with real life women, I stopped it permanently. (For more support with stopping porn, check out Porn+Alt+Delete)

What can I learn from here? Where exactly am I stumbling? It appears that the successful implementation of a new habit depends on a few factors, some of which include specificity of the new habit, comprehensively understanding the motivations of the old habits, as well as understanding the basis of the new habits. Through writing, I commit myself to slow down and expose my existing habits and all relevant components thereof, AND I commit myself to write the specifics of the new habits, to be clear within myself of the alignment and choice to follow through with a permanent self change.

I'll expand more on changing habits in the days to come. I am currently walking through nail biting, and procrastination (still)<--note: self-judgement. And I have to walk the physical process of writing, accepting my current state, so that I may choose to stop allowing what I've been accepting. The beginning and the end, together as one, the key to self-change. Remove this self-judgement, for in a stance separation, I am disempowering myself to be able to direct myself as one and equal with all parts of me that I have been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through a perspective of knowing what I should be doing, while my physical participation doesn't cooperate. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself, within myself, into and as an idealized concept/image and a real/physical. Within this, I realize that I am creating a friction and frustration from the mind perspective of the image/ego, looking at myself in the physical, in separation, and seeing inconsistency. I commit myself to take a breath and move within the realization that I am my physical body, instead of just judging myself and creating friction and then getting no where.

I commit myself to take the necessary step and do what it takes to produce real, lasting self change. Step by step, I forgive and release my inconsiderate, self(only) interested personalities and habit sets, to align my living, physical application and habits with what is best for all.

Day 350 - Deliberate Irresponsibility



I couldn't decide between 'deliberate self-sabotage' and 'irresponsible living' for this post title, so I combined the two. Basically, I have stayed up to extremely late hours of the night for the past two nights and for what? Entertainment. Some media shenanigans. To sit down, stare at a screen and wait for a chuckling experience.

I say, "no more!" This is a habit or pattern that I've been integrating into my beingness for many years. Just compounding the escapism. "I'm too tired to work or write a blog, but yeah let's do a TV show mini marathon." There's a similar design in bad eating habits too. "I don't want to eat responsibly because..., but sure I'll have a cookie. Oh that's a nice cookie...one more sounds good. Probably shouldn't have another..."(has another). And henceforth becomes pure denial and self destruction.

Okay. Now the point is here. Ready to be opened up! Reminder: do not move fast & self-honestly assess each and every dynamic that's with in this. First fear - Commitment. To actually walk a point through to completion requires a seriousness within/as the commitment to see it through. This is a fear relationship that I have long avoided. In fact, there are many points that I deliberately avoided because of some fear of loss or attachment that I've defined myself according to. I would get too overwhelmed to try and list them all here in one go, which is exactly how I as ego would approach assessing myself because through becoming overwhelmed, I delude myself into the mess that results when you do not investigate all things thoroughly.

So even now, my tendency is to just start looking for the other fears that are involved in this irresponsibility character I have going on. But ahhh; Till here no further. I stop, I breathe, and I investigate one point at a time.

I commit myself to actually investigating every single aspect comprising my relationship to the word 'commitment'. First and foremost, in the context of accomplishment. Within this, I realize that many dimensions will open up, and thus I commit myself to meticulously record all of what comes up while investigating this relationship to commitment and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing self-forgiveness, and to rather now sleep...

(several days later)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to do what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify on a whim, not being responsible by recklessly overindulging in media to intentionally avoid facing responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately delay responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must eventually, directly face the consequences of abdicating responsibility in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "I have the time" to waste from within a perspective of ignorance where I do not take into consideration all of those who literally do not have any extra time to spare. The single mother working two jobs to support her and her kids. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am responsible for the single mother of two through my acceptance and allowance of the system as it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am entitled to my financial position in the world.

That's a powerful one. I can't believe that I've had this belief still running in the background. There are some serious implications here, and this point must be realigned within me. I commit myself to realizing and understanding the limitation of myself in the context of all within my relationship to money. It's cool how the money relationship came up here because even though I wasn't expecting it, it's a crucial component involved with abdicating responsibility.

I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move slowly and thoroughly in my process, and within this for allowing a fast movement/reaction into delay and deliberate distraction. This is no long accepted in my life. I commit myself to leading a life filled with good habits in the absence of bad habits. To be more clear, I commit myself to be self-honest when deciding how to spend my time, and when and as I see myself in a pattern of choosing escapism over work, I stop, I breathe.

I breathe again, bring myself back into my body, breathe, and look at where I'm at, who am I here, and what is the bigger picture. Then I make a self directive decision.

More to come. Thanks for being patient with me.